Tag Archives: Virginia Tech

Trash-Talking the 2011 Top 25

Because we are into the greatest 12 weekends of the year, it is also time to remind some people of just who they are. In other words, we are taking the pre-season Dubsism Top 25 and reminding them that they suck. Let’s be honest, a big part of college football is trash-talking. This is exactly why I intend to go through the Top 25 and say awful things about every team and state involved.

1) Alabama

It has to pretty obvious when even Auburn fans get it.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Bear Bryant is dead, and it is high time you assholes quit running around in those houndstooth hats.

More importantly, with all the schools now getting caught for (insert NCAA violation here) it really just has to be a matter of time before Alabama gets caught (again).  It’s been a program so dirty Mike Rowe should be investigating it.

2) Oklahoma

If the world of college football were a bunch of children, Oklahoma would be the one you tell its OK to take candy from strangers. There really is nothing quite like the crap OU fans will put you through as they are reminding you what a storied program the Sooners are. Of course, they generally have to do this after Oklahoma’s most recent choke-job against (insert lousy Big 12 doormat here or crushing bowl game loss here).

3)  Oregon

Ten years ago, you didn’t need to pay attention to this team and its seizure-inducing uniforms.  Now, since they’ve made it a point to recruit every Los Angeles street thug even USC won’t touch, we have to hear about them every year. Thankfully, now they’ve scheduled a real game in September, so hopefully we won’t need to hear about how great they are just because they can handle Washington State. Seriously, if you are going to pay to illegally obtain recruiting film, do it so you can beat somebody worthwhile.

4) Wisconsin

As long as the state of Wisconsin exists, R.J. Reynolds will never go broke since they own Kraft Foods, Miller Beer and Marlboro cigarettes, which happen to be the three dietary staples in America’s Dairyland.

Honestly, Wisconsin is like Penn State and the SEC had an illegitimate child. Joe Paterno himself couldn’t construct a better offense based on gargantuan, sausage-fed offensive lineman and a bruising running back who eats contact like candy. Then, their is the Wiscy-level of drinking, which easily can put even the most moonshine-riddled southern peckerwood to shame.

5)  LSU

LSUcks. I mean, they’ve won two titles in the last decade, but neither should count. The first was just Nick SabaNazi splitting the love with Petey Cheaty TrojanFace and the second was beating arguably the most over-rated (and by “over-rated” I also mean “terrible,” and by that I mean “Ohio State”) teams ever allowed in a BCS Title game. Not to mention Les Miles is a complete mental case.

6) Nebraska

What ever happened to Lawrence Philips?

Where do I start? First of all, there is the fact that finally this team is in a real conference, which means they get to go somewhere more interesting than the land of endless Kansas they’ve been imprisoned in for decades. Nothing can improve your situation more than never having to go to Kansas ever again.

Plus I still think  Big Tweleveten should have deferred Nebraska’s admittance until they specifically defined what a “Cornhusker” really is. I’ve been told it is just a guy who beats off in a cornfield a lot, and I just don’t think that is appropriate.  Not to mention it totally changes my view of “popcorn.”

Oh, and Tom Osborne molests collies.

7) Florida State

What can you say about an institution that makes the University of Florida look good? Florida State is the “strip mall” of universities, and it is exactly that level of non-sophistication which makes it perfect for Tallahassee, which is actually the capital city of Lower Alabamida.

8 ) Boise State

I’m so tired of this team. They’ve been playing this “David” bit against everybody else’s Goliath, and I’m totally over it. This is a team that has been living off that Fiesta Bowl win over Oklahoma a few years back, and they haven’t won anything meaningful since.  Join a real conference and play a real schedule, otherwise you are just a western Notre Dame.

9) Stanford

How can anybody have any respect for a school which is supposed to be full of the uber-smart, yet it can’t even figure out its own mascot.  The nickname is the Cardinal, not the bird or the pope-in-training, but the color.  Somehow, this color is represented by an ass-eating tree.  No wonder I weep for the future of this country.

10) Oklahoma State

You almost want to feel sorry for Oklahoma State…almost. The only people who go to Oklahoma State are the ones who couldn’t get into Oklahoma. That’ s gotta hurt all by itself; it’s like going to Costco because you couldn’t even get a membership at Sam’s Club. Worse yet, imagine having to deal with that kind of rejection while living in Stillwater. Even people in Tulsa think  Stillwater sucks.

Oklahoma State fans think somehow the success of their basketball team means anything to football fans. Their chants at football games are generally some unintelligent ramblings about the other teams love for male genitalia.  Of course, the hoards of douchebag fans which inhabit Stillwater have nothing but time to be so creative as the average OSU female tends to prefer female genitalia. This is why it is metaphysical certitude one of them will start carving up hookers and dumping them under T. Boone Pickens Stadium.

11) South Carolina

How is this not South Carolina's mascot?

Gamecocks… What else do I need to say? The jokes write themselves. Feel free to contribute your own.

12) Texas A&M

Legend has it that the “A&M” in Texas A&M used to stand for “All-Male.”  We’ve also noticed the” aTm” on the Aggies helmets represents a particularly nasty acronym, and I don’t mean “at the moment.”   I’m just sayin’…

13) Virginia Tech

Virginia Tech football is so boring, occasionally they will provide somebody who will shoot you in the head.

