Back in 2005, the NCAA declared that Native American mascots were “hostile and abusive” and outlawed them. Eight years later, the fact they are still around may be the perfect example of why the NCAA is the standard by which one measures ineffective and hypocritical organizations. The fact the debate spread beyond that is even more of a damning statement.
In today’s installment of the Dubscast, J-Dub takes a critical look at how the NCAA really isn’t interested in “hostile and abusive” because it clearly makes decision based on other criteria it won’t tell anybody. It is important to understand this IS NOT a discussion as to whether these mascots are “offensive,” you will need to get past that debate in order to see the bigger picture in play in this issue.
In other words, after checking out this episode of the Dubscast, you will need to decide for yourself why the NCAA either cannot or will not enforce its own rules.
Now that my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a profanity-filled tirade about shit I don’t like. This promises to be a particularly nasty edition since for the first time in the history of my filling out brackets, I’ve lost both teams I had playing on Monday Night in the first weekend tournament. So, since I can’t like this tournament anymore, here comes the bile…
In alpha-suck-abetical order:
Now that my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, and now that my teams are out, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a profanity-filled triade about shit I don’t like. And since I can’t like this tournament anymore…
In alpha-suck-abetical order:
When the hell did Baylor start to mean anything in college sports? Whatever happened to the good old days when Baylor was just the “free square” in the bingo card that was the Big 12 schedule? I blame women’s basketball; after they gave up immolating religious whackos, that was the first sport anybody in Waco anybody paid any attention to until a few years ago, and it’s only gotten worse now that Joakim Noah plays for their womens’ team.
If I were a doctor and were going to give the state of Ohio an enema, Cincinnati is where I would stick the nozzle. What amazes me is that this miasma of suck has two universities, and both of them got into the Sweet Sixteen (more on that later). Shit-cinnati is a subtle blend of all that is wrong with city-living and all the suck that bucolic splendor brings. Want to know what walking down a street in downtown Cincinnati is like? Dress all the zombies from “The Walking Dead” in Ohio State shirts, Bengals hats, all in various states of filth and mis-sized. If you get past this parade of freaks who will attempt to panhandle you to death, you get the upscale Cincinnatians who are all rude and pretentious just because they have reservations at the “Steak and Shake” that has tablecloths.
I think the above photo says it all. That’s the university president.
I know this may be hard for anybody under 50 to realize, but there was a time within the last 30 years where a college basketball team in Indiana could actually win something. Obviously, that was never Purdue or Notre Dame , and it got so bad in the land of basketball people were actually rooting for Butler…fucking Butler. Calling Butler “real college basketball” is like calling a hot dog “real meat.” Now that Indiana is back in the Sweet Sixteen for the first time in a decade, every in-bred slackjaw south of Fort Wayne is resplendent in his IU 1981 NCAA Champs t-shirt that he wore while doing a lube job on his 1985 Ford pick-up truck, because nothing hides your sister-mom’s DNA like a few quarts of Quaker State.
The fundamental problem is that Kansas fans believe that they should win every single year, and when the Jayhawks don’t, their fans cocoon themselves in this layer of false history. Jayhawk fans think the entire sport is their birthright; that its history is proprietary to Kansas simply because their legendary coach Phog Allen was rumored to be Dr. James Naismith’s gay lover. To understand this fraudulent nature, let’s break down that history they love so damn much. First of all, while Naismith was the inventor of basketball, he didn’t invent it in Kansas. Do you know what did get invented in Kansas? Shooting people over slavery. But that’s not as “feel-good” as believing your basketball team is historically elite.
It says all you need to know about Kentucky to notice this is a program which replaced Tubby Smith with Billy Gillespie, then replaced him with career criminal John “Don’t Drop the Soap” Calipari. Think about that; this is a program so myopic they dumped the last guy to win anything for them and ultimately ended up with a guy who has managed to make Final Four appearances disappear at two different schools because of NCAA violations. Despite the fact that other than last year, they hadn’t earned a trip to the Final Four in thirteen years, UK fans still believe they are relevant, and will continue to think that even after this season inevitably gets wiped off the books. It must be a great time for bail bondsmen in Lexington.
Dear Residents of Louisville,
Let me explain to you why nobody has any respect for your city. First of all, to be a world-class city, you have to settle on a standard pronunciation. You would never see a sign the like the one above in a real city. Secondly, you keep describing your city as the “capital of Kentuckiana.” If it weren’t bad enough there is no such place, you’ve created one out of the two worst parts of two of the worst states in America. Combining Indiana with Kentucky is like joining infected, oozing hemmorhoids with a bowel obstruction.
Now, let’s talk about this basketball team for minute, shall we? Somebody in Louisville needs to tell Rick Pitino that coaching basketball in Kentucky in a building called the KFC Yum! Center while wearing white suits is just begging for “Colonel Sanders” jokes…and having a bird mascot doesn’t help. I’ll get you started – “Cardinal basketball – a special blend of eleven secret fouls and turnovers.”
Since Marquette is a catholic school in Wisconsin, insert your own “alcoholic pedophile” joke here. That also means they really aren’t worth thinking about, so here’s exactly what I said about them last year. I think you will find it is all pretty much still true.
This place ought to be renamed The University of Gutless. Marquette’s basketball team used to be known as the Warriors, until every member of their board of trustees grew multiple vaginas and decided AGAINST the will of the student body and the alumni that the nickname was “insensitive to Native Americans.” Of course, this completely ignores the fact that a “warrior” is defined as a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate combatant class. There’s a whole range of cultures to which that applies, ranging from the Bushido Samurai to the Spartans. Yet, the pointy-heads at Marquette decided it could only apply to those who when they cash their government checks get blind-drunk on the “firewater,” then build casinos.
This begs another important question. Since when does the Catholic Church give a flying fuck about political correctness? Don’t forget that Marquette is a Jesuit school, and the Jesuits aren’t just garden-variety papists; they are the Waffen-SS of Catholicism. They can show up in any diocese and do whatever the hell they want, and the local bishop can’t say shit to them. In other words, these aren’t exactly the guys who cower at a bunch of soccer moms who think “we might be being mean to the Indians.”
