Tag Archives: Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Seattle Seahawks

statler and waldorf

By J-Dub and Meehan

As part of Sports Blog Movement’s Super Bowl coverage, we are taking a page from J-Dubs own blog Dubsism. There, he made it a point to depart from the usual Super Bowl bluster; we aren’t here to tell you a bunch of shit about who’s going to win, why there going to win, and we sure as shit aren’t getting into those godawful “human interest” story about some third-string linebacker whose kid has a disease you never heard of.

This year, J-Dub is teaming up with SBM Managing Editor Ryan Meehan, whose dyspeptic rants make for the perfect complement to  J-Dubs’ “crabby old man” bullshit. As far as the Super Bowl is concerned, this means SBM will be taking the Dubsism bit about telling you why you shouldn’t cheer for either contestant, and giving it the twist only SBM can give you.

Having said that, here’s why you shouldn’t cheer for the Seattle Seahawks.

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Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Denver Broncos

statler and waldorf

By J-Dub and Meehan

As part of Sports Blog Movement’s Super Bowl coverage, we are taking a page from J-Dubs own blog Dubsism. There, he made it a point to depart from the usual Super Bowl bluster; we aren’t here to tell you a bunch of shit about who’s going to win, why there going to win, and we sure as shit aren’t getting into those godawful “human interest” story about some third-string linebacker whose kid has a disease you never heard of.

This year, J-Dub is teaming up with SBM Managing Editor Ryan Meehan, whose dyspeptic rants make for the perfect complement to  J-Dubs’ “crabby old man” bullshit. As far as the Super Bowl is concerned, this means SBM will be taking the Dubsism bit about telling you why you shouldn’t cheer for either contestant, and giving it the twist only SBM can give you.

Having said that, here’s why you shouldn’t cheer for the Denver Broncos.

To Continue Reading, Click Here…

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The San Francisco 49ers

sna francisco 49ers team of the 80s video

1) This Video

If the 49ers win, they will join the Green Bay Packers, the team with the most NFL Championships, as the only teams to win a Super Bowl in three different decades. it will also tie them with the Pittsburgh Steelers as having six titles in the Super Bowl era. Invariably, this will lead to some ass-loaf San Francisco fans trying to declare the 49ers as the greatest team of all-time. Then I will have to shoot them.

2) I’m Already Tired Of Jim Harbaugh And His Bullshit

harbaugh schwartz handshake

Harbaugh could easily be the main reason for cheering against the 49ers, but he wouldn’t even be on this list had he beat the shit out of Lions’ head coach Jim Schwartz last year. That would have been the only thing saving him from my labeling Harbaugh as a complete dipshit who inherited a team that was pretty well stocked and then pulled a “Belichick” by finding his star quarterback purely by accident, thanks to an injury.

By the way, did I mention he is a complete hypocrite? It seems everybody forgot what an asshole he made of himself with the lies he told during last off-season’s Peyton Manning Sweepstakes. It seems everybody forgot about how Harbaugh went on this big, dramatic speech telling his players the one thing he won’t tolerate is the abuse of women and how the media used this to show what a great guy Harbaugh is. Of course, right after this, he made sure the 49ers signed Perrish Cox fresh off his somewhat dubious acquittal on sexual assault charges, despite an O.J.-style mountain of physical evidence and particularly damning testimony from his own “wingman” Demaryius Thomas. By the way, there’s still a civil lawsuit pending in this situation, but that obviously doesn’t matter to Harbaugh.

3) God Hates Randy Moss 

Randy “I’m the best ever” Moss. What a fucktard. He’s not even the best to ever wear a 49er uniform. I’m convinced God put David Tyree on the field in 2007 just to make sure Patriots fans would be mumbling about “that fucking helmet catch” in perpetuity. Many people don’t know that “David Tyree” literally translates from ancient Sanskrit meaning “divine punishment for giving a douche-hammer who runs over traffic cops a shot to win a Super Bowl ring.”

