How The Dan Patrick Show Has Taken Over My Life

At last, our long national nightmare is over. Thanks to the NBC Sports Network, the Dan Patrick Show is back on cable.

Well, maybe it wasn’t a national nightmare, but it sure screwed things up at the Dubsism household.

First, let’s get through the boring “news” part of this story.

NBC Sports Network has acquired multi-year rights from DIRECTV to air The Dan Patrick Show, the renowned sports television show and syndicated radio program starring Football Night in America co-host Dan Patrick. The Dan Patrick Show will debut on NBC Sports Network tomorrow and air weekdays from 9 a.m.–Noon ET. A “Best Of” version will air weekday afternoons from 4-5 p.m. ET on NBC Sports Network.

To coincide with the debut of the show tomorrow, NBC Sports Network will relocate to Channel 220 (from Channel 603) on DIRECTV, which is adjacent to other national sports channels. DIRECTV owns and operates The Dan Patrick Show, which airs daily on DIRECTV’s exclusive Audience Network as well.

If you have Direct TV, you likely didn’t notice the absence of Dan and the Danettes from your morning routine.  But it certainly got noticed here.

Obviously, Dubsylvania is not a Direct TV household. Worse yet, the nearest radio station which carries the Dan Patrick Show is an AM station which happens to be just far enough away to where the show always sounds like I’m on a car stalled under a bridge.  Let’s be honest, streaming on the web never works as well as it should, and by the time I can get to a podcast, the show is old news.

In other words, since there is a television in my office, it tended to be on the DP Show, which was as much of a morning staple as coffee.

Let me put it this way. Without the Dan Patrick Show, morning television is a place more frightening than one of those “Halloween” slasher movies covered in offensive lineman butt-crack sweat.  If anybody were to judge America based solely on what is on TV between 9 A.M. and noon eastern time, they would think this country is nothing but deadbeats who when not hanging out at the payday advance place crave advice about our dysfunctional families from charlatans like Dr. Phil while shopping for catheters and motorized wheelchairs.

But that’s not even the worst part. For three weeks, I had to listen to the moanings of Mrs. Dubsism, who had become even a bigger fan of the show than I had.  She seems to have a fascination with Danettes.  She actually treats it like it is a soap opera  –  days that she doesn’t get to see the show,  I am under orders to text her updates on the antics of Dan and the Boys.

This happened because unlike the crap ESPN puts out, the Dan Patrick Show makes it a point to be more than just a radio show with a few cameras tossed in.

Amid the revealing behind-the-scenes antics and interstitial videos, the series is known for its unique blend of situational comedy, breaking sports news, unparalleled insider access and pop culture commentary. By allowing viewers to see the true comedy that surrounds Patrick and his team, The Dan Patrick Show reveals the humor in sports broadcasting while opening the locker room doors to the world of sports. Patrick’s on-air guests include many high profile athletes and celebrities.

Of course, this allows for the development of the characters on the show, namely the Danettes. For those who aren’t familiar, here are their bios from the DP Show website:

Paul Pabst (“Paulie”)

• College: Southern Illinois
• Professional Experience: Pro Football Weekly, CBS Sports, ESPN
• Odd Jobs: Paper boy, DJ at country/western bar
• Favorite Teams: Chicago Cubs, Liverpool FC, Yale football
• Greatest Athletic Achievement: The first year of grade-school football, I was riding the pine. We were on defense and we had only 10 men on the field, some kid forgot to go out on D. I ran on the field right before the play started and made the tackle. The coach told me to stay in the game because he was mad at the kid who forgot to go in. I started from then on. I still stunk, but I was like Clint Longley when the Cowboys’ Roger Staubach went down … but I didn’t punch out Roger the Dodger to end my career.
• Sports Heroes: Walter Payton (He didn’t showboat and played hard every week). Also Tony Hawk for making a street sport mainstream — he gets ripped by skateboarders but he revolutionized sports.
• Favorite TV shows: The Shield, Deadliest Catch, Friday Night Lights
• Executive Producer Todd Fritz

Todd Fritz (“Fritzie”)

• College: New York University
• Professional Experience: WFAN (New York), KMPC (Los Angeles), Los Angeles Rams broadcasts, ESPN
• Odd Jobs: Camp counselor
• Favorite Teams: Denver Broncos, Houston Astros
• Greatest Athletic Achievement: Once struck out 18 batters in a six-inning little league game. My team still lost 3-1 due to errors and walks.
• Sports Heroes: John Elway and Nolan Ryan
• Favorite TV shows: The Honeymooners, The Twilight Zone, All In The Family, Friday Night Lights, Saturday Night Live, Super Nanny

Patrick  O’Connor  (“Seton”)

• College: West Virginia
• Professional Experience: Hartford radio, ESPN
• Odd Jobs: Security guard, flower delivery person, Postal worker
• Favorite Teams: Notre Dame, Seton Hall, and the New York Yankees
• Greatest Athletic Achievement: My first year of Little League, city championship, I played for underdog Sanitary Fuel, taking on the heavily favored Progressive Firehouse. Bottom of the seventh, which is the last inning in LL, one out, bases loaded, we were up by one. I was playing left field and caught a towering fly ball (it seemed to hang in the air for hours) hit by Kirk Asterita and threw it in to second to turn two. Game over. When seeing the ball hit in my direction, my father was quoted as saying “Oh Sh**.” The city newspaper recapped the game the next day, saying “O’Connor, who hadn’t caught a ball all season … ” My big defense over the years has been that I didn’t have any balls hit to me.
• Sports Heroes: Muhammad Ali, Tony Hawk, Steve Balboni
• Favorite TV shows: MSNBC, Cash Cab, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage, Law and Order

Andrew Perloff (“McLovin’”)

• College: Dartmouth College
• Professional Experience: Fox Sports, MLB.com, NFL, SI.com
• Odd Jobs: Butcher’s assistant, flower delivery person, grocery clerk
• Favorite Teams: Philadelphia Eagles, Philadelphia Phillies, Philadelphia 76ers
• Greatest Athletic Achievement: Named MVP of Southeastern Pa. JCC (Jewish Community Center) 1982 Little League season. To be fair, I was one of few players in league who didn’t have to worry about losing his yarmulke when running the bases.
• Sports Heroes: Randall Cunningham, Julius Erving, Mike Schmidt
• Favorite TV shows: Simpsons, Larry Sanders Show, Flight of Conchords

Why the hell does this matter? Because at my house, for sports to remain interesting to Mrs. Dubsism means she will continue to watch sports.  The fact that the DP Show offers a cast of characters who have some interaction makes sports more entertaining.  If it doesn’t, I’m stuck watching the kind of bullshit she watched before I cam along, and I can take any more “zombie” bullshit.  ESPN can’t deliver on that because let’s face it…ESPN sucks.

That’s why this move is great for me, and great for sports fans in general.  Now that the NBC Sports Network is making headway into becoming a legitimate competitor for the “Mothership,” eventually not only will NBCSN get better (if nothing else, the Dan Patrick Show is going to replace three hours of unwatchable shit about hunting), but it will force ESPN to quit wasting my time with electronic sewage like “First Take.”

And I won’t have to listen to Mrs. Dubsism bitching about another morning’s television full of catheter commercials.  That’s a win right there.

Teams That Grind My Gears: The New England Patriots

For purposes of full disclosure, I have far too many people in my life who call themselves New England Patriot fans.  After Sunday night’s loss to the Baltimore Ravens, I have found myself besieged with their caterwauling about bad officials, Joe Flacco, and every other reason they can think of to distract themselves from the fact they lost yet another big game.

1) The Patriots Are Another Team With Shitty Fans

Now, because the Patriots haven’t sucked for decade now, the ranks of their fans have swelled to include the fairweather butt-loafs that populate not only Boston and the greater Northeast, but includes generally obnoxious front-runners from everywhere else. You know the guy I’m talking about; the guy who wears a Tom Brady jersey (which always seems to come off in sub-freezing temperatures) despite the fact he weighs as much as a small car, who thinks “FAAAAAAAAAAAAACKYOU! YOUSUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK! is witty repartee, and who couldn’t tell you who Steve Grogan and John Hannah were.

See, most of the so-called hometown Patriots fans are dickrings who simply change out of their “Big Papi” jersey to a “Tom Brady” jersey every September.  What they know about football would fit in their ass with plenty of room for their head left over.  It would be a minor miracle if any of them could name a Patriot other than Tom Brady.

In a lot of respects, the Patriot fan base is much like that of the Cowboys; in the sense there’s a small group of real fans who will still be around after Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are drooling on each other’s catheters at the nursing home, and then there’s a bunch of luxury box front-runners, and guys named “Tommy Boy” and “Sully” who once the Pats are back to being a 6-10 team will be back screaming racial epithets at black hockey players.

If it weren’t for the aforementioned Cowboys’ fans, Vikings’ fans, or Raiders’ fans, Patriot fans would be the worst in all of football. They hate Jets fans even though they are exactly like Jets fans.  They are just like Jets fans because half of Foxboro is Jets fans on any given Sunday.

Its true.  I have several trusted friends who also happen to be Patriot season-ticket holders (they would be small group of “real” Patriots fans).  They will be the first to tell you that Gillette Stadium and the town of Foxboro is the worst place in the world for real football fans.  The Patriots fans who show up at the stadium are either the shirtless Brady jersey owners,  who by the end if the first quarter already stink like their own piss, or they are what is commonly referred to as the “wine and cheese” crowd.

It’s hard to tell which is more hate-worthy; the guy in the stocking cap who will undoubtedly puke on himself at some point while screaming what you are pretty sure is some sort of racial insult, or the guy who spends half of every game telling everyone to sit down. Of course, “Mr. Sit Down” is the same guy who only shows up for the “best” 2 or 3  games of the year and sells the rest of his tickets to Jets fans.

If you doubt them, pay close attention to the seats the next time you see a Patriots game. You will notice the red seats in the middle of Gillette Stadium. That’s where the big-time “wine and cheesers” who own luxury boxes also have the option of sitting outside.  This means that many seats go empty which makes Gillette Stadium the quietest in all of football.

These friends of mine can regail with all kinds of tales of Patriot fan dumb-assery, ranging from hearing the offense booed off the field for driving for a game-winning field goal (the crowd wanted a touchdown) to throwing stuff at Troy Brown – in one of the last games of his career – for botching a punt return.

In any case, both “Tommy Boy” and “Mr. Wine and Cheese”-type Patriot fans are like the turd-baby result of a Jets fans ass-raping a Notre Dame fan; they are obnoxious, dim, and keep reminding you they are better than they really are.

Most importantly, the “Tommy Boys” and “Sullys” of the world have this truly messed-up notion that being a loudmouth cynical ass-wipe equals being a tough guy. These are the guys who watch Mark Walhberg movies and fondle themselves, these are the guys who get tougher with each Sam Adams they pound, and these are the same guys who wake up in a puddle of their own piss and teeth after they screamed the wrong thing at the wrong dude.  There’s nothing tough about these red-and-blue creampuffs.  They are the same guys who are calling sports-radio today wailing like a rotating ball of vag-bitches just using Sunday night’s completely predictable loss as yet another excuse to showcase their brooding moronic bullshit.  The fact is that it would take like two or three Raider at the most fans to kick the living shit out of every Patriot fan on earth.  These Patriot fans are softer than a Memory Foam pillow made out of marshmallows and puppy fur.

