Tag Archives: Punched in the Face

NBC Sports Network Is Moving In The Right Direction – Here’s Some Suggestions To Keep That Going

dog peeing on espn.com

I’m all in favor of anything that chips away at the dominance the World Wide Bottom-Feeding Four-Letter Network has over the sports world. That’s why I found this press release from the NBC Sports Network so refreshing.

Buoyed by seven of the 10 most-watched NHL games in the network’s history, NBC Sports Network viewership rose 14% in the first quarter compared to first quarter in 2012, according to data released by The Nielsen Company. Additionally NHL programming, including the newly-created Wednesday Night Rivalry games, was up 58% compared to Q1 in 2012, the best start in the network’s history; The Dan Patrick Show viewership is up 58% compared to time period in 2012 Q1; the opening IndyCar telecast rose 78%; and MLS games are up eight percent over last year.

That opening paragraph gives one a brief shot as to what NBC sports Network is doing right; the rest of the release gives some details. We here at Dubsism intend to use those details to offer some suggestions as to how this network can continue it’s growth. Continue reading →

Jared Allen Gets His Over-Rated Ass Kicked

Oh, was this a sweet moment…In a game where the Minnesota Vikings were finally exposed, the most over-rated player in the NFL got the bitch-slapping he’s deserved for far too long.

Some folks at ESPN may want you to believe Tim Tebow is the most over-rated player in the NFL, but somehow they forgot about Jared “I’m fine, I can drive” Allen.  Tebow and Allen are both winners of the Dubsy Award For Being Over-Rated (Tebow in 2010, Allen in 2009), I can’t think of a better definition of “over-rated” than leading the league in sacks on a team that gave up more passing yardage than anybody.  Is there a better way to define over-rated than getting $13 million to not make a difference?

In any event, enjoy watching the over-rated Allen getting an under-rated ass whooping.

The South Bend Trifecta – Notre Dame Football, The Rees Family, and The Slammer

In what may actually be good news for Notre Dame football, quarterback Tommy Rees was arrested early this morning (from Yahoo Sports).

SOUTH BEND, Ind. (AP) Notre Dame quarterback Tommy Rees has been arrested and jailed on a preliminary felony charge following a confrontation with officers early Thursday, police said.

Rees, 19, was arrested on charges of resisting law enforcement, battery to law enforcement, minor consumption, and public intoxication, St. Joseph County police Sgt. Bill Redman said.

How can this be good news? Well, there is the obvious joke that it is hard to get on the field when you are on a chain gang.  Let us not forget Tommy Rees sucks in that special “Tony Romo” sort of way, meaning he racks up some decent numbers; 253-384 for a completion percentage of 65.9%,  2,708 yards, and 19 touchdowns.  But that was also against largely mediocre competition. There’s also the matter of the 12 interceptions, many of which came of particularly costly moments in ball games.

Then there’s also the observation that you just can’t be a top-flight college football program without some felons.  Let’s be honest, Notre Dame hasn’t been on the Boardwalk-side of the college football Monopoly board in quite some time. It’s quasi-ironic this arrest took place in St. Joseph county because Notre Dame is now more like St. Charles Place. At least it’s close to the jail…

Redman said South Bend police officers arrested Rees and Notre Dame linebacker Carlo Calabrese and that he didn’t know details of the incident or which charge against Rees was a felony.

Calabrese was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct and released after posting $150 bond.

Calabrese…insert your own “Mafia/Godfather” joke here.  Now, for the classic bit of university-based obfuscation…

”The university is aware of this incident and is confident that it will be handled in a prompt and professional manner through the criminal justice system,” Notre Dame spokesman Dennis Brown said in a statement. ”Internal discipline is handled privately, in accord with our own policies and federal law.”

Of course, you realize that is code for “we will keep this as hushed up as we can so long as you aren’t a student-assistant who got blown off a scissor-lift or a co-ed raped by a football player.”

As if that weren’t enough, don’t forget this isn’t this first scrape with the criminal justice system for the Rees clan.  Tommy’s sister Meghan ran afoul of the boys with the badges in Tippecanoe County, Indiana last year for getting into a drunken brawl at Ross-Ade Stadium.

