Tag Archives: Movie Parodies

The Laws Concerning Having More Than One “Favorite” Team

Fear not...this will ALWAYS be an abomination

Fear not…this will ALWAYS be an abomination

On the last episode of the Blast-Cast with J-Dub and Meehan, J-Dub was posed a question about his loyalty in terms of being a fan of a certain team. That conversation quickly turned into an analogy between being a fan of multiple teams and the illusory nature of monogamous relationships. It may not be pretty, but people cheat on their significant others, and they cheat on their sports teams as well.  Instead of wasting time about denying this ugly reality, its’ time for another Dubsism public service.

What’s funny in all of this is that while this conversation started about football, it is actually in baseball where J-Dub has a serious case of split loyalties; he is a fan of both the Minnesota Twins and the Los Angeles Angels. How this happened isn’t all that important for now, those details will be coming in an upcoming installment of Tales of Depression and Sorrow. The short answer for purposes of this discussion is that J-Dub grew up in Southern California in the 1970’s, an era when the Dodgers were full of loathable characters like Tommy Lasorda and Steve Gravey, and the Angles were the hometown alternative. The Twins then and now have had a long history of providing the Orange County 9 some of their best players.

Having said all that, much like marriage puts a structure to this issue in terms of relationships, we are going to do the same with sports fandom.

I. General Rule

While multiples allegiances are allowed, there is a strict hierarchy which must be observed. There are 3 allowable levels.

Continue reading →

Sports Doppelgangers, Volume 63 – Keeping Alexei Ramirez Away From the U.S. Navy Might Be A Good Idea

alexei ramirez somali pirate

As promised, the former Sports Blog Movement feature Sports Doppelgangers will live on here at Dubsism. Having said that, this doppelganger is a bit more abstract than usual, if for no other reason than you really have to picture some things in your mind to make this one work.

First, head down to your local Redbox and rent the movie “Captain Phillps.” Then watch a Chicago White Sox game. I think the real reason Ramirez has been battling back problems all year is because before he was a Cuban shortstop, he may have been a Somali pirate, and may have some lead in his ass courtesy of the U.S. Navy.

It’s hard to see at first, but think about it. By taking some major league money, Ramirez could have easily got the orthodontia he desperately needed, then he could have easily fattened up in Chicago, which goes without saying as being a much better food town than Mogadishu. Fogo de Chao versus a dog skull filled with couscous and rotten goat? Even Joe West couldn’t blow that call.

It’s not so hard to see now, is it?

You can see the other installments in this series at the SBM Archive

In Honor of Steve Sarkisian’s Hiring at USC, It’s Time To Raid The Dubsism Archives

steve sarkisian a star is born

If you aren’t familiar with the 1954 film classic “A Star Is Born” starring Judy Garland and James Mason, then the jokes here are going to be completely lost on you. But rather than telling you to move along, you may want to consider giving the following movie parody a read, because it was written four years ago and essentially predicts Sarkisian’s rise to the top.  It stars all the same characters; Sarkisian as Esther Blodgett/Vicki Lester, former USC head coach Pete Carroll as Norman Maine, and who could forget the recently departed Ed Orgeron as Matt Libby?

Having said that, here’s the Dubsism version of “A Star Is Born.”

To continue reading, Click Here…

Dubsism’s 15 All-Time Hockey Enforcers and Their Fictional Cop Counterparts

hanson brothers chief wiggum

When it comes to hockey, I grew up on the Los Angeles Kings and the Philadelphia Flyers of the 1970’s , which means I am a connoisseur of the knuckles-in-your-mouth style of play. There’s an art to sheer bad-assery; the trouble in hockey is that bad-assery is really limited to the realm of the skull-buster. But when it comes to some of my favorite television and movie cops, the art of being a bad-ass has so much more license; but make no mistake, it is bad-assery nevertheless.

So, in honor of the soon-to-be end of the Stanley Cup Playoffs,  let’s take a  journey of comparison between 15  all-time hockey knucklemen and their fictional cop counterparts.

15) Derek Boogaard

The story of Derek Boogaaard is one that is at the same time bizarre yet awesome; hilarious yet tragic. Boogaard was born in a Mennonite community in Saskatchewan where he towered over the other kids.  Due to his size and the fact that he was the son of an RCMP officer, he was a frequent target of bullies, until he shit-hammered one of them and a legend was born. All through his rise to the NHL, Boogaard garnered a reputation for winning fights decisively.  In particular, there was an instance while Boogaard played for the Melfort Mustangs in which he charged the opposing bench and proceeded to dismantle several players. Scouts from the Western Hockey League’s Regina Pats were so impressed that they signed Boogaard the next day.

