Without any further fanfare, let’s just get to the stuff week one of the NFL season showed us.
1) Peyton Manning’s performance hid the fact the Broncos’ defense sucks.
If Thursday night taught us anything, it’s that the Broncos are indeed going to struggle on the defensive side of the ball. By “struggle,” we’re talking something akin to a turtle on its back getting gang-raped by a group of Hell’s Angels all to an all Kenny G soundtrack. If you consider all of the mistakes that Baltimore made offensively, the fact that Denver gave up 27 points is pretty pathetic. Ray Rice is a pretty solid “yards after contact” guy, but against the Ponies defense, he got more second chances than Robert Downey Jr.
Not to mention, we aren’t even counting the mistake made on the interception return that by all that is right in the football universe should have resulted in yet another Broncos’ touchdown. This is where Danny Trevathan had a “Honey Badger meets DeSean Jackson” level brain-fart. After making the pick, and cruising to what should have been the “pick-six” part of this, he inexplicably released the ball before he crossed the goal line in a momentary lapse of judgment reminiscent of a young DeSean Jackson. As you would hope, Denver defensive coordinator Jack Del Rio ripped Trevathan’s ass open like he was Edward Norton in the prison shower scene in American History X, because Denver can’t expect Grandpa Manning to chuck 7 touchdowns every week.
1) The Ravens’ Ring of Honor
Many teams do this, but nobody does it in such a fucked-up “we really have no history” manner. Just look at it.
- Earnest “The Fumble” Byner
- Johnny Unitas, who didn’t even play for this franchise. He’s here because he was a Baltimore sports legend. Cal Ripken, Jr, goes up on the Ring next year.
- Michael McCrary, who only played five season in Baltimore, and spent half of two of them injured.
- Peter Boulware, who was realeased TWICE by the Ravens.
- Jonathan Ogden, who is the best player on this list who actually played for the Ravens. nobody knows him because he was an offensive lineman.
- Matt Stover, a kicker whose main claim to fame in Baltimore is that he isn’t Billy Cundiff.
It’s time for another one of our patented Dubsism comparisons with another gem we found over at Listverse. As the title suggests, we found a list of ten books that literally defy explanation, until you realize the sports world is full of figure who could have easily written such strange stuff.
10) How to Abandon Ship – Written by Phil Richards and John J. Banigan
Apparently, getting off a sinking ship is more complicated than you’d think! First published in 1938, this novel little volume was written from the voice of experience since one of its authors was forced by the Nazis to abandon the Robin Moor before they torpedoed it in 1941. While the authors do discuss the necessity of departing one’s ship in an orderly fashion due to a variety of circumstances, they also explore concepts like buoyancy and open sea boatmanship. Just in case you thought jumping off was a matter of counting three and hoping for the best, give this informative survival guide a try if you have any plans to go sailing.
Could Have Been Written By: Bobby Petrino
Honestly, who knows more about jumping ship than Petrino? He bailed on Louisville, then bailed on the Atlanta Falcons before the season was even over, then bailed on his wife which ultimately got him tossed over overboard at Arkansas.
9) Gangsta Rap Coloring Book – Written by Anthony “Aye Jay” Moreno
Many adults do enjoy coloring and this is certainly a selection better suited to a grown-up than a kid since it features a cover-size gun, well, right on the cover. Many of hip-hop’s most memorable and, indeed, colorful rappers are depicted by thick black illustrations that await the bold hand of an artist. Biggie dares you to color him pink. Thugs to some and musical superstars to many, these rappers will have you sharpening your kids’ Crayolas in no time (see bizarre book selection #3 for assistance). Since this book was published in 2004, copies are still widely available from venues like Amazon.com.
Could Have Been Written By: Ron Artest
While not an exact match, it isn’t hard to imagine that a guy just enough off-center to pen a rap shout-out to his therapist might be the same guy to make a gangsta coloring book. It makes about as much sense as celebrating an NBA Championship with a song written long before Artest joined the Lakers.
