What We Learned From This Weekend in Football 10/15/2011 – The “Exposed” Edition

If you are my age, you remember Fotomat.  If you don’t remember Fotomat, then you also likely don’t remember rotary dial phones, cars that had carburetors rather than fuel injection, and the days when McDonald’s didn’t pretend to care about your health.

You don’t remember the days when you never had to dial somebody’s area code unless you were calling long-distance (another concept you probably don’t remember; calling outside your area code used to cost money before “unlimited anytime/anywhere minutes”), muscle cars with those enormous four-barrel carburetors that burned through 75-cent-per-gallon gasoline like it was cheap, Chinese fireworks, or when drive-thru breakfast didn’t include the option of apple wedges and oatmeal.

"In my day, you had an Egg McMuffin and hash browns at 8, then you had two heart-attacks by noon, and you liked it that way!"

What the hell does any of this have to do with football? Fotomat was all about when your camera wasn’t digital; when your pictures were saved on this stuff called “film,” and you had to ride your dinosaur up to these little huts which were in the entryways to strip malls, drop off your film and come back in a week to get your printed pictures. To take good pictures with those old film-based cameras, often you had to know how to set something called “exposure.”  So many football facts were exposed this weekend you might need a city full of Fotomats to contain them all.

Besides, I’m old and I just wanted to bitch about that for a couple of paragraphs before I got to my point.

1) EXPOSED: Michigan Football Still Sucks

I like Brady Hoke. I think eventually he will accomplish great things in Ann Arbor.  But this is the roadmap for Wolverine football until further notice:

• Get fat in September on (insert MAC school here).
• Legitimatize beating a parade of lesser talent by beating the perenially over-rated Notre Dame
• Get EXPOSED sometime early in the conference schedule
• Back into an 8-4 record, then get sodomized with a red-hot fireplace poker in one of those 36 Big Tweleveten/SEC New Year’s Day bowl games

2) EXPOSED: Denard Robinson is a Fraud as a Quarterback

I know Denard Robinson was on the receiving end of a bush-league cheap shot (Outrage: How did William Gholston not get kicked out of that game?), but that doesn’t eliminate the the fact the Michigan State defense exposed him.

Denard Robinson is one of the most exciting players in college football, except when it matters. With the sole exception of the 4th quarter of the Notre Dame game, Denard Robinson is a guy who a) disappears in crunch time and b) is just another running quarterback who can’t throw the damn ball.

Even in the Notre Dame game, he still threw three interceptions.

I understand he was last season’s Big Ten Offensive Player of the Year, but look at his 2010 stats from two perspectives.  First, focus solely on his passing stats; remove his rushing totals from the picture. Second, look at when his passing touchdowns occur in relation to when his interceptions occur, then look at that compared to when Michigan wins.

What you are going to see is that Robinson posted a lot of his passing stats in “garbage time;” either in blow-out wins (Indiana) or in blow-out losses (Wisconsin, Ohio State, and Mississippi State). The go back to his rushing stats and note when the rushing touchdowns occur. What it also says is that if you want to beat Michigan, make Denard Robinson throw the ball.  Michigan’s record since 2009 when Denard Robinson scores at least one rushing touchdown is 13-6; 6-6 when he doesn’t.

Back to that cheap shot for a moment… I’m an old offensive lineman, and I can promise you any dickweed who did that to my quarterback and stayed in the game would be taking his knees home in a bag.

3) EXPOSED:  Speaking of Frauds, Cam Newton Is Not Ready To Be an NFL Quarterback

It’s time to face the facts…a guy who tosses nine picks in six games does not understand the primary job of an NFL quarterback is to take care of the ball. Not only that, but he easily could have three or four more; this guy makes some seriously bad decisions. In fact, I think we need an “equal time” rule; for every comment were are going to hear from now on about Tim Tebow not being ready to play quarterback in the NFL, there should be an equal amount of commentary dedicated to the fact Cam Newton isn’t either.

4) EXPOSED: ESPN creates its own hype

All you have to do to see this in action is take a critical look at the stories ESPN promotes when they don’t have  ”hard” sports news to cover. Here are my favorites from the past week.

• LeBron James playing in the NFL. LeBron James is not playing in the NFL.  It may be one of the dumbest ideas I’ve ever heard.
• Jim Tressel will be the next coach of the Indianapolis Colts. Jim Tressel is not going to be the next coach of the Colts.  Jim Tressel doens’t know the first thing about coaching in the NFL. Tell me the last time you saw a Tressel offense that looked even remotely like an NFL offense. Do you really expect me to believe we are going to take a surgically-rebuilt Peyton Manning and have him start running around like Terrelle Pryor?
• Urban Meyer is going to coach Ohio State in 2012. This one has been rolling for a while, but it’s just as dumb. Urban Meyer will not be the next coach at Ohio State. why in the world would a guy who left coaching due to the stress take on rebuilding Ohio State with that crazy-ass fan base hounding his every step? Not to mention he’s got nothing left to accomplish as a coach. He’s won two national championships. He’s produced a Heisman Trophy winner.  He’s not looking to take on all the bullshit he’d have to endure in coaching in Columbus.

5) EXPOSED: Big Ten Offenses Not Named Wisconsin

By racking up 59 points on a hapless Indiana squad, the Wisconsin Badgers outscored every other ranked Big Ten offense COMBINED (#11 Michigan – 14 points, #16 Illinois – 7 points, #23 Michigan State – 28 points)

6) The BCS is a joke (again)

Does anybody really think Oklahoma is the third-best team in the country? I’m not even sure the Sooners are the best team in Oklahoma. Of course, its hard to tell because neither them or Oklahoma State have played anyone. Of course, I don’t think either of those teams could beat Wisconsin. The problem Wisconsin hasn’t beaten anybody either. Not to mention the team that gets the rap for not playing anybody (Boise State) might just be the best team in the country not currently in the SEC.

7) EXPOSED: ESPN Can’t Control @Occupy GameDay, They Can’t Even Contain It

The proof is in the signs…

 

 

Next up for the Dan Patrick Fans…East Lansing, Michigan.

8 ) EXPOSED: Jim Harbaugh is a Dick, and Jim  Schwartz Is A Sore Loser 

The minute I saw this I knew it was going to dominate Monday morning sports-talk radio. Let’s cut to the chase here. Harbaugh is a dick, and he’s always has been. You can tell this got started not over the handshake, but the shove in the back at which point you can tell Harbaugh said something to Schwartz. You knew it was intentional by the smirk when Harbaugh said during his press conference “It’s on me. I shook his hand too hard.”  In other words, Harbaugh essentially called Schwartz a “pussy” on national television.

On the other hand, if you’re Jim Schwartz, you’ve got to learn how to be the bigger guy. Short of that, go catch up to Harbaugh in the tunnel where there are no cameras before you start looking like the average bar brawler.

By the way Harbaugh, I’d like to see you pull that move with a guy like Rex Ryan or Mike Tomlin just to see how fast you’d get your ass handed to you.

The National Collegiate Hockey Conference – A Super League Is Born

Editor’s Note: For purposes of full disclosure, J-Dub is an alum of the University of North Dakota and is a fervent Fighting Sioux hockey fan. In fact, that’ s his real fat ass all Sioux-ed up. For Christ’s sake, the man has a Fighting Sioux shower curtain.  We mention this only for purposes of stating up front this article may be written with a bit of a bias. If you disagree, feel free to comment, or start your own blog. Either way, you’ve been warned.

College football isn’t the only sport in the NCAA experiencing a tectonic shift in it’s conference alignments.  Two of its oldest and most storied leagues are breaking up and re-forming a college hockey world that will look very different from the way it does today.

The Western Collegiate Hockey Association (WCHA) will celebrate its 60th anniversary this fall. The Central Collegiate Hockey Association (CCHA) turns 41. However, it is these two leagues which will be the most effected by the announcement yesterday that the National Collegiate Hockey Conference (NCHC) will begin play in 2013-14 with some of the game’s most powerful programs as charter members.

Perennial power North Dakota, defending national champion Minnesota-Duluth, along with Denver, Colorado College,and Nebraska-Omaha are leaving the WCHA for the new league.  These five schools have combined for a total won 17 national championships.  Miami (Ohio) is departing the  CCHA for the NCHC.

