Tag Archives: USC

In Honor of Steve Sarkisian’s Hiring at USC, It’s Time To Raid The Dubsism Archives

steve sarkisian a star is born

If you aren’t familiar with the 1954 film classic “A Star Is Born” starring Judy Garland and James Mason, then the jokes here are going to be completely lost on you. But rather than telling you to move along, you may want to consider giving the following movie parody a read, because it was written four years ago and essentially predicts Sarkisian’s rise to the top.  It stars all the same characters; Sarkisian as Esther Blodgett/Vicki Lester, former USC head coach Pete Carroll as Norman Maine, and who could forget the recently departed Ed Orgeron as Matt Libby?

Having said that, here’s the Dubsism version of “A Star Is Born.”

To continue reading, Click Here…

I’m Not Sure Which Part of the Lane Kiffin Firing I Like More

To see the source of this picture, look up "Smarmy Fuckwad" in your dictionary.

To see the source of this picture, look up “Smarmy Fuckwad” in your dictionary.

Well, it seems that you just are not allowed to lose a t USC.  After the Trojans went 4-7 in their last 11, including Saturday night’s seal clubbing at Arizona State in which the Trojans were busted for 62 points,  it was clearly time for head coach Lane Kiffin to get fired.

When I say fired, I don’t mean “Hey, Lane, the athletic director wants to see you in his office 9 a.m. sharp Monday morning.” I mean the story is being reported that USC AD Pat Haden pulled the trigger on Kiffin at 3 a.m. Sunday after the team had returned from the slaughter in Tempe.

There’s so many parts to this story to love, I simply have no idea where to start with them all.

Continue reading →

The Dubscast, Volume 5: “Offensive” Mascots Prove The Hypocrisy of the NCAA

jdub offensive mascots dubscast

Back in 2005, the NCAA declared that Native American mascots were “hostile and abusive” and outlawed them. Eight years later, the fact they are still around may be the perfect example of why the NCAA is the standard by which one measures ineffective and hypocritical organizations. The fact the debate spread beyond that is even more of a damning statement.

In today’s installment of the Dubscast, J-Dub takes a critical look at how the NCAA really isn’t interested in “hostile and abusive” because it clearly makes decision based on other criteria it won’t tell anybody.  It is important to understand this IS NOT a discussion as to whether these mascots are “offensive,” you will need to get past that debate in order to see the bigger picture in play in this issue.

In other words, after checking out this episode of the Dubscast, you will need to decide for yourself why the NCAA either cannot or will not enforce its own rules.

The 2012 Dubsism Pre-Season College Football Rankings

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. There is a rule in the blogosphere that says if you tag more than three posts with “college football,” you are required to do a pre-season ranking. Failure to do so will get your nose flayed and your genitals set on fire.

With that…teams are rated within their conference, and the conferences are ranked in order of overall strength.

Plus, since here at Dubsism we are believers in the yin and yang of things, we felt it necessary not only to do the obligatory Top 25 list, but a comprehensive list as well. Why? Because for every team that should be admired for its prowess, there is one that should be pitied for its ineptitude.

* – denotes bowl ineligible teams (as of this writing)


Frankly, nobody in this group will likely matter in terms of a Top 25, Navy and Notre Dame are the best shots to make bowl games, and even Army has a contactually-obligated shot if they make eligibility. Notre Dame has a brtual schedule, and what talent they do have is being suspended at an alarming pace.

  1. Notre Dame
  2. Navy
  3. Army
  4. Brigham Young
  5. Georgia State

11) WAC

This year, this conference might as well be the “Leftovers Conference.”  By this time next year, the WAC will officially no longer exist. Two years ago, the WAC had a marquee program in Boise State which bolted for the Mountain West Conference, and after last year year,  consistent bowl programs Nevada, Fresno State, and Hawaii, made the same move.  The bottom line is this conference is really irrelevant. This conference will put a couple of teams into a couple low-end bowl games; unless you are a hard-core college football junkie, there’s no real reason to pay attention to this league.

  1. San Jose State
  2. Louisiana Tech
  3. Utah State
  4. Idaho
  5. New Mexico State
  6. Texas-San Antonio
  7. Texas State-San Marcos

10) Sun Belt Conference

The second trimester is denoted by a road win over a BCS conference team.

In the world that is conference realignment, the Sun Belt had remained untouched until Conference USA began raiding its ranks for members to replace the teams it will be losing to the Big East in 2013.

The Sun Belt adds South Alabama from the FCS this season, and next year will add Georgia State and first-year WAC member Texas State.  This is to offset the losses  FIU and North Texas to Conference USA to help that league with its losses of Houston, Memphis, SMU and UCF to the Big East. In other words, this is still an FBS conference in its fetal stages.

  1. Louisiana-Lafayette
  2. Florida International
  3. Arkansas State
  4. Louisiana-Monroe
  5. North Texas
  6. Western Kentucky
  7. Troy
  8. Middle Tennessee
  9. South Alabama
  10. Florida Atlantic

9) Conference USA

This conference reminds me of an NBA All-Star game. Everybody can score and nobody plays defense.  Naturally, it can be said that a conference with such offensive output would have some seriously weak defenses…and it would be correct to say that. Most of the defenses in this league “couldn’t stop a nosebleed” and are perfectly represented by East Carolina. The Pirates were at the bottom in nearly every defensive statistic and were joined by three other C-USA members in the bottom 20.

In other words, expect a lot of 50-45, four-and-a-half hour conference games, and don’t expect anybody below Southern Methodist to be on your radar in November.

  1. Houston
  2. UCF*
  3. Southern Mississippi
  4. Tulsa
  5. East Carolina
  6. Southern Methodist
  7. Marshall
  8. Texas-El Paso
  9. UAB
  10. Memphis
  11. Tulane
  12. Rice

8 ) MAC

How many other College Football Previews will give you a Charles Nelson Reilly reference?

This season, the MAC might as well be renamed “meh.” Their will be its usual creative play-calling, but don’t expect any teams from this league to make a miracle run to the top 25.

  1. Western Michigan
  2. Northern Illinois
  3. Toledo
  4. Ohio
  5. Bowling Green
  6. Miami (Ohio)
  7. Eastern Michigan
  8. Central Michigan
  9. Kent State
  10. Buffalo
  11. Akron
  12. Ball State
  13. Massachusetts

7) Mountain West

The Mountain West Conference is another league which had been hurt by the rash of realignment. Not long ago, the MWC was on the verge of gaining acceptance as the “7th BCS conference,” now it is essentially becoming what the dying WAC was three years ago.

The MWC is now much more akin to other small conferences like the MAC rather than even the weakest BCS auto qualifying conference like the Big East.  Just look at how this conference did in bowl games last season.  TCU (now gone) downed Louisiana Tech 31-24 in the Poinsettia Bowl and Boise State (now gone) trashed Arizona State 56-24 in the MAACO Bowl Las Vegas.  The three losses are far more telling; Wyoming lost to Temple (then in the MAC), Air Force lost  to Toledo (MAC) and San Diego State lost to Louisiana-Lafayette (Sun Belt).

As alluded to, the conference loses TCU to the Big 12 ,  adding to the defections of BYU and Utah a season ago.  Worse yet, it is scheduled to lose Boise State and San Diego State to the Big East next year.  Cementing the transition to being the new WAC is the fact that former WAC members Fresno State, Hawaii, and Nevada joined the league  for 2012, and next year, the Mountain West is scheduled to add two more WAC teams in San Jose State and Utah State.

  1. Boise State
  2. Nevada
  3. Wyoming
  4. Fresno State
  5. San Diego State
  6. Colorado State
  7. Air Force
  8. Hawaii
  9. UNLV
  10. New Mexico

6) Big East

Here’s another conference in transition.  This year, West Virginia left and Temple re-joined.  Next year, Boise State, Houston, Memphis, San Diego State, SMU and UCF will join. 2014 will see the departure of Syracuse and Pittsburgh, and 2015 will see the addition of Navy.  But for 2012, you can expect one bit of consistency…This conference hasn’t produced a team with fewer than 3 losses in three of the last four seasons.  Even when Cincinnati emerged with a 12-1 record in 2009, the Bearcats were routed by Florida in the Sugar Bowl after head coach Brian Kelly had already left for Notre Dame. In other words, nobody in this conference will legitimately be in the Top 20 in December.

  1. Louisville
  2. South Florida
  3. Rutgers
  4. Pittsburgh
  5. Cincinnati
  6. Temple
  7. Connecticut
  8. Syracuse

5) Pac-12

Ironically, it is the weakness of this conference which will make it appear to be so strong. USC, Oregon, Utah, and Stanford could all finish the regular season 11-1, thanks to the lack of depth in this league. This is also the reason why USC will be under-rated, despite that if healthy, they likely will be the best team in the country, and certainly the team not in the SEC.