If that weren’t enough, the Catholic Church as a whole isn’t exactly the “canary in the coal mine” when it comes to being sensitive to public opinion. In fact, their only recent change on the position of contraception is it is acceptable to use a condom only when the altar boy has diarrhea.
Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the Big Twelevten in this tournament; Wisconsin, Ohio State, Indiana, and Sparty. They all really do the same thing. They get into the tournament, and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Kentucky. But Michigan State deserves a special layer of scorn and derision as they aren’t even an original member of the Big Tweleveten. They didn’t join until 1949 when it was still known as Michigan State Sit When You Pee College and Tire Care Center.
Once again, I will quote the good people at Deadspin since I can’t improve on the accuracy of their assesment.
No school has benefited more from having an archrival who happens to be even more haughty and douchetastic. I’m onto you, Tarheels. You think just because you hate Duke that you can sneak by without anyone hating your fucking guts. But you are WRONG. But the truth is that, if Duke didn’t exist, YOU would be Duke. You’d be the most hated program in the country, what with your gross sense of entitlement and Dickie V lapping up Roy Williams’ seminal fluid like it’s cereal milk. You people owe Duke a steak dinner for covering up so much of what makes you despicable.
FACT: Every three seconds, a person in the North Carolina wilderness is being raped. I drove through the state once, and you see the forests on the side of the road and you just know, twenty feet in, someone has a penis inside them that they don’t want inside them. North Carolina is also the only state where it’s legal to rape someone and fish at the same time.
North Carolina State
Thanks to the fact that Georgetown’s John Thompson III is one of the shittiest tournament coaches in the history of shitty tournament coaches, I’m going to have to re-live this moment about a bazillion times between now and the time NC State wakes up and remembers they are NC State. 1983 was almost 30 years ago, Jim Valvano is dead, so is Lorenzo Charles, and NC State is still the school people only go to when they can’t get into to Appalachian State.
According to the good folks at Listverse, Ohio University is the most haunted university in the country.
This should not be a surprise. It is well known and documented that Ohio University is perhaps one of the most haunted places in the world. From ghost teachers that talk to students, sounds and voices heard in sealed rooms, to an entire ghost basketball team, this campus is truly full of haunts. Nearly every single building on campus has at least one ghost associated with it. In a place literally full of ghosts, one manages to stand out among the rest. Wilson Hall is said to be one of the most haunted buildings in the United States, and was featured in the TV series “Scariest Places on Earth”. A female student practicing satanic rituals supposedly died violently in room 428. While this story has no real backing, what is true is that school officials have closed and sealed the room because no student could live in it peacefully. Voices are heard throughout the halls, doors lock and unlock, open and close on their own, and ghostly figures wander the building. The building is also dead center of a pentagram formed by five cemeteries which surround the campus. Rumor has it that this building itself was built on top of an old mental hospital cemetery, however this was proven to be untrue.
So in other words, this university has a student body that gets wigged out by the same kind of faux spooks that even Shaggy and Scooby-Doo could figure out in under 30 minutes. Perhaps this means we will see Daphne and Velma on the court for the Bobcats come this weekend.
Even though he was a football guy, nobody was a more loyal Buckeye than Kirk Herbstreit, and even he was giving double-birds out the window on his way out the the shit-hole formerly known as Columbus. In other words, even he had to split town because he only fellated the statue of Woody Hayes once a day rather than the expected thrice. This is exactly the problem with Buckeye fans; they have so little else that unless you swear your undying devotion and back it up on an hourly basis, they declare you a heretic and kill your house pets. In all honesty, the best description I’ve ever read about Ohio came from the good people at Deadspin:
“We make fun of Ohio here at Deadspin an awful lot, and with good reason. If you placed an electrified cupcake in the center of the state, half the population would be dead by morning. And the other half would be asking for extra sprinkles.”
What else can you say? These are the people who expect perfection while investing only idiocy; the kind of people who try to “return” foster children after they’ve raped them. Buckeye fans belong in that same circle of hell reserved for pederasts, people who run scams on the elderly, and deadbeat fathers.
Syracuse fans are always bitching because they feel they never get any respect. Half the time, they don’t deserve it, like when they kept trying to tell me Gerry McNamara was the best scorer in college basketball. The other half of the time they spend missing the point; like during all that McNamara twaddle they forgot they had Carmelo Anthony.
Then there’s this year. First, longtime assistant and Jim Boeheim’s right-hand man Bernie Fine was accused of sexually molesting two young boys. To top that off, it seems Fine’s wife may or may not have slept with players while they were members of the team. Then it was revealed that the school violated its own drug policy and that the school may or may not have reported it to the NCAA years ago. And if that weren’t enough, Fab Melo was ruled out of the tournament because may or may not have been academically eligible this semester.
Despite all that Syracuse, makes the big dance as a #1 seed, and advances to the sweet sixteen. The fun part: Earlier this season, when Syracuse was #1 in the AP poll they received 61 out of 65 first-place votes, and Syracuse fans, after all the shit that team had been through, did nothing but bitch about the four writers who didn’t vote Syracuse first.
As long as the state of Wisconsin exists, R.J. Reynolds will never go broke since they own Kraft Foods, Miller Beer and Marlboro cigarettes, which happen to be the three dietary staples in America’s Dairyland. Sconnies drink and smoke on an Olympic level because Wisconsin basketball is to watch four sausage-fed forwards and one guard who doesn’t play like Herman Munster. It’s hard to watch, hence the Wiscy-level of drinking, which easily can put even the most moonshine-riddled southern peckerwood to shame. If you see a Badger fan on the street, crash him over the head with the nearly-empty whiskey bottle he’s carrying and bring him to the local hospital for a liver transplant. He will need it, trust me.