Sadly, like the Cowboys’ fanbase, that of the Patriots’ lumps in the real fans with the soft-ass ”Tommy Boys” and “Sullys.”

2) Cheating Is OK When You Have The League’s Biggest Star

Hopefully, we are witnessing the beginning of the end of the never-ending knob-slob fest of the Patriots, Bill Belichick, and Tom Brady.  As despicable as ESPN is, at least they’ve spent the morning raking Belichick over the coals for grabbing one replacement referees after last night’s game. That’s just another perfect example of what pussies the Patriots and their fans are.  Playing “tough guy” with a replacement referee is like bullying the handicapped kid at school.  Bill Belichick has spent the better part of the last decade getting a complete pass from the media, and it’s time to face a fact…there’s a reason why the Patriots haven’t won a Super Bowl since 2004.

There’s no coincidence between the exposure of “Spygate” and the fact the Patriots have become a reasonbly bad play-off team.  According to Bryan O’Leary’s book  Spygate: The Untold Story Tom Brady knew the defensive calls ahead of time on over 70 percent of his snaps, and makes a case the NFL helped to cover-up the scandal in the first place.

…a new book entitled “Spygate the Untold Story,” suggests the league successfully covered up and minimized the New England spying scandal.

By destroying the tapes quickly, fining the Patriots and taking away a draft pick, but not suspending coach Bill Belichick, commissioner Roger Goodell convinced the public it was a minor matter that didn’t have a big impact on the Patriots’ success.

But author Bryan O’Leary contends it was a key to their three Super Bowl victories and suggests the Patriots might be still doing it in their home stadium, where it’s easy to hide a camera in an obscure place.

O’Leary says it wasn’t just the filming the signals that made the plan work. The Patriots, he wrote, also had a radio frequency to quarterback Tom Brady’s helmet that didn’t click off with 15 seconds left before the play clock runs down — the way the league frequency does.

Ernie Adams, a close confidant of Belichick’s, who is noted for his ability to read defenses, but whose duties have been never publicly defined, is the person in Brady’s ear via their secret frequency, O’Leary writes. He added that Adams can talk to Brady until the ball is snapped and even afterward to alert Brady to the open receiver.

Uhh, yeah, that’s pretty much a full-on cheat.  But it does explain a lot.

It explains why Brady now sucks in the post-season.  I understand that Brady’s 5 Super Bowl appearances and 3 Super Bowl wins is a major accomplishment, but it’s also fair to look at Brady’s playoff performances in the years since the last of the those Super Bowl wins at the end of the 2004 season.  In 12 play-off games since the last Super Bowl win, Tom Brady and the Patriots are only 7-5.  More astounding are the stats for  an average Tom Brady performance in those games: 23/36, 64% completion percentage, 256 yards, 2.17 touchdowns, and 1.42 interceptions.

Most of those numbers are acceptable, the touchdown to interception ration is the killer.  For a guy who is supposed to be a great pure passer, and for a guy who holds that record of 358 consecutive passing attempts without an interception, having more 3 INT games than 0 INT games in your last 12 playoff performances needs an explanation.

In turn, Brady’s post-season mediocrity explains why the Patriots haven’t won a Super Bowl since 2004.

It also explains why “offensive genuises”  like Charlie Weis and Josh McDaniels turned to into the coaching equivalent of crunchy cat piss the minute they left New England.

But at the same time, it doesn’t explain why the media types and the same league that swore the Saints’ Bounty Scandal was the worst thing in the history of the NFL turned a blind eye to the fact that what the Patriots did was a far more egregious affront to Roger Goodells’ concern about the “integrity of the game.”

I’m waiting for the day I hear the words “Tom Brady is over-rated” coming out of ESPN. I will be waiting a while, but that day got a bit closer after Sunday night.

3) Colin Cowherd Is The World’s Biggest Patriot Fan, And Even He Won’t Tell You The Truth

There’s no shortage of sycophantery for Tom Brady and the Patriots, but there’s nobody worse than Colin Cowherd.  If Brady dropped his shorts and made his minions form a line to determine the order in which they would be allowed to service him, Cowherd would have the first fours spots at the head of the line.

This helps to explain why “Spy-Gate” got swept under the rug, but it also explains something many non-New Englanders who call themselves Patriot fans likely did not know.  This may be hard to fathom, but before 2001, the Patriots were the red-headed step child of Boston area sports, and in many respects, still are.

You are never going to hear that fact come out of the blow-dries at ESPN, largely because they either don’t know that, or don’t want you to know that.  The fact that even in Boston, nobody likes the Patriots ruins the ESPN-created narrative that New England is the model NFL franchise where everything is happiness and sunshine.  Except for one big fact…Boston fans only now like the Patriots because they’ve won recently.  But every year they don’t win another Super Bowl, they creep back to the back of the Boston sports bus.

The Patriots without a Lombardi Trophy are just on the road back to days when they weren’t just unpopular in Boston…they were absolutely fucking despised.  They weren’t ignored, they were HATED. They didn’t have the championship tradition of the Celtics, nor did they have the perpetual hard-luck stories of the Red Sox, and until recently, you could watch the Bruins without having to see “any of them damn spades.”

In short, Boston was more than happy to treat the Patriots like an orphaned crack baby. All during the franchises time in Boston, they never had a home field, they roamed like football gypsies.  In 11 seasons, the Patriots’ played home games in four different venues; Nickerson Field, Harvard Stadium, Fenway Park, and Alumni Stadium all served as home fields for the Patriots. In the 1970′s the Patriots left Boston for a shit-heap of a stadium in Foxboro.

Foxboro Stadium was built functionally obsolete. It was built as cheaply as possible because nobody wanted to spend money on the Patriots.  It lacked luxury boxes and most patrons had to sit on backless aluminum benches as only a small fraction of the stadium had actual seats (painted blue, red, and white near the 50-yard line).  This stadium was such a joke that twice in the last 20 years, owners had to threaten to move; with a capacity of just over 60,000, it was one of the smallest stadiums in the NFL.  James Orthwein bought the team from Victor Kiam in 1992, and had plans to move the team to St. Louis, but he sold the team two years later to current owner Robert Kraft.

The sainted “Mr. Kraft” then threatened to move the team to Hartford  in order to get a new stadium built in Foxboro, and Patriot fans line up to blow him as if he weren’t some hopeless drunk who made going to a Patriots game an exercise in sitting in traffic for four hours to buy the most expensive tickets in the NFL.  Oh, it will also cost you $40 to park in the absolute middle of nowhere to spend four hours with some of the worst crowds in the NFL.  To top it all off, you will be stuck in your car for hours after the game. because nobody thought it might be a good idea to build a road better than a cattle trail to Kraft’s bucolic  splendor.

This actually brings back to the media. In this case, it is the local Boston sports media market that really shows off what dipshit Patriots fans are, because the Boston sports media is horrible. They fellate Robert Kraft because he hired a cheater and didn’t move the team.  If Rob Gronkowski were black, his behavior would have gotten him run out of town regardless of production (see Mo Vaughn). Can you imagine the way Tom Brady would be treated in Boston if he were black and had the gall to marry a white super-model, considering the way they treated Joe Kapp and Jim Plunkett simply because they were Mexican? The second Brady and Belichick leave or begin to suck, all the “lifelong” Patriot fans will stop going to the games and the Pats will go back to blackouts and 4th-class sports citizenry.

4) Keeping Patriots Fans Talking About “Spy-Gate” Means They Aren’t Paying Attention To The Beginning Of The End 

There’s no better troll-bait subject for Patriots fans than “Spy-Gate.”  We all know from the first time I brought up that subject in this piece, there was some Patriot fan sharpening his crayon to give some 1500-word screed about how:

• It just wasn’t fair.
• The Patriots didn’t really cheat because the rule was that you are allowed to have video cameras in the stands, not on the sideline (which is NOT true).
• The punishment didn’t fit the crime.

The fun part is that while spending all that time trying to turn wrong into right,  the average Patriot fan has not only completely forgotten that the 11 years are the exception, not the norm.  These people think it is the Patriots birthright to win every year, and that the four decades of absolute dogshit that preceded 2001 never happened.

This means as we speak, Patriot fans are ignoring several crucial facts that are apparent to the rest of us.

• Bill Belichick is showing the early signs of senility.

If you doubt that, just look the drafting and personnel moves of Belichick the “Genius.”

1. The Patriots passed on B.J. Raji, Brian Orakpo, Brian Cushing, and Clay Matthews (twice) in the first round of the 2009 draft because they did not fit into Belichick’s obsolete defensive scheme.
2. That same off-season, Bill Belichick traded a third and fifth round pick to the Raiders for Derrick Burgess, who was old, used up, and soon out of the league after this trade.  In other words, the “Genius” Belichick got fleeced by Al Davis.  To be fair, later in 2009 Belichick got some of that back when he traded Richard Seymour to the Raiders for a first-round pick in the 2011 NFL Draft, which the Patriots used to draft Nate Solder.
3. The Patriots cut Brandon Merriweather and James Sanders, then lost a Super Bowl because the remaining safeties couldn’t cover a five-foot table with a ten-foot table cloth.
4. Even now, this means Belichick’s defensive backfield consists of the multi-talentless Devin McCourty, the future-performing Steve Gregory, the under-performing Patrick Chung, and the never-performing Kyle Arrington.
5. Patriots fans have had to constantly flinch on the linebacker corps since 2006.  Watching Chad Brown and Monty Beisel as the starting middle linebackers in 2006  had to hurt. It couldn’t be any better today watching human blocking sleds like Dont’a Hightower, Brandon Spikes, and the chronically over-rated Jerod Mayo.  Oh, and Tedy Bruschi never didn’t suck.
6. The Patriots took Laurence Maroney over Maurice Jones-Drew in the 2006 draft.  I could write a whole blog on the sorry-ass history of Patriot running backs since Cory Dillon and Curtis Martin.  It even pre-dates those two…how about some shit-heaps like Craig James and Marion Butts (not Belichick’s fault, but it does indicate the Patriots really don’t understand the running back position).
7. The Patriots could have had Mike Wallace, but decided Jabar Gaffney was the best option.

• Bill Belichick gets a pass for having a team every bit as sloppy with discipline as the one Rex Ryan gets criticized for.

Patriots fans are now foaming at the mouth as they read this, and while they are foaming, they are forgetting they have a star quarterback who likes to model with dog collars and go cliff diving in South America instead of working out in the off-season and they have a start tight end who spends his off time posing with porn stars, bar-hopping, and generally acting like a douchebag frat boy.  If Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski were New York Jets, all you would read is how Rex Ryan can’t control his players/runs a “loose ship”/ is generally the worst human being ever.

• The Patriots are a regular-season wonder who can’t win in the play-offs anymore.

FACT:  In their last 2 Super Bowl seasons, the Patriots led in the 4th quarter in 37 out of 38 regular-season games, yet did not win a Super Bowl either year.