4) Thug Life…Bay Area Style

Perrish Cox and Randy Moss are just the tip of the iceberg. Everybody talks about the thug-a-licious nature of the Ravens, but the 49ers relations with the Department of Corrections gets overlooked. Aside from the aforementioned “alleged” rapist and a guy with a rap sheet longer than a “fly” pattern, there’s the Thug Hall-of-Fame-worthy accomplishment of Aldon Smith, who managed to snag a DUI charge, then got stabbed at his own house party. I don’t know how you pull that off, but you have to admit, that is an achievement certainly worthy of dubious note.

justin smith anheuser busch tattoo

By the way, while it isn’t necessarily thug-like, Justin Smith’s Anheuser-Busch tattoo on his bicep is a clear indicator of either future thuggish behavior or his becoming a very popular member of the Dallas Cowboys.

5) The “Fair-Weather” 49er Fan Base

Don't ever let anyone tell San Francisco isn't a baseball town.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you San Francisco isn’t a baseball town.

There’s so many things to hate about a great number of 49er fans. Be advised I’m not talking about the real die-hards; the ones who remember guys like John Brodie, Russ Francis, and what an unmitigated disaster the O.J. Simpson experiment was in the late 70′s. The die-hards who stayed loyal during the years John York butt-fumbled that team into obscurity after the Walsh-Siefert era. If the mere mention of the name “Ken Dorsey” gives you heart palpitations, you are not the 49er fan I’m talking about.

In fact, the people I’m talking about aren’t really fans; they define the term “band-wagoners.” The honest truth is that other than the 387 true “die-hards” I’ve mentioned, the San Francisco fan base worships at the alter of the baseball Giants and only comes around to football after the World Series and only then if the 49ers are winning. The minute the 49ers hired Dennis Erickson, the fans dissolved like the Alka-Seltzer you need after gorging yourself at the Korean barbecue food truck. Real fans go all “Tammy Wynette” and stand by their team. I’m a Philadelphia Eagle fan who still covets his moth-eaten Herm Edwards jersey; the same one who lived through the Rich Kotite years and who hasn’t seen his team win an NFL Championship since before the Super Bowl even existed.

That’s why these people piss me off so much; they don’t deserve a team with such success. These people have been nowhere to be found for damn near fifteen year, but last year they came back in such numbers that white wine and sushi is now again popular at Candlestick Park. Don’t even get me started on how fucking wrong that is.  These are the same butt-nuggets who spent the last decade-and-a-half at the organic, holistic, hippie-fucknut co-op market, then the minute Jim Harbaugh hit town they spewed a bunch of bullshit about how they never lost faith.  You bailed on the 49ers faster than Colin Kaepernick’s birth mother, and now that they are successful, you want back on the football teat.

Forget about the Korean barbecue food truck. You all can eat me.

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Baltimore Ravens

ravens never more

1) The Ravens’ Ring of Honor

Many teams do this, but nobody does it in such a fucked-up “we really have no history” manner.  Just look at it.

  • Earnest “The Fumble” Byner
  • Johnny Unitas, who didn’t even play for this franchise. He’s here because he was a Baltimore sports legend. Cal Ripken, Jr, goes up on the Ring next year. 
  • Michael McCrary, who only played five season in Baltimore, and spent half of two of them injured.
  • Peter Boulware, who was realeased TWICE by the Ravens.
  • Jonathan Ogden, who is the best player on this list who actually played for the Ravens. nobody knows him because he was an offensive lineman.
  • Matt Stover, a kicker whose main claim to fame in Baltimore is that he isn’t Billy Cundiff.

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Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For Duke: Largely Because Thanks to Lehigh, You Can’t…And Mike Krzyzewski Is a Dick

First of all, Duke sucks. Even when they don’t suck, Duke sucks.

Second of all, I honestly didn’t think I would have to write my annual “Fuck Duke” post until next weekend, but thanks to the Mountain Hawks of Lehigh University, now that annual screed becomes more of a Blue Devil post-mortem.  I went into this tournament thinking Duke was over-rated as a two-seed, but even I didn’t have them going out in the first round (check out my bracket destruction at Sport Blog Movement).

So, having said that, let’s take a look at why I thought Duke was over-rated:

  • They have no inside presence
  • They rely to much on perimeter shooting
  • They can’t defend against speed

All three of those thing congealed to end Duke’s season early.  But a big part of the problem with this season’s team is that it traveled too far on a reputation that it couldn’t back up, and a big part of that problem is the complete sham that is the reputation of Mike Krzyzewski.