Here’s a fun, yet useless fact I’ve been hearing all day: there are as many schools from the city of Cincinnnati (2) left in the tournament as there are from either the SEC (2), Big 12 (2), or ACC (2). Here a more accurate statement. There are as many teams from those conferences that anybody gives a shit about as there are from the entire state of Ohio. Whats’ funny is that at the beginning of the season, Xavier and Cincinnati got into a brawl in a game for intra-city bragging rights. This is like two bums fighting over the least piss-stained raincoat at the Salvation Army.
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Several important football lessons were learned this weekend, both in the college ranks and in the NFL. So, without wasting time on a clever introduction, let’s just cut to the important stuff…
1) What Do Cam Newton and Notre Dame have in common?
To be blunt, they are both now officially over-rated. The Irish are getting all sorts of love for beating a Michigan State team that couldn’t stop shooting itself in the face, and Newton hung up another 400+ yard passing performance against a team that couldn’t put pass-rush pressure on him. The fun part is they are both over-rated for the same reason…they both committed three turnovers, which is NEVER acceptable. In the case of Notre Dame, the only reason they won is because Michigan State did a better job of beating themselves than the Irish did. When it comes to Newton, passing yard totals are nice, but one touchdown to three picks isn’t going to fly in this league…ever. A nice start for getting off the over-rated list would be for Notre Dame to beat a real team away from the shadow of “Surrender Jesus,” and for the Cam-shaft to win a ballgame, period.
2) The Early Leaders in Terrible
The Kansas City Chiefs, Indianapolis Colts, and the Minnesota Vikings. The Chiefs and the Colts just flat-out have no hope, and the Vikings found a way to blow a double-digit lead late. These three teams may not win 10 games combined.
As far as the NCAA is concerned, it was hard not to notice how overmatched Ohio State looked against Miami. For that matter, it was hard not to notice that most of the Big Twelevten looked generally shitty. There’s the aforementioned Michigan State debacle. Then there’s the Penn State offense, which looks like eleven shock-therapy patients whacked out on Goofenthal. The only Big Ten team which didn’t look lousy against real competition was Iowa, and that was only in the fourth quarter.
3) The Redskins are STILL not as good as they look
And that goes for the Bills and the Lions as well. There are teams with a 2-0 mark after two weeks; the Patriots, the Packers, the Jets, the Texans, the Bills, the Lions, and the Redskins. There’s no way all of those last three are making the playoffs. However, I’ve got to give credit to Mike Shanahan for one thing…even though Rex Grossman still sucks, he sucks less than Donovan McNabb.
4) Bronco fans are retarded
Check out the mindset behind this billboard.
“We believe in Coach Fox. We’re just tired of Kyle Orton. We were sitting around after Fox said he didn’t hear the chants for (Tim) Tebow and we figured if he’s deaf, we hope he’s not blind.”
It’s crap like this that makes me think Denver doesn’t deserve an NFL team. First of all, the Broncos have been mediocre at best for close to fifteen years. The last few years have been a long, slow descent into suckitude, and there’s no way Tim Tebow changes that.
If you don’t believe that, look at it this way. If you say you believe in John Fox, then it is time for you to remember he has coached a team in the Super Bowl far more recently than the Broncos have been there, and Fox damn near beat the Patriots with a hump like Jake Delhomme as his quarterback. That means John Fox has forgotten more than you will ever know about what it takes to be a quarterback in the NFL, Mr. Bronco Fan.
That also means if you believe in John Fox, then you would also believe that he’s correct in saying Orton is the better starting quarterback than Tebow. Instead, you are out putting up billboards showing off your idiocy.
If you hadn’t noticed, Tebow isn’t even qualified to handle the clipboard. Remember, John Fox knows more than you, and John Fox’s number two man isn’t Tebow…it’s Brady Quinn. Let that sink in for a moment; a guy who knows waaaaaay more than you about quarterbacks thinks even BRADY FREAKING QUINN rates better on the depth chart than Tebow. So, where’s the “Start Brady Quinn” billboard?
Pull your heads out of your collective asses and understand something about Orton. He has a winning record as a starting quarterback despite the fact he’s played for Lovie Smith and Josh McDaniels, two coaches who have combined for exactly two winning season since 2006, and Orton was the starting quarterback in BOTH of them. He has a record of 22-10 as a starter at home; he DOESN’T suck.
Tebow is your future for a host of reasons, not the least of which is this guarantees Orton leaves town as a free-agent, and no other decent quarterback will sign on to be the guy you boo in favor of Timmy Rah-Rah. But the future isn’t now, and you need to come to terms with that. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… Kyle Orton is not, repeat IS NOT the reason the Broncos suck.
5) Tony Romo showed some balls
I can’t believe I’m defending Tony Romo in two consecutive weeks, but all the people who piled on him last week now have to give credit where it is due. Leading a comeback in overtime after suffering a cracked rib counters everything that was said about Romo last week; namely he’s soft and he chokes in big-game moments. Granted, he needs to pull moments like yesterday more often, but he can only do it one Sunday at a time.
Because we are into the greatest 12 weekends of the year, it is also time to remind some people of just who they are. In other words, we are taking the pre-season Dubsism Top 25 and reminding them that they suck. Let’s be honest, a big part of college football is trash-talking. This is exactly why I intend to go through the Top 25 and say awful things about every team and state involved.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Bear Bryant is dead, and it is high time you assholes quit running around in those houndstooth hats.
More importantly, with all the schools now getting caught for (insert NCAA violation here) it really just has to be a matter of time before Alabama gets caught (again). It’s been a program so dirty Mike Rowe should be investigating it.
If the world of college football were a bunch of children, Oklahoma would be the one you tell its OK to take candy from strangers. There really is nothing quite like the crap OU fans will put you through as they are reminding you what a storied program the Sooners are. Of course, they generally have to do this after Oklahoma’s most recent choke-job against (insert lousy Big 12 doormat here or crushing bowl game loss here).
Ten years ago, you didn’t need to pay attention to this team and its seizure-inducing uniforms. Now, since they’ve made it a point to recruit every Los Angeles street thug even USC won’t touch, we have to hear about them every year. Thankfully, now they’ve scheduled a real game in September, so hopefully we won’t need to hear about how great they are just because they can handle Washington State. Seriously, if you are going to pay to illegally obtain recruiting film, do it so you can beat somebody worthwhile.