For those of you unfamiliar with college hockey, if such a shift were to happen in college football, it would be the equivalent of  (current sanctions notwithstanding) USC, Texas, Oklahoma, Alabama, Florida, Tennessee, Michigan, Ohio State, and Penn State all announcing they are leaving their current conferences and forming their own.

“The WCHA has changed pretty dramatically over the years,” Colorado College athletic director Ken Ralph said. “As we look at the institutions that are most like us from a hockey perspective, the institutions our fans like seeing and the institutions that are providing national media for us, it became a pretty defined group.

Such a shift was inevitable once the Big Ten sponsored men’s hockey as a league sport.  Once Penn State added hockey, the Big Ten had the needed six teams to form a conference once it gained Minnesota and Wisconsin from the WCHA and Ohio State, Michigan, and Michigan State from the CCHA.

This re-alignment will leave the WCHA with only five members: Alaska-Anchorage, Minnesota State, Bemidji State, and charter member Michigan Tech.

“Obviously, it’s a tough day for the WCHA and a sad one for me personally, and it’s not one that is easy to put into perspective,” WCHA commissioner Bruce McLeod said. “We wish everyone well, but make no mistake, the WCHA is not going away. . . The WCHA has a short-term plan that we will implement immediately. In the long-term, we will formulate a strategic approach that will ensure the well-being of this Association and its members for the long run.”

The CCHA fares a bit better…for now. As it stands now, the league will have seven remaining schools, the most notable being Notre Dame. However, their is a strong possibility the Fighting Irish will join the Fighting Sioux in the new conference.

The league, which intentionally didn’t define itself with one region of the country, may expand by the time it starts. The National, as it was called by coaches and athletic directors at Wednesday’s introductory press conference, covets adding Notre Dame as a seventh team. If the Irish come aboard, an eighth team is possible as well.

The thing that all college hockey fans must remember that such big shifts are not new.  Set the Wayback Machine for 1982 when Michigan, Michigan State, Notre Dame, and Northern Michigan all bid farewell to the WCHA for the CCHA. Two years later,  Boston College, Boston University, Maine, and New Hampshire were the vanguard of what became a seven-team defection from Eastern College Athletic Conference (ECAC) to form Hockey East.

I know you are all wondering…what does does J-Dub, North Dakota alum and fervent Fighting Sioux fan think of this?

First of all, everybody thought 1982 was some sort of apocalypse; everybody thought all those teams leaving the WCHA (more importantly, the split of the North Dakota/Michigan rivalry) was the death knell of the WCHA. In fact, the opposite was true. North Dakota and Michigan continued to be the pre-eminent programs in the game, and both the WCHA and CCHA flourished as conferences.

We weren't kidding...the man has a Fighting Sioux shower curtain.

The same held true for Hockey East. People thought it was bad for college hockey when Hockey East was formed and it strengthened the game in the East. Look at how many times Boston Fucking College has beaten the Sioux in the Frozen Four lately. That didn’t happen 20 years ago.

Not to mention, this will be good for the development of new programs. At the outset, we get a new Penn State program (fun for me, as I did some post-grad work there, and the Beaver Stadium experience is what hooked me on college football).  Since I literally now live spitting distance from the Purdue campus, you know I’m going to be doing whatever I can to get them to move hockey from a club sport up to the level of competing with the big boys; I sure as hell don’t want to have to keep get my college hockey fix in South Bend or via satellite.

But beyond my myopic needs, this could bring the college game into a growth period. The calculus works like this: a period of more conferences smaller in size instead of the double-digit alignments of today means six-team conferences like the  Big Ten and the new NCHC have slots for new programs. If I can get Purdue to pick up hockey, they are a no-brainer for the Big Ten. The non-regional nature of the new NCHC means it is rife with possibilities, ranging from adding members from existing, yet struggling conferences to welcoming newcomers.

Either way, the future of college hockey is at the same time different and bright.  I for one look forward to it.

The Top 10 Football Factories – And Some That Didn’t Make The List

With the NFL Draft looming, I found a list courtesy of the NFL Network featuring the schools consider to be the Top Ten Football Factories. We here at Dubsism took that list and crossed it against each schools three arguably most interesting players. Be mindful of the fact this list was devised and ordered by the NFL Network and not us, which is why before you write us nasty letters about it, wait for our comments at the end so you can be REALLY pissed when you comment.

10) Tennessee

Their  Top Three – Peyton Manning, Reggie White, Doug Atkins

Those are three top-flight hall-of-famers, and that’s only part of the reason why Tennessee belongs on this list. In terms of college football, Tennessee has a long history; the Volunteers were the power of the SEC before Bear Bryant and Alabama. Of course, recent history hasn’t been kind to the Vols, and that’s just fine with me, since Tenneesee still grinds my gears.

9) The Mid-America Conference (MAC)

Their Top Three – Jack Lambert, Ben Roethlisberger, Randy Moss

Honestly, this entry caused the most discussion amongst the staff here at Dubsism; at least no punches were thrown this time, but suffice it to say there are several staffers here who fervently believe it is wrong to include an entire conference. In defense of the MAC, that’s a pretty solid Top Three as compared to some of the others on this list. I would like to believe the MAC is here to represent the contributions of all small schools, but more importantly, look at what those three represent – a toothless psychopath, a multi-ringed “may-be” rapist, and complete douchebag.

8 ) Syracuse

Their Top Three – Jim Brown, John Mackey, Donovan McNabb

This is just the saddest story on this list; the classic case of how the mighty have fallen. In my lifetime, I’ve watched the Orange go from the pride of eastern football to a team that can barely stay afloat in the weakest big conference in football. I blame it all on Dick MacPherson, their Hall-of-Fame coach who steadily built the Orangemen into an Eastern football power. One of SU’s most stunning wins during MacPherson’s tenure came in 1984 when the Orangemen upset then No. 1 Nebraska, 17-9. MacPherson later bolted from the Orange, trying to parlay his success in college into a career in the NFL, but his two years stint with the New England Patriots..well, let’s just say calling it an “abject failure” is being kind. Sadly, the Orange have been rancid ever since.

7) Penn State

Their Top Three – Jack Ham, Lenny Moore, John Cappelletti

This is another case of a school getting its coach hired away by the New England Patriots. Back in 1972, the Patriots offered Joe Paterno a contract which have made him football’s first million-dollar coach, a contract which JoePa accepted. However, his tenure as an NFL coach lasted less than 12 hours; the morning after signing the deal, Paterno called the Patriots to tell them the deal was off. Had Paterno left, it is a certainty the Nittany Lions would have languished at the bottom of college football for decades; just look at what happened to Syracuse. Hell, it could have been worse, look at what happened to SMU when Ron Meyer left for New England.

6) Alabama

Their Top Three – Joe Namath, John Hannah, Derrick Thomas

Given their history, there is not anybody young or old who didn’t picture this team on this list. And why not? Alabama has always paid as well, if not better than any NFL franchise.

5) Michigan

Their Top Three – Dan Dierdorf, Tom Brady, President Gerald Ford

There’s only three other schools that have produced both a Super Bowl winning quarterback and a U.S. President – Navy (Roger Staubach/Jimmy Carter), Stanford (John Elway & Jim Plunkett/Herbert Hoover), and Miami of Ohio (Ben Roethislberger/Benjamin Harrison), but Michigan is the only one whose quarterback has won the Super Bowl three times (Tom Brady) and whose President was also an All-American offensive lineman. Despite that, Michigan also grinds my gears.

It saya a lot about Michigan when their alums appear on TV wearing Penn State gear.

4) Ohio State

Their Top Three – Jim Parker, Paul Warfield, Cris Carter

Another school with long history, and a new problem. Nobody can deny Ohio State has pumped hundreds of players into the NFL, but given the stuff swirling around the football program these days, one starts wondering how many hundreds are going to be pumped into the pockets of defense attorneys and bail bondsmen in the near future.  Given that, it shouldn’t shock anybody the effect Ohio State has on my gears.

3) Notre Dame

Their Top Three – Joe Montana, Paul Hornung, Alan Page

It is about time law enforcment looked into the Irish problem.

Now, Notre Dame is a team that produces more corpses with scissor-lifts and sexual assault reports than it does NFL talent, but let’s not forget this list is historically  all-inclusive.  The way things look in south Bend now, it is feasible the Fighting Irish could be moving down this list over time; Notre Dame doesn’t look to be a top-flight program anytime soon.

