The Dubsism 2014 NCAA All-”Tractor” Traylor Memorial Team

23 03 2014

robert tractor traylor

Raise your hand if you remember Robert “Tractor” Traylor. For those of you whose hands are at their sides, let me refresh you. Traylor was a McDonald’s high-school All-American the same year as Kevin Garnett, Vince Carter and Paul Pierce.  At the University of Michigan, Traylor’s impressive size (6’8″, and north of 300 pounds)  helped lead the Wolverines to the 1997 NIT title and was named the tournament’s MVP. Traylor cemented his status as a big-time big body in his junior year when he averaged 16.2 points and 10 rebounds while leading his team to the inaugural Big Ten Tournament championship.

After his career at Michigan (which ended under some controversy and NCAA sanctions for the Wolverines) Traylor was drafted by the Dallas Mavericks with the sixth overall pick in the 1998 NBA Draft, after which he was promptly traded to the Milwaukee Bucks for one guy you never heard of (Pat Garrity), and one guy you may know (Dirk Nowitzki).  Traylor’s NBA career also included stints with the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Charlotte/New Orleans Hornets, and even a failed trade to the New Jersey Nets. The stat line showed Traylor as a 14.3 minutes, 47% from the field, and 3.7 total rebounds per game.

Traylor’s planet-like girth also carried him tto the world of global hoops; teams like Antalya Kepez Belediyesi in the Turkish league, NSB Napoli in the Italian league, Halcones UV Xalapa in the Mexican league, and Cangrejeros de Santurce and Bayamon Cowboys in Puerto Rican league all got to have 5XL uniforms made to fit the “Tractor.”

Sadly, the “Tractor” passed away in 2011, but the first weekend of this NCAA Basketball Tournament showed us several guys who could easily match up to Traylor’s carriage. The trouble is that all of the guys we found in this yearr’ tournament have already had their “March Madness come to an end.  So, in case you missed them, here are the five starters on our All-”Tractor” Traylor Memorial team.

The Alanis Morrisette-level irony is that as heavy as this team is, it is also not-so-shockingly light on guards.

Read the rest of this entry »





The Top 10 Football Factories – And Some That Didn’t Make The List

20 04 2011

With the NFL Draft looming, I found a list courtesy of the NFL Network featuring the schools consider to be the Top Ten Football Factories. We here at Dubsism took that list and crossed it against each schools three arguably most interesting players. Be mindful of the fact this list was devised and ordered by the NFL Network and not us, which is why before you write us nasty letters about it, wait for our comments at the end so you can be REALLY pissed when you comment.

10) Tennessee

Their  Top Three – Peyton Manning, Reggie White, Doug Atkins

Those are three top-flight hall-of-famers, and that’s only part of the reason why Tennessee belongs on this list. In terms of college football, Tennessee has a long history; the Volunteers were the power of the SEC before Bear Bryant and Alabama. Of course, recent history hasn’t been kind to the Vols, and that’s just fine with me, since Tenneesee still grinds my gears.

9) The Mid-America Conference (MAC)

Their Top Three – Jack Lambert, Ben Roethlisberger, Randy Moss

Honestly, this entry caused the most discussion amongst the staff here at Dubsism; at least no punches were thrown this time, but suffice it to say there are several staffers here who fervently believe it is wrong to include an entire conference. In defense of the MAC, that’s a pretty solid Top Three as compared to some of the others on this list. I would like to believe the MAC is here to represent the contributions of all small schools, but more importantly, look at what those three represent – a toothless psychopath, a multi-ringed “may-be” rapist, and complete douchebag.

8 ) Syracuse

Their Top Three – Jim Brown, John Mackey, Donovan McNabb

This is just the saddest story on this list; the classic case of how the mighty have fallen. In my lifetime, I’ve watched the Orange go from the pride of eastern football to a team that can barely stay afloat in the weakest big conference in football. I blame it all on Dick MacPherson, their Hall-of-Fame coach who steadily built the Orangemen into an Eastern football power. One of SU’s most stunning wins during MacPherson’s tenure came in 1984 when the Orangemen upset then No. 1 Nebraska, 17-9. MacPherson later bolted from the Orange, trying to parlay his success in college into a career in the NFL, but his two years stint with the New England Patriots..well, let’s just say calling it an “abject failure” is being kind. Sadly, the Orange have been rancid ever since.