As long as the state of Wisconsin exists, R.J. Reynolds will never go broke since they own Kraft Foods, Miller Beer and Marlboro cigarettes, which happen to be the three dietary staples in America’s Dairyland.
Honestly, Wisconsin is like Penn State and the SEC had an illegitimate child. Joe Paterno himself couldn’t construct a better offense based on gargantuan, sausage-fed offensive lineman and a bruising running back who eats contact like candy. Then, their is the Wiscy-level of drinking, which easily can put even the most moonshine-riddled southern peckerwood to shame.
LSUcks. I mean, they’ve won two titles in the last decade, but neither should count. The first was just Nick SabaNazi splitting the love with Petey Cheaty TrojanFace and the second was beating arguably the most over-rated (and by “over-rated” I also mean “terrible,” and by that I mean “Ohio State”) teams ever allowed in a BCS Title game. Not to mention Les Miles is a complete mental case.
Where do I start? First of all, there is the fact that finally this team is in a real conference, which means they get to go somewhere more interesting than the land of endless Kansas they’ve been imprisoned in for decades. Nothing can improve your situation more than never having to go to Kansas ever again.
Plus I still think Big Tweleveten should have deferred Nebraska’s admittance until they specifically defined what a “Cornhusker” really is. I’ve been told it is just a guy who beats off in a cornfield a lot, and I just don’t think that is appropriate. Not to mention it totally changes my view of “popcorn.”
Oh, and Tom Osborne molests collies.
7) Florida State
What can you say about an institution that makes the University of Florida look good? Florida State is the “strip mall” of universities, and it is exactly that level of non-sophistication which makes it perfect for Tallahassee, which is actually the capital city of Lower Alabamida.
8 ) Boise State
I’m so tired of this team. They’ve been playing this “David” bit against everybody else’s Goliath, and I’m totally over it. This is a team that has been living off that Fiesta Bowl win over Oklahoma a few years back, and they haven’t won anything meaningful since. Join a real conference and play a real schedule, otherwise you are just a western Notre Dame.
How can anybody have any respect for a school which is supposed to be full of the uber-smart, yet it can’t even figure out its own mascot. The nickname is the Cardinal, not the bird or the pope-in-training, but the color. Somehow, this color is represented by an ass-eating tree. No wonder I weep for the future of this country.
10) Oklahoma State
You almost want to feel sorry for Oklahoma State…almost. The only people who go to Oklahoma State are the ones who couldn’t get into Oklahoma. That’ s gotta hurt all by itself; it’s like going to Costco because you couldn’t even get a membership at Sam’s Club. Worse yet, imagine having to deal with that kind of rejection while living in Stillwater. Even people in Tulsa think Stillwater sucks.
Oklahoma State fans think somehow the success of their basketball team means anything to football fans. Their chants at football games are generally some unintelligent ramblings about the other teams love for male genitalia. Of course, the hoards of douchebag fans which inhabit Stillwater have nothing but time to be so creative as the average OSU female tends to prefer female genitalia. This is why it is metaphysical certitude one of them will start carving up hookers and dumping them under T. Boone Pickens Stadium.
11) South Carolina
Gamecocks… What else do I need to say? The jokes write themselves. Feel free to contribute your own.
12) Texas A&M
Legend has it that the “A&M” in Texas A&M used to stand for “All-Male.” We’ve also noticed the” aTm” on the Aggies helmets represents a particularly nasty acronym, and I don’t mean “at the moment.” I’m just sayin’…
13) Virginia Tech
It used to be that Virginia Tech was the poster child for over-rated, waste-of-time East Coast football. Then Virginia Tech and Miami joined the ACC supposedly forming a superconference. That idea got so screwed up I’m surprised Barack Obama wasn’t involved in it. But since they are on the East Coast this team for some reason is always a “dark horse” national title contender. Tech is good for 10 painfully boring wins and an equally boring bowl victory. Honestly, watching a Virginia Tech game is like watching ice melt, except not as exciting.
There’s being a fan; then there’s going too far. Somehow you just know this is less about “supporting the team” and more about greasing the railsl for a serious discussion with the family about Daddy’s transvestism.
Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet. All this really accomplishes is to see which Christian Texas asshole school gets to lay claim to cookware. Big deal. What should really play happen is BYU should play Notre Dame every year so we can see which Christian asshole school won’t be a BCS buster.
- noun, often capitalized \ˈshä-dən-ˌfrȯi-də\
- Definition of SCHADENFREUDE: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others
- Origin of SCHADENFREUDE: German, from Schaden “damage” + Freude “joy”
- First Known Use: 1895
I’m going to enjoy this so much…words can’t describe how much I hate Lane Kiffin. He’s college football’s equivalent to that kid at your office who only has the job because he’s somebody nephew or frat brother or some other connection which has absolutely nothing to do with his crushing incompetence. I can’t even begin to describe how fun it is going to be watching this pompous pseudo-fruit hurtle over the NCAA cliff. I hope the they find out all the crap he did at Tennessee, then I hope they find more stuff he did at USC, then I hope they ban him from the game.
That won’t happen, but it would be fun to see Kiffin’s slime trail return USC to the Paul Hackett era, when the Trojans couldn’t beat TCU in the Sun Bowl. God, what a sweet time that was.
17) Ohio State
I should leave this section blank, because I was really raised to believe that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. But if I were to do that, then this whole article would be blank. What else can you say about Ohio, a state where the rivers catch fire and sodomizing a relative is considered a proper form of greeting? Seriously, Ohio is the reason why “To Catch A Predator” exists; 8 Saturdays a year 100,000 Buckeyes cram themselves into Ohio Stadium, which is the anus of the Big Ten. The best thing I can say about Ohio is somehow it manages to let those hillbilly dipshits from the SEC have self-esteem.
18) Michigan State
Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the Big Twelevten teams who aren’t Wisconsin, Ohio State, or Penn State. They all really do the same thing. They become bowl-eligible, and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Mississippi State “We Both Humped Our Sisters, But Our Accents Are Weirder” Bowl. What makes Michigan State different is their coach who enjoys having heart-attacks after game winning field goals.