It used to be that Virginia Tech was the poster child for over-rated, waste-of-time East Coast football. Then Virginia Tech and Miami joined the ACC supposedly forming a superconference. That idea got so screwed up I’m surprised Barack Obama wasn’t involved in it.  But since they are on the East Coast this team for some  reason is always a “dark horse” national title contender. Tech is good for 10 painfully boring wins and an equally boring bowl victory. Honestly, watching a Virginia Tech game is like watching ice melt, except not as exciting.

14) Arkansas

There’s being a fan; then there’s going too far. Somehow you just know this is less about “supporting the team” and more about greasing the railsl for a serious discussion with the family about Daddy’s transvestism.

15) TCU

TCU sucks, which is likely more than you say about these girls.

Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet.  All this really accomplishes is to see which Christian Texas asshole school gets to lay claim to cookware. Big deal. What should really play happen is BYU should play Notre Dame every year so we can see which Christian asshole school won’t be a BCS buster.

16) USC

To see the source of this picture, look up "smarmy assloaf" in your dictionary.

From Merriam-Websters:

scha·den·freu·de

  • noun, often capitalized \ˈshä-dən-ˌfrȯi-də\
  • Definition of SCHADENFREUDE: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others
  • Origin of SCHADENFREUDE: German, from Schaden “damage” + Freude “joy”
  • First Known Use: 1895

I’m going to enjoy this so much…words can’t describe how much I hate Lane Kiffin. He’s college football’s equivalent to that kid at your office who only has the job because he’s somebody nephew or frat brother or some other connection which has absolutely nothing to do with his crushing incompetence.  I can’t even begin to describe how fun it is going to be watching this pompous pseudo-fruit hurtle over the NCAA cliff.  I hope the they find out all the crap he did at Tennessee, then I hope they find more stuff he did at USC, then I hope they ban him from the game.

That won’t happen, but it would be fun to see Kiffin’s slime trail return USC to the Paul Hackett era, when the Trojans couldn’t beat TCU in the Sun Bowl.  God, what a sweet time that was.

17) Ohio State

I should leave this section blank, because I was really raised to believe that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. But if I were to do that, then this whole article would be blank. What else can you say about Ohio, a state where the rivers catch fire and sodomizing a relative is considered a proper form of greeting? Seriously, Ohio is the reason why “To Catch A Predator” exists; 8 Saturdays a year 100,000 Buckeyes cram themselves into Ohio Stadium, which is the anus of the Big Ten. The best thing I can say about Ohio is somehow it manages to let those hillbilly dipshits from the SEC have self-esteem.

18) Michigan State

Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the Big Twelevten teams who aren’t Wisconsin, Ohio State, or Penn State.  They all really do the same thing. They become bowl-eligible, and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Mississippi State “We Both Humped Our Sisters, But Our Accents Are Weirder” Bowl.  What makes Michigan State different is their coach who enjoys having heart-attacks after game winning field goals.

19) Auburn

Auburn has a long tradition of hiring mouth-breathers as coaches. There was the runt of the Bowden litter, then there was “Dumbo” Tuberville, and now there’s Gene Chizik. Chizik is an over-hyped bag of guts, which is perfect for a school full of frauds, closet racists, and over-inflated egos. Honestly, all that separates Auburn from being a southern-fried Notre Dame is the dark and barbarous Catholic Church.

20) Mississippi State

If you can’t play football, at least give us slutty, naked cheerleaders. This marks Mississippi State’s first measure of relevance in nearly a century.

21) Missouri

Don’t be mislead by the production, this isn’t a book, it’s a pamphlet. You can’t fill a whole book with “Be ranked until you play Oklahoma.”

22) Georgia

There’s a reason why they call it “UGAy.” Seriously, it doesn’t take much to figure out all those good, ol’ boys at Sanford Stadium secretly bat for the other team. After all, it was a dead give away when we noticed they love to wind down after their annual “Queer Beating” by doing the world’s biggest “elephant walk.” At least they aren’t playing “soggy biscuit” anymore…I think.  Not to mention “Deliverance” was set in Georgia. I wonder if Georgia football makes Ned Beatty clinch up just a  little.

23) Florida

If your bedroom looks like this, you will never have sex.

Gainesville represents the epicenter of culture in Florida, which means they have log sculptures of Tim Tebow and they change the urinal cakes at the stadium once a season.

24) Penn State

There is a rule out that says you can’t say anything bad about Joe Paterno, because he is the dean of college football. He is 643 years old, which is why he doesn’t seem to have the sense of urgency needed to beat a bunch of nipple-gummers like Iowa or Ohio State. The last time he had a sense of urgency was when he ran off the field to take a dump a few years ago.  It matters little as he will win more Big Tweleveten titles, even if it means we see a robotic JoePa patrolling the sidelines of State College.

25) Arizona State

These two tongue-lappers are a perfect representation of Arizona State. First, since they know they have been passed by Mississippi State on the slutty cheerleader scale, they get desperate for attention. This is the only reason girls like this make out with each other; so you’ll see past their sluttiness because they know every straight guy in America has that “two chicks” fantasy. The problem is they rarely will go all the way, much like Sun Devil football hasn’t seen a Rose Bowl since Jake “the Snake” Plummer.

Is Texas A&M Getting Ready To Leave It’s Wife For The “Hot Chick?”