FACT: Tom Brady is one of five quarterbacks to throw for 5,000 passing yards in a season. No quarterback who threw for 5,000 yards won a Super Bowl in that same season.

FACT: Nobody is afraid of the Patriot offense anymore.

There’s a reason for this.  In the days when the Patriot offense really had coordinators losing sleep at night, they could do one of two things.  First, they had a vertical passing game that could create big plays.  The days when Tom Brady could could on a receiver who could extend the field are gone.  Defenses are willing to let Wes Welker catch 100 balls a season because none of those 3-yard passes will hurt them, and face it…Welker isn’t going to out-run anybody anymore.  I’ve never seen someone look like they were moving so fast yet cover such little ground. This is why nobody bothers to cover him anymore.

They also can’t run the ball anymore. Don’t let that freak show the  other night in Danny Woodhead fool you. They can’t run him 25 times a game and expect him to survive. The bottom line is the Patriots need a running back that isn’t comically named or 5’3″ tall.  The Patriots looked invincible last season until the New York Jets and Giants found their Achilles’ heel yet again.  The Jets beat the Patriots twice and the Giants won the Super Bowl based on one dirty little secret about the Patriots.  Once you take away their running game, their offense suddenly can’t create plays.  Look at what happens whenever the Patriots need a big offensive play at a clutch moment.  If they could have knocked out that first down which would have allowed them to run out the clock Sunday night, maybe I’m not even writing this today…

The Brady/Belichick offense needs at least the threat of a running game to keep the opposing safeties honest. Once the defensive secondary can cheat back into pass coverage, a lot of the “easy” passing lanes Brady depends on slam shut like a steel bear trap. Not to  mention, once the defense is back in coverage, the Patriot deep-passing game ceases to exist.

FACT: The Patriot defense doesn’t concern anybody anymore either.

It’s hard to imagine a group of eleven guys who were less of a factor on a play-off team that the Patriots defense.  When will a real Patriot fan have the balls to quit drinking the Boston Kool-Aid and admit that Bill Belichick’s devotion to building a defense of “established veterans” (meaning used-up old farts and useless retreads) doesn’t fucking work? The Patriot defense sucks on whole wheat toast, and yet Belichick is heralded for being a personnel genius despite the facts that he has no idea how to use all those draft picks he stockpiles to acquire and develop actual talent.

Belichick keeps bringing in has-beens like Sean Ellis, Gerard Warren, and Albert Haynesworth to run his version of a 3-4 defense built around a) grotesquely fat defensive lineman who play 2-gap and don’t rush the quarterback, b) edge rushers who don’t get to the quarterback either, and c) a secondary made up of yesterday’s heroes and tomorrow’s failures.  Belichick’s version of defense only works against 20-year old offensive schemes (or the Jets today, who the Patriots STILL can’t beat) where quarterbacks took their snaps from under center, teams ran the ball 70% of the time, and there were hardly ever more three or fewer pass catchers on the field in almost all formations.  In other words, when the NFL became a living, breathing, fantasy football league in the 2000′s, Belichick’s defensive scheme became obsolete nearly a full decade before he realized it and drafted a pass rusher.

Julian Fucking Edelman has actually got snaps at defensive back. Need I say more?

5) The Conclusions

The Patriots are still a play-off team; in fact they could easily be the first team to lose five Super Bowls.  But when the Belichick/Brady era comes crashing down in a few year, nobody’s going to feel bad for the real Patriots fans because thy picked up so many douche-hammers amongst their ranks.

For me, I’m just tired of hearing about them. They haven’t won a Super Bowl in eight years, and yet the Colin Cowherds of the world would lead you to believe the New England Patriots are the greatest franchise in the history of ever.

They aren’t. In fact, this season will mark the beginning of the end.

Right now in Boston, there are two full-time FM radio stations dedicated to propagating the uninformed, self-indulgent whining of the luckiest fan base in professional sports.  If you don’t want to buy that description of Patriots’ fans, roll the clock back to Week 10 of last year.  The Patriots record at that time was 5-3, and all three of their losses were tight games that they lost by a total of 15 points.  More than half of the team’s starters at defensive back are on injured reserve, but the toughest game remaining on their schedule is a Week 17 home game against Buffalo.

But in Boston, that just wasn’t good enough for fans who fucking hated this team 15 years ago.  They’ve got a 5-3 record, a cream-puff schedule in a lousy division,  one of the most productive offenses in the history of the NFL, and a guaranteed first-ballot hall-of-fame quarterback.  At this point, the average Boston pointy-head is calling sports-radio and bleating shit like “Bill Belichick sucks at personnel decisions.” Yeah, I know I just said that, but I’m also not one of the troglodyte Patriot fans who said crap like “Should we keep Matt Cassel and trade Tom Brady?” for three solid months in 2009. In other words, I didn’t just figure out last week that the parade has passed Belichick by.

Those are the Patriot fans who grind my gears, and I can’t wait for them to disappear once the Patriots go back to their usual state at the bottom of the NFL. Make no mistake, that is no more than a year or two from happening.  While they spend all their time whining about “Spy-Gate” or Eli Manning, they ignore the fact their team is built to go 12-4 in the regular season thanks to a soft schedule and a 5000=passing-yard offense, and then choke in the playoffs once they’re forced to run the ball, then watch Eli Manning hang three touchdowns on their sorry-ass defense in the final 70 seconds of yet another Super Bowl loss.

And in the words of Bart Scott…”CAN’T WAIT!”

The Top 10 Bizarre Books and The Sports Figures Who Could Have Written Them

It’s time for another one of our patented Dubsism comparisons with another gem we found over at Listverse. As the title suggests, we found a list of ten books that literally defy explanation, until you realize the sports world is full of figure who could have easily written such strange stuff.

10) How to Abandon Ship – Written by Phil Richards and John J. Banigan

Apparently, getting off a sinking ship is more complicated than you’d think! First published in 1938, this novel little volume was written from the voice of experience since one of its authors was forced by the Nazis to abandon the Robin Moor before they torpedoed it in 1941. While the authors do discuss the necessity of departing one’s ship in an orderly fashion due to a variety of circumstances, they also explore concepts like buoyancy and open sea boatmanship. Just in case you thought jumping off was a matter of counting three and hoping for the best, give this informative survival guide a try if you have any plans to go sailing.

Could Have Been Written By: Bobby Petrino

Honestly, who knows more about jumping ship than Petrino?  He bailed on Louisville, then bailed on the Atlanta Falcons before the season was even over, then bailed on his wife which ultimately got him tossed over overboard at Arkansas.

9) Gangsta Rap Coloring Book – Written by Anthony “Aye Jay” Moreno

Many adults do enjoy coloring and this is certainly a selection better suited to a grown-up than a kid since it features a cover-size gun, well, right on the cover. Many of hip-hop’s most memorable and, indeed, colorful rappers are depicted by thick black illustrations that await the bold hand of an artist. Biggie dares you to color him pink. Thugs to some and musical superstars to many, these rappers will have you sharpening your kids’ Crayolas in no time (see bizarre book selection #3 for assistance). Since this book was published in 2004, copies are still widely available from venues like Amazon.com.

Could Have Been Written By:  Ron Artest

While not an exact match, it isn’t hard to imagine that a guy just enough off-center to pen a rap shout-out to his therapist might be the same guy to make a gangsta coloring book.   It makes about as much sense as celebrating an NBA Championship with a song written long before Artest joined the Lakers.

8 )  The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices – Written by Brenda Love

This book might stifle conversations as much as it starts them depending on who you invite over. In general, this is not mother-in-law material, so hide it from the coffee table when she visits. With 700 entries that include everything from love potions to the most unusual sexual practices on earth, this book does contain and portray some highly unusual stuff that is not for the faint of heart. Anyone interested in the bizarre or, at least, highly unusual practices of humans will be both shocked and entertained to learn what floats some people’s boats when it comes to sexuality.

Could Have Been Written By:  Rex Ryan

The explanation here is best summed up in two videos…the first being Sexy Rexy’s foot fetish footage, and the second being Wes Welker’s riffing on it.

7) Urine Therapy! Confessions of a Mad Pee Drinker - Written by P.P. Powers

One would expect this to be a joke book given the pseudonym of the author, but urine drinking for health benefits is a real concept and this isn’t the only book devoted to it – just the one with the best title, book jacket, and personal reflections. Published in 2007, this intriguing “self-improvement” book, as described by its own author, suggests that drinking one’s own urine over a period of time can cure chronic ailments. The author describes his own experiences drinking “midstream morning urine” and how the practice cured his depression, fatigue, dandruff, irritable bowel syndrome, bad skin and fibromyalgia (many readers will be wondering if he’s on Match.com). According to P.P., the fountain of youth may truly be inside each and every one of us.

Could Have Been Written By:  Ray Lewis

In a world full of performance-enhancing drugs, Lewis is claiming to have found a fountain of youth in some unknown vegetable juice concoction. I’m not casting any aspersions here, but I’ve always been suspicious of “miracle” diets and vitamin supplements…especially ever since the Jim Carrey Juice Weasel.

6) Manifold Destiny – Written by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller

It’s true that twenty-first century vehicles are far better insulated than twentieth century cars, making this a nearly-obsolete cookbook unless you have a vintage car – probably anything pre-1990. On the other hand, if your engine runs hot, this cookbook is still in print and filled with many great recipes that you can make right on your car engine. Ideal for traveling cooks who don’t mind cooking with fumes, this book covers one-of-kind cookery. One reviewer maintained that engines steam everything and always leave his vegetables al dente, but if you can discover the knack of this vehicular art, you’ll never have to pull into a greasy roadside diner again! You can crank open your hood and run your own!

Could Have Been Written By:  Prince Fielder

Prince’s dad traveled everywhere…Toronto, Detroit, Japan, New York.  Prince has logged a few lies himself between Milwaukee and Detroit. You would think a couple of big guys putting on some big miles might have tried a manifold burger at some point…especially since I never swallowed that “Prince Fielder is a vegetarian” twaddle.

5) Natural Bust Enlargement – Written by Donald L. Wilson

Published by the Total Mind Power Institute in 1979, this book takes the “I think I can, I think I can” concept to a surprising new level. One must assume that there might be a few glitches contained in this highly unusual do-it-yourself book or the cosmetic surgery industry wouldn’t be booked quite so solid with breast enhancement appointments. As an odd publication, it does, however, have its place in lists of bizarre books. Kudos to the book’s cover, as well.

Could Have Been Written By:  Morganna, The Kissing Bandit

Obviously, there’s two reasons why Morganna is the choice for authoring this book.

4) If We Can Keep a Severed Head Alive – Written by Chet Fleming

Published in 1988, this book also contains the author and inventor’s patent for a device that keeps the head of a mammal alive. A considerable portion of this book provides an explanation as to why this inventor, who is also a practicing attorney, devised a patent he says he does not intend to use. It’s unclear as to whether or not Fleming advocates the practice of keeping severed heads alive or simply wants to explore the possibilities that the marvels of science and technology may provide in the future.

Could Have Been Written By: Dick Vitale

Honestly, has there been a better example of a severed head being kept needlessly alive that Dickie V?