Auburn has a long tradition of hiring mouth-breathers as coaches. There was the runt of the Bowden litter, then there was “Dumbo” Tuberville, and now there’s Gene Chizik. Chizik is an over-hyped bag of guts, which is perfect for a school full of frauds, closet racists, and over-inflated egos. Honestly, all that separates Auburn from being a southern-fried Notre Dame is the dark and barbarous Catholic Church.
20) Mississippi State
If you can’t play football, at least give us slutty, naked cheerleaders. This marks Mississippi State’s first measure of relevance in nearly a century.
Don’t be mislead by the production, this isn’t a book, it’s a pamphlet. You can’t fill a whole book with “Be ranked until you play Oklahoma.”
There’s a reason why they call it “UGAy.” Seriously, it doesn’t take much to figure out all those good, ol’ boys at Sanford Stadium secretly bat for the other team. After all, it was a dead give away when we noticed they love to wind down after their annual “Queer Beating” by doing the world’s biggest “elephant walk.” At least they aren’t playing “soggy biscuit” anymore…I think. Not to mention “Deliverance” was set in Georgia. I wonder if Georgia football makes Ned Beatty clinch up just a little.
Gainesville represents the epicenter of culture in Florida, which means they have log sculptures of Tim Tebow and they change the urinal cakes at the stadium once a season.
24) Penn State
There is a rule out that says you can’t say anything bad about Joe Paterno, because he is the dean of college football. He is 643 years old, which is why he doesn’t seem to have the sense of urgency needed to beat a bunch of nipple-gummers like Iowa or Ohio State. The last time he had a sense of urgency was when he ran off the field to take a dump a few years ago. It matters little as he will win more Big Tweleveten titles, even if it means we see a robotic JoePa patrolling the sidelines of State College.
25) Arizona State
These two tongue-lappers are a perfect representation of Arizona State. First, since they know they have been passed by Mississippi State on the slutty cheerleader scale, they get desperate for attention. This is the only reason girls like this make out with each other; so you’ll see past their sluttiness because they know every straight guy in America has that “two chicks” fantasy. The problem is they rarely will go all the way, much like Sun Devil football hasn’t seen a Rose Bowl since Jake “the Snake” Plummer.
Editor’s Note: For purposes of full disclosure, J-Dub is an alum of the University of North Dakota and is a fervent Fighting Sioux hockey fan. In fact, that’ s his real fat ass all Sioux-ed up. For Christ’s sake, the man has a Fighting Sioux shower curtain. We mention this only for purposes of stating up front this article may be written with a bit of a bias. If you disagree, feel free to comment, or start your own blog. Either way, you’ve been warned.
College football isn’t the only sport in the NCAA experiencing a tectonic shift in it’s conference alignments. Two of its oldest and most storied leagues are breaking up and re-forming a college hockey world that will look very different from the way it does today.
The Western Collegiate Hockey Association (WCHA) will celebrate its 60th anniversary this fall. The Central Collegiate Hockey Association (CCHA) turns 41. However, it is these two leagues which will be the most effected by the announcement yesterday that the National Collegiate Hockey Conference (NCHC) will begin play in 2013-14 with some of the game’s most powerful programs as charter members.
Perennial power North Dakota, defending national champion Minnesota-Duluth, along with Denver, Colorado College,and Nebraska-Omaha are leaving the WCHA for the new league. These five schools have combined for a total won 17 national championships. Miami (Ohio) is departing the CCHA for the NCHC.
For those of you unfamiliar with college hockey, if such a shift were to happen in college football, it would be the equivalent of (current sanctions notwithstanding) USC, Texas, Oklahoma, Alabama, Florida, Tennessee, Michigan, Ohio State, and Penn State all announcing they are leaving their current conferences and forming their own.
“The WCHA has changed pretty dramatically over the years,” Colorado College athletic director Ken Ralph said. “As we look at the institutions that are most like us from a hockey perspective, the institutions our fans like seeing and the institutions that are providing national media for us, it became a pretty defined group.
Such a shift was inevitable once the Big Ten sponsored men’s hockey as a league sport. Once Penn State added hockey, the Big Ten had the needed six teams to form a conference once it gained Minnesota and Wisconsin from the WCHA and Ohio State, Michigan, and Michigan State from the CCHA.
This re-alignment will leave the WCHA with only five members: Alaska-Anchorage, Minnesota State, Bemidji State, and charter member Michigan Tech.
“Obviously, it’s a tough day for the WCHA and a sad one for me personally, and it’s not one that is easy to put into perspective,” WCHA commissioner Bruce McLeod said. “We wish everyone well, but make no mistake, the WCHA is not going away. . . The WCHA has a short-term plan that we will implement immediately. In the long-term, we will formulate a strategic approach that will ensure the well-being of this Association and its members for the long run.”
The CCHA fares a bit better…for now. As it stands now, the league will have seven remaining schools, the most notable being Notre Dame. However, their is a strong possibility the Fighting Irish will join the Fighting Sioux in the new conference.
The league, which intentionally didn’t define itself with one region of the country, may expand by the time it starts. The National, as it was called by coaches and athletic directors at Wednesday’s introductory press conference, covets adding Notre Dame as a seventh team. If the Irish come aboard, an eighth team is possible as well.
The thing that all college hockey fans must remember that such big shifts are not new. Set the Wayback Machine for 1982 when Michigan, Michigan State, Notre Dame, and Northern Michigan all bid farewell to the WCHA for the CCHA. Two years later, Boston College, Boston University, Maine, and New Hampshire were the vanguard of what became a seven-team defection from Eastern College Athletic Conference (ECAC) to form Hockey East.
I know you are all wondering…what does does J-Dub, North Dakota alum and fervent Fighting Sioux fan think of this?
First of all, everybody thought 1982 was some sort of apocalypse; everybody thought all those teams leaving the WCHA (more importantly, the split of the North Dakota/Michigan rivalry) was the death knell of the WCHA. In fact, the opposite was true. North Dakota and Michigan continued to be the pre-eminent programs in the game, and both the WCHA and CCHA flourished as conferences.