  1. USC
  2. Oregon
  3. Utah
  4. Stanford
  5. Washington
  6. UCLA
  7. California
  8. Arizona
  9. Washington State
  10. Oregon State
  11. Arizona State
  12. Colorado

4) ACC

In what proves to be a tradition, the ACC is incredibly over-rated. There are a lot of people out there who think Florida State, Clemson, and/or Virginia Tech are BCS Championship quality teams. They aren’t.  While all three of these teams are legitimate big-bowl contenders, they are not championship teams. The ACC is one of the big reasons why there is a perception of “East Coast Bias” in the sports media; every year we get told one of these teams will win it all, and they never do.

  1. Florida State
  2. Clemson
  3. Virginia Tech
  4. North Carolina*
  5. Georgia Tech
  6. Virginia
  7. North Carolina State
  8. Miami (Fla.)
  9. Wake Forest
  10. Boston College
  11. Maryland
  12. Duke

3) Big 12

The Big 12 has six legitimate football teams, a wildcard in Texas, and three schools who pad everybody else’s schedules.  The Big 12 will once again operate as 10-team league as it continues to explore options to expand back to 12 teams.  This means the league will play a round-robin regular season schedule, which will make this league interesting for several reasons, not the least of which is its own strength.

The strength of this conference is a far cry from where it appeared the Big 12 would be just two years ago.   It wasn’t that long ago that this league looked ready for extinction in the uncertainty after the defections of Nebraska and Colorado in 2010.   Now, even after losing Texas A&M and Missouri, the Big 12 traded up by getting TCU and West Virginia; both of those schools are among the six that figure to compete for the conference title.

  1. Oklahoma
  2. West Virginia
  3. Kansas State
  4. Oklahoma State
  5. TCU
  6. Baylor
  7. Texas
  8. Texas Tech
  9. Iowa State
  10. Kansas

2) Big Ten

For the real story in the Big Ten, just look toward Columbus. The dawn of the Urban Meyer era at Ohio State may just do the same for the leviathan known at the  Big Ten as it did for the SEC. In other words, perhaps Meyer’ball will turn Big Ten offenses into something watchable rather than the plodding leviathans of the Paterno era.

  1. Wisconsin
  2. Michigan
  3. Michigan State
  4. Nebraska
  5. Ohio State*
  6. Iowa
  7. Purdue
  8. Penn State*
  9. Northwestern
  10. Illinois
  11. Indiana
  12. Minnesota

1) SEC

Pope Urban I has moved the Vatican of College Football from Gainesville to Columbus.

The Post-Urban Meyer SEC is the best conference in college football. From the day Pope Urban I landed in Gainsville, the SEC transformed into a juggernaut which has won the last six BCS titles. Everything changed when Urban Meyer took his coaching talents to Gainesville.

It’s almost heresy now in college football to point out the days when nobody, and I mean NOBODY thought the spread offense would thrive in the SEC.  But it didn’t take long for Pope Urban I to win a host of apostles. Within a couple of years, the SEC was no longer a league of jurassic, knuckle-walker offenses and defenses which came with their own coroner.

In 2006, only one team in the league averaged more than 30 points per game. Four years later, that number had increased to seven, and ten averaged 29 or better.  It happened because those teams all used some sort of spread offense. Even the cro-magnon leather helmets in Tuscaloosa dabbled in something other than a tailback-based attack.

This is the bottom line. The SEC has more talent and more good coaches.  It’s that combination that makes this league a serious contender to win a seventh BCS title.

  1. LSU
  2. Alabama
  3. Georgia
  4. South Carolina
  5. Vanderbilt
  6. Arkansas
  7. Auburn
  8. Florida
  9. Mississippi State
  10. Texas A&M
  11. Missouri
  12. Tennessee
  13. Mississippi
  14. Kentucky

Overall Rankings

  1. USC
  2. LSU
  3. Alabama
  4. Oklahoma
  5. Oregon
  6. Wisconsin
  7. Georgia
  8. Florida State
  9. South Carolina
  10. Michigan
  11. Vanderbilt
  12. Arkansas
  13. West Virginia
  14. Michigan State
  15. Clemson
  16. Kansas State
  17. Nebraska
  18. Ohio State*
  19. Oklahoma State
  20. TCU
  21. Auburn
  22. Virginia Tech
  23. Florida
  24. Utah
  25. Boise State
  26. Stanford
  27. Baylor
  28. Texas
  29. North Carolina*
  30. Georgia Tech
  31. Mississippi State
  32. Washington
  33. Notre Dame
  34. Louisville
  35. Houston
  36. Navy
  37. UCF*
  38. South Florida
  39. Iowa
  40. Southern Mississippi
  41. Louisiana-Lafayette
  42. Western Michigan
  43. Northern Illinois
  44. Florida International
  45. Purdue
  46. Nevada
  47. Toledo
  48. Penn State*
  49. Rutgers
  50. Wyoming
  51. Arkansas State
  52. Virginia
  53. Ohio
  54. Bowling Green
  55. Tulsa
  56. Pittsburgh
  57. Fresno State
  58. Cincinnati
  59. UCLA
  60. San Diego State
  61. Texas A&M
  62. Northwestern
  63. California
  64. Illinois
  65. Missouri
  66. North Carolina State
  67. Miami (Fla.)
  68. Tennessee
  69. Arizona
  70. Wake Forest
  71. Miami (Ohio)
  72. Washington State
  73. Texas Tech
  74. San Jose State
  75. Louisiana Tech
  76. East Carolina
  77. Louisiana-Monroe
  78. Iowa State
  79. Oregon State
  80. Colorado State
  81. Utah State
  82. North Texas
  83. Arizona State
  84. Western Kentucky
  85. Air Force
  86. Southern Methodist
  87. Mississippi
  88. Temple
  89. Kentucky
  90. Indiana
  91. Boston College
  92. Connecticut
  93. Marshall
  94. Army
  95. Eastern Michigan
  96. Syracuse
  97. Hawaii
  98. Brigham Young
  99. Troy
  100. Central Michigan
  101. Texas-El Paso
  102. Minnesota
  103. Colorado
  104. Maryland
  105. Kent State
  106. Middle Tennessee
  107. Duke
  108. Kansas
  109. UAB
  110. Idaho
  111. New Mexico State
  112. Buffalo
  113. South Alabama
  114. Akron
  115. Memphis
  116. Ball State
  117. Florida Atlantic
  118. Tulane
  119. UNLV
  120. New Mexico
  121. Georgia State
  122. Rice
  123. Texas-San Antonio
  124. Massachusetts
  125. Texas State-San Marcos

Trash-Talking the 2011 Top 25

Because we are into the greatest 12 weekends of the year, it is also time to remind some people of just who they are. In other words, we are taking the pre-season Dubsism Top 25 and reminding them that they suck. Let’s be honest, a big part of college football is trash-talking. This is exactly why I intend to go through the Top 25 and say awful things about every team and state involved.

1) Alabama

It has to pretty obvious when even Auburn fans get it.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Bear Bryant is dead, and it is high time you assholes quit running around in those houndstooth hats.

More importantly, with all the schools now getting caught for (insert NCAA violation here) it really just has to be a matter of time before Alabama gets caught (again).  It’s been a program so dirty Mike Rowe should be investigating it.

2) Oklahoma

If the world of college football were a bunch of children, Oklahoma would be the one you tell its OK to take candy from strangers. There really is nothing quite like the crap OU fans will put you through as they are reminding you what a storied program the Sooners are. Of course, they generally have to do this after Oklahoma’s most recent choke-job against (insert lousy Big 12 doormat here or crushing bowl game loss here).

3)  Oregon

Ten years ago, you didn’t need to pay attention to this team and its seizure-inducing uniforms.  Now, since they’ve made it a point to recruit every Los Angeles street thug even USC won’t touch, we have to hear about them every year. Thankfully, now they’ve scheduled a real game in September, so hopefully we won’t need to hear about how great they are just because they can handle Washington State. Seriously, if you are going to pay to illegally obtain recruiting film, do it so you can beat somebody worthwhile.

4) Wisconsin

As long as the state of Wisconsin exists, R.J. Reynolds will never go broke since they own Kraft Foods, Miller Beer and Marlboro cigarettes, which happen to be the three dietary staples in America’s Dairyland.

Honestly, Wisconsin is like Penn State and the SEC had an illegitimate child. Joe Paterno himself couldn’t construct a better offense based on gargantuan, sausage-fed offensive lineman and a bruising running back who eats contact like candy. Then, their is the Wiscy-level of drinking, which easily can put even the most moonshine-riddled southern peckerwood to shame.

5)  LSU

LSUcks. I mean, they’ve won two titles in the last decade, but neither should count. The first was just Nick SabaNazi splitting the love with Petey Cheaty TrojanFace and the second was beating arguably the most over-rated (and by “over-rated” I also mean “terrible,” and by that I mean “Ohio State”) teams ever allowed in a BCS Title game. Not to mention Les Miles is a complete mental case.

6) Nebraska

What ever happened to Lawrence Philips?

