Tag Archives: Randy Moss

The Dubscast, Volume 3: Randy Moss Needs To Retire

jdub dubscastToday’s installment has a bit of a Sesame Street feel to it, as it is brought to you by the letter “R” and the number “36,” all of which have to do with the fact that future football Hall of Famer Randy Moss needs to realize his playing days are over.

Hat tip to Blog Surface whose piece inspired this rant…


Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The San Francisco 49ers

sna francisco 49ers team of the 80s video

1) This Video

If the 49ers win, they will join the Green Bay Packers, the team with the most NFL Championships, as the only teams to win a Super Bowl in three different decades. it will also tie them with the Pittsburgh Steelers as having six titles in the Super Bowl era. Invariably, this will lead to some ass-loaf San Francisco fans trying to declare the 49ers as the greatest team of all-time. Then I will have to shoot them.

2) I’m Already Tired Of Jim Harbaugh And His Bullshit

harbaugh schwartz handshake

Harbaugh could easily be the main reason for cheering against the 49ers, but he wouldn’t even be on this list had he beat the shit out of Lions’ head coach Jim Schwartz last year. That would have been the only thing saving him from my labeling Harbaugh as a complete dipshit who inherited a team that was pretty well stocked and then pulled a “Belichick” by finding his star quarterback purely by accident, thanks to an injury.

By the way, did I mention he is a complete hypocrite? It seems everybody forgot what an asshole he made of himself with the lies he told during last off-season’s Peyton Manning Sweepstakes. It seems everybody forgot about how Harbaugh went on this big, dramatic speech telling his players the one thing he won’t tolerate is the abuse of women and how the media used this to show what a great guy Harbaugh is. Of course, right after this, he made sure the 49ers signed Perrish Cox fresh off his somewhat dubious acquittal on sexual assault charges, despite an O.J.-style mountain of physical evidence and particularly damning testimony from his own “wingman” Demaryius Thomas. By the way, there’s still a civil lawsuit pending in this situation, but that obviously doesn’t matter to Harbaugh.

3) God Hates Randy Moss 

Randy “I’m the best ever” Moss. What a fucktard. He’s not even the best to ever wear a 49er uniform. I’m convinced God put David Tyree on the field in 2007 just to make sure Patriots fans would be mumbling about “that fucking helmet catch” in perpetuity. Many people don’t know that “David Tyree” literally translates from ancient Sanskrit meaning “divine punishment for giving a douche-hammer who runs over traffic cops a shot to win a Super Bowl ring.”

4) Thug Life…Bay Area Style

Perrish Cox and Randy Moss are just the tip of the iceberg. Everybody talks about the thug-a-licious nature of the Ravens, but the 49ers relations with the Department of Corrections gets overlooked. Aside from the aforementioned “alleged” rapist and a guy with a rap sheet longer than a “fly” pattern, there’s the Thug Hall-of-Fame-worthy accomplishment of Aldon Smith, who managed to snag a DUI charge, then got stabbed at his own house party. I don’t know how you pull that off, but you have to admit, that is an achievement certainly worthy of dubious note.

justin smith anheuser busch tattoo

By the way, while it isn’t necessarily thug-like, Justin Smith’s Anheuser-Busch tattoo on his bicep is a clear indicator of either future thuggish behavior or his becoming a very popular member of the Dallas Cowboys.

5) The “Fair-Weather” 49er Fan Base

Don't ever let anyone tell San Francisco isn't a baseball town.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you San Francisco isn’t a baseball town.

There’s so many things to hate about a great number of 49er fans. Be advised I’m not talking about the real die-hards; the ones who remember guys like John Brodie, Russ Francis, and what an unmitigated disaster the O.J. Simpson experiment was in the late 70′s. The die-hards who stayed loyal during the years John York butt-fumbled that team into obscurity after the Walsh-Siefert era. If the mere mention of the name “Ken Dorsey” gives you heart palpitations, you are not the 49er fan I’m talking about.

In fact, the people I’m talking about aren’t really fans; they define the term “band-wagoners.” The honest truth is that other than the 387 true “die-hards” I’ve mentioned, the San Francisco fan base worships at the alter of the baseball Giants and only comes around to football after the World Series and only then if the 49ers are winning. The minute the 49ers hired Dennis Erickson, the fans dissolved like the Alka-Seltzer you need after gorging yourself at the Korean barbecue food truck. Real fans go all “Tammy Wynette” and stand by their team. I’m a Philadelphia Eagle fan who still covets his moth-eaten Herm Edwards jersey; the same one who lived through the Rich Kotite years and who hasn’t seen his team win an NFL Championship since before the Super Bowl even existed.

That’s why these people piss me off so much; they don’t deserve a team with such success. These people have been nowhere to be found for damn near fifteen year, but last year they came back in such numbers that white wine and sushi is now again popular at Candlestick Park. Don’t even get me started on how fucking wrong that is.  These are the same butt-nuggets who spent the last decade-and-a-half at the organic, holistic, hippie-fucknut co-op market, then the minute Jim Harbaugh hit town they spewed a bunch of bullshit about how they never lost faith.  You bailed on the 49ers faster than Colin Kaepernick’s birth mother, and now that they are successful, you want back on the football teat.

Forget about the Korean barbecue food truck. You all can eat me.

Teams That Grind My Gears: The Minnesota Vikings

Seriously, I have no idea where to start with this rant. Viking fans have always been a bit delusional; they have to be to be fans of a team that has given them the “Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown treatment” more often than Lucy herself gave it to Charlie Brown.

But that delusion got turbo-charged once the sold they souls on that whole Brett Favre affair. Make no mistake, it is the Favre thing that took the Vi-queens from “Ehhh, Whatever” to “I hope every Viking fan gets sodomized by a syphilitic, eight-penised, laser-breathing space demon.”

Face it, you Purple Failure Eaters, The Brett Favre episode turned you into the whiniest fans ever. If you doubt that, all you have to do is refer back to the precious few days after the NFC Championship loss to the New Orleans Saints. You chose to ignore the fact your team committed five turnovers, you chose to ignore the fact that had it not been for  those five turnovers you would have won by at least two touchdowns, and you chose to ignore that your offensive line sucked so bad that your quarterback, the sainted King Brett I, got his ass handed to him so badly that he panicked his way into that final deal-killing interception.

Instead of accepting the reality that you clearly didn’t deserve to win, instead you claimed the Saints “played dirty” and refused to accept the legitimacy of the Saints’ victory.

This exemplifies the fundamental lesson to which Viking fans have been oblivious for a half-century: Whining stands in the way of winning.  Quit bitching about how the referees screwed you, quit bitching about how the other team cheated, and quit bitching about all the other small-change bullshit you point out rather than accept that your football team has never made the jump from good to great.  In fact, the Vikings don’t even know the difference, let alone being able to make that last step.

The Favre episode was just the purest distillation of the Minnesota Viking credo: don’t bother to improve your team, rather just make a bunch of excuses.  Face another thing, there a reason why the following list exists:

  • 0-4 Super Bowl record
  • No Super Bowl Appearance since 1977
  • 4 NFC Championship Game losses since the last Super Bowl appearance
  • The “Whizzinator”
  • The Love Boat on Lake Minnetonka

While those things are in the past, they are just the mile markers on the road the Vikings are still on. Sunday night’s drubbing at the hands of the exceptionally tepid Chicago Bears proves that. By benching a quarterback they never should have signed in the first place, the Vikings are admitting they’ve made yet another mistake.