3) How to Sharpen Pencils – Written by David Rees

If you’ve ever lamented that you stuck your pencil into a cheap twenty-five-cent plastic sharpener – those children’s gadgets that break more tips than they sharpen – this book is for you! Painstakingly crafted and nearly exhaustive in its coverage of an unusual subject, this author treats pencil sharpening seriously and, upon reading it, you’ll take it more seriously, too. Witty and informative, this highly irregular volume may seem bizarre unless you happen to be sitting there with a broken pencil and are unsure how to best sharpen it for use again.

Could Have Been Written By:  Vince Young

Anybody with a Wonderlic score of 6 obviously is a dumb ass who might need a step-by-step to sharpen a pencil.

2)  C is for Chafing – Written by Mark Remy

A child’s alphabet book of running, this strange little book and its correspondingly disturbing cover is about the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly sides of running. The title, of course, simply dares the onlooker to open this book up and give it a whirl, but some of the subject matter, like vomiting after a race, is about as gross a topic as that covered in Walter the Farting Dog: Banned from the Beach by William Kotzwinkle, an honorable mention and runner up for this list of bizarre books.

Could Have Been Written By: Olympic Speedwalkers

If that walking motion doesn’t give you a chafing problem, then it doing with a load in your shorts must guarantee a dose of “fire crotch.”

1) Gadsby – Written by Ernest Vincent Wright

It’s unclear what the author had against this most popular of vowels when he wrote this novel of constrained writing, but there is, indeed, no trace of this letter in the work. Considering all the English verbs that require the –ed ending, this is a remarkable, albeit bizarre, achievement. This self-published work is a highly collectible book in spite of its unusual treatment of a popular letter.  Published in 1939, this odd novel is perfectly readable and contains a reasonable plot, proving that the letter “e” is not as e-ssential as one might have thought.

Could Have Been Written By: Former Baltimore Ravens Head Coach Brian Billick

Not only does his name also have no “e” in it, he won a Super Bowl with no “O.”

Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Being In a Super Bowl Commercial Contributes to Extinction

You may want to brace yourself…you may sprain your eyeballs from rolling them at this following story from CBS Cleveland.

A Chicago zoo is mounting a campaign to stop a company from airing a Super Bowl Sunday commercial featuring mischievous suit-and-tie wearing chimpanzees playing tricks on their human co-worker, saying all that monkey business proves deadly for the endangered species. Lincoln Park Zoo officials fear images of the frolicking chimps broadcast worldwide do little to help conservation efforts, inaccurately portraying the animals as unthreatened and even as cuddly and harmless pets.

“If people see them that way they are less likely to try and conserve them,” Stephen Ross, assistant director of the zoo’s Fisher Center for the Study and Conservation of Apes, said of the commercial that shows chimps laughing at a ‘Kick Me” sign on the human. “Individual chimps are being harmed and wild populations are being harmed by this frivolous use of an endangered species.”

So, let me see if I’ve got this straight. A Super Bowl commercial doesn’t do enough to save endangered species, in fact the assertion is that by being in commercial, chimps are being directly harmed.

Ross said he and other animal welfare advocates have been complaining to CareerBuilder.com ever since the company started using chimps in Super Bowl commercials in 2005. But this year is different because he’s armed with a Duke University study that he says supports his longtime claims: Commercialized chimps dressed as people — even when running up big banana daiquiri bar tabs — makes viewers less concerned about the plight of wild chimps.

“The argument they (CareerBuilder.com) make is it doesn’t matter how they’re portrayed, they are helping to protect them,” said Brian Hare, an assistant professor of evolutionary anthropology who led the study. “The opposite is true. These commercials are negatively affecting people’s decisions about how they support conservation.”

CareerBuilder.com declined to comment on the study or any suggestion that the commercials put wild chimpanzees in danger. But in a prepared statement, the Chicago-based company said the “chimpanzee stars” were not harmed and that the American Humane Society watched the commercial being filmed to ensure the animals were “treated with respect.”

I do have this straight.  These people are out of their freaking minds. Their logic behind all of this bunk proves that.

“This advertisement teaches them (poor people in Africa who will undoubtedly be glued to the Super Bowl from their unpowered huts) there is a market for these animals, that there are some crazy people in America and Europe who would want them as pets,” he said. “Even if there isn’t a market, they think there’s a market.” And that could devastate the wild population of chimpanzees that has already dwindled from more than 1 million to about 100,000.

I can’t tell who should be more insulted by the ramblings of this lunatic. If I’m an African, I’n not exactly pleased by the fact this jamoke thinks I’m either stupid or delusional enough to extrapolate a commercial with prankster monkeys into fame and fortune in the global chimp smuggling trade. If I’m an American, I’m saddened by the fact this guy doesn’t get how far off base he is, and I’m pissed about being called “crazy” by a guy who clearly what it means to be a nutburger.

Here’s the “million dollar question:” How does this guy take a television commercial and turn it into an intercontinental market for pet chimps?

Ross said he’s not optimistic that CareerBuilder.com will pull the ad before this year’s Super Bowl. “They already paid for this one,” he said, adding that the company has never responded to any of the letters he’s written them since 2005. In fact, in an effort to drum up publicity about the ad, the company sent another email to The Associated Press trumpeting the upcoming commercial starring “CareerBuilder’s beloved chimpanzees” that was back by “popular demand.” In that email, the company pointed to statistics that showed CareerBuilder.com business surged after previous Super Bowls and that its brand awareness also has grown dramatically.

But, he said in an email, maybe his concerns will find an audience of its own that the response from “a wider segment of the public … is negative enough for (CareerBuilder.com) not to invest more money in extending the campaign with new ads.”

He’s “not optimistic” that an advertising campaign which has proven to be successful will get yanked on his say-so.  Replace the phrase “not optimistic” with “pissed that he can’t have it his way,” and that sentence becomes striking. Not so coincidentally, this is where they start to get desperate, citing other study conclusions which while offering data Ross and his ilk find comforting, they ultimately mean nothing.

Ross and Hare are encouraged by another conclusion of the Duke study: The commercials may not be all that effective. Contrary to Careerbuilder.com’s suggestion that the commercials helped their business, Hare said people who watched the commercials reported that they found commercials with chimpanzees less interesting than those that featured athletes, music and other things.

That is not surprising to Peter Dabol, chief executive of Ace Metrix, a firm that rates the effectiveness of ads.

“These kinds of slapsticky, kind of funny ads and these ads in particular, were relatively low scoring ads even though their likeability is high,” he said. “These (CareerBuilder.com) ads performed at the bottom of the pack of all Super Bowl ads,” he said. “That’s typical of what we see as pure humor, cheap laugh ads.”

The chimp ads are “not as effective” as other Super Bowl ads? I’ve got news for you, buddy.  Super Bowl ads are on the “top buck” side of the TV advertising “Monopoly” board; Park Place with a hotel may not fetch as much rent as Boardwalk, but it’s still a nice payday.

Frankly, a big part of me wishes this guys’ theory of “Super Bowl ad = Extinction” were true…we’d have been rid of Britney Spears years ago.

- Dubsism is a proud member of the Sports Blog Movement

Deadspin on Simmons, ESPN, and “Reverse Psychology”

Barry Petchesky over at Deadspin spins a great story on how the electronic windbag known as Bill Simmons ascended to The Sports Douchebag Hall of Fame ESPN. If you’ve been a regular reader of this blog, you know we are prone to perform a “Breakdown” in order to help you understand what is actually happening, especially in the case when there are hidden meanings or ulterior motives.

The main theme here is that Petchesky asserts that ESPN may have hired Simmons to stop him from flaying the World Wide Leader.

ESPN’s initial courtship of Bill Simmons has the air of an urban legend. Simmons wrote a column excoriating the bloated and self-congratulatory ESPY Awards, and that column was rapidly forwarded around Bristol, putting the Boston Sports Guy on ESPN’s radar. Much like Aeschylus’s lost plays, the ESPY diary was known only from a reference in another work. In one of his early Page 2 columns, Simmons wrote:

“More than three years ago, I wrote a scathing running diary about the ESPYs that ended up getting passed around ESPN at the highest levels, and eventually led them to hire me to write this column. What a weird way to get hired. After being forced to do nonstop keg stands from the company Kool-Aid since then, I’ve grown to appreciate the ESPYs — not the actual show, but what they’re trying to accomplish here. The show celebrates everything that happened in the past year of sports, a thinly-veiled excuse to round up some celebrities, throw some parties, promote the network and maybe even garner some decent ratings in the process.”

But because Simmons’s AOL Digital City work has been lost forever in the internet aether, no one has seen that original ESPY column in more than a decade. Until now. We got our hands on a treasure trove of Simmons’s old work, including the legendary ESPYs column. It’s in the form of a running diary that should be familiar to Simmons fans, filled with jokes that wouldn’t have flown under the Disney flag. In fact, it’s titled “The 1999 ESPY Awards: Greatest Night In Sports… Or TV Holocaust?”

I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but if it is, I should be on ESPN’s payroll buy this time next week.  I have a long history of being a critic of that Bristol-based omni-directional sludge-pump. Moreover, this really is another exercise in how easy taking pot-shots at ESPN really is…like shooting at rabbit that has been drugged and staked to the ground.  Even Bill Simmons can do it. But it  is also a wonderful demonstration of the incredible hypocrisy of the World Wide Leader. If Petchesky’s assertion is true, then ESPN hired a guy for saying things for which they have fired others. Keep that in mind as we walk through Simmons timeline of the 1999 ESPYs.

• 8:03 — The show kicks off with a mock opera opening, featuring Dick Vitale as the showstopper. I’m not making this up.
• 8:04 — Just slammed my head against the coffee table for 30 seconds.

Dicky V and a self-induced concussion. Now the concept of Grantland makes a bit more sense. Besides, I thought Vitale and Berman the Hutt were “sacred cows” in Bristol.

• 8:12 — (Jeff) Gordon wins and immediately thanks God (who took time out of his busy schedule to watch the ESPYs tonight). Gordon’s gorgeous wife applauds. This will be a running theme tonight.

Somewhere, a 12-year old Tim Tebow is inspired knowing he can someday become the exclusive focus of an hour-long version of  Sportscenter, or as it will be called in 2014 “Tebow-JesusCenter.” The ban on prayer in public schools will be replaced by mandatory “Tebowing.”

• 8:15 — Actor Dylan McDermott presents the ESPY for something called “Men’s and women’s tennis player of the year.” I’m not sure if this is two awards or one; if it’s one award, than Amelia Muresmo will obviously win.
• 8:16 — It’s two separate awards. Too bad. I would have loved to have seen Muresmo in high heels and a sportscoat.
• 8:18 — Hey, it’s Lindsay Davenport in a dress! I think I just had an aneuryism.

Here’s your first “shot across the bow” of the LGBT community….Lord knows now you can’t make fun of “alleged” women. We now call this the “Pam Ward” rule.

• 8:22 — Steve Largent reads the Emmy rules… allegedly a comedy segment. I’ve watched funerals for slain policeman that were packed with more comedy.

