What We’ve Learned: The Dubsism Baseball Power Rankings After 10% Of The Season

1) Washington Nationals ↑ 13

What We Originally Said:

Upside: The Nationals have one of the best young rotations in baseball.  Strasburg appears ready to return to his pre- Tommy John surgery condition, and the acquisitions of Gio Gonzalez and Edwin Jackson were huge.  If Strasburg, Jordan Zimmermann, and Chien-Ming Wang can stay away from the injury problems that have bugged them, the Nationals should be able to stay in most games based on their pitching alone.  But the Nats should be stronger in the middle of the order since Ryan Zimmerman, Adam LaRoche, Michael Morse, and Danny Espinosa all could be 25 HR, 90 RBI guys.

Downside: The Nats have three question marks. The first is at first base; Adam LaRoche played only 43 games last year before season-ending surgery and hit just .172. Can he return to the form of his previous years? However, Michael Morse blossomed at first base once LaRoche went down.  Secondly, the Nats have an issue in the lead-off spot. Ian  Desmond is going to start the season there, but he’ll have to learn to be more patient.  He’s drawn only 63 walks in 308 games during 2010 and 2011. Lastly there’s the matter of timing. This needs to be the year the Nats take a step toward the future because this is the last year before the expectations are going to go up. They can still be mediocre this year, but if they finish third or worse in 2013, they may just become a red version of the Cubs.

What Actually Happened:

The pitching has been exceptional; the starters have an ERA of 1.72. Nobody in the lineup is tearing the cover off the ball, but this team only needs to score three runs to win. Even though it’s early, it is time to get worried about the injury factor – Elvin Ramirez, Chien-Ming Wang, Cole Kimball, Drew Storen, Chris Marrero, and Michael Morse are already on the DL, and we are waiting MRI results on Ryan Zimmerman.

2) Los Angeles Dodgers ↑ 16

What We Originally Said:

Upside:  Clayton Kershaw won the NL Cy Young last year and is a contender for the award again. He is signed with the Dodgers through 2013.  Matt Kemp was the runner-up for the NL MVP Award, and was a single dinger away from joining the 40HR/40 stolen base club.  The Dodgers have him locked up through 2019.

Downside: They still have yet to rid themselves of Frank McCourt.

What Actually Happened:

Two words: Matt Kemp…and getting rid of Frank McCourt didn’t hurt either.

3) Texas Rangers ↑ 2

What We Originally Said:

Upside:  The only team in the A.L. West they have to worry about is the Angels. The Rangers have a line-up tailor-made to their hitter-friendly park, so there is no reason they can’t lead the league in team batting average again. Not to mention, they placed top five in runs, on-base percentage, and slugging percentage.

Downside: The Rangers are gambling in the wake of losing C.J. Wilson to division-rival Los Angeles with their $103 million investment in Yu Darvish and moving  Neftali Feliz to the starting rotation for the first time in his major league career. Then there’s the Josh Hamilton situation…we all know about the off-the-field issues, but don’t forget the former AL MVP has been hampered by injuries lately as well.  Now contract talks are stalled, and who knows what impact that will have.

What Actually Happened:

Josh Hamilton is still playing like the MVP-caliber player he can be, Yu Darvish is showing signs of being the “real deal,” and this team is leading the league in runs scored and team ERA. That’s a tough combination to beat.

4) Atlanta Braves ↔

What We Originally Said:

Upside: Last year, I said the Braves were a collection of “what-ifs” built around a solid core of just enough hitting and just enough pitching. Now, enough of those questions became facts so that barring injuries, the Braves can contend in the NL East.

Downside: The Braves finished 13 games back of the Phillies last season, and they way the season ended for them still has to sting. The question is did they improve enough to fix those issues?

What Actually Happened:

The Upside? The Braves are first in the National League in runs scores and second in home runs. The Downside? The Braves are twelfth in the National League in team ERA.

5) New York Yankees ↓ 3

What We Originally Said:

Upside: The Yankees upgraded their pitching staff by adding Hiroki Kuroda and Michael Pineda, and by subtracting A.J. Burnett.  Prospects Dellin Betances and Manny Banuelos will soon find their way to the major league rotation as well. If the pitching staff gels and Curtis Granderson, Robinson Cano, and Mark Teixeira perform as expected, this team will prove formidable.

Downside:  Don’t look now, but this team isn’t getting any younger.

What Actually Happened:

It’s not like the Yanks don’t already have enough offensive weapons, now all of a sudden Nick Swisher is leading the American League in RBIs, and Derek “Retirement Home” Jeter is hitrting .400.

6) Detroit Tigers ↔

What We Originally Said:

Upside: Last season, the Motor City Kitties finished in the top four in runs scored, batting average, on-base and slugging percentage. The numbers can only get better with the offseason acquisition of first baseman Prince Fielder, who just happens to be a career .282 hitter averaging over 32 home runs and 93 RBI per season over the last six years.

Downside: How does the move of Cabrera back to third base work out? What will be the impact of losing DH Victor Martinez? And I’m not sold on the rotation beyond Justin Verlander and Doug Fister.

What Actually Happened:

The rib cage injury to Doug Fister hurts, and they will need him back and healthy before October, but this team should be just fine until then. Nobody else in the AL Central is legit, and that includes the smoke and mirror job known ans the White Sox.

7) Tampa Bay Rays ↔

What We Originally Said:

Upside: Their pitching staff will carry them in 2012.  David Price, James Shields, Jeremy Hellickson, Wade Davis, Jeff Niemann, and Matt Moore form a six-man rotation that just might let the Rays continue their average 92 wins over the last four seasons. Only three teams in the majors had a higher average with one of the lowest four-year payroll totals in baseball at $222 million.

Downside: The Rays need a new fanbase and stadium.

What Actually Happened:

The Rays have five guys with a slugging percentage north of .550, and they have three starters with ERA under 3.50.

8 ) St. Louis Cardinals ↑ 2

What We Originally Said:

Upside: Despite losing Albert Pujols and manager Tony La Russa, the Cardinals still have enough weapons to be a factor in the N.L. Central. Starter Adam Wainwright comes back from Tommy John surgery, and he leads a rotation featuring Chris Carpenter, Jaime Garcia, Jake Westbrook, and Kyle Lohse. Also, could this be the breakout year for World Series MVP David Freese? His 21 RBI over 18 postseason games last October could signal the start of something big.

Downside: Let’s face it…losing Albert Pujols would hurt any line-up. This means Lance Berkman has to at least come close to the .301/31 HR/94 RBI campaign he put up in 2011, and Matt Holliday has to be a .300/25 HR/RBI guy as well.

What Actually Happened:

Seven guys batting .320 or better, five guys slugging .500 or better, and four starters with ERAs under 2.50.  But this team needs Lance Berkman to get healthy and Matt Holliday to bat better than .215.

9)  Los Angeles Angels ↓ 8 

What We  Originally Said:

Upside: This team has ownership that isn’t afraid to make a move. Due to the free-agent signing of first baseman Albert Pujols and starting pitcher C.J. Wilson, the Angels committed $331.5 million, which left little room for the team to add anyone else significant during the offseason. New GM Jerry DiPoto did, however, get his hands on a decent bat bat behind the plate in Chris Iannetta, and reliable veteran relief pitcher LaTroy Hawkins becomes the latest on the list of guys who have played for both of my two favorite teams (Angels and Twins).

Pujols adds to a lineup which featured six players with double-digit home runs, and six with over 59 RBI. Top prospects in catcher Hank Conger and outfielder Mike Trout will also be in the running for a full season with the club.

C.J. Wilson adds to a rotation which already featured 2011 A.L. All-Star Game starter Jered Weaver, Dan Haren, and Ervin Santana.

Downside: Which Vernon Wells do the Angels get in 2012?

What Actually Happened:

Albert Pujols has yet to happen. This team has far too much talent both on the hill and at the plate to not be in the top ten despite their slow start. Raise your hand if you think this team won’t be a factor come October…

10) Toronto Blue Jays ↑ 5

What We  Originally Said:

Upside: Jose Bautista.  In 2010, he hit .260 with 35 doubles, 54 home runs and 124 RBI. In 2011, he hit .302 with 24 doubles, 43 home runs, and 103 RBI. He has to figure in the MVP race.

Downside: The Blue Jays could have a bright future, but the future isn’t today.  Ricky Romero has also been nothing short of excellent for the club. Last season, the 27-year-old went 15-11 with a 2.92 ERA and 178 strikeouts. It’s time to see if youngsters Brett Lawrie,  Anthony Gose, and catcher Travis D’Arnaud can live up to expectations.

What Actually Happened:

We stand by the original statements. It really isn’t Jose Bautista’s fault everybody quit pitching to him; but it will be a while before opposing pitchers fear his protection enough to pitch to him again.  But that will happen given the rate at which Toronto’s young talent is developing. Thios team has a future, but that future isn’t necessarily today.

11) Milwaukee Brewers ↑ 5

What We  Originally Said:

Upside:  Even though Miller Park is known for being tough on right-handed sluggers, the Brewers brought in third baseman Aramis Ramirez. He will need to have a Beltre-like season (.300/25 HR/90 RBIs) to help off-set the loss of Prince Fielder.

Downside: The big questions: Can Mat Gamel prove he is ready to be a major league first-baseman, including posting some power numbers at the plate? Can Wily Peralta develop into a credible big-league starter? Then there’s the elephant in the room…the Ryan Braun situation and what impact it may have…

What Actually Happened:

So much for Wily Peralta…he got shipped back to the minors on Monday.  Somehow, this team is 2nd in the National League in home runs considering Corey “Wears his sunglasses at night” Hart leads this team in the triple-crown categories (.286/5 HR/12 RBI).  Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m the first who made that joke.

12) Philadelphia Phillies ↓ 9

What We Originally Said:

Upside: The starting rotation is as good as it gets with Cole Hamels, Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee and Vance Worley. New closer Jonathan Papelbon should help shore up the bullpen.

Downside:  If the Yankees and the Phillies make the World Series, they may want to get the games done before 4 p.m., so they can all hit the early-bird specials at Denny’s. This is another team that is aging before our eyes. Carlos Ruiz, Ryan Howard, and Jimmy Rollins are 33, Chase Utley is 32, and Placido Polanco tops the list at 36. Not to mention, the Phillies have lost have lost four of their last five postseason series.