There’s an old cliche from the world of literature that those who do not understand history are doomed to repeat it. That should be the mantra of the Minnesota Vikings. With what has happened since the last Super bowl appearance in 1977, it is clear the Vikings do not understand the importance of the quarterback position. And now it continues with Christian Ponder.

Look at this list of the guys who have gotten under center for the Vikings since then (number of games started in parentheses).

  • 1977 Fran Tarkenton (9) / Bob Lee (4) / Tommy Kramer (1)
  • 1978 Fran Tarkenton (16)
  • 1979 Tommy Kramer (16)
  • 1980 Tommy Kramer (15) / Steve Dils (1)
  • 1981 Tommy Kramer (14) / Steve Dils (2)
  • 1982 Tommy Kramer (9) (Season shortened by strike)
  • 1983 Steve Dils (12) / Tommy Kramer (3) / Wade Wilson (1)
  • 1984 Tommy Kramer (9) / Wade Wilson (5) / Archie Manning (2)
  • 1985 Tommy Kramer (15) / Wade Wilson (1)
  • 1986 Tommy Kramer (13) / Wade Wilson (3)
  • 1987 Wade Wilson (7) / Tommy Kramer (5) / Tony Adams (3) (Season shortened by strike)
  • 1988 Wade Wilson (10) / Tommy Kramer (6)
  • 1989 Wade Wilson (12) / Tommy Kramer (4)
  • 1990 Rich Gannon (12) / Wade Wilson (4)
  • 1991 Rich Gannon (11) / Wade Wilson (5)
  • 1992 Rich Gannon (12) / Sean Salisbury (4)
  • 1993 Jim McMahon (12) / Sean Salisbury (4)
  • 1994 Warren Moon (15) / Sean Salisbury (1)
  • 1995 Warren Moon (16)
  • 1996 Warren Moon (8) / Brad Johnson (8)
  • 1997 Brad Johnson (13) / Randall Cunningham (3)
  • 1998 Randall Cunningham (14) / Brad Johnson (2)
  • 1999 Jeff George (10) / Randall Cunningham (6)
  • 2000 Daunte Culpepper (16)
  • 2001 Daunte Culpepper (11) / Todd Bouman (3) / Spergon Wynn (2)
  • 2002 Daunte Culpepper (16)
  • 2003 Daunte Culpepper (14) / Gus Frerotte (2)
  • 2004 Daunte Culpepper (16)
  • 2005 Daunte Culpepper (7) / Brad Johnson (9)
  • 2006 Brad Johnson (14) / Tarvaris Jackson (2)
  • 2007 Tarvaris Jackson (12) / Kelly Holcomb (3) / Brooks Bollinger (1)
  • 2008 Gus Frerotte (11) / Tarvaris Jackson (5)
  • 2009 Brett Favre (16)
  • 2010 Brett Favre (13) / Tarvaris Jackson (1) / Joe Webb (2)
  • 2011 Donovam McNabb (6) / Christian Ponder (?)

That’s quite a list of shame, but it’s nothing compared to the list of horrible player personnel decisions the Vikings have made. It certainly helps to explain why a team with talent never seems to win anything.

Let’s take a look.

1963 – Ron Vanderkelen

Vanderkelen foreshadows the Vikings’ inability to scout quarterbacks, but it’s hard to blame them for this one.  But in retrospect, it fits the pattern.  The Vikes drafted Vanderkelen based largely on his insane record-breaking performance in the 1963 Rose Bowl.

Then, he backed that up with a huge performance in the 1963 Chicago College All-Star Game, which featured a college all-star team against the defending NFL champion Green Bay Packers.  Vanderkelen’s 74-yard touchdown strike leads the college kids to a 20-17 over the Pack, and Vanderkelen was named the MVP.

The trouble was all this hype hid the fact that Vanderkelen wasn’t ever going to be an NFL quarterback, a fact he proved after the Vikings traded Fran Tarkenton in 1967, despite the fact he was the back-up for four years.

1969 – Gary Cuozzo

This is likely the beginning of the long Viking tradition of not understanding the quarterback position, and making bad moves in support of that.  Minnesota coveted Cuozzo, who was the backup to Johnny Unitas and the first starting quarterback for the then expansion New Orleans Saints. The Vikings gave up a first-round draft pick  to New Orleans for a guy who threw more interceptions than touchdowns (43 TD, 55 INT).

1971 – Leo Hayden

The Vikings were in need of a running back, and the best available guy, John Riggins, was already off the board.  Hayden racked up 1,395 rushing yards with seven rushing TDs in three years at Ohio State. This is why the Vikings made Hayden their first-round pick in the 1971 Draft. The problem was Hayden never gained a single yard for the Minnesota Vikings, and they passed over two future Hall-of-Famers (LB Jack Ham, T Dan Dierdorf) to pick Hayden.

1972 – Jeff Siemon

When the Vikings traded QB Joe Kapp to the Patriots, they got the 10th overall pick in the 1972 draft, which they used to select Siemon, a linebacker from Stanford. Two picks later the Steelers selected future Hall-of-Famer RB Franco Harris

1982 – Darrin Nelson

This may be the worst. The Vikings take Nelson, an undersized running back out of  Stanford, with the 7th overall pick; two of the next three picks are Hall-of-Famers G Mike Munchak and RB Marcus Allen.

1983 – Joey Browner

While Browner was a pretty solid safety, a team that needed a quarterback passed on Ken O’Brien and Dan Marino.

1989 and 1990 – Herschel Walker

In what may be the worst trade in sports history… the Vikings wound up with the most overrated running back in the NFL; in return they basically gave the Cowboys two Super Bowl championships.

In this deal, the Minnesota Vikings received:

  • RB Herschel Walker
  • Dallas’s 3rd round pick – 1990 (54th) (Mike Jones)
  • San Diego’s 5th round pick – 1990 (116th) (Reggie Thornton)
  • Dallas’s 10th round pick – 1990 (249th) (Pat Newman)
  • Dallas’s 3rd round pick – 1991 (68th) (Jake Reed)

In return, the Dallas Cowboys received:

  • LB Jesse Solomon
  • LB David Howard
  • CB Issiac Holt
  • RB Darrin Nelson (traded to San Diego after he refused to report to Dallas)
  • DE Alex Stewart
  • Minnesota’s 1st round pick in 1990 (21st – traded this pick along with the 81st pick for the 17th pick from Pittsburgh to draft Hall-of-Famer Emmitt Smith)
  • Minnesota’s 2nd round pick in 1990 (47th) (Alexander Wright)
  • Minnesota’s 6th round pick in 1990 (158th – traded this pick to New Orleans, who drafted James Williams)
  • Minnesota’s 1st round pick in 1991 (conditional) – (12) (Alvin Harper)
  • Minnesota’s 2nd round pick in 1991 (conditional) – (38) (Dixon Edwards)
  • Minnesota’s 2nd round pick in 1992 (conditional) – (37) (Darren Woodson)
  • Minnesota’s 3rd round pick in 1992 (conditional) – (71) (traded to New England, who drafted Kevin Turner)
  • Minnesota’s 1st round pick in 1993 (conditional) – (13th – traded this pick to the  Philadelphia Eagles, who then to the Houston Oilers, who drafted Brad Hopkins)

If it weren’t enough that the Vikings gave up five established players, the Cowboys ended up with a total of six of Minnesota’s picks over the succeeding years. Just look at the names of the solid up to Hall-of-Fame players the Cowboys got as a result of this deal.

There’s more that aren’t even listed here. As a result stock-piling the draft picks, the Cowboys used them to make subsequent trades, one of which landed the first overall draft pick in 1991, which was used to draft Russell Maryland.