So, a fight breaks out in the stands during last Saturday’s game in West Lafayette, Indiana between the Purdue Boilermakers and the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. Nothing really new there: there’s usually some kind of altercation at ever major college football game played. The fact that one of the allegedly drunk combatants was a good-looking blond is a little unusual (usually they’re fat, middle-aged guys) but not totally out of the question.

But when the young lady charged is the sister of Notre Dame starting quarterback Tommy Rees? Now THAT doesn’t happen every day, but apparently it did Saturday at Ross-Ade Stadium where university police were called to Section 116 after a fight broke out. At the scene, other fans pointed to Meghan Rees, 21, as the primary culprit and she was immediately escorted from the stadium. Meghan, a  student at Miami University of Ohio, was cited for public intoxication and had her angry-looking mug shot taken for good measure.

You know what they say…the family that commits mid-level felonies together stays together.

You Know Purdue Is Weak When the Opposing Quarterback’s Sister Can Kick Their Ass

Yes, you read that correctly…From the good people at Bad Jocks.com, it seems the sister of Notre Dame’s starting quarterback decided Saturday night’s game at Ross-Ade Stadium was a good time to kick some Boilermaker butt.

So, a fight breaks out in the stands during last Saturday’s game in West Lafayette, Indiana between the Purdue Boilermakers and the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. Nothing really new there: there’s usually some kind of altercation at ever major college football game played. The fact that one of the allegedly drunk combatants was a good-looking blond is a little unusual (usually they’re fat, middle-aged guys) but not totally out of the question.

But when the young lady charges is the sister of Notre Dame starting quarterback Tommy Rees? Now THAT doesn’t happen every day, but apparently it did Saturday at Ross-Ade Stadium where university police were called to Section 116 after a fight broke out. At the scene, other fans pointed to Meghan Rees, 21, as the primary culprit and she was immediately escorted from the stadium. Meghan, a  student at Miami University of Ohio, was cited for public intoxication and had her angry-looking mug shot taken for good measure.

There has been no official comment from Notre Dame, Coach Brian Kelly or Tommy about the incident. We have also not been able to confirm if Meghan is single or not, but to many of our readers she is definitely “girlfriend material.”

Above is Ms. Rees mug shot picture…

You can follow Meghan on Twitter @meghanrees.

Insert your own jokes here…

The Dubsism Baseball Power Rankings: The Post-Season “Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For” Edition

Here we are; another October full of post-season baseball. Let’s be honest, most of the crap I said about these teams six months ago was wrong, so why not go for month number seven proving I have no idea what I’m talking about.  Take the following for example (from April 22nd):

California in General: The Padres are leading the NL West based on a league-leading Team ERA of 2.82, the Giants are tight behind their statemates to the south in both the stat and the standings, and Oakland’s 3.16 means three of the top four staffs in terms of earned runs allowed get their mail in the Golden State. Toss in Dodger Matt Kemp’s pacing the NL with 7 homers and 20 RBI and the Angels not looking nearly as mediocre as one believed, and things are on the up. The question is how many of these things will still be true in August.

Indeed, how many of those things turned out true? Well, the Padres waited until August before they folded faster than Superman on laundry day, allowing themselves to get run down by a Giants team that is likely the weakest still standing. Honestly, after July, these were the only two California teams worth noting. So, instead of trying to make predictions, it is time to talk about why none of these teams are worthy of your support. With that, let’s get down to the rest of the remaining eight…

1) Philadelphia Phillies – (Pre-season Rank #1, 97-65, NL East Champs) – Odds of Winning World Series: 4-1

This team defines “mercurial.” They started the season as the favorites of the Dubsism staff, then they plummeted as low as #14 in the rankings, the low-water mark coming in that series at the Mets when they didn’t score a single run in four games. The are now again the hottest team in baseball, but as good as they are now, they won’t when. Why? Because it’s Philadelphia. No city has a bigger self-esteem problem than Philadelphia. Philadelphia spends hours staring in the mirror and laying awake nights wishing it were New York.  This is why Philadelphia fans hate everything; during the off-season they go down to the hospital and boo surgeries.