The same held true for Hockey East. People thought it was bad for college hockey when Hockey East was formed and it strengthened the game in the East. Look at how many times Boston Fucking College has beaten the Sioux in the Frozen Four lately. That didn’t happen 20 years ago.
Not to mention, this will be good for the development of new programs. At the outset, we get a new Penn State program (fun for me, as I did some post-grad work there, and the Beaver Stadium experience is what hooked me on college football). Since I literally now live spitting distance from the Purdue campus, you know I’m going to be doing whatever I can to get them to move hockey from a club sport up to the level of competing with the big boys; I sure as hell don’t want to have to keep get my college hockey fix in South Bend or via satellite.
But beyond my myopic needs, this could bring the college game into a growth period. The calculus works like this: a period of more conferences smaller in size instead of the double-digit alignments of today means six-team conferences like the Big Ten and the new NCHC have slots for new programs. If I can get Purdue to pick up hockey, they are a no-brainer for the Big Ten. The non-regional nature of the new NCHC means it is rife with possibilities, ranging from adding members from existing, yet struggling conferences to welcoming newcomers.
Either way, the future of college hockey is at the same time different and bright. I for one look forward to it.
That’s right, with the addition of Nebraska beginning in 2011, the Big Ten will have twelve members. Gone are the days of hiding the “ten that is actually 11″ thing Escher-like in the conference logo.
Gone are the days of my being able to refer to this league as the Big Eleven Ten (I will be sticking with Big Tweleveten beginning in 2011 unless they change the name.) And gone are the days of Penn State being the figurative new kid on the Big Ten block.
But when the focus is returned to this upcoming season, what isn’t gone are the days of Penn State having an early loss. In fact, the Blue and White may have doubled-down on that trend as the Nittany Lions face the first schedule ever that features three teams that won BCS bowl games, and two of them are scheduled in the first five games. Even better, there is some huge irony in the fact the Lions get to play the role of the Christians in the Roman era, as they get to face all three away from Happy Valley.
September 4 – Youngstown State
Let’s be honest. This is merely a tune-up, Youngstown won’t mount any real opposition; instead, they will be happy to take a Happy Vally seal-clubbing, and return to Ohio check in hand.
September 11 – @ Alabama
This easily could be the Ghosts of College Football’s past. Back in the days when Penn State was still independent, a Joe-Pa vs. Bear Bryant contest was a regular on the schedule. Not to mention the Nittany Lions routinely faced an SEC team in their usual bowl game.
Now it is Alabama who is coming off a National Championship and enters this season ranked at the top of the food chain. Penn State will face a daunting task to win in Tuscaloosa, but if they do, look for The Blue and White to rocket up the rankings.
September 18 – Kent State
The Golden Flashes should be just another little Ohio school coming to collect a pot of gold for being another Lions’ sacrificial lamb. Although they have a hope Youngstown State doesn’t; a letdown after the trip to Tuscaloosa.
September 25 – Temple
Once again, Temple will be the second MAC representative to face the Nittany Lion buzzsaw. They also will likely become the first one to lose to a Joe Paterno-led team 26 times. Once again, this will just continue to put the in-state rival from Philadelphia in sole possession of the distinction of suffering the most losses to a Paterno-led team.
October 2 – @ Iowa
Last year, I dubbed this game The Rolaids Bowl. This year, I have made it official; Iowa has replaced Michigan as one of two “red circles of seething hate” on my Penn State schedule (of course, the Ohio State Suckeyes being the other). How does this game get such a distinction? Because fucking Iowa always finds a fucking way to win this fucking game. The last time Penn State visited Iowa City, they left having to swallow that miracle field goal. Iowa also returns a very solid team from that which won a BCS game back in January.
Then there’s the “ugly numbers;” such as Iowa’s 7-1 record in their last 8 games against the Nittany Lions in this decade, Penn State’s 7-10 record in Big Eleven Ten openers, and are only 3-3 in conference openers at Happy Valley and you see why the PSU faithful may need to keep the antacids handy.
October 9 – Illinois
Illinois represents the first conference foe toward which I am officially dismissive. The salad days of Juice Williams, Arrelious Benn, and Rashard Mendenhall are long gone, and odds are head coach Ron “I never met a Coke machine I couldn’t head-butt” Zook have will be gone soon as well. Zook is clearly on the list of guys who need to win to save their jobs. Going to Happy Valley after what is likely a Penn State loss on the road doesn’t bode well for Coach “Z”picking up a “W” here.
October 23 – @ Minnesota
This will be Penn State’s first visit to Goldy F. Gopher’s new home in TCF Stadium. Having lived in Minnesota last year, I can tell you personally this is a beautiful facility. It is even better if you don’t look at the team Minnesota puts on the field. This program defines mediocre; being just good enough to make a low-level bowl game, but never being able to get over that hump. The combination of the new stadium that brought heightened expectations from boosters coupled with the mediocrity which has spanned two different head coaches means Tim Brewster is beginning to reek of the same cologne of desperation in which Ron Zook and Michigan’s Rich Rodriguez are marinating.
October 30 – Michigan
See the entries for the previous two games. First of all, Mi-shit-gan is the second conference foe that can be summarily dismissed. The math is easy: the “spread offense” without any real talent equals Purdue at the end of the Joe Tiller era when the Boilers’ douchebag AD started screwing around with the team. Secondly, there is the aforementioned “cologne of desperation” oozing from Coach “Forehead” Rodriguez’ pores.
Michigan supporters simply won’t support any further slippage of this program; its “bowl or bust” for Rodriguez, and like Zook, he isn’t likely to get a helpful outcome in State College.
November 6 – Northwestern
Honestly, Northwestern scares me when Penn State has to go to Evanston. The Blue and White have only ever lost three times to the Wildcats; two of those occurring in Illinois. While Northwestern has improved to the point where they are no longer everybody’s homecoming patsy, the Wildcats tend to become the declawed kitties in Happy Valley.