1993 – Robert Smith

Having Herschel Walker obviously whetted the Viking appetite for over-rated running backs. the Vikings used the 21st pick to take Smith out of Ohio State, who really never lives up to expectations. Smith’s eight-year career only ever sees him play a full season once, and while in that one season he actually looks like a first-round pick, meanwhile one can argue the Vikings get a much better bang for their buck by taking three-time Pro Bowl DT Dana Stubblefield with this pick.

1995 – Derrick Alexander

This one is easy to see as a huge mistake. The Vikings are in need of a big-time pass-rusher, which prompts them to take Alexander from Florida State with the 11th pick. With the very next pick, the Buccaneers select future Hall-of-Famer Warren Sapp.

1996 - Duane Clemens and Moe Williams

This is the same mistakes as the Vikes made in the previous season, yet it is compounded by who the Vi-queens passed on to take a player who garnered just 18.5 sacks in his entire career: WR Marvin Harrison, G Pete Kendall, and LB Ray Lewis.

A 3rd round pick from the University of Kentucky, Moe Williams only ever had one decent year in his career, 2003: when he posted 745 rushing yards and 644 receiving yards.  But he never amounted to much more than a quasi-useful 3rd-down back, not something for which the Vikings should have passed over LB Tedy Bruschi or WR Terrell Owens.

1998 – Randy Moss

Sharpen you crayons, Viking Fans, because this is Part I of “Stuff you are going to write me hate mail about.”

Granted, Randy Moss was one of the most exciting players in NFL history, and he was for a time the best receiver in the business. Seriously, the guy had amazing hands and had some physical tools that defied belief…


There are a few facts which almost completely obviate his talents during his tenure in Minnesota. When you are assessing whether a player is correctly valued, EVERYTHING has to be taken into account, not just the “sexy” or the “feel-good” stuff.

FACT: Moss disappeared in the play-offs.

FACT: Moss only played half of his career in Minnesota; being traded away largely because he was such a douchebag.

FACT: Moss’ tendency to play “when he wanted to” completely eroded his over-all value.  Not being a complete player when you have superior talent makes you inferior.

This is why the Vikings would have been better served taking 6-time All-Pro G Alan Faneca with this pick. Faneca was a 9-time Pro Bowler, one of the best at his position throughout his career, and not a total dick.

1999 – Daunte Culpepper and Dimitrius Underwood

Here’s Part II of  “Stuff Viking Fans  are going to write me hate mail about.” Face it, 1999 is the year of the over-rated quarterback, and the Vikes fell for it. In the first round of that year, five QBs were selected: Tim Couch, Donovan McNabb, Akili Smith, Culpepper, and Cade McNown.

The Vikes blew a 12th round pick on Culpepper, a lunch-wagon sized deep-ball artist from Central Florida. The trouble was that was all he could do; Culpepper never had a season worth mentioning without Randy Moss. The Vikings could have eliminated a lot of the offensive line problems they would have in the following decade as T John Tait, C/G Damien Woody, T Matt Stinchcomb, G Luke Petitgout, and T L. J. Shelton were all available.

But 1999 is a double feature; later in the first-round the Vikings inexplicably blow the 29th pick on Dimitrius Underwood, defensive lineman from Michigan State who was both highly regarded as being an above average player, but also came with a warning label that he had some serious psychological issues which were clearly going to be an impediment to his moving to the next level as a player. Underwood didn’t even make it through a week of training camp before the personal issues which would be his downfall became apparent.

2001 – Michael Bennett

If Wal-Mart sold a Guatemalan-made, low-quality knock-off of Robert Smith, it would be Michael Bennett. Bennett only lasts five seasons in Minnesota, during which time he only tops 500 rushing yards in a season once. The Vikes pass on WR Reggie Wayne, TE Todd Heap, and if they hadn’t made the Culpepper mistake two years prior, this is where they could have ended their quarterback problems by taking Drew Brees.

2002 - Bryant McKinnie

Where do we start here: Is it his nearly complete failure to live up to the hype which surrounded him? Or was it his complete failure to be more than overpaid, overweight bag of cold cuts? Or is it the staggering number of top-flight NFL players that were selected after him ( S Roy Williams, DE Dwight Freeney, WR Donte Stallworth, TE Jeremy Shockey, DT Albert Haynesworth, CB Philip Buchanon, S Ed Reed, and CB Lito Sheppard)?

2005 – Troy Williamson and Erasmus James

Taken with the 7th pick overall, Williamson was supposed to be a replacement for Randy Moss as he was a “vertical threat” blessed with monstrous natural speed. Too bad he couldn’t catch the damn ball.

Meanwhile, James was selected as a defensive end with the 18th overall pick from Wisconsin. In college, he was a one-man wrecking crew on the D-line, racking up 124 tackles (25.5 for losses), 18 sacks, 28 quarterback hurries, seven forced fumbles, two fumble recoveries,  and six pass deflections. In the NFL, was just a wreck; he only notched five sacks in four years.

Worse yet, here is another example of the Culpepper effect. Because the Vikings were in love with this lard-ass, they passed TWICE on Aaron Rodgers.

2006 – Chad Greenway

A “role player at best” linebacker drafted in front of a “shutdown corner” (Antonio Cromartie), a legit “big-play” receiver (Santonio Holmes), and the best center in the game (Nick Mangold).

2008 – Tyrell Johnson and Jared Allen

There’s a reason why you never heard of Tyrell Johnson. The Vikings didn’t have a first-round pick in 2008 thanks in part to the exceptionally-stupid Jared Allen trade, but there was really no excuse for taking a safety from Arkansas State who would never be more than a role-player when play-makers like RB Matt Forte, WR DeSean Jackson, and RB Ray Rice were still on the board.

Let’s go back to that Jared Allen trade for a minute. This completes the “Stuff Viking fans will write me hate mail about” trilogy.

Kansas City sent Allen and a sixth-round draft pick in 2008 for the No. 17 overall pick, two third-round picks and a sixth-round pick. Kansas City turned the picks into T Branden Albert, RB Jamaal Charles, S DaJuan Morgan, and WR Kevin Robinson. The Vikings turned the Chiefs’ sixth-round pick into C John Sullivan.

In other words, the Vikings provided the Chiefs with a feature running back, a better-than-average offensive tackle, and two non-factors for a barely-mediocre center and a bloated contract for a one-dimensional pass-rusher who gets fat on C-list offensive line talent.  More importantly, it’s time for a dirty little football secret: Sacks are the most over-rated stat in football.

Don’t believe that? Consider the following: Out of the top ten individual sack leaders going into this weekend’s schedule, only  two play on play on a defense in the top ten in passing yards allowed;  Cullen Jenkins (5 sacks) and Jason Babin (7 sacks).  They both play for the Eagles, who are ranked 10th. Jared Allen leads the league with 8.5 sacks, and the Vikings rank 24th in passing yards allowed. Obviously, having a guy that piles up sacks doesn’t help your overall pass defense.

Now, for the final nail in the Jared Allen coffin – he gets paid a shockingly high amount of money for fractionally more than one sack per game. Jared Allen’s salary counts for  $11.6 million against salary cap, or roughly $1.36 million per sack. That’s the bottom line, and that’s for a guy who only offers a pass-rush; Allen has proven he is worthless against the running game. There’s literally tons of quality defensive ends out there for far less money and who can actually play against the run.

