Tag Archives: Lane Kiffin

The Fifth Annual Dubsy Awards

heisman guy

Every January since this blog was created, we here at Dubsism have given an award for achievements during the previous year in some under-recognized categories in the world of sports. In prior years, the nominations for the awards were done exclusively by an internal committee, but we’ve had so much success allowing nominations from the general public that we had no choice but to continue that. .

Between our committee and our valued readers, we had more quality nominations than we could ever possibly use.  Thank you so much for that. When we received an outstanding nomination that proved to be a winner, we made sure to recognize those who submitted it. However, we did also receive nominations on multiple ballots that proved to be winners. If you see a winner that you nominated, and you weren’t credited, just know that you weren’t the only one who had the same idea.

With that, and after careful consideration, here are the winners of the Fifth Amnnual Dubsy awards.

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I’m Not Sure Which Part of the Lane Kiffin Firing I Like More

To see the source of this picture, look up "Smarmy Fuckwad" in your dictionary.

To see the source of this picture, look up “Smarmy Fuckwad” in your dictionary.

Well, it seems that you just are not allowed to lose a t USC.  After the Trojans went 4-7 in their last 11, including Saturday night’s seal clubbing at Arizona State in which the Trojans were busted for 62 points,  it was clearly time for head coach Lane Kiffin to get fired.

When I say fired, I don’t mean “Hey, Lane, the athletic director wants to see you in his office 9 a.m. sharp Monday morning.” I mean the story is being reported that USC AD Pat Haden pulled the trigger on Kiffin at 3 a.m. Sunday after the team had returned from the slaughter in Tempe.

There’s so many parts to this story to love, I simply have no idea where to start with them all.

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What We’ve Learned From This Football Season – The Aftermath Of “Black Monday” Edition of the 2012 Coaches Death Watch

sword of damocles

Let’s start with the college guys who still had jobs as of our last update:

Mike Price, UTEP

What We Said:

After going 8-4 in each of his first two years, Mike Price has clinched his seventh consecutive losing season at UTEP and has no contract for next year. Color him toast.

What Happened:

Price avoided the ax by retiring.

Paul Johnson, Georgia Tech

What We Said:

Johnson came into this job with some high hopes, and since winning the 2009 ACC title, he’s gone just 18-17 at Georgia Tech, including a 4-5 mark so far this season. Johnson biggest supporter, athletic director Dan Radakovich,  just left for Clemson.  The ground Johnson is standing on is shakier than Oprah Winfrey’s back fat.

What Happened:

Johnson seems to have survived for another season, but if what happened at this year’s Georgia-Georgia Tech game is any indication, things better turn around soon.

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Guest Column: Al Davis “I’m Not the Only One Who Hated Lane Kiffin”

Now that I’m dead, I can finally tell the story about how I hate that smarmy little cocksucker Lane Kiffin.

First off, I should have never hired that little asshole. A lot of people tried to warn me about that move. I thought making that little shit the youngest coach in NFL history would put me back amongst the “movers and shakers” of the league. Maybe those people were right, maybe I was a pants-shitting, senile old fool. What the hell was I thinking putting a 31-year old in charge of an NFL franchise? A 31-year old kid hardly knows how to jerk off let run run a football team.

So, in his first eleven games, the little bastard goes 4-7, and it’s clear I made a mistake.  So, I try to get him to resign, and that little son-of-a-bitch basically tells me to go fuck myself.  I let it go, but when he takes the team to 1-3 in the start of the 2008 season, I had to fire him. Know what that little asshole did then? Takes me to court…well, not court, but some goddamn arbitrator who he fed some bullshit about “wrongful termination.”

Too bad Sonny Boy forgot the old man has a few lawyers of his own. I made sure that arbitrator heard about all the bullshit Kiffin pulled here;  he broke all kinds of league rules and lied about all kinds of shit, which is why the arbitrator said my firing his ass was “with cause.”

If he does things at USC the same way he did them here, they’ll be dropping a net on him down there as well. Now, I know a lot of people think I’m just a bitter old dead guy, and I know he probably hates me too, but I don’t give a damn because I’m not the only one who hated that little prick.