What Actually Happened:

This team is a complete wild-card. Between, Cliff Lee, Ryan Howard, and Chase Utley, this team has $56 million on the disabled list.  If they get healthy soon, they can still be a contender just on the pitching staff alone. But if they don’t, they could be an afterthought by the all-star break.

13) Chicago White Sox ↑ 10

What We Originally Said:

Upside: General Manager Ken Williams also showed a desire to rebuild his club by getting rid of longtime White Sox starter Mark Buehrle and letting go of Juan Pierre, Carlos Quentin, Jason Frasor, Sergio Santos, and Omar Vizquel.

Downside: General Manager Ken Williams has no idea how to rebuild a club. He replaced staff ace Mark Buerhle by over-paying for the ever-fraudulent John Danks.  The rest of the starting rotation will depend on the fragile Jake Peavy and the unproven Chris Sale.

What Actually Happened:

Earlier, we said this team is a “smoke and mirror” job. This team is where it is now based on a perfect game tossed by a nobody and an early .340 performance by Alex Rios, which won’t last.

14)  Cincinnati Reds ↓ 6

What We Originally Said:

Upside:  General Manager Walt Jocketty managed to improve the starting rotation by adding former Padres ace Mat Latos, the bullpen by bringing in Ryan Madson and Sean Marshall, and added some needed depth by acquiring Wilson Valdez, Willie Harris, and Ryan Ludwick. With these additions to the existing weapons like Joey Votto and Jay Bruce, and the fact the N.L. Central no longer has the likes of Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder, the Reds have the potential once again to seize the top spot in the division.

Downside: That pitching staff is managed by Dusty “The Ligament Shredder” Baker, the same Dusty Bake who think base-runners “just clog up the basepaths.”

What Actually Happened:

Thanks to the “Ligament Shredder,” Ryan Madson has already been through the “Tommy John” surgery. You know this won’t be the only damage Dusty does.   This team will hit, which will keep them in contention in a weak division, but Dusty will once again turn the bullpen into a graveyard.

15)  San Francisco Giants ↓ 4

What We Originally Said:

Upside: The San Francisco Giants have one of the best pitching staffs in baseball. Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, and Madison Bumgarner form one of the best 1-2-3 combinations in the game.

Downside: The San Francisco Giants have one of the worst offenses in baseball. With the losses of Cody Ross and Carlos Beltran, this team may find itself relying on a 3-4-5 heart of the order consisting of Pablo Sandoval, Buster Posey, and Brandon Belt.

What Actually Happened:

The loss of Brian “The Beard” Wilson may be fatal. The Giants’ recipe for success has been (insert starter here) for six innings, then some combination of Santiago Casilla, Guillermo Mota, and Sergio Romo, then Wilson in the 9th. Without Wilson, and worse yet, with Lincecum and Cain unable to reliably deliver the first six, this team can’t win.

16) Baltimore Orioles ↑ 6

What We Originally Said:

Upside: As bad as there were in 2011, their offense wasn’t all that bad and they’ve kept the core of it.  If Mark Reynolds can produce another 30-plus home run season, and Adam Jones and Nick Markakis continue their consistent hitting, the Orioles could end up being a mediocre team.

Downside:  The Orioles had the worst off-season of any Major League team.  If you don’t agree, here are their off-season acquisitions: pitchers Wei-Yin Chen, Tsuyoshi Wada, Jason Hammel, and Matt Lindstrom; and position players Wilson Betemit, Endy Chavez and Taylor Teagarden.

What Actually Happened:

OK, so the O’s have won ten games so far, so why are they ranked so low? Because they are the O’s. The best this team can hope for is mediocre, and they haven’t looked all that good in winning.  You can count on this team to fade soon; they just don’t have the horses to stay in a race.

17) Arizona Diamondbacks ↓ 4

What We Originally Said:

Upside: In a division heavy in pitching, the D-backs chose bulk by getting potential question mark Trevor Cahill from Oakland and re-signing their own free agent, Joe Saunders, after non-tendering him at the December deadline for arbitration-eligibles. Kennedy, Hudson and Saunders logged career highs in innings last season, and it will be interesting to see if they can repeat that…see below…

Downside:  Even though the Arizona Diamondbacks finished first place in the NL West Division at 94-68, their starting rotation was filled with career-best seasons:

• Ian Kennedy went 21-4 with a 2.88 earned run average and 198 strikeouts in 222 innings pitched.
• Daniel Hudson went 16-12 with a 3.49 earned run average and 169 strikeouts in 222 innings pitched.
• Joe Saunders went 12-13 with 3.69 earned run average and 108 strikeouts in 212 innings pitched.
• Josh Collmenter went 10-10 with a 3.38 earned run average and 100 strikeouts in 154.1 innings pitched.

The D-backs line-up can be inconsistent as well – they struggled to hit over .250 as team despite everyday players Gerardo Parra, Justin Upton and Miguel Montero hitting .292, .289 and .282 respectively.

What Actually Happened:

Just what we thought…the starting rotation has two guys with ERAs north of 6.00. Without a repeat of the pitching performances from last year, this team can’t rely on inconsistent bats.

18) Cleveland Indians ↑ 1

What We Originally Said:

Upside:  Shin-Soo Choo seems to be healthy. Vinne Pestano and Nick Hagadone could be the foundations of a solid, young bullpen.  Carlos Santana is a potential All-Star.

Downside: Fausto Carmona (or whoever he really is) may never get back into the country and Grady Sizemore is probably finished as an effective major league player. The heyday for this team was fifteen years ago, and unless you can find a way to add Roger Dorn, Pedro Cerrano, Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn, and Jake Taylor to the roster, there will be more than one long summer in Cleveland’s near future.

What Actually Happened:

Don’t even tell me about this team being in first place.  I bit on the Indians last year, and I’m not about to do it again.  This team in many ways could be a mirror image of the Orioles, and they will be a memory by July as well.

19) Boston Red Sox ↓ 7

What We Originally Said:

Upside:  The Boston Red Sox are taking on an entirely new look in 2012.  For the first time in recent memory, Jonathan Papelbon, J.D. Drew, Tim Wakefield, and Jason Varitek will not be on the Opening Day roster for the Red Sox. And it’s about time, especially after what happened last September.  Despite this new look, New GM Ben Cherington will be faced with the challenge of keeping the Sox a contender.

Downside: I don’t give a damn what anybody says, I don’t buy this pitching staff.  Jon Lester has always been over-rated in my book. The loss of John Lackey is a case of “addition by subtraction.”  Clay Buchholz walks too many guys. Who knows what Daniel Bard and Vincente Padilla really are?

Then, there’s the whole issue of that idiot Bobby Valentine. I can’t wait for the Terry Francona “Miss Me Yet?” billboards to break out all over New England.

What Actually Happened:

The starting pitching sucks, the relievers aren’t much better…and…wait for it…there’s the whole issue of that idiot Bobby Valentine.  The Terry Francona “Miss Me Yet?” billboards are coming soon.

20) New York Mets ↑ 4

What We Originally Said:

Upside: Whether its up or down, the theme once again for the Mets is hope. Hopefully, all the distractions that surrounded last season are gone with the departure of Jose Reyes. Hopefully, Ike Davis, and Johan Santana are healthy, will stay that way, and will perform up to expectations. Hopefully, there will be a resurgence of third baseman David Wright and Jason Bay now that the outfield wall has been moved in.

Downside:  Hopefully, all those things I just mentioned will happen.  Right after they all do happen, we can all join hands and visit the fairy princess together. Not only that, but this team goes nowhere as long as Fred Wilpon and Saul Katz own the team.  Let’s face it, meltdown, dumpster fire, train wreck…they all are synonymous with “Mets.”

What Actually Happened:

We’ll keep this simple…the Mets still suck, just not as much at first as we thought.

21) Oakland Athletics ↑ 8

What We Originally Said:

Upside:  America’s favorite breakfast cereal, Coco Crisp,  will still man the Oakland outfield after signing a $14 million, two-year contract with a club option for 2014 after hitting .264 with eight home runs, 54 RBI and 49 stolen bases last season. Then there the Cuban grab-bag known as Yoenis Cespedes. This kid could be the real deal.

Downside: The A’s are without many of their pitchers who brought success to the team in recent years. Trevor Cahill, Gio Gonzalez, and Josh Outman are out of the starting rotation, while Craig Breslow and Andrew Bailey are no longer in the bullpen. The one proven offensive power bat in the lineup has also departed; Josh Willingham hit 29 home runs and 98 RBI in 2011, but is now part of the Minnesota Twins.

What Actually Happened:

How the A’s have won 9 games all while being last in the league in average, slugging percentage, and hitting with runners in scoring position is a minor miracle.

22)  Colorado Rockies ↓ 2

What We Originally Said:

Upside: Troy Tulowitzki hit .302 with 36 doubles, 30 home runs, and 105 RBI in 2011. Carlos Gonzalez hit .295 with 27 doubles, 26 home runs, and 92 RBI in only 127 games. Casey Blake, Marco Scutaro, Ramon Hernandez, and Michael Cuddyer will all be joining the Colorado this season, which can only provide more cushion in a lineup that already features some of baseball’s best hitters. The crisp air in Colorado with these players and Todd Helton at the forefront can only mean runs, runs, and more runs.

Downside: The starting rotation will consist of Jeremy Guthrie, Jhoulys Chacin, and then any three out of about six possibles, including the 49-year old Jamie Moyer.

What Actually Happened:

Moyer is the best pitcher in a starting rotation consisting of guys all young enough to be Moyer’s kids. Despite that, none of the youngsters can do better than an ERA of 2.28 and a WHIP of 1.35.

23) Miami Marlins ↓ 14

What We Originally Said:

Upside: I don’t think there could be a more interesting team to watch in 2012. Miami is one of three teams in the Dubsism Top Ten from the N.L. East Division and got there through having by far the most active off-season. Tey’ve got a new name, new uniforms, new logos, a new stadium, a new manager,  and of course, new players. The new Marlins Park will play host to the new-look squad under new manager and old loud mouth Ozzie Guillen, who will be leading new shortstop and reigning N.L. batting champ Jose Reyes, new closer Heath Bell, and new starting pitchers Mark Buehrle and Carlos Zambrano. Added to existing Marlins Hanley Ramirezx and ace Josh Johnson, there’s no way this team won’t be entertaining at least.