What I’ve never understood about Krzyzewski is that he’s a known disciple of Bobby Knight, and carries on just as much as Knight did, but Krzyzewski never gets called out for being such an unconscionable asshole. Sure, he doesn’t throw chairs during games, nor does he have outbursts at press conferences, but all the other signs are there.

Raise your hand if you are tired of watching Krzyzewski scream unrepentantly at officials until every call goes Duke’s way.  Raise your hand if you wonder why the media has never exposed Krzyzewski for being every bit the abusive tyrant his mentor Bobby Knight was.  Raise your hand if you don’t get why nobody has ever noticed the Paterno-like ring of sycophants willing to lay down their lives for him.  Raise your hand if you wonder when Krzyzewski and Dick Vitale are going to pick out a china pattern together.

Naturally, that last sentence explains a lot about why none of these questions ever get asked; resident ESPN analyst and personal Krzyzewski fellatrix Dick Vitale just can’t understand why there is all this Duke hatred out there.  Let’s see if I can clear this up for Dicky V. While Knight may have been an asshole, at least he was an honest asshole. It is one thing to be an asshole; it is an entirely other thing to spend thirty years hiding you are an asshole.

The definitive rundown on this attitude toward Krzyzewski comes from a work called Duke Sucks authored Reed Tucker and Andy Bagwell. It is described by the good people at Deadspin as “a thorough charge-by-charge frisking of the worst college basketball program known to man.” The following excerpt gives a detailing of the tone of this work, and if you still don’t get it, we here at Dubsism will break it down for you.

Charge #9: [This charge has been redacted for fear that Coach K might call us and scorch the earth with f-bombs for twenty minutes.]

There’s really no way to sugarcoat this for sensitive palates, so we’re just going to come out and say it. Coach K is probably not the sweet hoops coach/business genius/grandfather-of-five that he, the media, the Duke basketball information office, Nike, Chevy, and American Express would like you to believe he is. In truth, he’s probably kind of a jerk. Or a nickname-for-Richard. Take your pick.

Of all the high-profile coaches in the games, is there one you’d less like to spend a night drinking beer and playing Boggle with?

Okay, Rick Barnes, but after that? Really think about it for a minute.

Well, Bob Huggins always looked to me like he might be in the Russian mafia, especially when he took to wearing the track suits.  Not to mention, Frank Martin from K-State..well, if he’s not a KGB agent in the off-season is just a fucking scary dude. But, I digress…

On the likeability index, Coach K rates somewhere between Chris Brown and whoever runs Uzbekistan’s intelligence agency. Krzyzewski is prickly. He takes himself way too seriously. His ego is inflated. He must be a little paranoid—a fingerprint scan is required to open the elevator doors to his office. No one would describe his sense of humor as “winning.” He seems constantly in a bad mood and is quick to anger. He once told the media that he agreed with a player’s assessment that his teammates were all a bunch of “fucking babies.”

In the Old West, he’d be called “ornery.” He’s like one of those villainous dads from every high-school movie—the retired military man who makes his son’s life miserable because of his unbending code of discipline. Hell, he probably uses military time. (“Practice is at oh-nine-hundred, sharp!”)

That’s a generous rating on the “likeability scale.” In the old west, he’d be the guy who gets ambushed along the trail and left for the buzzards.  For a West Point graduate, Krzyzewski is the kind of guy who becomes the Army officer who gets shot in the back of the head by his own troops, precisely because he does little beyond berating them. We’ll come back to this point.

Here’s a fun little exercise you can do yourself. Pull up a Google images search for “Mike Krzyzewski” and look what you come up with. See all those photos of him frowning or yelling? Keep scanning. Do you see any of him smiling? We mean, aside from his official university head shot where they probably ordered him to seem halfway cuddly? Do you see any candid photos of him on the sideline, out in the real world or at a press conference smiling? You don’t. He looks downright constipated in most of the pictures.

But so what? He’s an intense guy, we get it. That’s probably, in part, how he’s able to win so many games.