2009 – Percy Harvin

I will admit, it may be early to say this, but this guy can’t get on the field with regularity and he underperforms when he does (but in his defense it’s not like the Vikings have had a quarterback to get him the ball). More worrisome is the guys developing a s real playmakers who the Vikings passed up, such as LB Clay Matthews, and WRs Hakeem Nicks and Kenny Britt.

2010 – Randy Moss (again)

You ran this guy out of town once, then literally gave away a 3rd round draft pick for 13 receptions. The worst part is with that pick, The Patriots may have taken the quarterback you should have.

The Christian Ponder era starts on Sunday, and while nobody knows what the future will bring, the Vikings past history makes me nervous.  The problem is the Vikings emulate their fans; at the end of the day they are both decidedly Minnesotan.

Trust me, I lived there for 15 years.  Those phlegmatic descendants of Northern Europeans who wore real horns on their helmets never, ever change their ways no matter how obviously wrong they are. They don’t trust anybody who doesn’t live within 150 miles of the town they were born in, they bitch endlessly about things they can easily be changed rather than changing them, and they ostracize anybody who dare challenge this Minnesota mantra. Naturally, their football team which wears painted-on horns emulates those characteristics.

Maybe I’m to blame. After all, I’m the one who is continuing to watch the re-runs of “Golden Girls” and expecting Rose to get smarter. Whether you are an individual or a team, if you’re going to make the jump from “good” to “great,” you have to address the key issues.   You have to want to improve and you have to address the proper things.

If you are the Vikings or their fans, this mean confronting your own ineptitude and your own choke artist tendencies. If you do that, you’ll stop wasting your time calling your opponents bad people, blaming the referees, and generally brooding over yet another loss.

Who am I kidding? It’s not like it is ever going to change. For some people, the escalator of evolution quit running a while ago.  Most Minnesotans are goofy as hell, so is their team, and I just have to live with it.

Four Things I Don’t Understand About The NFL

The NFL is the most popular sports league in this country; in my mind in spite of itself. Here’s four reasons why I don’t understand why the NFL succeeds.

1) The Fans

Somewhere along the way, NFL fans became as dumb as those in NASCAR. The most recent lock-out proved that. There was a ton of bleating and moaning about how the lock-out screwed the fans, despite the fact it all took place in the off-season. In terms of what the fans lost, it was one completely unwatchable pre-season game. In other words, the fans consider it a screwing to miss watching  a game in which the starters are off the field by the end of the first quarter. Not to mention, the same fans who think they are being screwed by not getting that ONE meaningless game are the same ones who don’t think they are being robbed by having to pay full-ticket prices to watch a bunch of guys who will be working at Jiffy Lube next week.

2) The Owners

Speaking of the lock-out, wasn’t the theme of the owners during this dispute all about how the NFL needed to be more financially responsible? Somebody needs to explain to me how it is “responsible” to pump $63 million into a completely unproven commodity in Kevin Kolb. Somebody needs to explain to me how it is “responsible” to pump $90 million into a 35-year old quarterback with bad knees and two bulging discs in his neck. Don’t get me wrong, I get that Peyton Manning is the only 4-time MVP in the NFL, and I get that he’s a sure-fire Hall-of-Famer, but $90 million is a huge wad of cash for a guy who simply is not the future of your franchise.

3) The Players

This really makes my colon seize up…we go through a lock-out that lasts nearly four months; a period of time in which the possibility existed there might be no football at all, and at the end of it we still have morons holding out! What the fuck is that? Somebody from the players’ union needs to got to these guys and say “Hey shithead! We’ve just spent a whole week trying to convince the fans they matter to us and you are queering the deal. Shut the fuck up and play football!”

4) The Media

Now, if he were getting paid to look like a black version of "Sideshow Bob..."

Whenever you wonder where some of the stupid shit originates that comes out of the mouths of fans, just look to ESPN. Here’s a network that has populated it’s on-air staff with bimbos, blow-dried hair, and ex-jocks most of whom couldn’t count their toes and get the same number twice. The problem is that these idiots drive what is considered news in the NFL. Just today everybody is blathering on about Randy Moss’ retirement, and wondering if he’s going to play again. Nobody stops to consider the guy is 35 years old (which is a SERIOUS line of delineation for athletes) and that he has been a non-factor for the last two years. His days of being a useful component on a team which means anything are over.  Let him go.

What we have is a sport which has hit levels of success heretofore unknown despite the fact its so heavily-laden with stupidity it seemingly should have collapsed under its own weight years ago. I’m all ears for an explanation of why the NFL is so popular that goes past “uhhh, football is awesome.” Until I get one, I will continue to spend Sundays scratching my head.

The Top 10 Football Factories – And Some That Didn’t Make The List

With the NFL Draft looming, I found a list courtesy of the NFL Network featuring the schools consider to be the Top Ten Football Factories. We here at Dubsism took that list and crossed it against each schools three arguably most interesting players. Be mindful of the fact this list was devised and ordered by the NFL Network and not us, which is why before you write us nasty letters about it, wait for our comments at the end so you can be REALLY pissed when you comment.

10) Tennessee

Their  Top Three – Peyton Manning, Reggie White, Doug Atkins

Those are three top-flight hall-of-famers, and that’s only part of the reason why Tennessee belongs on this list. In terms of college football, Tennessee has a long history; the Volunteers were the power of the SEC before Bear Bryant and Alabama. Of course, recent history hasn’t been kind to the Vols, and that’s just fine with me, since Tenneesee still grinds my gears.

9) The Mid-America Conference (MAC)

Their Top Three – Jack Lambert, Ben Roethlisberger, Randy Moss

Honestly, this entry caused the most discussion amongst the staff here at Dubsism; at least no punches were thrown this time, but suffice it to say there are several staffers here who fervently believe it is wrong to include an entire conference. In defense of the MAC, that’s a pretty solid Top Three as compared to some of the others on this list. I would like to believe the MAC is here to represent the contributions of all small schools, but more importantly, look at what those three represent – a toothless psychopath, a multi-ringed “may-be” rapist, and complete douchebag.

8 ) Syracuse

Their Top Three – Jim Brown, John Mackey, Donovan McNabb

This is just the saddest story on this list; the classic case of how the mighty have fallen. In my lifetime, I’ve watched the Orange go from the pride of eastern football to a team that can barely stay afloat in the weakest big conference in football. I blame it all on Dick MacPherson, their Hall-of-Fame coach who steadily built the Orangemen into an Eastern football power. One of SU’s most stunning wins during MacPherson’s tenure came in 1984 when the Orangemen upset then No. 1 Nebraska, 17-9. MacPherson later bolted from the Orange, trying to parlay his success in college into a career in the NFL, but his two years stint with the New England Patriots..well, let’s just say calling it an “abject failure” is being kind. Sadly, the Orange have been rancid ever since.

7) Penn State

Their Top Three – Jack Ham, Lenny Moore, John Cappelletti

This is another case of a school getting its coach hired away by the New England Patriots. Back in 1972, the Patriots offered Joe Paterno a contract which have made him football’s first million-dollar coach, a contract which JoePa accepted. However, his tenure as an NFL coach lasted less than 12 hours; the morning after signing the deal, Paterno called the Patriots to tell them the deal was off. Had Paterno left, it is a certainty the Nittany Lions would have languished at the bottom of college football for decades; just look at what happened to Syracuse. Hell, it could have been worse, look at what happened to SMU when Ron Meyer left for New England.

6) Alabama

Their Top Three – Joe Namath, John Hannah, Derrick Thomas

Given their history, there is not anybody young or old who didn’t picture this team on this list. And why not? Alabama has always paid as well, if not better than any NFL franchise.