Downside: This also just could be the loading of a gigantic powder-keg. Zambrano and Guillen in the same dug-out? The Marlins may want to keep the bomb squad handy at all times, not just for the volatility I just mentioned, but for the fact if this team doesn’t win right away, look for it to get blown up quick.

What Actually Happened:

Could this be…I hate to say this…but could this be yet another “dream team” that fails to perform?  How long before Jeffrey Loria is wiring the blasting caps to blow this thing up?

24)  Seattle Mariners ↓ 3

What We Originally Said:

Upside: Felix Hernandez.

Downside: This is the last year of Ichiro Suzuki’s contract with the club. The 38-year-old has seen his batting average drop 80 points over the last two seasons, so you can only expect that this will be his final season with the club unless he’s back to being the old Ichiro. In addition to Ichiro’s decline, the Mariners finished dead last in runs scored, batting average, on-base and slugging percentage last year.

What Actually Happened:

Jason Vargas and Blake Beavan joined with King Felix to give the Mariners a reasonable front three in a rotation. The trouble is the lumber is still in a slumber; no Mariner has gone deep more than twice.

25) Pittsburgh Pirates ↔

What We Said Originally:

Upside:  The Bucs are quietly cobbling together a respectable offense.  Outfielders Jose Tabata, Alex Presley, and All-Star Andrew McCutchen are likely to be the the 1-2-3  hitters; all of them hit over .275 last year, and all of them swiped over 20 sacks. Neil Walker looks like a #4 hitter after hitting 17 home runs and 62 RBI in only 460 at-bats.  Plus, the Pirates may have emerging power at the corner infield spots; Garrett Jones showed some pop with 17 homers last year, and Pedro Alvarez is due for his breakout year any time now.

Downside: Last year, the Pirates gave up the third-worst opponents batting average (.270) and received the fifth-fewest quality starts from their starting five.  A.J. Burnett is supposed to be the cure for that?

What Actually Happened:

A.J. Burnett bunts a ball into his face literally within the first five times he handles a bat. This may prove to be a blessing, but the reality now is the Pirates are lousy.

26) Chicago Cubs ↔

What We Said Originally:

Upside: Its spring, when Cubs fans everywhere have hope that at long last, this will finally be the year the winning drought in Wrigley Field ends. Plus, they off-loaded head-case first class Carlos Zambrano on the Marlins. Starlin Castro might be the bona fide star in Wrigley.

Downside: It’s not going to happen. Getting rid of Zambrano now means a pitching staff comprised of Matt Garza, Ryan Dempster, Paul Maholm, Chris Volstad and Travis Wood; along with threat of Jeff Samardzija getting work as a starter in spring training. The Cubs have an average-at-best rotation and no replacement for Aramis Ramirez on offense. Snicker if you must, but A-Ram stacks up favorably against some historic third-basemen. He’s complied the second-most 25-home run seasons (9) for a third baseman, behind only Mike Schmidt and Eddie Mathews who each had 12. Not to mention, only Chipper Jones has more seasons with at least a .300 batting average, 25 home runs and 90 RBI at the hot corner. Once again, spring becomes summer; the Cubs’drought continues.

What Actually Happened:

The Cubs are usually finished once the ivy blooms. Thanks to an unusually warm spring in Chicago, that happened early this year.

27)  San Diego Padres ↔

What We Said Originally:

Upside: Again, you really can’t beat the weather in San Diego…and the Padres, despite the loss of Mat Latos, Aaron Harang, and Heath Bell still have a serviceable  (not great, serviceable) pitching staff currently slated to feature Clayton Richard, Edinson Volquez, Tim Stauffer, Dustin Moseley, and Cory Luebke.  Heath Bell’s closer role has been replaced by Huston Street.

Downside:  The Padres offense last year was in the bottom three in runs scored (593), batting average (.237), on-base percentage (.305) and slugging percentage (.349). The only improvements to that came in the form of Carlos Quentin, Yonder Alonso, and current AARP member Mark Kotsay.

What Actually Happened:

It’s not really that hard to meet expectations when nobody expects anything from you.

28) Houston Astros ↑ 2

What We Originally Said:

Upside:  They have some nice young talent on the team like Jose Altuve, Jason Castro, and Fernando Martinez, and they still have Carlos Lee as the lone power source on the roster.

Downside: Last year, the pitching staff was bottom five in league rankings with a 4.51 cumulative ERA, 1.42 WHIP and a .266 opponents batting average en route to a league worst 56-106 record. That staff didn’t get any better.

What Actually Happened:

Wandy Rodriguez has respectable numbers for a pitcher.  In Houston, that makes him one of a dozen.

29) Minnesota Twins ↓ 1

What We Originally Said:

Upside: It is possible they get production from the faces of the franchise, Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau. Last year thanks to injuries, Mauer hit .287 with three home runs and 30 RBI, while Morneau hit a horrid .227 with four home runs and 30 RBI.

Downside: Only three players on the Twins saw more than 100 games of action last year. There’s Michael Cuddyer, who is now getting his mail in Colorado, outfielder Ben Revere, and third baseman Danny Valencia. These might be the only Twins who matter in 2012.

What Actually Happened:

When does Ron Gardenhire become Ron Garden-fired? The Twins haven’t canned a manager since the same year Jamie Moyer made his major league debut (yes, every single baseball time reference on this blog will orbit around Planet Moyer). The last manager to be fired by the Minnesota Twins was Ray Miller on September 12th, 1986.  Let’s be honest, Garden-fired’s success came from players developed by Tom Kelly, and Garden-fired’s 6-21 play-off record makes him one of the worst post-season mangers ever. However, to be fair, it isn’t like he is going to get a chance to change those numbers anytime soon.

30) Kansas City Royals ↓ 13

What We Originally Said:

Upside: The club is loaded with young talent like Eric Hosmer and Alcides Escobar.  Alex Gordon turned a corner in 2011. Billy Butler, Jeff Francoeur, and Jason Kendall provide veteran leadership, and there are more top prospects on the way like Wil Myers and Bubba Starling. The Royals also added pitching with starter Jonathan Sanchez and closer Jonathan Broxton.

Downside: General Manager Dayton Moore is a bit of an unproven commodity, so there’s no guarantee that he isn’t going to mortgage the future if the fans expectations suddenly outstrip the team’s talent.

What Actually Happened:

This team couldn’t suck more if you gave them a fully-automated, electrically-powered, full-on sucking machine. This team couldn’t suck more if you crossed them with Linda Lovelace and the Vietnamese “Me love you long time” girl from Full Metal Jacket.  It all starts when you have to say Bruce Chen is your Opening Day starter. For every other team in the league, that’ s an April Fools’ joke. For the Royals, that’s a fucking sucking reality.

Enter Your Own “Wang” Joke for the Washington Nationals

Time for some brutal honesty, men. Every one of you has taken a “C-list” woman on an “A-List” date just because you knew it dramatically increased your odds of breaking a “dry spell.” Picture the Washington Nationals as Mr. Dry Spell, and free-agent pitcher Chien-Ming Wang as the C-list chick and you get the idea.

But the Nats are soooo lonely. They haven’t had a taste since Montreal, so you really can’t criticize the Nats for dropping $2 million just to get some Wang back in their clubhouse. they’ve waited through two years of Wang injuries for this moment, as Wang takes the bump tonight, but you can make a lot of dick jokes. A name like Wang takes the hard out of dick jokes. A name like Wang begs to be given head…lines.

That’s why were here at Dubsism have started our own hash tag on Twitter. Just head to #wangheadlines and hit us with your best shot.

This leaves us all on tinterhooks until the day some copywriter in D.C. gets the nads to whip out his dick joke chops. I think the Wang wait won’t be long.

Matt Stairs: My First Fantasy Baseball “Man-Crush”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that…” – Jerry Seinfeld

If you’ve never been a fantasy baseball participant, this won’t make sense to you at all. In fact, most of this blog makes very little sense to most people, so you are far from alone. However, if you’ve known the joys of fantasy baseball draft day, and the near-suicidal despair of watching your first-round draft pick Ken Griffey, Jr. snap a hamstring in a spring game literally three hours after you drafted him, then you understand the concept of the Man-Crush.

Simply defined, the Man-Crush is all about being “in love” with a particular player.  Just like love, sometimes you don’t know why you love them; you just do. You’ll do anything to get them on your team, and it will crush you when your love goes unrequited; your dreams unrealized.

My first fantasy baseball “man-crush” was Matt Stairs. I choke up a little bit just typing his name; given the fact the reason I’m writing this today – this is the day Stairs was designated for assignment by the Washington Nationals.  Stairs is a unique guy who has had a unique career up to this point.

I can’t even bring myself to think this might be the end for Stairs; after all, he is 43 years old. I hold out hope that some other team, one whose uniform he has not yet worn, will see fit to give the professional pinch-hitter another shot.  See, Stairs has played for damn near everybody.

• 1992-1993: Montreal Expos
• 1995: Boston Red Sox
• 1996-2000:  Oakland A’s
• 2001: Chicago Cubs
• 2002: Milwaukee Brewers
• 2003: Pittsburgh Pirates
• 2004 – 2005: Kansas City Royals
• 2006: Detroit Tigers and Texas Rangers
• 2007: Toronto Blue Jays
• 2008 – 2009: Philadelphia Phillies
• 2010: San Diego Padres
• 2011 (up to now): Washington Nationals

Stairs has worn 13 major-league uniforms, more than anybody in baseball history.  Let’s be honest, guys that change addresses that often are either complete headcases or “Have Fastball, Will Travel”-type bullpen guys.  The reason Stairs has been on so many rosters is he became a slugging pinch-hitter extraordinaire. Nobody has more career home runs coming off the bench than Stairs.  Any team out there needing some thunder from the bench? Just call Matt Stairs.