Here’s where Simmons takes the big whiff. Largent is a white, male, Republican; which means he is in the last demographic which you can take shots at according to the PC police. Instead, Billy goes with the “dead cop” joke; but remember, this was pre-9/11, so that was still OK. But we are about to seriously break out of the PC reservation.

• 9:16 — As we prepare for the Arthur Ashe Award for courage — which will be presented to Billie Jean King — ESPN’s Robin Roberts comes out and introduces presenter Rosie O’Donnell, who in turn will introduce King. Ironically enough, this same sequence of events will be happening at the Meow Mix Bar & Grill in Greenwich Village later this evening.
• 9:18 — Good GOD Rosie put on some weight! She’s so fat that Shawn Kemp is making fun of her right now. If Sammy Sosa and Rosie attend the ESPYs post-award buffet tonight, there might be a fistfight by the “prime rib” table.
• 9:25 — Billie Jean waddles up to the podium to accept the award from Rosie. It’s too bad Delta Burke couldn’t make it.

This is the point when Pam Ward got so angry she soiled her jockey shorts before making an angry call to ESPN management demanding that “You guys need to show some balls, and if you need, you can borrow one of my three.” But seriously, imagine what would happen to anybody in Bristol who made comments like that. They wouldn’t be getting a job offer from ESPN, that’s for damn sure.

• 9:34 — Sam Jackson introduces Dick Vitale and does the worst Dicky V impersonation of all-time. Is it just me or are the wheels starting to come off this show?

Samuel L. Jackson doing Dicky V? Please tell me he did it as Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction…

• 9:43 — I don’t want to say that the wheels are coming off here, but I think the Detroit Red Wings’ team chaffeur is driving this show.

In case you don’t remember, this is a reference to Richard Gnida, who while employed by the Red Wings as a limo driver was determined to be driving with a suspended license and under the influence of marijuana when he was convicted for his role in an accident which left Vladimir Konstantinov and Sergei Mnatsakonov in comas. Had he written this today, I’m sure this would have transmorgrified into a “Sandusky” joke.

• 10:20 — Holdsclaw wins her second ESPY! This means we have to see her walk to the stage in high heels again. She makes Pat Summitt look like a runway model.

And for the piece de resistance, Simmons’ last shot at the “chicks with dicks” crowd.  He’d never say that about Pat Summit now that she’s been diagnosed with prostate cancer dementia.

Here’s the part where you ask “J-Dub, throughout the history of this blog, you’ve taken far worse shots than you are excoriating Simmons for. What gives?”

It’s rather simple. Now that Simmons has successfully employed the “reverse psychology” gambit to get a job, I’m going use his own example to draw attention to my own attempt…by saying the opposite of what I really think, I should be able to get what I want. For example:

The Dan Patrick show sucks and I would never work for it (besides, they need a blogger who is “White and Nerdy,” and if you saw today’s show, I live in Indiana and can handle St. Elmo’s cocktail sauce.) #soft

A Mercedez-Benz is just a regurgitated U-Boat and I wouldn’t drive one if you gave it to me, especially an E560 Coupe.

And don’t even think of trying to give me that car with a half-naked Sofia Vergara in it.

- Dubsism is a proud member of the Sports Blog Movement

Introducing the New and Improved Sports Blog Movement

If you’ve been a regular reader of Dubsism, you might want to consider checking out a new project we’ve been involved in.  The Sports Blog Movement is a consortium of several independent bloggers who cover the world of sports in their own ways. This allows the SBM to offer content unlike what you will find in many other outlets. This also means the strength of the group stems from the collection of talent which forms the SBM.

The Sports Blog Movement is about independent sports bloggers supporting each other in their efforts.  As the Movement has grown, it has included some members who aspire to careers in main-stream sports journalism, it has included some members who would like to be bloggers on a professional level, all while remaining true to its genesis as a home for the voice of the everyday sports fan.

Dubsism is proud to be a part of the SBM, and is even prouder still to provide content to such an endeavor. If you are a fan of Dubsism, you will want to consider becoming a follower of SBM. You will get much more of the independent sports content which made you decide to become a follower of Dubsism. You will also get Dubsism-created content which will be exclusive to SBM followers.  But most importantly, you will discover a whole new source for the independent sports coverage you’ve come to expect.

Be sure to follow the Sports Blog Movement not just here on WordPress, but on Facebook and Twitter as well.

Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: “Cougars” Are Now Offensive

If you ever needed proof that this silly bit of censorship-meets-McCarthyism called “political correctness” has gone too far, the following story from the Salt Lake City Tribune should give you all you need. Just read the first sentence.

Some people in Utah’s Canyons School District apparently believe BYU’s mascot (“Cougars”) is offensive to middle-aged women.

Re-read that sentence again and let it sink in a bit. Wrap as much duct-tape around your head as needed to keep your skull from exploding. For me, it was six full rolls.  Literally, I had to re-read this whole story at least five times before I ever figured out what was really happening here.

As reported in this story by the state’s Fox-TV affiliate, Ch. 13, the Canyons’ board rejected the mascot “Cougars” for the new high school in Draper that will be known as Corner Canyon High School. The new school will draw students that currently attend Alta High and will open in 2013.

They will call themselves the Corner Canyon Chargers. Apparently, prospective students were polled and the majority chose Cougars, but the board went in a different direction. According to this news release on the district’s website, Diamondbacks, Falcons and Raptors were also mascot candidates. The release does not acknowledge that the students wanted to be the Cougars.

This whole thing is an exercise in both stupidity and hypocrisy. The key is in the last sentence above.  Let’s walk through this to understand what I mean.

For starters, Corner Canyon High School is a school that will open in the fall of 2013, and it needed a mascot. The powers that be decided to allow the schools’  future students to vote for a symbol for its sports teams. Apparently ”Cougars” was the winner. Being in Utah, the proximity of Brigham Young University, and the general lameness of the other ballot choices, this really shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anybody.

However, that pesky bit of democracy in action wouldn’t do for the Corner Canyon school board. They arbitrarily vetoed the results of the students election because they were worried “it might be offensive to middle-aged women.”

Let’s break that down, shall we?

First of all, if the term is so damn offensive, then why was it on the ballot in the first place? If I were one of the future students who voted in this election, I would be incredibly insulted to think the school board thinks a) I have no ability to make a reasoned and/or valid decision or b) the collective student body would really elect a mascot representing  an exclusively sexual connotation.

Think about that for a minute. How uptight do you have to be to honestly believe that anytime anybody said the word “Cougar” the first thing that would spring to mind is a middle-aged woman who still has the gall to have sex appeal?

Do you want to know what I think happened? Nobody on that board ever even knew “Cougar” had another meaning, until one day one of them tuned in the Dan Patrick Show and discovered Fritzy’s “Cougar of the Week” bit. Then they panicked.

Secondly, who decided that the new use of the term “cougar” is demeaning?  According to Urban Dictionary, “cougar” (in the non-wild feline sense) is defined as:

Hot and sexy older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single or married, who is sick of her same-age counterparts which are usually hairless, have big guts, who only talk about their insurance premiums and have the TV remote control attached to their hands. Cougars are attractive, in their sexual prime, who know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it. BIG misconception is that they dress cheap, wear hot pink nail polish, animal skin prints and are not-so-attractive old-looking hags with bleached hair (Yeah those women exist, but they are NOT cougars). True cougars are classy, beautiful creatures who have made their successes on their own, have real brains, usually with expensive cars/homes, and are real head turners. Cougars seek younger men, and don’t have to sneak up and attack…they know their younger mates are eager to get an experienced woman who won’t ask if they’ll call them the next day. Being a cougar is a positive thing.

This leaves the question still hanging: Just who the hell are these people to say that labeling someone a “cougar” is an insult?  I’ll bet you ten dollars I can guess the make-up of this board. I’ll bet it is an eclectic mix of white-haired white guys whose dicks quit working sometime during the Clinton administration.  If there are women on this board, they are either white-hairs of their own whose gardens dried up and blew away about the same time their male counterparts started gulping Viagra like they were Tic-Tacs, or they are that spiky-haired, thick-ankled golf coach who hates any woman who attracts the men they wish they could be.

If we were to stick with the conventional wisdom as to who can either be offended by an issue and/or determines the offending matter and it’s severity (this is the same conventional wisdom which allows black people to drop more N-bombs than the Eighth Air Force, yet anybody else who says it once gets flayed),  then it can only be women who are offended by the “cougar” label.

Except there’s one problem. Being a middle-aged guy myself, the vast majority of women my age that I know would absolutely love to be seen by 20-something males as still worthy of salacious intent.  That leads me to believe there was no rush of hot older women calling the school board to notify them that they were pissed off by the students’ selection of “cougars.”

Lastly, what will the sportsters of Corner Canyon High School be known as since “cougars” is out of the question? It seems the choice is “Chargers.”

So Chargers it is. They say a Charger is a war horse (not a lightning bolt, San Diego football fans). By the way, Kearns High, Union High (Roosevelt) and Monument Valley High are among the high schools in Utah which use the Cougars mascot.

Taking another page from the Dan Patrick playbook, I hope there’s several things we’ve all  learned from this sordid tale.

I hope future students learn something from the old adage about sticks and stone breaking bones, but words never hurt anybody. Of course, I don’t care about “feelings,” as there is no Constitutional right not to be offended; but there is such a right to free speech.

I hope the school board learns that their actions set an example for the youth they ultimately purport to lead. They really need to understand taking one’s self too seriously is the express train to becoming those buffoonish adults we all hated as teenagers.  A school board should be spending its time dealing with issues germaine to the quality of the education they provide rather than ducking crucial issues by making mountains out of molehills.

But most importantly, I hope nobody has turned the Corner Canyon school board on to Urban Dictionary; I don’t think they would like some of the definitions of “Charger.”

• A small cylindrical object that can be filled with money or drugs and inserted into the anus to conceal their whereabouts from the police/prison guards etc. As described in the classic French book ”Papillon.”
• Early morning blow-job to start your day.

Regardless, I hope we all have learned that there is a point where even the best of intentions lead to the ridiculous.  Moreover, I hope we’ve learned that whenever somebody starts issuing edicts in the name of “knowing what is best,” they are simply projecting their myopic values or personal shortcomings onto all of us.  But most importantly, I hope we’ve learned that it is a complete waste of time to make a “critical issue” out of something that ultimately doesn’t matter.

Sadly, I don’t think collectively we’ve learned a damn thing. I think the only people who did learn anything out of this situation are the kids in the Corner Canyon school district who discovered the power of adults to act petty and stupid in the face of the exceptionally meaningless.

The 2011 Dubsy Awards

Every January since this blog was created, we here at Dubsism have given an award for achievements during the previous year in some under-recognized categories in the world of sports. In prior years, the nominations for the awards were done exclusively by an internal committee. This was the first year we allowed nominations from the general public.  Between our committee and our valued readers, we had more quality nominations than we could ever possibly use. However, in cases where we received an outstanding nomination, we made sure to recognize those who submitted it.

With that, and after careful consideration, here are the winners for the 2011 Dubsy awards.

