Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Utah Man Forced to Defend Home Against Polygamist Female Ninjas
Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: CBS News Uses Ferguson Riots to Inject Race Into Little League Baseball
This post may sound like it belongs on Turtle Boy Sports (which is an awesome read, by the way…), but what I saw on my television this morning literally made me spew coffee across my living room. I’m watching my local morning news during which CBS News does a two-minute cut-in with a “headlines of the day”-type bit. This led to me taking in what was either the sloppiest bit of film editing in the history of broadcast journalism or somebody at CBS has an agenda.
The footage starts in Ferguson, where the media has turned this story into your “Riot Roll;” 5 seconds of protestors holding signs and generally being non-violent, followed by 30 seconds of looters smashing windows and stealing property. Despite the fact we’ve clearly switched the visual from “protestors” to people clearly involved in criminal behavior, CBS still insists on referring to them as “protestors.” What I can’t figure out is are they doing this to portray peaceful; protestors as criminals, or are they trying not to admit that 95% of what is going on in Ferguson is not protesting, it’s rioting?
Look, I’m not going to pretend like I can’t figure out what the media will do when it comes to stories involving race. They are nothing if not predictably consistent. That’s why how they handled the Little League story which followed the Ferguson coverage surprised me. It’s obvious the media has turned the Ferguson situation from a story involving an interaction with a tragic end between the police and a person who was a suspect in a “strong-arm” robbery into a two-week long race riot. I’m on record plenty of times on this blog saying that racism will exist in this country as long as people can make money from it. Make no mistake, that is exactly what Ferguson is all about.
I could go into the old conservative wheeze about how black people kill each other all the time and nobody gives a shit. I could point out that once an incident crosses racial lines, it becomes a Shark Week-level media feeding frenzy. Both of those statements miss the point that outlets like CBS News are in the business of sensationalism, and they will do anything they can to inflame a story to increase the number of eyeball on their media presence.
So, what the hell does that have to do with Little League? First of all, because CBS News went straight from one story in which they are clearly and deliberately race-baiting, to another where they exploited a bunch of children to do exactly the same thing. There have been two media darlings in this year’s Little League World Series; Mo’ne Davis, the star pitcher from Philadelphia, and the “Jackie Robinson West” team from Chicago. Well, those two faced each other last night, with the Chicago team emerging victorious. I had been suspicious all along that at some point, the race issue was going to be brought to the forefront by some media hack, and I was right. Predictably, it happened once there was only one such story to cover.
While the Davis story has been fun to watch strictly from a sports perspective, you knew all along that somebody was waiting for the time to ride the fact she’s a girl and black. You could tell this because all the while we are trumpeting her dominant 70-mph fastball, and her phenomenal strike-out numbers, nobody mentioned the fact that in her last start, she was essentially the losing pitcher. The ugly reality was the “dominant” pitcher everybody wanted to make into a story gave up three earned runs in two innings pitched.
Thankfully for the media, they still have the “Jackie Robinson West” team. Obviously, they have yet to be referred to as the “Chicago” team, because using Robinson’s name as often as possible paints the needed picture. If you doubt this, ask yourself a question. in a 30-second piece, why did CBS News use the terms “Jackie Robinson” and “all-black team” a combined five times? Do the math…that means CBS News saw fit to tell you this team was comprised exclusively of black kids once every six seconds, despite the fact you could easily see that for yourself in the video.
I’m almost afraid to watch the Little League U.S. Championship game tomorrow night. I’m hoping that we won’t see another stooping to a new low as set by CBS News. The Chicago team will face what I think is the best team in this tournament; a junior-sized lumber company from Las Vegas. Nobody has needed to mention the fact that team is comprised of all white players, just like nobody pointed out the Japanese and South Korean teams are made up exclusively of Asians.
You know that somebody somewhere will beat the race drum if the Chicago kids advance to the World Championship game. For the sake of racism for fun and profit, we will be treated to a bunch of bilge about black kids, white kids, and Asian kids; all the while the hacks at places like CBS News won’t care about the most important thing. They are just kids.
Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Can You Imagine What Would Happen If Tony Stewart Had Killed A Black Teenager?
At first glance, the title of this piece seems ludicrous, but the events of this past week in upstate New York and suburban St. Louis share one overarching theme. In both cases, there is a world full of people who not only want me to jump to conclusions based on what they want to believe, they expect me to do so based on on some flimsy mob mentality to which they’ve subscribed.
In case you were on the International Space Station this week and NASA forgot to pay the cable bill, on Saturday night at a race track in Canandaigua, New York, NASCAR driver Tony Stewart struck and killed fellow driver Kevin Ward, Jr. who had exited his car after colliding with Stewart’s car. A few days before that in Ferguson, Missouri, Michael Brown was shot and killed during a confrontation with police. While these two incidents are a thousand miles and worlds apart, they are bound by several common threads.
First of all is the aforementioned mob mentality. I’m surrounded by people who looked a the video of the Stewart incident and are convinced this was a act of stone-cold murder. While I’m willing to admit that video looks bad, I’m also not willing to forgo due process because of it. As far as the Brown situation is concerned, this is just another in a long line of incidents where there is a predisposed, politically-correct determination of the sequence of events based solely on the race of the person who ended up dead.
Instead of looking at these situations by poo-pooing what I don’t know, let’s look at what I do know. It seems to me that getting run over is a fair risk to expect from walking around on a race track. There’s really no denying that is what happened, regardless of whatever else comes to light. In other words, Ward could not have been run over had he stayed in his car.
Ironically, by all witness accounts, the incident between Brown and the police began when Brown and another unidentified male approached the officer’s car and began a physical confrontation with him when he attempted to exit his squad car. The accounts of what happened after that point vary greatly, but the end was not vague at all.
While I’m spending my morning spewing coffee across the room at how outlandish the coverage of both these stories is becoming; at least the outraged NASCAR fans are equating the need for justice with the right to smash the windows at a Wal-Mart and steal a 50-inch flat screen. But that isn’t the only way terms are getting confused.
In a rare moment when ESPN wasn’t bleating the Stewart story this morning, they did one of those “puff” pieces about a BASE jumper who blew out his spine jumping off a bridge. While they are telling the story of his “comeback,” the kept using the word “tragedy” to describe his injury. What happened to this guy was not a “tragedy;” a six-year old getting mowed down in a crosswalk is a “tragedy.” Ending up in a wheelchair because you played “patty-cake” with a bridge piling is not a “tragedy,” it’s an occupational hazard.
Know what else are occupational hazards? Sucking a fender at fifty miles an hour because you are an impulsive hothead, and eating a bullet because you picked a fight with a guy wearing a gun. In other words, what is really infuriating about the coverage of both of these stories is the media has this silly need to obfuscate the fact that both of these stories have a distinct “it takes two to tango” factor. No matter how much white-wash you sling, there’s no denying if you don’t want to get run over, you shouldn’t walk around on race-tracks. A great way not to get shot by the police is not to start fist fights with them. And if you cripple yourself jumping off bridges, don’t let ESPN use you to reinforce the idea that we bear no responsibility for what happens to us anymore.
Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: The Indianapolis Colts Now Have Sensitivity Training Classes For Fans
Thanks to the Indianapolis Colts, we have yet another solid gold example of the further hypocritical pussification of America.
The following sentence gives us the “pussification” part.
The Colts pre-season starts this weekend. There are some new security policies in place but one thing remains the same. Behaving badly at Lucas Oil Stadium can get you booted and banned from returning.
That may be true, but it seems there is a wide gulf in the definition of “unruly behavior.”
It’s people who are unruly, yelling, screaming, standing up in front of you and getting obnoxious, the normal stuff that happens when people drink too much.
OK, football fans.. if I were to ask 10,000 of you which team has fans who get completely out of control, the number who said “the Colts” would be somewhere between “zero” and “are you fucking kidding me?” This stupid-ass article even admits that.