But it isn’t just the male Phillie fans who should be choked to death with a cheese-steak. I’ve got a belly full of these stupid female fans who spend hours blathering about how much they want to fuck Chase Utley. Behind the Red Sox, the Phillies have the highest percentage of obnoxious female pink-hat-wearing fans, you know the ones that get  sloppy drunk and wail about wanting to get on Cole Hamels’ cock. If you have a girlfriend who has a pink piece of sports apparel and won’t shut up about which player she wants to bone, punch her in the face immediately. Then punch yourself where your balls used to be for being involved with such a stupid bitch.

She just said she wants to suck off Shane Victorino, so its' OK to blast her.

2) Tampa Bay Rays (Pre-season Rank #4, 96-66, AL East Champs) – Odds of Winning World Series: 4-1

Tampa is such a non-interest generator that if the Rays were to win the World Series, you could probably hold the entire victory parade at a Shoney’s. Seriously, nobody gives a shit about Tampa or any of it’s teams. Do you remember when the Buccaneers won the Super Bowl. Of course you don’t, because you didn’t care then, and you don’t care now. The Rays are like are like local TV news. You watch to see weather and traffic, and once you see that you are that stream of fans heading to the car in the sixth inning.

EPSN’s Colin Cowherd made an interesting point about this team.  Apparently, Tampa was third on a list of potential cities to get one of two baseball expansion teams. While he was working for a news station in Tampa at the time, Cowherd says he was told by George Steinbrenner himself that he pushed the awarding of the franchise  to Tampa through, because his family lived in Tampa and he wanted to see his Yankees play down there during the season. In other words, there are TWO teams to hate because of that dead shitbag Steinbrenner.

3) Minnesota Twins (Pre-season Rank #10, 94-68, AL Central Champs) – Odds of Winning World Series: 5-1

I love the Twins, so it pains me to say this, but I have a serious dislike of Minnesota sports fans. The absolute worst sports fans in the world are Minnesota Viking fans, and too many Twins fans are just the retarded, in-bred cousins of those same Viking fans. I lived in the Twin Cities for 15 years, and I can tell you first hand that the Twins are a franchise that deserves a far better fan base than it has.  Minnesota fans worship at the alter of a Viking team that hasn’t won a fucking thing in forty years while they almost completely ignore the franchise that has won two World Championships in that time. Tune in a Minneapolis sports radio station in April and you will hear 24 hours of how the Vikings need to draft some other asshole who will undoubtedly under-perform.

Plus, Minnesota is where you grow fair-weather fans. At least the people in terrible sports cities like Tampa or Atlanta are honest, they don’t show up at all. But Twins “fans” filled the dreadful Metrodome when the Twins were winning; you could have fired a cannon in the place in the mid-90’s and not hit a soul. Now, since the arrival of Joe Mauer and the new ballpark, these “fans” can’t stop blowing themselves over shit we already know like the fact Mauer is a home town boy or that Target Field is gorgeous. It is just the residents of Minnesota collectively coping with the fact they got butt-fucked into building a stadium that is going to be half-empty in ten years. Not to mention, the Twins are no longer the payroll David to the Yankees’ Goliath anymore, so all you so-called “fans” need to get off that crap right now. Granted, the Yankee payroll is gargantuan, but the Twins are over $100 million themselves.

Oh, did I mention they are the world’s only passive-aggressive racists? They wouldn’t dream of using an epithet because that’s not “politically correct,” but they have no problem using the old “Would you want your daughter to marry one?” mentality when they run a black athlete out of town (I will never forget the Warren Moon incident, when Minnesota fans used a court case in which Moon was found not guilty because the case was unfounded to begin with, to call the local sports radio station to spew a lot of “that’s how THOSE people act” bullshit).

There’s about 50 real Twins fans in the world, and they are a great group of people. For the rest, there can’t be enough bridge collapses to get rid of all of you.

