Tag Archives: Ohio State

Guest Column: Joe McGrath on Stupidity

Editor’s Note: Mr. McGrath has long and storied history in the management of professional sports franchises, most notably as the general manager of the Charlestown Chiefs of the now-defunct Federal League. Oh, and this is probably a good time to mention that Mr. McGrath’s views are his own, and do not necessarily reflect those of Dubsism, our staff, or anybody else whose house you might want to burn to the ground.

What a lot of you don’t know about me is that I love to read in my spare time. I picked up this habit on those long bus trips to places like Peterborough back in my Federal League days. The other night I found this book of quotes, and it had a section on stupidity. As I read through some of these quotes, it occurred to me just how rampant stupidity is in our world.  Albert Einstien once said only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. I don’t that guy ever said anything ever more important. The funny part is that so many of these quotes, eve if they are hundreds of years old still apply to some of the shitheads we have out there today.

1) Bud Selig, Commissioner, Major League Baseball

“The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he always gives himself for doing them.” – Oscar Wilde

For life of me, I can’t figure out what this shit-for-brains was thinking. He has one guy who wanted to buy the Dodgers and had the money, cash goddamn money, and all of it that day. Instead, Commissioner Big Brain sells to a guy that has less than 2% of the cash up-front, and has the rest of the money in a financing plan shakier Oprah’s flabby ass.

2) Brian Sabean, General Manager, San Francisco Giants

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and consciencious stupidity.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

You baseball guys are such pussies sometimes. In hockey, if our star goalie gets plowed over, we just send a few of the big boys out to exact some “street justice.” But when Buster Posey got creamed on a play where deserved to get creamed, you bitched about it so long and loud you probably went through two full menstrual cycles while you did it. Teach your boys to play hard, but play smart, and most of all, keep your little fairy-yap shut. The game is about them, not your soft, fluffy ass.

3) David Kahn, General Manager, Minnesota Timberwolves

“Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.”  – Sloan Wilson

This is right in my wheelhouse, as I was a general manger you far more years than I care to remember. There’s tow parts to the bottom line to success in that job.

  1. Never question the integrity of the league commissioner, even if you know the cocksucker is so crooked his driver’s license picture looks like a question mark.
  2. Never fire a coach who is happy to have a shitty job.

I rarely see a guy who steps in it like this moulyak. He blew through both of these in less than a month. First, he essentially calls NBA Commissioner David Stern a crook by insinuating the league’s draft lottery is fixed. Of course Stern’s a crook, he’s a Commissioner. To be a Commissioner, you have to be a politician, and to be a politician, you have have to be slimier that a snot-covered pile of worm-filled horse shit. You just can’t say it.

Then he jerks around Kurt Rambis on the Wolves’ head coaching job. Look, I get Rambis couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag if you gave him a map and a blowtorch, but nobody in their right mind wants that job. If you have a guy whose is happy to fail in a job where you expect failure, be happy with that.

4) Jim Hendry, General Manager, Chicago Cubs

“The ugly and the stupid have the best of it in this world. They can sit at their ease and gape at the play. If they know nothing of victory, they are at least spared the knowledge of defeat.” – Oscar Wilde

Let’s be honest, anybody in a leadership role with the Cubs clearly understands this. Without the thrill of victory, there is no point of reference for the agony of defeat. That means if you are Jim Hendry, there’s just of lot of confused staring into the opposing dugout and wondering, “Why do those guys all seem so happy?”

5) Jim Riggleman, ex-Manager, Washington Nationals

“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.” – Oscar Wilde

I understand how the blue-collar set thinks Riggleman standing up for his pride is a noble and honorable act. That’s exactly why they are on the lower rung of the social ladder and will never climb it. Riggleman wasn’t some ball-scratcher making eleven bucks an hour on some assembly line; he had signed a binding contract to do a job, for which he was to be paid in one year what the people worshipping his titanic act of stupidity make in a decade.  Instead, Riggleman doesn’t have the raisins to live with his pride being wounded a bit and commits career suicide over it.

6) E. Gordon Gee, President,  Ohio State Penitentiary University

“Between a fellow who is stupid and honest and one who is smart and crooked, I will take the first. I won’t get much out of him, but with that other guy I can’t keep what I’ve got.” – General Lewis B. Hershey

Time for some brutal honesty for Brutus F. Buckeye. The “resignation” of Jim Tressel was not an attempt of the university to ward off NCAA sanctions. It was attempt by Gee to yank his ass out of the fire. Gee committed the cardinal sin of letting a subordinate get away with murder because he was producing results. Every once in a while, you have to make sure your people aren’t doing things for which you ultimately will be held accountable.

When you find out something on which you need to act, there are plenty of ways to deal with such a problem that still insulate yourself. Put a sealed letter of reprimand in his file that contains a clause to the effect of  “you are on double-secret probation for period of time X, at the end of which this letter will be removed from your file.”

The trick is you keep that letter in your file along with a log of everytime the farted in the wrong key; that way you have a record that you acted on known bad behavior, and you have plenty of stuff to introduce into the record for any potential legal proceedings.

Either way, you will have cards to play instead of losing your job for “looking the other way.”  Denial always means death when the word gets out.

Ask The Geico Guy: Is Terrelle Pryor Leaving Ohio State a Surprise?

Do you live under a rock? Let’s cut through the guano here.  If back in December you didn’t at least suspect that at least one of the “Ohio State Five” would never put on a Buckeye uniform again, you are naive. If after Coach Cheatypants McSweatervest bought the farm last week, you still thought all five of those kids who were suspended for the first five games of the upcoming season were coming back like they “promised” to do, you are delusional. If you think Pryor is the last one to bolt…well, I have a bridge in Brooklyn you may want to consider purchasing as an investment property.

But Did Jim Tressel Make The Trains Run On Time?

"That crook Tressel is going to be remembered as a "good man," and nobody remembers that I made the trains run on time!"

Watching the fall of Jim Tressel at Ohio State has been like watching the fall of Nazi Germany. To anybody with a brain, the Nazis were all about evil, but there were still people willing to be apologists for them. While what Tressel was doing hardly qualifies on the same level of evil, but being a apologist for him is just as misguided. Yet, it keeps happening, and worse yet, it is being done by people who really ought to know better.

First, there are the alums.

“Shawn Murnahan, president of the Atlanta Alumni Club, said he was surprised at the allegations against Tressel because the coach “seemed to be a good representative of the university. … I think the most thoughtful fans of Ohio State either believe the error in judgment was an anomaly and he was going down for the only mistake he made of that sort, or you think that he was more of your standard, win-at-all-cost coach than we all believed. It makes me very sad.”

Murnahan isn’t the only one.

Barbara Smith, president of the Alumni Club of Franklin County, where Columbus, Ohio is located, felt Tressel “got the raw end of the deal.” She said conversations at her club, where she said two-time OSU Heisman Trophy winner Archie Griffin is a member, included mainly comments like, “Isn’t it a shame what’s happening to Tressel? Isn’t it a shame what the media is doing to Tressel?”

She placed more of the blame on players who allegedly took impermissible benefits at a tattoo parlor in exchange for memorabilia and awards instead of Tressel, who did not report the violations when he was made aware of them, thus keeping the players eligible for the 2010 season. Asked who was at fault, Smith said, “It’s the students. They are the ones who made the decision. They know what the rules are.”

She thinks Tressel tried “to protect his kids.”

But the crowning glory in all of this are the words coming from famed golfer and Ohio State legend Jack Nicklaus.

Speaking as he annually does before the Memorial, the tournament he hosts at Muirfield Village in Dublin, Ohio, Nicklaus said he feels “very bad for Jim. He’s a nice man. I’ve said many times that if I had a boy at this age who wanted to play football, my grandson Nick up here was recruited by Florida State now, thankfully, but I would love to see him play for Jim Tressel. He’s a good man.”

Nicklaus defended some of Tressel’s actions, but said the cover-up was what got him in trouble.

“Well, my take on it is that it was no different than a father trying to protect his son, and if I had one of my kids that did what I thought was a fairly insignificant thing, I’d probably say, you know, Hey, we’re not going to worry too much about that. We’re going to try to just forget that.

“Well, obviously the cover‑up was far worse than the act. And once you got the cover‑up, it became a situation where Jim had to say some things that turned out to be that weren’t exactly truthful. And so that’s where he got himself in trouble.

“I think unfortunately it’s a situation they got caught in, and that’s where they are. What’s going to happen, I don’t know beyond this point. The NCAA, it’s more in their hands. … Once one of these things happens, by the time they get through digging they’re going to find whether somebody had a hangnail someplace or not, whether somebody replaced it improperly.”

Nicklaus also pointed a finger at the NCAA for perhaps being too harsh for something as insignificant as players wanting to get tattoos and using their own merchandise to purchase them.

“How could you possibly control what some kids do? It was a fairly innocent act. You want to get a tattoo? You’re going to get a tattoo. Is that a big deal? Maybe to those kids it was. Maybe it’s the NCAA’s fault. Maybe the only way to pay for those tattoos was to do what they did. Is that a big deal? Probably not. It was theirs.”

This isn’t the first time Nicklaus has supported Tressel. He did so a month ago when he claimed that Tressel wasn’t alone in his indiscretions and that his bosses Gene Smith and E. Gordon Gee had to know about them as well.

I love that defense…the old “everybody else was doing it.” That never worked with my father when I was six, so why the hell should I buy it for a football coach in his fifties?

Jack, you really have to be careful about saying things like this in public. Perhaps to you, they don’t sound as dumb as they really are when they come out of your mouth, but once they see the light of day, they get exposed for being what they are.

The fundamental problem is that Tressel is not a “good man.” This is a guy who led an enterprise based on skirting the rules for years; this isn’t a guy who made a one-time bad decision.  Worse yet, he made it point to cover up the illicit behavior for years. That’s not a “good man;” that’s a guy who embraced breaking the rules, defended it, concealed it, and let it affect many others around him for his own benefit.