It shouldn’t surprise anyone Stairs climbed his way into my heart with power. It all started back in 1996, and the first time I saw him as a young outfielder with the Oakland A’s.  Specifically, it was the day in Minnesota I saw him hit two moon-shots off whatever slagheaps the Twins were offering as pitchers in those dark days of Dome-ball.  Both of those shots arced majestically into the upper deck in right field and right into my heart. I was hooked.

He had a short, quick swing, forearms like Popeye the Sailor, and he was left-handed. Anybody who knows me knows I’ve always has a weakness for leftie Canadian sluggers. Corey Koskie, Justin Morneau…I even sneaked peeks at Larry Walker even though he belonged to another.

I saw all I needed to see that afternoon in the Metrodome. Stairs had He had all the hallmarks of a 30-homer, 100-RBI guy.  But he didn’t look like your classic leftie slugger.  He was only 5’9” and stocky, and he didn’t have that beautiful, smooth stroke most good left-handed hitters have. I didn’t care. His upper-cut swing was a thing of beauty to me.

But I wasn’t the only fantasy suitor whose eye he caught.  Sadly, Matt would not be mine. Instead, I had to watch him blossom into that productive player while he belonged to another. Finally, in 2000, I landed Matt.  He was coming off his career year, slugging 38 dingers and driving in 102.

That April was the sweetest month. Matt was off to a hot start, and things started to seem as though he was going to be the piece that was missing, finally elevating me out of the fantasy baseball doldrums.

But the honeymoon didn’t last.

Matt’s production tailed off; he never again would hit 30 homers, nor drive in 100 runs. But I clung to the hope that the salad days would return. My friends tried to tell me that the relationship was bad for me and I should end it, but just couldn’t do it. I didn’t see the pudgy, slowing outfielder they saw; all I saw was Matt.

It took three more years before I finally had to face the ugly truth; Matt was never going to be the light of my fantasy baseball life. Ending the relationship was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but ultimately, I was better off for doing it.

A lot of years have gone by since it’s been over, but I still have feelings for Matt. Who ever really forgets their first?  Up until today, I would see him around every once in a while; it always did my heart good to see him doing well wherever he was.  To this day, that bomb he hit against the Dodgers in the 2008 NLCS will always be a special moment; that rarest of highs when the addict finally catches the dragon he’s been chasing. But as the saying goes, eventually, all good things come to an end, and this is no different. Even though we’ll never be together again, it will be a strange day for me when Matt is eventually out of the league.

That’s the danger in fantasy baseball. It’s always fun until somebody gets hurt.

Guest Column: Joe McGrath on Stupidity

Editor’s Note: Mr. McGrath has long and storied history in the management of professional sports franchises, most notably as the general manager of the Charlestown Chiefs of the now-defunct Federal League. Oh, and this is probably a good time to mention that Mr. McGrath’s views are his own, and do not necessarily reflect those of Dubsism, our staff, or anybody else whose house you might want to burn to the ground.

What a lot of you don’t know about me is that I love to read in my spare time. I picked up this habit on those long bus trips to places like Peterborough back in my Federal League days. The other night I found this book of quotes, and it had a section on stupidity. As I read through some of these quotes, it occurred to me just how rampant stupidity is in our world.  Albert Einstien once said only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. I don’t that guy ever said anything ever more important. The funny part is that so many of these quotes, eve if they are hundreds of years old still apply to some of the shitheads we have out there today.

1) Bud Selig, Commissioner, Major League Baseball

“The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he always gives himself for doing them.” - Oscar Wilde

For life of me, I can’t figure out what this shit-for-brains was thinking. He has one guy who wanted to buy the Dodgers and had the money, cash goddamn money, and all of it that day. Instead, Commissioner Big Brain sells to a guy that has less than 2% of the cash up-front, and has the rest of the money in a financing plan shakier Oprah’s flabby ass.

2) Brian Sabean, General Manager, San Francisco Giants

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and consciencious stupidity.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

You baseball guys are such pussies sometimes. In hockey, if our star goalie gets plowed over, we just send a few of the big boys out to exact some “street justice.” But when Buster Posey got creamed on a play where deserved to get creamed, you bitched about it so long and loud you probably went through two full menstrual cycles while you did it. Teach your boys to play hard, but play smart, and most of all, keep your little fairy-yap shut. The game is about them, not your soft, fluffy ass.

3) David Kahn, General Manager, Minnesota Timberwolves

“Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.”  - Sloan Wilson

This is right in my wheelhouse, as I was a general manger you far more years than I care to remember. There’s tow parts to the bottom line to success in that job.

1. Never question the integrity of the league commissioner, even if you know the cocksucker is so crooked his driver’s license picture looks like a question mark.
2. Never fire a coach who is happy to have a shitty job.

I rarely see a guy who steps in it like this moulyak. He blew through both of these in less than a month. First, he essentially calls NBA Commissioner David Stern a crook by insinuating the league’s draft lottery is fixed. Of course Stern’s a crook, he’s a Commissioner. To be a Commissioner, you have to be a politician, and to be a politician, you have have to be slimier that a snot-covered pile of worm-filled horse shit. You just can’t say it.

Then he jerks around Kurt Rambis on the Wolves’ head coaching job. Look, I get Rambis couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag if you gave him a map and a blowtorch, but nobody in their right mind wants that job. If you have a guy whose is happy to fail in a job where you expect failure, be happy with that.

4) Jim Hendry, General Manager, Chicago Cubs

“The ugly and the stupid have the best of it in this world. They can sit at their ease and gape at the play. If they know nothing of victory, they are at least spared the knowledge of defeat.” - Oscar Wilde

Let’s be honest, anybody in a leadership role with the Cubs clearly understands this. Without the thrill of victory, there is no point of reference for the agony of defeat. That means if you are Jim Hendry, there’s just of lot of confused staring into the opposing dugout and wondering, “Why do those guys all seem so happy?”

5) Jim Riggleman, ex-Manager, Washington Nationals

“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.” – Oscar Wilde

I understand how the blue-collar set thinks Riggleman standing up for his pride is a noble and honorable act. That’s exactly why they are on the lower rung of the social ladder and will never climb it. Riggleman wasn’t some ball-scratcher making eleven bucks an hour on some assembly line; he had signed a binding contract to do a job, for which he was to be paid in one year what the people worshipping his titanic act of stupidity make in a decade.  Instead, Riggleman doesn’t have the raisins to live with his pride being wounded a bit and commits career suicide over it.

6) E. Gordon Gee, President,  Ohio State Penitentiary University

“Between a fellow who is stupid and honest and one who is smart and crooked, I will take the first. I won’t get much out of him, but with that other guy I can’t keep what I’ve got.” - General Lewis B. Hershey

Time for some brutal honesty for Brutus F. Buckeye. The “resignation” of Jim Tressel was not an attempt of the university to ward off NCAA sanctions. It was attempt by Gee to yank his ass out of the fire. Gee committed the cardinal sin of letting a subordinate get away with murder because he was producing results. Every once in a while, you have to make sure your people aren’t doing things for which you ultimately will be held accountable.

When you find out something on which you need to act, there are plenty of ways to deal with such a problem that still insulate yourself. Put a sealed letter of reprimand in his file that contains a clause to the effect of  ”you are on double-secret probation for period of time X, at the end of which this letter will be removed from your file.”

The trick is you keep that letter in your file along with a log of everytime the farted in the wrong key; that way you have a record that you acted on known bad behavior, and you have plenty of stuff to introduce into the record for any potential legal proceedings.

Either way, you will have cards to play instead of losing your job for “looking the other way.”  Denial always means death when the word gets out.

When The Affair Is Over – Jim Riggleman and The Washington Nationals

I know that title sounds a bit flip, but in all honestly, this relationship was an affair, not a marriage.

It all started a few years back when the Nationals fired the best manager they could hope to get at the time.  On the rebound from Manny Acta, Mike Rizzo hired Jim Riggleman. From all appearances, the relationship was working; the Nationals as of this writing are arguably the hottest team in all of baseball. This franchise is playing .500 baseball for the first time in Washington.

However, it seems there was a problem that we all didn’t become aware of until yesterday afternoon. Don’t think for a minute this wasn’t brewing for a while; 50-something year old guys don’t just have blow-ups and walk out on six-figure salaries and contractual obligations.

I have to admit, I don’t like that Riggleman has been getting piled on for quitting; in fact I understand the position he’s in. Don’t get me wrong, I think he handled it badly, but let’s not forget it takes two to tango.

Let’s go back to the marriage/affair analogy. Rizzo and Riggleman are in a relationship where they are responsible for the development of a team of young players. A “marriage” would have given Riggleman a long-term deal, rather than the series of one-year deals he had been working under, which makes Riggleman feel he was a permanent “interim manager.”  Let’s be honest, that’s exactly what he was.

This is the part where you ask yourself why is Rizzo willing to get into bed, but not willing to walk down the aisle with Riggleman? I’d be willing to bet you Rizzo’s cause for pause is Riggleman’s managerial record.

• Overall record of 662-824 (.445) in 12 seasons as manager
• He’s only ever finished a season over .500 twice (one was the strike-shortened 1995 season)
• Has only won more than 80 games once
• Never managed a division-winner

That’s not exactly a sparkling record, but it also ignores a couple of key facts.

Riggleman has been lucky enough to manage some bad franchises; ones that really didn’t have a commitment to winning when he was there; San Diego, Chicago Cubs, Seattle, and now Washington. If that weren’t enough, look at the managers he’s replaced.

• Greg Riddoch – 200-194 (.508) in three seasons with San Diego; never managed in the major leagues again
• Tom Trebelhorn – 49-64 (.434) in 1994 with the Cubs; never managed in the major leagues again
• John McLaren – 68-88 (.436) in 156 games with Seattle; never managed in the major leagues again
• Manny Acta – 158-252 (.385) in three seasons with Washington; now managing the Cleveland Indians

Boil it all down, and it tells you Riggleman is a “clean-up” guy; he’s the type of manager that digs teams out of holes created by another manager, and leaves those teams in a position to be better than when he came. Look at the records of teams in the season after he left, and compare it to what Riggleman inherited.