This blog really has its genesis in my response to a post over at TheSportsKraze (he’s done a great job with that blog, and you should read it…after you are done reading Dubsism, of course).  His premise is that Texas A&M was “rejected” by the SEC, and as much as I like his work, I couldn’t disagree with him more.

It was a done deal. The SEC vote was simply a formality. Texas A&M was ready to leave the mighty Big 12, get out from the shadow of the Longhorns, and head to the best football conference in America. Think again.

A&M got rejected. And for the time being, the Aggies program as a whole must be embarrassed by recent events. I am not sure if any of you have seen the movie “She’s Out of My League.” But this recent chain of events is reminiscent of a scene in that movie. During the movie, the protagonist is on an airplane with his family. Realizing that he no longer wants to go on the family vacation and wants to go after his old (very hot) girl, he lets his family have it. He scolds them in front of all the passengers on the airplane. After the dramatic speech, he gets up to leave; only he can’t leave. The plane is ready for takeoff.  So the protagonist puts his head down and sits down right next to his family that he just reamed.

A&M didn’t get rejected; this relationship is going to be consummated at some point. To understand why, let’s flip TheSportsKraze’s model; let’s make Texas A&M the “hot chick” being pursued by the SEC.

Make no mistake; Texas A&M is undeniably a “hot chick” in the eyes of the SEC. Make no mistake again, all this recent conference re-alignment is about TV markets. The Big Ten has its own network, the SEC has its own network, and schools are all looking for the Big 12’s emergency exits because Texas is getting their own. Getting your network carried on the cable/satellite providers in a major market is bigger than JaMarcus Russell’s plate at Golden Corral, and the fact that A&M would bring a presence in two Top-10 TV markets (DallasFort Worth, 5th and Houston, 10th) gives the SEC folks a hard-on you could cut diamonds with.

Just look at a map while keeping conference alignments in mind. The Pac-10 grabbed Denver and Salt Lake City.  Admittedly, those may not be the biggest markets (18th and 33rd respectively), but they are the two best available options which make geographic sense for the conference.  The Big East now has a presence in Dallas/Fort Worth, and the fact that others are looking to get their tentacles into Texas is precisely why the members of the Big 12 who aren’t Texas are getting a wandering eye.

Look at that map again, this time focusing on Big 12 territory. Look at how many major TV markets there are outside of Texas…now that Denver is a Pac-10 market, the only other “major” market left is Kansas City (#31st).

This is exactly why Nebraska jumped quick to the Big Ten…they are a “money program” without a major market and they knew their value plummets if they are in a conference that is merely the Big 12′s leftovers.  Once one of the major markets (Denver) left, the Big 12 became a slow-mo version of Musical Chairs; Texas has its own chair and the scramble is on for everybody else.

This is also why the SEC would love to get schools from one of two other “target states,” Virginia or North Carolina; in other words, states which would offer the exposure to a major TV market where they currently do not have a presence. Of course, if that were to happen, that would mean a major change to the ACC, which in turn would start another cascade of conference-jumping.

But much like the above picture of the Texas A&M girls, the SEC is having that “two hot chicks” fantasy. There is a very practical reason for this; an odd-number of teams makes scheduling virtually impossible. This is why breaking the ice will take two; A&M needs a partner to fulfill the SEC’s three-way desires. So, let’s look at the other “hot chicks” the SEC is eyeing.

1) Virginia Tech

Upside: VT offers the 9th largest TV market (Washington D.C.), makes geographic sense, and brings a perennial Top-25 football program to the table.

Downside: May actually lower the SEC’s “redneck” factor (if that’s even possible).

2) North Carolina

Upside: Comes with the 24th (Charlotte) and 27th (Raleigh-Durham) largest TV markets, makes even more geographic sense than VT, and they are already used to being investigated.

Downside: SEC basketball programs would have another team to worry about besides Kentucky.

3) Missouri

Upside: This is another school which would bring two TV markets (St. Louis #21, and Kansas City #31), there would be less entanglement to queer the deal (unlike the ACC schools; the Big 12 is already imploding), and the ever-present “makes geographic sense.”

Downside: Missouri isn’t exactly a “big-time” program in anything.

4) Oklahoma

Upside: Oklahoma is a storied program in football, does basketball well, and has an athletic department plumbed with hot and cold running money.

Downside: Doesn’t bring a Top-40 TV market with it.

5) Duke

Upside: Like North Carolina, Duke would bring the same TV markets and a basketball power, plus, somebody’s gotta worry about grade point averages, right?

Downside: Duke sucks in football, and SEC fans like Mississippi State as their pigskin “whipping boy.”

Whenever there is a pursuit of “hot chicks,” there’s the girls left in the bar at closing time. In this case, those would be Clemson, Georgia Tech, Florida State, and Miami. The SEC might pick one these if it must, but they don’t offer anything since they are all in states in which the SEC is well-established; therefore there is no growth potential for the SEC TV network.

However it shakes out remains to be seen, but make no mistake, what happened this past week was not a rejection. The detail that is delaying this consumation is the SEC is in the midst of a “two chicks” fantasy, and as hot as Texas A&M is, she’s still only one.

