Tag Archives: Mike LaValliere

The All-Time, All Fat Guy Baseball Team

In today’s installment of why fat guys can still be world-class athletes, what better example than baseball? After all, not only are we on the cusp of the World Series, but the greatest baseball player in the history of ever was decidedly a fat guy.  For your perusal, here is the full roster for a team composed of all fat guys that were it possible to assemble all their poundage in their prime would squash just about any other team you put before it.

Manager: Bobby Cox

Years of bench duty combined with a penchant for Jack Daniel’s will put a paunch on anybody, let alone a future Hall-of-Famer. Apparently, you just don’t burn that many calories punching your wife.

Position Players:

First Base – Kent Hrbek

May or may not be sending out for pizza.

Hrbek had an off-season regimen of chili dogs and beer, then spent the summer hitting screaming line drives. Not to mention Hrbek was a tremendous fielder for a big dude.

First Base/Designated Hitter – Cecil Fielder

One of the proudest moments in my career as a baseball fan was being in the crowd when Fielder stole the sole base of career. Watching him slide into second was like watching that test plane crash footage.

First Base/Designated Hitter – Prince Fielder

Like father, like son…except Cecil never tried to sell us that “I’m a vegetarian” bull.  I guess even broccoli will fatten you up if you drown it in enough Wisconsin cheddar.

First Base/Third Base – Miguel Cabrera

Cabrera didn’t start his career on this list, but once he made Major League money and didn’t need to subsist on a third-world diet of chicken heads and road gravel, it wasn’t just his batting average that ballooned.

Second Base – Ronnie Belliard

Normally, middle infielders are the epitome of speed and quickness, qualities usually found in smaller bodies. However, looking at this roster, one must remember “smaller” is a relative term.

Shortstop – Juan Uribe

Uribe could make lots of teams besides this one, such as the “All Weirdest Throwing Motion Team” or for a while this year the  “All Frosted Tips on His Goatee” team.

Third Base – Bob Horner

Horner is one the only players in Major League history to hit four home runs in a single game and eat four large pizzas afterward.

Infield – Jhonny Peralta

Dyslexia is a terrible thing, being a fat fcuk doesn’t help.

Infield – Miguel Tejada

You must to have a compulsive need to be planet-sized if you are fat and take steroids.

Infield  –  Terry Pendleton

This team just wouldn’t have a complete roster without some switch-hitting, MVP-type fat.

Infield/Outfield – John Kruk

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t, but when you are sponsored by Denny’s, you are undeniably “All-time Fat Team” worthy.

Infield/Outfield – Dmitri Young

How can this team not include a 300-pounder with the nickname “Da Meathook?”

Outfield – Tony Gwynn

How do you win seven batting titles? always challenge yourself to hit better than your weight. This is why Gwynn kept it on the safe side having five seasons in which he batted over .350.

Outfield – Kirby Puckett

Not only is Puckett one of the 100 Greatest Players of All-Time, he was the fastest all-time to reach 2,500 pounds hits.

Outfield – Babe Ruth

Simply the greatest baseball player in the history of ever. How do you not love a guy who has a breakfast comprised of 10 ball park hot dogs and a quart of scotch, then smacks three homers?

Outfield – Adam Dunn

To find a guy with more consecutive 40-homer seasons, you have to look above to Babe Ruth. Besides, Dunn knew that if you hit the ball over the fence, you don’t have to run.

Utility – Pablo Sandoval

Sandoval began his professional career as a catcher, and has since moved to third base, but can also play first or a corner outfield position. At his current rate of weight gain, he is projected to end his career as a stadium.

Catcher – Ernie Lombardi

Known as “The Schnozz,” Lombardi was known for his ability to catch anybody’s fastball bare-handed and the fact that his nose weighed 18 pounds.

Catcher – Mike LaValliere

Another catcher with a great nickname, LaValliere was known as “Spanky,” the fat kid from the “Little Rascals.” Actually, I think he was more like “Engelberg” from “The Bad News Bears.

Catcher – Hector Villanueva

A mexican Mike LaValliere.


Starting Pitcher – C.C. Sabathia

If there were ever a poster child for a “round moundsman,” who better than C.C. Sa-fatt-ia?

Starting Pitcher – David Wells

When a fat guy pitches a perfect game, he gets to lie about his weight, and the Yankees trying to get me to believe the 6’4″ Wells tipped the scales at 240 pounds would most certainly qualify as that lie.

Starting Pitcher – Sir Sidney Ponson

Judging by the first two entries on this list, you really have to do something special to stand out as a fat Yankee pitcher.  I guess getting knighted in Aruba, then punching a judge and being kicked out of the country has to fill that bill.

Starting Pitcher – Fernando Valenzuela

As the song says, Fernando started as a sensation, and ended up outweighing a Brahma bull.

Starting Pitcher – Sid Fernandez

“El Sid” was a dominating pitcher for the first five innings of a ball game, at which point he became worried about getting to the buffet before it closed.

Relief Pitcher – Aurielio Lopez

Forget about Jennifer. Aurielio was where you needed to go to see a Lopez with a giant butt.

Relief Pitcher – Charlie Kerfeld

It shouldn’t be a surprise that Houston was home to a few big, big relievers. After all, NASA was close by to help with tracking planet-sized objects.

Relief Pitcher – Rich  Garces

When your nickname is “El Guapo,” doesn’t that pretty much say it all?

Relief Pitcher – Mike Fetters

The reverse of the relationship between Mike LaValliere and Hector Villanueva. Fetters is simply an Anglo version of “El Guapo.”

Relief Pitcher – Bobby Jenks

The pink goatee is all about man-breast cancer awareness.

There’s a rumor that the soft-spoken, quiet Ozzie Guillen once signaled to the bullpen for the “wide” guy. Given his thick accent, he probably just said “right.” Either way, Jenks is righteous fat.


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