• San Diego – 1994: 47-70  1995: 70-74
• Chicago Cubs – 1999: 67-95  2000: 65-97
• Seattle – 2008: 36-54  2009: 85-77

Here’s the problem; the clean-up guy is like the rebound girlfriend, the one you date after a bad break-up; the one who convinces you that you don’t hate all women, just the one you caught screwing your best friend. The sad reality is that nobody marries the rebound girl, her job is to pave the way for the one who is going to get the ring.

In other words, Riggleman is not the manager who is going to get a ring. There’s three kinds of major league managers: there’s the “dig you into a hole” guy, there’s the “clean-up” guy, and there’s the “ring” guy.  Nobody ever hires the “hole” guy on purpose, because they don’t come with warning signs. But general manager certainly know the “clean-up” and “ring” guys; and they hire according to their needs. Mike Rizzo is no exception.

So, Rizzo knows something Riggleman doesn’t. Riggleman’s not knowing his role meant he overplayed his hand when he confronted Rizzo with the “marry me or I’m outta here” ultimatum.

What Riggleman needs to realize is that “ring” guys can’t exist without “clean-up” guys; for every Joe Torre, there’s a Buck Showalter. It is also the “clean-up” guys who get the jobs. The trick to success in any line of management, be it baseball or in business is to know your strengths and weakness and own them.  Be who you are, not who you think you are.

However, having said that, Rizzo plays a role in getting us all to this point as well. Rizzo had to know this was an issue, and Rizzo chose to not deal with it. Riggleman asked to meet with him behind closed doors and settle this matter, but he chose to decline the meeting. That means there is no way Rizzo can claim he didn’t know there was a problem, and there’s no way he can say he did all he could to avoid this catastrophe.

It begs the question why he turned down the meeting in the first place. Anybody in management can tell you that people who want to meet with their boss does so because they are frustrated about something. In my real job, I’ve had people who worked for me come to me with various complaints, and in 99% of those cases, as a manager you don’t even have to do anything, just hear them out.  That’s a pretty low level of effort, but saying “no” to that meeting is the best way to tell an employee you couldn’t give a rat’s ass less about them or their problem. Funny how that tends to result in people telling you to take your job and shove it.

Riggleman felt he deserved better, and that caused him to make a bad decision. It bodes badly for a man in a leadership role to walk away from a commitment to his team over over what is essentially a disagreement with his boss.  Not to mention, giving your boss an ultimatum is never a good idea.  Riggleman deserves criticism for that, but for every word aimed at him, one should be aimed at Rizzo.  After all, an ultimatum tends to be an act of last resort and Rizzo didn’t even have the stones to tell him “you’re not our guy” to his face.  Sending a message to your people that you don’t care about them is far worse than anything Riggleman did.

Great Moments in the History of Paper Bags

If you are of my ethnic construct and age, you likely know the term “Paper Bag Test.”  Sports has a “paper bag test” all its own, and it is just as unflattering. In this case, the paper bag was used to hide being a fan of a dreadful organization. The following is a list of the great “paper bag” teams of all time.

11) New Orleans Saints

Granted, the Saints won the Super Bowl last year, but it’s impossible to create a list of “Paper Bag Franchises” without including the team whose fans invented the idea of using the  bag to show their disgust.  The rumor is that a Saints’ fan was inspired by The Gong Show’s Unknown Comic, and used the shtick to protest the Saints’ 1-15 season by adorning a bag.

10) Detroit Lions

Where do you start with the epic failure known as the Lions? Other than the Barry Sanders era (in which they were supremely mediocre), they have largely defined failure for a half-century. After going a decade without making a playoff appearance, the Lions sank to an 0-16 mark in 2008.  Frankly, the whole city ought to wear a bag.

9) New York Knicks

This another team that doesn’t stink right this minute (wait, let me check the standings…), but that’s largely because they don’t have Isiah Thomas and Stephon Marbury repeatedly captaining the HMS Knick-tanic into the iceberg.  Don’t forget it was just a few short years ago the Knicks were so bad often started booing before the end of the first quarter.  Boy they did boo…they booed players, coaches, referees, performers, the other team’s players…after the game they went to the closest hospital and booed surgeries.

8 ) New York Mets

The Mets are the rich guy who keeps marrying the “gold digger” woman as therefore keeps himself in a consistent state of Pathetic. Just look at the amount of money the Mets have spent on free agents in the past 20 years, and look the amount of success they’ve had in that time. The highlight:  September 2007, when the Mets held a seven-game division lead over the Philadelphia Phillies with just 17 games to play, which led to one of the most epic collapses in baseball history.  How did that happen? Because they are the Mets.

7) Cleveland Browns

How frustrating must it be as a Browns’ fan? Your original team gets spirited off to Baltimore only to become a top-flight NFL organization. Meanwhile, you get a replacement team that has spent the better part of the last decade looking like a fraternity touch football team deep into its third keg of beer.  Browns fans got so frustrated with their franchise they used an appearance on Monday Night Football to try and get the attention of team owner Randy Lerner. It worked and two fans got face time with him to discuss the future of the team. Let’s just hope they took their bags off when they did it.

6) Milwaukee Bucks

What can you say about a team that hasn’t won a playoff series in a decade in a league where even teams that aren’t in the damn league can get into the playoffs?  It can be summed nicely in the picture above, a fan was wearing a paper bag and a jersey of a player who had departed the team a season earlier. Fear the Deer, my ass.

5) Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Here’s a team that looks like it may have a non-suck future, and has won a Super Bowl in the not-all-that-distant past. But since then, it has ejected its superstar players and its marquee head coach since that championship in 2003. Before that win, this team was best known for its “creamsicle” colored uniforms, its 0-26 start as an NFL franchise, and some of the best sports quotes ever.

4) Atlanta Falcons

Much like the Buccaneers, this team has a possible non-suck future, but definitely has a suck past. You likely remember their lone Super Bowl appearance in 1999 more for Eugene Robinson turning it into his own personal Hooker-palooza. More recently, this teams failure bona fides include head coach Bobby Petrino skipping out on the team halfway through the season in 2007, followed by Michael Vick going to jail in 2008.

3) Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs are like a woman that was hot thirty years ago, but still thinks she’s “got it” despite the fact her breasts are now in asynchronous orbit around her knees. Len Dawson and Hank Stram was a long time ago; there’s a reason the Chiefs are now the proud owner of the NFL’s longest playoff losing streak.  If that weren’t enough, note the securing system this fan has rigged, likely figuring that bag may need to be in place for a while.

2) Cincinnati Bengals

The only thing more frustrating than being a Detroit Lions’ fan is being a Cincinnati Bengals fan. Why? Because the Bengals every once in a while look like a real football team, but then give you the “Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown” treatment. And just like Charlie Brown, those suckers that fill Paul Brown Stadium fall for it every fucking time. But these guys know who the Bungles really are.

1) Washington Nationals

The poor Nationals…they really are the team nobody wanted. Born as the Montreal Expos in1969, they consistently drew about 9 fans per game despite the fact many of those Expos teams sported several top-notch players (Hall of Famers Gary Carter and Andre Dawson for openers). Since moving to D.C. in 2005, the Gnats have finished higher than last place just once.

Ten Famous Deaths By Radiation Poisoning and Their Equivalent Sports Firings

Over on Listverse, there has been another great-yet-odd list compiled. While the subject doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that I found it comparable to a somehow-sports-related screed, it is really hard to resist a list of people who were killed by radiation. Just think, the same power that heats up your lunch in 90 seconds can also reduce you to a pile of symptoms like severe nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, rapid hair loss, infections, edema, high fever, and coma and/or death.

Of course, terrible sports coaches and managers are another force that can turn you into a retching pile of guts. So, it only seems natural to compare 10 great deaths by radiation sickness with 10 notorious sackings of sports leaders.

#10) Cecil Kelley

On December 30, 1958 an accident occurred in the Los Alamos plutonium-processing facility. Cecil Kelley, an experienced chemical operator was working with a large mixing tank. The solution in tank was supposed to be “lean”, typically less than 0.1 grams of plutonium per liter. However, the concentration on that day was actually 200 times higher. When Kelley switched on the stirrer, the liquid in the tank formed a vortex and the plutonium containing layer went critical releasing a huge burst of neutrons and gamma radiation in a pulse that lasted a mere 200 microseconds.

Kelley, who had been standing on a foot ladder peering into the tank through a viewing window, fell or was knocked to the floor. Two other operators on duty saw a bright flash and heard a dull thud. Quickly, they rushed to help and found Kelley incoherent and saying only, “I’m burning up! I’m burning up!”. He was rushed to the hospital, semiconscious, retching, vomiting, and hyperventilating. At the hospital, Kelly’s bodily excretions were sufficiently radioactive to give a positive reading on a detector.

Two hours after the accident, Kelley’s condition improved as he regained coherence. However, it was soon clear that Kelley would not survive long. Tests showed his bone marrow was destroyed, and the pain in his abdomen became difficult to control despite medication. Kelley died 35 hours after the accident.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Bum Phillips Being Fired by the Houston Oilers

All Bum Phillips did was usher in the “Luv Ya Blue” era for the Oilers; you know, that fleeting glimpse of time when pro football in Houston didn’t suck. But much like Kelly, Phillips’ demise wasn’t his own fault. Phillips got the gate in Houston because he was unable to do something nobody in the 70′s could; beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.

#9) Harry K. Daghnian, Jr.

Harry K. Daghlian, Jr. was an Armenian-American physicist with the Manhattan Project. On August 21, 1945 he was conducting an experiment attempting to build a neutron reflector by manually stacking a series of tungsten carbide bricks around a plutonium core. As he was moving the final block over the assembly, neutron counters alerted Daghlian to the fact that the addition of this brick would render the system supercritical. As he withdrew his hand, he accidentally dropped the brick onto the center of the assembly. The addition of this last brick caused the reaction to go immediately supercritical.

Daghnian panicked immediately after dropping the brick and attempted to knock off the brick without success. He was forced to partially disassemble the tungsten carbide pile to halt the reaction causing him to receive a lethal dose of neutron radiation. He died 25 days later. Daghlian was violating safety regulations by working on the assembly late at night and alone in the laboratory.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Dennis Green Being Fired By the Minnesota Vikings

Nothing defines the Dennis Green era in Minnesota quite like pure, uncut incompetence. Green clearly Sadly, Green’s death took longer than 25 days; Denny lingered for ten years, a decade that saw the Vikings win absolutely nothing despite having monstrously talented teams. But as we know now, nothing destroys talent quite like stupidity.