Once he got to the NHL, Boogaard became known as “The Mountie” and was literally feared as an enforcer, especially after he caved in fellow enforcer Todd Fedoruk’s face with a hammer-like right hand. Boogaard was so intimidating as a brawler that Georges Laraque, one of Boogaard’s prime knuckle-throwing rivals, atrtributed his retirement to not wanting anymore of Boogaards’ savage beatings.

Sadly, Boogaard met a tragic and premature end by his own hand.

Fictional Cop Counterpart: Officer Andy Kilvinski, The New Centurions

andy kilvinski

While no brute, Andy Kilvinski was no less legendary. He was best known for his unique manner of imparting wisdom into his younger counterparts as though it were a non-Euclidean geometric postulate. Many an L.A.P.D. rookie in his charge were subjected to a finger-wagging lecture beginining with the header “as Kilvinski’s Law dictates…”  What followed was a harsh, yet useful life lesson delivered in a wizened, cynical, and crusty manner heavily salted with gallows humor.

Sadly, Andy Kilvinski also met a tragic and premature end by his own hand.

Continue reading →

Who Knew Tim Tebow Was Jewish?

Seriously, everybody locked me into this Christian thing…

 

Shabbat Hospitality? What about Shomer Shabbas? When do you fucking roll, Timmy? Walter Sobchak is going to want an answer…

A Kubrick-Style Breakdown of Minnesota Twins’ GM Terry Ryan’s Descent Into Madness

It’s no secret that the advisory board here at Dubsism is laden with fans of the Minnesota Twins. The Chairman of that board, the esteemed Dick Marple, is our man on all things Twins, and the newspaper article he pointed out was simply to good not to share.  To appreciate this, you don’t need to be a fan of the Twins; hell, you don’t even need to be a baseball fan. But, if you love a breakdown of a Jack-Nicholson-in-“The Shining” style descent into complete madness, then we have a treat for you, courtesy of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune.

The article lists several bullet points, but the original piece doesn’t put them in an order in which they really show how bat-shit crazy Ryan really has become. By a simple  re-ordering of these points in terms of how insane they are, the picture becomes clear.

Redrum.

The Bullet Point:  “Doubts he will pursue any elite free-agent pitchers this winter, saying it will be a “thin” market and that he’s averse to signing such pitchers to the long-term deals required to land them.”

“Shining” Crazy Level:  Just getting to the hotel, not crazy yet.

The Rationale: Ryan is actually right about this. If you stop and think about it, especially while perusing the list of pitchers likely to be available, there are precious few exceptions to the original author’s ludicrous use of the word “elite” to describe any of these guys. From Cot’s Baseball Contracts:

* – Player whose current contract includes 2013 option

  • Scott Baker *
  • Erik Bedard
  • Joe Blanton
  • Bartolo Colon
  • Aaron Cook
  • Kevin Correia
  • Jorge De La Rosa *
  • Ryan Dempster
  • R.A. Dickey *
  • Scott Feldman *
  • Gavin Floyd *
  • Jeff Francis
  • Freddy Garcia
  • Zack Greinke
  • Jeremy Guthrie
  • Rich Harden
  • Dan Haren *
  • Roberto Hernandez *
  • Tim Hudson *
  • Edwin Jackson
  • Hiroki Kuroda
  • Colby Lewis
  • Francisco Liriano
  • Kyle Lohse
  • Derek Lowe
  • Paul Maholm *
  • Shaun Marcum
  • Jason Marquis
  • Daisuke Matsuzaka
  • Brandon McCarthy
  • Kevin Millwood
  • Jamie Moyer
  • Roy Oswalt
  • Carl Pavano
  • Jake Peavy *
  • Anibal Sanchez
  • Jonathan Sanchez
  • Ervin Santana *
  • Joe Saunders
  • James Shields *
  • Carlos Villanueva
  • Chien-Ming Wang
  • Kip Wells
  • Randy Wolf
  • Chris Young
  • Carlos Zambrano

It gets a little better if you want to try to shore up the bullpen, but there will still a lot of slag-heaps out there.