5) Michigan

Their Top Three – Dan Dierdorf, Tom Brady, President Gerald Ford

There’s only three other schools that have produced both a Super Bowl winning quarterback and a U.S. President – Navy (Roger Staubach/Jimmy Carter), Stanford (John Elway & Jim Plunkett/Herbert Hoover), and Miami of Ohio (Ben Roethislberger/Benjamin Harrison), but Michigan is the only one whose quarterback has won the Super Bowl three times (Tom Brady) and whose President was also an All-American offensive lineman. Despite that, Michigan also grinds my gears.

It saya a lot about Michigan when their alums appear on TV wearing Penn State gear.

4) Ohio State

Their Top Three – Jim Parker, Paul Warfield, Cris Carter

Another school with long history, and a new problem. Nobody can deny Ohio State has pumped hundreds of players into the NFL, but given the stuff swirling around the football program these days, one starts wondering how many hundreds are going to be pumped into the pockets of defense attorneys and bail bondsmen in the near future.  Given that, it shouldn’t shock anybody the effect Ohio State has on my gears.

3) Notre Dame

Their Top Three – Joe Montana, Paul Hornung, Alan Page

It is about time law enforcment looked into the Irish problem.

Now, Notre Dame is a team that produces more corpses with scissor-lifts and sexual assault reports than it does NFL talent, but let’s not forget this list is historically  all-inclusive.  The way things look in south Bend now, it is feasible the Fighting Irish could be moving down this list over time; Notre Dame doesn’t look to be a top-flight program anytime soon.

2) Miami, FL

Their Top Three – Jim Kelly, Ray Lewis, Michael Irvin

If Notre Dame represents the oldest of history, Miami is the other side of the college football coin; the Hurricanes were hardly a breeze until the 1980′s. But in that time they have produced an astonishing amount of talent. But they also spent most of the 80′s being completely hateable, leading to one of my favorite moments in all of college football – Pete Giftopoulous’ interception at the end of the 4th quarter of the 1987 Fiesta Bowl, giving Penn State the national championship over Miami.

1) Southern Cal

Their Top Three – Ronnie Lott, Bruce Matthews, O.J. Simpson

In most cities with multiple professional sports franchises, there’s a “pecking order” in terms who gets fan support no matter what; the team which is always in the spotlight.  In New York, the top of the food chain is inhabited by the Yankees and the Knicks. In Chicago, that honor belongs to the Cubs and the Bears. In Los Angeles, its the Lakers and USC. Make no mistake, the Trojans are every bit a professional franchise; they’ve got the NCAA sanctions to prove it. Long before that, there’s reason I called them them U$¢ (The University of Dollars and Cents).

The thing that really struck the staff here at Dubsism was not the teams on the list (other than that whole MAC thing), but some of the teams not on it.

Texas – Their Top Three – Earl Campbell, Bobby Layne, Tommy Nobis

Their exclusion has to be because for close to 25 years after the Darrell Royal era, for the most part Texas became an afterthought on the national landscape.

OklahomaTheir Top Three – Lee Roy Selmon, Billy Sims, Tommy McDonald

The Sooners got left off the list for two words – Brian Bosworth.

PurdueTheir Top Three – Len Dawson, Bob Griese, Drew Brees

Ok, I know this one is a stretch, but I would put West Lafayette Vo-Tech Purdue on the list over an entire conference just on quarterbacks alone. Alabama is the only other school that has produced three Super Bowl winning quarterbacks (Bart Starr, Joe Namath, Ken Stabler) and the three produced by Purdue are to a man better quarterbacks than the three coming from the Tide. Then there’s all the other legit NFL quarterbacks this school has produced other than the ones already mentioned -  Gary Danielson, Bob DeMoss, Jim Everett, Jeff George (transferred/got kicked out to Illinois), Mark Herrmann, Mike Phipps, and the Greatest Athlete in the History of Ever, Kyle Orton.

GramblingTheir Top Three – Everson Walls, Doug Williams, Charlie Joiner

Eddie Robinson produced so much NFL talent – a list of the players he prepared for NFL success reads like a list of guys you forgot about, but when you read the list, its a never-ending parade of “how the hell did I forget that guy!” Look past the three we already mentioned – there’s still Buck Buchanan, Ernie “Big Cat” Ladd, Sammy White, Trumaine Johnson, James Harris, Willie Brown, Willie Davis, “Tank” Younger, and 1976 Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner.

The Ten Most Disgusting Parasites and Their Equivalent Parasitic Sports Figures

Once again, the good people over at Listverse have given a list which in turn gave me pause to compare it to sports figures. Sports are a reflection of a world that is full of parasites, and so it seemed natural to compare those of the sports world to those of the real one.

#10) Bedbugs

Imprint BedbugsSome of you may not know that bedbugs are actually more than just a cute little good night rhyme that your parents said to you before you went to sleep. They are as real as the other 9 entries. While they are not the worst or deadliest on the list they certainly have their share of difficulties.

Bedbugs have been on the rise lately and there are several theories as to why. Some point to increased international travel while others blame the lack of bedbug killing insecticides, most popularly DDT as well as the increasing use of gel-based insecticides. These gel-based insecticides are completely ineffective against bedbugs since bedbugs do not feed on anything other than blood. Control and elimination can only be achieved through repeated sprayings with an appropriate bug killer by a professional exterminator.

The bedbug is like a small tick that typically lives in and around the area of the mattress. They feed mostly during the night although they have been known to feed during any hour of the day. Due to their small size the bedbug can hide in mattresses, mattress seams, baseboards, headboards, screw holes, carpets, cracks in walls, bedroom clutter; practically anywhere in or around the bedroom. Bedbugs have been known to nest and walk as far as 100 feet in order to feed on their host.

The bites they leave are usually mistaken as mosquito or spider bite since the irritation and redness is very much the same. There is no scientific evidence that they spread disease although the bite sites may become infected due to scratching the bites. The misdiagnosis of the bites can also lead to a dramatic increase in infestation numbers before detection. The worst problems with bedbug infestations are not physical, but psychological. Once bedbugs are detected the host usually has heightened levels of anxiety, paranoia and fear.

Bedbugs are very difficult to detect and all too often a major infestation has occurred before detection. Their small size and elusive behavior only add to their difficult detection. Bedbugs are usually associated with lack of cleanliness and squalor, but this is not the case. Even the most posh and lavish hotels, apartments and homes have been infested with bedbugs. The bedbug can “hitch” a ride in clothes, luggage, purses, back packs and essentially anything that a small apple seed sized insect can work its way into. They are flat like a tick and can go over a year without feeding and still remain alive.

Another reason why bedbugs are a huge problem, aside from their detection difficulty and ability to live without sustenance for long periods of time, is their ability to breed rapidly. The female can lay over 500 eggs during a lifetime. Once the eggs hatch the bedbugs will immediately begin to feed. They usually feed once every several days and will pass through 5 molting stages, lasting 5 weeks before becoming a mature adult capable of breeding.

Representative Sports Figure: The Pittsburgh Pirates

In much the same way bedbugs are mistaken initially for other pests, The Pirates have been mistaken for a major league franchise for the better part of the last two decades.

#9) Lice

LiceThe human louse is an epidemic affecting both children and adults though children seem to be more susceptible to infestation. African Americans are less likely to get lice because of the characteristics of their hair. Other hair types seem to be more ideal and suitable to the louse.

There are many different types of lice. The most commonly known is the head louse though there is also the body louse and the pubic louse. These aforementioned lice species are the only ones that are solely reliant upon humans for blood. Other species exist, but are limited to other animals.