Where do I start? First of all, there is the fact that finally this team is in a real conference, which means they get to go somewhere more interesting than the land of endless Kansas they’ve been imprisoned in for decades. Nothing can improve your situation more than never having to go to Kansas ever again.

Plus I still think  Big Tweleveten should have deferred Nebraska’s admittance until they specifically defined what a “Cornhusker” really is. I’ve been told it is just a guy who beats off in a cornfield a lot, and I just don’t think that is appropriate.  Not to mention it totally changes my view of “popcorn.”

Oh, and Tom Osborne molests collies.

7) Florida State

What can you say about an institution that makes the University of Florida look good? Florida State is the “strip mall” of universities, and it is exactly that level of non-sophistication which makes it perfect for Tallahassee, which is actually the capital city of Lower Alabamida.

8 ) Boise State

I’m so tired of this team. They’ve been playing this “David” bit against everybody else’s Goliath, and I’m totally over it. This is a team that has been living off that Fiesta Bowl win over Oklahoma a few years back, and they haven’t won anything meaningful since.  Join a real conference and play a real schedule, otherwise you are just a western Notre Dame.

9) Stanford

How can anybody have any respect for a school which is supposed to be full of the uber-smart, yet it can’t even figure out its own mascot.  The nickname is the Cardinal, not the bird or the pope-in-training, but the color.  Somehow, this color is represented by an ass-eating tree.  No wonder I weep for the future of this country.

10) Oklahoma State

You almost want to feel sorry for Oklahoma State…almost. The only people who go to Oklahoma State are the ones who couldn’t get into Oklahoma. That’ s gotta hurt all by itself; it’s like going to Costco because you couldn’t even get a membership at Sam’s Club. Worse yet, imagine having to deal with that kind of rejection while living in Stillwater. Even people in Tulsa think  Stillwater sucks.

Oklahoma State fans think somehow the success of their basketball team means anything to football fans. Their chants at football games are generally some unintelligent ramblings about the other teams love for male genitalia.  Of course, the hoards of douchebag fans which inhabit Stillwater have nothing but time to be so creative as the average OSU female tends to prefer female genitalia. This is why it is metaphysical certitude one of them will start carving up hookers and dumping them under T. Boone Pickens Stadium.

11) South Carolina

How is this not South Carolina's mascot?

Gamecocks… What else do I need to say? The jokes write themselves. Feel free to contribute your own.

12) Texas A&M

Legend has it that the “A&M” in Texas A&M used to stand for “All-Male.”  We’ve also noticed the” aTm” on the Aggies helmets represents a particularly nasty acronym, and I don’t mean “at the moment.”   I’m just sayin’…

13) Virginia Tech

Virginia Tech football is so boring, occasionally they will provide somebody who will shoot you in the head.

It used to be that Virginia Tech was the poster child for over-rated, waste-of-time East Coast football. Then Virginia Tech and Miami joined the ACC supposedly forming a superconference. That idea got so screwed up I’m surprised Barack Obama wasn’t involved in it.  But since they are on the East Coast this team for some  reason is always a “dark horse” national title contender. Tech is good for 10 painfully boring wins and an equally boring bowl victory. Honestly, watching a Virginia Tech game is like watching ice melt, except not as exciting.

14) Arkansas

There’s being a fan; then there’s going too far. Somehow you just know this is less about “supporting the team” and more about greasing the railsl for a serious discussion with the family about Daddy’s transvestism.

15) TCU

TCU sucks, which is likely more than you say about these girls.

Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet.  All this really accomplishes is to see which Christian Texas asshole school gets to lay claim to cookware. Big deal. What should really play happen is BYU should play Notre Dame every year so we can see which Christian asshole school won’t be a BCS buster.

16) USC

To see the source of this picture, look up "smarmy assloaf" in your dictionary.

From Merriam-Websters:


  • noun, often capitalized \ˈshä-dən-ˌfrȯi-də\
  • Definition of SCHADENFREUDE: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others
  • Origin of SCHADENFREUDE: German, from Schaden “damage” + Freude “joy”
  • First Known Use: 1895

I’m going to enjoy this so much…words can’t describe how much I hate Lane Kiffin. He’s college football’s equivalent to that kid at your office who only has the job because he’s somebody nephew or frat brother or some other connection which has absolutely nothing to do with his crushing incompetence.  I can’t even begin to describe how fun it is going to be watching this pompous pseudo-fruit hurtle over the NCAA cliff.  I hope the they find out all the crap he did at Tennessee, then I hope they find more stuff he did at USC, then I hope they ban him from the game.

That won’t happen, but it would be fun to see Kiffin’s slime trail return USC to the Paul Hackett era, when the Trojans couldn’t beat TCU in the Sun Bowl.  God, what a sweet time that was.

17) Ohio State

I should leave this section blank, because I was really raised to believe that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. But if I were to do that, then this whole article would be blank. What else can you say about Ohio, a state where the rivers catch fire and sodomizing a relative is considered a proper form of greeting? Seriously, Ohio is the reason why “To Catch A Predator” exists; 8 Saturdays a year 100,000 Buckeyes cram themselves into Ohio Stadium, which is the anus of the Big Ten. The best thing I can say about Ohio is somehow it manages to let those hillbilly dipshits from the SEC have self-esteem.

18) Michigan State

Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the Big Twelevten teams who aren’t Wisconsin, Ohio State, or Penn State.  They all really do the same thing. They become bowl-eligible, and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Mississippi State “We Both Humped Our Sisters, But Our Accents Are Weirder” Bowl.  What makes Michigan State different is their coach who enjoys having heart-attacks after game winning field goals.

19) Auburn

Auburn has a long tradition of hiring mouth-breathers as coaches. There was the runt of the Bowden litter, then there was “Dumbo” Tuberville, and now there’s Gene Chizik. Chizik is an over-hyped bag of guts, which is perfect for a school full of frauds, closet racists, and over-inflated egos. Honestly, all that separates Auburn from being a southern-fried Notre Dame is the dark and barbarous Catholic Church.

20) Mississippi State

If you can’t play football, at least give us slutty, naked cheerleaders. This marks Mississippi State’s first measure of relevance in nearly a century.

21) Missouri

Don’t be mislead by the production, this isn’t a book, it’s a pamphlet. You can’t fill a whole book with “Be ranked until you play Oklahoma.”

22) Georgia

There’s a reason why they call it “UGAy.” Seriously, it doesn’t take much to figure out all those good, ol’ boys at Sanford Stadium secretly bat for the other team. After all, it was a dead give away when we noticed they love to wind down after their annual “Queer Beating” by doing the world’s biggest “elephant walk.” At least they aren’t playing “soggy biscuit” anymore…I think.  Not to mention “Deliverance” was set in Georgia. I wonder if Georgia football makes Ned Beatty clinch up just a  little.

23) Florida

If your bedroom looks like this, you will never have sex.

Gainesville represents the epicenter of culture in Florida, which means they have log sculptures of Tim Tebow and they change the urinal cakes at the stadium once a season.

24) Penn State

There is a rule out that says you can’t say anything bad about Joe Paterno, because he is the dean of college football. He is 643 years old, which is why he doesn’t seem to have the sense of urgency needed to beat a bunch of nipple-gummers like Iowa or Ohio State. The last time he had a sense of urgency was when he ran off the field to take a dump a few years ago.  It matters little as he will win more Big Tweleveten titles, even if it means we see a robotic JoePa patrolling the sidelines of State College.

25) Arizona State

These two tongue-lappers are a perfect representation of Arizona State. First, since they know they have been passed by Mississippi State on the slutty cheerleader scale, they get desperate for attention. This is the only reason girls like this make out with each other; so you’ll see past their sluttiness because they know every straight guy in America has that “two chicks” fantasy. The problem is they rarely will go all the way, much like Sun Devil football hasn’t seen a Rose Bowl since Jake “the Snake” Plummer.

The 10 Dirtiest College Programs Plus The Ones Of Which I’m Most Suspicious

Let’s face it,  college programs cheat. There’s an old saying in college sports, “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.” Recently, we here at Dubsism hung a tag of “dirty program” on Auburn, but to be fair, they are far from the only one. Hell, they probably are all dirty; just because your school may not have been caught lately just means they are more discreet.

Plus, let’s be honest…getting away with it is a hell of a lot easier for some schools than others. If you doubt that, all you have to do is look at the NCAA’s precedent of deferring punishment for for moneymakers during money-making season; of course this refers to the bullshit punishments postponed until next season for Jim Tressel and Jim Calhoun. Plus, if you look at the following list, you’re going to notice a distinct lack of the real power-players in college sports.

10) Wisconsin Basketball and Football — Major Infractions: 7  Just months after its basketball program reached the Final Four in 2000, the Wisconsin athletic department imploded when 26 football players were suspended prior to the season opener after the NCAA uncovered that members of the Badgers’ football and basketball teams were given special credit arrangements at a shoe store (this “free shoes” tactic will appear again on this list). The Badgers were handed five years of probation, including the loss of scholarships in both football and basketball.