The Dubsism 2010-2011 College Football Bowl Matchups: How Wrong Our Predictions Were

Bowl Championship Series:

BCS Championship:

  • Monday, January 10th; Glendale, Arizona;  University of Phoenix Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: #1 vs. #2
  • The Prediction: Alabama (SEC #1) vs. Ohio State (Big Ten #1)
  • The Actual Matchup: 1# Auburn (SEC#1) vs. Oregon (PAC-10 #1)
  • Payout: $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

First, the canned commentary:

This is the matchup that nearly everyone in the country wanted to see, and they’re getting their wish. Both teams will be putting their perfect records on the line in this matchup. Cam Newton—the nation’s top ranked passer and 15th best rusher—appears to be a lock for the Heisman trophy and will be leading the charge for Auburn.

LaMichael James—leads the nation in rushing—is another Heisman hopeful, who will be paired in the backfield with Oregon’s Darron Thomas. Thomas—who took over for Jeremiah Masoli at quarterback—has led the Ducks and their spread-option offense to one blowout win over another.

Expect nothing short of a shootout as both squads feature high-powered offenses that will be making multiple trips into the end zone on game day.

Now, the real commentary:

Auburn will win this game, and two years from now Oregon will be the BCS Champion when the Cam Newton thing finally hits resolution and Auburn has the title stripped.

Fiesta Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Glendale, Arizona;  University of Phoenix Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big 12 Champion/BCS vs. BCS At-Large
  • The Prediction: Texas (Big 12 #1) vs. Boise State (WAC #1)
  • The Actual Matchup: Oklahoma (Big 12 #1) vs. Connecticut (Big East #1)
  • Payout: $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

It might be more interesting to talk about the prediction that the actual matchup here. I don’t think we have ever picked at team to be in the BCS that didn’t even crack the 6-win bar of bowl eligibility.  Meanwhile, Boise State could have easily been in this game for the want of two lousy field goals. Instead, we get this complete and total mismatch.  Connecticut will be overmatched on nearly all fronts, and this should be a blowout win for Oklahoma.

But, how sweet would it be should the Sooners blow yet another bowl game?

Rose Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Pasadena, California; Rose Bowl
  • Matchup: Big Ten Champion/BCS vs. Pac-10 Champion/BCS
  • The Prediction: *Penn State (Big Ten #2) vs. Oregon (Pac-10 #1) * Penn State replaces the Big Ten Champion (Ohio State) which will be in BCS Championship
  • The Actual Matchup: Wisconsin (Big Ten #T-1) vs. TCU (MWC #1)
  • Payout : $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

Wisconsin has scored 70 points three times this season. Wisconsin is going to once and for all end this silly notion that a team that goes undefeated against a schedule full of Roast Beef State and South Southern Oklahoma Vo-Tech can be considered on the same plane with a program that deals with a conference where even the terrible teams are still big-time programs. Face it, if TCU played Purdue 10 times, TCU would lose at least four of those games. Just this year, TCU struggled to beat an Oregon State team that only won five games.

Orange Bowl:

  • Monday, January, 3rd; Miami, Florida; Dolphin Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: ACC Champion/BCS vs. BCS At-Large
  • The Prediction:  Georgia Tech (ACC #1) vs. Connecticut (Big East #1)
  • The Actual Matchup: Virginia Tech (ACC #1) vs. Stanford (Pac-10 #2)
  • Payout: $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

The Hokies usually don't need a shooter; they do it themselves.

Don’t look now, but in the last two seasons, Stanford has produced a Heisman runner-up (Toby Gerhart) and a lead-pipe cinch #1 overall draft pick (Andrew Luck). Couple that couple with the fact the Cardinal have taken on the identity of their pugnacious coach and have become a “smashmouth” team. This new-found toughness-meets-talent combination has Stanford ranked eighth in offense and eleventh in defense. This will prove to be too much for Virginia Tech, who will see an end to their 11-game winning streak.

Sugar Bowl:

  • Tuesday, January 4th; New Orleans, Louisiana; Superdome
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: SEC Champion/BCS vs. BCS At-Large
  • The Prediction: *Florida (SEC #2) vs. Utah (MWC #1) * Florida replaces the SEC Champion (Alabama) which will be in BCS Championship
  • The Actual Matchup: Arkansas (SEC #T-2) vs. Ohio State  (Big Ten #T-1)
  • Payout: $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

There’s one fact that tells this story.  Ohio State has a terrible  history against SEC teams in Bowl games (0-9).  That streak is going to continue.

Other:

Capital One Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Orlando, Florida;  Florida Citrus Bowl Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: SEC #2 vs. Big Ten #2
  • The Prediction: *LSU (SEC #3) vs. *Iowa (Big Ten #3) *LSU and Iowa are in this game as both #1 and #2 from the Big Ten and the SEC will be in the BCS.
  • The Actual Matchup: Alabama (SEC #5) vs. Michigan State (Big Ten T-1)
  • Payout: $4,250,000

The Silly Prediction:

Welcome to the Close, But No Cigar Bowl. The Alabama Crimson Tide are sure to be disappointed after watching their season take an unexpected turn after their second half meltdown against the Auburn Tigers.  Michigan State may not have made it into a BCS Bowl game, but they get the next best thing. The trouble is that Alabama is a fan base with larger expectations, and they will not accept losing to a “lesser” program. Alabama has everything to lose, which is why they will not lose.