#8 ) Louis Slotin

Louis Slotin was a Canadian physicist and chemist who took part in the Manhattan Project that created the first atomic bombs. He participated in criticality testing of plutonium cores, often referred to as “tickling the dragon’s tail.”

On May 21, 1946 Slotin and seven other colleagues performed an experiment that involved the creation of one of the first steps of a fission reaction by placing two half-spheres of beryllium around a plutonium core. Slotin was stabilizing the upper beryllium sphere with his left hand using the blade of a screwdriver to maintain the separation between the two half-spheres in violation of experimental protocol. At 3:20pm the screwdriver slipped causing the upper beryllium sphere to fall creating a prompt critical reaction and a burst of radiation. Scientists in the room observed a blue glow around the spheres and felt a heat wave.

Slotin instinctively jerked his left hand upward, lifting the upper beryllium hemisphere and dropping it to the floor, ending the reaction. However, Slotin had already been exposed to a lethal dose of radiation, equivalent to the amount that he would have received had he been 1500m away from an atomic bomb detonation. He was rushed to the hospital immediately, but the damage was irreversible and he died nine days later on May 30, 1946. The core he dropped was the very same core dropped by Daghnian the year before – causing it to be named the Demon Core.

Slotin’s story is integrated in the movie, “Fat Man and Little Boy” starring Paul Newman and John Cusack.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Anybody who hired, then fired Gene Mauch after 1964.

Nobody seems to learn the lesson; safety regulations exist for a reason. Somebody somewhere somewhat smarter than you already knew that you shouldn’t stand on the top rung of the ladder, nor should you grab the overhead wire.  That’s why there is usually a sign or a label; some sort of warning that what you are about to do is a bad idea.

Gene Mauch should have come with just such a label. Clearly, the other signs were not visible enough…the collapse of the 1964 Phillies, the malaise that was the Montreal Expos in the early 70′s, and the Angels’ playoff choke-jobs in the 80′s…Mauch kept a level of respect in baseball that he kept getting hired even after just having been fired for complete ineptitude.

#7)  Eben McBurney Byers

Eben McBurney Byers was a wealthy American socialite, athlete, and industrialist. In 1927 while returning via chartered train from the annual Harvard-Yale football game, Byers fell from his berth and injured his arm. He complained of persistent pain and a doctor suggested that he take Radithor, a patent medicine containing high concentrations of radium. Byers drank nearly 1400 bottles over three years. By 1930, when Byers stopped taking the remedy, he had accumulated significant amounts of radium in his bones resulting in the loss of most of his jaw. Byers’ brain was also abscessed and holes were forming in his skull. He died from radium poisoning on March 31, 1932. He is buried in Allegheny Cemetery in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in a lead-lined coffin.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Kevin McHale Being Fired by the The Minnesota Timberwolves.

Minnesota Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor seems to have been drinking the Radithor for years. While Kevin “McFail” was busy taking that franchise from the conference finals all the way to the bottom of the lottery, Taylor just sat idly by, obviously letting something eat through his brain. It might as well be radium. Not only that, but when you get mistaken for the handicapped kid from “Glee,” you should just give it up.

#6) Hiroshi Couchi

Japan’s worst nuclear radiation accident took place at a uranium reprocessing facility in Tokaimura, northeast of Tokyo, on September 30, 1999. The direct cause of the criticality accident was workers putting uranyl nitrate solution containing about 16.6 kg of uranium, exceeding the critical mass, into a precipitation tank. The tank was not designed to dissolve this type of solution and was not configured to prevent eventual criticality.

Three workers were exposed to lethal radiation doses. One of these workers, Hiroshi Couchi, was transferred to the University of Tokyo Hospital and three days after the accident he could talk and only his right hand was a little swollen with redness. However, his condition gradually weakened as the radioactivity broke down the chromosomes in his cells.

The doctors were at a loss as to what to do. There were few precedents and proven medical treatments for victims of radiation poisoning. A local television crew followed the story for 83 days until Hiroshi died. Their observations are chronicled in the book, “A Slow Death: 83 Days of Radiation Sickness.”

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Jimy Williams Being Fired by the Toronto Blue Jays.

Tony Kornheiser explained this with his coining of one of the great baseball nicknames of all time. In the 80′s, Jimy Williams found himself with a dilemma. It seemed the Toronto outfield wasn’t large enough for all-star George Bell and a rookie nobody had ever heard of. Williams was instrumental in Bell’s departure for Chicago, and his eventual firing should tell you how well that worked. This is how Jimy “I’ve got to make room for Sil Campusano” Williams essentially killed himself.

#5) Marie Curie

Marie Sklodowska Curie was a physicist and chemist and a pioneer in the field of radioactivity. In fact, it was Curie that coined the term radioactivity, though Henri Becquerel discovered the phenomenon years earlier. Curies research into the properties of two different uranium ores, pitchblende and chalcolite. led to the discovery of radium and polonium, other radioactive elements. Curie’s husband, Pierre, was so intrigued by her research that he decided to suspend his own research to join her.

The Curies undertook the arduous task of separating radium out of pitchblende ore. From a ton of pitchblende, one-tenth of a gram of radium chloride was separated. Unfortunately, the Curies were unaware of the deleterious health effects of repeated unprotected radiation exposure. Pierre Curie died in 1906 after being hit and run over by a horse drawn carriage, however Marie lived for another 28 years continuing her research and eventually winning two Nobel prizes. She often carried test tubes containing radioactive isotopes in her pocket and stored them in her desk drawer, remarking on the pretty blue-green light that the substances gave off in the dark.

Marie Curie died on July 4, 1934 due to aplastic anemia contracted from exposure to radiation. She is interred at the cemetery in Sceaux, alongside her husband Pierre. Her laboratory is preserved at the Musee Curie. Due to their levels of radioactivity, her papers from the 1890’s are considered too dangerous to handle. Even her cookbook is highly radioactive. They are kept in lead-lined boxes, and those who wish to consult them must wear protective clothing.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Houston Nutt Being Run Out of the University of Arkansas.

Radiation exposure would explain Nutt's obvious insanity.

There’s a link between being a genius innovator and succumbing to your own success. There’s also something to be said for getting caught banging the local news anchorette. But much like the Curies and their relentless search for radium, Nutt never seems to be satisfied with whatever job he currently holds. The aforementioned wandering eye at Arkansas contributed to an early departure. The same was true at Murray State and Boise State where Nutt always seemed to be interviewing for the next job instead of focusing on the current one.

#4) Alexander Litvinenko

Alexander Litvinenko was a former KGB officer who escaped prosecution in Russia and received political asylum in the United Kingdom . In November of 2006 he suddenly fell ill and was hospitalized. He died three weeks later and post-mortem tests showed he had been given a lethal dose of Polonium-210 via a cup of tea. On his deathbed, Litvinenko accused Russian president Vladimir Putin of being behind his death.

Subsequent investigations by British authorities into the circumstances of Litvinenko’s death led to serious diplomatic difficulties between the British and Russian governments. Unofficially, British authorities asserted that “we are 100% sure who administered the poison, where and how”. However they did not disclose their evidence in the interest of a future trial. The main suspect in the case, a former officer of the Russian Federal Protective Service (FSO) Andrei Lugovoy, remains in Russia. As a member of the Duma, he now enjoys immunity from prosecution.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Tubby Smith Being Fired by the University of Kentucky.

Tubby Smith clearly fell out of favor with the politburo in Lexington. But what can you say about the Soviet-style delusion of the University of Kentucky. How do you exile into the gulag a guy who won you a national championship, who wins nearly eighty percent of his games, and is universally respected?

#3)  Soviet Submarine K-19

K-19 was one of the first two Soviet submarines equipped with nuclear ballistic missiles. Several people had died during its construction earning it the nickname “Hiroshima” among naval sailors and officers. On July 4, 1961 under the command of Captain Nikolai Vladimirovich Zateyev, K-19 developed a major leak in her reactor coolant system causing the reactor temperature to rise to a very dangerous 800 deg. Celsius. Due to poor design and failure to have a backup cooling system installed, Captain Zateyev had no choice but to order a team of seven engineering officers in crew to undertake a repair despite the lethal rates of radiation exposure.

The repair crew was successful in stopping the leak however all seven were dead within a week. The incident contaminated the entire boat and within a few years twenty more crew members were dead attributed to the incident at sea.

The Soviet Navy made extensive repairs to boat and it later returned to service. It did, however, continue to experience horrible accidents including an at-sea collision in 1969 and a fire in 1972 killing 28 sailors. It was finally decommissioned in 1991.

The movie “K-19: The Widowmaker” starring Harrison Ford and Liam Neeson is loosely based on the nuclear accident on the K-19.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Manny Acta Being Fired by the Washington Nationals.

Blaming a manager for the woeful performance of the Washington Nationals is like shooting out all your light bulbs to make the sun go down. How do you expect anybody to manage anything with no pitching and an opening day lineup consisting of Daniel Cabrera, Elijah Dukes, Adam Dunn, Jesus Flores, Cristian Guzman, Anderson Hernandez, Nick Johnson, Lastings Milledge, and Ryan Zimmerman? Sure, Jim Riggleman wriggled more wins out of this roster, but this team still hasn’t cracked the 70-win mark, unless they win three of their last five in 2010.

#2) Chernobyl

On April 26, 1986 a nuclear accident occurred on the Number 4 reactor at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in Ukraine. Workers at the plant were planning a test to determine how long turbines would spin and supply power to the main circulating pumps following a loss of main electrical power. Due to another regional power station going offline, the test was delayed and as a result, the test was conducted over the night shift where the workers had not been trained on the test procedure. Several subsequent errors, including a decision to disable automatic shutdown mechanisms, led to an unstable reactor configuration with nearly all of the control rods removed.