7) Penn State

Their Top Three – Jack Ham, Lenny Moore, John Cappelletti

This is another case of a school getting its coach hired away by the New England Patriots. Back in 1972, the Patriots offered Joe Paterno a contract which have made him football’s first million-dollar coach, a contract which JoePa accepted. However, his tenure as an NFL coach lasted less than 12 hours; the morning after signing the deal, Paterno called the Patriots to tell them the deal was off. Had Paterno left, it is a certainty the Nittany Lions would have languished at the bottom of college football for decades; just look at what happened to Syracuse. Hell, it could have been worse, look at what happened to SMU when Ron Meyer left for New England.

6) Alabama

Their Top Three – Joe Namath, John Hannah, Derrick Thomas

Given their history, there is not anybody young or old who didn’t picture this team on this list. And why not? Alabama has always paid as well, if not better than any NFL franchise.

5) Michigan

Their Top Three – Dan Dierdorf, Tom Brady, President Gerald Ford

There’s only three other schools that have produced both a Super Bowl winning quarterback and a U.S. President – Navy (Roger Staubach/Jimmy Carter), Stanford (John Elway & Jim Plunkett/Herbert Hoover), and Miami of Ohio (Ben Roethislberger/Benjamin Harrison), but Michigan is the only one whose quarterback has won the Super Bowl three times (Tom Brady) and whose President was also an All-American offensive lineman. Despite that, Michigan also grinds my gears.

It saya a lot about Michigan when their alums appear on TV wearing Penn State gear.

4) Ohio State

Their Top Three – Jim Parker, Paul Warfield, Cris Carter

Another school with long history, and a new problem. Nobody can deny Ohio State has pumped hundreds of players into the NFL, but given the stuff swirling around the football program these days, one starts wondering how many hundreds are going to be pumped into the pockets of defense attorneys and bail bondsmen in the near future.  Given that, it shouldn’t shock anybody the effect Ohio State has on my gears.

3) Notre Dame

Their Top Three – Joe Montana, Paul Hornung, Alan Page

It is about time law enforcment looked into the Irish problem.

Now, Notre Dame is a team that produces more corpses with scissor-lifts and sexual assault reports than it does NFL talent, but let’s not forget this list is historically  all-inclusive.  The way things look in south Bend now, it is feasible the Fighting Irish could be moving down this list over time; Notre Dame doesn’t look to be a top-flight program anytime soon.

2) Miami, FL

Their Top Three – Jim Kelly, Ray Lewis, Michael Irvin

If Notre Dame represents the oldest of history, Miami is the other side of the college football coin; the Hurricanes were hardly a breeze until the 1980′s. But in that time they have produced an astonishing amount of talent. But they also spent most of the 80′s being completely hateable, leading to one of my favorite moments in all of college football – Pete Giftopoulous’ interception at the end of the 4th quarter of the 1987 Fiesta Bowl, giving Penn State the national championship over Miami.

1) Southern Cal

Their Top Three – Ronnie Lott, Bruce Matthews, O.J. Simpson

In most cities with multiple professional sports franchises, there’s a “pecking order” in terms who gets fan support no matter what; the team which is always in the spotlight.  In New York, the top of the food chain is inhabited by the Yankees and the Knicks. In Chicago, that honor belongs to the Cubs and the Bears. In Los Angeles, its the Lakers and USC. Make no mistake, the Trojans are every bit a professional franchise; they’ve got the NCAA sanctions to prove it. Long before that, there’s reason I called them them U$¢ (The University of Dollars and Cents).

The thing that really struck the staff here at Dubsism was not the teams on the list (other than that whole MAC thing), but some of the teams not on it.

Texas – Their Top Three – Earl Campbell, Bobby Layne, Tommy Nobis

Their exclusion has to be because for close to 25 years after the Darrell Royal era, for the most part Texas became an afterthought on the national landscape.

OklahomaTheir Top Three – Lee Roy Selmon, Billy Sims, Tommy McDonald

The Sooners got left off the list for two words – Brian Bosworth.

PurdueTheir Top Three – Len Dawson, Bob Griese, Drew Brees

Ok, I know this one is a stretch, but I would put West Lafayette Vo-Tech Purdue on the list over an entire conference just on quarterbacks alone. Alabama is the only other school that has produced three Super Bowl winning quarterbacks (Bart Starr, Joe Namath, Ken Stabler) and the three produced by Purdue are to a man better quarterbacks than the three coming from the Tide. Then there’s all the other legit NFL quarterbacks this school has produced other than the ones already mentioned -  Gary Danielson, Bob DeMoss, Jim Everett, Jeff George (transferred/got kicked out to Illinois), Mark Herrmann, Mike Phipps, and the Greatest Athlete in the History of Ever, Kyle Orton.