2) Miami, FL

Their Top Three – Jim Kelly, Ray Lewis, Michael Irvin

If Notre Dame represents the oldest of history, Miami is the other side of the college football coin; the Hurricanes were hardly a breeze until the 1980′s. But in that time they have produced an astonishing amount of talent. But they also spent most of the 80′s being completely hateable, leading to one of my favorite moments in all of college football – Pete Giftopoulous’ interception at the end of the 4th quarter of the 1987 Fiesta Bowl, giving Penn State the national championship over Miami.

1) Southern Cal

Their Top Three – Ronnie Lott, Bruce Matthews, O.J. Simpson

In most cities with multiple professional sports franchises, there’s a “pecking order” in terms who gets fan support no matter what; the team which is always in the spotlight.  In New York, the top of the food chain is inhabited by the Yankees and the Knicks. In Chicago, that honor belongs to the Cubs and the Bears. In Los Angeles, its the Lakers and USC. Make no mistake, the Trojans are every bit a professional franchise; they’ve got the NCAA sanctions to prove it. Long before that, there’s reason I called them them U$¢ (The University of Dollars and Cents).

The thing that really struck the staff here at Dubsism was not the teams on the list (other than that whole MAC thing), but some of the teams not on it.

Texas – Their Top Three – Earl Campbell, Bobby Layne, Tommy Nobis

Their exclusion has to be because for close to 25 years after the Darrell Royal era, for the most part Texas became an afterthought on the national landscape.

Oklahoma – Their Top Three – Lee Roy Selmon, Billy Sims, Tommy McDonald

The Sooners got left off the list for two words – Brian Bosworth.

Purdue – Their Top Three – Len Dawson, Bob Griese, Drew Brees

Ok, I know this one is a stretch, but I would put West Lafayette Vo-Tech Purdue on the list over an entire conference just on quarterbacks alone. Alabama is the only other school that has produced three Super Bowl winning quarterbacks (Bart Starr, Joe Namath, Ken Stabler) and the three produced by Purdue are to a man better quarterbacks than the three coming from the Tide. Then there’s all the other legit NFL quarterbacks this school has produced other than the ones already mentioned -  Gary Danielson, Bob DeMoss, Jim Everett, Jeff George (transferred/got kicked out to Illinois), Mark Herrmann, Mike Phipps, and the Greatest Athlete in the History of Ever, Kyle Orton.

Grambling – Their Top Three – Everson Walls, Doug Williams, Charlie Joiner

Eddie Robinson produced so much NFL talent – a list of the players he prepared for NFL success reads like a list of guys you forgot about, but when you read the list, its a never-ending parade of “how the hell did I forget that guy!” Look past the three we already mentioned – there’s still Buck Buchanan, Ernie “Big Cat” Ladd, Sammy White, Trumaine Johnson, James Harris, Willie Brown, Willie Davis, “Tank” Younger, and 1976 Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner.

Famous Sports Rivalries In Which I Hate Both Sides

The sporting world is full of rivalries which engender so much passion there are clear battle lines drawn between the camps. But what happens to those of us who may feel animus toward both sides? Here’s a list of several such examples that make the collective colon here at Dubsism slam shut like a steel bear trap.

12 ) Chicago Cubs vs. Chicago White Sox

It is almost impossible to find two teams that exemplify their shit-hole of a city more. Where better to put the two retarded little brothers of baseball who while steeped in history have accounted for one championship in 90 years than in one of the largest cities in the world that matters the least to anybody?

11) LeBron James vs. the City of Cleveland

Sometimes, you really have to wonder if we have completely succeeded in this country in growing a generation of complete morons we’ve put on pedestals. Nobody in the world would have blamed LeBron James for leaving Cleveland; nobody wants to be in Cleveland.  It’s little more than a “Mini-Me” to Chicago; a rust-belt, blue-collar city that nobody wants to be in; Cleveland’s population has been dropping steadily for 80 years. All he had to do was not be a douche-bag about it.  It really leaves you in a situation where you can’t figure out who is dumber, LeBron for screwing up a move millions of Clevelanders have made themselves or those same Clevelanders for managing collectively to sound like a bitter ex-wife.

10) Montreal Canadiens vs. Toronto Maple Leafs

Hate is actually too strong a term for this. The problem is the “Rhett Butler” approach is too weak, but it is closer to accurate.  Let’s face it;  I don’t really give a damn. I spent big chunks of my childhood in Southern California, which isn’t exactly where you develop strong feelings about Canadian hockey teams, and even though I loved the old-school Los Angeles Kings (seriously, we are talking about the pre-Gretzky Kings with the purple and gold uniforms that clothed an NHL retirement home; the Kings of my childhood featured such past-their-prime legends like Butch Goring and Marcel Dionne), you couldn’t watch the 12-team NHL of the 1970′s without knowing these two teams hated each other.  All I cared about in those days is that both of these teams arrived at the L.A. Forum with a boatload of Canadians who weren’t past their prime and put as ass-whipping on the Kings.  Even to this day, all I can say is “screw both of them; Canada sucks.”

9) Manchester United vs. Manchester City

For those of you not familiar with the English Premier League, picture this rivalry with the Red Devils of Manchester United as the New York Yankees with Manchester City as the old Brooklyn Dodgers. You perhaps didn’t really like the Dodgers, but they made a perfect underdog foil to those goddamn Yankees. But then the Dodgers went Hollywood, started winning and blew their lovability in the process, much like the Los Angeles Dodgers. 15 years ago, Man City was lovable in their feebleness, but then new ownership pumped that team full of money, and now they are every bit as douche-tastic as their cross-town rivals.

8 ) Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins

As a Philadelphia Eagle fan, this one is really a no-brainer. There’s an old saying that culture in an organization comes from the top down, and Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder are a marvelous reflection of that. While we here at Dubsism have postulated that Al Davis makes the Oakland Raiders the “North Korea of the NFL,” Jones and Snyder are both in line to ascend to the NFL’s “Crazy Old Man Owner” throne. Thankfully, their leadership (or lack thereof) has made these two franchises combine for a grand total of three playoff wins in the past 15 years.

7) Oklahoma Sooners vs. Texas Longhorns

Our Proposed Logo for the "Red River Rivalry"

The way these two preen over that silly Saturday in October…well, it really is sad to think either of these two believe anybody gives a shit about them or their “make-believe” rivalry.  It’s really sad that a couple of goofy-ass schools like Nebraska and Colorado are the ones who figured out the Big 12 is a repository for football nobody cares about.

6) Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings vs. Chicago Bears

This is much like the “love triangle” situation outline in the 1980 J. Geils’ Band hit “Love Stinks.” The Vikings think the Packers are their main rival, The Packers think the Bears are their main rival, and neither the Packers or the Bears even know who the Vikings are.

5) Arsenal vs. Chelsea

More from the English Premier League, so I will make another baseball reference…Earlier I compared Manchester United to the Yankees. Continuing on this theme, Arsenal would be the Red Sox and Chelsea would be the Mets, only if the Mets didn’t suck. They are two of the biggest clubs in the league, and they can buy pretty much any player they want. Whenever these two get together, it is an exercise in dysfunction that somehow manages to be successful, like a photo negative of the Dallas Cowboys.

4) Auburn vs. Alabama

When these two compete in the annual “Iron Bowl,” they are battling for the bragging right for the entire state of Alabama. This is like two bums fighting over the least piss-stained raincoat at Goodwill. Do you know what the best thing that ever came out of the state of Alabama was? An empty bus.  Alabama is just a collection of bimbos whose boyfriends still think Bear Bryant is alive, and Auburn thinks it is a real university.

3) Duke vs. North Carolina

What can we say about Duke that we haven’t said before? No matter their record, no matter their talent, no matter anything, Duke sucks.  As much as we have beat on Mike Krzyzewski for being a pompous ass-hat, North Carolina’s Roy Williams is in the same league, and not just figuratively. My favorite was last spring when Williams compared having a losing ACC record to the earthquake in Haiti.

“Our massage therapist told me, ‘You know, coach, what happened in Haiti is a catastrophe. What you’re having is a disappointment,’ ” said Williams. “I told her that depends on what chair you’re sitting in. It does feel like a catastrophe to me, because it is my life.”