And that would be just fine, except that like so much when it comes to Duke, there’s an element of hypocrisy here. You don’t have to look too deep into Coach K before you realize that there’s a huge disconnect between the guy’s public image and the real person. Here’s a man who theSporting News dubbed “what’s right about sports.” Here’s a man who’s beatified during practically every telecast. Here’s a man who smugly intoned during his awful American Express TV commercial a few years ago, “I don’t look at myself as a basketball coach. I look at myself as a leader who happens to coach basketball.”

How easy is it to dislike someone who exemplifies the most human characteristics of a rat all while being a two-faced elitist scumbag? This is Krzyzewski’s major contribution to Duke; he is the titular head of the Hypocritical Douchebag Committee. At once, the Duke athletic culture (led by Krzyzewski) has developed a drum-beat, party-line rhetoric about creating scholar-athletes at a private university, which Krzyzewski seems to believe is the sacred ground for all that is holy in college athletics. This becomes more important later.

And when it comes to leadership, this guy is clearly more Dick Nixon than George H. W. Bush.

“I guess the thing that surprised me the most was you don’t realize how much he curses and how much he’s on the refs all the time,” says former UNC guard Bobby Frasor. “I remember someone telling me about [former Duke player] Taylor King during his freshman year and how he thought his name was ‘motherfucker,’ because that’s how Coach K got his attention. I don’t know how true it is. I mean, he’s a great coach and I’m not going to deny that at all, but the way he handles his players or acts with the refs and media, sometimes it kind of rubs people the wrong way.”

Here’s the part where you have to understand the difference between a leader who happens to be a dick (Bobby Knight), and a dick who is in a leadership role (Krzyzewski). While Knight had a reputation for being harsh with players, when he got the “bum’s rush” out of Indiana, there were tons of former players who came forward in his defense.  Again, he was an asshole, but he was an honest asshole.  I get the feeling Krzyzewski would not get the same brand of loyalty, if for no other reason he has a huge case of “ivory tower syndrome,” which is just a nice way of saying “complete hypocrisy.”

Knight built a winning program and graduated his players at a public university, which Krzyzewski clearly has contempt for. What Duke and Krzyzewski simply don’t get is that they have created a culture which mirrors all of the false idolatry which has gotten so many other people into trouble, yet stick their collective heads in the sand clinging to the “can’t happen here” mentality with the false belief that Duke’s ivory towers have some sort of shielding capability.

Duke and Krzyzewski in many respects have built each other. The Duke campus is rife with things named for Krzyzewski, there’s a tightly knit culture in the program funded by wealthy donors and protected by an unwritten code about “keeping family business in the family.”

Krzyzewski said it himself.  In his 2007 book To Hate Like This Is to Be Happy Forever, Will Blythe quotes Coach K  as saying “Let’s say at Ohio State that we did what we have done at Duke. There would be statues. There would never be anybody looking for anything wrong with what you did.”

In retrospect, that’s a chilling statement. While he uses Ohio State as his example of a large, public university with a brobdingnagian athletic department where a “Penn State” style problem can exist, there’s no denying that Penn State completely fits the description he offers. Even worse are the suppositions hidden in that statement. Krzyzewski believes himself, and wants you to believe that such idolatry can only happen in a big, public-school setting, and that it is only because of private-school envy that people begrudge him in his success.  Pot calling the kettle black, pure and simple.

So, how does that sort of hypocrisy affect one’s leadership style? Well, for starters, it allows you to breed a culture of hypocrisy.

New York Post reporter, sitting behind Duke’s bench during a 2005 game, described the proceedings during a team huddle thusly:

“Krzyzewski himself was an unfiltered Chris Rock concert for much of the day, but one of his assistants was worse. During one timeout, with the starters sitting on the bench, gulping Gatorade, this was his idea of “coaching” them: “You’re a bleep, and you’re a bleep, and you’re a bleeping bleep-bleeper of a bleeper-bleeper. You bleepers don’t bleeping deserve to wear the bleeping colors of Duke University! Bleep! Are you bleeping bleeping me? Bleep all of you. Get out of my bleeping faces.”

“At which point, he was replaced by Krzyzewski, whose assessment was far more succinct: “You bleeping make me bleeping sick.”

That’s more bleeps than a Source Awards telecast.