  • David Aardsma
  • Jeremy Accardo
  • Mike Adams
  • Jeremy Affeldt
  • Luis Ayala
  • Grant Balfour *
  • Miguel Batista
  • Matt Belisle
  • Rafael Betancourt *
  • Jonathan Broxton
  • Taylor Buchholz
  • Sean Burnett *
  • Tim Byrdak
  • Shawn Camp
  • Matt Capps *
  • D.J. Carrasco
  • Randy Choate
  • Todd Coffey *
  • Jose Contreras *
  • Francisco Cordero
  • Juan Cruz
  • Octavio Dotel
  • Chad Durbin
  • Kyle Farnsworth
  • Pedro Feliciano *
  • Jason Frasor
  • Brian Fuentes *
  • Mike Gonzalez
  • Sean Green
  • Kevin Gregg *
  • Jason Grilli
  • LaTroy Hawkins
  • Clay Hensley
  • Livan Hernandez
  • J.P. Howell
  • Hong-Chih Kuo
  • Casey Janssen
  • Bobby Jenks
  • Brandon League
  • Brad Lidge
  • Matt Lindstrom *
  • Mark Lowe
  • Brandon Lyon
  • Ryan Madson
  • Shawn Marshall
  • Dustin McGowan
  • Guillermo Mota
  • Peter Moylan
  • Brett Myers *
  • Pat Neshek
  • Will Ohman
  • Darren Oliver *
  • Juan Carlos Oviedo (aka Leo Nunez)
  • Vicente Padilla
  • Tony Pena
  • Brad Penny
  • Joel Peralta
  • J.J. Putz *
  • Chad Qualls
  • Ramon Ramirez
  • Jon Rauch
  • Francisco Rodriguez
  • Mariano Rivera
  • Fernando Rodney
  • J.C. Romero
  • Takashi Saito
  • Joakim Soria *
  • Rafael Soriano *
  • Hisanori Takahashi
  • Robinson Tejeda
  • Jose Valverde
  • Carlos Villanueva
  • Jamey Wright

Sure, there might be a few guys that might be interesting, but it isn’t crazy to say “I’m not going to be the guy who gives R.A. Dickey $12 million.”

The Bullet Point:  “Would consider re-signing pending free-agent pitchers Scott Baker and Carl Pavano.”

“Shining” Crazy Level:  The writer’s block is just setting in; he’s more frustrated than crazy.

The Rationale: Unless you are going to take a Louisville Slugger to the piggy-back, why not stick with the devil you know versus the one you don’t?

“You have to be open to a lot of things when you’re looking for starting pitching,” he said. “You’ve going to have to take some risks and you’re going to have to look at all markets, not just free agency, but trades and waivers and Rule 5s. But if you want to do it the correct way, that’s going to provide stability over the long haul, you’re going to have to draft and develop guys, too.

“Even when we had rotations that were darn good, we got them from about every avenue. We have to do the same thing moving forward here.”

After all, it isn’t like the Twins are climbing out of the crapper in 2013, so why blow money now on what could easily be another flame-job?

The Bullet Point:  “Insists that he, not the previous general manager, the manager or ownership, should take the blame for this season.”

“Shining” Crazy Level: He’s now talking to Lloyd the invisible bartender; welcome to Warning Sign City.

The Rationale: Terry, it’s time to realize a few basic facts here. The Twins didn’t go from perennial-division winner to the Blue Astros overnight. There was a progression involved here, and on that started long before you stepped back in the general manager’s seat.  Now, having said that, let’s look at some examples of your work from both stints as the general manager:

  • Butch Huskey
  • Rondell White
  • Tony Batista
  • Ruben Sierra
  • Ramon Ortiz
  • Sidney Ponson
  • Joel Zumaya

Now, Terry, before you try to hoggy-pants all the blame for what has gone wrong in Minnesota, let’s take a look at what your immediate predecessor Bill Smith did.

His two best moves:

  • Carl Pavano (now, if he cost $16.5 million for two years, imagine what some of the guys on the aforementioned list might get…)
  • Jim Thome (once for $3 million, then again for $1.5 million, then traded for the dreaded “player to be named later”)

But then there’s this list of Smith signees…

  • Orlando Hudson – one year, $5 million
  • Joe Crede – one year, $2.5 million
  • Luis Ayala – one year, $1.3 million
  • Nick Punto – two years, $8.5 million
  • Livan Hernandez  – one year, $5 million
  • Mike Lamb –  two years, $6.6 million
  • Adam Everett – one year, $2.8 million

Shelley Duvall could be the typical weak-hitting middle-infielder of the Bill Smith era.