The Mickey Klutts Award for Unfortunate Naming

Winner: Chicago Bears fullback Tyler Clutts

We really had no choice but to go with a guy so closely named as the award’s namesake. After all, whether you are an infielder – or in Tyler’s case, a fullback – you still have to handle the ball, and being named for a ten-thumbed oaf just can’t help.

Honorable Mention: St. John’s forward God’sgift Achiuwa

This may be my favorite college basketball name since God Shammgod played for Providence back in the 90′s. Its gets better when you consider Gods’gift has three brothers named Promise, Precious, and God’swill; and two sisters named Grace and Peace.

How is this unfortunate? Because you just know there is some English Lit major working at the St. John’s campus newspaper dying to make all sorts of poet-geeky John Milton/Paradise Lost jokes the minute the Red Storm lose.

We also have to give a shout out to the many of you who nominated both Doug Fister and Charlie Furbush. If only this had been the “Beavis and Butthead” award…

Previous Winner: Gregor Fucka

The Bobby Knight Award for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns

Winner: UTEP basketball head coach Tim Floyd

Floyd exemplifies the type of rage that was shown by the award’s namesake.  The February loss by UTEP to C-USA foe East Carolina would normally have been unremarkable except for Floyd’s award winning performance, in which UTEP racked up five…count ‘em, five… technical fouls.. Two coaches were ejected and Floyd himself had to be escorted off the court by the cops.  The video is priceless; things get fun at the 1:23 mark…

Honorable Mention: Coastal Carolina Head Football Coach David Bennett

The ability offer this kind of wisdom explains why Bennett is the reigning Big South Coach of the Year. In an attempt to get his team jacked up for an upcoming game against rival Catawba College, Bennett uncorked a wonderfully deranged theory on the relationship between cats and dogs.

Previous Winner: Former Cubs’ manager Lou Piniella

The Bevo and Ralphie Award for Mascot Buffoonery

Winner:  Scorch, mascot for the Boston Blazers

I had no idea wearing a big, fuzzy head while cheering on an indoor lacrosse team made one a chick skank magnet.  Apparently,  its the prime way to get lap dances during an intermission. Who knew?

By the way, you can’t tell me the expression on the mascot’s face isn’t completely perfect…you can tell inside that suit there’s a Blazer Boner.

Honorable Mention: The University of Minnesota’s Goldy Gopher

Honestly, who amongst us hasn’t wanted to shit-hammer a mascot? Since I can’t really improve on the oddities of this story, I’ll just give you the raw details from from the Minnesota Daily:

An irritated fan punched Goldy Gopher in the face during a men’s gymnastics meet Saturday night at the Sports Pavilion.

During the meet, the University of Minnesota mascot sat behind Douglas Dokken, 60, and started “messing with him,” witness Barry Colthorpe said. Goldy tapped Dokken on the shoulder and ruffled his hair.

First of all, why is a mascot hanging out at a gymnastics event? Secondly, who knew anybody showed up at gymnastic meets? Thirdly, who knew the gymnastics crowd were such ass-kickers?

Colthorpe said Dokken was ignoring Goldy’s antics, but within a couple of minutes, he snapped, turned around and punched Goldy in the face.

Goldy froze, but within moments of the first punch, Dokken wailed another, forcing Goldy to leave the area…Goldy immediately talked to his supervisor and the police officer who was already stationed at the event. He is not reported to have been hurt, but the mask was damaged.

So, it seems somebody did know how dangerous the gymnastics crowd can be since there was already a cop there. But who knew mascots had supervisors? How does one become a mascot supervisor? Don’t you think maybe the mascot supervisor should have stepped in when it became clear his mascot was clearly pissing off somebody’s grandfather?

Security personnel arrested Dokken as soon as the meet finished. Dokken was issued a citation for disorderly conduct and a trespass warning banning him from the Sports Pavilion and Williams Arena for a year, University police Lt. Troy Buhta said.

They should have given him a medal. I hate that freakin’ Gopher.

Previous Winner: Alphie the Wolf (University of Nevada)

The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide

Winner: Former Washington Nationals Manager Jim Riggleman

Jim Riggleman felt he deserved better. Perhaps he did; that’s open for debate. But no matter the reason, giving your boss an an ultimatum is never a good idea.

Rigs wanted a contract extension from the Nationals, and general manager Mike Rizzo remained very stand-offish about discussing it, so much so that Riggleman demanded a meeting to finalize such an agreement minutes before they club was leaving for a series in Chicago.

That was bad decision number one.

Riggleman compounded that by forcing Rizzo’s hand – “either schedule a meeting with me or I quit right now.” He may as well just shot himself in the face.

Granted, Rizzo didn’t help matters any, after all  Rizzo didn’t even have the stones to tell him “you’re not our guy” to his face. Not to mention, from an organizational leadership perspective, sending a message to your people that you don’t care about them is far worse than anything Riggleman did. Despite that, Riggleman is the one who brought things to a head at an incredibly inappropriate time, did so in a manner that really didn’t allow his boss any choice other than to be extorted, and placed his own concerns above those of a team with which he was engaged in contractual obligation.

That was bad decision number two; the fatal one.

As badly as Mike Rizzo handled the situation, Riggleman committed career suicide inasmuch as it bodes badly for a man in a leadership role to walk away from a commitment to his team over over what is essentially a disagreement with his boss.  This is why Riggleman will never manage in the major leagues again.

Honorable Mention: Former Chicago Bears Wide Receiver Sam Hurd

This guy screwed up two careers because one of them happens to be rather illegal.

In mid-December, Chicago Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd was taken into federal custody after he tried to set up a huge drug deal with an undercover agent, buying a pound of cocaine from the agent.  The 26-year-old Hurd allegedly was interested in buying 20 pounds  of cocaine and 1,000 pounds of marijuana a week to distribute in the Chicago area. Hurd was cut from the Bears after his arrest, and then was released from federal custody after posting a $100,000 bond.  Hurd faces up to 40 years years in prison if he is convicted and receives the maximum penalty for the alleged crimes.

Previous Winner: Former Colorado head coach Dan Hawkins

The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call

Winner: The Signs of the #OccupyGameDay Movement

ESPN sucks. The Dan Patrick Show rules. The signs are awesome.

Honorable Mention: Leslie Frazier, Minnesota Vikings head coach (submitted by Ryan Meehan, who is so freaking funny he writes for more blogs than we can mention)

Frazier gets this Dubsy simply because he was the first credible guy to confirm what the evil little troll known as Mike Shanahan figured out one trade too late. Donovan McNabb is washed up (Andy Reid doesn’t count because he was too wrapped up in the Kevin Kolb/Michael Vick wet dream).

Previous Winner: A guy holding a sign at a hockey game which said “Are you pregnant, Ref? Because You’ve missed two periods!”

The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated

Winner: Kim Kardashian

Kardashian, shown here in a rare instance of only cupping one ball.

If it weren’t for the fact she keeps notching her lipstick case with B-list jocks, we’d have no need to pay attention to her. We’d have no reason to care about those who think she is the hottest thing on two legs.

Forget for a minute that she’s had more athlete meat than every sorority in the SEC combined. If she really were the hottest woman on the planet, what’s she doing marrying some D-list hump like Kris “I Wish I Were The SportsChumphries, Not The HumpDashian” Humphries? Not to mention, if we are to believe the rumor mill, she left that 7-week marriage because she had an itch only Reggie Bush can scratch.

For a C-list guy, Reggie Bush must have some serious trouser magic. After all, so far he’s dicked an entire university, two NFL franchises, and the biggest butt this side of Jennifer Lopez.

But, I digress. Honestly, it’s not like she’s hideous; give Joe Namath a few drinks and he’d probably want to kiss her too.  But let’s be even more honest – I could easily name at least 50 women I’d rather know in the biblical sense than anybody named Kardashian.

Honorable Mention: Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo

There’s two ways to look at this. You can either believe it took a sham of a marriage to keep a Dubsy out of Romo’s hands, or you can believe this is just another example of Romo not being able to win at ANYTHING.  Either way, you can’t be surprised that Romo’s name pops up here, considering he’s “waiting to live up to his potential” for eight years now. Face it, the guy is 31 years old, which statistically places him the back half of his career. It also means we’ve seen his potential. He’s mediocre at best, he’s not going to get any better. Deal with it.

Previous Co-Winners: Tim Tebow and LeBron James

The Clinton-Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility

Winner: Former Penn State President Graham Spanier

Spanier with one of this awards namesakes at Penn State landmark The Creamery.

I’ll be honest, there were a ton of nominations for the Penn State and Syracuse sex abuse scandals in some other categories for Dubsy awards. This meant the awards committee had some hard choices to make.

First of all, J-Dub recused himself since he is a Penn State alum. Then it became a question of whose behavior was really award-worthy. Besides, his views on this matter are already on record.

Secondly, the only award child-raping monsters like Jerry Sandusky and Bernie Fine deserve are heavy, blunt ones which are swung into their skulls leaving fatal wounds.

Then it became a question of people who lost their jobs as a result of these situations. The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide is really about sticking the gun in your own mouth, not getting fired for the actions of others, even if you covered up those actions. Besides, if you are a dinosaur like Joe Paterno or Jim Boeheim, it doesn’t matter how your job ends; you aren’t getting hired anywhere else because you are OLD.

The Penn State situation unfolded as it did because of two key components. First, there was the prerequisite for this category; the cover-up.  Even if you don’t believe the grand jury testimony which led to the filing of the charges, the Sandusky trial eventually will draw out the details of who knew what and when they knew it; a trail which ultimately ends at Spanier.

Moreover, it is the manner in which Spanier handled this situation when the news broke about the charges being filed against former assistant Jerry Sandusky, athletic director Tim Curley, and vice president Gary Schultz. Simply stated, it was the worst handling of a crisis I’ve ever seen.

If you recall, the news broke about the indictments on a Saturday afternoon. At this point, none of the heinous details were readily known and the news cycle wasn’t really going to pick up any traction with this until the following Monday. That’s the key to all of this; the reason why the Penn State story blew out of the sports section and onto the front page and the story at Syracuse didn’t.

Spanier called a press conference on Sunday afternoon. This was stupid move #1, because it sent up a big, red flare there was a panic breaking out amongst the Penn State administration.  Stupid move #2 came during that presser; the moment when Spanier offered the table-pounding defense of Sandusky, Curley, and Schultz, going so far as to use the now-fatal phrase “unconditional support.” Those two words allowed every news commentator on the planet to portray everybody at Penn State as having not a single interest in the well-being of the victims.  Once that genie was out of the bottle, it was never going back, and an entire university now bears a mark of shame due to the actions of a few stupid self-preservationists.

Honorable Mention: Former Ohio State Head coach Jim Tressel

I hope the irony isn't lost on you, Jim.

The whole reason why this award is named for the two most recent presidents who are arguably most remembered for their cover-ups, because nobody seemed to learn the lesson about the cover-up being worse than the crime. To mix metaphors, the bottom line is that the shit always hits the fan when the cat gets out of the bag.

Don’t forget, this whole thing at Ohio State started over some tattoos and memorabilia. If Tressel had come clean at first, he’d still be wearing red sweatervests. After all, the NCAA didn’t even kick him or the players out of the Sugar Bowl last year when this story first broke. In fact, they only imposed a sanction which didn’t kick in until the following season.