8 ) The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices – Written by Brenda Love
This book might stifle conversations as much as it starts them depending on who you invite over. In general, this is not mother-in-law material, so hide it from the coffee table when she visits. With 700 entries that include everything from love potions to the most unusual sexual practices on earth, this book does contain and portray some highly unusual stuff that is not for the faint of heart. Anyone interested in the bizarre or, at least, highly unusual practices of humans will be both shocked and entertained to learn what floats some people’s boats when it comes to sexuality.
Could Have Been Written By: Rex Ryan
7) Urine Therapy! Confessions of a Mad Pee Drinker - Written by P.P. Powers
One would expect this to be a joke book given the pseudonym of the author, but urine drinking for health benefits is a real concept and this isn’t the only book devoted to it – just the one with the best title, book jacket, and personal reflections. Published in 2007, this intriguing “self-improvement” book, as described by its own author, suggests that drinking one’s own urine over a period of time can cure chronic ailments. The author describes his own experiences drinking “midstream morning urine” and how the practice cured his depression, fatigue, dandruff, irritable bowel syndrome, bad skin and fibromyalgia (many readers will be wondering if he’s on Match.com). According to P.P., the fountain of youth may truly be inside each and every one of us.
Could Have Been Written By: Ray Lewis
In a world full of performance-enhancing drugs, Lewis is claiming to have found a fountain of youth in some unknown vegetable juice concoction. I’m not casting any aspersions here, but I’ve always been suspicious of “miracle” diets and vitamin supplements…especially ever since the Jim Carrey Juice Weasel.
6) Manifold Destiny – Written by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller
It’s true that twenty-first century vehicles are far better insulated than twentieth century cars, making this a nearly-obsolete cookbook unless you have a vintage car – probably anything pre-1990. On the other hand, if your engine runs hot, this cookbook is still in print and filled with many great recipes that you can make right on your car engine. Ideal for traveling cooks who don’t mind cooking with fumes, this book covers one-of-kind cookery. One reviewer maintained that engines steam everything and always leave his vegetables al dente, but if you can discover the knack of this vehicular art, you’ll never have to pull into a greasy roadside diner again! You can crank open your hood and run your own!
Could Have Been Written By: Prince Fielder
Prince’s dad traveled everywhere…Toronto, Detroit, Japan, New York. Prince has logged a few lies himself between Milwaukee and Detroit. You would think a couple of big guys putting on some big miles might have tried a manifold burger at some point…especially since I never swallowed that “Prince Fielder is a vegetarian” twaddle.
5) Natural Bust Enlargement – Written by Donald L. Wilson
Published by the Total Mind Power Institute in 1979, this book takes the “I think I can, I think I can” concept to a surprising new level. One must assume that there might be a few glitches contained in this highly unusual do-it-yourself book or the cosmetic surgery industry wouldn’t be booked quite so solid with breast enhancement appointments. As an odd publication, it does, however, have its place in lists of bizarre books. Kudos to the book’s cover, as well.
Could Have Been Written By: Morganna, The Kissing Bandit
Obviously, there’s two reasons why Morganna is the choice for authoring this book.
4) If We Can Keep a Severed Head Alive – Written by Chet Fleming
Published in 1988, this book also contains the author and inventor’s patent for a device that keeps the head of a mammal alive. A considerable portion of this book provides an explanation as to why this inventor, who is also a practicing attorney, devised a patent he says he does not intend to use. It’s unclear as to whether or not Fleming advocates the practice of keeping severed heads alive or simply wants to explore the possibilities that the marvels of science and technology may provide in the future.
Could Have Been Written By: Dick Vitale
Honestly, has there been a better example of a severed head being kept needlessly alive that Dickie V?
