Tag Archives: Philadelphia Eagles

The Blast-Cast: Tales of Depression and Sorrow – The Philadelphia Eagles

blast cast header 07222014 meehan

This is another installment in the Sports Blog Movement series which now calls Dubsism home. Tales of Depression and Sorrow takes a hard look at certain instances, or specific seasons which would make sports fans cringe in horror and pain, or expands on that to take a hard look at the long-suffering fans of franchises who have tortured their supporters for decades.

Last year, we did an examination of Ryan Meehan’s tortures at being a fan of the New York Giants. Now, we turn the tables, as it is Meehan’s turn to ask the questions; to probe J-Dub’s deepest traumas over years of being a Philadelphia Eagles’ fan.

Only fun things can happen when a Giants’ fan and an Eagles’ fan get together; you can almost hear the knuckles hitting the teeth from here!

Click here to listen to or download the Blast-Cast (MP3 format)…The Blast-Cast is also available on Itunes.

P.S. During the Blast-Cast, J-Dub and Meehan ask for your Tales of Sorrow and Depression. They say there is no story they won’t hear, but to be honest, they’ve already heard from far too many Chicago Cubs fans…

What We Learned From Week Three of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Chris Mortenson and Adam Schefter, you probably also don’t know that everything at Taco Bell is made of the same five elemental ingredients and that they all end up in the same place.  Speaking of which…

1) The Cleveland Browns have already flushed the 2013 season.

cleveland calcutta

This is just the Browns way of saying they have flushed on 2013 and are stocking up on picks for 2014. But that’s not always a bad thing.  If you never flush your toilet, your house will become Calcutta in about a week. Cleveland has already had it’s river catch fire more than once; the last thing they need is cattle running loose in the streets trampling children with flies on their faces.

Don’t pay attention to the fact they beat the Vikings after trading their best offensive player and started a third-string quarterback who couldn’t make the roster with the Arizona Cardinals.  Never mind the fact that how they ripped the guts out of Viking fans may be a hate crime in at least 23 states. What this all comes down to is the Browns are auditioning guys for draft day trades in 2014.  Believe it or not, the Browns have some depth almost everywhere except the offensive “skill” positions. This team is young, and with the right number of draft picks and the right decisions using them, they could end up with more positional talent than a copy of the Kama Sutra.

For old guys like J-Dub, well…those guys long for the Sam Rutigliano-led Cleveland “Cardiac Kids” of the 1970’s, and curse the Browns inability to recover from Earnest Byner’s notorious fumble in the 1987 AFC Championship Game.

For the younger guys like Meehan, the good news is that by this time next year, half of the current Cleveland Browns will be working at the Quad Cities Mall with them, and you just know those guys will have some pretty cool stories to tell about the Hooters in Akron. Face it, when you live in Bettendorf, Iowa, Akron is the fucking “City of Lights.” However, the bad news is that there is every chance that this new management approach in Cleveland may be (to quote Roger Daltrey)  just an exercise in “meet the new boss…same as the old boss.”

This is the part where we have to join in an ESPN-style speculation-fest as to what are the Browns planning to do with two first-round draft picks, one of which is as guaranteed to end up in the top three as it was that one of the “Saved by the Ball” girls was going to end up on a stripper pole. We don’t mean in the movies, either. Lark Voorhies, if you are reading this, please drop us a line…we’re concerned about you…really. In any event, it seems the pointy-heads at the World Wide Bottom Feeder seem to think this makes it metaphysical certainty that Johnny Football will be getting his mail in northeastern Ohio about ten months from now.

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The Riley Cooper Situation: Yet Another Exercise in the Exploitation of Racism for Profit

espn klansman

Last week, steroids were the worst thing to ever happen in the history of the sports world.  Trust me, there was absolutely no hyperbole spewing from the mouths of the sports media gasbags when they were saying this. Never mind there were sandwiching the steroid conversation with talk about a guy who may have killed at least one person. Let’s be honest, it is common knowledge in the sports media world that steroids are definitely worse than murder. The disproportionate amount of coverage given to these topics bears that out.

That was until Philadelphia Eagles’ wide receiver Riley Cooper got caught on video saying the word “nigger.” In one fell swoop, racism became the worst thing ever in the history of the sports world.  It was worse than killing somebody, It was worse than the systematic use of illegal drugs. That’s right, a single word became the worst thing in the history of the sports world, and I have  a one-word answer for that.

Bullshit.

Forget about the ridiculousness inherent in a bunch of reporters blowing a story completely out of proportion; they do that anyway, so it all evens out. Forget about the idea that the systematic use of performance-enhancing drugs has become as issue that threatens to mess up the integrity of just about every sport out there (Has anybody been caught juicing in curling yet?) Forget about the idea that anybody is supposed to believe that the utterance of a single word is worse than that shooting somebody in the back of the head.  I’m not even going to get into the utter hypocrisy that if a white guys says “nigger,” he’s instantly somewhere between Adolf Hitler and the guy who changed the formula for Coca-Cola, and a black guy can say it with impunity (such as me exactly 24 words ago). Hell, Stephen A. Smith probably has “nigger” printed on his business card.

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Guest Column: Joe McGrath On The New Orleans Saints and the Bounty Situation

Editor’s Note: Mr. McGrath has long and storied history in the management of professional sports franchises, most notably as the general manager of the Charlestown Chiefs of the now-defunct Federal League. Oh, and this is probably a good time to mention that Mr. McGrath’s views are his own, and do not necessarily reflect those of Dubsism, our staff, or anybody else whose house you might want to burn to the ground.

To be honest, there’s so much wrong with this story, I really don’t know where to start. I think the best way to make you understand where I’m coming from on this the to begin from today and work backwards.

First of all, somebody needs to explain why anybody thinks having Bill Parcells as an interim head coach is a good idea. I understand that if you are the Saints, you’ve lost your head coach for a year. But you simply just can’t replace him. The first problem you are going to have is why would anybody take the job on a temporary basis. You’re not hiring a temp secretary to re-organize your files; you are placing somebody in a leadership role for a multi-million dollar franchise.  If you are the Saints, you really only have two choices – you replace Sean Payton, or you don’t.