9) Memphis Basketball Major Infractions:7  The  program at Memphis has has two trips into the NCAA doghouse. The Final Four run in 1985 dissolved the following year when head coach Dana Kirk was fired after the NCAA uncovered recruiting violations and vacated the appearance.  Then came John  Calipari,  who had the Tigers positioned to win the national title, but that later evaporated when Memphis got hit with three years of probation for Derrick Rose’s fraudulent SAT score and the $1,700 in free travel and lodging provided to his brother. Before penalties were levied, Calipari slithered off to Kentucky, which could soon find its way onto this list as the athletic program has six major infractions and the basketball program narrowly escaped the death penalty in 1989.

8 ) Florida State — Major Infractions: 7 Former Florida Gator coach Steve Spurrier once referred to FSU as “Free Shoes University,” which was really a reference to a 1993 scandal in which nine Florida State players went on an agent-funded shopping spree at Foot Locker. Then, in 1999 during a national championship run, Peter Warrick and Laveranues Coles were charged with felony grand theft for receiving $412.38-worth of clothes.

And in the sweetest moment ever, in 2009 Bobby “The Anti-Christ” Bowden was forced to vacate 12 victories because of an academic cheating scandal that also involved the men’s and women’s basketball, baseball, softball and men’s track and field programs. This not only is the best example of a program so corrupted it even torched the sports nobody cares about (a 2007 men’s track national championship was vacated), but these vacated wins meant Bowden would never  catch Joe Paterno as the FBS’s all-time winningest coach.

7) Wichita State Baseball and Basketball — Major Infractions: 7 Wichita State’s baseball and basketball programs have flourished, largely because they can cheat with the big boys. The baseball program has been one of the most successful in recent history, winning the 1989 College World Series and finishing second in 1982, 1991, and 1993. The basketball program reached the Final Four in 1965, Elite Eight in 1981 and Sweet Sixteen in 2006. Of the seven infractions, mentioned here, my favorite involved the basketball team getting punted out of any tournaments after the Elite Eight run in 1981. Seems that the following year, WSU got caught handing out cash payments and and freebie airline tickets. The best part, at the time the penalties were imposed, Wichita State led the NCAA in major infractions. Suck on that, big boys.

6) Oklahoma Football — Major Infractions:7  If you have a program on probation, and you would like to see it stay that way, just hire Barry Switzer.  Oklahoma forfeited nine games from the 1972 season because of violations that resulted from the alteration of players’ transcripts; and when Switzer left in 1988, the program was again on probation. Hard to imagine how one gets the the tag of “outlaw program,” considering there was the probation, oh, and a stretch in which there was a shooting and rape in athletic dorm, one player attempted to sell drugs to undercover agent, and another even player robbed Switzer’s home.  In his defense, he likely robbed his own coach because he wasn’t in on the gravy train resulting from being paid by personal checks from Switzer, the scalping of  game tickets, getting free airline tickets, or the usual money-pump stemming from the usual bidding wars during recruitment.

BONUS – Oklahoma basketball, brought to you by the scumbag formerly known as Kelvin Sampson. Kelvin Sampson, the same guy who later crippled the Indiana basketball program due to unethical recruiting practices, made 550 illegal calls to 17 different recruits, and that’s only what they could prove…but then again, cash is always hard to trace.

5) Texas A&M Football — Major Infractions: 7 They really should name an award for corruption after the old Southwest Conference. Between just SMU and Texas A&M, the SWC could have been the most corrupt entity in the history of college sports.  Cheating was compulsory in the SWC during the 1980s; the theory was if you weren’t cheating, you didn’t matter. Hence, this is the reason why the Jackie Sherrill era in College Station was quite successful. It’s also no coincidence the Sherrill era ended in 1988 when Sherrill resigned after the NCAA discovered that assistant coaches and boosters were providing improper benefits to recruits — one was given a sports car and another’s father was offered medical treatment. When a booster was found paying players for “do-nothing” jobs in 1994, A&M was considered for the “Death Penalty” as well.

4 ) Auburn Football — Major Infractions: 7  At least for now, because this doesn’t even include whatever may stem from the Cam Newton situation. Nonetheless, Auburn has a reputation for “kicking one on to the fairway” with not such infrequent occasion. The best was in 1991, when 60 Minutes aired recordings of head football coach Pat Dye arranging a loan for a player. That bought Auburn two-year bowl ban, one-year television-free,  and the loss of 13 scholarships over a four-year period.

3) Minnesota Basketball — Major Infractions: 7 This is what happens when your whole program hinges on a low-level clerical worker who decides she wants more money to do everybody’s homework, and you piss her off. For Gopher basketball fans, the name Jan Gangelhoff is forever tied to that of Coach Clem Haskins. Haskins literally had the majority of his career scratched from the books because he thought his players didn’t need to hit theirs.  During his stint as Minnesota’s head basketball coach, Clem Haskins oversaw runs to the Elite Eight, Final Four and an NIT Championship. Today, however, only the Elite Eight appearance remains in the NCAA record books, as everything Haskins accomplished from 1993-1994 forward was vacated.

See, the problem is that prior to the Golden Gophers’ appearance in the 1999 NCAA tournament, Gangelhoff ratted out everybody. She sang a song about writing more than 400 papers for numerous basketball players over several years. That proved to be just the tip of the iceberg, Haskins was accused of paying players, persuading professors to inflate players’ grades and ignoring sexual harassment concerns. The NCAA administered massive sanctions, notably docking five scholarships over three seasons and instituting recruiting limitations. The entire athletic department suffered, as the Athletic Director, Associate Athletic Director, Vice President for Student Development and Athletics, and the Academic Counselor were all forced to resign due to the scandal.

The moral of the story – if you are going to cheat, PAY THE HELP! No wonder Gangelhoff rolled over on the whole scheme – for writing over 400 papers, she was paid the heft sum of $3,000 for her work.

2) SMU Football— Major Infractions: 8  Two words – Death Penalty. This is why SMU football is still the poster child for corruption in college sports.  You just can’t have a secret fund to pay players; from 1974 to 1985, the school was penalized on five separate occasions. Because SMU was under such intense scrutiny from the NCAA, the powers that be had little choice but to levy the harshest penalty. As a result, the entire 1987 season was canceled, SMU was forced to cancel the 1988 season, 55 scholarships were smoked and the team was permitted to hire just five full-time assistant coaches instead of the regular nine.

1) Arizona State Baseball— Major Infractions: 9.  The classic example of the NCAA flexing its muscle on a program that largely doesn’t matter because it isn’t a huge revenue generator. Arizona State is primarily known for its baseball program, which has won five national championships and produced legends such as Reggie Jackson and fittingly, Barry Bonds. Last December, it was penalized for major secondary violations, resulting in three years probation and a one-year ban from the NCAA post-season. The NCAA Division I Committee on Infractions cited the athletic program for improperly recruiting one player and giving improper benefits to several others. In 2005, ASU was given two years probation for a “lack of institutional control” (Have you read that phrase enough in this piece?) and giving illegal financial aid.

Remember the aforementioned “lack of power player?” It’s that lack that makes me cast an eye at the following; if for no other reason that the “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying” rule.

Ohio State – The crap-storm now surrounding the football program and head coach Cheatypants McSweatervest doesn’t surprise me, in fact it validates a long-held belief of mine that Ohio States’ success in so many sports had to be coming at the expense of the NCAA rule book. See the Florida State Entry. Not to mention, guys like Maurice Clarett should be a warning sign.

Duke – I don’t care how much hate mail I get for this, but I’m convinced Mike Krzyzewski is like the church minister who secretly like little boys. He’s got all the respect of the people who could out him, but none of them do because, after all, he is the minister. Besides, he’s also that hypocritical asshole who preaches about character and discipline, then stomps around on the sideline like the biggest petulant shithead out there. Face it, how the hell else does this school now attract the “one and done” talent they now bitch about?

Alabama – I think the following picture speaks for itself.

USC – What’s happening now is just for openers. I would bet money there are skeletons in the Trojan closet we may never know about.

The Top 10 Football Factories – And Some That Didn’t Make The List

With the NFL Draft looming, I found a list courtesy of the NFL Network featuring the schools consider to be the Top Ten Football Factories. We here at Dubsism took that list and crossed it against each schools three arguably most interesting players. Be mindful of the fact this list was devised and ordered by the NFL Network and not us, which is why before you write us nasty letters about it, wait for our comments at the end so you can be REALLY pissed when you comment.

10) Tennessee

Their  Top Three – Peyton Manning, Reggie White, Doug Atkins

Those are three top-flight hall-of-famers, and that’s only part of the reason why Tennessee belongs on this list. In terms of college football, Tennessee has a long history; the Volunteers were the power of the SEC before Bear Bryant and Alabama. Of course, recent history hasn’t been kind to the Vols, and that’s just fine with me, since Tenneesee still grinds my gears.