4) New York Yankees (Pre-season Rank #2, 95-67, AL Wild Card) – Odds of Winning World Series: 5-1

Are you now, or have you ever been a Yankees fan? Are you under the age of 45? Have you ever said “The Yankees sucked when I was a kid, so I’m not of one these new Yankee fans that came along when we started winning again”? If you answered “Yes” to these questions, you are pretentious douche-nozzle and you would be doing the world a favor if you stuck a shotgun in your mouth.

There’s soooooooooo many reasons to hate the Yankees. First, there’s the aforementioned loyalty-less fuckwads who think just because the Yankees sucked in the 80’s means they aren’t some dickhead who needs to be on the winning side. But least there is one less reason to hate them, since that piece of deep-fried monket shit known as George Steinbrenner is dead. At least he has a burn-in-hell worthy legacy, like sodomizing New York City out of a billion dollars to build a replica of a 90-year old shithole, then filling it with insufferable dickweeds who now are actually proud of their Ruthian assholery.

Oh, and I haven’t mentioned this yet, but you have no idea how much it pissed me off that after Steinbrenner assumed room temperature that I kept being told “You didn’t have to like him, but you had to respect him.”  Fuck you. The same people who said this are the same people responsible for the impending death of America. George Steinbrenner was a criminal who deserves the same respect a dog pays to a fire hydrant.

5) Atlanta Braves (Pre-Season Rank #8, 91-71, NL Wild Card) - Odds of Winning World Series: 8-1

Who better to be in the “Punched in the Face Edition” than that geriatric drunken wife-beater Bobby Cox? Lately, people have been fawning over the fact that he has been kicked out of an entire season worth of games. “That just means he’s fiery, competitive and sticks up for his players,” I hear all the time. Did you ever consider that he might just be a flaming asshole with an anger management issue? I would say that getting piss-drunk and punching your wife in the face suggests the latter.

According to the police report, the Coxes had been entertaining friends when Bobby spilled a drink on the carpet of their northwest Atlanta house and Pamela made a comment about it. The report said that after the guests left, Bobby, 53, “hit her in the face with his fist,” pulled her hair and called her “a bitch.” When they reached the house, the police reported, they heard arguing inside, where they found Bobby drunk and Pamela with the left side of her face swollen.

My favorite part of this story was the press conference a few days later when Pamela Cox tried to deny the domestic violence allegations all while wearing a knuckle-mark on her cheek that looked just like a National League Championship ring.

That’s just the recent reason to hate the Braves. There’s a really good old reason, that being when that idiotic windbag Ted Turner owned them. Thanks to the “Mouth of the South,” we all got to live through the infancy of cable television by watching the sorry-ass 1980’s Atlanta Braves.  If you are my age, you remember having this shitty team shoved down your throat as “America’s Team.” Worse yet, TBS grew into a cable network capable of winning a bid to carry Major League Baseball so they could prove that Fox didn’t completely fuck up televised baseball.

6) Texas Rangers (Pre-Season Rank #11, 90-72, AL West Champs) – Odds of Winning World Series: 12-1

If we were to compare American cities to body parts, Arlington would be the appendix; something that everybody has, yet it is completely useless. Arlington is like the anus of Texas, wedged in between the unwashed buttocks of Dallas and Fort Worth. It doesn’t take long to figure out why Texans build all the stuff that draws huge pain-in-the-ass crowds in Arlington; it sits on such a useless piece of land that it is surrounded on one side by a giant airport and on the other by a giant nothing.  Why is the Rangers ball park here? Let’s be honest, nobody in Texas gives a shit about baseball past August. In fact, baseball in Texas is just a way to kill time until football season starts. This is why nobody should give a shit about the Rangers now. Besides, Texas hasn’t had a guy who could hit the cut-off man since Lee Harvey Oswald.