It works like this. The only reason Hitler made the trains run on time was to feed the Nazi war machine. The only reason people think Tressel is a “good man” is because they still want to buy his deception. While the trains in Germany did run on time, it’s funny how people who mention that never seem to bring up the other side of the story. A efficient rail schedule neither hides or justifies wrong-doing any better than a sweatervest and a tie.

File Dump: The Jim Tressel Edition

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of our File Dump…in short, we here at Dubsism believe that when we have just too many good jokes about somebody that we haven’t gotten around to using, and then their career is over, we just can’t let all those good shots go to waste. Since today was clearly not a beautiful day  day in Mr. Tressel’s neighborhood, we bring your our farewell homage to Cheatypants McSweatervest.

Of, course, we never really knew what to do with the “Mr. Rogers” gag, since most Ohio State fans seem to be not allowed near children after they meet Chris Hansen from Dateline.

As disgusting as that may be, there are other heinous ways to abuse the children of Ohio.

But, at the end of the day, it was simply the act of being dishonest that got Tressel into trouble. So many people, Tressel included,  should have learned by now that the cover-up is always worse than the crime.

Somehow, this whole mess all started with tattoos.

Then came the signings and the endorsements…These guys would sign any memorabilia, even prosthetic limbs.

Then it got ridiculous…Tressel started going  all “Ricky Bobby.”

After a while, Tressel became the “Opulence…I has it” guy.

But like all good things, the salad days in Columbus had to end…we just never saw the “South Park” thing coming. OMIGOD, THEY KILLED JIMMY!!!

Just remember one thing, Jimmy. Lying can be considered a “failure to communicate.”

The 10 Dirtiest College Programs Plus The Ones Of Which I’m Most Suspicious

Let’s face it,  college programs cheat. There’s an old saying in college sports, “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.” Recently, we here at Dubsism hung a tag of “dirty program” on Auburn, but to be fair, they are far from the only one. Hell, they probably are all dirty; just because your school may not have been caught lately just means they are more discreet.

Plus, let’s be honest…getting away with it is a hell of a lot easier for some schools than others. If you doubt that, all you have to do is look at the NCAA’s precedent of deferring punishment for for moneymakers during money-making season; of course this refers to the bullshit punishments postponed until next season for Jim Tressel and Jim Calhoun. Plus, if you look at the following list, you’re going to notice a distinct lack of the real power-players in college sports.

10) Wisconsin Basketball and Football — Major Infractions: 7  Just months after its basketball program reached the Final Four in 2000, the Wisconsin athletic department imploded when 26 football players were suspended prior to the season opener after the NCAA uncovered that members of the Badgers’ football and basketball teams were given special credit arrangements at a shoe store (this “free shoes” tactic will appear again on this list). The Badgers were handed five years of probation, including the loss of scholarships in both football and basketball.

9) Memphis Basketball Major Infractions:7  The  program at Memphis has has two trips into the NCAA doghouse. The Final Four run in 1985 dissolved the following year when head coach Dana Kirk was fired after the NCAA uncovered recruiting violations and vacated the appearance.  Then came John  Calipari,  who had the Tigers positioned to win the national title, but that later evaporated when Memphis got hit with three years of probation for Derrick Rose’s fraudulent SAT score and the $1,700 in free travel and lodging provided to his brother. Before penalties were levied, Calipari slithered off to Kentucky, which could soon find its way onto this list as the athletic program has six major infractions and the basketball program narrowly escaped the death penalty in 1989.

8 ) Florida State — Major Infractions: 7 Former Florida Gator coach Steve Spurrier once referred to FSU as “Free Shoes University,” which was really a reference to a 1993 scandal in which nine Florida State players went on an agent-funded shopping spree at Foot Locker. Then, in 1999 during a national championship run, Peter Warrick and Laveranues Coles were charged with felony grand theft for receiving $412.38-worth of clothes.

And in the sweetest moment ever, in 2009 Bobby “The Anti-Christ” Bowden was forced to vacate 12 victories because of an academic cheating scandal that also involved the men’s and women’s basketball, baseball, softball and men’s track and field programs. This not only is the best example of a program so corrupted it even torched the sports nobody cares about (a 2007 men’s track national championship was vacated), but these vacated wins meant Bowden would never  catch Joe Paterno as the FBS’s all-time winningest coach.

7) Wichita State Baseball and Basketball — Major Infractions: 7 Wichita State’s baseball and basketball programs have flourished, largely because they can cheat with the big boys. The baseball program has been one of the most successful in recent history, winning the 1989 College World Series and finishing second in 1982, 1991, and 1993. The basketball program reached the Final Four in 1965, Elite Eight in 1981 and Sweet Sixteen in 2006. Of the seven infractions, mentioned here, my favorite involved the basketball team getting punted out of any tournaments after the Elite Eight run in 1981. Seems that the following year, WSU got caught handing out cash payments and and freebie airline tickets. The best part, at the time the penalties were imposed, Wichita State led the NCAA in major infractions. Suck on that, big boys.

6) Oklahoma Football — Major Infractions:7  If you have a program on probation, and you would like to see it stay that way, just hire Barry Switzer.  Oklahoma forfeited nine games from the 1972 season because of violations that resulted from the alteration of players’ transcripts; and when Switzer left in 1988, the program was again on probation. Hard to imagine how one gets the the tag of “outlaw program,” considering there was the probation, oh, and a stretch in which there was a shooting and rape in athletic dorm, one player attempted to sell drugs to undercover agent, and another even player robbed Switzer’s home.  In his defense, he likely robbed his own coach because he wasn’t in on the gravy train resulting from being paid by personal checks from Switzer, the scalping of  game tickets, getting free airline tickets, or the usual money-pump stemming from the usual bidding wars during recruitment.

BONUS – Oklahoma basketball, brought to you by the scumbag formerly known as Kelvin Sampson. Kelvin Sampson, the same guy who later crippled the Indiana basketball program due to unethical recruiting practices, made 550 illegal calls to 17 different recruits, and that’s only what they could prove…but then again, cash is always hard to trace.

5) Texas A&M Football — Major Infractions: 7 They really should name an award for corruption after the old Southwest Conference. Between just SMU and Texas A&M, the SWC could have been the most corrupt entity in the history of college sports.  Cheating was compulsory in the SWC during the 1980s; the theory was if you weren’t cheating, you didn’t matter. Hence, this is the reason why the Jackie Sherrill era in College Station was quite successful. It’s also no coincidence the Sherrill era ended in 1988 when Sherrill resigned after the NCAA discovered that assistant coaches and boosters were providing improper benefits to recruits — one was given a sports car and another’s father was offered medical treatment. When a booster was found paying players for “do-nothing” jobs in 1994, A&M was considered for the “Death Penalty” as well.

4 ) Auburn Football — Major Infractions: 7  At least for now, because this doesn’t even include whatever may stem from the Cam Newton situation. Nonetheless, Auburn has a reputation for “kicking one on to the fairway” with not such infrequent occasion. The best was in 1991, when 60 Minutes aired recordings of head football coach Pat Dye arranging a loan for a player. That bought Auburn two-year bowl ban, one-year television-free,  and the loss of 13 scholarships over a four-year period.

3) Minnesota Basketball — Major Infractions: 7 This is what happens when your whole program hinges on a low-level clerical worker who decides she wants more money to do everybody’s homework, and you piss her off. For Gopher basketball fans, the name Jan Gangelhoff is forever tied to that of Coach Clem Haskins. Haskins literally had the majority of his career scratched from the books because he thought his players didn’t need to hit theirs.  During his stint as Minnesota’s head basketball coach, Clem Haskins oversaw runs to the Elite Eight, Final Four and an NIT Championship. Today, however, only the Elite Eight appearance remains in the NCAA record books, as everything Haskins accomplished from 1993-1994 forward was vacated.

See, the problem is that prior to the Golden Gophers’ appearance in the 1999 NCAA tournament, Gangelhoff ratted out everybody. She sang a song about writing more than 400 papers for numerous basketball players over several years. That proved to be just the tip of the iceberg, Haskins was accused of paying players, persuading professors to inflate players’ grades and ignoring sexual harassment concerns. The NCAA administered massive sanctions, notably docking five scholarships over three seasons and instituting recruiting limitations. The entire athletic department suffered, as the Athletic Director, Associate Athletic Director, Vice President for Student Development and Athletics, and the Academic Counselor were all forced to resign due to the scandal.

The moral of the story – if you are going to cheat, PAY THE HELP! No wonder Gangelhoff rolled over on the whole scheme – for writing over 400 papers, she was paid the heft sum of $3,000 for her work.

2) SMU Football— Major Infractions: 8  Two words – Death Penalty. This is why SMU football is still the poster child for corruption in college sports.  You just can’t have a secret fund to pay players; from 1974 to 1985, the school was penalized on five separate occasions. Because SMU was under such intense scrutiny from the NCAA, the powers that be had little choice but to levy the harshest penalty. As a result, the entire 1987 season was canceled, SMU was forced to cancel the 1988 season, 55 scholarships were smoked and the team was permitted to hire just five full-time assistant coaches instead of the regular nine.

1) Arizona State Baseball— Major Infractions: 9.  The classic example of the NCAA flexing its muscle on a program that largely doesn’t matter because it isn’t a huge revenue generator. Arizona State is primarily known for its baseball program, which has won five national championships and produced legends such as Reggie Jackson and fittingly, Barry Bonds. Last December, it was penalized for major secondary violations, resulting in three years probation and a one-year ban from the NCAA post-season. The NCAA Division I Committee on Infractions cited the athletic program for improperly recruiting one player and giving improper benefits to several others. In 2005, ASU was given two years probation for a “lack of institutional control” (Have you read that phrase enough in this piece?) and giving illegal financial aid.