While Colts fans are known for being among the best-behaved in the league, some do get out of control. According to the Capital Improvement Board, which runs Lucas Oil Stadium, last season 64 fans were ejected from the stadium with nine arrested.
Let’s run those numbers, shall we? Between the exhibition and regular seasons, the Colts had ten home games in 2012. The capacity of Lucas Oil Stadium is 67,000 fans. That means the number fans that were kicked out equals .00095% of the total. That’s less than 7 total per game. That means the Indianapolis Police Department could transport all of them with one full-size van. Let’s contrast that with Philadelphia, where the conversation about how big to build the in-stadium jail at Lincoln Financial Field took such a dominant position in the construction planning they fucking forgot to put in drinking fountains. The Eagles literally had to hand out bottled water while that problem was fixed. Think about that for a moment…in a stadium in a city where the fans are notorious for throwing batteries, they gave them two-pound bottles of water which could cave your skull right in when tossed from the upper deck.
What’s the biggest problem they have in Indianapolis? Did somebody throw a Steak N’ Shake wrapper? For those of you who don’t know, let me describe the typical Colts’ fan to you. Take the whining nature of a Minnesota Viking fan, combine it with the football knowledge of an Amazonian tribesman, sprinkle in some slavish idolatry for Tony “Bat-Boy” Dungy, and cover it all with a 6XL Peyton Manning Denver Broncos jersey hiding at least three sets of those giant, blue-veined, unisex rain-gutter titties they all have and you are pretty much there. The sports talk radio station in Indianapolis is the only one where you can actually hear somebody getting the Heimlich Manuever live on the air and nobody seems surprised.
Let’s face it. Of course Colts’ fans are well-behaved, because 90% of them get winded answering the phone. The average female Colts’ fan has more Chins than a Shanghai phone book, and the average male Colts’ fan hasn’t seen his own junk in so long he couldn’t find it with an Earthquake Rescue Team and the sonar from “Hunt From Red October.” What the fuck are these people going to do? Sweat aggressively? Run over your toe with their Hoverround?
That’s only the first problem with this bullshit. Now for the hypocritical part.
The very same Colts franchise which is crying about unruly fans is the very same one who feeds them and gets them piss-drunk. That’s right…the Colts control all the concessions at Lucas Oil Field, which means you can forget about them ever getting rid of beer sales even though they are crying about alcohol creating part of their non-existent “unruly” fan problem. In other words, this is all a giant smoke-screen because the Colts will never give up the 100% profit share they get from beer sales.
So, why would the Colts a) cry about a problem that doetn’t exist and b) create something as patently stupid as a “fan conduct course?” Let’s see if you can figure that out as we walk through this.
As they were escorted out, they were given a letter outlining the Colts “fan conduct class.” It’s a four-hour online course which fans kicked out of a game must pay $75 to take and pass if they wish to attend future games at the stadium.
Larry Hall, Vice President of Ticket Operations and Guest Services for the Colts, explained, “We want everyone to have a good time, but never at someone else’s expense. So if someone uses foul language or excessive alcohol that would be against the fan code of conduct.
While Hall said this year it’s now an NFL best practice, the Colts were one of the original teams to adopt the rule. He said the course covers everything from alcohol abuse and stadium policies to stress management and communication skills.
“In the end it’s meant to be an educational process in which they come away with a better understanding of their behavior and how it affects others trying to enjoy the game,” Hall said.
Did you pick up on it yet? There’s a distinct reason why the Colts are doing this. If you don’t have it yet, try another few lines from the original article.
Fans attending the Colts camp in Anderson were surprised to hear about the course, but mostly supportive.
Carol Simpson said, “I think it’s really fair, to keep it safe and especially with families.”
Her husband Scott Simpson agreed. “The days of the 1960s and 1970s macho fan are over and football has really spread out its fan base.”
Janice Houghton added, “It sounds beneficial. When you have people that don’t use common sense and respond in suitable ways, they might need some help.”