7) Cincinnati Reds (Pre-Season Rank #18, 91-71, NL Central Champs) – Odds of Winning World Series: 15-1

Here’s where you can still use that shop-worn “big market/small market”  argument, except the comparative scale is in sheer assholery. Granted, the Yankees have produced more flaming assholes than anybody, but they have more money than anybody. But when you have a team from the largest city in Kentucky that has produced such legendary buttloafs like Pete Rose, Joe Morgan, and Rob Dibble. Really, how can a team produce a guy who bets on baseball, the worst play-by-play guy EVER, and a guy who just blazed the “Raging Dumbfuck” trail for a shithead like John Rocker. Worse yet, how can a small-market team do that and still produce a world-class fuckface like Johnny Cueto, who during that brawl with the Cardinals back in August kicked Jason LaRue in his head multiple times, effectively ending his 12-year career. If I get to see only one thing I really want during this post-season, please let it be a 95-mph fastball directly into Cueto’s face, his teeth bouncing off home plate like bloody Chiclets.

8 ) San Francisco Giants (Pre-Season Rank #18, 92-70, NL West Champs) – Odds of Winning World Series: 18-1

See the guy in the black trunks above? The Giants need to sign him now so they will have at least one guy who can hit.  It’s like ever since Barry Bonds left, the Giants are in some sort of self-imposed deprivation of offense, like anybody who hits 30 homers will have his balls cut off and fondued at some sort of granola and sissy-fruit party. It’s not like it matters because nobody cares about the Giants except for a few Dodger haters and the future funeral home clientele who from their pine boxes will still be pining for the days of Willie Mays.

The funny part is that in a weird sort of way, the Giants are the perfect team for San Francisco. At the same time, San Francisco is a beautiful city with the same sleazy underbelly as any other world-class seaport; within mere yards of each other you can find the whitest-glove haute cuisine and foreign sailors chuffing down whatever cheap fare that will satisfy while leaving a precious few drachma for a booze-up and a working girl. San Francisco can turn the breath-taking topography of Northern California and simultaneously compliment it while turning it into a piss-reeking urban nightmare. When fall hits the Midwest and all those meat-and-tater midwesterners get all fawny over California and its’ golden sun, they are picturing Southern California and its sun-kissed beaches. But since they are so eager to get out of East Tree Stump, Ohio, they don’t realize until they get there that San Francisco is not that California. Rather, it is a city that is shrouded in fog more often than not, is prone to 40 mph winds, and can sport highs in the 60s in July.  I once lived in North Dakota, and one of the coldest winters I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.

The Giants are as much a collection of contradictions as their city.  The Giants are a team that boasts a tremendous pitching staff, and yet couldn’t hit water if they fell out of fucking boat. Even though they an old-school member of the National League with a large market, they can’t buy a better solution for their offense problem than Pat Burrell and Aubrey Huff.  Somehow they have managed to play team baseball well enough to win their division, yet on an individual level they are the biggest collection suckasses out there. Did they all agree to wear their uniforms as baggy as possible so they all look like airport windsocks in those 40 mph winds? Tim Lincecum looks like a Make-A-Wish kid baked on medicinal marijuana in those things, but at least they hide the man-boobs on those elephant seals known as Pablo Sandoval and Juan Uribe.  I mean, who the fuck can have any respect for a major league baseball team that has at shortstop a manatee with frosted tips on his goatee?

Here Comes The Rumor Mill…

Kids, learn a lesson here…you just can’t go around punching people in the face. If you are a public figure like a football player, people will dig up every little thing you’ve ever done. I’m not going to blame The Oregonian’s John Canzaro for doing his job; that’s what reporters do. Instead, you can take in the following and decide for yourself…

Two football seasons ago. Closed practice. Autzen Stadium. Running back LeGarrette Blount was carrying the football on a play that swung wide when he was met by two University of Oregon defenders.

Defensive back Jairus Byrd and linebacker Jerome Boyd grabbed Blount and shoved him toward the sideline. A scuffle broke out, facemasks were grabbed, bodies tangled and then Ducks head coach Mike Bellotti hurried toward the mess, trying to break up the players.

Blount threw a punch.

It missed Byrd and Boyd, but caught the side of Bellotti’s face — square.

Two Ducks teammates and a former assistant coach told me about that punch on Thursday.

That practice punch was dismissed as an accident. A simple expression of sport emotion by a player who wants very much to be the best he can. Football is a physical game, we’re told. Bellotti never publicly talked about it and did not return a call Thursday on the matter. Ducks teammates, aghast on the field as it happened, laughed about Bellotti’s shocked reaction with one another in the locker room after practice.