If you feel the need to replace Payton, then fire him for being stupid enough to get himself suspended and hire a real, full-time coach. Think about it – what the hell is a temp head coach going to do considering all the current staff of assistants and coordinators will still be there? Speaking of which, why is nobody worried about replacing the others who were suspended? This team is not just without the head coach, it also has lost the general manager and another coach. Because they are taking the same approach they need to be taking with the head coaching spot – simply have somebody who is already on the staff take over for a season.  Bringing in a temp will only screw things up worse.

Not to mention, why would anybody take the Saints head coaching job as a temp? Don’t forget, you take this job today, and tomorrow you are going to find out half your defensive players are going to be suspended.  Screw that.  Besides, there no upside to it for wither you as the temp coach as the team.  Think about it, there’s really only two things that can happen.  You either preside over a team that underperforms, in which case you say, “Well, what did you expect? I’m just a temp,” or worse yet, you win and now there’s a “coaching controversy.”

Now for the part I really don’t get at all.  If you are going to do the “temp” thing, why in the hell would you want Bill Parcells? Does anybody really think Parcells is the kind of guy who would make a good “baby-sitter?” Not at all, he’s a control freak; he’s not going to just be your auto-pilot for a year. Besides, if you are the Saints, why do you want this 70-year old guy who hasn’t been relevant in the NFL in nearly 15 years?

Now, let’s get the the actual bounty thing. Boy, did we blow this all out of proportion. There were people out there who said these guys should get kicked out of the league forever.  What a bunch of bullshit.  Are bounties wrong? Yes. Is coaches being involved in it wrong? Very much so.  Look at the crap I had to go through when that goddamn Reggie Dunlop took out a bounty on that goon from Syracuse Tim McCracken.  I told him that you can’t place a bounty on a man’s head; that it could get us all tossed into the klinker. Know what he said to me? “Bullshit.”

Trouble is that asshole was right.  Nobody is going to go to jail over this, and worse yet, whether it is football or hockey, there is a shitload of hypocrisy riding on this issue.  Forget about the fact that the Charlestown Chiefs drew the biggest crowds in the Federal League after Dunlop turned the Hanson Brothers loose. Think about how this has happened in the NFL before, and it was celebrated.  Remember the Bounty Bowl?

The Bounty Bowl was all about an incident in 1989 between bitter rivals in the Philadelphia Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys. The first game in Dallas was noted for allegations that the Philadelphia Eagles put a $200 bounty on the head of Cowboys’ kicker Luis Zendejas, who had been cut by the Eagles earlier that season.  These accusations of bounties led to a media circus before the rematch in Philadelphia.  The stage was set, between the smell of bounties in the air and those crazy-ass Philadelphia fans.

See, the problem is that everybody knew what was about to happen. The league knew what was about to happen.  The players and coaches knew what was about to happen.  And sure as shit the television people knew what was about to happen.  They were counting on it.

It was CBS Sports who coined the term “Bounty Bowl,” and they went all out with the presentation of this being a shootout at the OK Corral.  Their coverage came complete with wanted posters of the offending players with the bounty posted.   NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue was in attendance.  The stage was set for a melee, and that’s exactly what happened.

Being December in Philadelphia, a recent snowfall had blanketed Veterans Stadium, and the grounds crew did not remove the snow that had piled up for several days.  The mix of beer, snow, and bounties created a pro wrestling-style crowd frenzy and those same crazy-ass Philadelphia fans started throwing everything within reach.  Verne Lundquist and Terry Bradshaw announced the game for CBS, and they spentdodging snowballs aimed at the broadcast booth, at one point Lundquist stated on the air that an oral surgery a few days prior had not been as unpleasant as broadcasting an Eagles game.

When you go back and look at what happened there, and compare it to the Saints situation, one question becomes clear: Aren’t all defensive players essentially playiong for a bounty? Think about it…defensive players get paid to “blow guys up,” and they have been doing so for years. Players who consistently make “big plays” get paid, plain and simple. Why? Because ESPN loves “big plays;” they make good television.

As far as why bounties are wrong, it is because they are the purest illustration of the hypocrisy of the NFL. The league loves “big plays,” they make the league as television-friendly as it is. It really isn’t anymore complex than that. The NFL needs violence, but it also now is discovering that it needs to worry about the health and safety of the players.  However, don’t think for a minute this is based on a legitimate concern for player safety. This is all about money.

See, the trouble is Roger Goodell finds himself straddling a straight razor, and on either side of it is a big lie Goodell and the league have perpetrated. On the one side, he knows that violence, a.k.a. “big plays” are what sells tickets. Goodell and the rest of the NFL leadership know what sells their product, and they also know now the value of star players has sky-rocketed. Look at the situation in Denver.  Nobody is going to watch the Broncos if somebody converts Peyton Manning from a $90 million quarterback into a head-popped-off Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot. In other words, in a lot of ways, “player safety” just means “star player safety.”

But on the other side, he’s the commissioner of a league that is in the middle of a plague of lawsuits which are forcing Goodell to act in a manner consistent with a guy who is getting sued.  In other words, Goodell is coming down hard on a bounty system not because it effects the “integrity of the game,” but rather because doing so lends creedence to his bullshit position that he cares about player safety.  What he and the NFL owners care about is that player safety now threatens to become a major expense on the books.  If it weren’t for the lawsuits, the Saints would just be this decade’s answer to the Buddy Ryan Philadelphia Eagles.

And those Eagles were good for business.

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For…The New York Giants

1) Because nobody really knows what Tom Coughlin is

In the span of a month he’s gone from a 7-7 coach who job was on the line to a potential Hall-of-Famer. During his tenure in New York, he’s gone from brutal authoritarian to the coach “players want to play for.” I don’t know which is true, and I don’t care.  Frankly, I think he is secretly Mr. Miyagi.