I’m not sure what the state of North Carolina did to deserve such a pair of pure, uncut assholes, but better them than the rest of us.

2) Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees

The Yankees – Red Sox rivalry is one of the oldest, most famous and fiercest rivalries in North American professional sports.  For over 100 years, Major League Baseball’s Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees of the American League have been intense rivals.  For nearly as long, fans of both teams have thoroughly annoyed the living shit out of the rest of us.

The rivalry is sometimes so polarizing that it is often a heated subject, like religion or politics, in the Northeastern United States.  In fact, since ESPN is also based in the Northeastern US, they believe the Yankees and the Red Sox are the only two teams in Major League Baseball, judging by their broadcast schedule.

1) Michigan Wolverines vs. Ohio State Buckeyes

College football gives us the twelve greatest Saturdays of the year, and it also give us the two greatest evils in sports. Ohio State and Michigan both represent all that is wrong with college football, and every evil that it contains.  Recent events have shown that Jim Tressel, a.k.a. Cheatypants McSweatervest is a disingenuous, lying prick, and the Michigan fan base just hasn’t come to terms with the fact they are not an elite program anymore. I can only hope and pray that the NCAA grows the balls to make an example out of Ohio State, but they likely won’t, and I hope it takes Michigan at least three more head coaches before they figure out that “elite” programs don’t get man-handled by Purdue.

Nine Things We’ve Learned About College Football at the Halfway Point

1) Georgia isn’t as bad as they look.

Well, they’ve only beaten Tennessee and Roast Beef State Louisiana-Lafayette, and they aren’t going to a bowl game, but the calls for Mark Richt’s head are premature. I understand how losing to a sorry-ass Colorado team can give one cause to wonder, but settle down, Dawg fans. I understand you are in a “wait until next year” scenario, but Richt has won a lot of games for you and he isn’t done yet.  Now, if they lose at home to Idaho State, all bets are off.

2) Penn State is as bad as they look.

Yesterday catastrophe against Illinois confirm the suspicions that it may be a long season in State College.  This wasn’t just the effects of having a freshman quarterback; this was full-on, nuclear-powered, suck-assery not seen since the Zack Mills era. This team has all the talent to make big plays, if only they knew how to make big plays. Much like the aforementioned Georgia Bulldogs, this is a temporary condition. Unlike Georgia, the Nittany Lions may eke three more wins out of the schedule to become bowl-eligible, but don’t surprised if it doesn’t happen.

3) Defense now Optional in the The Big 12:

The scores tell the story.

• Nebraska 48, Kansas State 13
• Oklahoma State 54, Louisiana-Lafayette 28
• Texas Tech, 45, Baylor 38
• Arkansas 24, Texas A&M 17
• Utah 68, Iowa State 27
• Missouri 26, Colorado 0

Other than the anomalies of the putrid Colorado offense and Texas A&M playing a good SEC team, this is a conference in which one is smart to bet the over.

4) Michigan has now been sufficiently exposed.

 

You can't have 4 without Coach 4-Head

 

Forget whatever Denard Robinson does, or how much Kirk Herbstreit wants to blow him. As we’ve said before, he is the entire Wolverine offense and once you contain him, that team simply isn’t that good. It seems that a quarterback who can use his legs to create plays also can use his arm to throw three interceptions. But Michigan’s real weakness is defense. For the second week in a row, this unit gave up huge yardage; the anemic Indiana offense threw for nearly 500 yards, and Michigan State rolled up 536 total offensive yards. If this continues, well, see points #5 and #9.

5) Jim Harbaugh is having a very successful audition to replace Coach 4-Head.

Harbaugh’s resume: He turned Stanford into a Top Ten program, he’s beaten Southern California in consecutive years, his long NFL career gives him massive recruiting credibility and he’s a Michigan alum. The only question left is how much cash does it take to get him to head for Ann Arbor?

6) BYU will fail miserably as an independent.

Conference or not, making such a move when there is an aura of instability in the locker room can only spell disaster.  The irony is that in Bronco Mendenhall’s tenure at BYU has been all about steady success and a calm presence from its leadership. Those days are over as Mendenhall seems to be hitting the “panic button, ” announcing his most severe move yet during his tenure by firing defensive coordinator Jaime Hill. Mendenhall is going back to calling plays, and otherwise wants to have a greater hand in molding a struggling team that is off to the program’s worst start since 1973.

“I need to recapture the heart and soul of this team, and I am trying to position myself in a place where I can be most effective doing that,” he said. It seems an odd move, in part because BYU is about to face one of the country’s more efficient offenses in when the Cougars travel to TCU on Oct. 16.  Mendenhall said that merely demoting Hill wasn’t a possibility as there were philosophical differences that were too tough to ignore, or compromise.

“As a leader, there are pivotal times where there become, you can call them feelings, instincts, promptings, whatever you would like,” Mendenhall said. “And that’s exactly what I felt, and I chose to act on it immediately. I don’t expect it to be popular with anyone, other than I think I did the right thing for myself and our program, and it certainly was not easy, and it doesn’t mean I don’t care for coach Hill and his family, because I do.”

Translated, Hill didn’t jump when Mendenhall said “jump,” so he got the gate. Generally, failure follows such power struggles, and failure generally doesn’t help those looking to strike out on their own.

7) Florida can whip up on handicapped guys, and that’s about it.

This is only going to help the Gators if South Carolina replaces Stephen Garcia with Stephen Hawking.

8 ) South Carolina is for real

No matter what happens on the rest of their schedule, this weekend’s defeat of top-ranked Alabama is the signature win Steve Spurrier has been waiting for in Columbia. Sure, I thought it was winning in Knoxville a few years back, but that just proved to be the beginning of the end of the Fulmer regime on Rocky Top.  With the win over Alabama, and Florida’s loss to LSU, the Gamecocks find themselves as the front runners in the SEC East.

Barring any unforeseen catastrophes, the ‘Cocks-Gators clash November 13th in  Gainesville will have a trip to the SEC Championship Game riding on it. How will Gators fans feel watching the Ol’ Ball Coach help spell the end of Florida’s ownership of the SEC East?

9) The 2010 Coaches Death Watch:

 

Ralph Friedgen, pictured here as a small dog, survives...for now.

 

It is a certainty that some coaches will lose their jobs after this season. It is just a matter of picking which ones. In order to do that, we have ranked some likely candidates in order of the probability they will not return for next season.

Ralph Friedgen, Maryland: Metaphysical Certitude

It is a certainty that Maryland doesn’t want him back; they’ve already named his successor. The problem is they didn’t check the athletic department’s bank balance before they shot off their mouths; he has a $1.75 million salary, and there is some question as to whether the University of Maryland can afford to buy out his remaining contract. As fishy as that sounds, if all goes according to contract, Friedgen will retire in 2011 and James Franklin will become the new head coach.

Mike Locksley, New Mexico: Missing an Inside Straight Draw

This is a guy who should get fired just for being tied to two other guys on this list. Locksley was a running backs coach at Maryland under Ralph Friedgen, and he’s coached with Ron Zook at both Florida and Illinois. But he’s got reasons to get fired all his own. He’s had off-the-field distractions ranging from an altercation with an assistant to sexual harrassment charges from a secretary. On the field, he has improved the Lobos’ talent, but an 0-5 start another season lacking in much competitiveness could make it difficult for the brass to stand by him past Year 2.

Saves His Job If: His players turn his system into a winner by showing some promising signs or a big win over a team like BYU or TCU. He also has to keep his name out of the news from a ll the off-field stuff.

Gets Fired Because: The Lobos go 1-11 (or worse) again and he doesn’t stay out of trouble.

Tim Brewster, Minnesota: Spilling Coffee on Your White Shirt Just Before an Important Meeting

Brewster has his fans, but also as many detractors. He also has a booster base that built a new stadium, and they want their first Rose Bowl nearly a half-century. He took over a program that was destroyed by Glen Mason, and the rebuilding is going slower than most would prefer. That may not be realistic, but that’s the situation Brewster find himself in.

Saves His Job If: Somehow, he has to squeeze no worse than a 4-8 record out of a young and troublesome defense and an offense returning nine starters.

Gets Fired Because: Short of a big win in the rest of the conference schedule, the loss to South Dakota may have sealed his fate.