Remember the aforementioned “lack of power player?” It’s that lack that makes me cast an eye at the following; if for no other reason that the “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying” rule.

Ohio State – The crap-storm now surrounding the football program and head coach Cheatypants McSweatervest doesn’t surprise me, in fact it validates a long-held belief of mine that Ohio States’ success in so many sports had to be coming at the expense of the NCAA rule book. See the Florida State Entry. Not to mention, guys like Maurice Clarett should be a warning sign.

Duke – I don’t care how much hate mail I get for this, but I’m convinced Mike Krzyzewski is like the church minister who secretly like little boys. He’s got all the respect of the people who could out him, but none of them do because, after all, he is the minister. Besides, he’s also that hypocritical asshole who preaches about character and discipline, then stomps around on the sideline like the biggest petulant shithead out there. Face it, how the hell else does this school now attract the “one and done” talent they now bitch about?

Alabama – I think the following picture speaks for itself.

USC – What’s happening now is just for openers. I would bet money there are skeletons in the Trojan closet we may never know about.

The Top 10 Football Factories – And Some That Didn’t Make The List

With the NFL Draft looming, I found a list courtesy of the NFL Network featuring the schools consider to be the Top Ten Football Factories. We here at Dubsism took that list and crossed it against each schools three arguably most interesting players. Be mindful of the fact this list was devised and ordered by the NFL Network and not us, which is why before you write us nasty letters about it, wait for our comments at the end so you can be REALLY pissed when you comment.

10) Tennessee

Their  Top Three – Peyton Manning, Reggie White, Doug Atkins

Those are three top-flight hall-of-famers, and that’s only part of the reason why Tennessee belongs on this list. In terms of college football, Tennessee has a long history; the Volunteers were the power of the SEC before Bear Bryant and Alabama. Of course, recent history hasn’t been kind to the Vols, and that’s just fine with me, since Tenneesee still grinds my gears.

9) The Mid-America Conference (MAC)

Their Top Three – Jack Lambert, Ben Roethlisberger, Randy Moss

Honestly, this entry caused the most discussion amongst the staff here at Dubsism; at least no punches were thrown this time, but suffice it to say there are several staffers here who fervently believe it is wrong to include an entire conference. In defense of the MAC, that’s a pretty solid Top Three as compared to some of the others on this list. I would like to believe the MAC is here to represent the contributions of all small schools, but more importantly, look at what those three represent – a toothless psychopath, a multi-ringed “may-be” rapist, and complete douchebag.

8 ) Syracuse

Their Top Three – Jim Brown, John Mackey, Donovan McNabb

This is just the saddest story on this list; the classic case of how the mighty have fallen. In my lifetime, I’ve watched the Orange go from the pride of eastern football to a team that can barely stay afloat in the weakest big conference in football. I blame it all on Dick MacPherson, their Hall-of-Fame coach who steadily built the Orangemen into an Eastern football power. One of SU’s most stunning wins during MacPherson’s tenure came in 1984 when the Orangemen upset then No. 1 Nebraska, 17-9. MacPherson later bolted from the Orange, trying to parlay his success in college into a career in the NFL, but his two years stint with the New England Patriots..well, let’s just say calling it an “abject failure” is being kind. Sadly, the Orange have been rancid ever since.

7) Penn State

Their Top Three – Jack Ham, Lenny Moore, John Cappelletti

This is another case of a school getting its coach hired away by the New England Patriots. Back in 1972, the Patriots offered Joe Paterno a contract which have made him football’s first million-dollar coach, a contract which JoePa accepted. However, his tenure as an NFL coach lasted less than 12 hours; the morning after signing the deal, Paterno called the Patriots to tell them the deal was off. Had Paterno left, it is a certainty the Nittany Lions would have languished at the bottom of college football for decades; just look at what happened to Syracuse. Hell, it could have been worse, look at what happened to SMU when Ron Meyer left for New England.

6) Alabama

Their Top Three – Joe Namath, John Hannah, Derrick Thomas

Given their history, there is not anybody young or old who didn’t picture this team on this list. And why not? Alabama has always paid as well, if not better than any NFL franchise.

5) Michigan

Their Top Three – Dan Dierdorf, Tom Brady, President Gerald Ford

There’s only three other schools that have produced both a Super Bowl winning quarterback and a U.S. President – Navy (Roger Staubach/Jimmy Carter), Stanford (John Elway & Jim Plunkett/Herbert Hoover), and Miami of Ohio (Ben Roethislberger/Benjamin Harrison), but Michigan is the only one whose quarterback has won the Super Bowl three times (Tom Brady) and whose President was also an All-American offensive lineman. Despite that, Michigan also grinds my gears.

It saya a lot about Michigan when their alums appear on TV wearing Penn State gear.

4) Ohio State

Their Top Three – Jim Parker, Paul Warfield, Cris Carter

Another school with long history, and a new problem. Nobody can deny Ohio State has pumped hundreds of players into the NFL, but given the stuff swirling around the football program these days, one starts wondering how many hundreds are going to be pumped into the pockets of defense attorneys and bail bondsmen in the near future.  Given that, it shouldn’t shock anybody the effect Ohio State has on my gears.

3) Notre Dame

Their Top Three – Joe Montana, Paul Hornung, Alan Page

It is about time law enforcment looked into the Irish problem.

Now, Notre Dame is a team that produces more corpses with scissor-lifts and sexual assault reports than it does NFL talent, but let’s not forget this list is historically  all-inclusive.  The way things look in south Bend now, it is feasible the Fighting Irish could be moving down this list over time; Notre Dame doesn’t look to be a top-flight program anytime soon.

2) Miami, FL

Their Top Three – Jim Kelly, Ray Lewis, Michael Irvin

If Notre Dame represents the oldest of history, Miami is the other side of the college football coin; the Hurricanes were hardly a breeze until the 1980’s. But in that time they have produced an astonishing amount of talent. But they also spent most of the 80’s being completely hateable, leading to one of my favorite moments in all of college football – Pete Giftopoulous’ interception at the end of the 4th quarter of the 1987 Fiesta Bowl, giving Penn State the national championship over Miami.

1) Southern Cal

Their Top Three – Ronnie Lott, Bruce Matthews, O.J. Simpson

In most cities with multiple professional sports franchises, there’s a “pecking order” in terms who gets fan support no matter what; the team which is always in the spotlight.  In New York, the top of the food chain is inhabited by the Yankees and the Knicks. In Chicago, that honor belongs to the Cubs and the Bears. In Los Angeles, its the Lakers and USC. Make no mistake, the Trojans are every bit a professional franchise; they’ve got the NCAA sanctions to prove it. Long before that, there’s reason I called them them U$¢ (The University of Dollars and Cents).

The thing that really struck the staff here at Dubsism was not the teams on the list (other than that whole MAC thing), but some of the teams not on it.

Texas – Their Top Three – Earl Campbell, Bobby Layne, Tommy Nobis

Their exclusion has to be because for close to 25 years after the Darrell Royal era, for the most part Texas became an afterthought on the national landscape.

OklahomaTheir Top Three – Lee Roy Selmon, Billy Sims, Tommy McDonald

The Sooners got left off the list for two words – Brian Bosworth.

PurdueTheir Top Three – Len Dawson, Bob Griese, Drew Brees

Ok, I know this one is a stretch, but I would put West Lafayette Vo-Tech Purdue on the list over an entire conference just on quarterbacks alone. Alabama is the only other school that has produced three Super Bowl winning quarterbacks (Bart Starr, Joe Namath, Ken Stabler) and the three produced by Purdue are to a man better quarterbacks than the three coming from the Tide. Then there’s all the other legit NFL quarterbacks this school has produced other than the ones already mentioned –  Gary Danielson, Bob DeMoss, Jim Everett, Jeff George (transferred/got kicked out to Illinois), Mark Herrmann, Mike Phipps, and the Greatest Athlete in the History of Ever, Kyle Orton.

GramblingTheir Top Three – Everson Walls, Doug Williams, Charlie Joiner

Eddie Robinson produced so much NFL talent – a list of the players he prepared for NFL success reads like a list of guys you forgot about, but when you read the list, its a never-ending parade of “how the hell did I forget that guy!” Look past the three we already mentioned – there’s still Buck Buchanan, Ernie “Big Cat” Ladd, Sammy White, Trumaine Johnson, James Harris, Willie Brown, Willie Davis, “Tank” Younger, and 1976 Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner.

Trash-Talking the Sweet Sixteen

Now that  my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, and now that my teams are out, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a profanity-filled triade about shit I don’t like. And since I can’t like this tournament anymore…

VCU:

Know what a “VCU” is? Fifteen years ago, it was that machine my post-stroke grandmother thought played movies, but instead constantly blinked “12:00,” as if it were mocking her inability to drool out “VCR.”Worse yet, if you make the mistake of asking anybody at VCU what that acronym actually means, you will get a 25-minute lecture on how the “C” stands for “Commonwealth,” because Virginia is technically a “commonwealth” and not a “state.” Of course, the people who say that are simply trying to pretend they don’t go a state school that by law has to admit every resident mouth-breather who can drop a Skoal-loogie on the correct spot on the application.

Wrong one...you're thinking of Virginia TECH.

Richmond:

Here’s a fun, yet useless fact I’ve been hearing all week: there are as many schools from Richmond, VA in the tournament as there are from the whole Big East (2). Here’s a more accurate statement. There are as many teams from Richmond that anybody gives a shit about as there are from the whole Big East (0).

Ooooh, spiders...I'm soooo scared.

Besides, how can anybody have any respect for a team whose mascot John Goodman knew how to eliminate 20 years ago?

Butler:

Thanks to the movie “Hoosiers,” Larry Fucking Bird, and now you assholes, everybody thinks any little piss-ant school from Indiana means something when it comes to basketball. Let’s do a rundown of the D-I basketball schools from Hoosierland and you tell me which ones matter.