If you haven’t’ figured it out by now, I’ll just tell you. The Bryan Stow incident scared the shit of out of every major-league sports owner, but not enough to where they did anything that would make a difference. Their need to “do something” while making sure to not touch the profits leads to shit like “sensitivity training.” This is the product of group-think between incompetent lawyers and brain-dead executives in an exercise that marries “The Emperor Is Naked” scenarios with classic “having cake and eating it too” mentality.
You can have all the “sensitivity training” you want and it won’t change anything. The best salesman in any company will always get away with grabbing the ass of any secretary he wants because he makes money. The same applies to stadium concessions. They are always going to sell beer because the money they make it too good even after paying off for the occasional incident. “Sensitivity training” is just a way of saying “Gee, we know we have a problem, and we are sure trying to solve it by doing just about anything but the one thing we know would stop the problem.”
I’m not enough of a Pollyanna to think the top salesman will ever get fired for a little game of “grab-ass,”, and I’m not naive enough to think stadium concessions will ever stop selling alcohol. But telling me that “sensitivity training” will solve these issues is like pissing on my foot and telling me it’s is raining. The problem is that this is yet another story that shows that this country has far too many people who think it only rains on their foot.
So, here I am channel-surfing on July 4th, the birthday of the greatest nation on earth, and what do I see? An unmistakable sign that the future of this country is a dark and barbarous place that hopefully I won’t live to see. In a country which already has a rampant obesity problem, we are celebrating a national holiday by watching a bunch of guys attempt to eat their weight in hot dogs.
Think about that for a minute.
First of all, aren’t we as a nation fucking fat enough? Just for purposes of full disclosure, I’m part of that problem. I will admit that I am a middle-aged guy who is bigger around the middle than he should be, but there was a day when I decided that needed to change. Over the last couple of years, I’ve made it a point to make sure there is 40 pounds less of me. Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t going to be one of those preachy-ass “mommy blogs” about how I’m only feeding my family quinoa and organic soybeans. Fuck that noise. As a matter of fact, the really ironic part is as I’m writing a blog pointing out the completely fucked-up nature of a hot-dog eating contest, Mrs. Dubsism is grilling bratwursts for lunch.
That’s right. Despite my objection to this bacchanalian orgy of cylindrical meat, I too love a collection of meat-like substances loaded with nitrates and shoved into a tube. Why? Because I’m a goddamn American, that’s why. I don’t give a shit what kind of animal it was; if you grind it, spice it, and shove it in a casing, I’m there. But you know what? When you start sweating pork grease and your pulse becomes more erratic than the drummer in a high-school garage band, it is time to dial it back.
Seriously, just go to any supermarket in America and see how many people you see who are roughly the size of a Ford F-150. Look at how many people you see who are so fucking fat they get winded driving their motorized shopping cart. I saw a guy the other day who was so corpulent he needed to use elastic bandages to keep the skin on his legs from exploding. Then look at the shit they buy. Better yet, look at how they buy it.
One of the things that drives me absolutely fucking crazy is when I have to listen to this bullshit about “hungry” people in this country. This country is floating on food, and the fact that we’ve made eating a sport only proves that. Doubt that? When you are at the supermarket counting the truck-sized people, make a note of how full of food those giant buildings are. Then note how many trucks there are behind it bringing even more food. Then, to top it off, make note of how many of those human beachballs are filling their motorized shopping carts with absolute shit, then paying for it with some sort of welfare. Add it all up, and it becomes clear that we don’t have a hunger problem in this country, we have an epidemic of bad decision-making.
Yeah, I know right now, some bleeding-heart asshole out there is getting ready to tell me all about malnutrition in America and claim some wholly unprovable statistic. Not too long ago, I saw such a bit on a local news program, and every single one of the people they claimed were “suffering from hunger” and depended on a food bank all weighed at least 300 pounds. Besides, you can always buy a giant bag of potatoes for four bucks.
For comparison, let’s look at a place where there is real hunger. Pick your favorite third-world country; you know the kind where they are telling me they can feed some poor kid on only cents per day. Now, those people look hungry; they’ve got ribs sticking out and they have flies walking on their faces. You simply cannot look hungry with part of a McNugget stuck in your neck fat.