Paul Wulff, Washington State: Getting a Giant, Disfiguring Pimple Before a Big Date (or if you are over 40, suddenly discovering the importance of Viagra)

This poor guy took the job because he wanted to be a head coach, and this was the open job. But he can’t escape a 3-22 record.

Saves His Job If: He finds a way to come up with a conference win, double “saves his ass” points if it is against season-ending rival Washington. After losing the opener at Oklahoma State, the Cougars rebound with wins over Montana State and at SMU. At 2-1, Washington State will have some confidence as USC comes to town. If the Cougars can pull an upset at UCLA and against Arizona at home, a 4-8 season may be the best.

Gets Fired Because: He couldn’t meet even the minimal expectations in Pullman. Even in a short time, too many embarrassing losses have piled up during the Wulff era.

Dan Hawkins. Colorado: Toast Landing on the Floor Jelly-Side Down

How Hawkins survived after last season is a head-scratcher. It seems the “Friedgen Rule” might be in effect; Colorado can’t afford to gas him. Hawkins is 16-33 in four years in Boulder, and if there is another sub-par year in Boulder, they may have a telethon to raise money for the buy-out.

Saves His Job If: This team is made up of Hawkins’ players and they have all played a great deal over the past two or three seasons. If one can gamble one experience meaning anything, Colorado bets on catching a few breaks and reaches a bowl game.

Gets Fired Because: His bets don’t come in and Colorado decides it can’t have any more 52-7 losses at California heading into its first season as a member of the Pac-10.

Rich Rodriguez, Michigan: A Torrential Downpour When You’ve Left Your Sun Roof Open

I’m not sure we really need to belabor the point here…Rodriguez was expected to restore Michigan football glory, and it hasn’t happened in three years. Meanwhile, as previously mentioned Michigan alum is just upping the offer coming from his alma mater.

Saves His Job If: He has to either win a bowl game or beat Ohio State. Period.

Gets Fired Because:  Because nobody is going to get more than three years to win in Ann Arbor.  Jesus himself would be staying way from lumber stores in Michigan right about now…

Bob Toledo, Tulane: Having Your Drive-Thru Order Get Messed Up

Being that everybody took pity on New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, Tulane got a piece of that pity pie. But after five years, the bakery may be closing.

Saves His Job If:  Lets’ face it, short of Washington State, this team might have the lowest expectations on this list. The Green Wave has gone a swampy 9-27 in the last three years. All Toledo has to do is not finish last  in Conference USA again.

Gets Fired Because: He finishes last in Conference USA again.

Dennis Erickson, Arizona State: Getting Sunburned Even Though You Wore Sunscreen

Some coaches earn respect in this game to the point where there is a reluctance to fire them. Of course, it is a sliding scale. At one end is a guy like Ralph Friedgen, a guy who has not only effectively been fired, but he’s been fired like Milton from “Office Space.” They took his stapler, moved him into Sub-Basement B, but for some reason he still gets a paycheck. On the other end of that scale is Joe Paterno; statues are one thing, but when they put the coaches’ name on the library, they would have to find the Lindbergh baby in buried in his back yard, and even then they might only suspend him.

Erickson is a Hall of Fame caliber coach, so nobody at Arizona State wants to look as if they are giving him the bum’s rush. But he clearly hasn’t lived up to what the Sun Devil nation wanted. His National Championship experience was supposed to be reflected on the field. It wasn’t. His NFL experience was supposed to be reflected in recruiting. It hasn’t.

Saves His Job If: See Rich Rodriguez. Erickson either needs to get to a bowl game or beat the hated rival; in this case winning the ” The Duel in the Desert” looks like a tall order as Arizona is ranked an looks like they have a legitimate NFL quarterback leading them offensively.

Gets Fired Because: Right now, they are 3-3 with their only conference coming this past weekend on the road at Washington. That means they need to find three more conference wins out of this schedule:

Oct. 23 – @California
Oct. 30 – Washington State
Nov. 6 – @USC
Nov. 13 – Stanford
Nov. 26 – UCLA
Dec. 2 – @Arizona

The Sun Devils can forget about winning any of those road games. That also means they can’t count on the “beat the rival” card. Realistically, only the home date with Washington State is one they can feel confident about, nad UCLA is an honest “Maybe,” but other than that , the odds of picking up that third win look pretty slim.

Ron Zook, Illinois: Anybody who is a non-hot chick talking their way out of a speeding ticket

Many Chief Illiniwek lovers were hoping Ron Zook’s days in Champaign were over last year. However, it seems that getting the Illini into a Rose Bowl in 2007 was enough to get him another year. Besides, I think this weekend’s dismantling of Penn State in Happy Valley (for their Homecoming, no less) effectively saved his job. If he can get the Illini to beat in-state rival Northwestern in November, there’s no way he gets the gate.

Saves His Job If: He likely already has with the win at Penn State. This team has an outside shot a t a bowl game, with Big Eleven Ten puddles Indiana, Purdue, and Minnesota left on the schedule.

Gets Fired Because: The team completely collapses from here. If they fail to win another game and look ugly doing it, even the Penn State win won’t save him. But that isn’t likely to happen.

Lane Kiffin, USC: Data Insufficient, But There Is Cause For Concern

Honestly, I didn’t have Kiffin on this list until late Saturday night. I’m not sure how the loss to Stanford plays into the situation at Southern California, but it can’t help. The Trojan offense looks just fine; sophomore QB Matt Barkley has been solid, if unnoticed because of the Trojans’ fall from grace. However, he has completed 113 of 174 passes for 1,517 yards, 15 touchdowns, 4 interceptions. For whoever understands how this works, his passing efficiency mark of 162.03 is 14th best in the country.  Even in Saturday’s loss to Stanford, Barkley was 28-for-45 and a career-high 390 yards.

But the Trojan defense has borne the brunt of the blame. The Stanford loss only underscored the fact the USC defense can’t get many stops, especially the crucial, late-in-close-games kind. The Trojans rank 100th in the nation in total defense, allowing 428.67 yards per game.

Here’s where this gets dicey. Since Pat Haden arrived as the new Trojan athletic director, it has become clear that Kiffin simply isn’t “his guy.” Kiffin has no real head-coaching credibility, and in the wake of the scandals that have brought down the Trojan program, Kiffin is seen as an embodiment of those days.

Saves His Job If: Being in his first year as the USC head coach, he has to maximize his “new guy” status. His big problem is all the time he spent under Pete Carroll as an assistant at USC. Plus, if the boosters chalk it all up to a “probation” year and aren’t in the mood for a pound of flesh, Kiffin lives to die another day.

Gets Fired Because: Haden judges him on the sins of the past and other off-the-field criteria. On the field, that defense needs to stiffen now, otherwise their may be at least four foreseeable losses in the upcoming schedule:

Oct 16:    California
Oct 30:    Oregon
Nov 6:   Arizona St.
Nov 13:    @Arizona
Nov 20:    @Oregon St.
Nov 27:    Notre Dame
Dec 4    @UCLA

Plus, losing to Notre Dame and/or UCLA certainly won’t help.

Nine Things We’ve Learned From The First Two Weeks of College Football 2010

1) The ACC sucks. When the class of this league all gets beat on one weekend, including a Georgia Tech loss to a sinking Kansas program, and Virginia Tech spitting the bit against James Madison, it is getting safe to say whoever this conference puts in the BCS will be sure to treat us to a 30-point loss. The performances of Florida State and Miami at Oklahoma and Ohio State respectively underscore that.

 

Dear Virginia Tech: When you can't beat a president who has been dead for over 150 years...

 

2) South Carolina is a legitimate threat to win the SEC East. We’ve all  been waiting to see what would happen when Steve Spurrier finally got a quarterback in Columbia; combine that with the facts that Florida has serious problems on offense, Tennessee flat-out sucks, and the Gamecocks have already beaten Georgia, and Spurrier’s side seems to have the inside track to the SEC Championship game.

3) Notre Dame is a fraud, Michigan will have to wait a bit before they are exposed as one. Sure, Michigan’s quarterback Denard Robinson is a stud, but he is the entire Wolverine offense. Contain him, and the Wolvies become as toothless as they have been the past two years. The talk of Notre Dame winning eight or nine games needs to be over now. It’s entirely possible the Irish don’t win again until they host Western Michigan.