Start with those folks down at Tennessee. I wish they would have called me before they hired that guy.  It was barely two weeks after that arbitrator’s ruling that I hear rumors that he is going to be hired at Tennessee. Sure as shit, they made the same mistake I did, except they didn’t get the chance to fire his ass. Barely a year later, he ran out of town on them to take the USC job.

To see the source of this picture, look up "Smarmy Fuckwad" in your dictionary.

To top it off, it seems Kiffin may have been pulling some skank duty and may have even had a DUI incident covered up while in Knoxville. I don’t know if any of that shit is true, but it wouldn’t surprise me. What I do know is that he left such an impression in Knoxville they wanted to name the sewage treatment plant after him.

Oh, and on top of that, he fucked them over again when the NCAA started investigating violations that were supposedly committed during his short time in Knoxville.

Tom Cable hated his ass too. Cable was Kiffin’s offensive line coach here in Oakland. Not only did Cable get stuck cleaning up the mess Kiffin made when he took the interim head coaching role. I probably shouldn’t have fired Cable, but that’s another story. So, not only did Cable get stuck cleaning up, but then Kiffin raided our coaching staff when he plucked James Cregg off our staff with two weeks yet to go in the NFL season.

Once he got to Tennessee, Kiffin pissed off people all over the SEC.

He didn’t win any friends in Alabama by swiping Lance Thompson. One of Kiffin’s key hires at Tennessee was nabbing linebacker coach Lance Thompson from Alabama less than a month prior to 2009’s National Signing day. This coach-poach was made worse by the fact that Thompson was a major player in Alabama recruiting, a fact Kiffin made sure he let people know about.

After making the hire, that little son-of-a-bitch took a potshot at Nick Saban when he said “Nick Saban should have started his press conference (regarding the Tide’s signing class) by saying, ‘Our great class that we signed, I’d really like to thank Lance because Lance signed eight of those guys.’” Worse yet, that little fucker let his new toady chime in with “Just for your information, Utah had no 5-star recruits, and they kicked the lining out of our tails.”

That was a nice shot in the shadow of the loss Utah handed Alabama in the Sugar Bowl just a month prior to his lipping off.

Then there was the crap he said about Urban Meyer.  Kiffin basically publicly accused Meyer of violating NCAA rules by contacting a recruit while he was on another campus.

“I’m going to turn Florida in right here in front of you, as Nu’Keese (Richardson) was here on campus, his phone keeps ringing. And so one of our coaches is sitting in the meeting with him and says, ‘Who is that?’ And he looks at the phone and says, ‘Urban Meyer.’ Just so you know, you can’t call a recruit on another campus. But I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn’t get him.”

Of course, Meyer didn’t do anything wrong, but that little dicklicker made yet another enemy.

Then there’s what he said about Steve Spurrier and South Carolina. Even those jag-offs at ESPN reported this one. South Carolina had this top-buck recruit named Alshon Jeffery and that fuckwad Kiffin told him  “If you chose the Gamecocks, he would end up pumping gas for the rest of his life like all the other players from that state who went to South Carolina.”

Naturally, that little worm denied it, but the kid’s high school coach was in on the call and confirmed the kid’s story. Kiffin denied the remarks, but it was confirmed by Jeffery’s football coach, who was in on the phone conversation.  Besides, did you see the catch that kid pulled off in the Capital One Bowl? That kid ain’t pumping gas for anybody. In fact the Raiders don’t take him, I may have myself reincarnated as a rabid squirrel and run right up somebody’s pant-leg.

The bottom line is that Lane Kiffin is an asshole, and I don’t care now that I’m dead who knows it. Moreover, I’m not the only one who thinks that.

Trash-Talking the 2011 Top 25

Because we are into the greatest 12 weekends of the year, it is also time to remind some people of just who they are. In other words, we are taking the pre-season Dubsism Top 25 and reminding them that they suck. Let’s be honest, a big part of college football is trash-talking. This is exactly why I intend to go through the Top 25 and say awful things about every team and state involved.

1) Alabama

It has to pretty obvious when even Auburn fans get it.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Bear Bryant is dead, and it is high time you assholes quit running around in those houndstooth hats.