The life of the louse is somewhat short. The eggs will hatch within about 6-9 days after which the nymph will molt 3 times over a 7 day period before becoming an adult. The molted shells and egg shells remain attached to the hair near the scalp. The adults are very fast moving and will usually live for about a month while feeding on blood and continuing to breed and produce eggs. The female louse is able to produce between 7-12 eggs per day.

Lice are very little yet easily detectable. Noticeable itching and redness occurs around the infested area as well as the occasional pustule. A fine toothed comb or a louse comb can be used to capture eggs and the lice themselves. Over the counter and prescription medications can be used to rid the host of the lice. It is also advised that everyone within the household be checked for lice as well as recurrence is common.

Representative Sports Figure: Chris Berman

I don’t think anybody ever died from lice, much like nobody ever really killed themselves after being forced to listen to Chris Berman, although I’m sure they wanted to.  Berman was just kitschy enough to be interesting almost thirty years ago, but now he’s just become another bloated reason why the common perception is ESPN is out to suck the enjoyment out of sports one drop at a time.

Besides, he just makes me itch.

# 8 ) Leeches

Leeches-Hand One common misconception surrounding leeches is that all of them are completely reliant on blood from animals and humans. Blood-seeking leeches are only one type of leech. Some species of leeches feed on invertebrates and do not live in the water, but on the moist earthen floor and, under more dry circumstances, underground. Leeches are segmented worms closely related to the common earthworm.

The sanguivorous, or blood-sucking, leech is most often found in still or slowly moving water, but can also be found on land. The usual method of attachment to a host is by waiting on the ground or at the bottom of the floor of a body of water. Here they spend their time sensing movement or changes in light patterns. Upon sensing a potential host the leech will waver its body to and fro attempting to “fish” for the host.

The leech will use the sucker part of its mouth and the jawed leech will use its many toothed jaw to create an incision on the host. Afterwards the leech will secrete mucus like substances in order to remain attached to the host. The leech then relaxes its body after using anti-coagulants and a histamine to prevent clotting of blood and also to prevent the blood from turning indigestible. This is the amazing attribute of leeches that aids in using them for medicinal purposes.

The wound is not as bad as you might think. It may become irritated and ooze blood and fluid for several hours, but loss of blood is minimal. Infections are rare and although allergic reactions do happen they are usually nothing to concern one’s self about.

Representative Sports Figure: Agents

To borrow a line form a movie most famous for featuring an agent, “you had me at bloodsucker.”

# 7) Ticks

Ticks 1Ticks are classified as arachnids and there are many, many different varieties both hard and soft. The most commonly known are the black-legged tick, the lone star tick, the deer tick and the dog tick. The tick is capable of carrying diseases as well. The most well known are Rocky Mountain spotted fever and Lyme disease.

Ticks are usually found in areas with heavy underbrush and high weeds and grass as well as areas commonly traversed by deer and horses. The tick will wait in this type of environment as its host walks by where it will grab a hold and work its way toward a suitable area of the body, most often where an abundance of hair is present. On humans this is usually the scalp, but on other mammals this could be anywhere. This allows the tick to remain virtually undetected for several weeks as if gorges on the blood of the host.

Ticks have a fascinating lifecycle. There are three different types of ticks so far as the lifecycle is concerned. The one host female tick lives off of one single host for its entire life before dropping off and laying its eggs. Then there are the two host and three host ticks which live off of either two or three hosts in its lifecycle.

Many people have had ticks and many people have had to remove one. There are common misconceptions on how to remove ticks. Some people say to use the hot end of a match on the tick or spread a salve or petroleum jelly on the tick so that it will be unable to breathe and remove itself. These methods are both ineffective and unsafe as the tick could become agitated and regurgitate into the area in which it is attached thus increasing the possibility of disease or infection.

The best method of tick removal is to take a pair of tweezers and pinch as close as possible to the mouth of the tick, the point at which its head meets the area where the tick is lodged. Slowly and steadily pull the tick out. Avoid twisting or wrenching. After removal it is advised to either flush the tick down the toilet or put it in a container full of isopropyl alcohol to both kill it and preserve it just in case an illness befalls the host shortly after. This way it can be taken to a doctor and identified so that proper treatment can be administered.

Representative Sports Figure: The International Olympic Committee

Lies in wait for an unsuspecting host to come along, then latches on and sucks the blood out of it. Just ask any city that has been a host.

#6) Fleas

Flea-1The flea is another common parasite. These things easily reproduce and can become a very big problem in only a short amount of time. Have you ever heard of The Black Plague? You can thank the flea for that.

Like the mosquito, fleas need blood from mammalian hosts in order to reproduce. Fleas will lay their eggs on the host which usually leads to an infestation of fleas originating around where the host most often resides, such as a pet’s sleeping area. Once the eggs hatch, typically within a few days to a few weeks, the larvae will spend their time in the larval stage consuming any available organic material such as dead skin cells and fecal remnants. The larval stage will last anywhere from 1 week to 2 weeks.

After three separate larval stages, the flea will create a silk-like cocoon and emerge after an additional 1-2 weeks. It is now time for the flea to find a host and begin providing blood for a new generation of offspring. In the small life of the flea, usually a few weeks, the female can lay several hundred eggs. This can lead to a severe infestation in almost no time at all.

The fleas are very versatile. Their bodies are flattened laterally to allow them to move easily on their host and also avoid being crushed. Their ability to jump is also a marvel. They have been known to jump over 100 times their body length. The fleas that typically bite humans are often cat fleas.

Representative Sports Figure: Randy Moss

Much like a flea, Moss is known for his jumping ability, his attitude can easily infest an entire team in no time, and he provides a general level of irritation. But unlike fleas, we may be done with Randy Moss.

# 5) Mosquitoes

MosquitosI’m sure that most of us have been bitten by a mosquito before. These pesky flying insects are not only a nuisance but also a deadly health threat. They can carry many different types of parasites and diseases which cause conditions such as West Nile Virus, malaria, yellow fever and can even inject a parasite which causes elephantiasis. Mosquitoes are responsible for millions of deaths due to their ability to carry disease from host to host.

The mosquito needs blood in order to reproduce. Thus, it is the female of the species that is responsible for biting mammals. Interestingly enough, both the male and female mosquitoes regularly feed on nectar from flowers and fruits. However, the female requires the necessary proteins from blood to reproduce.

The mosquito’s life begins with the already mature female laying her eggs on fresh and stagnant water in groups of up to fifty. With enough blood she can produce these groups of eggs every three days for her entire lifetime. The female must lay her eggs in still standing water which is why it is recommended that you eliminate any free standing water around your property to minimize the possibility of a mosquito infestation.

Once the eggs have been laid they hatch in a mere 48 hour period. The larvae will live near the surface of the water anywhere from 1-2 weeks depending upon the temperature of the water in which they live. After this period they become pupa and will pupate in only a few days afterwards becoming adult mosquitoes.

The mosquito is attracted to a person’s body heat and also their scent, if you will. It is advised that you avoid heavy perfumes and colognes since they are attracted to sweet smells. However this is not a complete deterrent.

The female mosquito uses a complex proboscis coupled with an anti-coagulant within its saliva to draw blood from its host. Most often the host has no idea that it has been bitten until it is too late and the trademark itchy bump appears. These lesions are extremely itchy and easily irritated. Scratching can lead to infection so an anti-itch ointment should be applied to minimize the itch.