GramblingTheir Top Three – Everson Walls, Doug Williams, Charlie Joiner

Eddie Robinson produced so much NFL talent – a list of the players he prepared for NFL success reads like a list of guys you forgot about, but when you read the list, its a never-ending parade of “how the hell did I forget that guy!” Look past the three we already mentioned – there’s still Buck Buchanan, Ernie “Big Cat” Ladd, Sammy White, Trumaine Johnson, James Harris, Willie Brown, Willie Davis, “Tank” Younger, and 1976 Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner.





Famous Sports Rivalries In Which I Hate Both Sides

20 03 2011

The sporting world is full of rivalries which engender so much passion there are clear battle lines drawn between the camps. But what happens to those of us who may feel animus toward both sides? Here’s a list of several such examples that make the collective colon here at Dubsism slam shut like a steel bear trap.

12 ) Chicago Cubs vs. Chicago White Sox

It is almost impossible to find two teams that exemplify their shit-hole of a city more. Where better to put the two retarded little brothers of baseball who while steeped in history have accounted for one championship in 90 years than in one of the largest cities in the world that matters the least to anybody?

11) LeBron James vs. the City of Cleveland

Sometimes, you really have to wonder if we have completely succeeded in this country in growing a generation of complete morons we’ve put on pedestals. Nobody in the world would have blamed LeBron James for leaving Cleveland; nobody wants to be in Cleveland.  It’s little more than a “Mini-Me” to Chicago; a rust-belt, blue-collar city that nobody wants to be in; Cleveland’s population has been dropping steadily for 80 years. All he had to do was not be a douche-bag about it.  It really leaves you in a situation where you can’t figure out who is dumber, LeBron for screwing up a move millions of Clevelanders have made themselves or those same Clevelanders for managing collectively to sound like a bitter ex-wife.

10) Montreal Canadiens vs. Toronto Maple Leafs

Hate is actually too strong a term for this. The problem is the “Rhett Butler” approach is too weak, but it is closer to accurate.  Let’s face it;  I don’t really give a damn. I spent big chunks of my childhood in Southern California, which isn’t exactly where you develop strong feelings about Canadian hockey teams, and even though I loved the old-school Los Angeles Kings (seriously, we are talking about the pre-Gretzky Kings with the purple and gold uniforms that clothed an NHL retirement home; the Kings of my childhood featured such past-their-prime legends like Butch Goring and Marcel Dionne), you couldn’t watch the 12-team NHL of the 1970′s without knowing these two teams hated each other.  All I cared about in those days is that both of these teams arrived at the L.A. Forum with a boatload of Canadians who weren’t past their prime and put as ass-whipping on the Kings.  Even to this day, all I can say is “screw both of them; Canada sucks.”

9) Manchester United vs. Manchester City

For those of you not familiar with the English Premier League, picture this rivalry with the Red Devils of Manchester United as the New York Yankees with Manchester City as the old Brooklyn Dodgers. You perhaps didn’t really like the Dodgers, but they made a perfect underdog foil to those goddamn Yankees. But then the Dodgers went Hollywood, started winning and blew their lovability in the process, much like the Los Angeles Dodgers. 15 years ago, Man City was lovable in their feebleness, but then new ownership pumped that team full of money, and now they are every bit as douche-tastic as their cross-town rivals.

8 ) Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins

As a Philadelphia Eagle fan, this one is really a no-brainer. There’s an old saying that culture in an organization comes from the top down, and Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder are a marvelous reflection of that. While we here at Dubsism have postulated that Al Davis makes the Oakland Raiders the “North Korea of the NFL,” Jones and Snyder are both in line to ascend to the NFL’s “Crazy Old Man Owner” throne. Thankfully, their leadership (or lack thereof) has made these two franchises combine for a grand total of three playoff wins in the past 15 years.

7) Oklahoma Sooners vs. Texas Longhorns

Our Proposed Logo for the "Red River Rivalry"

The way these two preen over that silly Saturday in October…well, it really is sad to think either of these two believe anybody gives a shit about them or their “make-believe” rivalry.  It’s really sad that a couple of goofy-ass schools like Nebraska and Colorado are the ones who figured out the Big 12 is a repository for football nobody cares about.

6) Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings vs. Chicago Bears

This is much like the “love triangle” situation outline in the 1980 J. Geils’ Band hit “Love Stinks.” The Vikings think the Packers are their main rival, The Packers think the Bears are their main rival, and neither the Packers or the Bears even know who the Vikings are.

5) Arsenal vs. Chelsea

More from the English Premier League, so I will make another baseball reference…Earlier I compared Manchester United to the Yankees. Continuing on this theme, Arsenal would be the Red Sox and Chelsea would be the Mets, only if the Mets didn’t suck. They are two of the biggest clubs in the league, and they can buy pretty much any player they want. Whenever these two get together, it is an exercise in dysfunction that somehow manages to be successful, like a photo negative of the Dallas Cowboys.

4) Auburn vs. Alabama

When these two compete in the annual “Iron Bowl,” they are battling for the bragging right for the entire state of Alabama. This is like two bums fighting over the least piss-stained raincoat at Goodwill. Do you know what the best thing that ever came out of the state of Alabama was? An empty bus.  Alabama is just a collection of bimbos whose boyfriends still think Bear Bryant is alive, and Auburn thinks it is a real university.

3) Duke vs. North Carolina

What can we say about Duke that we haven’t said before? No matter their record, no matter their talent, no matter anything, Duke sucks.  As much as we have beat on Mike Krzyzewski for being a pompous ass-hat, North Carolina’s Roy Williams is in the same league, and not just figuratively. My favorite was last spring when Williams compared having a losing ACC record to the earthquake in Haiti.

“Our massage therapist told me, ‘You know, coach, what happened in Haiti is a catastrophe. What you’re having is a disappointment,’ ” said Williams. “I told her that depends on what chair you’re sitting in. It does feel like a catastrophe to me, because it is my life.”

I’m not sure what the state of North Carolina did to deserve such a pair of pure, uncut assholes, but better them than the rest of us.

2) Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees

The Yankees – Red Sox rivalry is one of the oldest, most famous and fiercest rivalries in North American professional sports.  For over 100 years, Major League Baseball’s Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees of the American League have been intense rivals.  For nearly as long, fans of both teams have thoroughly annoyed the living shit out of the rest of us.

The rivalry is sometimes so polarizing that it is often a heated subject, like religion or politics, in the Northeastern United States.  In fact, since ESPN is also based in the Northeastern US, they believe the Yankees and the Red Sox are the only two teams in Major League Baseball, judging by their broadcast schedule.

1) Michigan Wolverines vs. Ohio State Buckeyes

College football gives us the twelve greatest Saturdays of the year, and it also give us the two greatest evils in sports. Ohio State and Michigan both represent all that is wrong with college football, and every evil that it contains.  Recent events have shown that Jim Tressel, a.k.a. Cheatypants McSweatervest is a disingenuous, lying prick, and the Michigan fan base just hasn’t come to terms with the fact they are not an elite program anymore. I can only hope and pray that the NCAA grows the balls to make an example out of Ohio State, but they likely won’t, and I hope it takes Michigan at least three more head coaches before they figure out that “elite” programs don’t get man-handled by Purdue.





The 2010 Dubsism Pre-Season College Football Rankings

12 08 2010

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. There is a rule in the blogosphere that says if you tag more than three posts with “college football,” you are required to do a pre-season ranking. It’s really almost like a chain letter; failing to engage is such willful prognostication can mean your goodies will swell into purple soccer balls before they burst and drop right off. Not only that, but you are forced to sit in front of Lou Holtz without a spit shield. Since I can barely swim…

Granny's trying to wet the wettest whistle in the history of wet whistles (reaches for a squeegee).

Teams are rated within their conference, and the conferences are ranked in order of overall strength.

Plus, since here at Dubsism we are believers in the yin and yang of things, we felt it necessary not only to do the obligatory Top 25 list, but a comprehensive list as well. Why? Because for every team that should be admired for its prowess, there is one that should be pitied for its ineptitude.

Independents:

The special category for Army, Navy, and that school in Indiana that used to mean something. Every year, Notre Dame gets more attention than they deserve; a phenomenon that continues up to that point when the Irish get such a crushing loss that every the most ardent Notre Dame fan has no choice but to admit they simply aren’t very good. Even though the Irish have their typically soft schedule, the hype really should be over by the third quarter of the Purdue game.

Thankfully, there is an Independent worth discussing. The Navy Midshipmen have built a program that is now worthy of a discussion wondering how good they will be rather than if they will be any good. Top that off with quarterback Ricky Dobbs, who is the best player you’ve never heard of. His name would be on all our lips were he at a “traditional” football power rather than preparing to serve his country.