2) Giants’ fans themselves, Part I

In other words, the group driving the dysmorphic vision behind rule #1. These are the people who were ready to storm the Giants’ “Bastille” six weeks ago demanding Coughlin’s head. Now they want that same head cast in bronze and sent to Canton.

3) Giants’ fans themselves, Part II

Dubsism World Headquarters are located just outside Indianapolis, and as we speak my town is filling up with Giants fans. Half of them look just like the above picture. The men look even worse.

4) They have a Manning

Granted, they have the one that bugs me the least, but now as previously mentioned, Dubsism is based in the smack dab middle of Colts’ Country, and right now we are making a our preparation to flee the impending Indiana civil war which will break out if the  Colts cut Peyton. It’s just like those old re-runs of The Big Valley…Nick may have started all the fights, but his brother Jarrod always had to shoulder the burden.

5) Another Manning joke

Drunk Eli on the cover of a video game is only fitting since most gamers are messed up half the time anyway.

6) The “Helmet Catch”

Sure, this helped them beat the Patriots last time, but thanks to this David Tyree moment, we’ve all had to listen to Patriots fans moan about this for four years.

7) Yet Another Manning joke

Honestly, I can’t tell which is funnier; the “tigger” costume, the Spidey Speedo, or the combination of the two.

8) Still yet another Manning joke

I must admit, that really does resemble Eli throwing on the run.

9) Because I’m a Philadelphia Eagles Fan

The "Miracle at the Meadowlands;" Herm Edwards about to "play to win the game."

Here’s four of my favorite moments in New York Giant history, all courtesy of my Philadelphia Eagles.

What We Learned: The NFL Regular Season

1) Andy Reid and Rex Ryan are just photo-negatives of each other

Andy Reid is quiet and studious. Rex Ryan is loud and brash. And they’ve both lost their locker rooms.

It doesn’t matter where the shit-talking came from, there was far too much of it.  While the media didn’t do Reid and the Eagles any favors with that “Dream Team” bullshit, they fell victim to believing it largely because Reid failed to keep the Eagles grounded in reality.

With the Jets, all the shit-talking came from the Jets themselves.  The word is starting to get out that Rex Ryan is all talk that he can’t back up. With all the crap that team spewed about how they were the team to beat, they ended up in the same place as the Eagles: 8-8 and playing golf in January.

Even if you don’t think their respective team quit on them, they certainly had pain-in-the ass wide receivers who did. Some people say Santonio Holmes may have quit on his team late in the last game against the Dolphins. Those people clearly haven’t been watching Jets football; Holmes has been a non-factor for quite some time. In Philadelphia, the obvious problem child was DeSean Jackson, or as I like to call him “Punk Bitch Vagina Face.”

This is what happens when you can't back up your smack-talk.

2) Defense apparently is now illegal

Consider the following: this season saw 2 quarterback s with 5,000 passing yards, 8 more with over 4,000 (including rookie Cam Newton), and 7 more mediocre-to-shitty ones with over 3,000 (Ryan Fitzpatrick, Joe Flacco, Josh Freeman, Matt Hasselbeck, Mark Sanchez, Michael Vick, Rex Grossman, Alex Smith, and Tarvaris Jackson –  and that doesn’t include the 3K season posted by rookie Andy Dalton).

3) Bill Polian somehow went blind

The former vice chairman of the Indianapolis Colts, the man who built that franchise around Peyton Manning, apparently didn’t see the infrastructure collapsing. He thinks the reason he got fired was for not having a back-up for Peyton Manning.

Bill, the reason you got fired was because the team got old, can’t run, and can’t play defense. Manning didn’t affect any of that. Since football is the ultimate team sport, there is no way  team should be so defined by a single player that it literally melts away the second that player is missing.

4) The NFL has some franchises that are in trouble

Stop and think about this: Where would the franchises in Jacksonville, Buffalo, Minnesota, New Orleans, San Diego and St. Louis be if the NFL did not do revenue-sharing? Discuss amongst yourselves.

5) The “Dream Team” moniker is a kiss of death

What do you do with a season that started with such promise, delivered none of it, but yet ended on a positive note? In Philadelphia, the standard operating procedure is “find someone to blame.”

Blaming Andy Reid is easy. The irony is that the same media which points a collective finger at the coach used that same finger to type all the bullshit hype that destroyed this team.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ascribing the bullshit season the Eagles had exclusively on the crap the media spewed, but they own a part of it. Inasmuch as the team owns not meeting expectations, it was the media who set those unrealistic expectations in the first place.

Once the label “Dream Team” was hung around the organization, they were dead.

What We Learned From This Weekend in Football 12/4/2011

1) Stick a Fork in ‘Em… The Philadelphia Eagles  Turkeys are Done

Just by taking the Sgt. Joe Friday approach (“Just the facts”), one can see it is time to blow up this thing in Philadelphia. The Michael Vick thing was a mistake, DeSean Jackson is a cancer, and the whole “Dream Team” thing was an unmitigated disaster. It’s time to clean house from the general manager on down and start over.

2) Conference Championship Games are Meaningless

Name one thing that would have changed had Georgia beaten LSU? The BCS championship game was decided two weeks ago. The outcome of the Michigan State/Wisconsin game would have only re-arranged a few deck chairs on the BCS cruise ship…Wiscy was in the BCS no matter what, and Sparty would simply have taken Michigan’s place in the field; with Wisconsin going to the Sugar Bowl.  Remember, the BCS is more an exercise about conference affiliation and who will travel well. Keeping that in consideration, the fun question becomes what would the BCS have done had Penn State been the 2-loss Big Ten team rather Michigan?

Not to mention, the most exciting thing that happens in most of them is that silly halftime challenge where some guy from the stands tosses a football into a giant can for some sort of prize.  Yawn.

3) Instant Replay Still Solves Nothing

Today’s example of the uselessness of instant replay came from the SEC Championship game when Tyrann “Honey Badger” Mathieu apparently flipped the ball to the official before he has actually scored.