Blount, Byrd and Boyd were kicked off the field, but were not disciplined. And I suppose that punch — unlike the infamous one he threw at Boise State on national television last season – might have been mostly forgotten if it weren’t for the punch Blount threw at an NFL practice on Wednesday.

Consider that Blount is trying to rehabilitate his image. Consider that he went undrafted, despite being blessed with God-given football talent. Consider that he must know, down deep, that he’s being watched. Even – no, especially – when he’s tempted to lose his composure. And yet here Blount was, clenching a fist after having his helmet pulled off on consecutive plays, and throwing a straight right hand as he bounced on his feet like a tired boxer.

Video of a Tennessee Titans practice scuffle from Wednesday shows several players shoving one another, and Blount, helmet off, walking back to the huddle. He bumps defensive end Erik Bakhtiari. They shove each other. Then, Blount throws a punch to the facemask of Bakhtiari, who demonstrates restraint by not throwing one back.

So, what say you?

The Anger Management Classes Must Not Have Stuck

If you remember LeGarrette Blount, you remember the punch; the moment that gave Blount his 15 minutes of fame and made him a 2009 Dubsy award winner.

Let's be honest, I will find any reason to use this graphic.

It seems Blount just goes with what he knows. The undrafted, free-agent rookie running back capped off a feisty night practice for the Tennessee Titans with yet another punch.

“Blount had just returned to the Titans on Wednesday night after being excused since Sunday for personal reasons. He was carrying the ball in a drill near the goal line when his helmet came off, and he kept his feet moving toward the end zone.”

“The play ended with some pushing and shoving, then Blount threw a right into Eric Bakhtiari’s facemask. Blount quickly talked to coach Jeff Fisher before leaving the field.”

Of course, since the Titans are in need of a second back behind Chris Johnson since they shipped another troubled back in LenDale White down the road. This is why head coach Jeff Fisher downplayed the incident, but the telling comment came from Blount himself.

“That was my past. It just came up again. I got into one of those situations where the defense pushed me too far. With training camp and everything going the way it is and being as intense as it is and me being a rookie, it was just something I shouldn’t have done. But I did it.”

Let me tell you something as a guy who has undergone more than one exercise for personality modification. It is easy to say you’ve changed something when faced with everyday situations. But there is no better force to bring out the truth than stress. While I must give credit to Blount for taking responsibility, I also have to notice that he clearly hasn’t dealt with the issue that cost him being drafted.

Understanding the Conference That Was The Pacific 10 Through a Comparison to “Scrubs” Characters

Since it seems the college football world is about to undergo the tectonic shift of conference re-alignment we’ve all been waiting for, it may be time for us here at Dubsism to introduce you to a conference and its members with whom you may not be all that familiar.

When it comes to the Pac-10, everybody has seen USC; after all, it is the only team in the conference folks on the East Coast will stay up past 10 p.m. to see (well, maybe not now since the Trojans are about to get clipped, but that’s another story). While the fan bases of this conference are exceedingly loyal, those fans are going to see teams on their schedules in the near future of which they likely will know absolutely nothing.

Luckily, there is a way to prevent such a tragedy. All sports teams have a personality; we here at Dubsism intend to enlighten those of you possibly  dawning a new era by comparing a team which you may know little about to a better-known entity; in this case characters from the popular sit-com “Scrubs.”

University of Southern CaliforniaDr. Kelso

Trojan football has been at the top of the Pac-10 food chain since the dawn of time, and they are going to be there for just as long.  See, Sacred Heart Hospital has the policy about retiring administrators at age 65, not the Pac-10.

Even after the NCAA exacts it’s pound of flesh for the whole Reggie Bush fiasco, USC will be around forever, much like Bob Kelso will always be the Chief of Medicine as long as re-runs exist. Like “Beelze-Bob,” USC has been there forever, Cal thinks they are Satan incarnate, and you could envision them getting a “Shanghai Surprise with a Happy Ending” and making you watch.