“His mouth is terrible. He has that reputation. You don’t want kids sitting behind the bench, that’s for sure,” says former UNC guard Dewey Burke. “It takes a certain kind of player to deal with that over the course of four years. As players sitting around, yeah, we’ll talk about how I don’t know how I could play for a guy like that.”

Of course, to really build such a culture, you have to let it spill down beyond the coaching ranks.

One of Coach K’s tried-and-true motivating tactics is reportedly to completely blast the freshmen and other weak-link players during practice, only to later send a senior over to the player’s room to explain why he was so angry.

After a particularly poor 2005 workout, during which Coach K reamed his players in front of more than two hundred invited guests, including NCAA president Myles Brand, forward Lee Melchionni told Sports Illustrated, “That’s one thing about the Duke program: You’re always going to get the absolute truth from Coach. You may go back to your dorm room and cry, but you’re going to come back the next day and be better because of it.”

This is the part where Dukies will try to tell me Krzyzewski gets loyalty from players.  Sure they do, as long as they are still on the team. Krzyzewski is an unquestioned ruler, and you have two choices in Durham-istan; you can either toe the party line, or you can get shipped off to Siberia in a cattle car.  I don’t care how much hate mail I get for this, but I’m convinced Mike Krzyzewski is like the church minister who secretly likes little boys. He’s got all the respect of the people who could out him, but none of them do because, after all, he is the minister. Besides, he’s also that hypocritical asshole who preaches about character and discipline, then stomps around on the sideline like the biggest petulant shithead out there.

Oh, and then there’s the fact that he treats everybody with a complete lack of respect.

And it’s not just his players that he can be peevish with. It’s also members of the media, whose existence Coach K seems to barely tolerate.

How many other head coaches won’t deign to spend fifteen seconds with the designated TV sideline reporter at halftime, dispatching a lowly assistant instead?

“I don’t agree with coaches doing that. It’s a philosophical thing,” Coach K has said. “The only people I should talk to are my players.”

About the only time anyone gets access to the coach is during the postgame press conference, which can often turn churlish.

“Obviously, you didn’t see the game tonight, okay?” Krzyzewski snapped, interrupting a journalist who was asking about Duke losing a lead during a 2004 game versus UConn. “Which question would you want me to answer?” he later barked.

During a 2008 press session for the U.S. Olympic team, the coach ridiculed a foreign journalist who asked in hesitant English whether the American team was showing off by dunking too much.

“There was no showing off,” K said defensively, glaring at the journalist. “You dunk when you have to dunk. Maybe it’s a difference in our languages. Maybe in your language playing hard means showing off.”

And then there was Krzyzewski’s most infamous run-in with the media—the student media, that is. In 1990, the coach blew his stack after a student sports reporter in the university newspaper dared to give his team a B+ midseason grade.

He summoned ten newspaper staffers to the locker room and let loose with an eight-minute profanity-laced tirade that would have given a gentler man a stroke.

Unbeknownst to K, one of the reporters secretly recorded the blowup with a tape recorder hidden in his bag.

Coach K began by calling the midseason report card “full of shit,” and went on to whine, “I just wonder where your mindset is that you don’t appreciate the kids in this locker room. I’m not looking for puff pieces or anything like that, but you’re whacked out and you don’t appreciate what the fuck is going on and it pisses me off—I’m suggesting that if you want to appreciate what’s going on—get your head out of your ass and start looking out for what’s actually happening.”

Another coach might have been fired for a blue-streaked outburst against—again—student reporters. And not only students, but ones at his own school. But Coach K’s reputation took only the slightest ding. Dick Vitale was probably on the air that very night gushing about how much K does for charity.

Are you starting to get the picture here? Lot’s of other coaches would have at least been called on the carpet for such behavior. But not Krzyzewski, because he is the head of the Politburo in Durham-istan. That means he can get away with being a derogatory ass-hat, which by the way, is NOT a quality associated with great leaders. Nor is being a petulant cry-baby.

But let’s face facts. The dude is just plain mean.

When Nick Collison, who was heavily recruited by Duke, called Krzyzewski to tell him he was going to Kansas, K didn’t exactly wish him well. Or even pretend to. “He was like, ‘I don’t care. We got a commitment from Casey Sanders anyway,’” Collison told Kusports.com. (Sanders, a six-foot-eleven center, averaged 2.7 points for his career. Collison, meanwhile, currently plays for the Oklahoma City Thunder.)