Now, instant replay caught this, but the officials charged with reviewing the replay completely missed it. In fact, nobody caught it except the announcers doing the game, and Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson didn’t catch this until at least five plays later when it was a completely moot point.  This is the perfect example of one of my biggest beefs with instant replay as an officiating tool. The supposition is that replay erases mistakes; it very obviously does not.

4) Updated Coaches Death Watch

  • Houston Nutt, Mississippi
  • Rick Neuheisel, UCLA
  • Paul Wulff, Washington State
  • Dennis Erickson, Arizona State
  • Turner Gill, Kansas
  • Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins
  • Neil Callaway, Alabama-Birmingham
  • Mike Riley, Oregon State
  • Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars
  • Steve Fairchild, Colorado State
  • Steve Spagnuolo, St. Louis Rams
  • Frank Spaziani, Boston College
  • Mike Sherman, Texas A&M
  • Todd Haley, Kansas City Chiefs
  • Luke Fickell, Ohio State (replaced, but retained on new head coach Urban Meyer’s staff)
  • Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles
  • Lezlie Frazier, Minnesota Vikings
  • Jim Caldwell, Indianapolis Colts
  • Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers

5) Finally, A Minnesota Viking Fan I Can Relate To…

Honestly, I need to double-fist it to get through a Viking game as well…

What We Learned From This Weekend in Football 10/9/2011

1) Minnesota might be the worst BCS Conference team I’ve seen since…well, Minnesota

The last time Gopher Football was relevant, Bobby Cox was their quarterback. Not the former Atlanta Braves' manager; but the age almost works.

The good news is the Golden Gophers found the end zone this week, and they didn’t need a Sherpa guide to do it.  The bad news is both of their trips to paydirt came after they were already down by six touchdowns, and once again they didn’t even look competitive in a game against Big Ten competition.  In two Big Ten games so far this season, the Gophers have been outscored by a total margin of 103-17.

2) I take that back, I forgot about Kansas

After six minutes, the Jayhawks led, 7-0.  At the half, Oklahoma State was in charge 56-7. By the time it was over, Kansas gave up up 10 touchdowns and 600 yards in total offense.

3) Why The NFL Drives Me Crazy – Part 6,452

Seriously, this league gets more exasperating every year.  First of all, There’s no clear cut great and complete teams anymore. I’ve spoke to this at length before, but honestly it’s getting worse.

Now, people keep trying to tell me that some teams are so great far too early in the season simply based on their won-loss record. I understand Detroit Lion fans are excited that their team is 5-0 for the first time since the Bobby Layne era, but let’s be honest…what happens in October doesn’t matter at all compared to what happens in January. Seriously, does anybody out there think the Lions are as good as the Packers? Does anybody think the Lions are better than the Patriots?

To illustrate my point, I’m going to use a phrase that makes my colon twist up like an over-used phone cord: “If the play-offs were to start today…” So, here’s what the post-season would look like (based on current play-off tie-breaking criteria)

AFC:

  1. San Diego (bye)
  2. Buffalo (bye)
  3. Baltimore
  4. Houston
  5. New England (wild-card #1)
  6. Oakland (wild-card #2)

NFC: 

  1. Green Bay (bye)
  2. San Francisco (bye)
  3. New Orleans
  4. Washington
  5. Detroit (wild-card #1)
  6. Tampa Bay (wild-card #2)

It is so plainly obvious this is NOT what the playoffs will look like come January. Yet, people get all whipped up saying ridiculous things based on what is happening a scant five games into the season. Again, I ask, does anybody really think Buffalo is the second-best team in the AFC? In fact, how many of the teams that I listed here won’t get a sniff of the playoffs?

4) What the Oklahoma Sooners have in common with the Detroit Lions

While thunderous and impressive, this still does not constitute a running game.

Primarily, this is a cautionary tale for both teams…both sides have a lot of positives, but those upsides are also obscuring some flaws that may haunt both of these teams later on down the road.

Schedule:

While both are 5-0 and have their fans at full-throat, neither team has played a “good” team yet. The Sooners have fatted up on the likes of a faded Texas rose and a fraudelent Florida State squad while the Lions won’t face a “good” team until the host the Packers on Thanksgiving Day.

The Hidden Weaknesses:

Both teams have at least one, and nobody seems to want to pay attention to them.

Oklahoma has a serious special teams issue.  This came into play twice last Saturday against Texas, who gashed the Sooners’ kick coverage for two touchdown returns.  If not for a penalty on the second return, Oklahoma would have surrendered more points to the Texas kick return team than the Longhorn offense could manage.

Both the Sooners and the Detroit Lions have fraudulent running games.  Oklahoma did not generate much of a rushing game against the Texas defensive front, and the Lions had the same issue against the Bears. The problem is this is largely hidden by a few big runs by the Sooners’ Dominique Whaley and the Lions’ Jahvid Best. If you subtract any runs of 25 or more yards from the Sooners’ or Lions’ rushing totals, the lack of a real running game becomes apparent.

Any offensive coach worth his weight in Spam will tell you that while the “home runs” make for sweet fantasy football numbers (spoken as Jahvid Best owner), they do not make an effective running game. Teams that truly can run the ball can routinely get first downs on the ground.

5) The Philadelphia Eagles are finished

Not just this season, either. This team has a ton of talent, but it has a serious lack of leadership. At some point, Andy Reid lost control in Philadelphia, and unless he regains it soon, it may be time for the longest-tenured coach in the NFL to get a new mailing address…end of story.

6) The time to hit the “Panic Button” in Columbus is now

If you are an Ohio State fan, it’s time to get worried…very worried.  You just watched your team blow a three-touchdown lead to a team that got smoked like a cheap cigar the previous week by Wisconsin. Not only does that mean you are arguably a third-rung team in the Big Tweleveten, but the Tattoo-gate story still just won’t go away.

When this first broke, I thought this wasn’t going to be a big story. Now, Jim “Cheatypants McSweatervest” Tressel is gone, as is Terelle Pryor. Devier Posey’s suspension has been lengthened, and the digging isn’t over yet.