November 13 – @ Ohio State
This very easily could be the conference championship game. I won’t go through the litany of “what if” scenarios; suffice it to say if Penn State and Ohio State enter this game with less than two losses each, the implications could be huge.
Last time he went to Columbus, Joe Paterno proved there is a formula for beating the Ohio State Penitentary University. The calculus remains the same this year; if you want to see a Penn State win, you want to see a plodding, ball-control type game with stiff defense on both sides, something akin to watching two sloths using a rock to break open a coconut. If that happens, the blue sloth will win by a field goal.
November 20 – @ Indiana (FedEx Field, Washington, D.C.)
Now for the streak that has taken on even more meaning in the last year. Since joining the Big Eleven Ten, Penn State is 13-0 vs. the Hoosiers. However, on this day, I happen to be getting married to an alum of Indiana’s biggest rival. And even though Purdue isn’t on Penn State’s schedule this year, if for some odd reason the Nittany Lions lose this game, I will have no choice but to get an immediate divorce as I will not be shackled to a jinx.
November 27 – Michigan State
Since some things never really change, I’m just going to quote myself from last year.
“Picture it…State College, in a closet somewhere deep in the recesses of Beaver Stadium sits the Land Grant Trophy. It has been there for years, draped in a towel with years worth of dust on it. It’s two days before this game, and nobody can remember where they left the damn thing…it won’t matter, because they won’t need it…The reason is simple: the Spartans are always out of gas when they get to this game…and this year will be no exception.”
The bottom line: expect The Nittany Lions to be in a bowl game; BCS in the best case, and no worse than New Year’s Day in any event.
Since it seems the college football world is about to undergo the tectonic shift of conference re-alignment we’ve all been waiting for, it may be time for us here at Dubsism to introduce you to a conference and its members with whom you may not be all that familiar.
When it comes to the Big Ten, everybody has knowledge of the big dogs; Ohio State, Michigan, and Penn State have all seen there share of the national television spotlight. Regardless of which new fan base will be entering the as yet to be enumerated conference on the shores of the Great Lakes, those fans are going to see teams on their schedules in the near future of which they likely will know absolutely nothing.
Luckily, there is a way to prevent such a tragedy. All sports teams have a personality; we here at Dubsism intend to enlighten those of you possibly dawning a new era in the Big Eleven Ten by comparing a team which you may know little about to a better-known entity; in this case classic game show hosts.
There’s no one better for the Gophers; a team that loves to be 6-0 in October while pumping it’s fan base full of hope with some sort of statistical disguise (“Hey, we’re leading the nation in rushing!”). Of course, this is right before the Gophs give you the annual “bait and switch,” which usually comes in the form of seal-clubbings by any and/or all of Michigan, Ohio State, and Penn State.
The Hawkeyes maintain their appeal in the Big Eleven Ten in much the same reason your mother always had a “thing” for Martindale. They were both just dirty enough to be oh-so-enticing, yet just respectable enough to get away with it. While you may not want to think about this, in the pre-Viagra days when Dad had trouble “delivering the mail,” the “Winker” ranked right up there with the UPS guy for priming Mom’s pump.
While you may not remember McMahon hosting a single episode of this gamer back in 1969, it never the less provides his bona fides as a game show host and therefore eligible to be included in this comparison. The extensive research staff here at Dubsism needed to dig up this qualifying fact as McMahon’s puffy jowls and bulbous nose exemplified the effects of the corn-liquor and dairy-laden diet of the average Wisconsinite.
Hiring a former kicker to host a game show. Getting a mediocre coach who likes to head-butt Coke Machines to lead a major conference program. What kind of ideas are those?
Cullen, and his coke-bottle specs, lived the part of the over-achieving nerdy kid who disappointed his mother by not going to medical school. This is just like the Wildcats who win just often enough to make you think there’s a brighter future in store for them; sadly that future never gets any brighter than the Sun Bowl.
Nobody was a bigger poser for “smooth” than Woolery; in actuality he was a hick from the sticks of Kentucky. Remember on “Love Connection” how Woolery always played “Show Off” by ensuring his enormous Rolex watch was always in the shot? Purdue is one of those schools that despite the fact it hasn’t mattered to anybody for anything in 40 years still likes to flash its old watch which represents the faux prestige in having a name that covers its true identity of Indiana A&M. Oh, and it doesn’t count as a “Love Connection” when you get prison-raped by a MAC team.
To really understand what the Hoosiers mean to Big Eleven Ten football, you have to go back to both Iowa’s comparison to Wink Martindale and understand what Wal-Mart means to shoppers. Wal-Mart is all about lower prices; when your mothers’ fantasies didn’t have enough money for champagne with the “Winker,” they were full of beer with Bert.
Damn…that sure felt like a Big Eleven Ten Championship season. Or, to put it in Rayburn-ese, “The Spartans looked like a contender until they got obliterated by ___________________.”
Even Gene Rayburn couldn’t make a better match than Michigan and Barker. They are just tough enough to get their ass kicked by Adam Sandler, yet wussy enough to have a cause (“Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets!). The Wolverine fan base is also getting a bit long in the tooth, yet somehow still appeals to young chicks. In any event, you won’t have to worry about either of them anymore, unless Michigan hires Drew Carey.
Only Trebek’s pompous assery could be fitting for THE Ohio State University. Trebek loves to act like he knows all those answers, when in fact without that little card he is always holding, he’s just Woolery. What better fit could there be than a state school in a hick town that feels the need to distinguish itself with its own stressed article? Besides, I’ve been waiting sooooo long to use that shirtless Trebek graphic.
Cue old guy jokes in 3…2…1…Much as Joe Paterno is the dean of college football coaches; a dean whose school has reflected his persona ever since the first time a Paterno-led Nittany Lion squad faced the Romans in the Philistine Bowl; Jack Barry was that old-school game-show host who wasn’t afraid to let you know when he thought you were being stupid. In fact, in a lot of ways, Barry was more like your grandfather who loved to wax nostalgic about the misery of the Great Depression and the slaughter of World War II and then call you a “pussy” because you weren’t there.