  • Butler – A private, liberal arts college which is best-known for its dance program. This means there are two types of Butler students: meth heads whose daddies have too much money for Indiana State, and Daddy’s Little Fruitcup who will spend four years auditioning for “So You Think You Can Dance?”
  • Indiana – The school that brought you both the burly,  masculine assholery of Bobby Knight and the sheer once-a-month-crampy bitchiness of Myles Brand.  Once a proud program, but hasn’t been relevant in nearly a decade.
  • Purdue – Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, was a Purdue alum. This shows how far people will go to get the fuck out of West Lafayette.
  • Notre Dame – A great school with a great tradition, especially if you want to be gang-raped by drunken football players or sent careening to your death off a 70-foot scissor lift. If you happen to get gang-raped while falling off a scissor-lift, you will be honored by having your name etched on one of the mosaic tiles that forms “Touchdown Jesus'” ball-sack.
  • Indiana State – Located in beautiful Terre Haute, ISU competes for local talent along with two prisons and a mental institution. This is precisely why if you want to major in schizophrenia, meth production, or pumping out bastard children, ISU is for you.
  • Ball State – Too easy…Insert your own joke here. Better make sure those jokes are funny, because this walk-in VD clinic school has produced such comedy titans as Jim Davis, Joyce DeWitt, and David Letterman (who was funny once, but not since the Civil War).
  • Evansville – Another small liberal arts college; this one is known for its physical therapy and theatre departments. So, when the therapist who is helpinbg you after your stroke insists on putting his thumb in your ass, chances are he went to Evansville.
  • Valparaiso – Not even people who live in Valparaiso can tell you where the hell the campus is, and they sure as hell can’t tell you why it even exists.

Connecticut:

Can somebody explain to me why people in this town think women’s basketball is such a great thing? Between these assholes and those shit-eating, inbred, hillbillies in Knoxville who think Pat Summitt is actually a woman, they have convinced a disturbingly large enough segment of the sports-watching population that womens’ basketball ISN’T a bunch of six-and-a-half foot tall lesbians who can’t play basketball while looking like a boys’ high-school team somebody cut the nuts off of five years ago.

Wisconsin:

Do you know why Wisconsin is home to so many  great serial killers? Because somehow Wisconsinites have taken two great things like sports and booze and managed to completely fuck them up. As far as the University of Wisconsin is concerned, the sport they really are the best at is hockey, which is why they play every other sport like the are on the ice. Badger football is like an old-school NHL game; they get a big offensive line and just beat you into the boards for sixty minutes, Bucky hoop is like watching that adapted version of floor hockey they let the retarded kids play; lots of passes so bad they look like shots, and shots so bad they look like passes. Even the girls teams only change their pads every three periods.

Worse yet is their coach, Bo Ryan. Now that Bruce Pearl is toast at Tennessee, Ryan is the only guy left who makes it a point to color coordinate his blazers in some awful school color. This is a fact only made worse by his extreme resemblance to a modern-art nightmare.

BYU:

You know what the worst part of this college basketball season was? It wasn’t the fact that somehow you turned some nearly-albino virgin kid into the biggest white-guy basketball sensation outside of Duke. It was the fact that I had to defend your silly-ass honor code. I don’t have a beef with your having an honor code. I don’t even have a beef with you kicking that kid off the team over violating it. He knew the drill when he signed up, nobody put a gun to his head when he made the commitment to follow it, and nobody forced him to stick his dick in his girlfriend and screw his teammates by breaking the commitment he voluntarily made.

But what pisses me off to no end is the fact that you as a university made it a point to run out in front of the press and shout this story from the mountain top.  You didn’t have to tell the whole world the story; there’s some real honor in keeping “family business” inside the family. Instead, you decided you needed to show the whole world how honorable you are through humiliating this kid needlessly by putting his business in the street, and for that I offer you my heartiest of FUCK YOUs.

Marquette:

This place ought to be renamed The University of Gutless.  Marquette’s basketball team used to be known as the Warriors, until every member of their board of trustees grew multiple vaginas and decided AGAINST the will of the student body and the alumni that the nickname was “insensitive to Native Americans.” Of course, this completely ignores the fact that a “warrior” is defined as a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate combatant class. There’s a whole range of cultures to which that applies, ranging from the Bushido Samurai to the Spartans. Yet, the pointy-heads at Marquette decided it could only apply to those who when they cash their government checks get blind-drunk on the “firewater,” then build casinos.

This begs another important question. Since when does the Catholic Church give a flying fuck about political correctness? Don’t forget that Marquette is a Jesuit school, and the Jesuits aren’t just garden-variety papists; they are the Waffen-SS of Catholicism. They can show up in any diocese and do whatever the fuck they want, and the local bishop can’t say shit to them. In other words, these aren’t exactly the guys who cower at a bunch of soccer moms who think “we might be being mean to the Indians.”

If that weren’t enough, the Catholic Church as a whole isn’t exactly the “canary in the coal mine” when it comes to being sensitive to public opinion.  In fact, their only recent change on the position of contraception is it is acceptable to use a condom only when the altar boy has diarrhea.

Florida State:

Dear ACC,

You should be fucking embarrassed that a low-rent school like this represents your sorry-ass conference. With all the blather you spew about what  “hallowed” basketball institutions other members like Duke and North Carolina are, you have the unmitigated gall to subject us to the likes of the Seminoles. What can you say about Florida State that can’t be summed up in the phrase “FSU: The strip mall of universities.”

Florida:

If it weren’t for Florida State, Florida would be the Sunshine State’s’ supposedly “academic” collection Kool-Aid and cheap vodka drinkers, jean-short wearers, and hillbilly rapists.  If you’ve ever been to UF, then you know exactly what the statement “It took Tallahassee to make Gainesville look good” means.

Kansas:

I used to have nothing good to say about Kansas until I read that one of their state legislators actually proposed controlling the illegal immigrant population in the same manner they use for feral hogs; picking them off with rifles from helicopters. Once you get past the monstrous racism in that comment, you are struck with the realization that even its crushing stupidity, this represents a “man landing on the moon” advance in Kansan-type thinking. The only thing that is funnier is the people who think this guy gives Kansans a bad name; like they didn’t already have one.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure Bill Self molests collies.

Ohio State:

Even though he was  a football guy, nobody was a more loyal Buckeye than Kirk Herbstreit, and even he was giving double-birds out the window on his way out the the shit-hole formerly known as Columbus.  In other words, even he had to split town because he only fellated the statue of Woody Hayes once a day rather than the expected thrice. This is exactly the problem with Buckeye fans; they have so little else that unless you swear your undying devotion and back it up on an hourly basis, they declare you a heretic and kill your house pets. In all honesty, the best description I’ve ever read about Ohio came from the good people at Deadspin:

“We make fun of Ohio here at Deadspin an awful lot, and with good reason. If you placed an electrified cupcake in the center of the state, half the population would be dead by morning. And the other half would be asking for extra sprinkles.”

What else can you say? These are the people who expect perfection while investing only idiocy; the kind of people who try to “return” foster children after they’ve raped them. Buckeye fans belong in that same circle of hell reserved for pederasts, people who run scams on the elderly, and deadbeat fathers.

Kentucky:

This was a "high-water mark" in the history of Kentucky cleverness.

Kentucky tears me. On the one hand, I believe Kentucky bourbon is the definition of “manna from heaven;” single drinking-handedly I’m probably 40% of the economy of the Bluegrass State. If you ever see me on one of those “Intervention” shows, dump your stock in Jim Beam.  Don’t wait to call your stock broker in the morning, break into his house that night and get your money the fuck out NOW. But on the other hand, when it comes to basketball, these people still revere that racist asshole Adolph Rupp. They ran Tubby Smith out of town for no real reason, and brought in a snail-trail-leaver like John Calipari. The person who roots for Kentucky basketball also likely roots for the New York Yankees, the bad guys from the “Karate Kid,” and Moammar Khadafy.

North Carolina:

Once again, I will quote the good people at Deadspin since I can’t improve on the accuracy of their assesment.

No school has benefited more from having an archrival who happens to be even more haughty and douchetastic. I’m onto you, Tarheels. You think just because you hate Duke that you can sneak by without anyone hating your fucking guts. But you are WRONG. But the truth is that, if Duke didn’t exist, YOU would be Duke. You’d be the most hated program in the country, what with your gross sense of entitlement and Dickie V lapping up Roy Williams’ seminal fluid like it’s cereal milk. You people owe Duke a steak dinner for covering up so much of what makes you despicable.

FACT: Every three seconds, a person in the North Carolina wilderness is being raped. I drove through the state once, and you see the forests on the side of the road and you just know, twenty feet in, someone has a penis inside them that they don’t want inside them. North Carolina is also the only state where it’s legal to rape someone and fish at the same time.

Duke:

At once, I agree with the above statement about North Carolina and yet need to infuse it with my own hatred of Duke.  Oh, Duke, how do I hate thee; let me count the ways. Here’s two good ones.

  • Mike Krzyzewski himself. I get that he is a disciple of Bobby Knight, but there is a major difference. It is one thing to be an asshole; it is an entirely other thing to spend thirty years hiding you are an asshole.
  • Duke pretends it is a great place to send your sheltered, privileged kids all while it is located in an exceptionally dangerous neighborhood.

San Diego State:

San Diego is a wonderful town, but there are two things about it you cant trust: mid-westerners who move to southern California thinking it is a panacea, and any of its sports teams. The common problem is the beach…there is no such thing as a town that has both a fierce sporting tradition and a desirable beach. The only exceptions are the Miami Dolphins of the early 70’s and the Los Angeles Lakers of forever, both of whom are/were supported largely by transplants from other locales who are old enough to where beaches just present a source of irritating sand in various artificial joints and/or ostomy ports.