Ryan goes on to the following quote:

“We have not played well,” Ryan said. “And everything comes underneath my umbrella. So I’ll go through the next month and we’ll see exactly where we stand here, but sooner rather than later Mr. Pohlad has got to get a decision out of me. I know he can’t go on forever with this setup.”

There’s enough blame to go around here, Terry. Trying to pretend this is all your doing won’t help it get fixed.

The Bullet Point:  “Wants people to stop blaming Joe Mauer for the team’s problems.”

“Shining” Crazy Level: Making out with the naked ghost of Room 237

The Rationale: Forget about it Terry. It’s never going to happen.

“Does the eight-year, $184 million contract belonging to his other former MVP, Mauer, make his job more difficult? “No, it does not,” he said. “We’ve got to quit blaming Joe Mauer for any ills we have. If you took his name off the line and just looked at the statistics, you’d say, geez, this guy is really good.”

When a quasi-anonymous assistant football coach gets caught raping kids, the famous head coach takes the fall. When a team goes from division-winners to cellar-dwellars, the $23 million dollar singles-hitter is going to take the blame, fairly or not.

To quote the aforementioned Chairman Marple: “Minneapolis man reports several years of being butt-fucked by Jim Pohlad, Bill Smith, Terry Ryan, and Ron Gardenhire.”

“Come and play with us, Danny Valencia.”

The Bullet Point:  “Considers Justin Morneau a “core” player whom he expects to thrive next season.”

“Shining” Crazy Level: The hallway, the elevator full of blood, and those creepy twins

The Rationale: Time for some brutal honesty. Justin Morneau is never again going to be the MVP caliber player he once was.  The concussion issue has taken its toll, and despite the fact he is having a respectable season, he’s making MVP money.  That’s the problem.

“Morneau has been the subject of trade rumors. Ryan spoke of him as a key part of next year’s team.”

“I look at this as a transition year for him, because last year he didn’t get enough at-bats,” Ryan said. “I’m pleased with his progress. There was a time this spring when we didn’t think he was going to play any first base for us. We’ve come a long way from that point.”

While it is true “they’ve come a long way,” it is also true that they haven’t come back nearly to the height of the original fall.  Think about it this way. The Twins couldn’t unload Morneau on the Dodgers, a team who later ate nearly a quarter-billion dollars in salary to take on risks like Carl Crawford and Josh Beckett.

“I think his numbers are going to return. I think he’s a core guy. He’s a former MVP who’s what, 31? He’s one of the most important people in this organization, no doubt.”

Twins fans are all too familiar with big. slugging, Canadian lefties who show off a brief period of huge promise, then concussions end it all.  Raise your hand if you remember Corey Koskie.

The Bullet Point: “Won’t force Gardenhire to make changes to his coaching staff.”

“Shining” Crazy Level:  He’s coning through the door with the axe.

The Rationale: Two more dead-give away quotes:

“The most likely scapegoats in any baseball organization are the major league coaches. Ryan said he would never force Gardenhire to make a change. “It’s not that I would force him or he would force me,” Ryan said. “It would never come to that. If we need to make a change, in my opinion, I would recommend it to him. If he felt the need to make a change, he would bring that to me. Then we would discuss it.”

“I don’t think either one of us should independently make that call. I wouldn’t want to force-feed a coach on a manager. That never works in a clubhouse.”

Somebody ought to put George Stienbrenner’s grave on full Roll-Over Alert.

That leads to the piece d’resistance

The Bullet Point: “Will not fire manager Ron Gardenhire.”

“Shining” Crazy Level: Dude just got it with the axe.

The Rationale: The following two quotes illustrates the problem:

“I’ve never fired a manager because I’ve never had to. That’s as simple as I can put it. I have no interest in changing managers. I don’t see where Ronnie is the problem here.”

“Ryan did not fire Tom Kelly when Kelly was in the midst of eight consecutive losing seasons. He doesn’t plan to fire Gardenhire after two. “Gardy has a good track record,” Ryan said. “We’ve had a couple of tough years. Am I opposed to firing people? No. I’ve fired people in my life. Quite a few, in different departments. You have to do that on occasion. You don’t like to, but sometimes you have to.”