7) Today marks the beginning of the end of the Tebow era

This isn’t about hating on Tebow, this is about why Tebow is now the starting quarterback in Denver.  The perception is that John Fox and the Broncos’ organization caved to fan pressure. Nothing could be further from the truth.

This is actually a calculated move on the part of Fox and the Bronco front office which inherited Tebow from the previous regime. Think about it this way…

Fact #1: Tim Tebow isn’t an NFL quarterback…not yet, at least.

Fact #2: The Bronco fan base is desperate.

Fact #3: John Fox and John Elway aren’t “Tebow” guys, otherwise this move would have been made a while ago.

Fact #4: The Broncos spent a first-round pick on Tebow.

Fact #5: Tebow has a well-spring of unreasonable supporters who have been clamoring for his day under center.

So, what we have is a  back-up quarterback so popular he once led the league in jersey sales before he ever having took a single snap; popular with everyone except his coach and general manager. We have an unpopular starting quarterback, but he a proven winner in the NFL. Its’ apparent that the fans won’t shut-up about their wanting Tebow, and Kyle Orton is a free-agent after this season anyway.

So, Fox and Elway took the opportunity Orton presented them this week. When he had the off day everybody has at some point, the Bronco leadership decided to launch “Operation Timmy Fail.” That’s right, the plan is to throw Tebow to the NFL wolves and wait for the impending disaster.

The only way to get the Tebow era over is to get it started. He isn’t going to get any more prepared in the remainder of this season before Orton blows town, so why not get the ball rolling now? Frankly, the Broncos have nothing to lose.

First of all, the Broncos are already terrible, so Tebow can’t do any harm to a team which isn’t going to see a playoff run anytime soon. If Timmy is in fact terrible, it gives Fox and Elway want they really want; to be free and clear of the Tebow phenomenon. If he succeeds, they get to be heroes for pulling the plug on Orton.

The trouble is it is pretty clear they are gambling on the former.  Tebow is one of the most unprepared quarterbacks for this moment I’ve ever seen and the Broncos have made sure that is the case. The Broncos in turn are doing him a great disservice because they want him gone; they can’t cut him otherwise the Teb-o-philes will come after them with torches and pitchforks.

Frankly, I hope Tebow shoves this little scheme up Fox and Elway’s collective asses. He’s off to a nice start by managing to bring the Broncos back to a “puncher’s chance” to win against the Chargers.  He has guts and the team clearly responded to him. I want him to succeed, but I think it is a long shot simply because he doesn’t have the tools to play the position…someday he may, but he doesn’t now.

8 ) #OccupyGameDay

This hashtag is the Twitter home of the movement launched by fans of the Dan Patrick Show against “The Mothership.” It’s all about sneaking references to the Dan Patrick Show into the background of ESPN’s College GameDay.

From DanPatrick.com:

KEZI in Oregon ran a story on “Occupy GameDay” this week. Here is the text:

EUGENE, Ore. — Security at ESPN’s College GameDay in Eugene on Saturday will be on the lookout for more than the usual safety threats and foul language on signs. Now, they have references to radio host Dan Patrick’s broadcast to watch out for.

Last Saturday when GameDay was in Dallas, Texas for the Red River Rivalry between Oklahoma and Texas one sign in particular snuck through the crowd without oversight. The sign read: “Chris in Syracuse.”

For those unfamiliar with Mr. Patrick and the meaning of the term, the sign seems relatively harmless. For regular listeners of the show — and ESPN — the sign goes against what Patrick claims has been previously allowed in the crowd. On his show Patrick said that fans at the Oklahoma vs. Texas games were being turned away if they had signs or cutouts with obvious references to him or his show.

Patrick was an anchor at ESPN from 1989 to 2006 and his show was part of the ESPN family until 2007. He helped coin the nickname for ESPN’s flagship program SportsCenter with fellow anchor Keith Olbermann, calling it “The Big Show”. Patrick has stated several times that ESPN often does not allow current employees to appear as guests on his current radio show.

So what does “Chris in Syracuse” mean? The sign references a listener of Patrick’s show who calls in to offer his opinion on a daily basis. The caller — Chris, from Syracuse, New York — is part of the Dan Patrick Show canon of running gags and bits.

Patrick has made reference this week to the sign being held up on last Saturday’s show and seems to be encouraging his listeners to take part in trying to sneak past the College GameDay defenses repeating a simple message on today’s show, “Occupy GameDay. Eugene, Oregon.”

What signs and running gags can Eugene residents expect to see that may be related to Patrick’s followers? Here’s a list from the show’s WikiPedia page:

-Height and weight of a given person or player, a bit on the show.

-References to “Passion Bucket”, a running gag involving a quote from UCLA Bruins head football coach Rick Neuheisel.

-The quote “Against the Grain” a popular segment on the show.

-The phrase “What did we learn today?” another segment from the show.

-The “Best and Worst of the weekend” a segment from the show.

-References to “a well-listened-to radio show” a running gag based on a reporter reference to the Dan Patrick Show.

-References to “The Danettes” by group or by name (Patrick’s producers and employees): Paulie Pabst, Seton O’Connor, Andrew Perloff and Todd Fritz (Fritzy).

-References to nicknames on the show including: McLovin (Perloff), Sequin/The White Swan/Soft O’Connor (Seton O’Connor) Danny Jawface (Patrick).

-”ROAR!” the result of a lost bet on the part of O’Connor wherein he must shout “ROAR!” before speaking on microphone during the show.

As Dan himself says, we don’t condone this activity, but we do celebrate it. Considering this whole “What We Learned” bit is completely ripped off from a respectful tribute to the Dan Patrick Show, what else could I say?

P.S. Jarrett Lee does eat boogers.