That can only mean that the punishment wasn’t going to be that severe, so Tressel might as well have just bitten the bullet. Even after the fact, Ohio State only loses a handful of scholarships and one year of post-season suspension. He would have never…repeat NEVER…been fired if he had just told the truth.

Previous Winner: Former USC athletic director Mike Garrett

The Charles O. Finley Award for Achievements in Cheap

Winner: The Tampa Bay Rays (submitted by Chris “Don’t Call Me Kris” Humphries from SportsChump, one of the best sports blogs out there that isn’t this one.  In fact, it just won one of those Salvadoran-style web elections).

This one really doesn’t take long to explain. The Rays have been been a contender for the last four season without spending any money.  In fact they were the catalyst for the collapse of the big-money Boston Red Sox despite having the 29th payroll in baseball.

Honorable Mention: Los Angeles Clippers’ owner Donald Sterling

If you ever needed a poster-child for the fact the evidence the NBA Lockout was a screw-job designed to benefit about 10 owners and the top 5% of players in terms of income, Donald Sterling is your poster child.

Sterling bought the Clippers in 1981 for $12.5 million, and today that team is worth somewhere in the $400 million dollar neighborhood. That waaaay outstrips the value indexed against inflation, so Sterling has made a ton of money on a team that has been little more than a league bottom-feeder for three decades.

My favorite example of what a cheap bastard Sterling is: When then-Clippers’ head coach Kim Hughes needed surgery for prostate cancer in 2004, Sterling refused to pay for an out-of-network procedure, leading Yahoo! Sports blogger Kelly Dwyer to brand him the “worst person in the world.” The bill of $70,000 was paid by some current and former Clippers players, including Corey Maggette, Marko Jaric, Chris Kaman, and Elton Brand.

Previous Winner: The Pittsburgh Pirates

The Joe Kapp Award for Being Run Out of Town

Winner: Former Boston Red Sox Manager Terry Francona

Terry Francona is the perfect example of why Boston sucks not only as a sports city, but as a collection of human beings.  Instead of running him out of town over some bullshit about guys misbehaving in the clubhouse, they should have built a statue of him.  After all, this guy did something twice in a few years that NOBODY had done in 86; bring a championship to one of the most undeserving franchises in all of sports.

Never marry a Bostonian. The minute you do, you open your world to a never-ending litany of excuses, not to mention you can spend years providing a lifestyle better than they had before your arrival, then the minute the ebbs flow, you are yesterday’s newspaper. Every single Boston-born sports fan out there has an “ex” they dumped because they got sick, lost a job, or generally did anything that didn’t work to some Bostonian piece-of-crap’s advantage.

Honorable Mention:  Former Kansas City Chiefs head coach Todd Haley (submitted by Bobby Charts, a member of the Sports Blog Movement and a blogger whose work I highly recommend).

Here’s another case of a guy who inherited a team that was a dog-initiated steaming coil on a winter sidewalk, and with veritably no support from management took that coil into the playoffs. The collapse that followed this year had nothing to do with Haley. How did anybody expect this guy to win with this team living through the “digging out from under Charlie Weis” effect, especially after Matt Cassel got hurt?

Previous Winner: Former Maryland head coach Ralph Friedgen

The Bobby Layne Award for Best Performance While Drunk

Winner:  Former U.S. Ski Team Member Robert “Sandy” Vietze

“Former” is the key word here. After all, who knew getting drunk on a flight and peeing on somebody’s kid would get you A) punched in the face,  B) arrested, and C) kicked off the ski team?

Cue “quote gold” in 3…2…1…

“I was drunk, and I did not realize I was pissing on her leg,” he is quoted as saying.

Time for more honesty…who amongst us hasn’t gotten bombed and peed on somebody?

Honorable Mention: The Unnamed Eustis High School football player 

Why do these stories always happen in Florida? From the Orlando Sentinel:

Several Lake County school employees including two coaches are under investigation as to whether or not they allowed a Eustis High School football student to play when he was drunk.

The district would not confirm whether the student was in fact drunk, but said a student was disciplined after a preliminary investigation.

The word is that this unnamed player drank beer before the game, so much so that he was visibly intoxicated, complete with slurred speech and even a barf or two. Despite that, it is alleged that the coaching staff knew he was drunk but put him in the game anyway.

Previous Winner: Indianapolis Colts’ punter Pat McAfee

The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness

Winner: Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasly

Uhh, Mike, I don’t care if you are 6’10″ and 240 pounds…headbands and braids are for CHICKS. Now, either go get a MAN’S haircut, or get your kibbles clipped and play for the Minnesota Lynx.

Honorable Mention: Oakland A’s Outfielder Coco Crisp

There’s something special about the power of the afro, but we do have to appreciate the sense of tradition in baseball with Crisp’s straight-up shout out to Oscar Gamble.

Previous Winner: Troy Polamalu

The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying

Winner: Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki

Forget that Nowitzki is about two dribbles from passing out. Forget that he is wearing a woman’s earring.  It’s more important what she’s wearing…his t-shirt. Let’s be honest, women don’t wear the clothes of men from which they haven’t a sampling of his “low post” moves…

Honorable Mention: New England Patriots quarterback Ryan Mallett

It’s called dedication. Forget that you have a reputation for being a party animal. Forget the fact that reputation cost you some serious money when you plummeted  in the draft. A man has to stick by his principles, even if that means getting piss-drunk during your rookie orientation.  According to Jason Cole of Yahoo! Sports, Mallett stayed up “all-night partying” during the NFLPA Rookie Symposium in July.

Previous Winner: San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum

The Vasily Alexseyev Award for Plus-Sized Achievment

Winner: New England Partriots defensive tackle Vince Wilfork

This is a new award named for the recently-departed greatest superheavyweight weightlifter the world has ever seen. While many of his records have since been broken, he remains the only competitor to set 80 of them. Despite his 50-inch waistline and proclivity for 36-egg omelettes, Alezseyev is one of the greatest athletes the world has ever seen, and this award will be given annually to another big guy whose done big things.

Wilfork not only did a big thing for a big guy to do, he did it twice within two weeks of each other. First, he gets an interception and returns it 30 yards against the Chargers, then two weeks later does literally the same thing, just with a slightly shorter return. It is a feat for a defensive lineman to get one interception in his career, let alone two in two weeks. But the fact that Wilfork actually piled up close to fifty total return yards without consuming the contents of every oxygen tank in the stadium in nothing short of miraculous.

Honorable Mention: Fox Sports’ Tony Siragusa

Let’s be honest, we have to give props to anybody who breaks down the blow-dried, make-up wearing barriers in sports broadcasting, especially when that guy gets close to four full scale spins and looks so much like an extra from The Sopranos  he actually was one.

The Vinko Bogotaj Award For Epic Failure

Winner: The NBA Owners and the Player’s Union

Seriously, a pox on both their houses. This became an epic failure the minute the league started canceling games.  Make no mistake, both sides were responsible for this train-wreck.

The owners plotted this for two years. Now, you have to give them credit for devising and carrying out an effective strategy, but the fact they were out to recoup the store they so stupidly gave away the last time speaks to their collective idiocy.

Meanwhile, the players spent so much time sitting around with their thumbs up their asses they never bothered to prepare themselves for what was coming. Nobody from the players side seemed to understand they were going to have the weak position in the negotiations, and nobody did anything to fix that. They had more than one opportunity to win the PR war, but they never realized it.

I could go on all day about how both sides acted stupidly on their own, but that takes a lot of delving into details about a war that already over. Instead, lets’ look at how they acted stupidly together.

First of all, there was the Jonestown-like Kool-Aid march into a stand-off. For two sides quibbling about money, don’t you think that strangling the sole revenue source (games people pay to see) is about the dumbest thing they could do?

Then, there’s the complete screw-job both sides laid on the fans. If you got lost in picking sides, you got suckered. Did you ever once hear anybody that mattered in that whole debate say anything about the impact on the fans?

Honorable Mention: The Boston Red Sox (submitted by Lauren from Too Soxy for My Shirt, a wonderful blog for all the angst that comes with being a Red Sox fan)

How can you not mention blowing a nine-game lead in September? This team, which was supposed to be to be-all, end-all for American League baseball, ultimately couldn’t even beat the sorry-ass Orioles with their playoff lives on the line.

Previous Winner: Xavier guard Dee Dee Jernigan

The Gene Mauch Lifetime Achievement Award

Winner: Former Utah Jazz head coach Jerry Sloan

This award is given annually to somebody who has been around forever, but never won anything.

Jerry Sloan resigned as the head coach of the Utah Jazz on February 10, 2011. Before then, he was the longest-tenured head coach in American major league sports with their current franchise once Tom Kelly stepped down as manager of the Minnesota Twins in Major League Baseball in 2001.

Sloan has one of the all-time great resumes for a guy who never won a ring. Sloan is a member of the Basketball Hall of Fame.  NBA commissioner David Stern called him “one of the greatest and most respected coaches in NBA history.” Sloan had a career regular-season win–loss record of 1,221–803, placing him third all-time amongst NBA coaches. He was only the fifth coach in NBA history to reach the 1,000 victory milestone, and he is the only coach in NBA history to record 1,000 wins with one club; the Utah Jazz. He also coached for one team longer than anyone in NBA history, having manned the Jazz bench for 22 seasons.

In all that time,  Sloan led the Jazz to 15 consecutive playoff appearances from 1989 to 2003.  That makes him one of only three coaches in NBA history with at least 15 consecutive seasons with a winning record; Pat Riley and Phil Jackson being the other two. He led Utah to the NBA Finals in 1997 and 1998, but lost to the Michael Jordan-led Chicago Bulls both times. After all that, it isn’t as astonishing that he never won an NBA Championship as it is that he never once  won a Coach of the Year award.

Previous Winner: Former Minnesota Vikings head coach Bud Grant

Guest Column: Santa Claus Has A Brutally Honest Gift For Sports Bloggers

Editor’s Note: Mr. Claus really needs no introduction, but as he will explain, he is an avid blog reader and came to us with some strong opinions he wanted to get published. Remember, these views are his own and if you have an issue with them, you can write your own nasty note to the North Pole. 

Since I only work one day a year, I have a lot of extra time. It may surprise you to know that I fill a lot of that time by reading blogs. It helps for those times when I have to work on my “naughty or nice” list.

A while back, I read a piece by Ryan Meehan and Dubsism about types of bloggers the world would be better off without. That piece came flooding back into my head this morning as I was checking out why some of my favorite blogs haven’t had any new posts in a while. As I’m going through my various readers, I’m noticing that in the sports blog world, there is far too high of an attrition rate amongst the people who are producing imaginative and readable content.

The other day, one of my favorite bloggers announced they are going on a hiatus. That usually means I’ve seen the last of them. I saw two more that made it official with the “goodbye” post.  As I looked over my subscriptions, all of a sudden I found myself asking a question: Why are some blogs naughty, why are some nice, and why do some just plain suck?