Cotton Bowl Classic:

  • Friday, January 7th; Dallas, Texas; Cowboys Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big 12 #2 vs. SEC #3
  • The Prediction: Nebraska (Big 12 #2) vs. Mississippi (SEC #4)
  • The Actual Matchup: Texas A&M (Big 12 #5) vs. LSU (SEC #4)
  • Payout: $3,575,000

The Silly Prediction:

This is where disappointment meets surprise. LSU is disappointed about Arkansas killing their BCS hopes, while Texas A&M is surprised to be playing on New Year’s days rather than Texas. But the Aggies earned it; Texas A&M started the season slow, but they played strong in the second half which included a six-game winning streak. Two of those victories came against opponents ranked in the top 10.  Meanwhile, LSU found itself out of contention for a BCS Bowl game after losing to Arkansas; the Tigers’ offense is seriously inconsistent and quarterback Jordan Jefferson has led that poor play.  The Aggies should carry the day.

Insight Bowl:

  • Tuesday, December 28th; Tempe, Arizona; Sun Devil Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big 12 #4 vs. Big Ten #5
  • The Prediction: Oklahoma State (Big 12 #4) vs. Wisconsin (Big Ten #6)
  • The Actual Matchup: Missouri (Big 12 #4) vs. Iowa (Big Ten #4)
  • Payout: $3,325,000

The Silly Prediction:

Missouri is a pretender, but Iowa dropped their last three games and nearly lost to Indiana before that.  In a battle of the poser against the seemingly out-of-gas, look for Iowa to squeak by on fumes.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 31st; Atlanta, Georgia; Georgia Dome
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: ACC #2 vs. SEC #5
  • The Prediction: Virginia Tech (ACC #2) vs. Georgia (SEC #6)
  • The Actual Matchup: Florida State (ACC #2) vs. South Carolina (SEC #2)
  • Payout: $3,250,000 ACC; $2,400,000 SEC

The Silly Prediction:

Welcome to the Beavis and Butthead Bowl, because you can’t say “Seminoles” and “Cocks” in the same sentence without chuckling like an eighth-grade boy.  Both teams are coming off losses in conference championship games, and they both boast top-notch defenses. However, South Carolina features some potent offensive weapons; Marcus Lattimore will give Florida State a handful on the ground, while Ashlon Jeffrey will do the same through the air. Gamecocks will romp as they have something to prove after the beating they took from Auburn.

Outback Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Tampa, Florida; Raymond James Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big Ten #3 vs. SEC #4
  • The Prediction: Michigan State (Big Ten #4) vs. Auburn (SEC #5)
  • The Actual Matchup: Penn State (Big Ten #5) vs. Florida (SEC #7)
  • Payout $3,100,000

The Silly Prediction:


We’re not sure what to call this one…First of all, we are ignoring the whole “Urban Meyer quits” story. You can thank Brett Favre for that. Don’t forget, Meyer took a powder last year, and yo-yoed right back. If we do address this story it will be at a later date when we really know what is happening.

Now, back to the business as hand. This could be the Generation Gap Bowl, with octogenarian Joe Paterno meeting youngster Urban Meyer. It could be the Bible Bowl, with Moses Paterno and Pope Urban I. Or, it could be the Surprise Bowl, since I don’t think either team saw themselves ending up here back in September. After all, both teams had less than stellar seasons; both winding up at 7-5. The post-Tebow era in Gainesville finds the Gator offense to be ham-handed and failing time and again to find the end zone with any consistency. This means Florida was a surprise inclusion in the Outback Bowl, but they should come into the game with a strong home field advantage as the game is played in their backyard. However, that won’t be enough to beat the man with more bowl victories than anybody else. Penn State wins ugly, if there’s rain or cold weather this game could end 9-7.

Gator Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Jacksonville, Florida; Jacksonville Municipal Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big Ten #4 vs. SEC #6
  • The Prediction: Purdue (Big Ten #5) vs. Tennessee (SEC #7)
  • The Actual Matchup: Michigan (Big Ten #7) vs. Mississippi State (SEC #5)
  • Payout: $2,750,000

Has getting Michigan to a New Year’s Day Bowl game saved Rich Rodriguez’ job? Has getting Mississippi State into a New Year’s Day Bowl game made Dan Mullen a hot property for another job? Only time will tell, but the signs point to Mullen being the guy with the brighter future after this game.

Alamo Bowl:

  • Wednesday, December 29th; San Antonio, Texas, Alamodome
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Pac-10 #2 vs. Big 12 #3
  • The Prediction: *Arizona (Pac-10 #3) vs. Oklahoma (Big 12 #3) *Arizona replaces USC due to USC’s bowl ineligibility
  • The Actual Matchup: Arizona (Pac-10 #5) vs.  Oklahoma State (Big 12 #3)
  • Payout: $2,225,000

The Silly Prediction:

Picture a shootout, OK Corral style between two of the game most exciting quarterbacks. Look for Arizona’s Nick Foles to lead Arizona to 300 passing yards and 30 points, only to be bested by Oklahoma States Brandon Weeden’s 400 yards and 40 points.

Holiday Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 30th, San Diego, California; Qualcomm Stadium
  • Matchup: Pac-10 #3 vs. Big 12 #5
  • The Prediction: California (Pac-10 #4) vs. Missouri (Big 12 #5)
  • The Actual Matchup: Washington (Pac-10 #4) vs.  Nebraska (Big 12 #2)
  • Payout: $2,200,000

The Silly Prediction:

The Rematch Bowl: Nebraska ass-raped the Huskies 56-21 earlier this season. This  outcome won’t be any  different.