  1. Navy
  2. Notre Dame
  3. Army

11) Sun Belt Conference

Yeah, this is really Division I football, but it has a way to go to be the little brother of top-flight college football. Right now, it is more like a fetal version of a real conference; there are some signs of life beginning to develop. The Sun Belt has produced 9- and 10-win teams. Sun Belt teams have scored victories over big-conference teams; just a few years ago Louisiana-Monroe beat Alabama, Troy shocked Oklahoma State, and FAU took out a weak, but still BCS conference Minnesota all in the same season. Arkansas State upset Texas A&M in 2008 and in 2009 almost scored a road win over Iowa, falling 24-21.

The second trimester is denoted by a road win over a BCS conference team.

Another sign that this conference is developing is the fact it has an increasing number of top-quality players; this year’s class includes Middle Tennessee State’s Dwight Dasher, Troy’s Jerrel Jernigan and Florida International’s T.Y. Hilton.

  1. Troy
  2. Middle Tennessee
  3. Western Kentucky
  4. North Texas
  5. Florida International
  6. Arkansas State
  7. Louisiana-Monroe
  8. Louisiana-Lafayette
  9. Florida Atlantic

10) MAC

It’s easy to say the MAC is like a mini-me to the Big Ten, except the MAC doesn’t have bloated, over-rated teams that can’t get it done on the field (read that as “Michigan.”) Nine straight wins means there just might be a new “Golden Era” in Philadelphia. These aren’t the Temple Owls that stumbled affably toward, yet never achieving respectability. Now, the goal is to win the conference, which would’ve likely happened in 2009 had it not been for an injury to star running back Bernard Pierce.

  1. Temple
  2. Toledo
  3. Kent State
  4. Northern Illinois
  5. Akron
  6. Western Michigan
  7. Bowling Green
  8. Miami (OH)
  9. Ball State
  10. Central Michigan
  11. Buffalo
  12. Eastern Michigan
  13. Ohio

9) WAC

Boise State defines the term “big fish in a small pond.” While the Broncos enter the Dubsism pre-season rankings in the Top Ten, you have to scroll all the way to #65 to find the next WAC member. But this fish is no less dangerous just because it comes from a small pond; you wouldn’t fuck with Jaws just because he was in your hot tub.

We're going to need a bigger tub.

Don’t look now, but Boise State has won 26 of their last 27 games, including two man-handlings of Oregon and handing a very-good TCU it’s walking papers from the ranks of the undefeated.  They finished No. 4 in the AP poll last year, they are returning over 20 starters, and this is a program that has won two BCS Bowl games in the last four years, which means you have to consider this team, goofy blue field and all, a legitimate national championship contender.

  1. Boise State
  2. Fresno State
  3. Hawaii
  4. New Mexico State
  5. Nevada
  6. Idaho
  7. Louisiana Tech
  8. San Jose State
  9. Utah State

8 ) Conference USA

This may as well be the wild-card conference, because there’s just no telling what may happen once these teams hit the field. Houston is long on talent, but short on mental toughness and leadership. Central Florida returns 15 starters, has depth and talent in the receiver ranks, but the running game is suspect and there are questions about the quarterback position. Southern Miss is the model of consistency, yet can’t seem to crack seven wins, and East Carolina may start hijacking merchant ships.

Today's pirate: Less "Yarrrgh," more "Allah Akbar."

After all, we have a new face of piracy in the world, and perhaps it’s time ECU updated their look to be more in tune with the modern swashbuckler. After all, head coach Ruffin McNeill likely learned a lot about pirates from his last boss.

  1. Houston
  2. East Carolina
  3. Southern Miss
  4. UCF
  5. Memphis
  6. Marshall
  7. Tulsa
  8. Southern Methodist
  9. UTEP
  10. UAB
  11. Rice
  12. Tulane

7) Mountain West Conference

For a brief, shining moment, the Mountain West was poised to become the uber-”Small” conference. Unfortunately, right after Boise State made the announcement it was leaving the WAC to join, Utah bolted for the brights lights and the big city of the Pac-10.  All that does is remind us the tectonic shifting of conferences likely isn’t over yet; TCU is a prime pick to jump over that BCS fence if they were given an opportunity. Despite all that, for as long as it lasts, the Mountain West is still the best non-BCS conference out there.