Granted, some trade in the blogosphere for the mainstream media because they get successful. Some get swallowed by content farms like SB Nation. And some just reach the end of their service life. After all, it isn’t easy to keep producing quality material on a regular basis. Lord knows this blog doesn’t meet that criteria; I’m just guest-posting here because they’ve touched this subject before.

The problem lies in a set of blogs that don’t go away, they just become stale. This was the point of the piece done by Meehan and J-Dub, but this problem has developed  its own sub-species in the sports blog world.  In order to avoid this pitfall, I’m going to give you sports bloggers a gift, one that you may find brutally honest, but it’s for your own good. In other words, here’s some tips from Santa to remember to keep your sports blog off my “sucks” list.

1) Write For the Right Reasons

Want to know a dirty little secret?  Blogging in and of itself will not get you a job at ESPN or anywhere else. Blogging in the hopes that it will make you the next Dan Patrick is like making a grilled cheese sandwich in the hopes of becoming a French chef.  This means if you want your blog not to suck, write about what you love, not what you think will get you a job.

There are far too many bloggers who keep putting “job at ESPN” on their wish lists to me. It ain’t gonna happen. If you want to work in main stream media, then do something that will get you a job; get an internship, be ready to work in various media (not just print), and be ready to deal with the competition. Having a blog may help your pursuit, but it won’t define it. Write because you love to write, not because you think it will get you anywhere.

2) Find Your Niche

Decide what you want to be, then be it.  If you want to be all about the New York Jets, then be all about the New York Jets. If you want to be about humor, then be about humor. Make it clear what your blog is about, then stick to it. Don’t tell the world you are a New York Jets blog, then start posting articles about rebuilding your classic car. Readers search out blogs expecting a certain type of content, and if you don’t deliver what they expect, they won’t be back.

3) Have A Voice

There’s no other way to say this…to get noticed, you must stand out. The quickest way to be lost in the crowd is to be doing the same thing as everybody else. In my RSS yesterday, there were 14 bloggers writing previews of the upcoming weekend of NFL action, and on Tuesday, those same fourteen will all be writing NFL Power Rankings or some other crap I can get from half a million other sources.

See, the most amazing thing about blogs is they allow the average guy an outlet for his voice which he wouldn’t have had a decade ago. If you must do the same as everybody else, then be the best; better yet, find your own way of doing it. Squandering your own voice by doing the same thing as everybody else is the ultimate in pointlessness.

4) Don’t Be Afraid To Bust Some Chops, But Be Smart About It

Now here’s the real reason I’m guest-posting this piece here. When I proposed this article to J-Dub, he knew that this piece might piss off a lot of people, but he agreed with it.

If there’s one thing you as a blogger should take away from this, it is to make the price of silencing your opinions high.  In other words, say whatever you want within the bounds of what won’t get you sued. If you are going to censor yourself, make sure there’s value to your silence.

ESPN gets criticized often for “being soft” on stories in sports which it has contracts to broadcast. For example, some people believe ESPN is not as critical of the bungling leadership of the NCAA as it should be because ESPN has a major broadcast deal with them.  Honestly, I don’t know why anybody is shocked by that; if you were in a partnership worth billions of dollars, you likely wouldn’t let your dog crap on your partner’s lawn. To be even more honest, that’s simply an example of what I’m telling you, just on a large scale.

In other words, while you don’t want to bite the hand that feeds you, you also can’t be afraid to bite somebody who deserves it.  Don’t get suckered by any “journalistic integrity” argument; that archaic concept died the day we started creating these colossal media conglomerates in this country.  It is more important to keep you fellow bloggers in mind. Say what you believe, but be able to back up what you say. Everytime a blogger gets discredited, the collective voice of the blogosphere suffers.

Understand, I’m not telling you this to say “your blog broke this rule, therefore your blogs sucks.” In fact, many blogs I read follow all of these guidelines.  But to be fair, some others have some room for growth.  We are doing ourselves a disservice by not fully capitalizing on the power of  blogging.  Blogs are such a tremendous tool that making bloggers better and therefore their products more viable is a gift for all of us.

Ten Pointless USB Devices Compared To Their Equally Useless Sports Figures

Being that the holiday season is upon us, there is a lot of thought begin given to gift-giving. If you are reading this, then you must be thinking, “Gee, what do I get for the sports blogger in my life?”

This allows for another of our comparison pieces with a list published by the good people at Listverse.  Since most sports bloggers spend a lot of time around their computers, and since most sports blogs (especially this one) are generally pointless, what better that a list of pointless USB devices and blogging it up by comparing it to a list of equally useless sports figures.

10) USB Fridge

“The time has come to stop forcing yourself to drink tepid Pepsi while forgetting yourself in the mountains of work at your desk! Plug the USB Fridge into your computer while you are working,  place a beverage inside and get ready to enjoy your choice of tasty liquid at a cool 47 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: Curtis Painter

What better way to represent a refrigerator which only holds one drink, and only partially cools it than with a quarterback who can’t complete passes and only gets close to winning?

9) USB Monitor Smasher

“As useful and compliant as your PC may be, at some point you probably just want to clobber it into a million tiny pieces. Here we introduce the device that will save you thousands of dollars and hours of cleanup time. The ScreenSmasher is a foam mallet that comes with a USB sensor. Take the stress relieving smack at your screen and your Windows Desktop will automatically display the image of shattered glass – also with a realistic crash sound effect.”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: The Regular Season in College Basketball

What better description is there for the college basketball regular season than a foam rubber mallet which allows you to expend a ton of time and energy and not get anywhere? Last sesson’s run by Connecticut proves it. The Huskies finished the regular season with a 9-9 record in conference play for a 9th place finish in the Big East. Yet, they hit a ten-game winning streak at just the right time, sweeping throught he Big East and NCAA tournaments. The 22 wins before that meant nothing.

8 ) USB Gold Flash Drive 

“True, the flash drive is a far cry from a bizarre USB device – but it is the price tag of this attractive accessory that puts it on this list. Introduced at the CeBIT show in Hannover, Germany, this exclusive USB key seems to be marketed mainly for its exquisite exterior – as its memory capacity wasn’t even mentioned at its premiere. It was later released that capacities will include 128MB, 256MB, 512MB and 1024MB. This gold-plated, diamond-encrusted USB memory stick is also adorned with a hefty price tag of 2,950-euro or $3,500!”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: The Ridiculously Over-Priced Free Agent

I’m not singling out Soriano per se, but he does make a perfect example of a guy who has been paid far more than he’s performed. Let’s be honest, every team that’s ever spent money has bought a $20 flash drive for $3,500 at some point.

7) USB Hampster Wheel

“Tired of your monotonous office work day after day, caught up in the rat race of the working world? Ready for the perfect way to lift your spirits and send laughter tearing through the office? Introducing the USB Hampster Wheel! Just plug it into your USB port, load the software provided and watch your furry friend as you type: the hampster gets running and spins the wheel around in the process, spinning even faster as your typing speed increases!”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: ESPN News

For a media outlet to continue to run a sports-news network that does little more than runs the same 30-minute show all damn day long suggest they a) don’t understand that now every sports fan in the world has a smartphone which obviates TV newscasts, b) never heard of the internet, and c) actually believe people want to see the same highlight clips 75 times per day.

6) USB Exercising Dog

“You’ve got to do something with your unused USB ports, so why not fill it up with something totally useless like these USB dogs? A more family-friendly version then its “humping dog” predecessor, you can watch the USB Exercising Dog as he works his washboard abs to perfection!”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: Pitching Coaches

What does a pitching coach do for a major-league moundsman? That is besides walking out to tell him “Uh, Skip’s thinking of pulling you if you don’t start throwing strikes…so, uh, you probably want to  start throwing strikes.”

5) USB Ghost Radar

“For the multitasking, facebook-addicted Ghostbuster, here is the USB device you’ve been searching for. The USB Ghost Radar supposedly does just as it says, detect ghosts. This gadget is actually quite complex. Using sensors and alert lights, and an algorithm it detects any paranormal activity – all the while factoring in biometric feedback from your skin, along with many other features. Plug in the USB Ghost Radar and it will beep in rhythm with specific light patterns depending on the paranormal activity around you. The volume and intensity of the beeps supposedly indicates how close your ghost is. The lights help you figure out the ghost’s position, movement, and the risk possibilities.”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: The Radar Gun Guy

Isn’t this guy’s job really to tell us what we already know? The first time I saw Justin Verlander’s fastball I said “Holy shit! That kid’s got a heater!” I didn’t say “Holy shit! I wish there was a radar gun guy around to tell me that kid’s got a heater.”

4) Mr. Tengu

“Wouldn’t it be nice to have a little buddy that could just sit right next to your computer and make stupid faces? Plug Mr. Tengu into your USB port and he will sit contently at your desk making weird faces with changes in sound, and will take naps when his daily face making routine becomes too exhausting.”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: Tim McCarver

Honestly, when I read the description “he will sit contently at your desk making weird faces with changes in sound, and will take naps when his daily face making routine becomes too exhausting,” I thought all they have to do is add “comment on the completely obvious” and Mr. Tengu would be a perfect McCarver-Bot.

3) Coffee Mug-Mouse

“Now I know what you’re thinking…. “Besides the high ‘coffee-spilling-all-over-the-desk’ chances, isn’t that going to be tough to use?” In fact, the MugMouse was created with the deliberate intention by SLOWEB Peripherals “to provide an alternative to the fast global flow of information”. This infrared mouse follows your movements and the mouse button at the bottom of the mug is clicked by pushing the whole mug towards the table; And as an added bonus, this handy mug not only holds 150mL of your favourite hot drink, but keeps it steamy with the built-in heater. So for those who are looking for a speed reduced computer mouse  that doubles as a coffee mug – this little diddy is for you!”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: The NFL Playoff Overtime Rule

Until I discovered this coffee-mug mouse, I thought having different rules for the regular season and the playoffs was the dumbest thing I ever heard. Even the officials can’t keep it straight.

2) Bowling Ball-Flash Drive

“Though this “heavy duty” memory stick is not yet patented and ready to sell to the public – I can’t help but applaud this device’s creator Chris Spurgeon for attempting to find the solution to our age’s miniature flash drives going missing. Converting his 16 pound bowling ball into a memory stick he asks himself “Let’s see if I send that through the laundry by mistake!” On the practical side though, I hope when using it he doesn’t attach it directly to his laptop…”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: A 96-team College Basketball Tournament Format

I can’t think of two better examples of taking a good thing so far over the top as to make it completely impractical.

1) USB Scan Toaster

“Ever wonder what it would feel like to see your face on a 5 dollar bill? A postage  stamp? How about a piece of toast? A finalist in the 2008 Electrolux Design Lap competition, the USB Scan toaster uses hot wires that rotate within a 30° radius to “burn” anything you want onto your piece of toast; the news, weather or snapshots – the delicious possibilities are endless!”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: The NFL Pre-Season

Remember the saying “neccessity is the mother of invention.” Whoever decided they needed to place their likeness on a slice of toast is likely the same type person who thought it was a good idea to schedule a slew of games every year that mean nothing, for which fans get to pay full ride only to see guys who will be loading trucks at UPS in a few weeks.