More importantly, with all the schools now getting caught for (insert NCAA violation here) it really just has to be a matter of time before Alabama gets caught (again).  It’s been a program so dirty Mike Rowe should be investigating it.

2) Oklahoma

If the world of college football were a bunch of children, Oklahoma would be the one you tell its OK to take candy from strangers. There really is nothing quite like the crap OU fans will put you through as they are reminding you what a storied program the Sooners are. Of course, they generally have to do this after Oklahoma’s most recent choke-job against (insert lousy Big 12 doormat here or crushing bowl game loss here).

3)  Oregon

Ten years ago, you didn’t need to pay attention to this team and its seizure-inducing uniforms.  Now, since they’ve made it a point to recruit every Los Angeles street thug even USC won’t touch, we have to hear about them every year. Thankfully, now they’ve scheduled a real game in September, so hopefully we won’t need to hear about how great they are just because they can handle Washington State. Seriously, if you are going to pay to illegally obtain recruiting film, do it so you can beat somebody worthwhile.

4) Wisconsin

As long as the state of Wisconsin exists, R.J. Reynolds will never go broke since they own Kraft Foods, Miller Beer and Marlboro cigarettes, which happen to be the three dietary staples in America’s Dairyland.

Honestly, Wisconsin is like Penn State and the SEC had an illegitimate child. Joe Paterno himself couldn’t construct a better offense based on gargantuan, sausage-fed offensive lineman and a bruising running back who eats contact like candy. Then, their is the Wiscy-level of drinking, which easily can put even the most moonshine-riddled southern peckerwood to shame.

5)  LSU

LSUcks. I mean, they’ve won two titles in the last decade, but neither should count. The first was just Nick SabaNazi splitting the love with Petey Cheaty TrojanFace and the second was beating arguably the most over-rated (and by “over-rated” I also mean “terrible,” and by that I mean “Ohio State”) teams ever allowed in a BCS Title game. Not to mention Les Miles is a complete mental case.

6) Nebraska

What ever happened to Lawrence Philips?

Where do I start? First of all, there is the fact that finally this team is in a real conference, which means they get to go somewhere more interesting than the land of endless Kansas they’ve been imprisoned in for decades. Nothing can improve your situation more than never having to go to Kansas ever again.

Plus I still think  Big Tweleveten should have deferred Nebraska’s admittance until they specifically defined what a “Cornhusker” really is. I’ve been told it is just a guy who beats off in a cornfield a lot, and I just don’t think that is appropriate.  Not to mention it totally changes my view of “popcorn.”

Oh, and Tom Osborne molests collies.

7) Florida State

What can you say about an institution that makes the University of Florida look good? Florida State is the “strip mall” of universities, and it is exactly that level of non-sophistication which makes it perfect for Tallahassee, which is actually the capital city of Lower Alabamida.

8 ) Boise State

I’m so tired of this team. They’ve been playing this “David” bit against everybody else’s Goliath, and I’m totally over it. This is a team that has been living off that Fiesta Bowl win over Oklahoma a few years back, and they haven’t won anything meaningful since.  Join a real conference and play a real schedule, otherwise you are just a western Notre Dame.

9) Stanford

How can anybody have any respect for a school which is supposed to be full of the uber-smart, yet it can’t even figure out its own mascot.  The nickname is the Cardinal, not the bird or the pope-in-training, but the color.  Somehow, this color is represented by an ass-eating tree.  No wonder I weep for the future of this country.

10) Oklahoma State

You almost want to feel sorry for Oklahoma State…almost. The only people who go to Oklahoma State are the ones who couldn’t get into Oklahoma. That’ s gotta hurt all by itself; it’s like going to Costco because you couldn’t even get a membership at Sam’s Club. Worse yet, imagine having to deal with that kind of rejection while living in Stillwater. Even people in Tulsa think  Stillwater sucks.

Oklahoma State fans think somehow the success of their basketball team means anything to football fans. Their chants at football games are generally some unintelligent ramblings about the other teams love for male genitalia.  Of course, the hoards of douchebag fans which inhabit Stillwater have nothing but time to be so creative as the average OSU female tends to prefer female genitalia. This is why it is metaphysical certitude one of them will start carving up hookers and dumping them under T. Boone Pickens Stadium.