Fans of this conference are all too familiar with this situation. One upset tosses the standings into a potential collision between at least four teams, leading to the usual punditry about tie-breakers and “if team x beats team y” scenarios. How fitting was it that the catalyst upset for the 2009 Train Wreck was brought to you by the team with a train in it logo?
Purdue 26, Ohio State 18
Current Boilermaker quarterback Joey Elliot got a text message from the last Purdue signal-caller to beat the ranked Buckeyes. Elliot said Drew Brees had a simple message for him: “Hey, go out there and shock the world, have fun. I’ll be watching.” Apparently, he heeded the words of the Boiler legend, leading Purdue to its biggest upset in years. Elliot welcomed Ohio State to Ross-Ade by tossing 281 yards and two touchdowns as the Boilermakers dominated (yes, I said dominated) No. 7 Ohio State 26-18.
Really, the game was not as close as the score suggested. One could construct an argument that Terrelle Pryor gave the game away with his two interceptions and two lost fumbles; there is no denying this was another ugly Saturday for the Buckeye offense. Last week’s offensive sputter-fest against Wisconsin allowed for Ohio State’s defense and special teams to bail out Pryor. But this week, Purdue capitalized by winning the turnover battle; turning Ohio State miscues into points.
Not only does this game help create the aforementioned logjam in the standings, but it also likely brings about the end of some exceptionally noxious stats held by the Ohio State Penitentiary University.
- This was the first time tOSUPU was defeated by an unranked team for the first time since Illinois in 2007.
- The Buckeyes have won at least a share of the last four Big Ten crowns; keeping that streak alive means at least needing back-to-back wins at Penn State and at home against Iowa.
- Ohio State blew a chance to tie the Big Ten record of 17 straight conference road wins.
- Ohio State has played in four consecutive BCS games; two losses and counting put an end to that.
“Yeah, it hurts,” said Buckeye quarterback Terrelle Pryor. “Right now, we’ve just got to be worried about the Big Ten because the national championship is gone.”
Juice Williams took that 2007 Illinois team past tOSUPU and on to Pasadena. Even though this Purdue team had lost five straight coming in to this game, and even though they will struggle to make a bowl game, there is still Hope in West Lafayette. Purdue fans had clearly started to give up on this team; half the crowd at Ross-Ade was dressed in Ohio State red. But they may have tossed in the towel too soon.
Even in those five losses, Purdue nearly upset a Top Ten-caliber Oregon, and Notre Dame needed a last-minute touchdown to vanquish the Boilers. But against Ohio State, the Boilermakers pulled off their first win over a ranked team since 2003. In fact, in what may become first-year coach Danny Hope’s first signature win, the Boilermakers scored their first win against a ranked Ohio State squad since 2000.
Penn State 20, Minnesota 0
Nothing says global warming quite like a homecoming game in Happy Valley dressed in six inches of snow. So there was no doubt in your mind about the authenticity of the snow, the geniuses at ESPN thought the 45% of American households slated to view this sloppy muck-fest should get some quality footage of Holly Rowe shoveling snow during her report on College GameDay.
Frankly, the shovel duty was more interesting than the game; and the vaunted PSU student section must have agreed as vast numbers of them stayed home. But to be fair, who wants to see what may be the worst team in the Big Eleven Ten not currently in Indiana.
Michigan State 24, Northwestern 14
One could have a spirited debate over who is the best team amongst the conference contenders at this point. However, even in the heat of that battle there would be agreement; it ain’t the Spartans. With three straight losses in their first four games, it would have been easy to give Michigan State up for dead. To be honest, it still is.
Beating Northwestern only means that the Spartans are back to the level of beating teams they are supposed beat. Michigan State clearly should have beaten Central Michigan, and had superior talent to Notre Dame, but couldn’t get the job done in either case. This doesn’t bode well for a team that still has to beat Iowa and Penn State if they have dreams of roses.
Iowa 20, Wisconsin 10
In what could have been dubbed “The Battle of the Surprise Contenders,” The Hawkeyes knocked the Badgers out of the ranks of teams with only one conference loss. In the process, Iowa has somehow moved to 7-0 and continues to look like the front-runner for the conference championship and a BCS bowl berth, especially in light of Ohio State’s gag-job in West Lafayette.
Once again, Iowa found itself behind in the second half on the road against a conference contender. The Hawkeyes already showed they have brass ones having rallied from a 10-0 deficit at Penn State. Now, they brush the Badgers aside on a 10-yard touchdown run by Adam Robinson early in the fourth quarter, and the Hawkeye defense did the rest, holding the Badgers scoreless in the second half.
Where does this leave the race in the Big Eleven Ten? Well, lets’ examine the contenders at this point in the season.
Iowa: Still undefeated and already beat Penn State; still has road games at Michigan State and Ohio State
Goes to Pasadena If: They only lose once the rest of the way, but not to Michigan State
Doesn’t Go to Pasadena If: They lose twice, or if they lose once and Michigan State wins out
Michigan State: Has only one conference loss, and has a favorable schedule; the only real test coming when Penn State visits East Lansing.
Goes to Pasadena If: The Spartans win all their remaining games, and Iowa loses
Doesn’t Go to Pasadena If: They lose again or Iowa wins out
Ohio State: Two losses, but only one in conference; has yet to face Iowa or Penn State.
Goes to Pasadena If: The Buckeyes beat Iowa and Penn State, Michigan State loses in-conference again, and Iowa loses twice.
Doesn’t Go to Pasadena If: They lose again or Iowa loses only once (not to Ohio State)
Penn State: Already a loss to Iowa, has yet to face Michigan State or Ohio State
Goes to Pasadena If: The Nittany Lions beat Michigan State and Ohio State, and Iowa loses twice.
Doesn’t Go to Pasadena If: They lose again, Ohio State doesn’t lose again, Michigan State doesn’t lose again or Iowa loses only once to anybody
Of course, this will all change as the back half of the season plays out, but no matter what, Saturday’s events in West Lafayette will play a large role in who goes to Pasadena.