As far as the midwesterners who make the “fantasy” move, I have far too many examples in my personal life from which to make examples, but all of them sound pretty much the same. The problem is that almost all of them will bitch if they think I’m talking about them, when in reality I don’t give a frog’s watertight ass about them, other than their stories are at the same time predictable and hilarious. These are almost like those “novels” you read as a kid that allowed you to pick your own ending, the trouble the story is fucked up to begin with. For example:

  • Boy meets girl in (insert midwestern state here)
  • Boy and girl decide for what ever reason to move to SoCal
  • The plan works for one and not the other
  • If the plan works for the boy, skip to page 32
  • If the plan works for the girl, skip to page 48

PAGE 32:

Boy somehow becomes successful and realizes he has an opportunity to trade up from midwestern girlfriend. He does so, and midwestern girlfriend goes back to (insert midwestern state here), gets some job that pays by the hour and eats her way into a subscription from the Lane Bryant catalog.

PAGE 48:

Girl falls into a pattern that starts with “look at how cool I am because I live in California” and ends with “I will out spend anybody to maintain my ‘look at how cool I am’ mindset.” Despite what she earns, she outspends it several-fold, until the boyfriend says ‘no mas’ and pulls the rip-cord. He heads back to (insert midwestern state here), while she now invests in a string of “relationships” all of which are designed to continue the life-style choices she has made.

PAGE END:

None of these douche-hammers give a shit about sports, which is why San Diego gets no fans for anything.

Famous Sports Rivalries In Which I Hate Both Sides

The sporting world is full of rivalries which engender so much passion there are clear battle lines drawn between the camps. But what happens to those of us who may feel animus toward both sides? Here’s a list of several such examples that make the collective colon here at Dubsism slam shut like a steel bear trap.

12 ) Chicago Cubs vs. Chicago White Sox

It is almost impossible to find two teams that exemplify their shit-hole of a city more. Where better to put the two retarded little brothers of baseball who while steeped in history have accounted for one championship in 90 years than in one of the largest cities in the world that matters the least to anybody?

11) LeBron James vs. the City of Cleveland

Sometimes, you really have to wonder if we have completely succeeded in this country in growing a generation of complete morons we’ve put on pedestals. Nobody in the world would have blamed LeBron James for leaving Cleveland; nobody wants to be in Cleveland.  It’s little more than a “Mini-Me” to Chicago; a rust-belt, blue-collar city that nobody wants to be in; Cleveland’s population has been dropping steadily for 80 years. All he had to do was not be a douche-bag about it.  It really leaves you in a situation where you can’t figure out who is dumber, LeBron for screwing up a move millions of Clevelanders have made themselves or those same Clevelanders for managing collectively to sound like a bitter ex-wife.

10) Montreal Canadiens vs. Toronto Maple Leafs

Hate is actually too strong a term for this. The problem is the “Rhett Butler” approach is too weak, but it is closer to accurate.  Let’s face it;  I don’t really give a damn. I spent big chunks of my childhood in Southern California, which isn’t exactly where you develop strong feelings about Canadian hockey teams, and even though I loved the old-school Los Angeles Kings (seriously, we are talking about the pre-Gretzky Kings with the purple and gold uniforms that clothed an NHL retirement home; the Kings of my childhood featured such past-their-prime legends like Butch Goring and Marcel Dionne), you couldn’t watch the 12-team NHL of the 1970’s without knowing these two teams hated each other.  All I cared about in those days is that both of these teams arrived at the L.A. Forum with a boatload of Canadians who weren’t past their prime and put as ass-whipping on the Kings.  Even to this day, all I can say is “screw both of them; Canada sucks.”

9) Manchester United vs. Manchester City

For those of you not familiar with the English Premier League, picture this rivalry with the Red Devils of Manchester United as the New York Yankees with Manchester City as the old Brooklyn Dodgers. You perhaps didn’t really like the Dodgers, but they made a perfect underdog foil to those goddamn Yankees. But then the Dodgers went Hollywood, started winning and blew their lovability in the process, much like the Los Angeles Dodgers. 15 years ago, Man City was lovable in their feebleness, but then new ownership pumped that team full of money, and now they are every bit as douche-tastic as their cross-town rivals.

8 ) Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins

As a Philadelphia Eagle fan, this one is really a no-brainer. There’s an old saying that culture in an organization comes from the top down, and Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder are a marvelous reflection of that. While we here at Dubsism have postulated that Al Davis makes the Oakland Raiders the “North Korea of the NFL,” Jones and Snyder are both in line to ascend to the NFL’s “Crazy Old Man Owner” throne. Thankfully, their leadership (or lack thereof) has made these two franchises combine for a grand total of three playoff wins in the past 15 years.

7) Oklahoma Sooners vs. Texas Longhorns

Our Proposed Logo for the "Red River Rivalry"

The way these two preen over that silly Saturday in October…well, it really is sad to think either of these two believe anybody gives a shit about them or their “make-believe” rivalry.  It’s really sad that a couple of goofy-ass schools like Nebraska and Colorado are the ones who figured out the Big 12 is a repository for football nobody cares about.

6) Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings vs. Chicago Bears

This is much like the “love triangle” situation outline in the 1980 J. Geils’ Band hit “Love Stinks.” The Vikings think the Packers are their main rival, The Packers think the Bears are their main rival, and neither the Packers or the Bears even know who the Vikings are.

5) Arsenal vs. Chelsea

More from the English Premier League, so I will make another baseball reference…Earlier I compared Manchester United to the Yankees. Continuing on this theme, Arsenal would be the Red Sox and Chelsea would be the Mets, only if the Mets didn’t suck. They are two of the biggest clubs in the league, and they can buy pretty much any player they want. Whenever these two get together, it is an exercise in dysfunction that somehow manages to be successful, like a photo negative of the Dallas Cowboys.

4) Auburn vs. Alabama

When these two compete in the annual “Iron Bowl,” they are battling for the bragging right for the entire state of Alabama. This is like two bums fighting over the least piss-stained raincoat at Goodwill. Do you know what the best thing that ever came out of the state of Alabama was? An empty bus.  Alabama is just a collection of bimbos whose boyfriends still think Bear Bryant is alive, and Auburn thinks it is a real university.

3) Duke vs. North Carolina

What can we say about Duke that we haven’t said before? No matter their record, no matter their talent, no matter anything, Duke sucks.  As much as we have beat on Mike Krzyzewski for being a pompous ass-hat, North Carolina’s Roy Williams is in the same league, and not just figuratively. My favorite was last spring when Williams compared having a losing ACC record to the earthquake in Haiti.

“Our massage therapist told me, ‘You know, coach, what happened in Haiti is a catastrophe. What you’re having is a disappointment,’ ” said Williams. “I told her that depends on what chair you’re sitting in. It does feel like a catastrophe to me, because it is my life.”

I’m not sure what the state of North Carolina did to deserve such a pair of pure, uncut assholes, but better them than the rest of us.

2) Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees

The Yankees – Red Sox rivalry is one of the oldest, most famous and fiercest rivalries in North American professional sports.  For over 100 years, Major League Baseball’s Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees of the American League have been intense rivals.  For nearly as long, fans of both teams have thoroughly annoyed the living shit out of the rest of us.

The rivalry is sometimes so polarizing that it is often a heated subject, like religion or politics, in the Northeastern United States.  In fact, since ESPN is also based in the Northeastern US, they believe the Yankees and the Red Sox are the only two teams in Major League Baseball, judging by their broadcast schedule.

1) Michigan Wolverines vs. Ohio State Buckeyes

College football gives us the twelve greatest Saturdays of the year, and it also give us the two greatest evils in sports. Ohio State and Michigan both represent all that is wrong with college football, and every evil that it contains.  Recent events have shown that Jim Tressel, a.k.a. Cheatypants McSweatervest is a disingenuous, lying prick, and the Michigan fan base just hasn’t come to terms with the fact they are not an elite program anymore. I can only hope and pray that the NCAA grows the balls to make an example out of Ohio State, but they likely won’t, and I hope it takes Michigan at least three more head coaches before they figure out that “elite” programs don’t get man-handled by Purdue.

The Dubsism 2010-2011 College Football Bowl Matchups: How Wrong Our Predictions Were

Bowl Championship Series:

BCS Championship:

  • Monday, January 10th; Glendale, Arizona;  University of Phoenix Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: #1 vs. #2
  • The Prediction: Alabama (SEC #1) vs. Ohio State (Big Ten #1)
  • The Actual Matchup: 1# Auburn (SEC#1) vs. Oregon (PAC-10 #1)
  • Payout: $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

First, the canned commentary:

This is the matchup that nearly everyone in the country wanted to see, and they’re getting their wish. Both teams will be putting their perfect records on the line in this matchup. Cam Newton—the nation’s top ranked passer and 15th best rusher—appears to be a lock for the Heisman trophy and will be leading the charge for Auburn.

LaMichael James—leads the nation in rushing—is another Heisman hopeful, who will be paired in the backfield with Oregon’s Darron Thomas. Thomas—who took over for Jeremiah Masoli at quarterback—has led the Ducks and their spread-option offense to one blowout win over another.

Expect nothing short of a shootout as both squads feature high-powered offenses that will be making multiple trips into the end zone on game day.

Now, the real commentary:

Auburn will win this game, and two years from now Oregon will be the BCS Champion when the Cam Newton thing finally hits resolution and Auburn has the title stripped.

Fiesta Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Glendale, Arizona;  University of Phoenix Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big 12 Champion/BCS vs. BCS At-Large
  • The Prediction: Texas (Big 12 #1) vs. Boise State (WAC #1)
  • The Actual Matchup: Oklahoma (Big 12 #1) vs. Connecticut (Big East #1)
  • Payout: $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

It might be more interesting to talk about the prediction that the actual matchup here. I don’t think we have ever picked at team to be in the BCS that didn’t even crack the 6-win bar of bowl eligibility.  Meanwhile, Boise State could have easily been in this game for the want of two lousy field goals. Instead, we get this complete and total mismatch.  Connecticut will be overmatched on nearly all fronts, and this should be a blowout win for Oklahoma.