11) South Carolina

How is this not South Carolina's mascot?

Gamecocks… What else do I need to say? The jokes write themselves. Feel free to contribute your own.

12) Texas A&M

Legend has it that the “A&M” in Texas A&M used to stand for “All-Male.”  We’ve also noticed the” aTm” on the Aggies helmets represents a particularly nasty acronym, and I don’t mean “at the moment.”   I’m just sayin’…

13) Virginia Tech

Virginia Tech football is so boring, occasionally they will provide somebody who will shoot you in the head.

It used to be that Virginia Tech was the poster child for over-rated, waste-of-time East Coast football. Then Virginia Tech and Miami joined the ACC supposedly forming a superconference. That idea got so screwed up I’m surprised Barack Obama wasn’t involved in it.  But since they are on the East Coast this team for some  reason is always a “dark horse” national title contender. Tech is good for 10 painfully boring wins and an equally boring bowl victory. Honestly, watching a Virginia Tech game is like watching ice melt, except not as exciting.

14) Arkansas

There’s being a fan; then there’s going too far. Somehow you just know this is less about “supporting the team” and more about greasing the railsl for a serious discussion with the family about Daddy’s transvestism.

15) TCU

TCU sucks, which is likely more than you say about these girls.

Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet.  All this really accomplishes is to see which Christian Texas asshole school gets to lay claim to cookware. Big deal. What should really play happen is BYU should play Notre Dame every year so we can see which Christian asshole school won’t be a BCS buster.

16) USC

To see the source of this picture, look up "smarmy assloaf" in your dictionary.

From Merriam-Websters:

scha·den·freu·de

  • noun, often capitalized \ˈshä-dən-ˌfrȯi-də\
  • Definition of SCHADENFREUDE: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others
  • Origin of SCHADENFREUDE: German, from Schaden “damage” + Freude “joy”
  • First Known Use: 1895

I’m going to enjoy this so much…words can’t describe how much I hate Lane Kiffin. He’s college football’s equivalent to that kid at your office who only has the job because he’s somebody nephew or frat brother or some other connection which has absolutely nothing to do with his crushing incompetence.  I can’t even begin to describe how fun it is going to be watching this pompous pseudo-fruit hurtle over the NCAA cliff.  I hope the they find out all the crap he did at Tennessee, then I hope they find more stuff he did at USC, then I hope they ban him from the game.

That won’t happen, but it would be fun to see Kiffin’s slime trail return USC to the Paul Hackett era, when the Trojans couldn’t beat TCU in the Sun Bowl.  God, what a sweet time that was.

17) Ohio State

I should leave this section blank, because I was really raised to believe that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. But if I were to do that, then this whole article would be blank. What else can you say about Ohio, a state where the rivers catch fire and sodomizing a relative is considered a proper form of greeting? Seriously, Ohio is the reason why “To Catch A Predator” exists; 8 Saturdays a year 100,000 Buckeyes cram themselves into Ohio Stadium, which is the anus of the Big Ten. The best thing I can say about Ohio is somehow it manages to let those hillbilly dipshits from the SEC have self-esteem.

18) Michigan State

Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the Big Twelevten teams who aren’t Wisconsin, Ohio State, or Penn State.  They all really do the same thing. They become bowl-eligible, and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Mississippi State “We Both Humped Our Sisters, But Our Accents Are Weirder” Bowl.  What makes Michigan State different is their coach who enjoys having heart-attacks after game winning field goals.

19) Auburn

Auburn has a long tradition of hiring mouth-breathers as coaches. There was the runt of the Bowden litter, then there was “Dumbo” Tuberville, and now there’s Gene Chizik. Chizik is an over-hyped bag of guts, which is perfect for a school full of frauds, closet racists, and over-inflated egos. Honestly, all that separates Auburn from being a southern-fried Notre Dame is the dark and barbarous Catholic Church.

20) Mississippi State

If you can’t play football, at least give us slutty, naked cheerleaders. This marks Mississippi State’s first measure of relevance in nearly a century.