University of CaliforniaDr. Cox

Nobody talks better than Cal…or Cal fans. Nobody can review the short-comings of everybody else, all while failing to see their own anger-management issues or borderline alcoholism. They’re just smart enough to be sarcastic, and just animated enough to be funny without being obnoxious. However, at the end of the day, they usually still have to deal with Kelso, but every once in a while, this happens.

Arizona State UniversityThe Todd

Why is that in my mind, there was only one choice for a school best represented by a sexual deviant in an “I ♥ Vaginas” t-shirt and banana hammock? Oh yeah, it’s that whole porn star cheerleader thing…

Let’s be honest…Arizona State is a party school; it always has been, and it always will be. But party schools serve just as important a function as do the Harvards of the world, if not more so. You expect things from Harvard grads, but somebody has to matriculate the next purveyor of the “Miracle Five.” After all, do I really care if the guy who saved my life can summarize Proust?

Stanford UniversityJD

What else can say you about a school whose nickname is the Cardinal, and its mascot is a tree? If there is a rule, it is that your mascot should match your nickname. People in the Bay Area should know this better than after the San Francisco Giants tried to infuse Candlestick Park with some foam-rubber based enthusiasm in the form of, no, not a giant, but a giant crab.

Who the hell else would make the leap between a giant and a crustacean whose main lot in life is to be dunked in melted butter? The same people who would be delusional enough to connect cardinal red with an evergreen tree.

This is why JD represents everything that is Stanford…he’s smart, he’s nerdy, and he has internal monologues that in non-smart people are usually referred to as delusions. While most Stanfordians secretly wish they could be Dr. Cox, more often than not they have this effect. If you don’t believe, the proof is just a click away

University of California – Los AngelesTurk

For a while there, between Karl Dorrell’s firing and the rise of Barack Obama, Turk held the title of whitest black man in America, if for no other reason than it’s whiter to be a surgeon that a fat TV guy (yes, Bryant Gumbel, that was aimed at your 275-pound caramel-colored candy ass).

This, amongst other reasons, makes Turk the quintessential black L.A. professional. First of all, none of his friends are black. Think about it; when’s the last time you saw Turk hangin’ wit’ Snoop Dog Resident or Leonard, the hook-handed security guard (well, I give him a pass on that one because, honestly, who wants to hang out with a security guard?)

Second of all, his best friend is white, and he’s proud of that.  But for the biggest qualification…Turk is not married to a black woman. We’re still not brave enough in America to let him be married to a white woman on television, but Latinas are A-OK, which is why Carla is Puerto Rican Mexican Illegal Dominican.

University of ArizonaThe Janitor

If you’ve ever been in a place like Quartzite, Arizona, you know towns in rural Arizona only have three things:

  • 14 recreational-vehicle dealerships
  • 5 gas stations
  • 300 guys who 100% bat-shit crazy

So, who better to represent the rural residents of Arizona than a guy who seems crazy enough to live in a sheet-metal box in the desert and invent things like the “Knife-wrench?” Let’s face it…the way you get that special kind of crazy is to live in a trailer under a steady stream of intense solar radiation, with enough time to allow the cerebral softening needed to concoct shit like the “Drill-fork.”

And face it, Arizonans…we all know you are cracked, otherwise, you would have never given us Evan Mecham.

University of OregonSnoop Dogg Intern Resident Attending

Autzen Stadium has become the epicenter of being black in the Pac-10. The Ducks are usually laden with talent, yet they can’t get any respect. The “man” is always keeping them down; the Dennis Dixon-led team of a few years ago was the first in the conference to enjoy any level of success with a black quarterback since the Rodney Peete-led Trojans. And don’t even get me started on what happened last year when LeGarrette Blount got disrespected.

Sure, Oregon may be one of the whitest states in the union, but the Ducks know how to get their groove on. Sadly, the only team who gets their struggle is Dr. Kelso.

Oregon State UniversityTed

Where is the irony in the fact that Oregon State would get the pick as the creepy loser, considering the fact that the team name is the Beavers, and yet these guys couldn’t get near a beaver with an arsenal including 18th-century French-Canadian trappers and a suitcase full of rohypnol?