But, how sweet would it be should the Sooners blow yet another bowl game?

Rose Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Pasadena, California; Rose Bowl
  • Matchup: Big Ten Champion/BCS vs. Pac-10 Champion/BCS
  • The Prediction: *Penn State (Big Ten #2) vs. Oregon (Pac-10 #1) * Penn State replaces the Big Ten Champion (Ohio State) which will be in BCS Championship
  • The Actual Matchup: Wisconsin (Big Ten #T-1) vs. TCU (MWC #1)
  • Payout : $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

Wisconsin has scored 70 points three times this season. Wisconsin is going to once and for all end this silly notion that a team that goes undefeated against a schedule full of Roast Beef State and South Southern Oklahoma Vo-Tech can be considered on the same plane with a program that deals with a conference where even the terrible teams are still big-time programs. Face it, if TCU played Purdue 10 times, TCU would lose at least four of those games. Just this year, TCU struggled to beat an Oregon State team that only won five games.

Orange Bowl:

  • Monday, January, 3rd; Miami, Florida; Dolphin Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: ACC Champion/BCS vs. BCS At-Large
  • The Prediction:  Georgia Tech (ACC #1) vs. Connecticut (Big East #1)
  • The Actual Matchup: Virginia Tech (ACC #1) vs. Stanford (Pac-10 #2)
  • Payout: $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

The Hokies usually don't need a shooter; they do it themselves.

Don’t look now, but in the last two seasons, Stanford has produced a Heisman runner-up (Toby Gerhart) and a lead-pipe cinch #1 overall draft pick (Andrew Luck). Couple that couple with the fact the Cardinal have taken on the identity of their pugnacious coach and have become a “smashmouth” team. This new-found toughness-meets-talent combination has Stanford ranked eighth in offense and eleventh in defense. This will prove to be too much for Virginia Tech, who will see an end to their 11-game winning streak.

Sugar Bowl:

  • Tuesday, January 4th; New Orleans, Louisiana; Superdome
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: SEC Champion/BCS vs. BCS At-Large
  • The Prediction: *Florida (SEC #2) vs. Utah (MWC #1) * Florida replaces the SEC Champion (Alabama) which will be in BCS Championship
  • The Actual Matchup: Arkansas (SEC #T-2) vs. Ohio State  (Big Ten #T-1)
  • Payout: $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

There’s one fact that tells this story.  Ohio State has a terrible  history against SEC teams in Bowl games (0-9).  That streak is going to continue.

Other:

Capital One Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Orlando, Florida;  Florida Citrus Bowl Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: SEC #2 vs. Big Ten #2
  • The Prediction: *LSU (SEC #3) vs. *Iowa (Big Ten #3) *LSU and Iowa are in this game as both #1 and #2 from the Big Ten and the SEC will be in the BCS.
  • The Actual Matchup: Alabama (SEC #5) vs. Michigan State (Big Ten T-1)
  • Payout: $4,250,000

The Silly Prediction:

Welcome to the Close, But No Cigar Bowl. The Alabama Crimson Tide are sure to be disappointed after watching their season take an unexpected turn after their second half meltdown against the Auburn Tigers.  Michigan State may not have made it into a BCS Bowl game, but they get the next best thing. The trouble is that Alabama is a fan base with larger expectations, and they will not accept losing to a “lesser” program. Alabama has everything to lose, which is why they will not lose.

Cotton Bowl Classic:

  • Friday, January 7th; Dallas, Texas; Cowboys Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big 12 #2 vs. SEC #3
  • The Prediction: Nebraska (Big 12 #2) vs. Mississippi (SEC #4)
  • The Actual Matchup: Texas A&M (Big 12 #5) vs. LSU (SEC #4)
  • Payout: $3,575,000

The Silly Prediction:

This is where disappointment meets surprise. LSU is disappointed about Arkansas killing their BCS hopes, while Texas A&M is surprised to be playing on New Year’s days rather than Texas. But the Aggies earned it; Texas A&M started the season slow, but they played strong in the second half which included a six-game winning streak. Two of those victories came against opponents ranked in the top 10.  Meanwhile, LSU found itself out of contention for a BCS Bowl game after losing to Arkansas; the Tigers’ offense is seriously inconsistent and quarterback Jordan Jefferson has led that poor play.  The Aggies should carry the day.

Insight Bowl:

  • Tuesday, December 28th; Tempe, Arizona; Sun Devil Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big 12 #4 vs. Big Ten #5
  • The Prediction: Oklahoma State (Big 12 #4) vs. Wisconsin (Big Ten #6)
  • The Actual Matchup: Missouri (Big 12 #4) vs. Iowa (Big Ten #4)
  • Payout: $3,325,000

The Silly Prediction:

Missouri is a pretender, but Iowa dropped their last three games and nearly lost to Indiana before that.  In a battle of the poser against the seemingly out-of-gas, look for Iowa to squeak by on fumes.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 31st; Atlanta, Georgia; Georgia Dome
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: ACC #2 vs. SEC #5
  • The Prediction: Virginia Tech (ACC #2) vs. Georgia (SEC #6)
  • The Actual Matchup: Florida State (ACC #2) vs. South Carolina (SEC #2)
  • Payout: $3,250,000 ACC; $2,400,000 SEC

The Silly Prediction:

Welcome to the Beavis and Butthead Bowl, because you can’t say “Seminoles” and “Cocks” in the same sentence without chuckling like an eighth-grade boy.  Both teams are coming off losses in conference championship games, and they both boast top-notch defenses. However, South Carolina features some potent offensive weapons; Marcus Lattimore will give Florida State a handful on the ground, while Ashlon Jeffrey will do the same through the air. Gamecocks will romp as they have something to prove after the beating they took from Auburn.

Outback Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Tampa, Florida; Raymond James Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big Ten #3 vs. SEC #4
  • The Prediction: Michigan State (Big Ten #4) vs. Auburn (SEC #5)
  • The Actual Matchup: Penn State (Big Ten #5) vs. Florida (SEC #7)
  • Payout $3,100,000

The Silly Prediction:


We’re not sure what to call this one…First of all, we are ignoring the whole “Urban Meyer quits” story. You can thank Brett Favre for that. Don’t forget, Meyer took a powder last year, and yo-yoed right back. If we do address this story it will be at a later date when we really know what is happening.

Now, back to the business as hand. This could be the Generation Gap Bowl, with octogenarian Joe Paterno meeting youngster Urban Meyer. It could be the Bible Bowl, with Moses Paterno and Pope Urban I. Or, it could be the Surprise Bowl, since I don’t think either team saw themselves ending up here back in September. After all, both teams had less than stellar seasons; both winding up at 7-5. The post-Tebow era in Gainesville finds the Gator offense to be ham-handed and failing time and again to find the end zone with any consistency. This means Florida was a surprise inclusion in the Outback Bowl, but they should come into the game with a strong home field advantage as the game is played in their backyard. However, that won’t be enough to beat the man with more bowl victories than anybody else. Penn State wins ugly, if there’s rain or cold weather this game could end 9-7.

Gator Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Jacksonville, Florida; Jacksonville Municipal Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big Ten #4 vs. SEC #6
  • The Prediction: Purdue (Big Ten #5) vs. Tennessee (SEC #7)
  • The Actual Matchup: Michigan (Big Ten #7) vs. Mississippi State (SEC #5)
  • Payout: $2,750,000

Has getting Michigan to a New Year’s Day Bowl game saved Rich Rodriguez’ job? Has getting Mississippi State into a New Year’s Day Bowl game made Dan Mullen a hot property for another job? Only time will tell, but the signs point to Mullen being the guy with the brighter future after this game.

Alamo Bowl:

  • Wednesday, December 29th; San Antonio, Texas, Alamodome
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Pac-10 #2 vs. Big 12 #3
  • The Prediction: *Arizona (Pac-10 #3) vs. Oklahoma (Big 12 #3) *Arizona replaces USC due to USC’s bowl ineligibility
  • The Actual Matchup: Arizona (Pac-10 #5) vs.  Oklahoma State (Big 12 #3)
  • Payout: $2,225,000

The Silly Prediction:

Picture a shootout, OK Corral style between two of the game most exciting quarterbacks. Look for Arizona’s Nick Foles to lead Arizona to 300 passing yards and 30 points, only to be bested by Oklahoma States Brandon Weeden’s 400 yards and 40 points.

Holiday Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 30th, San Diego, California; Qualcomm Stadium
  • Matchup: Pac-10 #3 vs. Big 12 #5
  • The Prediction: California (Pac-10 #4) vs. Missouri (Big 12 #5)
  • The Actual Matchup: Washington (Pac-10 #4) vs.  Nebraska (Big 12 #2)
  • Payout: $2,200,000

The Silly Prediction:

The Rematch Bowl: Nebraska ass-raped the Huskies 56-21 earlier this season. This  outcome won’t be any  different.