Champs Sports Bowl:

  • Tuesday, December 28th, Orlando, Florida;  Florida Citrus Bowl Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big East #2 vs. ACC #3
  • The Prediction: Pittsburgh (Big East #2) vs. Clemson (ACC #3)
  • The Actual Matchup: West Virginia (Big East #2) vs. North Carolina State (ACC #3)
  • Payout: $2,130,000

The Silly Prediction:

Get ready for an old-fashioned shootout between quarterbacks Russell Wilson of NC State and Geno Smith of West Virginia. However, West Virginia has a significant advantage on the defensive side of the ball and will exploit that fact.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 30th; New York City, New York; Yankee Stadium
  • Matchup: Big East #3 vs. Big 12 #7
  • The Prediction: West Virginia (Big East #3) vs. Texas Tech (Big 12 #7)
  • The Actual Matchup: Syracuse (Big East #4) vs. Kansas State (Big 12 #7)
  • Payout: $2,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

The most interesting thing about this game is it that it is yet another example that baseball-only ballparks make horrible football stadiums.  Check out how far away from the field the seats on the 50-yard line are, then think about what some poor slob paid for them in Yankee Stadium. As far as the game goes,  Syracuse’s offense is like watching the slow kid in kindergarten be spellbound by alphabet blocks, and they could get blown out if they can’t find a way to consistently put up points. Meanwhile, the Wildcats have a “Wal-Mart” version of that prototypical “gunslinger” Big 12 offense, led by quarterback Collin Klein and running back Daniel Thomas. K-State rolls in a snoozefest.

Sun Bowl:

  • Friday, December 31st; El Paso, Texas; Sun Bowl
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Pac-10 #4 vs. ACC #4
  • The Prediction: UCLA (Pac-10 #5) vs. Miami, FL (ACC #4)
  • The Actual Matchup: Notre Dame vs. Miami, FL (ACC#4)
  • Payout:  $1,900,000

The Silly Prediction:


Twenty years ago, this could have been a championship game. Now, it’s just a sad reminder of how neither of these programs really have any status anymore. Whoever is Miami’s new coach gets his first win against a Notre Dame team that despite its showing at USC just isn’t that talented.

Liberty Bowl:

  • Friday, December 31st; Memphis, Tennessee; Memorial Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: C-USA #1 vs. SEC #8
  • The Prediction: Houston (C-USA #1) vs. Arkansas (SEC #9)
  • The Actual Matchup: Central Florida (C-USA #1) vs. Georgia (SEC #9)
  • Payout: $1,700,000

The Silly Prediction:

Who do you like? The small program with the well-coached, well-rounded team, or the big program that has better athletes? In this case, we’re taking the jocks, but wouldn’t be surprised to see Central Florida pull off an upset signature win.

Music City Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 30th; Nashville, Tennessee; LP Field
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: ACC #6 vs. SEC #7
  • The Prediction: North Carolina (ACC #6) vs. South Carolina (SEC #7)
  • The Actual Matchup: North Carolina (ACC #6) vs. Tennessee (SEC #7)
  • Payout: $1,600,000

The Silly Prediction:

On the surface, this seems to be a perfect regional match. In fact, North Carolina wanted to schedule a Tennessee home-and-home series, but Volunteers weren’t volunteering, so the bowl selection committee pushed the issue.  North Carolina had the talent to be one of the top-tier teams in the nation, but an agent-tampering scandal cured that.  Despite that, the Tar Heels will be motivated to show what they have on a national stage against a faded-glory-not-quite-yet rebuilt Tennessee squad.

TicketCity Bowl (Dallas Football Classic):

  • Saturday, January 1st; Dallas, Texas, Cotton Bowl
  • Matchup: Big Ten #7 vs. Big-12 #8
  • The Prediction:  Northwestern (Big Ten #6) vs. Baylor (Big 12 #8)
  • The Actual Matchup: Northwestern (Big Ten #8) vs. Texas Tech (Big 12 #8)
  • Payout: #1,200,000

The Silly Prediction:

This match could have been interesting prior to Northwestern quarterback Dan Persa tearing his Achilles.  Now the Wildcat offense is in shambles and their defense could be declared legally dead in 19 states. Texas Tech should have no trouble disposing of Northwestern.

Independence Bowl:

  • Monday, December, 27th; Shreveport, Louisiana; Independence Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MWC #3 vs. ACC #7
  • The Prediction: BYU (MWC#3) vs. Boston College (ACC#7)
  • The Actual Matchup: Air Force (MWC #3) vs. Georgia Tech (ACC #7)
  • Payout: $1,100,000

The Silly Prediction:

The over/under on total forward passes in this game might be as low as 15. Air Force and Georgia Tech both love to run the football, and that’s really all they can do; neither can really stop it. Expect Georgia Tech to run over Air Force as both teams rack up over 300 yards in rushing yards.

Military Bowl:

  • Wednesday, December 29th; Washington, D.C.; RFK Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MAC #3 vs. ACC #8
  • The Prediction: Kent State (MAC #3) vs. *Wyoming (MWC#7) *Wyoming is in this game as the other Traditional/Contractual participant (ACC #8) will not be bowl eligible
  • The Actual Matchup: East Carolina (C-USA #5) vs. Maryland (ACC #4)
  • Payout: $1,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

Today's pirate: Less "Yarrrgh," more "Allah Akbar."