9) The Mid-America Conference (MAC)

Their Top Three – Jack Lambert, Ben Roethlisberger, Randy Moss

Honestly, this entry caused the most discussion amongst the staff here at Dubsism; at least no punches were thrown this time, but suffice it to say there are several staffers here who fervently believe it is wrong to include an entire conference. In defense of the MAC, that’s a pretty solid Top Three as compared to some of the others on this list. I would like to believe the MAC is here to represent the contributions of all small schools, but more importantly, look at what those three represent – a toothless psychopath, a multi-ringed “may-be” rapist, and complete douchebag.

8 ) Syracuse

Their Top Three – Jim Brown, John Mackey, Donovan McNabb

This is just the saddest story on this list; the classic case of how the mighty have fallen. In my lifetime, I’ve watched the Orange go from the pride of eastern football to a team that can barely stay afloat in the weakest big conference in football. I blame it all on Dick MacPherson, their Hall-of-Fame coach who steadily built the Orangemen into an Eastern football power. One of SU’s most stunning wins during MacPherson’s tenure came in 1984 when the Orangemen upset then No. 1 Nebraska, 17-9. MacPherson later bolted from the Orange, trying to parlay his success in college into a career in the NFL, but his two years stint with the New England Patriots..well, let’s just say calling it an “abject failure” is being kind. Sadly, the Orange have been rancid ever since.

7) Penn State

Their Top Three – Jack Ham, Lenny Moore, John Cappelletti

This is another case of a school getting its coach hired away by the New England Patriots. Back in 1972, the Patriots offered Joe Paterno a contract which have made him football’s first million-dollar coach, a contract which JoePa accepted. However, his tenure as an NFL coach lasted less than 12 hours; the morning after signing the deal, Paterno called the Patriots to tell them the deal was off. Had Paterno left, it is a certainty the Nittany Lions would have languished at the bottom of college football for decades; just look at what happened to Syracuse. Hell, it could have been worse, look at what happened to SMU when Ron Meyer left for New England.

6) Alabama

Their Top Three – Joe Namath, John Hannah, Derrick Thomas

Given their history, there is not anybody young or old who didn’t picture this team on this list. And why not? Alabama has always paid as well, if not better than any NFL franchise.

5) Michigan

Their Top Three – Dan Dierdorf, Tom Brady, President Gerald Ford

There’s only three other schools that have produced both a Super Bowl winning quarterback and a U.S. President – Navy (Roger Staubach/Jimmy Carter), Stanford (John Elway & Jim Plunkett/Herbert Hoover), and Miami of Ohio (Ben Roethislberger/Benjamin Harrison), but Michigan is the only one whose quarterback has won the Super Bowl three times (Tom Brady) and whose President was also an All-American offensive lineman. Despite that, Michigan also grinds my gears.

It saya a lot about Michigan when their alums appear on TV wearing Penn State gear.

4) Ohio State

Their Top Three – Jim Parker, Paul Warfield, Cris Carter

Another school with long history, and a new problem. Nobody can deny Ohio State has pumped hundreds of players into the NFL, but given the stuff swirling around the football program these days, one starts wondering how many hundreds are going to be pumped into the pockets of defense attorneys and bail bondsmen in the near future.  Given that, it shouldn’t shock anybody the effect Ohio State has on my gears.

3) Notre Dame

Their Top Three – Joe Montana, Paul Hornung, Alan Page

It is about time law enforcment looked into the Irish problem.

Now, Notre Dame is a team that produces more corpses with scissor-lifts and sexual assault reports than it does NFL talent, but let’s not forget this list is historically  all-inclusive.  The way things look in south Bend now, it is feasible the Fighting Irish could be moving down this list over time; Notre Dame doesn’t look to be a top-flight program anytime soon.

2) Miami, FL

Their Top Three – Jim Kelly, Ray Lewis, Michael Irvin

If Notre Dame represents the oldest of history, Miami is the other side of the college football coin; the Hurricanes were hardly a breeze until the 1980′s. But in that time they have produced an astonishing amount of talent. But they also spent most of the 80′s being completely hateable, leading to one of my favorite moments in all of college football – Pete Giftopoulous’ interception at the end of the 4th quarter of the 1987 Fiesta Bowl, giving Penn State the national championship over Miami.

1) Southern Cal

Their Top Three – Ronnie Lott, Bruce Matthews, O.J. Simpson

In most cities with multiple professional sports franchises, there’s a “pecking order” in terms who gets fan support no matter what; the team which is always in the spotlight.  In New York, the top of the food chain is inhabited by the Yankees and the Knicks. In Chicago, that honor belongs to the Cubs and the Bears. In Los Angeles, its the Lakers and USC. Make no mistake, the Trojans are every bit a professional franchise; they’ve got the NCAA sanctions to prove it. Long before that, there’s reason I called them them U$¢ (The University of Dollars and Cents).

The thing that really struck the staff here at Dubsism was not the teams on the list (other than that whole MAC thing), but some of the teams not on it.

Texas – Their Top Three – Earl Campbell, Bobby Layne, Tommy Nobis

Their exclusion has to be because for close to 25 years after the Darrell Royal era, for the most part Texas became an afterthought on the national landscape.

OklahomaTheir Top Three – Lee Roy Selmon, Billy Sims, Tommy McDonald

The Sooners got left off the list for two words – Brian Bosworth.

PurdueTheir Top Three – Len Dawson, Bob Griese, Drew Brees

Ok, I know this one is a stretch, but I would put West Lafayette Vo-Tech Purdue on the list over an entire conference just on quarterbacks alone. Alabama is the only other school that has produced three Super Bowl winning quarterbacks (Bart Starr, Joe Namath, Ken Stabler) and the three produced by Purdue are to a man better quarterbacks than the three coming from the Tide. Then there’s all the other legit NFL quarterbacks this school has produced other than the ones already mentioned -  Gary Danielson, Bob DeMoss, Jim Everett, Jeff George (transferred/got kicked out to Illinois), Mark Herrmann, Mike Phipps, and the Greatest Athlete in the History of Ever, Kyle Orton.

GramblingTheir Top Three – Everson Walls, Doug Williams, Charlie Joiner

Eddie Robinson produced so much NFL talent – a list of the players he prepared for NFL success reads like a list of guys you forgot about, but when you read the list, its a never-ending parade of “how the hell did I forget that guy!” Look past the three we already mentioned – there’s still Buck Buchanan, Ernie “Big Cat” Ladd, Sammy White, Trumaine Johnson, James Harris, Willie Brown, Willie Davis, “Tank” Younger, and 1976 Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner.

The 2010 Dubsy Awards

Now that 2010 is in the books, it is time to recognize some truly great achievements in the world of sport that may otherwise go unnoticed. With that, I give you the 2010 Dubsy Awards.

The Mickey Klutts Award for Unfortunate Naming

Winner: Gregor Fucka

I don’t care if he’s almost 40 years old, an NBA team needs to bring Fucka to North America. Fucka is a 7’1″ center/forward who most recently played with Fortitudo Bologna in the Italian League.  But this isn’t about talent, this is about all the great nicknames and headlines that a name like Fucka would bring. You  know you would be lining up for you “Mean Mutha Fucka” T-shirt.

The Bobby KnightAward for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns

Winner: Lou Piniella

This award may have been the closest vote amongst the staff here at Dubsism, but in the end Cubs manager Lou Pinella prevailed for his tirade about White Sox broadcaster Steve Stone. In all honesty, Lou won over several qualified nominees because Lou not only raised the bar by calling out a fellow player who moved onto another facet of the game, he did so by producing another Pinella gem of a meltdown. Sure, he wasn’t chucking second base into the outfield  or kicking dirt on an umpire, but it was classic Lou as only Lou can do.

The Bevo and Ralphie Award for Mascot Buffoonery

Winner: Alphie the Wolf

What would make a perfect mascot for a team named the Aces? Well, if you are in Reno, the answer is a Grimace rip-off and a low-rent wolf borrowed from the local university who is headed for a workmen’s compensation claim.

The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide

Winner: Dan Hawkins

What do you call a coach who racked up a record of 19-39 over five seasons, never won more than six games in a season, never won a bowl game, and asked for a raise?  A) Not likely to keep his job, and B) not likely to get another job.

Kyle Ringo of the The BOULDER (CO) DAILY CAMERA reports that Hawkins, who is under contract until 2012 and has gone 16-33 in his career at CU – 3-9 last season – recently confirmed on the record that he had requested a contract extension.

In a meeting of head coaches in the Colorado athletic department earlier this summer, a senior staff member asked the Buffs` head football coach if there was one thing the department could do to help his program succeed this season, what would it be? Multiple sources in the room that day told the Camera Hawkins responded by saying the school could give him a contract extension.

Nearly as stunning as his tone deaf request was Hawkins confirming the conversation on the record.  Hawkins confirmed the story after practice Wednesday. When asked why he chose to answer the question the way he did, he said, “Just the continuity, stability.”