The reactor SCRAMed (rapid insertion of all control rods) but a flaw in the design of the control rods actually caused the reaction rate in the lower half of the core to increase. At this point, a massive power spike occurred and the core overheated. The precise subsequent course of events was not registered by instruments; it is known only as a result of a mathematical simulation. What is known is that there was a large steam buildup in the core that eventually exploded releasing tons of radioactive steam and fission products into the air. Radiation levels in the vicinity of the reactor core after the explosion were 30,000 times the lethal limit.

One person was killed immediately and his body was never found. Another died that same day as a result of injuries received during the explosion. Acute radiation sickness was originally diagnosed in 237 people on-site and involved with the clean-up and it was later confirmed in 134 cases. Of these 28 people died within weeks of the accident, six of whom were firefighters tasked with attending the fires on the roof of the turbine building. Nineteen more subsequently died between 1987 and 2004. Nobody off-site suffered from acute radiation effects, although a large proportion of childhood thyroid cancers diagnosed since the accident is likely to be due to intake of radioactive iodine fallout. Subsequent studies in the Ukraine, Russia, and Belarus estimate over 1 million people were affected by radiation from Chernobyl, however the extent of its effects may never be truly known.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Any coach who was fired by the Detroit Lions during the Matt Millen years.

Can you think of a bigger sports meltdown than the Lions?  Millen was President and CEO of the Detroit Lions from 2000 until 2008, an era that saw the worst eight-year record in the history of the modern NFL (31-97). The coashes under Millen (Gary Moeller, Marty Mornhinweg, Steve Mariucci, Dick Jauron, and Rod Marinelli) might as well have been the firefighters at Chernobyl.

#1) Hiroshima and Nagasaki

The atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan at the end of World War II have been the only time in history such weapons have been used on people. The justification for the bombings has been hotly debated since, but no doubt the memory of their destruction has been a large reason why they have been not used since.

On August 6, 1945 the uranium bomb, “Little Boy”, was dropped on Hiroshima killing 70,000-80,000 people immediately. Three days later, the plutonium bomb, “Fat Man”, was dropped on Nagasaki killing an estimated 40,000-75,000 instantly. Those that survived the initial blasts were then subject to severe radiation and thermal burns, radiation sickness and related diseases all aggravated by the lack of medical resources. It is estimated that another 200,000 people had died by 1950 as a result of health effects of the bombings.

Surviving victims of the bombings are known as hibakusha, a Japanese word that literally translates to “explosion-affected people.” As of March 31, 2009 235,569 hibakusha were recognized by the Japanese government. The government of Japan recognizes about 1% of these as having illnesses caused by radiation.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Lou Holtz Running Out on the New York Jets.

If there was anybody that needed to be bombed in order to save lives, it was Lou Holtz’ NFL career. Every NFL general manager should be forced to print that picture and place it in a prominent space as a constant reminder of the danger of hiring college coaches. Every once in a while you get lucky with a Jimmy Johnson, but odds are you get another Pete Carroll, Steve Spurrier, Nick Saban, Bobby Petrino, Barry Switzer, Dennis Erickson, Butch Davis, or Lou Holtz; who mere months after signing a five-year contract quit with three games left in the season, leaving the Jets to finishe 3-13.

Stephen Strasburg Is Just The Latest In A Long Line

How many times have we seen this movie? A young phenom pitcher bursts onto the scene, electrifies the league with his electric stuff, then a fuse blows. Enter Stephen Strasburg, whose sheer voltage somehow managed to make the Washington Nationals relevant if for even the briefest of moments.

Don’t get me wrong; the probability that he needs the “Tommy John” ligament replacement surgery in his pitching elbow likely isn’t the end for Strasburg as we live in an era of medical technology that can put the spark back in any arm. Even Jamie Moyer has a legitimate chance to pitch again after doctors fix his 47-year old elbow.  So, when you stop to consider what may be possible in a young, healthy specimen such as Strasburg, he will be back on a major league mound in 2012. And while the odds are in his favor, there is still a chance he joins a long list of bright lights that went dim far too soon.

Perhaps it is that man is not meant to throw baseballs at 100 miles per hour; throwing a baseball overhand is the most unnatural act in sports. This is why every pitcher lives with arm pain and spends great periods of their lives with their elbows immersed in ice. But the ones who do it better than the rest are such a joy to watch, which is why they risk the pain and injury. In other words, that which made Strasburg so great is exactly what put him at risk.

But this is certainly not a new story. In fact, Sports Illustrated put together a nice list of examples throughout history.

11) Smoky Joe Wood

Wood reached the majors at age 18 in 1908 and by 1911 he was one of the best pitchers in the AL, going 23-17 with a 2.02 ERA that season for the Boston Red Sox. He was even better in 1912, with 34 wins, a 1.91 ERA and 10 shutouts. But he pitched 619 2/3 innings in those seasons and though he was still good — he finished with a 2.03 career ERA — he only pitched 434 2/3 innings the rest of his career. Eventually, injuries forced him from the mound for good. He pitched in just three more games after 1915 and finished his career as a position player, batting .297 for the Indians in 1922.

10) Herb Score

Score burst onto the scene as a 21-year-old rookie with the Cleveland Indians in 1955, winning 16 games and leading the AL with 245 strikeouts. He won 20 the next year with 263 K’s, but his career was forever altered when he was struck in the face by a Gil McDougald line drive in May 1957. Arm injuries soon followed. He won just 19 games the rest of his career and never made more than 25 starts in a season and only once did he top 80 strikeouts before his career ended in 1962.

9) Karl Spooner

At 23, Spooner was called up to the Brooklyn Dodgers at the end of the 1954 season and pitched two games, both shutouts, in which he struck out 27 batters and walked just six. The next year he went a respectable 8-6 with a 3.65 ERA but hurt his arm and never pitched in the majors again, bouncing around the minors for three years before retiring at age 27.

8 ) Jim Bouton

Bouton had won 46 games, had a 3.03 career ERA, made an All-Star team and helped the Yankees win three pennants by age 25. By 31, he had won just 15 more games and his career was over, due to a series of arm injuries. He became most famous for his tell-all book Ball Four about life in a major league clubhouse. He briefly returned to the majors in 1978, pitching five games for the Braves and winning one before retiring for good.

7) Denny McLain

In 1968, won 31 games for the Tigers, becoming the last pitcher to win 30 in a single season, but it took him 336 innings to do so. He won the AL Cy Young award that year, and again the next, when he went 24-9 and pitched 325 innings, but his arm started hurting and he was never the same. He won just 17 more games and grabbed more headlines for his exploits off the field (including a three-month suspension in 1970) than for anything he did on it. Repeated arm injuries helped end his career in 1972 at age 28.

6) Gary Nolan

Nolan debuted for the Reds at 18 in 1967 and became a sensation, striking out 206 batters as a rookie and finishing 14-8 with a 2.58 ERA. He pitched well through 1972, winning 15 games, posting a 1.99 ERA and making his only All-Star team. But he got hurt the next year and pitched just two games in 1973 and none in ’74. Though he posted back-to-back 15-win campaigns in 1975 and ’76 to help the Reds win two World Series, he got hurt again and was forced to retire at age 29 in 1977.

5) Mark Fidrych

Fidrych was the biggest story in baseball during the 1976 regular season. The Tigers’ rookie drew as much attention for his antics on the mound, which included smoothing out the mound and talking to himself, as his league-best 2.34 ERA, 24 complete games and Rookie of the Year honors. But Fidrych’s arm was never the same after he pitched 250 1/3 innings that year. He pitched just 162 games the rest of his career, retiring in 1980 at age 26.

4) Don Gullet

Gullett was a fixture in the rotation for the Big Red Machine of the 1970s, posting double-digit wins five times by 1976, when he was 25 years old. He won 14 more for the Yankees in 1977 but pitched only eight games in 1978 due to arm trouble. He missed both the 1979 and1980 seasons with rotator cuff and shoulder injuries and never pitched in the majors again.

3) J.R. Richard

Richard was an unremarkable pitcher for the first five seasons he spent in the majors, but in 1976, at age 26, he exploded for 20 wins and 214 strikeouts for the Astros. He won 18 each of the next three years, posting 214, 303 and 313 K’s. Richard was an NL All-Star in 1980 but just a week after pitching in the All-Star Game he left the mound with what he thought was a dead arm. Two weeks later he suffered a major stroke and despite several comeback attempts never pitched in the majors again.

2) Steve Avery

The Hall of Fame trio of Tom Glavine, John Smoltz and Greg Maddux gets most of the credit for the Braves’ run of success in the 1990s, but the best pitcher on their early World Series teams was Steve Avery. At 21 in 1991, he won 18 games and was named NLCS MVP. He won 18 games again in 1993 and made the All-Star team but his arm began hurting shortly thereafter. He never again posted an ERA under 4.00, won as many as 10 games just once and retired after the 2003 season.

1) Mark Prior

The No. 2 overall pick in the 2001 draft, Prior showed great promise as a 21-year-old rookie for the Cubs in 2002, going 6-6 with a 3.32 ERA. He was terrific the next season, posting an 18-6 mark to go along with a 2.43 ERA and 245 strikeouts, making the NL All-Star team and finishing third in the Cy Young voting. But his innings had jumped by more than 100 (including postseason play) and his arm and shoulder started to break down. He made 21 starts in 2004, 27 in 2005 and just nine in 2006, pitching his last major league game that August at age 25.

There are all sorts of things that can go wrong besides an elbow, but as long as the problems are strictly mechanical, there is no reason to believe to Strasburg won’t be again dealing fire in 12 to 18 months. The list of pitchers who have successfully undergone this surgery only to return “good as new” is far too long to suggest otherwise. Granted, there is the aforementioned risk, but look at the odds. I googled “Tommy John Surgery” and was avalanched in hits; A.J. Burnett, Chris Carpenter, Ryan Dempster, Tim Hudson, Francisco Liriano, Billy Wagner, and the late Nick Adenhart just for openers. Even Strasburg’s announcement came on the same day Jordan Zimmermann, another young Nationals’ pitcher, made his return from the procedure. Just this past week, Cleveland’s top pitching prospect Hector Rondon (just 22 years old like Strasburg) had the surgery.

Fear not Nationals’ fans, the light known as Stephen Strasburg will shine again.