  1. Utah
  2. TCU
  3. Brigham Young
  4. Air Force
  5. San Diego State
  6. New Mexico
  7. Wyoming
  8. Colorado State
  9. UNLV

6) Big East

Honestly, the Big East puzzles me. I never really have any respect for anybody in this conference, but there are always a couple of teams that look good…well, until they get to a bowl game. Since the Big East winner gets an automatic bid to the BCS dance, look for Connecticut to be the sacrificial lamb come January.

  1. Connecticut
  2. Pittsburgh
  3. West Virginia
  4. Cincinnati
  5. Louisville
  6. Rutgers
  7. South Florida
  8. Syracuse

5) ACC

Here’s another conference I don’t really understand. With a few exceptions, these teams are really all the same. Take the top seven teams in this conference, toss them up in the air and see which one lands first; North Carolina or Boston College could find themselves on top of this league as easily as one of the Techs. Likewise, the bottom five teams are all equally rancid; it is almost impossible to tell the difference between the level of awful going on at Maryland versus Duke.

  1. Georgia Tech
  2. Virginia Tech
  3. Clemson
  4. Miami (FL)
  5. Florida State
  6. North Carolina
  7. Boston College
  8. North Carolina State
  9. Maryland
  10. Wake Forest
  11. Virginia
  12. Duke

4) Pac-10

As emasculated as Oregon and USC have been by the justice system and the NCAA respectively, they are still better than anybody in either the ACC or the Big East. For those of you east coast people to whom football west of Texas is an unknown world, just wait for the inevitable bowl season when those conferences will give their usual dismal performance, whereas it will likely take the Big 10 winner to handle Oregon.

Asterisks or not, USC is still better than anybody in the Big East.

  1. Oregon
  2. USC
  3. Arizona
  4. California
  5. UCLA
  6. Stanford
  7. Oregon State
  8. Washington
  9. Arizona State
  10. Washington State

3) Big 12

Considering the Big 12 is in its swan song as a conference, this might not be the best time to point out Nits lameness. But I must; I may not have another  chance. First, there’s the supposedly-dominant Longhorns (yes, the same ones that were manhandled by Alabama) have lost to Kansas State twice in the last five years.   Nebraska has been consistenly the class of the Big 12 North, which is really the Kazakhistan of  BCS conference football, which qualifies them to be a red, western version of Michigan State once they join the Big Tweleveten. And then there’s Oklahoma. The Sooners are always a darling in August, and that “belle of the ball” status usually dies after the annual loss to Texas.

This is usually what an OU fan looks like after the Texas game.

  1. Texas
  2. Nebraska
  3. Oklahoma
  4. Oklahoma State
  5. Missouri
  6. Texas A&M
  7. Texas Tech
  8. Baylor
  9. Kansas
  10. Iowa State
  11. Kansas State
  12. Colorado

2) Big 10

Everybody loves to be down on the Big 10; every year we hear stuff about how the conference is really the the Big Three and the Insignificant Eight. Let’s not forget the Big Ten won two BCS bowl games last year, but that this conference produces at least four good football teams each season. Look for depth in this conference; the Big 10 will produce at least 7 bowl teams.

  1. Ohio State
  2. Penn State
  3. Iowa
  4. Michigan State
  5. Purdue
  6. Wisconsin
  7. Northwestern
  8. Minnesota
  9. Michigan
  10. Illinois
  11. Indiana

1) SEC

Clearly the best conference in the country, the SEC is the only conference other than the Big 10 that won two BCS games last year and will produce more than 6 bowl teams this year. The bottom line is since its inception in 1998, the SEC has owned the BCS. An SEC team has won 6 of the twelve title games, including the last four. You could have an all SEC title game if it weren’t for the SEC’s own championship game, which you can expect to be a Florida and Alabama affair again.

  1. Alabama
  2. Florida
  3. LSU
  4. Mississippi
  5. Auburn
  6. Georgia
  7. Tennessee
  8. South Carolina
  9. Arkansas
  10. Mississippi State
  11. Kentucky
  12. Vanderbilt

Overall Rankings:

  1. Alabama
  2. Florida
  3. Ohio State
  4. Texas
  5. Penn State
  6. LSU
  7. Utah
  8. Iowa
  9. Oregon
  10. Boise State
  11. Mississippi
  12. Auburn
  13. USC
  14. Georgia
  15. TCU
  16. Georgia Tech
  17. Nebraska
  18. Connecticut
  19. Pittsburgh
  20. Tennessee
  21. West Virginia
  22. Brigham Young
  23. Michigan State
  24. Oklahoma
  25. Virginia Tech
  26. Oklahoma State
  27. Cincinnati
  28. Arizona
  29. Purdue
  30. Clemson
  31. California
  32. UCLA
  33. Wisconsin
  34. Miami (FL)
  35. Florida State
  36. South Carolina
  37. Missouri
  38. Texas A&M
  39. Stanford
  40. Northwestern
  41. Minnesota
  42. Texas Tech
  43. Arkansas
  44. Oregon State
  45. Mississippi State
  46. Washington
  47. Navy
  48. North Carolina
  49. Kentucky
  50. Air Force
  51. Arizona State
  52. Baylor
  53. Boston College
  54. Michigan
  55. Illinois
  56. North Carolina State
  57. Vanderbilt
  58. Houston
  59. Louisville
  60. Kansas
  61. San Diego State
  62. Iowa State
  63. Kansas State
  64. East Carolina
  65. Maryland
  66. Fresno State
  67. Southern Miss
  68. UCF
  69. Rutgers
  70. South Florida
  71. New Mexico
  72. Wake Forest
  73. Colorado
  74. Wyoming
  75. Memphis
  76. Hawaii
  77. Notre Dame
  78. Virginia
  79. Temple
  80. Duke
  81. Marshall
  82. Tulsa
  83. Southern Methodist
  84. Toledo
  85. Colorado State
  86. Troy
  87. Indiana
  88. Kent State
  89. Middle Tennessee
  90. UTEP
  91. Syracuse
  92. Northern Illinois
  93. UNLV
  94. New Mexico State
  95. Washington State
  96. UAB
  97. Akron
  98. Nevada
  99. Idaho
  100. Western Kentucky
  101. North Texas
  102. Louisiana Tech
  103. Florida International
  104. San Jose State
  105. Western Michigan
  106. Arkansas State
  107. Rice
  108. Bowling Green
  109. Miami (OH)
  110. Utah State
  111. Ball State
  112. Central Michigan
  113. Tulane
  114. Louisiana-Monroe
  115. Buffalo
  116. Eastern Michigan
  117. Louisiana-Lafayette
  118. Army
  119. Ohio
  120. Florida Atlantic




Understanding the Conference That Was The Big 12 Through a Comparison to Stuff in My Kitchen

10 06 2010

Since it seems the college football world is about to undergo the tectonic shift of conference re-alignment we’ve all been waiting for, it may be time for us here at Dubsism to introduce you to a conference and its members with whom you may not be all that familiar.

When it comes to the Big Twelve, everybody has knowledge of the big dogs;  Texas, Oklahoma, and Nebraska have all seen there share of the national television spotlight.  While the fan bases of this conference are seemingly enduring a diaspora, those fans are going to see teams on their schedules in the near future of which they likely will know absolutely nothing.

Luckily, there is a way to prevent such a tragedy. All sports teams have a personality; we here at Dubsism intend to enlighten those of you possibly  dawning a new era by comparing a team which you may know little about to a better-known entity; in this case everyday items found in my kitchen.

Iowa State – Ketchup

And not just for those idiotic all-red uniforms. Sure, it’s bland, only good for one thing and taken for granted, but the hamburger that seemingly was the Big 12 wouldn’t be the same without it. After all, Baylor’s gotta beat somebody on the road.

Nebraska –Vodka

Honestly, I can’t stand vodka. I only keep it around because so many other people seem to like it. That’s probably the same reason the Big 12 kept hanging on to these corn-wearing knuckleheads. At least the Callahan years turned most Husker fans into this guy (not really safe for work, but hilarious nevertheless).

Colorado – Maxwell House coffee

Another thing that isn’t my favorite, but some people just ain’t gonna get the fresh-ground Kona roast. The usually mediocre Buffaloes were perfect for the Big 12 to serve up to a bowl game to which they make the obligatory “morning-after” promise to call, but never do.

Kansas – Pasta

To get you there on this one requires a sub-reference – pasta can be like women; good top-quality pasta is the “girl you take home to Mom.” Every once in a while, the Jayhawks make you fall in love, like with a Gayle Sayers, John Riggins, or more recently Mark Mangino’s offense. At times like this, Kansas is certainly that kind of woman who gets the candles and the soft music to seal the deal. The trouble is at other times, Jayhawk football can make the quality of the pasta irrelevant, as they made it overcooked and uselessly limp.