4) Speaking of Notre Dame, Joe Montana’s kid is terrible.

 

Nate Montana bears a striking resemblance to his father until he picks up a football.

 

After quarterback Dayne Crist’s mysterious eye injury, Nate Montana completed 8 unremarkable passes, nine if you include the interception that got him yanked. I hope you saw him on Saturday, because legacy or not, he ain’t seeing the field again for quite some time. He stares down recievers, he was completely inffectual moving the offense, which is really the reason why he’s the third-stringer.

5) Penn State’s Rookie Quarterback Will Be Very Good…Someday. Robert Bolden showed flashes of greatness; he also threw two terrible interception. But, he’s a true freshman; right now he barely knows how to pee with out help. But that will change. When it does, he is going to have a very deep stable of running backs like Silas Redd to make the future in Happy Valley so bright JoePa may need to go back to the Transistions lenses.

 

Ehhh...sure is bright in here. Is that Cappeletti?

 

6) It’s never to early to start a Coaches’ Death Watch. The three most likely guys feeling the heat under their kiesters at BCS schools are Ron Zook at Illinois, Dan Hawkins at Colorado, and Rich Rodriguez at Michigan. Although, after this week I think one may one may safely add Tim Brewster from Minnesota (losing to FCS South Dakota when the boosters are expecting a good bowl game since they are only a year removed from building first-class facilities) and Brian Kelly at Notre Dame. Sure I understand Kelly is only on his second game on the South Bend sideline, but let’s face it; expectations are so stupidly-high in South Bend even Jesus himself would onnly get three years to be in a BCS game…and he better win it, otherwise Notre Dame becomes גבירתנו של כסף overnight.

7) Dan Dierking is the most interesting player you’ve never heard of.

Dan Dierking rushed for 102 yards and two touchdowns to help Purdue beat Western Illinois 31-21 on Saturday in its home opener. Dierking has really stepped for the Boilermakers in the absence of Ralph Bolden. In all honesty, there are some legitimate concerns with the Purdue offense, but Dierking isn’t one of them. This shouldn’t come as a surprise; his father Scott was one of Purdue’s best backs during his days in West Lafayette in the 70′s. Bloodlines aside, how can you not love a 5’9″ 190-pound kid who benches a “clean” 435,  can run between the tackles, return kicks, and pees on the sidelines?

8 ) “Shower Discipline.” Really?

I thought this was a gag. But then I saw it involves Tennessee, and all surprise left me. It seems that a staph infection outbreak among several Vol football players left coach Derek Dooley with no option other than to conduct a team-wide clinic on proper showering technique and hygiene. I have to give Dooley credit here; he actually got these words out of his mouth while keeping a straight face:

“We’ve had a few staph infections, so we did a clinic yesterday on proper shower technique and soap and using a rag, Dooley said. We put some new rags in — y’all think I’m kidding, but I’m serious. We had, I told them, the worst shower discipline of any team I’ve ever been around. So we talked a little bit about application of soap to the rag and making sure you hit all your body. You know, you can neglect it trying to cut corners, and it shows in how you practice and elsewhere. I’m hoping we show some improvement in that.”

Oh, the questions this raises…How bad at showering and cleaning yourself do you have to be before your coach intervenes? Don’t you think that hygiene issues would have become very apparent during the two-a-day workouts? Did the Volunteers actually hire Bart Simpson as a training consultant for this exercise? Just what exactly is “shower discipline?” And after seeing pictures like this, are staph infections all Tennessee should be worried about?

9) We can dramtically simplify the Top 25 Rankings.

1. Alabama
2. Ohio State
3. Everybody else

The Annual Toilet Bowl

Once again we arrive at the annual eye-rape that is Michigan vs. Notre Dame. Remember the good old days when this game featured two good teams? Those days may be long gone, but that doesn’t mean this game still carries meaning.

Last year, this game was just another chance for embattled Irish coach Charlie Weis to save the rolls of skin that will become available after his next obviously needed gastric bypass. Weis was supposed to ressurrect the “storied” legend of Notre Lame. He failed.  Now that fatbag gets to back to doing what he does well; pretending to be an interesting coach under the tutelage of an established legend.

Now that Weis and Quinn are both in the AFC West, we can hardly wait for the tearful reunion.

Oops, my bad; Todd Haley isn’t an established legend, he’s a coaching flavor du jour whom Charlie Weis will destroy.  Much like the Kansas City Chiefs have been relegated to the backwaters of football success usually reserved for the Detroit Lions, oddly enough Notre Dame will fare little better. I’m sure Brian Kelly is a nice guy, and a qualified coach, but he’s doomed to fail.

If it weren’t for the bazillion dollars he’s getting, I’d feel sorry for him. But you can start the “Brian Kelly Death Watch” right now. Sure he’s 1-0 in his Notre Dame career, but unless he goes to a BCS bowl within three years or wins a National Championship within five, he will death-marched off to the oblivion usually reserved for ex-Notre Lame coaches. Just look at the fates that have befallen Irish coaches once they leave South Bend.

Kelly: Ten years from now, expect to see his face on a milk carton.

1981-1985: Gerry Faust – Compiles a somewhat shitty 43-53-3 record at Akron from 1986-1994. During that time, a Faust-led Zip team never cracks the seven-win mark.

1986-1996: Lou Holtz – Despite two Outback Bowl wins, Holtz’ tenure at South Carolina ends at 33-37. Holtz then retires again and is currently playing “Granny” in a remake of the “Beverly Hillbillies.”

1997-2001: Bob Davie – In a move that likely spelled the beginning of the end of the Irish program, Notre Lame convinces Davie to reject an offer from Purdue to come to South Bend.  Purdue instead hires Joe Tiller and in short order begins winning bowl games, a feat Davie never accomplishes. Even though Davie posted a 35-25 mark at Notre Lame, as of this writing he has not coached another down since his exile from South Bend.

2001: The George O’Leary fiasco.

2002-2004: Tyrone Willingham – When Willingham got fired for overseeing three years in the steady decline of the Irish program, there were many calls that Willingham’s firing may have been a racial issue. But being the community uniter he is, Willingham showed us that occasionally the Catholics get something right by going 11-37 in four season at Washington.  Now, if they would have only approved that Sour Cream and Onion Eucharist…

2005-2009: Charlie Weis – Oh the irony…Had it not been for Urban Meyer’s rejection of Notre Dame in favor of Florida, we may have never had to see Jabba the Weis waddling along a college sideline. Despite the fact that Weis posted a winning mark (35-27) at Notre Lame and took the Irish to two BCS games and delivered their first bowl win in 15 years, Weis single-handedly proves that the standards in South Bend are delusionally high. Time has yet to see how his exile back to the coordinator ranks in the NFL will play out, but history is not on his side.

The beauty of all this is now it’s Michigan’s turn to have the embattled coach. Granted, former Wolverine head coaches don’t end up with another coaching stint at Roast Beef State, they just die (Gary Moeller and Lloyd Carr are dead, right?). Obviously, Rich Rodriguez has a lot more pressing on his forehead than just a job.

As far as what may actually happen on Saturday is concerned, last year’s result is likely a good indicator of what we can expect. Both schools can move the football, and haven’t really shown they can stop anybody. Notre Lame benefited from a Purdue offense that really didn’t fire on all cylinders for three quarters; the one when it did, the Boilers moved the ball at will. Michigan had a similar situation with the Connecicut Huskies, but the sons of the Nutmeg State never had that quarter.

For those of you brave enough to stomach this, expect another Big 12-type “track meet” with Missouri Michigan prevailing over Baylor Notre Dame.

Penn State ’10 – The Last Year for the Big Eleven

That’s right, with the addition of Nebraska beginning in 2011, the Big Ten will have twelve members. Gone are the days of hiding the “ten that is actually 11″ thing Escher-like in the conference logo.

Gone are the days of my being able to refer to this league as the Big Eleven Ten (I will be sticking with Big Tweleveten beginning in 2011 unless they change the name.) And gone are the days of Penn State being the figurative new kid on the Big Ten block.

But when the focus is returned to this upcoming season, what isn’t gone are the days of Penn State having an early loss. In fact, the Blue and White may have doubled-down on that trend as the Nittany Lions face the first schedule ever that features three teams that won BCS bowl games, and two of them are scheduled in the first five games. Even better, there is some huge irony in the fact the Lions get to play the role of the Christians in the Roman era, as they get to face all three away from Happy Valley.