When Ringo cited the fact that Hawkins still had three years left on his contract, Hawkins said, “To some degree. But you`re talking to recruits and guys on your team and all that kind of stuff.” Ringo reported that in response to the request, Colorado Athletic Director Mike Bohn indicated, “he hasn’t had any discussions with Hawkins about an extension and there are no plans for such a discussion.”

Bohn quote: “Speculation about coach`s tenure is always a delicate issue.Our process involving approval from the chancellor followed by approval from the Board of Regents is well documented, and I have great confidence and respect for our long-term contracts. We support Dan and we will evaluate him and the football program at the end of the season just as we do with all of our coaches.”

Dan Hawkins

That response is almost worthy of an award of its own for pure diplomacy, considering it was widely reported last year that Hawkins went over Bohn’s head to the school chancellor and board of regents to save his job after a 3-9 2009 season. But the last straw had to be after not having won a road game in nearly three years, the Buffaloes blew a 45-17 lead in only 12 minutes against the uber-crappy Kansas Jayhawks.

The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call

Winner: The guy holding the sign

Honorable Mention: Houston Astros field reporter Amy What’s-Her-Name for nicknaming this guy “Bo the Bailer.” Honestly, we’ve been big fans of Amy’s ever since she was accosted on live television by Jim Deshaies’ dad. We just wish we could remember her name.

The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated

Co-Winners: Tim Tebow and LeBron James

These two guys are really two sides of the same coin; that coin being having never accomplished anything at the professional level. Tim Tebow became the the most sold  jersey before he ever took an NFL snap, and the only thing LeBron has ever done to this point is make the Cleveland Cavaliers not suck for a few brief years.  Even now, Tebow is a rookie quarterback on a lousy team that isn’t likely to not be lousy anytime soon, and LeBron is a star, but in a dying league.  Yet they both draw a monstrously inordinate amount of attention.

The Clinton-Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility

Winner: Mike Garrett

Let’s face it…As the USC athletic director, Garrett’s attempt to make us all think Rome wasn’t burning was about as successful as the original attempt, minus the violin.  It became very apparent early on that the whole Reggie Bush – OJ Mayo thing was going to become a monstrous problem. It is one thing to slip a kid some cash or even a car, but when you are buying houses for parents, that’s a bit harder to maintain the “discreet” factor at a level that won’t have the NCAA parachuting into your parking lot. The “smoking gun moment” came when head coach Pete Carroll skulked out of town Irsay-like in the middle of the night for the Seattle Seahawks’ job despite the fact he had already failed twice as an NFL coach.

The Charles O. Finley Award for Achievements in Cheap

Winner: The Pittsburgh Pirates

The Pirates made nearly $29.4 million in 2007 and 2008, according to team financial documents, years that were part of a streak of futility that has now reached 18 consecutive losing seasons. The team’s ownership also paid its partners $20.4 million in 2008. The documents offer a rare peek inside a team that made money by getting slightly less than half its income (about $70 million) from MLB sources — including revenue sharing, network TV, major league merchandise sales and MLB’s website. The team also held down costs, keeping player salaries near the bottom of the National League, shedding pricier talent and hoping that untested prospects would blossom. By 2010, the Pirates had baseball’s lowest opening-day payroll;  $34.9 million or just $2 million more than in 1992, the club’s last winning season. It’s no coincidence the Pirates run of consecutive losing seasons is now the worst in the history of major American pro sports teams.

The Joe Kapp Award for Being Run Out of Town

Winner: Ralph Friedgen

Fear not...the "Friedge" will be back.

Named in honor of the former NFL quarterback who was made the highest-paid player in the league by the then-Boston Patriots in 1970, only to be literally locked out of training camp the following season. This is an honor bestowed upon someone who gets the “bum’s rush” despite success. This year’s winner took a 2-10 Maryland club to a 9-4 mark, including a convincing bowl win over East Carolina. For his trouble, he was both named ACC Coach of the Year and fired.

The Bobby Layne Award for Best Performance While Drunk

Winner: Pat McAfee

The obligatory mughshot, courtesy Indianapolis PD.

Despite the fact they barely got under the wire  into the playoffs, this has not been a good year for the Indianapolis Colts.  First, there was the choke job in the Super Bowl by franchise quarterback “Fetushead” Manning. Then there has been the rash of injuries that reduced the Colts to the Ponies. But nothing tops having the Indianapolis police fish your drunken punter out of a canal.

McAfee seemed to be taking advantage of the Colts’ bye week by getting good and hammered, then taking a refreshing dip in an Indianapolis city canal.  He had difficulty explaining to police why he was completely wet and half-naked as he stood in a popular neighborhood primarily known for its nightlife; other than “I am drunk.” The cops said that McAfee’s blood-alcohol content level was 0.15, when McAfee was taken into custody around 5 a.m.  It seems McAfee was so bombed when police arrived, McAfee reportedly told them that he was waiting for a friend to come get him, but then told the officers that he was planning on taking a taxi home, and on story number three said he was walking home. That was when Indianapolis police decided the decision shouldn’t be left up to McAfee, so they arrested him.  It also seems McAfee was so drunk that they had to help him stand up and take the the breathalyzer test; police became aware of the situation when they recieved a 911 call from a frantic woman, who said that a shirtless man approached her car. The woman apparently thought that McAfee was trying to get in her car, so she ran a red light and dropped a dime on McAfee.

The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness

Winner: Troy Polamalu

This is a category that is never, ever short of qualified nominees, but the clear choice has to be Troy Polamalu, if for no other reason he has broken a barrier by introducing us to hair insurance.

The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying

Winner: Tim Lincecum

A major part of winning this award is building a solid reputation as a party animal. Lots of people get busted for possession of a little weed; and Dock Ellis broke the “pitching while wasted” barrier. But when you are on the cover of Sports Illustrated blasting champagne, you were picked because everybody knows you can party. Let’s be honest, that SI cover just ain’t working with Joe Paterno on it.

The Vinko Bogotaj Award For Epic Failure

Winner: Dee Dee Jernigan

Again, this is a category literally dripping with outstanding and well-deserving contenders. But to take home an award as prestigious as a Dubsy, you must set yourself apart in your category.  Honestly, there really can’t be another winner than Xavier’s Dee Dee Jernigan.  There is almost nothing more fundamental in basketball than a lay-up, and there can’t be anymore of a monumental failure than Jernigan’s bricking 2 undefended lay-ups in less than 12 seconds to cost her team a trip to the Womens’ Final Four.

The Gene Mauch Lifetime Achievement Award

Winner: Bud Grant

This award is given annually to somebody who has been around forever, but never won anything. This year, we finally got around to the legendary Minnesota Vikings head coach, who was notorious for banning heaters at outdoor games in Minnesota and forbidding players to have contact with their wives the night before a game. He’s the only guy in both the Canadian and American football Halls of Fame, but he’s also 0-4 in Super Bowls, which is why he so richly deserves this award.

The 2010 Dubsism Pre-Season College Football Rankings

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. There is a rule in the blogosphere that says if you tag more than three posts with “college football,” you are required to do a pre-season ranking. It’s really almost like a chain letter; failing to engage is such willful prognostication can mean your goodies will swell into purple soccer balls before they burst and drop right off. Not only that, but you are forced to sit in front of Lou Holtz without a spit shield. Since I can barely swim…

Granny's trying to wet the wettest whistle in the history of wet whistles (reaches for a squeegee).

Teams are rated within their conference, and the conferences are ranked in order of overall strength.

Plus, since here at Dubsism we are believers in the yin and yang of things, we felt it necessary not only to do the obligatory Top 25 list, but a comprehensive list as well. Why? Because for every team that should be admired for its prowess, there is one that should be pitied for its ineptitude.


The special category for Army, Navy, and that school in Indiana that used to mean something. Every year, Notre Dame gets more attention than they deserve; a phenomenon that continues up to that point when the Irish get such a crushing loss that every the most ardent Notre Dame fan has no choice but to admit they simply aren’t very good. Even though the Irish have their typically soft schedule, the hype really should be over by the third quarter of the Purdue game.

Thankfully, there is an Independent worth discussing. The Navy Midshipmen have built a program that is now worthy of a discussion wondering how good they will be rather than if they will be any good. Top that off with quarterback Ricky Dobbs, who is the best player you’ve never heard of. His name would be on all our lips were he at a “traditional” football power rather than preparing to serve his country.

  1. Navy
  2. Notre Dame
  3. Army

11) Sun Belt Conference

Yeah, this is really Division I football, but it has a way to go to be the little brother of top-flight college football. Right now, it is more like a fetal version of a real conference; there are some signs of life beginning to develop. The Sun Belt has produced 9- and 10-win teams. Sun Belt teams have scored victories over big-conference teams; just a few years ago Louisiana-Monroe beat Alabama, Troy shocked Oklahoma State, and FAU took out a weak, but still BCS conference Minnesota all in the same season. Arkansas State upset Texas A&M in 2008 and in 2009 almost scored a road win over Iowa, falling 24-21.

The second trimester is denoted by a road win over a BCS conference team.