Well, we were right about the ACC having problems getting enough team bowl-eligible to meet its contractual obligations, but we had no idea the usually weak conference would be so putrid that even the teams that made six wins would get no respect. Maryland should handle the ECU Pirates, who really need to upgrade their logo to more accurately reflect a modern pirate.

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl:

  • Wednesday, December 22nd; Las Vegas, Nevada; Sam Boyd Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MWC #1 vs. Pac-10 #5
  • The Prediction: *TCU (MWC #2) vs. Stanford #(Pac-10 #6) *TCU is in this game as MWC#1 (Utah) will be in the BCS.
  • The Actual Matchup: Utah (MWC #2) vs. Boise State (WAC #2)
  • Payout: $1,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

There will be blood. This will not even be close; there will be no talk of field goals deciding things. Remember when Utah faced TCU a few weeks ago? Remember how Utah nearly gagged on it against a  mediocre San Diego State team. All season, Utah posed as a Top 10 contender, but now Boise State is looking to exact some revenge on anybody who gives non-AQ teams a bad name.

Meineke Car Care Bowl:

  • Friday, December 31st; Charlotte, North Carolina; Bank of America Stadium
  • Matchup: ACC #5 vs. Big East #4
  • The Prediction:  Florida State (ACC #5) vs. Cincinnati (Big East #4)
  • The Actual Matchup: Clemson (ACC #8) vs. South Florida  (Big East #5)
  • Payout: $1,000,000

Clemson and South Florida could not be any more evenly matched. They are both pretty mediocre, but at the end of the day, Clemson is slightly less bland. The Tigers will flourish on New Year’s Eve.

Beef O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl:

  • Tuesday, December 21st; St. Petersburg, Florida; Tropicana Field
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big East #6 vs. C-USA #4
  • The Prediction:  Northern Illinois (MAC #4) vs. Central Florida (C-USA #4) *Wyoming is in this game as the other Traditional/Contractual participant (ACC #8) will not be bowl eligible
  • The Actual Matchup: Louisville (Big East #6) vs. Southern Mississippi (C-USA # 3)
  • Payout: $1,000,000

You will be challenged not to bring up your Beef O’Bradys over this match, and for several reasons. First, this is clearly the worst bowl name ever, easily outpacing the Poulan Weedeater Bowl.  It will also feature two teams with contrasting styles that will still find a way to remain crushingly uninteresting.  Southern Mississippi has the 15th highest scoring offense in the nation, while Louisville sports the 11th ranked defense. Despite all that, about 19 people will be watching.

BBVA Compass Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 8th; Birmingham, Alabama; Legion Field
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big East #5 vs. SEC #9
  • The Prediction: Marshall (C-USA #6) vs. Akron (MAC #5) *Marshall and  Akron are in this game as the other Traditional/Contractual participant (Big East #5 and SEC#9) will not be bowl eligible.
  • The Actual Matchup: Pittsburgh (Big East #3) vs. Kentucky (SEC #10)
  • Payout: $900,000 SEC; $600,000 Big East

The Silly Prediction:

Dion Lewis and Ray Graham are top-notch running backs who should put on a show. Other than that, expect a slog-fest with Pittsburgh emerging on top, notching a win for new Panther Head Coach (insert name here).

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 30th; Dallas, Texas; Gerald J. Ford Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: C-USA #3/Army vs. MWC #4
  • The Prediction: Southern Mississippi (C-USA #3) vs. Air Force (MWC #4)
  • The Actual Matchup: Southern Methodist (C-USA #2) vs. Army
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:

While this may not scream “Must Watch TV,” it will provide a dramatic. Following in the Paul Johnson/Navy mold, Army has finally figured out that a service academy can compete by using an option running game. Army will take on SMU’s pro-style “Run and Shoot” offense with its own triple option attack which is ranked ninth nationally. SMU likely has too many athletes for Army to carry the day, but in any event look for an offensive show.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 9th; San Francisco, California; AT&T Park
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: WAC #1 vs. Pac-10 #6
  • The Prediction: *Fresno State (WAC #2)  vs. Oregon State (Pac-10 #7) * Fresno State replaces the WAC Champion (Boise State) which will be in BCS
  • The Actual Matchup: Nevada (WAC #1) vs. Boston College (ACC #7)
  • Payout: $750,000 WAC; $825,000 Pac-10

The Silly Prediction:

Nevada’s Colin Kaepernick runs their “Pistol” offense with near perfection. Together with running back Vai Taua, they form one of the most menacing rushing combos in the nation. This should make for an “irresistible force vs. immovable object” showdown with BC’s stalwart rushing defense. Look for Kaepernick’s passing prowess to make the difference.

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl:

  • Sunday, December 26th; Detroit, Michigan; Ford Field
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MAC #1 vs. Big Ten #9
  • The Prediction: Temple (MAC #1) vs. Tulsa (C-USA #7) *Tulsa is in this game as the other Traditional/Contractual participant (Big Ten #8/9) will not be bowl eligible.
  • The Actual Matchup: Toledo (MAC # 3) vs. Florida International (Sun Belt #3)
  • Payout: $750,000

Perhaps we should call this “Replacement Bowl.” The Pizza people don’t get the MAC champion like they usually do, and they don’t get the usual bad Big Ten team because there just aren’t enough bad Big Ten teams to go around.  Instead, they get two teams that weren’t expected to go to Bowl games. The real question is will friends and family outnumber the scant few die-hard fans in attendance? Oh, and the Rockets carry the day, in case you care.