September 4 - Youngstown State

Let’s be honest. This is merely a tune-up, Youngstown won’t mount any real opposition; instead, they will be happy to take a Happy Vally seal-clubbing, and return to Ohio check in hand.

September 11  – @ Alabama

This easily could be the Ghosts of College Football’s past. Back in the days when Penn State was still independent, a Joe-Pa vs. Bear Bryant contest was a regular on the schedule. Not to mention the Nittany Lions routinely faced an SEC team in their usual bowl game.

What do Elvis and Bear Bryant have in common? Most Alabamians think they are both still alive.

Now it is Alabama who is coming off a National Championship and enters this season ranked at the top of the food chain. Penn State will face a daunting task to win in Tuscaloosa, but if they do, look for The Blue and White to rocket up the rankings.

September 18 - Kent State

The Golden Flashes should be just another little Ohio school coming to collect a pot of gold for being another Lions’ sacrificial lamb. Although they have a hope Youngstown State doesn’t; a letdown after the trip to Tuscaloosa.

September 25 - Temple

Once again, Temple will be the second MAC representative to face the Nittany Lion buzzsaw. They also will likely become the first one to lose to a Joe Paterno-led team 26 times. Once again, this will just continue to put the in-state rival from Philadelphia in sole possession of the distinction of suffering the most losses to a Paterno-led team.

October 2 – @ Iowa

Last year, I dubbed this game The Rolaids Bowl. This year, I have made it official; Iowa has replaced Michigan as one of two “red circles of seething hate” on my Penn State schedule (of course, the Ohio State Suckeyes being the other). How does this game get such a distinction? Because fucking Iowa always finds a fucking way to win this fucking game. The last time Penn State visited Iowa City, they left having to swallow that miracle field goal. Iowa also returns a very solid team from that which won a BCS game back in January.

One of the most under-appreciated movies ever.

Then there’s the “ugly numbers;” such as Iowa’s 7-1 record in their last 8 games against the Nittany Lions in this decade, Penn State’s 7-10 record in Big Eleven Ten openers, and are only 3-3 in conference openers at Happy Valley and you see why the PSU faithful may need to keep the antacids handy.

October 9 - Illinois

Linguists have discovered "Zook" is an old Illini word meaning "3-9."

Illinois represents the first conference foe toward which I am officially dismissive. The salad days of Juice Williams, Arrelious Benn, and Rashard Mendenhall are long gone, and odds are head coach Ron “I never met a Coke machine I couldn’t head-butt” Zook have will be gone soon as well. Zook is clearly on the list of guys who need to win to save their jobs. Going to Happy Valley after what is likely a Penn State loss on the road doesn’t bode well for Coach “Z”picking up a “W” here.

October 23 - @ Minnesota

This will be Penn State’s first visit to Goldy F. Gopher’s new home in TCF Stadium. Having lived in Minnesota last year, I can tell you personally this is a beautiful facility. It is even better if you don’t look at the team Minnesota puts on the field. This program defines mediocre; being just good enough to make a low-level bowl game, but never being able to get over that hump. The combination of the new stadium that brought heightened expectations from boosters coupled with the mediocrity which has spanned two different head coaches means Tim Brewster is beginning to reek of the same cologne of desperation in which Ron Zook and Michigan’s Rich Rodriguez are marinating.

October 30 – Michigan

See the entries for the previous two games. First of all, Mi-shit-gan is the second conference foe that can be summarily dismissed. The math is easy: the “spread offense” without any real talent equals Purdue at the end of the Joe Tiller era when the Boilers’ douchebag AD started screwing around with the team. Secondly, there is the aforementioned “cologne of desperation” oozing from Coach “Forehead” Rodriguez’ pores.

Could Coach Four-head be foretelling Michigan's win total?

Michigan supporters simply won’t support any further slippage of this program; its “bowl or bust” for Rodriguez, and like Zook, he isn’t likely to get a helpful outcome in State College.

November 6 – Northwestern

Honestly, Northwestern scares me when Penn State has to go to Evanston. The Blue and White have only ever lost three times to the Wildcats; two of those occurring in Illinois. While Northwestern has improved to the point where they are no longer everybody’s homecoming patsy, the Wildcats tend to become the declawed kitties in Happy Valley.

November 13 – @ Ohio State

This very easily could be the conference championship game.  I won’t go through the litany of “what if” scenarios; suffice it to say if Penn State and Ohio State enter this game with less than two losses each, the implications could be huge.

Last time he went to Columbus, Joe Paterno proved there is a formula for beating the Ohio State Penitentary University. The calculus remains the same this year; if you want to see a Penn State win, you want to see a plodding, ball-control type game with stiff defense on both sides, something akin to watching two sloths using a rock to break open a coconut. If that happens, the blue sloth will win by a field goal.

November 20 - @ Indiana (FedEx Field, Washington, D.C.)

Now for the streak that has taken on even more meaning in the last year. Since joining the Big Eleven Ten, Penn State is 13-0 vs. the Hoosiers. However, on this day, I happen to be getting married to an alum of Indiana’s biggest rival. And even though Purdue isn’t on Penn State’s schedule this year, if for some odd reason the Nittany Lions lose this game, I will have no choice but to get an immediate divorce as I will not be shackled to a jinx.

November 27  - Michigan State

Since some things never really change, I’m just going to quote myself from last year.

“Picture it…State College, in a closet somewhere deep in the recesses of Beaver Stadium sits the Land Grant Trophy. It has been there for years, draped in a towel with years worth of dust on it. It’s two days before this game, and nobody can remember where they left the damn thing…it won’t matter, because they won’t need it…The reason is simple: the Spartans are always out of gas when they get to this game…and this year will be no exception.”

The bottom line: expect The Nittany Lions to be in a bowl game; BCS in the best case, and no worse than New Year’s Day in any event.

Understanding The Conference That Was The Big Ten Through a Comparison to Classic Game Show Hosts

Since it seems the college football world is about to undergo the tectonic shift of conference re-alignment we’ve all been waiting for, it may be time for us here at Dubsism to introduce you to a conference and its members with whom you may not be all that familiar.

When it comes to the Big Ten, everybody has knowledge of the big dogs;  Ohio State, Michigan, and Penn State have all seen there share of the national television spotlight.  Regardless of  which new fan base will be entering the as yet to be enumerated conference on the shores of the Great Lakes, those fans are going to see teams on their schedules in the near future of which they likely will know absolutely nothing.

Luckily, there is a way to prevent such a tragedy. All sports teams have a personality; we here at Dubsism intend to enlighten those of you possibly  dawning a new era in the Big Eleven Ten by comparing a team which you may know little about to a better-known entity; in this case classic game show hosts.

1) Minnesota - Monty Hall: Let’s Make a Deal

There’s no one better for the Gophers; a team that loves to be 6-0 in October while pumping it’s fan base full of hope with some sort of statistical disguise (“Hey, we’re leading the nation in rushing!”). Of course, this is right before the Gophs give you the annual “bait and switch,” which usually comes in the form of seal-clubbings by any and/or all of Michigan, Ohio State, and Penn State.

2) Iowa - Wink Martindale: Tic-Tac-Dough

The Hawkeyes maintain their appeal in the Big Eleven Ten in much the same reason your mother always had a “thing” for Martindale. They were both just dirty enough to be oh-so-enticing, yet just respectable enough to get away with it. While you may not want to think about this, in the pre-Viagra days when Dad had trouble “delivering the mail,” the “Winker” ranked right up there with the UPS guy for priming Mom’s pump.

3) Wisconsin – Ed McMahon: Concentration

While you may not remember McMahon hosting a single episode of this gamer back in 1969, it never the less provides his bona fides as a game show host and therefore eligible to be included in this comparison. The extensive research staff here at Dubsism needed to dig up this qualifying fact as McMahon’s puffy jowls and bulbous nose exemplified the effects of the corn-liquor and dairy-laden diet of the average Wisconsinite.

4) Illinois – Rolf Benirschke: Wheel Of Fortune

Hiring a former kicker to host a game show. Getting a mediocre coach who likes to head-butt Coke Machines to lead a major conference program. What kind of ideas are those?