The Dubsism 2011 Pre-Season NFL Power Rankings

As we find ourselves on the verge of another NFL season, it is time for the degenerate gambler in me to preview the carnage. Let’s face it, the NFL is comprised of  three classes: Really Good, Mediocre, and Lousy.  This means NFL predictions are pretty easy to get reasonably correct. For example, the online sports book experts find it easy to predict the AFC East standings each year. As long as quarterback Tom Brady is playing for head coach Bill Belichick in New England, that will be your division favorite. Another point that should be obvious is that if you are reading this article and expecting anything more clever than a sports book expert, maybe you shouldn’t be gambling in the first place.

Having said that, here’s how we see these teams come January (playoff teams noted in green).

Rankings by Division

AFC East

The Patriots looked invincible last season until the New York Jets found their Achilles’ heel. Once you take away the Patriots running game, their offense suddenly can’t create plays. However, the Pats’ seem to have addressed that by solidifying the offensive line.  Otherwise, the Patriots needed to make two major changes;  they needed help in the defensive secondary, and they needed size in the running game. Danny Woodhead is a great story, but he’s a munchkin, and teams had him figured out by the playoffs. Brandon Meriwether is a fraud, and has been for a while. This is why the Patriots drafted defensive back Ras-I Dowling and running back Shane Vereen. When you stop to consider the Patriots’ past success at player scouting and development (don’t make me break out the Tom Brady cliché yet again), it is safe to assume that the Patriots solved their problems.

Q: Who knew this looked a future Hall-of-Famer? A: Bill Belichick.

But don’t sleep on the Jets.  The Jets get the second spot in the AFC East by default; the Bills and Dolphins are both in that “Lousy” category. The Jets season hinges on two things: the defense has to live up to expectations by being the dominant unit it should be, and Mark Sanchez has to not suck. Frankly, it is time for Sanchez to prove he is worthy of the star status he has been accorded. If he finally shows us he is the “San-chise,” the sky is the limit for the Jets. If not, expect another playoff loss.

  1. New England Patriots
  2. New York Jets
  3. Miami Dolphins
  4. Buffalo Bills

AFC North

The Ravens defense used to be radioactive to offenses, but like all radioactive elements, eventually they pass their half-life and the decay becomes noticeable. This may not be the year that happens, but it is getting more likely with time. If the Ravens are going to make a move and snatch this division from the Steelers, that defense needs to stay healthy and give us one more season of nuclear-powered destruction. Anything short of that, and we may very well be seeing those damn Terrible Towels deep into the playoffs.

  1. Pittsburgh Steelers
  2. Baltimore Ravens
  3. Cleveland Browns
  4. Cincinnati Bengals

AFC South

This division goes to the Texans by default. Tennessee has a new head coach, and I have no faith that Matt Hasselbeck is the cure to all that ailed the Titans. Jacksonville is just plain bad, and I can’t sell on the Colts fast enough. If you saw Indianapolis in the pre-season, you saw the lack of Peyton Manning is only one problem this team has. The offensive line couldn’t block a hat, the defense acts more like the express lane at the toll-booth, and head coach Jim Caldwell couldn’t find his balls with both hands. However, in all fairness, it’s not like the Texans have ever shown they know where their balls are either; they’ve never once showed they have what it takes to win.

  1. Houston Texans
  2. Tennessee Titans
  3. Indianapolis Colts
  4. Jacksonville Jaguars

AFC West

Here’s another default situation that just drives me nuts. Every year, I get sucked in by the Chargers, only to watch them underperform. I honestly wish I could say with confidence San Diego can’t win this division, but who else can? The Raiders didn’t lose a division game last year, but they also have a new head coach, question marks all over the roster, and the usual Raider drama. The Chiefs showed what they were in that seal-clubbing they took at the hands of the Ravens in the playoff last season, and they didn’t get better since then. Do I even need to mention the Denver Tebows?

  1. San Diego Chargers
  2. Oakland Raiders
  3. Kansas City Chiefs
  4. Denver Broncos

NFC East

We could call this division the NFC Over-Rated. I swear to god, the next person who refers to the Eagles as “dream team” will get kicked in the neck (I say this as a lifelong Eagles fan). They have some serious issues on the offensive line, and I will give you even money Michael Vick proves to be a bust on that big contract he just got. Don’t forget he got the crap beaten out of him last season and lost five games due to injury, plus he got progressively worse as the season went on. Not to mention he is age-wise already north of 30, and I don’t know of too many athletes that aged like wine; running quarterbacks age like milk.

Then there’s the Cowboys. To buy this team, I need to do two things that make me nervous. First, I have to buy Tony Romo as a quarterback who can win a game that means something; that’s compounded by the fact he plays behind an offensive line that at times can look like five matadors in silver and blue. Secondly, I need to see head coach Jason Garrett take this team out of the gate as “the man;” last year I suspect he got a bump in performance out of that team just for not being fat Bob Newhart Wade Phillips.

As far as the Giants are concerned…well, let’s just say the difference between Tony Romo and Eli Manning is pure, uncut luck. Without one David Tyree catch against his helmet as the best possible time, we are likely dogging the drunken, non-misshapen-headed Manning as badly as we dog Romo now. Besides, that one catch lengthens the time before I will see Tom Coughlin standing by a freeway on-ramp holding a sign which says “will be an asshole for food.”

One of these quarterbacks is probably not a homosexual. The other is Eli Manning.

The only thing for sure about this division is that the Redskins will be a vortex of inter-galactic suckittude; the kind that generates such a gravitational pull it threatens to collapse under its own mass.

  1. Philadelphia Eagles
  2. New York Giants
  3. Dallas Cowboys
  4. Washington Redskins

NFC North

The Packers return better as defending champs not because they added tons of talent in the off-season; rather because they are entering with all the talent they lost due to injury. Let’s face it, the 2010 Packers were so beat up last year they looked like the battered women’s shelter by Mike Tyson’s house. If they can learn to slip that “I’m off my Lithium again” left-hook the NFL season can throw, the Packers will prove to be more than a Buster Douglas-type one-trick pony.