Champs Sports Bowl:

  • Tuesday, December 28th, Orlando, Florida;  Florida Citrus Bowl Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big East #2 vs. ACC #3
  • The Prediction: Pittsburgh (Big East #2) vs. Clemson (ACC #3)
  • The Actual Matchup: West Virginia (Big East #2) vs. North Carolina State (ACC #3)
  • Payout: $2,130,000

The Silly Prediction:

Get ready for an old-fashioned shootout between quarterbacks Russell Wilson of NC State and Geno Smith of West Virginia. However, West Virginia has a significant advantage on the defensive side of the ball and will exploit that fact.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 30th; New York City, New York; Yankee Stadium
  • Matchup: Big East #3 vs. Big 12 #7
  • The Prediction: West Virginia (Big East #3) vs. Texas Tech (Big 12 #7)
  • The Actual Matchup: Syracuse (Big East #4) vs. Kansas State (Big 12 #7)
  • Payout: $2,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

The most interesting thing about this game is it that it is yet another example that baseball-only ballparks make horrible football stadiums.  Check out how far away from the field the seats on the 50-yard line are, then think about what some poor slob paid for them in Yankee Stadium. As far as the game goes,  Syracuse’s offense is like watching the slow kid in kindergarten be spellbound by alphabet blocks, and they could get blown out if they can’t find a way to consistently put up points. Meanwhile, the Wildcats have a “Wal-Mart” version of that prototypical “gunslinger” Big 12 offense, led by quarterback Collin Klein and running back Daniel Thomas. K-State rolls in a snoozefest.

Sun Bowl:

  • Friday, December 31st; El Paso, Texas; Sun Bowl
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Pac-10 #4 vs. ACC #4
  • The Prediction: UCLA (Pac-10 #5) vs. Miami, FL (ACC #4)
  • The Actual Matchup: Notre Dame vs. Miami, FL (ACC#4)
  • Payout:  $1,900,000

The Silly Prediction:


Twenty years ago, this could have been a championship game. Now, it’s just a sad reminder of how neither of these programs really have any status anymore. Whoever is Miami’s new coach gets his first win against a Notre Dame team that despite its showing at USC just isn’t that talented.

Liberty Bowl:

  • Friday, December 31st; Memphis, Tennessee; Memorial Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: C-USA #1 vs. SEC #8
  • The Prediction: Houston (C-USA #1) vs. Arkansas (SEC #9)
  • The Actual Matchup: Central Florida (C-USA #1) vs. Georgia (SEC #9)
  • Payout: $1,700,000

The Silly Prediction:

Who do you like? The small program with the well-coached, well-rounded team, or the big program that has better athletes? In this case, we’re taking the jocks, but wouldn’t be surprised to see Central Florida pull off an upset signature win.

Music City Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 30th; Nashville, Tennessee; LP Field
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: ACC #6 vs. SEC #7
  • The Prediction: North Carolina (ACC #6) vs. South Carolina (SEC #7)
  • The Actual Matchup: North Carolina (ACC #6) vs. Tennessee (SEC #7)
  • Payout: $1,600,000

The Silly Prediction:

On the surface, this seems to be a perfect regional match. In fact, North Carolina wanted to schedule a Tennessee home-and-home series, but Volunteers weren’t volunteering, so the bowl selection committee pushed the issue.  North Carolina had the talent to be one of the top-tier teams in the nation, but an agent-tampering scandal cured that.  Despite that, the Tar Heels will be motivated to show what they have on a national stage against a faded-glory-not-quite-yet rebuilt Tennessee squad.

TicketCity Bowl (Dallas Football Classic):

  • Saturday, January 1st; Dallas, Texas, Cotton Bowl
  • Matchup: Big Ten #7 vs. Big-12 #8
  • The Prediction:  Northwestern (Big Ten #6) vs. Baylor (Big 12 #8)
  • The Actual Matchup: Northwestern (Big Ten #8) vs. Texas Tech (Big 12 #8)
  • Payout: #1,200,000

The Silly Prediction:

This match could have been interesting prior to Northwestern quarterback Dan Persa tearing his Achilles.  Now the Wildcat offense is in shambles and their defense could be declared legally dead in 19 states. Texas Tech should have no trouble disposing of Northwestern.

Independence Bowl:

  • Monday, December, 27th; Shreveport, Louisiana; Independence Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MWC #3 vs. ACC #7
  • The Prediction: BYU (MWC#3) vs. Boston College (ACC#7)
  • The Actual Matchup: Air Force (MWC #3) vs. Georgia Tech (ACC #7)
  • Payout: $1,100,000

The Silly Prediction:

The over/under on total forward passes in this game might be as low as 15. Air Force and Georgia Tech both love to run the football, and that’s really all they can do; neither can really stop it. Expect Georgia Tech to run over Air Force as both teams rack up over 300 yards in rushing yards.

Military Bowl:

  • Wednesday, December 29th; Washington, D.C.; RFK Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MAC #3 vs. ACC #8
  • The Prediction: Kent State (MAC #3) vs. *Wyoming (MWC#7) *Wyoming is in this game as the other Traditional/Contractual participant (ACC #8) will not be bowl eligible
  • The Actual Matchup: East Carolina (C-USA #5) vs. Maryland (ACC #4)
  • Payout: $1,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

Today's pirate: Less "Yarrrgh," more "Allah Akbar."

Well, we were right about the ACC having problems getting enough team bowl-eligible to meet its contractual obligations, but we had no idea the usually weak conference would be so putrid that even the teams that made six wins would get no respect. Maryland should handle the ECU Pirates, who really need to upgrade their logo to more accurately reflect a modern pirate.

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl:

  • Wednesday, December 22nd; Las Vegas, Nevada; Sam Boyd Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MWC #1 vs. Pac-10 #5
  • The Prediction: *TCU (MWC #2) vs. Stanford #(Pac-10 #6) *TCU is in this game as MWC#1 (Utah) will be in the BCS.
  • The Actual Matchup: Utah (MWC #2) vs. Boise State (WAC #2)
  • Payout: $1,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

There will be blood. This will not even be close; there will be no talk of field goals deciding things. Remember when Utah faced TCU a few weeks ago? Remember how Utah nearly gagged on it against a  mediocre San Diego State team. All season, Utah posed as a Top 10 contender, but now Boise State is looking to exact some revenge on anybody who gives non-AQ teams a bad name.

Meineke Car Care Bowl:

  • Friday, December 31st; Charlotte, North Carolina; Bank of America Stadium
  • Matchup: ACC #5 vs. Big East #4
  • The Prediction:  Florida State (ACC #5) vs. Cincinnati (Big East #4)
  • The Actual Matchup: Clemson (ACC #8) vs. South Florida  (Big East #5)
  • Payout: $1,000,000

Clemson and South Florida could not be any more evenly matched. They are both pretty mediocre, but at the end of the day, Clemson is slightly less bland. The Tigers will flourish on New Year’s Eve.

Beef O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl:

  • Tuesday, December 21st; St. Petersburg, Florida; Tropicana Field
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big East #6 vs. C-USA #4
  • The Prediction:  Northern Illinois (MAC #4) vs. Central Florida (C-USA #4) *Wyoming is in this game as the other Traditional/Contractual participant (ACC #8) will not be bowl eligible
  • The Actual Matchup: Louisville (Big East #6) vs. Southern Mississippi (C-USA # 3)
  • Payout: $1,000,000

You will be challenged not to bring up your Beef O’Bradys over this match, and for several reasons. First, this is clearly the worst bowl name ever, easily outpacing the Poulan Weedeater Bowl.  It will also feature two teams with contrasting styles that will still find a way to remain crushingly uninteresting.  Southern Mississippi has the 15th highest scoring offense in the nation, while Louisville sports the 11th ranked defense. Despite all that, about 19 people will be watching.

BBVA Compass Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 8th; Birmingham, Alabama; Legion Field
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big East #5 vs. SEC #9
  • The Prediction: Marshall (C-USA #6) vs. Akron (MAC #5) *Marshall and  Akron are in this game as the other Traditional/Contractual participant (Big East #5 and SEC#9) will not be bowl eligible.
  • The Actual Matchup: Pittsburgh (Big East #3) vs. Kentucky (SEC #10)
  • Payout: $900,000 SEC; $600,000 Big East

The Silly Prediction:

Dion Lewis and Ray Graham are top-notch running backs who should put on a show. Other than that, expect a slog-fest with Pittsburgh emerging on top, notching a win for new Panther Head Coach (insert name here).

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 30th; Dallas, Texas; Gerald J. Ford Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: C-USA #3/Army vs. MWC #4
  • The Prediction: Southern Mississippi (C-USA #3) vs. Air Force (MWC #4)
  • The Actual Matchup: Southern Methodist (C-USA #2) vs. Army
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:

While this may not scream “Must Watch TV,” it will provide a dramatic. Following in the Paul Johnson/Navy mold, Army has finally figured out that a service academy can compete by using an option running game. Army will take on SMU’s pro-style “Run and Shoot” offense with its own triple option attack which is ranked ninth nationally. SMU likely has too many athletes for Army to carry the day, but in any event look for an offensive show.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 9th; San Francisco, California; AT&T Park
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: WAC #1 vs. Pac-10 #6
  • The Prediction: *Fresno State (WAC #2)  vs. Oregon State (Pac-10 #7) * Fresno State replaces the WAC Champion (Boise State) which will be in BCS
  • The Actual Matchup: Nevada (WAC #1) vs. Boston College (ACC #7)
  • Payout: $750,000 WAC; $825,000 Pac-10

The Silly Prediction:

Nevada’s Colin Kaepernick runs their “Pistol” offense with near perfection. Together with running back Vai Taua, they form one of the most menacing rushing combos in the nation. This should make for an “irresistible force vs. immovable object” showdown with BC’s stalwart rushing defense. Look for Kaepernick’s passing prowess to make the difference.

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl:

  • Sunday, December 26th; Detroit, Michigan; Ford Field
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MAC #1 vs. Big Ten #9
  • The Prediction: Temple (MAC #1) vs. Tulsa (C-USA #7) *Tulsa is in this game as the other Traditional/Contractual participant (Big Ten #8/9) will not be bowl eligible.
  • The Actual Matchup: Toledo (MAC # 3) vs. Florida International (Sun Belt #3)
  • Payout: $750,000

Perhaps we should call this “Replacement Bowl.” The Pizza people don’t get the MAC champion like they usually do, and they don’t get the usual bad Big Ten team because there just aren’t enough bad Big Ten teams to go around.  Instead, they get two teams that weren’t expected to go to Bowl games. The real question is will friends and family outnumber the scant few die-hard fans in attendance? Oh, and the Rockets carry the day, in case you care.