The fact that he’s comparing Tom Kelly, a manager who lived from 1993 on with essentially a Triple-A line-up, to Gardenhire, a manager who couldn’t win with two MVP-caliber players and a host of All-Stars is “makes little snowmen out of his own poop” crazy.

Now, if we could just get Terry Ryan to spend the winter at an isolated resort in the mountains somewhere…

The First Weekend of the 30th Olympiad In Pictures

In our ongoing effort to provide you with coverage of the Olympics that you just won’t get anywhere else, we’ve decided to give you a rundown of the first weekend of the 30th Olympiad in pictures. They say one picture is worth a thousand words, but posting a picture is a hell of a lot easier than writing.

The Opening Ceremonies contained an address from Queen Elizabeth II, who has been on the British Throne for 60 years.

All of Britain needs to thank the Queen for their country hosting the Olympics. As we all know, Great Britain is completely broke, and if it weren’t for the Queen picking up a part-time job, these games may have never happened.

Continue reading →

Your Jamie Moyer Update 06/08/2012 : Jamie Mo-Yoda?

There’s  still hope that we may not have to retire the Moyer-o-meter quite yet.  After all, the six regular readers of Dubsism (thank God for internet access at state hospitals) know that this blog has been your home for all things Jamie Moyer since his days on the bump for the Phillies.  In all honesty, even we had to admit it looked like the end of the road after the Rockies released him after going 2-5 with a 5.70 ERA in Colorado.  But on Wednesday, Moyer got a shot at a new life when  the Baltimore Orioles signed Moyer to a minor-league deal.

He will report to the Norfolk Tides, and Moyer will start Saturday night against the Buffalo Bisons.

First, as is now required by federal law, all posts about Jamie Moyer now must include a Gene Rayburn-esque “Moyer is the oldest major leaguer to  _____.”  Again, our six incarcerated readers already know these, but the law is the law.  So far this year, Moyer set a major league  record by becoming the oldest pitcher to win a game, drive in a run, and score a run. When he pitched May 21 at Miami, Marlins Park became the 50th MLB stadium in which he has appeared, which is  a record for any player since 1900.

If he makes it back to the bigs, Moyer reclaims his post as the major league’s active leader in wins (269), strikeouts (2,441), innings pitched (4,074) and games started (638).  Granted, a minor-league deal, means there is no guarantee he will get a shot to add to those totals,  but with the Orioles’ pitching staff struggling recently (note the struggle Brain Matusz had the other night), it’s not exactly a long-shot Moyer pitches for Baltimore for a second time.  Moyer posted a record of 25-22 with a 4.41 ERA in 75 games for Baltimore from 1993 to 1995.

The reality is the Orioles have a pitching staff that ranks 23rd in baseball in quality starts (26).  The o’s are also in the midst opf the AL East race right now, but they won’t stay there unless something gets done to shore up the pitching staff.  It’s pretty clear the O’s know this as they already have veteran moundsmen Joel Pineiro and Dontrelle Willis currently pitching in extended spring training with designs on bringing them up to Norfolk in the near future. .

Naturally, Orioles general manager Dan Duquette offered the expected sound bites on this signing:

On the signing of Jamie Moyer to a minor league deal: “Jamie Moyer is a veteran pitcher and he has been a winning pitcher and we are going to see if he can help us. He is going to take a couple starts at Triple-A, and if he can do well, he then will be in a position where we can put him on the ballclub.”

More on Moyer: “He is not that far removed from (Tommy John) surgery, so there is a chance he could regain his previous form by continuing to pitch. A lot of veteran pitchers sometimes it takes a little bit longer to get into the length of the season until they come around. We’ll see if that is the case. But Jamie has won a lot of games. He’s a good role model and has had some success.”

On Moyer’s timeline: “A couple weeks, a couple of starts and if he is doing well ….”

On whether there is an opt-out in the contract: “We agreed to give it a few starts. He’s a veteran player and he’ll know. And if he can help us, he can help us.”

Make of that what you will, but the fact is the O’ s pitching staff is in the middle of the American League pack and sinking in terms of team ERA, WHIP, batting average against, and earned runs allowed.

Now for the fun part.

It certainly seems as if the O’s believe they need some veteran presence to go along with their slew of youngsters, and not just with the pitchers.  Stop to consider the pseudo-irony in the fact the Norfolk’s roster on Saturday’s “Star Wars” night in Buffalo will include a slew of ex-big league All-Stars Brian Roberts, Miguel Tejada, and Nate McLouth; plus respectable major-leaguers Bill Hall, J. C. Romero, and Pat Neshek.