Meanwhile, three hours to the south lies the enigma known as the Chicago Bears. How can a team have so many ex-head coaches on its staff (Mike Martz, Rod Marinelli, and Mike Tice) and not know that a key to a successful offense is not letting the other team turn their quarterback into lawn mulch? It is easy to beat on Jay Cutler, but’s let’s be fair, he could sue his offensive line for non-support. If there’s a guy in Chicago who should be getting called out, it’ s Lovie Smith. He’s done the least with the most talent of nearly any coach in this league, and yet his job never seems to be in danger. One can make an argument that a coach who didn’t have his head up his ass could have won two Super Bowls with the Bears during the Lovie regime, but nobody ever seems to mention that…

If Wal-Mart made a cheap, Guatemalan-made version of the New York Jets, it might just be the Detroit Lions. Let’s look at the common components:

  • A team that will likely have a bone-shattering defense
  • A team designed around a “ball-control” offense
  • A team with a young quarterback who needs to prove he’s the real deal
This will be the first year of the post-Favre debacle in Minnesota; an era that will be marked by 6-win seasons and a continued failure to understand the value of the quarterback position and the talent required to make a winner.
  1. Green Bay Packers
  2. Chicago Bears
  3. Detroit Lions
  4. Minnesota Vikings

NFC South

The NFL Lockout really was a cover story so Drew Brees could hang out with Seal Team 6 and waste some bad guys.

The Saints may very well be the most complete offense in the NFC. Drew Brees and Sean Payton make the brainiest quarterback-coach combination since Joe Montana and Bill Walsh. Not only did the running game get better simply by the subtraction of Reggie StolenHeisman-KardashianReject,  the addition of running back Mark Ingram and “I’m gonna smash you in the mouth” center Olin Kreutz, makes for a physical ground game to go with the Brees and Company Flying Circus.

Every since draft day, we’ve known the Falcons think they are “that one piece away,” and they think that piece is wide receiver Julio Jones. Honestly, I would be more concerned about the impending breakdown of running back Michael Turner; in the past few seasons he’s touched more balls than the lady who does the lottery drawings.

  1. New Orleans Saints
  2. Atlanta Falcons
  3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
  4. Carolina Panthers

NFC West

Welcome to the NFC 7-9 Division, or as I like to call it, the “Somebody’s got to win it” Division. Honestly, I loved all the belly aching that went on about how a team with a losing record shouldn’t be in the playoffs despite the fact the SeaHacks won under the architecture provided, and the people who bitched the loudest about the NFL playoff system are the same ones who beat on college football for not having a playoff. Plus, it was these very same people who bitched about my solution for the college playoff issue who stole the line form the “Poll and Bowl” crowd about this being about the “best teams, not just those who win a bad division.”

That was until the SeaHacks knocked out the Saints. Then it all stopped. It really doesn’t matter, because one of these teams will be in the playoffs whether you like it or not.

  1. St. Louis Rams
  2. Arizona Cardinals
  3. San Francisco 49ers
  4. Seattle Seahawks

Overall Rankings

  1. New England Patriots
  2. Green Bay Packers
  3. Philadelphia Eagles
  4. Pittsburgh Steelers
  5. New York Jets
  6. New Orleans Saints
  7. San Diego Chargers
  8. Atlanta Falcons
  9. Baltimore Ravens
  10. New York Giants
  11. Houston Texans
  12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
  13. Dallas Cowboys
  14. Chicago Bears
  15. Miami Dolphins
  16. St. Louis Rams
  17. Tennessee Titans
  18. Detroit Lions
  19. Indianapolis Colts
  20. Arizona Cardinals
  21. Oakland Raiders
  22. Cleveland Browns
  23. Kansas City Chiefs
  24. Jacksonville Jaguars
  25. Seattle Seahawks
  26. Minnesota Vikings
  27. San Francisco 49’ers
  28. Buffalo Bills
  29. Denver Broncos
  30. Cincinnati Bengals
  31. Washington Redskins
  32. Carolina Panthers

The NFL Playoffs – The Definitive Dubsism Oddsmaker’s View

1) New England Patriots

Why They Can Win:

If you ever needed proof the Patriots are a dynasty like the Steelers of the 70’s and 49ers of the 80’s, the fact that I get violent nausea just mentioning Tom Brady or Bill Belichick should tel the tale. In comparison, just mentioning the New York Yankess cranks me another notch toward fatal rectal cancer. What really drives me nuts is this may be the most impressive season of all in this current run.  They made a star out of that munchkin Danny Woodhead. They traded (speaking of cancer) Randy Moss.  They can’t run the ball and their defense couldn’t stop a Pop Warner team, yet somehow they are 14-2 record. I just can’t see this team losing right now.

Why They Can’t Win:

Either Tom Brady will finally have an episode of Cutler Syndrome, or the defense will prove to be the Achilles’ heel it looks to be.

Odds of Winning: 2 to 1

2) Pittsburgh Steelers

Why They Can Win:

The “Big Ben” episode from the beginning of the season seems to be ancient history, and this team is very quietly playing like the elite team they are, even if they are on the “Rodney Dangerfield” list for not getting any respect.

Why They Can’t Win:

This team can win without Ben Roethlisberger. This team can win without a lot of people; Troy Polamalu isn’t one of them. The strength of this team is its defense, and Polamalu is the backbone of the entire unti. Without him, the Steelers become the Aluminumers.

Odds of Winning: 3 to 1

3) Philadelphia Eagles

Why They Can Win:

Take a coin out of your pocket. This coin represents the streakiness of the Philadelphia Eagles. Flip the coin. Heads, Eagles win.  A month ago, I had this team as the best in the NFC,  but that complete lack of consistency drives me batshit crazy.

Why They Can’t Win:

Flip that coin Again. Shit, Tales.

Michael Vick is easily my favorite player to watch in the NFL; he is fucking electrifying to watch. Between him and Jeremy Maclin, DeSean Jackson, and LeSean McCoy, this may be the fastest offense I’ve ever seen.

Flip that coin again. Goddamnit, tales again.