Another sign that this conference is developing is the fact it has an increasing number of top-quality players; this year’s class includes Middle Tennessee State’s Dwight Dasher, Troy’s Jerrel Jernigan and Florida International’s T.Y. Hilton.

  1. Troy
  2. Middle Tennessee
  3. Western Kentucky
  4. North Texas
  5. Florida International
  6. Arkansas State
  7. Louisiana-Monroe
  8. Louisiana-Lafayette
  9. Florida Atlantic

10) MAC

It’s easy to say the MAC is like a mini-me to the Big Ten, except the MAC doesn’t have bloated, over-rated teams that can’t get it done on the field (read that as “Michigan.”) Nine straight wins means there just might be a new “Golden Era” in Philadelphia. These aren’t the Temple Owls that stumbled affably toward, yet never achieving respectability. Now, the goal is to win the conference, which would’ve likely happened in 2009 had it not been for an injury to star running back Bernard Pierce.

  1. Temple
  2. Toledo
  3. Kent State
  4. Northern Illinois
  5. Akron
  6. Western Michigan
  7. Bowling Green
  8. Miami (OH)
  9. Ball State
  10. Central Michigan
  11. Buffalo
  12. Eastern Michigan
  13. Ohio

9) WAC

Boise State defines the term “big fish in a small pond.” While the Broncos enter the Dubsism pre-season rankings in the Top Ten, you have to scroll all the way to #65 to find the next WAC member. But this fish is no less dangerous just because it comes from a small pond; you wouldn’t fuck with Jaws just because he was in your hot tub.

We're going to need a bigger tub.

Don’t look now, but Boise State has won 26 of their last 27 games, including two man-handlings of Oregon and handing a very-good TCU it’s walking papers from the ranks of the undefeated.  They finished No. 4 in the AP poll last year, they are returning over 20 starters, and this is a program that has won two BCS Bowl games in the last four years, which means you have to consider this team, goofy blue field and all, a legitimate national championship contender.

  1. Boise State
  2. Fresno State
  3. Hawaii
  4. New Mexico State
  5. Nevada
  6. Idaho
  7. Louisiana Tech
  8. San Jose State
  9. Utah State

8 ) Conference USA

This may as well be the wild-card conference, because there’s just no telling what may happen once these teams hit the field. Houston is long on talent, but short on mental toughness and leadership. Central Florida returns 15 starters, has depth and talent in the receiver ranks, but the running game is suspect and there are questions about the quarterback position. Southern Miss is the model of consistency, yet can’t seem to crack seven wins, and East Carolina may start hijacking merchant ships.

Today's pirate: Less "Yarrrgh," more "Allah Akbar."

After all, we have a new face of piracy in the world, and perhaps it’s time ECU updated their look to be more in tune with the modern swashbuckler. After all, head coach Ruffin McNeill likely learned a lot about pirates from his last boss.

  1. Houston
  2. East Carolina
  3. Southern Miss
  4. UCF
  5. Memphis
  6. Marshall
  7. Tulsa
  8. Southern Methodist
  9. UTEP
  10. UAB
  11. Rice
  12. Tulane

7) Mountain West Conference

For a brief, shining moment, the Mountain West was poised to become the uber-”Small” conference. Unfortunately, right after Boise State made the announcement it was leaving the WAC to join, Utah bolted for the brights lights and the big city of the Pac-10.  All that does is remind us the tectonic shifting of conferences likely isn’t over yet; TCU is a prime pick to jump over that BCS fence if they were given an opportunity. Despite all that, for as long as it lasts, the Mountain West is still the best non-BCS conference out there.

  1. Utah
  2. TCU
  3. Brigham Young
  4. Air Force
  5. San Diego State
  6. New Mexico
  7. Wyoming
  8. Colorado State
  9. UNLV

6) Big East

Honestly, the Big East puzzles me. I never really have any respect for anybody in this conference, but there are always a couple of teams that look good…well, until they get to a bowl game. Since the Big East winner gets an automatic bid to the BCS dance, look for Connecticut to be the sacrificial lamb come January.

  1. Connecticut
  2. Pittsburgh
  3. West Virginia
  4. Cincinnati
  5. Louisville
  6. Rutgers
  7. South Florida
  8. Syracuse

5) ACC

Here’s another conference I don’t really understand. With a few exceptions, these teams are really all the same. Take the top seven teams in this conference, toss them up in the air and see which one lands first; North Carolina or Boston College could find themselves on top of this league as easily as one of the Techs. Likewise, the bottom five teams are all equally rancid; it is almost impossible to tell the difference between the level of awful going on at Maryland versus Duke.

  1. Georgia Tech
  2. Virginia Tech
  3. Clemson
  4. Miami (FL)
  5. Florida State
  6. North Carolina
  7. Boston College
  8. North Carolina State
  9. Maryland
  10. Wake Forest
  11. Virginia
  12. Duke

4) Pac-10

As emasculated as Oregon and USC have been by the justice system and the NCAA respectively, they are still better than anybody in either the ACC or the Big East. For those of you east coast people to whom football west of Texas is an unknown world, just wait for the inevitable bowl season when those conferences will give their usual dismal performance, whereas it will likely take the Big 10 winner to handle Oregon.

Asterisks or not, USC is still better than anybody in the Big East.

  1. Oregon
  2. USC
  3. Arizona
  4. California
  5. UCLA
  6. Stanford
  7. Oregon State
  8. Washington
  9. Arizona State
  10. Washington State

3) Big 12

Considering the Big 12 is in its swan song as a conference, this might not be the best time to point out Nits lameness. But I must; I may not have another  chance. First, there’s the supposedly-dominant Longhorns (yes, the same ones that were manhandled by Alabama) have lost to Kansas State twice in the last five years.   Nebraska has been consistenly the class of the Big 12 North, which is really the Kazakhistan of  BCS conference football, which qualifies them to be a red, western version of Michigan State once they join the Big Tweleveten. And then there’s Oklahoma. The Sooners are always a darling in August, and that “belle of the ball” status usually dies after the annual loss to Texas.

This is usually what an OU fan looks like after the Texas game.

  1. Texas
  2. Nebraska
  3. Oklahoma
  4. Oklahoma State
  5. Missouri
  6. Texas A&M
  7. Texas Tech
  8. Baylor
  9. Kansas
  10. Iowa State
  11. Kansas State
  12. Colorado

2) Big 10

Everybody loves to be down on the Big 10; every year we hear stuff about how the conference is really the the Big Three and the Insignificant Eight. Let’s not forget the Big Ten won two BCS bowl games last year, but that this conference produces at least four good football teams each season. Look for depth in this conference; the Big 10 will produce at least 7 bowl teams.

  1. Ohio State
  2. Penn State
  3. Iowa
  4. Michigan State
  5. Purdue
  6. Wisconsin
  7. Northwestern
  8. Minnesota
  9. Michigan
  10. Illinois
  11. Indiana

1) SEC

Clearly the best conference in the country, the SEC is the only conference other than the Big 10 that won two BCS games last year and will produce more than 6 bowl teams this year. The bottom line is since its inception in 1998, the SEC has owned the BCS. An SEC team has won 6 of the twelve title games, including the last four. You could have an all SEC title game if it weren’t for the SEC’s own championship game, which you can expect to be a Florida and Alabama affair again.

  1. Alabama
  2. Florida
  3. LSU
  4. Mississippi
  5. Auburn
  6. Georgia
  7. Tennessee
  8. South Carolina
  9. Arkansas
  10. Mississippi State
  11. Kentucky
  12. Vanderbilt

Overall Rankings:

  1. Alabama
  2. Florida
  3. Ohio State
  4. Texas
  5. Penn State
  6. LSU
  7. Utah
  8. Iowa
  9. Oregon
  10. Boise State
  11. Mississippi
  12. Auburn
  13. USC
  14. Georgia
  15. TCU
  16. Georgia Tech
  17. Nebraska
  18. Connecticut
  19. Pittsburgh
  20. Tennessee
  21. West Virginia
  22. Brigham Young
  23. Michigan State
  24. Oklahoma
  25. Virginia Tech
  26. Oklahoma State
  27. Cincinnati
  28. Arizona
  29. Purdue
  30. Clemson
  31. California
  32. UCLA
  33. Wisconsin
  34. Miami (FL)
  35. Florida State
  36. South Carolina
  37. Missouri
  38. Texas A&M
  39. Stanford
  40. Northwestern
  41. Minnesota
  42. Texas Tech
  43. Arkansas
  44. Oregon State
  45. Mississippi State
  46. Washington
  47. Navy
  48. North Carolina
  49. Kentucky
  50. Air Force
  51. Arizona State
  52. Baylor
  53. Boston College
  54. Michigan
  55. Illinois
  56. North Carolina State
  57. Vanderbilt
  58. Houston
  59. Louisville
  60. Kansas
  61. San Diego State
  62. Iowa State
  63. Kansas State
  64. East Carolina
  65. Maryland
  66. Fresno State
  67. Southern Miss
  68. UCF
  69. Rutgers
  70. South Florida
  71. New Mexico
  72. Wake Forest
  73. Colorado
  74. Wyoming
  75. Memphis
  76. Hawaii
  77. Notre Dame
  78. Virginia
  79. Temple
  80. Duke
  81. Marshall
  82. Tulsa
  83. Southern Methodist
  84. Toledo
  85. Colorado State
  86. Troy
  87. Indiana
  88. Kent State
  89. Middle Tennessee
  90. UTEP
  91. Syracuse
  92. Northern Illinois
  93. UNLV
  94. New Mexico State
  95. Washington State
  96. UAB
  97. Akron
  98. Nevada
  99. Idaho
  100. Western Kentucky
  101. North Texas
  102. Louisiana Tech
  103. Florida International
  104. San Jose State
  105. Western Michigan
  106. Arkansas State
  107. Rice
  108. Bowling Green
  109. Miami (OH)
  110. Utah State
  111. Ball State
  112. Central Michigan
  113. Tulane
  114. Louisiana-Monroe
  115. Buffalo
  116. Eastern Michigan
  117. Louisiana-Lafayette
  118. Army
  119. Ohio
  120. Florida Atlantic