Kansas State –  Spaghettio’s

Known to be fond of a hard (throwing) Lynn Dickey.

We all know this is closer to the “whore” end of the pasta spectrum, resplendent in its cheap, yet tantalizing sauce, and waving those firm, round, oh-so-fake “meatballs” in your face.  K-State football so wants the respect pasta gets, but with this girl, a hummer in your Ford F-150 could only be six to eight MGDs away. Worse yet, you know you’re going to feel guilty for doing it, but you’ll do it anyway.

Missouri – Bumble Bee Tuna

Dependable for 7 no-matter-what wins, and always a good combination with lots of other stuff on this list, but at the end of the day, it ain’t Boardwalk or Park Place; it’s more like Marvin Gardens.

Oklahoma – Hot Sauce

Not just any hot sauce, but that special Asian liquid-plutonium instant-death sauce that is so enticing but always leaves you feeling gastrointestinally raped. And not just raped, rather like somebody gave you a 5-gallon napalm enema and dragged a flaming tumbleweed through the entire length of your digestive tract.

Put ‘em in a Hooters outfit, and you are soooooo ordering the “Tumbleweed Platter.” Don’t try to deny it, either.

You are always suckered in by the Sooners, and you spend the whole off-season being reminded of it by the scorch-marks in your Fruit-of-the-Looms.

Oklahoma State – Bourbon

Much like Cowboy football in September, that first glass of bourbon is filled with promise. But by November, you’re just another drunk whose week-long hangover has prompted yet another pledge to never drink again. But September always comes back…

Texas Tech – Ham

If there were ever a perfect reason to break up a conference, the fact that Texas Tech bum-rushed Mike Leach out of Lubbock would be it. How can you not love a pirate-loving quote machine such as Leach? If there were ever anybody who embodied my love of the strange comparison, Leach and his off-the-wall “Ham and Eggs” comment would also have to be it.

“It’s a little like breakfast – you eat ham and eggs. As coaches and players, we’re like the ham. You see – the chicken’s involved but the pig’s committed. We’re like the pig, they’re like the chicken. They’re involved, but everything we have rides on this.”

Coach Leach, we here at Dubsism salute you and your commitment, which hopefully happens soon.

Baylor – Mayonnaise

Perhaps they should refrigerate Floyd Casey Stadium.

Creamy, white Baptist kids who only need three hours in the sun to become fatally rancid.

Texas – Chicken of the Sea Tuna

Dependable for 9 no-matter-what wins, and always a good combination with lots of other stuff on this list. While the Longhorns are consistently better than Bumble Bee, at the end of the day…sorry, Charlie.

Texas A&M – Coffee Maker

Aggie football is usually non-descript, but it performs a crucial function; giving me a steady buzz of huge, bruising fullbacks.

See Also: Understanding the Conference That Was The Big Ten Through a Comparison to Classic Game Show Hosts

Understanding the Conference That Was The Pacific 10 Through a Comparison to “Scrubs” Characters





Dude Looks Like Lady, Part Deux

14 09 2009

On the last episode of “Guess That Gender,” guest judge Crocodile Dundee stated clearly that South African runner Caster Semenya was a dude. Now, some other Aussies, the kind with those juicy, delicious science brains concur.

Two Australian newspapers reported Friday that gender tests show the world champion athlete has no ovaries or uterus and internal testes that produce large amounts of testosterone. The international sports federation that ordered the tests wouldn’t confirm the reports.

There is no truth to the rumor that Semenya reacted to the test results by going apeshit at the U.S. Open

There is no truth to the rumor that Semenya reacted to the test results by going apeshit at the U.S. Open

Much like Mick Dundee, I’m no gender expert, but that sounds much more dude-like than not. If it walks like a dude, and it talks like a dude, and it shaves like a dude, it’s a dude. But there are some other bigger-brain-than-me types who disagree.

“It’s no different in a sense than a youngster who is born with a hole in the heart,” (Dr. Myron) Genel said. “These are in fact birth defects in an area that a lot of people are uncomfortable with.” Semenya is hardly alone. Estimates vary, but about 1 percent of people are born with abnormal sex organs, experts say. These people may have the physical characteristics of both genders or a chromosomal disorder or simply ambiguous features.

As far as there being a hole where there isn’t supposed to be, I guess Genel is correct. However, there are still just far too many “ambiguities” to be sure. This suggests another possibility may exist. If the problem is the presence of “ambiguous features” resembling female genitalia, Semenya might be a Texas Longhorn.

texas and frs








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