3) How to Sharpen Pencils – Written by David Rees
If you’ve ever lamented that you stuck your pencil into a cheap twenty-five-cent plastic sharpener – those children’s gadgets that break more tips than they sharpen – this book is for you! Painstakingly crafted and nearly exhaustive in its coverage of an unusual subject, this author treats pencil sharpening seriously and, upon reading it, you’ll take it more seriously, too. Witty and informative, this highly irregular volume may seem bizarre unless you happen to be sitting there with a broken pencil and are unsure how to best sharpen it for use again.
Could Have Been Written By: Vince Young
Anybody with a Wonderlic score of 6 obviously is a dumb ass who might need a step-by-step to sharpen a pencil.
2) C is for Chafing – Written by Mark Remy
A child’s alphabet book of running, this strange little book and its correspondingly disturbing cover is about the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly sides of running. The title, of course, simply dares the onlooker to open this book up and give it a whirl, but some of the subject matter, like vomiting after a race, is about as gross a topic as that covered in Walter the Farting Dog: Banned from the Beach by William Kotzwinkle, an honorable mention and runner up for this list of bizarre books.
Could Have Been Written By: Olympic Speedwalkers
If that walking motion doesn’t give you a chafing problem, then it doing with a load in your shorts must guarantee a dose of “fire crotch.”
1) Gadsby – Written by Ernest Vincent Wright
It’s unclear what the author had against this most popular of vowels when he wrote this novel of constrained writing, but there is, indeed, no trace of this letter in the work. Considering all the English verbs that require the –ed ending, this is a remarkable, albeit bizarre, achievement. This self-published work is a highly collectible book in spite of its unusual treatment of a popular letter. Published in 1939, this odd novel is perfectly readable and contains a reasonable plot, proving that the letter “e” is not as e-ssential as one might have thought.
Could Have Been Written By: Former Baltimore Ravens Head Coach Brian Billick
Not only does his name also have no “e” in it, he won a Super Bowl with no “O.”
It’s official…New Orleans Saints quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees is the cover athlete for Madden NFL 11.
Brees won out over Minnesota Vikings’ serial drunk-driver defensive end Jared Allen and Indianapolis Colts wide receiver Reggie Wayne in EA Sports’ first fan voting campaign to choose the cover athlete. Of course, this means Brees is likely to be the next to suffer the “Madden Curse:”
- 2010 – Troy Polamalu: Played only five games due to knee injuries
- 2007 - Shaun Alexander: Fractured foot, missed six games
- 2006 - Donovan McNabb: Sports hernia, missed seven games; feuded with Terrell Owens all year; had been to five straight Pro Bowls, hasn’t been since
- 2005 – Ray Lewis: Broke wrist, missed one game; first season without interception; missed 10 games next year with thigh injury
- 2004 - Michael Vick: Fractured fibula one day after video game was released, missed 11 games; Pro Bowl next 2 seasons; obvious issues since then
- 2003 – Marshall Faulk: Ankle injury, missed two games, never rushed for 1,000 yards again
- 2001 – Daunte Culpepper: 4-7 record before season-ending knee injury
- 2000 - Barry Sanders: Retired one week before training camp
- 1999- Garrison Hearst – Shatters an ankle so badly it takes two years to heal. Hearst is never really an effective NFL player again
So, enjoy it while you can, Saints’ fans, because the odds are soon your quarterback will suffer some sort of disabling injury. Or, he might just plain suck. Either way, this is what you get for not voting for Jared Allen a few more times.
If the calls for the head of Ben Roethlisberger when he has yet to be charged with ANYTHING weren’t bad enough…if the the phony hand-wringing over Michael Vick’s dog-fighting when nobody, repeat nobody, gave a frog’s fat ass about Ray Lewis being involved in a murder and Rae Carruth killing his girlfriend just because he didn’t want to pay child support didn’t exemplify this, then I don’t know why a story of a guy raping his 15-year old sister should matter.
The Sports Pig’s Blog has the tale of NFL offensive lineman prospect Tony Washington, who apparently is such a hot property that people are willing to ignore the fact he is a registered sex offender.
I’m still trying to understand the logic; so far it seems you aren’t allowed to be a white guy or hurt puppies, but anything else goes.