Odds of Winning: 3 to 1

4) Baltimore Ravens

Why They Can Win:

If you know the difference between Target and WalMart, then you know the difference between the Steelers and the Ravens. The shopping carts are little cleaner and they roll a little straighter at Target, but you get better prices at WalMart. The Baltimore Ravens are WalMart, and nobody loves to save a buck more than a Hot-Pocket eating blogger.

Why They Can’t Win:

Three things stand in this team’s way: Joe Flacco’s consistency, the fact they didn’t win the AFC North; it will be difficult for them to win three tough games in a row, and that old guy that hands out the shopping carts at the door.

Odds of Winning: 5 to 1

5) New Orleans Saints

Why They Can Win:

As goes Drew Brees, so go the Saints. But this season, New Orleans has been the scene of a Robert Louis Stevenson novel, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Brees. Sometmes this season, it seems Drew drank the concoction and became this ham-fisted monster, tossing picks at a near Favrian clip. If Drew Brees doesn’t give away the football, the Saints are dangerous.

Why They Can’t Win:

The complete absence of a running game now that Pierre Thomas and Christopher Ivory are both out…and the fact there hasn’t been another hurricane so everybody will feel sorry for them.

Odds of Winning: 6 to 1

6) Green Bay Packers

Why They Can Win:

In short,  three reasons: Aaron Rodgers, who once he wins his first playoff game may just win three more, a superb vertical passing game, and a play-making ball-hawk defense.

Why They Can’t Win:

In what is clearly becoming a theme here, the Packers may be the purest example of the “can’t really run” team. It’s like everybody suddenly thought the “Dan Marino” model was the way to go. It’s like everybody forgot how many championships Marino won

Odds of Winning: 8 to 1

7) Atlanta Falcons

Why They Can Win:

Atlanta may be the most complete and balanced team in this tournament, and they easily could be rated much higher.  The most  recent loss to the Saints just seems like too much of a warning sign there’s a demon out there which will present itself during a play-off game.

Why They Can’t Win:

Matt Ryan is a heady quarterback who plays so intelligently, and while those comparisons to Peyton Manning very well may be accurate, Ryan has yet to show himself on that level in a big game. If he does, expect the Falcons to fold because Manning has always been a terrible “big game” quarterback; Manning’s only Super Bowl win comes from Lovie Smith’s refusal to get Rex Grossman off the field. Eventually, I think Ryan will prove to be a “big-game” quarterback, I’m just not sold this is the year.

Odds of Winning: 10 to 1

8 ) Chicago Bears

Why They Can Win:

To be honest, I don’t have a good answer for this. Granted, when Jay Cutler is on, he makes the Bears look like a legitimate contender. But he’s never been “on” for more than two games in a row. Plus, he is a colossal douchebag. Combined with the dumbest coach who never seems to be on the hot seat,  Lovie “Rex Grossman is my guy” Smith, I just can’t think of a single reason why the Bears should be taken seriously, except for Devin “Stop Kicking to Him” Hester.

Why They Can’t Win:

They are the worst 11-5 team I’ve ever seen – they define over-rated. Brian Urlacher is the face of this franchise, and he doesn’t just define over-rated, he is the Pope and Infallible Leader of the Church of Over-rated.  To Cutler’s credit, somehow he has managed to stay alive behind an offensive line comprised of Olin Kreutz and four turnstiles, but let’s not forget this: To all you people who think the Bears are for real and think the Seahawks don’t belong in the playoffs, remember the SeaHacks beat the Bears in October.

Odds of Winning: 12 to 1

9) New York Jets

Why They Can Win:

The Jets are still very bold and still have playmakers.  Rex Ryan is one those guys that makes anything possible.

Why They Can’t Win:

Because they have yet to back up all their trash-talk. Don’t get me wrong, I love Rex Ryan, but he needs to put up or shut up. If this team can get past either Pittsburgh and/or New England, they will win it all. But they have yet to show me they have the stones to make the move from good to great.

Odds of Winning: 15 to 1

10) Kansas City Chiefs

Why They Can Win:

There is an inviolable rule about play-off football: never count out a team that can a) run the ball and b) play defense. This is the recipe the Chefs used to get this far, and with Matt Cassel playing like a legitimate NFL quarterback, Kansas City can be that team that has a “puncher’s chance.”

Why They Can’t Win:

Out of their ten wins, the Chiefs beat one playoff team (Seattle). They won a division so bad the Oakland Raiders went 6-0 in divisional games and couldn’t make the playoffs; the Chiefs could only manage a 2-4 record in the AFC West. It is also those deficiencies that make me suspect of the Chiefs #1 ranked running game; they racked up a lot of stats against teams like Oakland, Denver, Houston, Buffalo, and San Francisco.

Odds of Winning: 20 to 1

11) Indianapolis Colts

Why They Can Win:

Because Peyton Manning is one of the greatest players in the history on the NFL, and he isn’t far enough past his prime to be discounted.

Why They Can’t Win:

Because Peyton Manning is all they have. The Colts can’t run the ball, and they can’t stop anybody. Factor in all the injuries this team has suffered, and it becomes clear the Dolts’ days are numbered. In many respects, this might be the worst team in the play-offs despite all the moaning about the Seahawks 7-9 record.  All the Colts can do is throw the ball; the Seahawks can run and have shows glimpses of the ability to play defense, albeit not often enough.

Odds of Winning: 25 to 1

12) Seattle Seahawks

Why They Can Win:

Everybody else’s plane could crash, there could be a plague of locusts, ther could be a massive outbreak of food poisoning from the people who do all the NFL food handling…you don’t know, it could happen.

Why They Can’t Win:

To put it in gambling terms, The SeaHacks are drawing to an inside straight three times over.  Well, the first draw isn’t that long; it is concievable Seattle could win their home game against the Saints. New Orleans is beat up, it depends on which quarterback shows up, Dr. Brees or Mr. Hyde;  and Qwest Field is notoriously rough on visiting teams. But Seattle knows how to lose, as they have done it nine times this year, and none of those were closer than 16 points.

Odds of Winning: 75 to 1

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