21) Missouri

Don’t be mislead by the production, this isn’t a book, it’s a pamphlet. You can’t fill a whole book with “Be ranked until you play Oklahoma.”

22) Georgia

There’s a reason why they call it “UGAy.” Seriously, it doesn’t take much to figure out all those good, ol’ boys at Sanford Stadium secretly bat for the other team. After all, it was a dead give away when we noticed they love to wind down after their annual “Queer Beating” by doing the world’s biggest “elephant walk.” At least they aren’t playing “soggy biscuit” anymore…I think.  Not to mention “Deliverance” was set in Georgia. I wonder if Georgia football makes Ned Beatty clinch up just a  little.

23) Florida

If your bedroom looks like this, you will never have sex.

Gainesville represents the epicenter of culture in Florida, which means they have log sculptures of Tim Tebow and they change the urinal cakes at the stadium once a season.

24) Penn State

There is a rule out that says you can’t say anything bad about Joe Paterno, because he is the dean of college football. He is 643 years old, which is why he doesn’t seem to have the sense of urgency needed to beat a bunch of nipple-gummers like Iowa or Ohio State. The last time he had a sense of urgency was when he ran off the field to take a dump a few years ago.  It matters little as he will win more Big Tweleveten titles, even if it means we see a robotic JoePa patrolling the sidelines of State College.

25) Arizona State

These two tongue-lappers are a perfect representation of Arizona State. First, since they know they have been passed by Mississippi State on the slutty cheerleader scale, they get desperate for attention. This is the only reason girls like this make out with each other; so you’ll see past their sluttiness because they know every straight guy in America has that “two chicks” fantasy. The problem is they rarely will go all the way, much like Sun Devil football hasn’t seen a Rose Bowl since Jake “the Snake” Plummer.

Nine Things We’ve Learned About College Football at the Halfway Point

1) Georgia isn’t as bad as they look.

Well, they’ve only beaten Tennessee and Roast Beef State Louisiana-Lafayette, and they aren’t going to a bowl game, but the calls for Mark Richt’s head are premature. I understand how losing to a sorry-ass Colorado team can give one cause to wonder, but settle down, Dawg fans. I understand you are in a “wait until next year” scenario, but Richt has won a lot of games for you and he isn’t done yet.  Now, if they lose at home to Idaho State, all bets are off.

2) Penn State is as bad as they look.

Yesterday catastrophe against Illinois confirm the suspicions that it may be a long season in State College.  This wasn’t just the effects of having a freshman quarterback; this was full-on, nuclear-powered, suck-assery not seen since the Zack Mills era. This team has all the talent to make big plays, if only they knew how to make big plays. Much like the aforementioned Georgia Bulldogs, this is a temporary condition. Unlike Georgia, the Nittany Lions may eke three more wins out of the schedule to become bowl-eligible, but don’t surprised if it doesn’t happen.

3) Defense now Optional in the The Big 12:

The scores tell the story.

  • Nebraska 48, Kansas State 13
  • Oklahoma State 54, Louisiana-Lafayette 28
  • Texas Tech, 45, Baylor 38
  • Arkansas 24, Texas A&M 17
  • Utah 68, Iowa State 27
  • Missouri 26, Colorado 0

Other than the anomalies of the putrid Colorado offense and Texas A&M playing a good SEC team, this is a conference in which one is smart to bet the over.

4) Michigan has now been sufficiently exposed.

 

You can't have 4 without Coach 4-Head

 

Forget whatever Denard Robinson does, or how much Kirk Herbstreit wants to blow him. As we’ve said before, he is the entire Wolverine offense and once you contain him, that team simply isn’t that good. It seems that a quarterback who can use his legs to create plays also can use his arm to throw three interceptions. But Michigan’s real weakness is defense. For the second week in a row, this unit gave up huge yardage; the anemic Indiana offense threw for nearly 500 yards, and Michigan State rolled up 536 total offensive yards. If this continues, well, see points #5 and #9.

5) Jim Harbaugh is having a very successful audition to replace Coach 4-Head.

Harbaugh’s resume: He turned Stanford into a Top Ten program, he’s beaten Southern California in consecutive years, his long NFL career gives him massive recruiting credibility and he’s a Michigan alum. The only question left is how much cash does it take to get him to head for Ann Arbor?