During a 2005 Duke–North Carolina game at Chapel Hill, Coach K became incensed by a fan who yelled, “You’ve got [referee] Larry Rose in your pocket!” The coach had security move the fan farther away from the bench, according to the New York Post. The fan later turned out to be Scott Williams, son of UNC coach Roy Williams. Oops.

Anyone want to hire this guy to entertain children at a birthday party?

Why don’t Krzyzewski’s accomplishments come with a big, fat, shiny asterisk? Why does the man continue to be canonized in the media, while his surly side gets buried? Does winning basketball games make him that bulletproof?

No one is asking Coach K to become soft and cuddly, or even to clean up his language. His players, at least the ones that don’t transfer, seem to like—or at least tolerate—his raw approach, and far be it from us to question that. But why can’t a fuller picture of the coach be presented, so that we, the public, can form our own opinions, free of all the manufactured BS that Duke, Coach K, the media, and the advertisers want to shove down our throats?

When Yankees owner George Steinbrenner—another sports figure who was known to be demanding and prickly—died in 2010, his obituaries presented him as he was, warts and all. The New York Times recounted his felony conviction and the way he had been “overbearing and even verbally abusive” toward his children.

We can hope for nothing less for Coach K. But why wait until he passes away? No time like the present to start setting the record straight.

Verdict: What’s former VP Cheney’s first name again?

Frankly, to me, hating Duke always seemed so self-evident.  It doesn’t require Jim Rockford or the NASA supercomputer to figure out why.  All you have to do is watch watch Coach Krzyzewski on the sidelines.

-Dubsism is a proud member of Sports Blog Movement

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For…The New York Giants

1) Because nobody really knows what Tom Coughlin is

In the span of a month he’s gone from a 7-7 coach who job was on the line to a potential Hall-of-Famer. During his tenure in New York, he’s gone from brutal authoritarian to the coach “players want to play for.” I don’t know which is true, and I don’t care.  Frankly, I think he is secretly Mr. Miyagi.

2) Giants’ fans themselves, Part I

In other words, the group driving the dysmorphic vision behind rule #1. These are the people who were ready to storm the Giants’ “Bastille” six weeks ago demanding Coughlin’s head. Now they want that same head cast in bronze and sent to Canton.

3) Giants’ fans themselves, Part II

Dubsism World Headquarters are located just outside Indianapolis, and as we speak my town is filling up with Giants fans. Half of them look just like the above picture. The men look even worse.

4) They have a Manning

Granted, they have the one that bugs me the least, but now as previously mentioned, Dubsism is based in the smack dab middle of Colts’ Country, and right now we are making a our preparation to flee the impending Indiana civil war which will break out if the  Colts cut Peyton. It’s just like those old re-runs of The Big Valley…Nick may have started all the fights, but his brother Jarrod always had to shoulder the burden.

5) Another Manning joke

Drunk Eli on the cover of a video game is only fitting since most gamers are messed up half the time anyway.

6) The “Helmet Catch”

Sure, this helped them beat the Patriots last time, but thanks to this David Tyree moment, we’ve all had to listen to Patriots fans moan about this for four years.

7) Yet Another Manning joke

Honestly, I can’t tell which is funnier; the “tigger” costume, the Spidey Speedo, or the combination of the two.

8) Still yet another Manning joke

I must admit, that really does resemble Eli throwing on the run.

9) Because I’m a Philadelphia Eagles Fan

The "Miracle at the Meadowlands;" Herm Edwards about to "play to win the game."

Here’s four of my favorite moments in New York Giant history, all courtesy of my Philadelphia Eagles.

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For…The New England Patriots

1) The Brady-Bieber Hair Postulate

Having hair that covers your face is only acceptable if you are an ass-kicking sheep-dog. It is not acceptable anywhere else, not even on teen heart-throbs and especially not on quarterbacks.

2) Their general sense of entitlement

As evidenced by this t-shirt. There are far too many Patriots fans who believe they were a simple lucky catch away from a perfect season four years ago. They seem to forget the “Helmet Catch,” which while key, was not a scoring play. The Patriots lost because they got beat.