5) Northwestern – Bill Cullen: The $10,000 Pyramid

Cullen, and his coke-bottle specs, lived the part of the over-achieving nerdy kid who disappointed his mother by not going to medical school. This is just like the Wildcats who win just often enough to make you think there’s a brighter future in store for them; sadly that future never gets any brighter than the Sun Bowl.

6) Purdue - Chuck Woolery: Love Connection

Nobody was a bigger poser for “smooth” than Woolery; in actuality he was a hick from the sticks of Kentucky.  Remember on “Love Connection” how Woolery always played “Show Off” by ensuring his enormous Rolex watch was always in the shot? Purdue is one of those schools that despite the fact it hasn’t mattered to anybody for anything in 40 years still likes to flash its old watch which represents the faux prestige in having a name that covers its true identity of Indiana A&M. Oh, and it doesn’t count as a “Love Connection” when you get prison-raped by a MAC team.

7) Indiana - Bert Convy: Super Password

To really understand what the Hoosiers mean to Big Eleven Ten football, you have to go back to both Iowa’s comparison to Wink Martindale and understand what Wal-Mart means to shoppers. Wal-Mart is all about lower prices; when your mothers’ fantasies didn’t have enough money for champagne with the “Winker,” they were full of beer with Bert.

8 ) Michigan State - Gene Rayburn: Match Game

Damn…that sure felt like a Big Eleven Ten Championship season. Or, to put it in Rayburn-ese, “The Spartans looked like a contender until they got obliterated by ___________________.”

9) Michigan - Bob Barker: The Price Is Right

Even Gene Rayburn couldn’t make a better match than Michigan and Barker. They are just tough enough to get their ass kicked by Adam Sandler, yet wussy enough to have a cause (“Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets!). The Wolverine fan base is also getting a bit long in the tooth, yet somehow still appeals to young chicks.  In any event, you won’t have to worry about either of them anymore, unless Michigan hires Drew Carey.

10) Ohio State – Alex Trebek: Jeopardy

Only Trebek’s pompous assery could be fitting for THE Ohio State University. Trebek loves to act like he knows all those answers, when in fact without that little card he is always holding, he’s just Woolery. What better fit could there be than a state school in a hick town that feels the need to distinguish itself with its own stressed article? Besides, I’ve been waiting sooooo long to use that shirtless Trebek graphic.

11) Penn State - Jack Barry: The Joker’s Wild

Cue old guy jokes in 3…2…1…Much as Joe Paterno is the dean of college football coaches; a dean whose school has reflected his persona ever since the first time a Paterno-led Nittany Lion squad faced the Romans in the Philistine Bowl; Jack Barry was that old-school game-show host who wasn’t afraid to let you know when he thought you were being stupid. In fact, in a lot of ways, Barry was more like your grandfather who loved to wax nostalgic about the misery of the Great Depression and the slaughter of World War II and then call you a “pussy” because you weren’t there.

See Also: Understanding the Conference That Was The Big 12 Through a Comparison to Stuff in My Kitchen

Understanding the Conference That Was The Pacific 10 Through a Comparison to “Scrubs” Characters

The 2009 Dubsy Awards

Now that 2009 is in the books, it is time to recognize some truly great achievements in the world of sport that may otherwise go unnoticed. With that, I give you the 2009 Dubsy Awards.

The Mickey Klutts Award for Unfortunate Naming

It is bad enough to be accused of being a male hiding in a female body. It is worse to then be accused of being a hermaphrodite. And it can’t help to be both and have the word “semen” in your name. Which means there was really no choice but to give this award to South African runner Caster Semenya.

The Bobby Knight Award for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns

While there were several grand moments from which to choose, for me there was none better than the game-losing missed field goal by South Carolina against Georgia that obviously ripped Carolina coach Steve Spurrier’s guts out. While lacking in exuberance, this moment has all the subtle nuances that make genuine anguish so delicious. It’s that moment when the fall from grace is complete; dominance is now irrelevance, and the last vestiges of respectability are gone. You could tell then this was the moment Spurrier quit caring.

The defining moment – the Georgia state troopers fist-bumping as the Ol’ Ball Coach tests the bursting strength of his adult diaper.

The Bevo and Ralphie Award for Mascot Buffoonery

Most mascots on horses are meant to be somewhat intimidating. Both the Trojans and the Seminoles offer a guy with some sort of weapon thundering at you on horseback. The Virginia Cavaliers attempted this same scariness, because honestly, what’s more intimidating than a guy in a big, feathery hat? How about one that does an equine faceplant?

The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide

There was really no other choice but Oregon running back LeGarrette Blount for punching a Boise State player and offering to take on the whole stadium after he failed to back up his trash-talking on the field. Granted, there was a lot of talk about Tiger Woods, but in the end we knew that story was simply about just another rich guy who can’t keep it in his pants.

By failing to exercise even the slightest bit of self-control, Blount cost himself most of a season on the field and likely reduced his draft stock to meager/non-existent levels.

Even though he ended his career, at least Blount got his money's worth; that was a great punch.

The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call
Sometimes, you don’t even have to be animate to win a Dubsy. This highway sign reflects the immortal words of Jerry Reed, “When you’re hot, you’re hot.”

The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated

Given annually to the player who has become the biggest hero on the least accomplishment, thus making one wonder why said player is so popular. Despite that the namesake of this award was a New York Giant and married to a TV star, he was really best known for being the last white cornerback in the NFL, meaning you saw his name a lot on the back of his jersey as he was chasing another receiver who toasted his ass.

This year’s recipeient continues the tradition of this award’s winner being a defensive “star” in the NFL. The combination of the early season-ending injury to three-time Sehorn award winner Brian Urlacher and the fans of the Minnesota Vikings’ inexplicable love affair with a drunkard dime-store cowboy means the 2009 Sehorn Award belongs to Jared Allen.

Allen taking time between drunk driving arrests to look like a complete idiot in that hat.

Make no mistake about this douchebag’s over-rated nature. He piles up sack numbers against injury replacements or teams that are just flat out sorry like the Lions and the Rams, then becomes a complete non-factor against even moderate offensive line talent. He also is completely useless against the run regardless of the caliber of talent facing him.

It matters little as his drinking problem leaves him one relapse away from his 4^th DUI and subsequent suspension from the league.

The Clinton-Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility

The following three quotes are perfect examples of lies so preposterous they gave away the whole story.

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” – Bill Clinton

“I am not a crook.” – Richard Nixon

“I broke the window with a golf club to help get my husband out of the car.” – Elin Woods

Face it, we were all willing to let the whole Tiger Woods car accident thing go as a big “whatever” until we heard that lie. This was the statement that made you wonder why would a guy be fleeing his own house barefoot at three in the morning? Because he was being chased by his wife who wanted to part his hair with a 7-iron. Now, we all know why she was so interested in rearranging his skeletal structure.

The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness

The gold teeth are a nice touch, but this is all about the locks.

Granted, there is some wild hair going on in professional sports today; a lot of it being just the massive amount of locks sported by the Troy Polamalus of the world. But hair has always been an area of individual expression in the team sport world.

Back in the day, it was Artis Gilmore who broke the mold by being the first to sport the ridiculously huge afro. Sure, that look propagated itself, and is even paid homage to today (e.g. Ben Wallace), but the Dubsy awards committee has always recognized the trend-setter or the convention-breaker.

Hence,  one man stands alone with the audacity to embrace the platinum “Fro-Hawk.” The tip of the hat that should be hiding this hair goes to Chad Ochocinco.

The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying

Really, this is the one award we here at Dubsism would love to give to ourselves. Who would wouldn’t want to be recognized for good, old-fashioned partying fun that doesn’t come at the expense of others?

But this award really begs the question: How much does somebody need to acheive before they deserve to unwind a bit? Does one need to cure cancer, walk on the moon and win a Super Bowl for the Minnesota Cubs Vikings before puritanical America will cut them a break? Everybody hopped on Michael Phelps’ back for smoking a little doobage despite the fact that he is the antithesis of all those anti-drug commercials.

Partying is not a bad thing. Just don't let Jared Allen drive.

Face it, the guy didn’t spend his whole damn life eating microwave burritos and sponging off his parents; he won enough Olympic gold to give Fort Knox penis envy. Enjoy your award and your next party Michael Phelps. You deserve all the bong hits you want.