“Pitch or not pitch, there is no try.”

One of the reason the Rockies’ brought in Moyer was to mentor their young pitchers. Since it seems that is also the case in Baltimore, break out your “Mo-Yoda” jokes here…Don’t buy Moyer as a pitching version of Yoda? Consider this: When you first saw Yoda, you didn’t picture a two-foot tall, oddly-spoken, cane-wielding, Hobbit-esque creature as the pre-eminent expert on Jedi ass-kicking. Nobody pictured a 49-year old guy with a rebuilt elbow and barely-freeway-speed fastball as a pitching guru. Moyer spent great periods of his career languishing in the “Dagobahs” of the big leagues; Moyer’s moment of lifting the X-wing fighter out of the swamp came in winning the World Series with the Phillies.

Not to mention we all know Moyer is going to live to be 900 years old.  As Yoda would say, “To answer power with power, the Jedi way this is not.” Who else would say that but a guy whose racked up over 2,400 career strikeouts with a “fastball” that barely breaks 75 mph?

Your Jamie Moyer fact:  Saturday night will be Moyer’s first minor-league game since a 1997 rehab assignment for Tacoma in the Seattle chain and his first real minor-league assignment since going 6-0 in eight starts for Rochester in 1993.

Rex Ryan and Tim Tebow: The Introduction

Be warned the following post is Rated “R” largely because it includes an uncensored Rex Ryan…

The other day, the New York Jets introduced their new media sensation to the New York press. While that press conference was widely covered, the introduction between Tim Tebow and Jets coach Rex Ryan was kept largely under wraps.  Until now.

Lets’ be honest…nobody really knows how this relationship is going to play out in the future, but we do know that you really couldn’t find two more divergent personalities. However, thanks to our vast network of spies, we here at Dubsism did manage to obtain a transcript of the first meeting of the two men who promise to dominate the New York football headlines for the immediate future.

TT: (knocks on office door) Coach Ryan, are you in here?

RR: What the fuck is up, kid? Come on in. (throws Tebow a beer) Have a brewski, kid!

TT: Uh, thanks Coach, but I don’t…

RR: (interrupts) Don’t you shit me now, boy! I ain’t never met a catholic yet who didn’t like to get good an’ fucked up. Now sit your ass down and have a beer with your new coach.

TT: (stares uncomfortably at the beer) But I’m not catholic, Sir. I’m a Christian.

RR: What the fuck ever. So, what can I do for you?

TT: Well, Sir…

RR: (interrupts) First of all, you’re gonna have to knock off that “Sir” bullshit. Call me either “Rex” or “Coach.”

TT: OK…well, Sir…er, I mean Coach Rex, I just thought I would come by, introduce myself, and maybe get a playbook.

RR: Well, don’t worry about the playbook quite yet. We really don’t quite know what the hell we are going to do yet.

TT: Whatever you say, Coach.  I will do whatever the team needs.

RR: (cracks another beer) No, you’ll do whatever the fuck I tell you. You gonna drink that beer or are you waiting until you change your tampon?

TT: But, Coach, I tried to tell you that I don’t drink.

RR: (Leans forward in his chair) I told you to drink that fuckin’ beer.  Now drink it.

TT: (cracks beer, pretends to take a sip) Uhhh, this stuff smells like Kyle Orton.

RR: That’s better. Now let me tell you what I’m thinking here. People like you, kid, and that’s gonna be a big help when they figure out the team isn’t any good.  I can’t figure out why they re-signed that pile of monkey nuts Sanchez. God, he sucks (facepalm).  Anyway, eventually I want you to do here what you did in Denver. I don’t have the first fuckin’ clue how you did that, but I will tell you this. Your relationship with the media and your off-field activities will be as important as what you do on the fuckin’ field.

TT: I’m not sure I understand what you mean, Coach…

RR: Listen here, Opie.  You could get away with selling that “Charlie Church” routine out there in Denver, Punksylvania, but here in New York, the media is always going to be looking for cracks in your story, and somebody is eventually going to get some fuckin’ dirt on you. Nothing will kill you faster than getting caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. You don’t like feet by any chance, do you?

TT: Excuse me, Coach?

RR: Never mind. The point is that eventually your little altar boy routine is going to get blown up.