GoDaddy.Com Bowl:

  • Thursday, January, 6th; Mobile, Alabama; Ladd Peebles Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MAC #2 vs. Sun Belt #2
  • The Prediction: Toledo (MAC #2) vs. Middle Tennessee State (Sun Belt #2)
  • The Actual Matchup: Miami, OH (MAC# 2) vs. Middle Tennessee (Sun Belt #2)
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:

If you were waiting for a Sun Belt vs. MAC clash, count your lucky fucking stars, because this is only the back half of a double-header between these storied leagues. Just about the time your intestinal discomfort has healed from watching the New Orleans Bowl, break out the Sam’s Club size bale of toilet paper and the donut pad, because three and half hours of this WILL cause uncontrollable anal leakage. If you can stomach it, expect the Redhawks of Miami to roll.

Hawaii Bowl:

  • Friday, December 24th; Honolulu, Hawaii; Aloha Stadium
  • Matchup: C-USA #2 vs. WAC #3 or Hawaii
  • The Prediction: East Carolina (C-USA #2) vs. Hawaii (WAC #3)
  • The Actual Matchup: Tulsa (C-USA #2) vs. Hawaii (WAC #3)
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:

Tulsa’s defense has been so unseen it might as well be on a milk carton. Tulsa’s team gets to be in Hawaii rather than Tulsa. Don’t think Tulsa gives a shit about this game. Expect the Fighting Rainbows of Hawaii to roll.

Humanitarian Bowl:

  • Saturday, December, 18th; Boise, Idaho; Bronco Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: WAC #2 vs. MWC #4
  • The Prediction: Idaho (WAC #6) vs. New Mexico (MWC #6)
  • The Actual Matchup: Fresno State (WAC #4) vs. Northern Illinois (MAC #2)
  • Payout: $750,000

First of all, what the fuck we were thinking with New Mexico? Seriously, I have no idea what we might have seen to think this team could win six games, but as long a s Mike Locksley is the head coach, this team couldn’t win a free oil change at Jiffy Lube let alone get to a bowl game.

About this game, it begs the question “How bad is Boise?” Jerry Kill bails on Northern Illinois to head for the frozen wasteland known as Minnesota just so he doesn’t have to go to Boise. What does that tell you? It tells me Kill knows that Fresno State has little chance to stop Chad Spann and the Huskies rushing attack, so why not go get a BCS job, even if it is the sorry-ass Gophers.

New Mexico Bowl:

  • Saturday, December 18th; Albuquerque, New Mexico; Universtiy Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: WAC #3/#4 vs. MWC #5
  • The Prediction:  New Mexico State (WAC #4) vs. San Diego State (MWC #5)
  • The Actual Matchup:  Texas-El Paso (C-USA #8) vs. BYU (MWC #5)
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:

This is a game of two teams going two completely different directions. BYU is playing solid football lately as of late, while UTEP looks like a fraternity team well into its third keg of beer. On top of that, UTEP’s main offensive weapons are both hobbled with injuries, and if they aren’t healthy by bowl time, BYU might have this one salted away by halftime.

Poinsettia Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 23rd; San Diego, California; Qualcomm Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Navy vs. MWC #2/WAC #5  OR MWC #2 vs. WAC #5
  • The Prediction: Navy vs. Nevada (WAC #5)
  • The Actual Matchup: Navy vs. San Diego State (MWC #4)
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:


Navy has a tremendous running game, and San Diego State will lack the athleticism to stop it.  Besides, Navy head coach Kent Niumatolo might just bite the Aztecs in half.

Texas Bowl:

  • Wednesday, December 29th; Houston, Texas; Reliant Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big 12 #6 vs. Big Ten #7
  • The Prediction: Texas A&M (Big 12 #6) vs. Minnesota (Big Ten #8)
  • The Actual Matchup: Baylor (Big 12 #6) vs. Illinois (Big Ten #6)
  • Payout: $612,500

The Silly Prediction:

Problem #1: Illinois does not travel well. Problem #2: Illinois head coach Ron Zook’s job may depend on a win. Problem #3: Baylor will be playing what is essentially a home game. Baylor has been a tough opponent all year and sometime following the latest Illinois disaster, Zook will be fired. Last year, fans and boosters were asking for Zook’s head amidst their fourth losing season in five years, which means this will be the last stand for Zook. When the Illini lose, it is all but over.

New Orleans Bowl:

  • Saturday, December 18th; New Orleans, Louisiana; Superdome
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Sun Belt #1 vs. C-USA #5
  • The Prediction: Troy (Sun Belt #1) vs. Memphis (C-USA #5)
  • The Actual Matchup: Troy (Sun Belt #1) vs. Ohio (MAC #4)
  • Payout: $325,000

The Silly Prediction:

What can you say about a game in which the participants are a 7-5 conference winner (Troy) and a team selected as a replacement because they seem to be more interesting than a middle of the pack Conference USA team? Take Ohio to win, but more importantly, don’t tell anybody you watched this game.

Nine Things We’ve Learned From The First Two Weeks of College Football 2010

1) The ACC sucks. When the class of this league all gets beat on one weekend, including a Georgia Tech loss to a sinking Kansas program, and Virginia Tech spitting the bit against James Madison, it is getting safe to say whoever this conference puts in the BCS will be sure to treat us to a 30-point loss. The performances of Florida State and Miami at Oklahoma and Ohio State respectively underscore that.

 

Dear Virginia Tech: When you can't beat a president who has been dead for over 150 years...

 

2) South Carolina is a legitimate threat to win the SEC East. We’ve all  been waiting to see what would happen when Steve Spurrier finally got a quarterback in Columbia; combine that with the facts that Florida has serious problems on offense, Tennessee flat-out sucks, and the Gamecocks have already beaten Georgia, and Spurrier’s side seems to have the inside track to the SEC Championship game.

3) Notre Dame is a fraud, Michigan will have to wait a bit before they are exposed as one. Sure, Michigan’s quarterback Denard Robinson is a stud, but he is the entire Wolverine offense. Contain him, and the Wolvies become as toothless as they have been the past two years. The talk of Notre Dame winning eight or nine games needs to be over now. It’s entirely possible the Irish don’t win again until they host Western Michigan.

4) Speaking of Notre Dame, Joe Montana’s kid is terrible.

 

Nate Montana bears a striking resemblance to his father until he picks up a football.

 

After quarterback Dayne Crist’s mysterious eye injury, Nate Montana completed 8 unremarkable passes, nine if you include the interception that got him yanked. I hope you saw him on Saturday, because legacy or not, he ain’t seeing the field again for quite some time. He stares down recievers, he was completely inffectual moving the offense, which is really the reason why he’s the third-stringer.

5) Penn State’s Rookie Quarterback Will Be Very Good…Someday. Robert Bolden showed flashes of greatness; he also threw two terrible interception. But, he’s a true freshman; right now he barely knows how to pee with out help. But that will change. When it does, he is going to have a very deep stable of running backs like Silas Redd to make the future in Happy Valley so bright JoePa may need to go back to the Transistions lenses.

 

Ehhh...sure is bright in here. Is that Cappeletti?

 

6) It’s never to early to start a Coaches’ Death Watch. The three most likely guys feeling the heat under their kiesters at BCS schools are Ron Zook at Illinois, Dan Hawkins at Colorado, and Rich Rodriguez at Michigan. Although, after this week I think one may one may safely add Tim Brewster from Minnesota (losing to FCS South Dakota when the boosters are expecting a good bowl game since they are only a year removed from building first-class facilities) and Brian Kelly at Notre Dame. Sure I understand Kelly is only on his second game on the South Bend sideline, but let’s face it; expectations are so stupidly-high in South Bend even Jesus himself would onnly get three years to be in a BCS game…and he better win it, otherwise Notre Dame becomes גבירתנו של כסף overnight.

7) Dan Dierking is the most interesting player you’ve never heard of.


Dan Dierking rushed for 102 yards and two touchdowns to help Purdue beat Western Illinois 31-21 on Saturday in its home opener. Dierking has really stepped for the Boilermakers in the absence of Ralph Bolden. In all honesty, there are some legitimate concerns with the Purdue offense, but Dierking isn’t one of them. This shouldn’t come as a surprise; his father Scott was one of Purdue’s best backs during his days in West Lafayette in the 70’s. Bloodlines aside, how can you not love a 5’9″ 190-pound kid who benches a “clean” 435,  can run between the tackles, return kicks, and pees on the sidelines?

8 ) “Shower Discipline.” Really?

I thought this was a gag. But then I saw it involves Tennessee, and all surprise left me. It seems that a staph infection outbreak among several Vol football players left coach Derek Dooley with no option other than to conduct a team-wide clinic on proper showering technique and hygiene. I have to give Dooley credit here; he actually got these words out of his mouth while keeping a straight face:

“We’ve had a few staph infections, so we did a clinic yesterday on proper shower technique and soap and using a rag, Dooley said. We put some new rags in — y’all think I’m kidding, but I’m serious. We had, I told them, the worst shower discipline of any team I’ve ever been around. So we talked a little bit about application of soap to the rag and making sure you hit all your body. You know, you can neglect it trying to cut corners, and it shows in how you practice and elsewhere. I’m hoping we show some improvement in that.”

Oh, the questions this raises…How bad at showering and cleaning yourself do you have to be before your coach intervenes? Don’t you think that hygiene issues would have become very apparent during the two-a-day workouts? Did the Volunteers actually hire Bart Simpson as a training consultant for this exercise? Just what exactly is “shower discipline?” And after seeing pictures like this, are staph infections all Tennessee should be worried about?

9) We can dramtically simplify the Top 25 Rankings.

  1. Alabama
  2. Ohio State
  3. Everybody else
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