But, let’s be honest…orange does illicit hostile behavior, even in those forced to wear UCLA blue…

University of WashingtonElliot

Husky football throughout history has been the uptight, hot blond of the Pac-10.  They have been competent enough generally to be successful; even finding their way into private practice. They are hot enough to make you want to see them naked, but they somehow find a way to make the experience of de-clothing the easy hot blond less than satisfying. That pretty much makes UW “Purple and Gold” medal winners in “moment killing.”  (Aside: note Turk/UCLA’s Neil Diamond impression…yet another log on the “black guy who is really a white guy” bonfire if you ask me, but I digress).

Washington perfects moment killing by being annoying in that special way only really bound-up white chicks can do. College football teams do this by looking like a winning team, then failing to cover the spread EVERY FUCKING TIME you bet on them. In other words, you find yourself at the end of the day asking “Why couldn’t they be married to Dr. Cox?”

Washington State UniversityDoug

One of the beautiful things about “Scrubs” is that it accurately reflects the social strata of a hospital. The sad truth is that in the medical caste system, there is only one guy who ranks below the security guard; and it takes a trail of corpses to do it.

Enter Doug Murphy. He cowardly hits dead guys with fire extinguishers. He may have killed more people than a CIA agent. He may need to be sealed “airtight” with baby carrots. In fact, much like Doug, Washington State only gets sarcastic “respect” when the upper-classmen of the Pac-10 are making fun.

See Also: Understanding the Conference That Was The Big 12 Through a Comparison to Stuff in My Kitchen

Understanding The Conference That Was The Big Ten Through a Comparison to Classic Game Show Hosts

LeGarrette Blount Undrafted; Perhaps He Should Slug Ben Roethlisberger

It’s amazing what one punch can do. Before last fall’s Falcon Punch, Blount was under legitimate consideration as an NFL Draft Pick. Even afterward, many thought he had rebuilt his stock enough to be taken in the 3rd or 4th round.  But for some reason, the NFL guys had a different opinion; they selected Blount in the NEVER round.

In other words, Blount spent his Saturday afternoon just like I did; chilling on the couch and not getting calls from NFL teams.  Sure, I wasn’t being broadcast live on ESPN, but even if I were, I’d still be in my own living room and not on full humiliation display like Brady Quinn a few years back.

Blount at home, not needing that pre-paid cell phone card for anything.

Photo hat tip: Deadspin

As mentioned, Blount had some believers, but none enough to have picked up the phone and select the former Oregon Duck running back. Now, he’s suddenly a rookie free-agent plying his wares around a league that likely just got a hell of a lot more sensitive to off-field issues in light of the situation currently embroiling a certain Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback. It really has to hurt to know you are too much of a problem child for even the Vikings or the Raiders.

He’s as alone on the proverbial NFL desert island as Boise State lineman Byron Hout was knocked unconcsious by Blount’s sucker punch. While it may have cost him a phone call on draft day, he can take consolation in the fact that punch was sweet enough to win a Dubsism Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide.  He can also hope that some will see the redemptive power of his right hand; it may have been unsportsmanlike and most assuredly a cheap shot, but how many people would welcome LeGarrette Blount back into the fold if he were to unleash one of those jaw-rattling, brain-bruising knuckle wonders into the face of Ben Roethlisberger?

Well, At Least the Dodgers Security Can Hit

It’s one of those classic “What could possibly go wrong?” moments. There’s no way that Opening Day at Dodger Stadium, a Pavillion full of the usual “let’s duke it out during God Bless America”  rabble-rousers, an assload of liquor, and $8 per hour security personnel could lead to any trouble, right?

Dodger Stadium security has obviously picked up a few pointers.

You would be exactly right if you don’t count racist jokes, a flying kick to the ribs, and threat of lawsuits as trouble. But as the video clearly shows, things went wrong in this situation right about the time the security dude used a fan as a battering ram, then proceeded to get in more kicks than the Rockettes.

Yet in an odd way, this marks more improvement for the Dodgers. It wasn’t that long ago that the security guy would have lost the fight.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 121 other followers