Sport or Not, We Love a Good Drinking Game

Mr. DawgShark, whoever you are out there on the interwebz, today, binge drinkers everywhere must salute you. Drinking games are what America great, and you have raised the bar for all of us with the invention of Shark Week, The Drinking Game.

Normally, what you will see on my television is sports, sports, and…Did I mention sports? That is until you realize that the future Mrs. Dubsism is a shark geek and we have yet to add the second television to the Future Cave of Marital Bliss. But now, I can enjoy what to me is little more than big, hungry fish secure in the knowledge that later I will be drunk enough to stomach that Nationals at Dodgers game on the DVR.

This is why I implore all of you to follow the link, get the rules, and find out if it is safe to go back into the bottle.

The Baseball Trading Deadline – The Shark Week Edition

Whether it’s stocks, fantasy baseball, or the real thing, trading can be a dangerous proposition. There’s no guarantee that the deal will work; only time will tell whether your investment pays off or whether you get to sell you blood to make the rent this month.

But, one thing that is certain; where there’s trading there’s bleeding, and nothing draws the sharks like blood in the water. Since we here at Dubsism are at the same time not willing to wait for two years to see who the bleeders are and stuck in the middle of the Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week,” we’ve decided to give the rating of winners and losers a bit of a  Swim With The Sharks twist.

Great White Shark: The Texas Rangers

The Los Angeles Angels, pictured here as a seal, seem destined to give up their grip on the AL West.

Clearly, The Texas Rangers are going to need a bigger boat. Rangers’ General manager Jon Daniels played the role of Chief Brody to a tee. Not only did Daniels figure out he’s got a team ready to reel in winning now, he set sail to bag the fish he needed to make this team complete. The Rangers have been playing fur seal to the Angels’ Great White for nearly a decade now, but the additions of of ace Cliff Lee, catcher Bengie Molina, infielder Cristian Guzman, and slugger Jorge Cantu make a frankly scary roster when mixed with the likes of Josh Hamilton, Michael Young, Elvis Andrus and ironically enough Vladimir Guerrero, who was acquired in the off-season from the Angels.

Not only does this make the Ranges likely to seal up the American League West sometime in August, barring an unforeseen collapse, the Rangers become an honest-to-goodness World Series contender. If that weren’t good enough, the Rangers, who are awash in bankruptcy even managed to get the Nationals and the Marlins to toss in cash in their respective deals. Could this finally be the year where a good-looking Ranger team doesn’t get grilled into oblivion in the broiling Texas summer?

Tiger Shark: San Diego Padres

The Padres have spent eons being the bottom feeder of the NL West, so much so they gained a reputation for eating anything that would come their way; they were so desperate a few years ago they were the only team that showed interest in a clearly-finished Mark Prior. However, even a creature that eats everything occasionally gets a gourmet meal. Gaining the services of both  infielder Miguel Tejada and outfielder Ryan Ludwick while not giving away anything useful cement the Padres as a legitimate force come October.

Ludwick’s big bat finally provides some protection for Adrian Gonzalez, while his glove complements a stellar pitching staff. As long as they manage Tejada correctly, meaning they play him at shortstop as long as David Eckstein is on the disabled list. Once Eckstein returns, it will be necessary to platoon him with Jerry Hairston Jr. at shortstop. Otherwise, the Padres run the risk of seeing Tejada’s age and lack of range cost them in the long run.

Bull Shark: New York Yankees

Bull sharks are notorious for conducting the most attacks on humans; the Yankees commit the most atrocities against humanity. The Bronx Bombers were likely the best team in baseball before the trade deadline, however, that didn’t stop them from adding Lance Berkman to shore up the DH slot, Austin Kearns to make them even better against left-handed pitching, and (if he stays healthy) Kerry Wood to add the consistency to the setup role Joba Chamberlain seems completely incapable of doing.

Hammerhead Shark: Philadelphia Phillies

Just looking at a hammerhead, one gets the idea they are completely bereft of the ability to see either forward or backward. With some foresight, they might have seen the combination of Cliff Lee and Roy Halladay could’ve dominated National League lineups. Instead, they must give up a good bullpen guy to get Roy Oswalt.

With some hindsight, they might have seen that Greg Dobbs alone isn’t a good enough insurance policy against injury. In the absence of Ryan Howard, imagine how that line-up would look now had they dealt Jayson Werth for the obligatory bag of magic beans. In other words, they easily could be the bottom-feeder that didn’t find the good meal.

Nurse Shark: Los Angeles Dodgers

Much like a nurse shark is a large fearsome looking creature that actually has the aggression level of Mickey Mouse on valium, the Dodgers looked like a contender until the calendar read August.  Honestly (and I can’t believe I’m saying this), it really isn’t general manager Ned Colletti’s fault for once. Coletti is suffering the Malachi Crunch of being pinned in between the ugly divorce of owing junta Frank and Jamie McCourt and the over-priced, under-performing Manny Ramirez who is rapidly becoming the millstone around the neck of this franchise.

In other words, Colletti is trying to do his job, but he is in a swimming race in a shark tank with a bleeding side of beef chained around his neck. Somehow, he has manged to make deals for effective B-list players like Ted Lilly, Scott Podsednik, Ryan Theriot, and Octavio Dotel; the trouble is this team needed a couple of A-listers to make the difference.

Mako Shark: Minnesota Twins

This is a case of a shark that is the fastest in the sea, and a seriously feared predator. Just look at that thing; I shit my pants just uploading that picture. But the problem is the Mako wastes that fearsome nature chasing Charlie the Tuna. This is the perfect analogy for the Twins; a franchise that can grow some seriously scary talent, yet has no idea how to get full value on a trade.

It was no secret that even though the Twins uber-catching prospect Wilson Ramos was never going to do more at Target Field than sell hot dogs to the “ya, you betcha” Minnesota crowd as long as God in a Mask Joe Mauer is a Twin uniform. Sure it was obvious Ramos was the chum to catalyze any deal, but with high-quality bait you expect a high-quality catch.

To be blunt, Ramos should have got the Twins Miss Universe, but Matt Capps is Miss Iowa. Now don’t misunderstand us here, while Iowa may be an acronym for “Individuals Out Watering Animals,” Miss Iowa is a hottie in her own right. But unless she becomes Miss Universe, she’s a decked-out Cadillac Seville in a world of Rolls-Royce Silver Shadows.  In other words, Capps is a fully-loaded, brand new Cadillac for which the Twins paid $750,000.

Blacktip Reef Shark: Arizona Diamondbacks

Timid and skittish, the blacktip reef shark seldom poses a danger in the National League West. However, teams wading through Arizona do occassionally run the risk of having their legs mistakenly bitten.  However, this timid nature leads some to believe that this shark may be an endangered species when in fact they may have put a screwing to a couple of larger sharks in the Baseball ocean.

Frankly, I’m amazed to hear people who think the Diamondbacks got screwed in the Dan Haren trade. Keep in mind this is a franchise in need of swimming into a gill net and hoping for a better lot in the next life. Just in the deal with Angels alone, they unloaded $30 million in salary while getting four pitchers in return, including Joe Saunders, a not-that-long-ago former All-Star. When you add how they fleeced the White Sux for the perenially shaky Edwin Jackson, the D-backs now boast a farm system stocked with nine of the top 80 picks from last year’s draft.

Remora: San Francisco Giants

Yeah, we know a remora isn’t a shark, but you can’t watch Shark Week without seeing one. If you  aren’t familiar, a remora is one of those little fish that just hangs around, cleaning up whatever bits the big sharks leave behind. Lots of other sharks had a major feeding, and the Giants got a few nice bits in relievers Ramon Ramirez and Javier Lopez. Plus, the bit of “addition by subtraction” that happened by shipping Bengie Molina to Texas, thus opening the way Buster Posey to look like a right-handed coming of God In a Mask Joe Mauer could easily move the Giants up the food chain.

The Chum Bucket:

"Yeah, I'd like to see you come down here and spoon out some of this slop..."

Just as you would expect, this would a a mish-mash of the assorted pieces left over from those who really didn’t figure out what the trade game is all about. For example, the Los Angeles Angels did net a nice catch in Dan Haren, but this team really needed a big bat at a corner infield position/designated hitter position (Adam Dunn, anyone?). When you combine that with the price of the Haren deal, it’s pretty hard to say  the Halos helped themselves for the long term. Another team that needed offensive firepower and didn’t get it were the White Sux. Not only they not get Adam Dunn, Lance Berkman shot down the Sux with his no-trade clause. They still can make this worse by engineering one of those Kenny Williams “waiver wire” specials by grabbing Manny Ramirez. Plus, Ken Griffey, Jr. is still out there – oh wait, Williams has already made that mistake before.

Then there’s the teams who added nothing. The Cincinnati Reds find themselves in a neck-in-neck race with the Cardinals, but just couldn’t get that extra horse they need. Roy Oswalt cost too much, Dan Haren pulled out the no-trade clause, and they came up empty looking for bullpen help. In the end, they are pinning their hopes on a couple of senior citizens they have stashed in Triple-A Louisville, Russ Springer and Jason Isringhausen (yeah, I can’t believe they are still alive either!)  But at least the Cardinals’ swim in the shark tank came out as a net zero. Sure, Jake Westbrook helps the rotation, but giving up Ryan Ludwick when the Cards were already offensively challenged… this team better plan on winning a lot of 2-1 games. The Mets literally did nothing, Jarrod Saltalamacchia likely can’t replace the injured Kevin Youkilis (except as a Scrabble word) for the Red Sox, much like Jhonny Peralta won’t come close to replacing Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen for the increasingly toothless Tigers.

The Idiot Who Gets Bitten Because He’s an Idiot:

Again, this is something that no Shark Week would be complete without. You’ve all seen this guy, usually a fisherman who while trying to retrieve a 40-cent hook somehow forgets that even small sharks have mouths full of razor-sharp teeth that make an exceptionally efficient finger-removal tool.  Welcome to the world of the Houston Astros, a team that actually gave the Yankees, a.k.a. the richest team in baseball $4 million to put Lance Berkman in pinstripes.

But worry not sports and shark fans; while Shark Week is just a week, there still the waiver wire deals for which August is notorious. In fact, I hear Adam Dunn may still be available…