3) Football players should not appear on non-sports magazine covers

This one ought to be self-explanatory.

4) Steven Tyler

It was bad enough when he got off the heroin and Aerosmith quit making classics like “Dream On” and stared pumping out sludge like “Love in An Elevator.” It was worse when he became the grayed-out, lecherous old rocker on American Idol. But what he did to the national anthem before the AFC Championship game was inexcusable.

5) Football players should not look like a six-year old girl on a water slide

This one should also be self-explanatory.

6) Colin Cowherd and his never-ending knob-slobbing of Tom Brady

There’s no shortage of sycophantery for Tom Brady and the Patriots, but there’s nobody worse than Colin Cowherd.  If Brady dropped his shorts and made his minions form a line to determine the order in which they would be allowed to service him, Cowherd would have the first fours spots at the head of the line.

7) Tom Brady isn’t the only Patriot committing “hair-crime”

We’ll consider Tiquan Underwood as an early entry for the 2012 Artis Gilmore Dubsy Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness.

-Dubsism is a proud member of the Sports Blog Movement

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The St. Louis Cardinals

Easy…Because Albert Pujols is a psycho-killer.  Just look at that mask. It’s either that, or he’s trying to be the Jeff Dunham dummy Walter.  Either way, neither really deserves your support.

(pic courtesy of lostangelesblog)

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Milwaukee Brewers

Sure, I know it’s all about baseball, and I know I just wrote a rant asking this guy to kill himself, which is why after you see this picture, you simply cannot want to see success by the Brewers.

Farve could find a way to be the first baseball player to throw three interceptions

That’s right, today brings us a “Hate Brett Favre” double-feature. The worst part is after we saw this picture, we weren’t sure if that was Favre or longtime REAL brewer Geoff Jenkins.

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Vancouver Canucks

1) The Canucks are the team of “‘Gleeks.”

For those of you lucky enough to not know what a “Gleek” is…”Gleek” = fans of that caterwauling Fox show “Glee;” the show takes music, lets a bunch of Off-Broadway hacks rape the shit out of it, then wipe their collective dick on your eardrums. If music were left to “Gleeks,” it would all sound like elevator music led by those kids from your high-school drama club who always stunk of clove cigarettes and seems as though they were trying to sing through their noses. They killed music, and I will be damned if I’m going to let them have hockey.

2) Roberto Luongo is Secretly a Movie Star.

If that weren’t bad enough, Luongo is actually the “Borat” guy.

3) A Canuck victory will unleash a torrent of psychopathic serial killers.

It’s no accident that these guys wear hockey masks.  It’s no accident that Jason Voorhees  came from a heavily wooded area like the Pacific Northwest.  It’s no accident Vancouver is in the Pacific Northwest. The logic is clear. The Pacific Northwest is a breeding ground for the Jason Voorhees’ of the world, and they’ve been bottling up their frustration over forty years of Canuck choke-jobs. When the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup and ended decades of futility, fans in Chicago responded by burning squad cars. Can you  imagine what a horde of machete-wielding psychopaths will do?

4) Exactly what the fuck is a “Canuck?”

First, there’s the definition according to Merriam-Webster:

  • Ca·nucknoun \kə-ˈnək sometimes -ˈnu̇k\
  • Definition of CANUCK  : a Canadian and especially a French Canadian

But, you would have to comb through the history of Vancouver Canucks logos to understand that. First, there’s the one you will likely see tonight.

Nowhere in that definition does it say anything about killer whales. So, let’s say I’m wrong, and the Canucks wear their alternate logo.

That definition doesn’t say anything about hockey sticks either, but at least this one makes a bit of sense. After all, they are playing hockey. It is like if the Houston Astros wore a baseball bat logo, since nobody really knows what the hell an “Astro” is.

It’s gets a little closer to the dictionary definition when the logo combines what appears to be a French Canadian lumberjack with a hockey motif.

But, it is completely lost when the French Canadian lumberjack gets morphed into what looks like a Spanish conquistadore.

Who can support a team that has no identity?  Certainly not a blogger who is on record on the Kev and Rev Show saying “Bruins in 7…”


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