Representative Sports Figure: Roger Goodell

The $10 million salary Goodell draws from the NFL might as well be blood.  Considering where he is taking the NFL, he might as well be the mosquito that give the league a fatal case of malaria.

# 4) Mites

Dust MitesMites are a very common type of organism. There are many classifications of mites including, but not limited to, dust mites, fowl mites, dog mites, deer mites, chigger mites and scabies mites just to name a few. There are even mites living on you right now called hair follicle mites that are feeding on the oily secretions from your hair and scalp, but don’t worry. These mites are a normal part of the living process for us humans and those of us with good hygiene will never even notice that they exist since they are microscopic and completely harmless. Most of the time mites do not pose any type of threat or problem for humans, but the mites will feed on the blood of humans if its usual host is unavailable.

The most common mites that cause problems for humans are scabies. These microscopic parasites can cause extreme itching and red lesions on infected areas as they live their lives in and on the skin. Often times the infection is diagnosed as parasitic dermatitis and can be easily treated with prescription topical ointments.

Representative Sports Figure: Frank and Jamie McCourt

Normally, we would never have to care about these two morons, until they decided to a) buy a baseball team and b) make that team a part of their monstrous divorce proceedings.  At least they are destroying the Los Angeles Dodgers, which proves even parasites can be helpful.

#3) Human Botflies

Lateral BotBotfly is a rather broad term given to any species of fly whose larvae live as parasites within the body of mammals. This can include anything from horses to sheep and deer and, as the title indicates, humans.

The human botfly maggot is contracted by mosquitoes and is most often found in Central and South America. The fly will capture the mosquito and lay several eggs on its body. Eventually, the mosquito will find a human and, during feeding, the eggs will fall onto the person and hatch. The botfly maggot will then chew its way into the host’s body. There it remains for approximately 5-6 weeks until it becomes engorged with flesh, all the while carving a hole in its hungering wake. At this stage, if left undetected, the maggot will pop its way out of the small hole that it has eaten inside of the host and fall to the ground where they pupate into an adult botfly in about 20 days time. Thus, the life cycle begins all over again.

The symptoms of a botfly maggot are not very difficult to detect. As the maggot begins to feed on the flesh of its host it will become bigger and bigger as the days pass often becoming red and swollen. The hole in which the botfly maggot has carved itself in the host’s tissue serves as a breathing passage for the larva. Every few minutes the larva will have to quickly and partially emerge from the hole to breathe.

Extraction of the botfly maggot is difficult and care must be taken when removal is being attempted. This process should be undertaken by a doctor or surgeon since trying to remove the larva without professional help can result in the maggot bursting, subsequently leading to serious infection.

Representative Sports Figure: The NCAA

If there were ever an organization that has burrowed its way so deeply into a sports it may never be able to be removed, it is the NCAA. The entirety of college sport is infected by the NCAA, and without professional removal, it will continue to be a parasitic influence on collegiate athletics.

#2) Tapeworms

Img0059ETapeworms are similar to hookworms. They are intestinal parasites that can be transmitted through soil and fecal matter, but most often are ingested by humans through undercooked meats that have not been adequately cooked to kill the tapeworm eggs. The tapeworms set up shop in the muscles of the host animal after being ingested through the feeding of grass or contaminated vegetables. The animal is eventually slaughtered and becomes food for us as humans.

The human host will ingest the tapeworm egg and as digestion of the food occurs the egg will eventually hatch and grow from a larva to an adult while feeding on blood and nutrients via the intestinal wall. The adults, being hermaphrodites, can then produce more eggs which will be released from the body through the stool. The eggs can linger around the toilet bowl or can even be flushed down the commode where they can infest the soil through sewage and irrigation water, thus, beginning the cycle all over again.

The symptoms of a tapeworm infection are very difficult to spot as there are often no outward symptoms to indicate an infection for a very long period of time. This can lead to the tapeworm growing up to 30 feet in small, segmented lengths resulting in a bloated stomach and malnutrition, amongst other conditions. These parasites have been known to live for a few decades if left untreated.

Representative Sports Figure: The WNBA

Face it, what started as a way for some arena owner’s to fill some dates in the summer has become a useless drain on the NBA, which can sorely afford any drains right about now.

# 1) Hookworms

800Px-HookwormsThe hookworm is transmitted through fecal matter. The eggs will hatch within about a week and grow into larvae which can live for close to a month within the soil of the earth or the feces which bore them. Upon contact with humans, usually through the foot, the worm will work its way through the host’s veins, into the heart and eventually the lungs. After entering the lungs they are sometimes expelled through mucus during a cough or simply swallowed by themselves. This gives the worm a one way ticket into the small intestine.

After setting up residence in the intestine the worm will attach itself to the intestinal wall and begin feeding on the host’s blood. If left undetected and untreated the hookworm can reproduce resulting in a serious intestinal infestation. This can lead to anemia, extreme abdominal pain, diarrhea, constipation, fatigue and even a bizarre hunger for inedible things like dirt and mud. The life cycle of the worm begins anew when the host releases more eggs through bowel movements.

Representative Sports Figure:  Donald Sterling

Sterling represents all that is parasitic about a bad owner; he’s taken a bad team and made it the worst organization ever. Worse yet, he’s found a way to make money, and his model has been replicated all over professional sports.

The Self-Interview: An Idea Whose Time Has Come…Maybe

One thing that has been overlooked in the latest Randy Moss saga is that the man truly may be a visionary. Hark back to his last press conference as a Minnesota Viking; the one in which he announced that for the rest of this season he will conduct his own press conferences. Moss would be the one providing all the questions, Moss would be the one providing all the answers, Moss would be the one providing all the everything.

Maybe removing reporters from the equation isn’t such a bad idea. Sure, it may be a blow to journalism, but let’s be honest. True journalism has been slowly bleeding out with the rise of the interwebs anyway, so why not make another evolutionary step? Entities such as Twitter make this all perfectly possible; all one really needs is a smartphone and the ability to refer to one’s self in the third person; two things most athletes are perfectly capable of.

Let’s picture how this might work. First, you need somebody who likes to talk about himself, a characteristic that really shouldn’t be too hard to find amongst pro athletes. with any smartphone, he could Tweet questions to himself, answer them on-line, all while verbalizing all of this on Skype. It would be perfect; bloggers could blockquote until their hearts were content and fans could ReTweet stuff to their fellow fans. Instant, honest real-time communication; the ultimate goal of the the internet age. What could possibly wrong with it?

It would be horribly, mind-crippingly, shoot-yourself-in-the-face-with-a-flare-gun boring.

Can you imagine what a snooze-fest listening to some cerebral pygmy like Moss verbally masturbate would be? Here’s what Randy thinks about what Randy thinks.  I’d rather drill holes in my teeth and chew on aluminum foil while getting a lap dance from Rose O’Donnell all to the soothing strains of Kenny G.  Am I the only one who gets that it is precisely the adversarial relationship between sports figures and the media that allows for these meltdown moments, which are really the only thing entertaining about these press conferences.

But that isn’t even the big problem. The worst part of all of this, especially in the Moss case, is that I now am left with the conclusion that a professional athlete who makes millions of dollars a year is such a complete pussy he can’t handle a question. A guy who deals with rabid, drooling, neanderthal linebackers for a living gets his ovaries bruised by a question.  Seriously?

Here’s the deal, Randi. Those reporters are the same people who created your fame. If it weren’t for reporters, nobody would give a shit who you are. Go look at the sports where nobody has to do press conferences.  Would you  rather play Arena Football or in that UFL thing? They don’t have to talk to reporters, but that’s because nobody fucking cares.  Here’s an idea…if you don’t like the questions, try not being an over-the-hill douchebag. It isn’t the media’s fault that your skills have declined, and it certainly isn’t their fault that a simple question-and-answer session chafes your vagina.

