Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Vancouver Canucks

1 06 2011

1) The Canucks are the team of “‘Gleeks.”

For those of you lucky enough to not know what a “Gleek” is…”Gleek” = fans of that caterwauling Fox show “Glee;” the show takes music, lets a bunch of Off-Broadway hacks rape the shit out of it, then wipe their collective dick on your eardrums. If music were left to “Gleeks,” it would all sound like elevator music led by those kids from your high-school drama club who always stunk of clove cigarettes and seems as though they were trying to sing through their noses. They killed music, and I will be damned if I’m going to let them have hockey.

2) Roberto Luongo is Secretly a Movie Star.

If that weren’t bad enough, Luongo is actually the “Borat” guy.

3) A Canuck victory will unleash a torrent of psychopathic serial killers.

It’s no accident that these guys wear hockey masks.  It’s no accident that Jason Voorhees  came from a heavily wooded area like the Pacific Northwest.  It’s no accident Vancouver is in the Pacific Northwest. The logic is clear. The Pacific Northwest is a breeding ground for the Jason Voorhees’ of the world, and they’ve been bottling up their frustration over forty years of Canuck choke-jobs. When the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup and ended decades of futility, fans in Chicago responded by burning squad cars. Can you  imagine what a horde of machete-wielding psychopaths will do?

4) Exactly what the fuck is a “Canuck?”

First, there’s the definition according to Merriam-Webster:

  • Ca·nucknoun \kə-ˈnək sometimes -ˈnu̇k\
  • Definition of CANUCK  : a Canadian and especially a French Canadian

But, you would have to comb through the history of Vancouver Canucks logos to understand that. First, there’s the one you will likely see tonight.

Nowhere in that definition does it say anything about killer whales. So, let’s say I’m wrong, and the Canucks wear their alternate logo.

That definition doesn’t say anything about hockey sticks either, but at least this one makes a bit of sense. After all, they are playing hockey. It is like if the Houston Astros wore a baseball bat logo, since nobody really knows what the hell an “Astro” is.

It’s gets a little closer to the dictionary definition when the logo combines what appears to be a French Canadian lumberjack with a hockey motif.

But, it is completely lost when the French Canadian lumberjack gets morphed into what looks like a Spanish conquistadore.

Who can support a team that has no identity?  Certainly not a blogger who is on record on the Kev and Rev Show saying “Bruins in 7…”





Why The Olympics Creep Me Out

17 02 2010

Actually, there’s a whole host of reasons, but the one that really has me bugged today – Why are there so many creepy doppelgängers in Vancouver?

Start with the opening ceremony. I think we all know K.D. Lang is a lesbian, but who knew Clay Aiken is one too?

Then, there’s this guy.

First, they’ve got him out in some flash-frozen chunk of desolation Canada needlessly bothering polar bears. Then, they have him hosting the late-night coverage so we can watch him get a bit excited over some of those curling babes. Next thing you know, they’ll have a movie about a puckhead playing the Tooth Fairy.

Speaking of puckheads, I had no idea they could be funny and play net for Canada. Now think I think of it, shouldn’t Borat be playing for Kazakhstan?

The snowboarders have their own movie star as well, and it isn’t even from one of those Cheech and Chong toke-fests. Although, perhaps had they been smoking a little reefer in that cornfield, Malachi would have mellowed out a bit.

Forget about doppelgängers for a moment. I’ve always been convinced that Wayne Gretzky and Meryl Streep are actually the same person. Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time?

Seriously, this could be one of those “before and after” ads, or if “The Great One” went to Glamor Shots.








Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 119 other followers