TT: But it’s not a “routine,” Coach.

RR: Yeah. Of course it isn’t, kid. And I can see my own dick without putting a mirror on the floor (chuckles).

TT: Honest, Coach. I’m not pretending for anything. I really believe in…

RR: (interrupts) Yeah, yeah, yeah…what the fuck ever. Look kid, just understand that here there will be tons of skanks who would love to be on the front page for suckin’ your guts out through the end of your dick. All it takes is one to fuck this whole thing up.

TT: That won’t be a problem, Coach.

RR: It better not be, or else this will happen to you  (leans toward the door in his chair). HEY SANCHEZ!!! GET YOUR COCK-LOVING ASS IN HERE!!!  NOW!!! (Sanchez enters the room in a Pulp Fiction-type “Gimp” outfit, complete with shock-collar)

RR: This here’s the deal, boy (pulls a remote control out of his desk). It’s one thing to be a shitty quarterback, hell, this league is full of them. But it’s another to be a shitty quarterback who is a liability off the field.  See what he’s wearing? The outfit is all because this jerk-off got caught porking a 17-year old last year. So now, he gets to wear the “Suit of Shame” (presses button, at which time Sanchez becomes a screaming electro-convulsive pile of uncontrolled bodily functions).  Some people just have to learn the hard way (looks down at Sanchez). Don’t they, Dipshit?

Sanchez: (screams muffled by leather zipper mask)

TT: (horrified, drops beer) Oh, my…I mean, I understand, Coach.

RR: You goddamn well better, kid. You’re here because Electro-Nuts down there doesn’t seem to get the message . I’d really hate to have to pump 50,000 volts through your Holy Trinity (hits button again).

Sanchez: (screams muffled by leather zipper mask)

Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Horrible 80’s Music Goes “Tebow”

There’s really nothing quite like the special level of hell reserved for when a current phenomenon inspires the return of one with a “retro” feel. Take the current Tim Tebow-mania which as we speak has a death-grip on the throat of the sports world. How would you feel about marrying that to the soundtrack from one of those god-awful 1980’s “Brat Pack” movies?

Well wonder no more…to the horror of eardrums around the world, it’s happened.

Remember “St. Elmo’s Fire?”  Apparently John Parr, the author of that bit of ear-rape, happens to be a serious fan of the Denver Broncos, and therefore a dedicated Tebow-phile. To honor his quarterback phenomenon, he’s rewritten the song to honor him.

Just because you don’t want to experience the feeling of a rabid weasel clawing your eardrums is no reason to miss out on this gold-medal level lyrical nut-kicking.

Growin’ up
Gotta keep your eye on the ball
Make it fly,
Give it everything, give your all
But maybe sometimes if you feel the pain
You’ll find you’re all alone
Everything has changed

Play the game
You know you can’t quit until it’s won
Soldier on
Only you can do what must be done

You know I’m out there
Down on one knee
A prisoner
And I’m tryin’ to break free

CHORUS:

I can see a new horizon
Underneath the blazin’ sky
I’ll be where the eagle’s
Flyin’ higher and higher

Gonna be a man in motion
All I needs my Broncos team
Take me where my future’s lyin’
Tim Tebows Fire

Oooh…

Burnin’ up
Don’t know just how far that I can go
(Just how far I go)
Soon be home
Only just 4 downs to go
I can make it
I know I can
You broke the boy in me
But you won’t break the man

(CHORUS)

I can see a new horizon
blazin on the Mile High
I’ll be where the eagle’s
Flyin’ higher and higher

Gonna be your man in motion

All I needs my Broncos team
Take me where my future’s lyin’
Tim Tebows Fire

I can climb the highest mountain
These Broncos cant be beat
I can feel St Elmo’s Fire burnin’ in me
Burnin’ in me

Just once in his life
A man has his time
And my time is now
And I’m comin’ alive

I can hear the music playin’
I can see the banners fly
Feel like a man again

I’ll hold my head high
Gonna be a man in motion
These broncos can’t be beat
Take me where my future’s lyin’
Tim Tebow’s fire

(CHORUS)

I can climb the highest mountain
Cross the wildest sea
I can feel St. Elmo’s Fire burnin’ in me

Burnin’
Burnin’ in me
I can feel it burnin’
Oooh, burnin’ inside of me

I don’t know about you, but I will be spending the rest of the afternoon stuffing a bottle brush in my ears.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 121 other followers