As for the rest of you jocks, before you say something stupid in a press conference, take a moment to remember why they exist, what they do for your wallet, and that in this era of Twitter, blogs, and YouTube, all it takes is one moment for you to look like a crybaby forever.

The “I Told You So” Speech on Randy Moss – The Breakdown

Seriously, when it comes to the Minnesota Vikings, I’m getting tired of giving the “I Told You So Speech.” The very first post in the history of this blog was a rant about the attention being paid to a beat-up “has been” who stood little chance of getting the Vikings into the Super Bowl.  Even when the Minnesota Favre-Gasm was in full roar during the high times, I was the one telling you that it would all be for not.  Nobody in Minnesota wanted to accept reality; for the same amount of comprehension I was getting from Viking fans, I might as well have been speaking to a pile of cinder blocks.

Now, if he were getting paid to look like a black version of "Sideshow Bob..."

Now, there’s the Randy Moss catastrophe. Face it, Viking fans, I tried to warn you this was a train wreck, but you just had to drop a 3rd round draft pick for 13 receptions….count ‘em, 13  receptions. Why did you do that? Hmmmm, could it be because you were DESPERATE?

For right now, understand what an exceptionally stupid move this is on the part of the Vikings. Whether you are playing poker or making a business deal, showing your desparation is never a good thing. The Vikes showed that in spades when they begged Brett Farve to come back for another year. Now that Purple offense has looked like a fraternity touch-football team well into its third keg of beer, Minnesota decides now is the time to chase bad money with worse money. Why? Because even Stevie Wonder can see the desparation dripping off of this franchise.

I mean, who the hell couldn’t see this was a disaster waiting to happen? The reason were crystal clear.

Forget that Minnesota ran Moss out of town in 2004. Forget that Randy Moss has never once passed the “Net Difference” test. And for now, forget that Randy Moss is in a contract year. We’ll come back to those points in a bit…

…Now, let’s get back to those opening points I told you to forget. You only need read back to yesterday’s post on this blog to see what I think about Minnesota sports fans.  Moss was another classic case of a guy who got run out of town for albeit stupid stuff, but stuff that white guys got away with. So, now you’re going to bring back a guy with whom you already burned a previous bridge and expect that trying to sign this guy to a contract is going to be a smooth process. Good luck with that. Ask yourself what happens when those contract talks break down? Expect Randy Moss to be Randy Moss, meaning he will go right back to the petulant crybaby routine that is getting him kicked out of New England.

The only thing I was wrong about was it would be contract talks that derailed the relationship. Rather, it just took the passing of 26 days for Moss to stop running routes, give up on catchable balls because he got bumped, raise his hand as if her were open in double-coverage, then have the “petulant crybaby routine” in his post-game press appearance. Then there’s that pesky “Net Difference” problem.

Then there’s the whole “Net Difference” test. This is something Moss shares with Favre on the last two teams he’s joined. Ultimately, the “Net Difference” test is a measure of what happened to the team you joined. For example, Brett Farve joined a mediocre New York Jet team that wasn’t a playoff contender, and took them all the way to being a mediocre team that wasn’t a playoff contender. In Minnesota, Brett Favre joined a division-winning team that couldn’t win a road playoff game and took them all the way to being a division-winning team that couldn’t win a road playoff game. Now, it really isn’t fair to apply that test to Moss’ days in New England because you can’t really improve a legitimate Super Bowl team, but look at his stops in Oakland and Minnesota. Moss took the Raiders from terrible to terrible, and he took the Vikings from a team that couldn’t win a big game to a team that couldn’t win a big game.

Hmmm…did those 13 receptions make a difference? Yeah, those 5 catches for 55 yards were the difference in the Vikings sole win during Moss II, or it might have been the fact it was against the complete implosion known as the Dallas Cowboys. Much like Moss’ impact, it matters little whether he has actually been released, or if we are just waiting for some paperwork to clear somebody’s desk; the relationship is over, the damage is done. For the Vikings, the season is lost, the locker room is split, and the coach is beginning to give the whiff of  “dead man walking.”

And it all could have been avoided…

Whenever You Need To See Desparation, Just Look Toward Minnesota

According to ESPN’s Adam Schefter, the Vikings are expected to close a deal with New England today to acquire Randy Moss. Forget that Minnesota ran Moss out of town in 2004. Forget that Randy Moss has never once passed the “Net Difference” test. And for now, forget that Randy Moss is in a contract year. We’ll come back to those points in a bit.

For right now, understand what an exceptionally stupid move this is on the part of the Vikings. Whether you are playing poker or making a business deal, showing your desparation is never a good thing. The Vikes showed that in spades when they begged Brett Farve to come back for another year. Now that Purple offense has looked like a fraternity touch-football team well into its third keg of beer, Minnesota decides now is the time to chase bad money with worse money. Why? Because even Stevie Wonder can see the desparation dripping off of this franchise.

Let’s do the math…first, the Vikings mortgaged their future to bring in Favre, all while completely ignoring the need for a quarterback for the future. Then, the Vikings doubled-down on that terrible move by doing absolutely nothing to shore up an offensive line which has allowed Favre to get shit-hammered every time he’s dropped back since the NFC Championship game. Now, the Vikings are making the future even bleaker by giving up a 3rd round draft pick for a wide receiver incapable of solving the largest problems facing this team.

First, there is the aforementioned offensive line. Unless Randy Moss plans on helping Bryant McKinnie look less like a turnstile, Favre isn’t going to have time to wait for the deep play to materialize. Then there’s the fact that the whole world knows the Vikes can’t run the ball when they need to, despite the fact they have the best weapons at running back this league has seen in the last 25 years. So even if you seal this deal, you can expect Moss to get double-covered everyday for the rest of his life, especially since the Vi-queens have no other legitimate threat to stretch the field.

Now, let’s get back to those opening points I told you to forget. You only need read back to yesterday’s post on this blog to see what I think about Minnesota sports fans. Moss was another classic case of a guy who got run out of town for albeit stupid stuff, but stuff that white guys got away with. So, now you’re going to bring back a guy with whom you already burned a previous bridge and expect that trying to sign this guy to a contract is going to be a smooth process. Good luck with that. Ask yourself what happens when those contract talks break down? Expect Randy Moss to be Randy Moss, meaning he will go right back to the petulant crybaby routine that is getting him kicked out of New England.

Then there’s the whole “Net Difference” test. This is something Moss shares with Favre on the last two teams he’s joined. Ultimately, the “Net Difference” test is a measure of what happened to the team you joined. For example, Brett Farve joined a mediocre New York Jet team that wasn’t a playoff contender, and took them all the way to being a mediocre team that wasn’t a playoff contender. In Minnesota, Brett Favre joined a division-winning team that couldn’t win a road playoff game and took them all the way to being a division-winning team that couldn’t win a road playoff game. Now, it really isn’t fair to apply that test to Moss’ days in New England because you can’t really improve a legitimate Super Bowl team, but look at his stops in Oakland and Minnesota. Moss took the Raiders from terrible to terrible, and he took the Vikings from a team that couldn’t win a big game to a team that couldn’t win a big game.

What this all boils down to is the Vikings are paying to get a guy with whom they’ve already had a bad relationship, who they already know ultimately doesn’t make a difference, and is six years older than when they first knew this. Yeah, that doesn’t seem desperate at all.


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