GoDaddy.Com Bowl:

  • Thursday, January, 6th; Mobile, Alabama; Ladd Peebles Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MAC #2 vs. Sun Belt #2
  • The Prediction: Toledo (MAC #2) vs. Middle Tennessee State (Sun Belt #2)
  • The Actual Matchup: Miami, OH (MAC# 2) vs. Middle Tennessee (Sun Belt #2)
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:

If you were waiting for a Sun Belt vs. MAC clash, count your lucky fucking stars, because this is only the back half of a double-header between these storied leagues. Just about the time your intestinal discomfort has healed from watching the New Orleans Bowl, break out the Sam’s Club size bale of toilet paper and the donut pad, because three and half hours of this WILL cause uncontrollable anal leakage. If you can stomach it, expect the Redhawks of Miami to roll.

Hawaii Bowl:

  • Friday, December 24th; Honolulu, Hawaii; Aloha Stadium
  • Matchup: C-USA #2 vs. WAC #3 or Hawaii
  • The Prediction: East Carolina (C-USA #2) vs. Hawaii (WAC #3)
  • The Actual Matchup: Tulsa (C-USA #2) vs. Hawaii (WAC #3)
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:

Tulsa’s defense has been so unseen it might as well be on a milk carton. Tulsa’s team gets to be in Hawaii rather than Tulsa. Don’t think Tulsa gives a shit about this game. Expect the Fighting Rainbows of Hawaii to roll.

Humanitarian Bowl:

  • Saturday, December, 18th; Boise, Idaho; Bronco Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: WAC #2 vs. MWC #4
  • The Prediction: Idaho (WAC #6) vs. New Mexico (MWC #6)
  • The Actual Matchup: Fresno State (WAC #4) vs. Northern Illinois (MAC #2)
  • Payout: $750,000

First of all, what the fuck we were thinking with New Mexico? Seriously, I have no idea what we might have seen to think this team could win six games, but as long a s Mike Locksley is the head coach, this team couldn’t win a free oil change at Jiffy Lube let alone get to a bowl game.

About this game, it begs the question “How bad is Boise?” Jerry Kill bails on Northern Illinois to head for the frozen wasteland known as Minnesota just so he doesn’t have to go to Boise. What does that tell you? It tells me Kill knows that Fresno State has little chance to stop Chad Spann and the Huskies rushing attack, so why not go get a BCS job, even if it is the sorry-ass Gophers.

New Mexico Bowl:

  • Saturday, December 18th; Albuquerque, New Mexico; Universtiy Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: WAC #3/#4 vs. MWC #5
  • The Prediction:  New Mexico State (WAC #4) vs. San Diego State (MWC #5)
  • The Actual Matchup:  Texas-El Paso (C-USA #8) vs. BYU (MWC #5)
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:

This is a game of two teams going two completely different directions. BYU is playing solid football lately as of late, while UTEP looks like a fraternity team well into its third keg of beer. On top of that, UTEP’s main offensive weapons are both hobbled with injuries, and if they aren’t healthy by bowl time, BYU might have this one salted away by halftime.

Poinsettia Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 23rd; San Diego, California; Qualcomm Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Navy vs. MWC #2/WAC #5  OR MWC #2 vs. WAC #5
  • The Prediction: Navy vs. Nevada (WAC #5)
  • The Actual Matchup: Navy vs. San Diego State (MWC #4)
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:


Navy has a tremendous running game, and San Diego State will lack the athleticism to stop it.  Besides, Navy head coach Kent Niumatolo might just bite the Aztecs in half.

Texas Bowl:

  • Wednesday, December 29th; Houston, Texas; Reliant Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big 12 #6 vs. Big Ten #7
  • The Prediction: Texas A&M (Big 12 #6) vs. Minnesota (Big Ten #8)
  • The Actual Matchup: Baylor (Big 12 #6) vs. Illinois (Big Ten #6)
  • Payout: $612,500

The Silly Prediction:

Problem #1: Illinois does not travel well. Problem #2: Illinois head coach Ron Zook’s job may depend on a win. Problem #3: Baylor will be playing what is essentially a home game. Baylor has been a tough opponent all year and sometime following the latest Illinois disaster, Zook will be fired. Last year, fans and boosters were asking for Zook’s head amidst their fourth losing season in five years, which means this will be the last stand for Zook. When the Illini lose, it is all but over.

New Orleans Bowl:

  • Saturday, December 18th; New Orleans, Louisiana; Superdome
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Sun Belt #1 vs. C-USA #5
  • The Prediction: Troy (Sun Belt #1) vs. Memphis (C-USA #5)
  • The Actual Matchup: Troy (Sun Belt #1) vs. Ohio (MAC #4)
  • Payout: $325,000

The Silly Prediction:

What can you say about a game in which the participants are a 7-5 conference winner (Troy) and a team selected as a replacement because they seem to be more interesting than a middle of the pack Conference USA team? Take Ohio to win, but more importantly, don’t tell anybody you watched this game.

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