By now, you are asking just what the hell does this have to do with competitive eating? There’s another comparison that answers that question. Logic would dictate that a guy who make a living eating 60 hot dogs would know all about the benefits of elastic-waist pants? Seriously, how can one be involved in a sport which keeps statistics like “dogs per minute” and not weigh as much as an NFL offensive line?
You’re going to have to follow me close on this one. First, keep in mind these guys clearly aren’t eating because they are hungry of all; they eat because there’s money in it. Better yet, they aren’t eating any of that quinoa-soybean shit either. These guys are making a living gutting tacos, pizza, and all the other processed death stuff you see the scooter set buying. But if you see these competitive-gorgefests, you can’t help but notice the professional eaters aren’t aren’t morbidly obese; in fact several of them appeared to be in pretty damn good shape.
When you put it all together, it spells doom for America. Not only have we turned a basic survival instinct into competitive sport, we have a nation full of people who are eating at a professional level and not getting paid for it. Worse yet, these amateur face-stuffers aren’t even any good at it; i’st an eating “fail” if you can eat 60 hot dogs and somebody still thinks you are hungry.
Happy Birthday, America! Enjoy it while you still can.
Signs We Are Near the End Of Civilization: They Are Teaching Your Kids To Masturbate with a Tetherball Pole
I’ll admit, it is really only the mention of tetherball that provides even the loosest tie to the world of sports, but if there were ever a sign that we are hurtling toward the apocalypse, this HAS to be it.
Let’s be honest. The American approach to sex education has throughout history has been incredibly puritanical. Hell, I can remember when I was a kid how controversial the Judy Blume book Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret was because it (gasp) discussed menstruation. But what authors Joani Blank and Marcia Quackenbush have done with their collaborative work A Kids First Book About Sex blows waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past that.
Mrs. Dubsism is a fan of “The Walking Dead,” which before she exposed me to that show, I thought was a term to describe Jacksonville Jaguars. Little did I know that joke would lead to the discovery of real NFL zombies. From The Big Lead:
Hines Ward will appear on an episode of AMC’s The Walking Dead as a zombie. Ward played football at Georgia with Robert “IronE” Singleton who played T-Dog on the show. Ward said he enjoyed it, but apparently it was a harrowing experience.
“Just being in makeup preparing me for my role was cool. I actually scared myself when I looked in the mirror for the first time after.”
Now for the only question that matters – Who kills the bitch-ass zombie version of Hines Ward? I’m going with Carl.
Yeah, Carl is a psychotic little shit, but Darrell is a killing machine.
Yeah, you read that headline right. There’s a breeder making accusations that somebody is raping their horses.
Before you read any further, ask yourself a question. When you read a story like this, isn’t the first thing that pops into your head something like “WTF? Where in the hell would something like this happen.” Then you think, as always, it has to be either Wisconsin or Florida.
An owner and breeder of world-class miniature horses in Florida is hoping video surveillance footage will help identify the person suspected of sexually assaulting several of her horses and killing her watchdog.
First of all, you know you aren’t shocked this is happening in Florida. Secondly, notice how the dead watchdiog only gets mentioned as an after-thought. At least that gives us something else for which we can blame Michael Vick.
“Since May, we have had someone come into our barn on several occasions in the middle of the night and take our miniature show horses and sexually attack them.”
On Sunday, [Abby] Conder got her first glimpse of the apparent perpetrator when she reviewed video footage from inside her barn recorded earlier that morning.
“Someone’s got to know this man,” Conder said. “He’s been in this area at least eight months now. These are babies I have raised and it’s affected them psychologically. It’s hard to get in a stall with them and I can’t get near their rear ends to put a harness on them.”
Yeah, you just read that. Admit it, when you read the word “babies,” you thought about making a “Jerry Sandusky” joke. Don’t even try to deny it…and you know the line about “getting near their rear ends” made coffee shoot out of your nose.