I May Finally Have To Admit Joe Paterno Is Old

I’ve been saying for years that while Joe Paterno is chronologically 83 years old, he only gets called old when his detractors have a criticism. JoePa hasn’t been old since the Orange Bowl win in 2006, but it seems to some he is getting old again. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find an article on Penn State football that doesn’t reference Paterno’s age or start bringing up examples. I’ve heard these sorts of rumbles before; a cornucopia of rehashings of four years ago when JoePa sprinted off the field in the middle of the game at Ohio State because he had to go to the bathroom. Then’s there’s two years ago when his bad hip wouldn’t allow him to stand on the sidelines.

These calls of “Joe is old” always come from those who have wanted the elder statesman of college football to step aside; those calls peaked in concert with Penn State’s struggles at the beginning of the decade, waned with the resurgence of the Nittany Lions in the middle of the decade, and his incapability of walking the sidelines for games is now furthering them. Paterno’s defenders, such as myself, point out that Penn State is coming off consecutive 11-win seasons for the first time since 1985-1986, and is facing a schedule in 2010 making Penn State the first team to face three teams that won BCS bowls (Ohio State, Iowa, and Alabama) in the previous season. That doesn’t look or sound like the doings of an “old” man.

Then I saw Paterno at the Big Tweleveten’s  annual media day.

I was literally shocked at what I saw.

Since the Blue-White intrasquad scrimmage in April, there has been a seriously noticeable decline in JoePa’s health. Paterno fought a couple of health issues over the summer; he had a dental infection that required antibiotics, and he had a reaction to those medications. Normally, those tend to be minor issues, but they seemed to take a major toll on an 83-year old. Media day was his first public appearance since the intrasquad game in April, and he seemed so much more like an “old” man then he ever has.

You know what they say, the cane always adds 20 years.

I get that he looked “old” a few years ago when he was being shuttled on a golf cart or ambling about with that cane, but that was when he was in obvious pain from an arthritic hip and/or a knee taken out by a Badger tight end. Then, he wore the frown of a tough guy fighting pain. Now, he shows no pain at all. Nor does he show his usual disdain for media events. Rather, his speech was slow, slurred, and featured none of JoePa’s usual sharp wit or incisive commentary. In fact, he seemed a bit of a doddering old man who just rambles on about whatever pops into his head. “Old” or not, that’s never been Paterno’s style.

Paterno’s modus operandi has always been one of incredible energy; energy that has always outstripped what it seemed his slight frame could contain. Before the knee injury he suffered during the Wisconsin game in 2006, Paterno was the only octogenarian I knew who ran from the tunnel onto the field every Saturday with his team. Paterno press conferences were at once an exercise in humility and a display of Paterno’s sense of sarcasm illustrating his disdain of the pointless and silly. Nobody could rip apart a reporter asking an inane question and still seem grandfatherly like Paterno. Now, he just seems like a grandfather.

That’s not an insult; nor am I suggesting that it is time for Joe to go. Rather, I would ask you to think about the cherished elders of your own family. The memories you hold most dear are when they were at their most vibrant. If you are my age, everybody’s house had a picture of one or both grandfathers in uniforms from World War II. If you are my age, you’ve never seen a sunrise under which Joe Paterno was not the head coach at Penn State. And if you are like me in your belief that Joe Paterno may be the single-most important figure in the history of college football, you were so busy watching him quietly become a larger-than-life figure that you missed the gradual downslope, especially since it was masked by so much success in the past few years.

Can't you just picture JoePa in the Marlon Brando role in "The Wild One?"

As much as I would like it to be, there aren’t two Joe Paternos; there is not both the legendary coach who in the minds of all true Penn State fans can still ride into your town on a Harley, take all your women, drink all your beer, and still find time to destroy your football team who then morphs into the kindly-yet-stern, occasionally temperamental grandfather. Even if there were two Paternos, they would both be made of the real Joe, which sadly is not immortal unlike the legacy he will ultimately leave.

And it is that legacy that compels the “Joe should go” crowd to, for lack of a better term, shut the fuck up. A lot of the squawking you’ve heard this week hasn’t really been about Paterno’s health at all. Instead, it is coming from a collage of self-centered boosters, fans, and alumni echoed by some reporters who care only of the won-loss record, and not for the man who built that which they cherish.

When Joe Paterno first arrived in State College as an assistant coach in 1950, Penn State was a “cow college” of which nobody had ever heard stashed away in the coal-mining and logging hills of central Pennsylvania. Now, The Pennsylvania State University is one of the pre-eminent research universities in the world and boasts one of the largest football stadia in this country; Joe Paterno played a major role in building both of them. As he built the football program into one of the best in the land, he was paid handsomely. However, with that income, Paterno in turn has donated millions to the university; so much so they named a library for him. You can’t swing a dead cat in a BCS conference without hitting a statue of an immortalized coach, but it’s hard to fire a guy whose name is on the library.

Trust me, it has a hell of a lot more than playbooks.

The man may have slowed down, but the program is still riding a wave of energy Paterno has been building for 60 years. It is easy to forget when Paterno started, television barely existed, and therefore was not a factor. In fact, when television began its relationship with college football,  there were coaches and NCAA officials who were worried it would kill attendance. It is that same energy that makes what he has accomplished in the latter part of his career possible. Paterno’s Nittany Lions have won at least nine games each year since 2005; three times they’ve notched at least 11 victories, and have been to the Rose Bowl once. Remember that all of this came after the dark years at the beginning of the decade when the “Joe should go” chants were the loudest.

Given all that success, one of the most impressive things Paterno has done is keep his coaching staff largely intact. People always talk about “coaching trees,” as in how many of a coaches’ disciples move on to head coaching jobs of their own. For example, even though Pete Carroll left town before Southern Cal landed in the NCAA’s doghouse (somewhere a Paterno team has never been, by the way…), he opened the doors for many of his staff to join the head coaching ranks. Lane Kiffin, Ed Orgeron, Steve Sarkisian, and Norm Chow (to name a few) all had their careers furthered by their association with Carroll. What better career builder could there possibly be in college football than having “Paterno” on your resume?

Don’t forget having “Paterno” on a resume means being associated with not only a living legend, but more bowl wins than anybody, two national championships (which should be at least three, and most likely four, but I don’t want to get into that argument here), five undefeated seasons, scores of All-Americans, a Heisman trophy winner, and a sizeable number of Hall-of-Famers, both at the collegiate and professional levels. Oh, and don’t forget JoePa is on the verge of 400 career wins, a number reached by nobody at the Division I level, and only reached by fellow legends Eddie Robinson of Grambling State (408) and John Gagliardi of St. John’s (Minnesota) (471).

What does this all mean? Simply stated, it means Paterno doesn’t need to be patrolling the sidelines, he doesn’t need to be on Twitter, and he’s doesn’t need to be in every living room on recruiting trips. He built the Penn State program into what it is; in fact he played a major role in building the whole damn university into what it is. He’s built a resume that no coach will ever again build, and anybody who is foolish enough not to relish the opportunity to draw water from the deepest well of knowledge in the history of the game isn’t worthy of wearing Penn State blue.

In short, as long as JoePa is JoePa, he should be revered and treasured for what he has done for Penn State and college football in general. I’m more than willing to admit that Joe may be showing the signs of age, but he still remains as the most important figure in the history of college football.

As it should be.

If Joe Paterno wants the end of his run to come on the sideline, or in the press booth, or in the president of Penn State’s office, he’s earned that right.  Meanwhile, you assholes who have been surfing the wave of success in the ocean Paterno created while saying he is no longer fit for the job need to shut your mouths until you get the gravitas having a library named after you brings.

Until then, shut your mouth or I will come to your house and shut it for you, most likely by hitting you in the face with a shovel.


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