Conder said she has filed seven reports with the Marion County Sheriff’s Office and the agency has offered little assistance in catching the person responsible. “The police come out, take a report and go away. They don’t help us,” Conder said. “The officer said we had to get this person on film. He said, ‘If you get them on film, it will help us identify him.’ So we bought a night-vision camera and put it in the barn. I checked it every day and nothing. Then, on Sunday morning, there he was in the barn.”
Conder…said she was excited to finally have the image, but dismayed after she met with a deputy with the sheriff’s office.
“I called the police and said I had him on film,” she said. “They came out, did a little report and I offered them the film. They said, ‘No, we can’t use that for anything.’ They said what I would need to do is find out when he is in the barn, catch him and call them.”
Do you know why the cops aren’t a big hurry to help this woman and her horses? I’m not even sure having sex with a horse is even illegal in Florida. Don’t laugh, in Wisconsin it was legal to have sex with a corpse until 2008.
That why shit like this always happens there or in Florida.
If you want to get a long and pointless discussion started, just bring up the subject of internet bullying. One of the things that makes that argument pointless is that it ignores real bullying, and to ignore real bullying is to ignore the occasionally hilarious stories it produces, like this one from the Ventura County Star,
A former New Mexico high school basketball player fed up with bully has filed his own lawsuit against two former teammates who he said put urine in his hair gel.
In a lawsuit filed recently in New Mexico’s 13th Judicial District, Rio Rancho High School senior Wake Gardner claimed that fellow basketball players Carlos Sanchez and Christopher Gutierrez played the prank against him last April after a series of bullying episodes.
The lawsuit said the boys also threw urine on his clothing and other gear inside his gym locker.
I guess these bullies really pissed this guy off, eh? Oh, stop your groaning. You knew it had to be said. Besides, if you don’t want to see worse jokes, you’d better stop reading right here.
Let’s just go with the “urine in the hair gel angle.” Lucky it was just urine, or we’d have some sort of “Something About Mary” angle on our hands.
Then there’s the whole bit about dousing the guy’s clothes in urine. That’s just a piss-poor excuse for a prank.
Not to mention, what sort of sick bastard puts pee on other people’s stuff? The sort of guys who will have distinct problems with “pee-don’t pee” boundaries later in life.
Don’t even be the guy who writes a comment about how bullying is a serious problem. I know that, which is why there are a bazillion other websites for that. Certainly don’t be the guy who writes a comment telling me how much this post is in poor taste. I know that too, which is exactly why I wrote it. You can never pass up the opportunity to make fun of exceptionally stupid stuff. But most importantly, don’t be “that guy” because you were warned, and nothing pisses me off more than people who ignore warnings.
See, you’ve been warned again…
Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: When Tragedy Gets Sports Used As A Pulpit For Failed Politics
Obviously, this piece is being written in the aftermath of the horrific event at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Before I go anywhere with this, I’m going to quote fellow Sports Blog Movement member Patrick Young who really encapsulated this terrible tragedy in relevance to a sports blog as well as I think it can be done.
Like many people, I have been deeply troubled by what happened in Newtown, CT this past Friday. Obviously not as much as the residents of the town, and certainly not nearly as much as the victims’ families, but my heart truly breaks every time I think about that tragedy for more than a second. I have found it difficult to force myself to write about anything as trivial as sports, and writing about the tragedy itself is not something I can accomplish. I simply do not have the words.
To the residents of Newtown, Connecticut, and specifically the victims’ families, you have my unending sympathy. If there was anything I could ever do to help you in this time of grief, I would do it without question. May God grant you peace and understanding.
But unlike Young’s eloquent words, I happen to see a relationship between what happened both in the Jovan Belcher situation and at Sandy Hook because in no time at all, both of them were used by people to advance a political agenda, and sports were used as a conduit to do so.
Having said that, it is time for a disclaimer. The following opinions are those of J-Dub, and do not necessarily reflect those of Patrick Young or any other member of Sports Blog Movement. In other words, if what you are about to read pisses you off, take it up with J-Dub and nobody else.