6) BYU will fail miserably as an independent.

Conference or not, making such a move when there is an aura of instability in the locker room can only spell disaster.  The irony is that in Bronco Mendenhall’s tenure at BYU has been all about steady success and a calm presence from its leadership. Those days are over as Mendenhall seems to be hitting the “panic button, ” announcing his most severe move yet during his tenure by firing defensive coordinator Jaime Hill. Mendenhall is going back to calling plays, and otherwise wants to have a greater hand in molding a struggling team that is off to the program’s worst start since 1973.

“I need to recapture the heart and soul of this team, and I am trying to position myself in a place where I can be most effective doing that,” he said. It seems an odd move, in part because BYU is about to face one of the country’s more efficient offenses in when the Cougars travel to TCU on Oct. 16.  Mendenhall said that merely demoting Hill wasn’t a possibility as there were philosophical differences that were too tough to ignore, or compromise.

“As a leader, there are pivotal times where there become, you can call them feelings, instincts, promptings, whatever you would like,” Mendenhall said. “And that’s exactly what I felt, and I chose to act on it immediately. I don’t expect it to be popular with anyone, other than I think I did the right thing for myself and our program, and it certainly was not easy, and it doesn’t mean I don’t care for coach Hill and his family, because I do.”

Translated, Hill didn’t jump when Mendenhall said “jump,” so he got the gate. Generally, failure follows such power struggles, and failure generally doesn’t help those looking to strike out on their own.

7) Florida can whip up on handicapped guys, and that’s about it.

This is only going to help the Gators if South Carolina replaces Stephen Garcia with Stephen Hawking.

8 ) South Carolina is for real

No matter what happens on the rest of their schedule, this weekend’s defeat of top-ranked Alabama is the signature win Steve Spurrier has been waiting for in Columbia. Sure, I thought it was winning in Knoxville a few years back, but that just proved to be the beginning of the end of the Fulmer regime on Rocky Top.  With the win over Alabama, and Florida’s loss to LSU, the Gamecocks find themselves as the front runners in the SEC East.

Barring any unforeseen catastrophes, the ‘Cocks-Gators clash November 13th in  Gainesville will have a trip to the SEC Championship Game riding on it. How will Gators fans feel watching the Ol’ Ball Coach help spell the end of Florida’s ownership of the SEC East?

9) The 2010 Coaches Death Watch:

 

Ralph Friedgen, pictured here as a small dog, survives...for now.

 

It is a certainty that some coaches will lose their jobs after this season. It is just a matter of picking which ones. In order to do that, we have ranked some likely candidates in order of the probability they will not return for next season.

Ralph Friedgen, Maryland: Metaphysical Certitude

It is a certainty that Maryland doesn’t want him back; they’ve already named his successor. The problem is they didn’t check the athletic department’s bank balance before they shot off their mouths; he has a $1.75 million salary, and there is some question as to whether the University of Maryland can afford to buy out his remaining contract. As fishy as that sounds, if all goes according to contract, Friedgen will retire in 2011 and James Franklin will become the new head coach.

Mike Locksley, New Mexico: Missing an Inside Straight Draw

This is a guy who should get fired just for being tied to two other guys on this list. Locksley was a running backs coach at Maryland under Ralph Friedgen, and he’s coached with Ron Zook at both Florida and Illinois. But he’s got reasons to get fired all his own. He’s had off-the-field distractions ranging from an altercation with an assistant to sexual harrassment charges from a secretary. On the field, he has improved the Lobos’ talent, but an 0-5 start another season lacking in much competitiveness could make it difficult for the brass to stand by him past Year 2.

Saves His Job If: His players turn his system into a winner by showing some promising signs or a big win over a team like BYU or TCU. He also has to keep his name out of the news from a ll the off-field stuff.

Gets Fired Because: The Lobos go 1-11 (or worse) again and he doesn’t stay out of trouble.

Tim Brewster, Minnesota: Spilling Coffee on Your White Shirt Just Before an Important Meeting

Brewster has his fans, but also as many detractors. He also has a booster base that built a new stadium, and they want their first Rose Bowl nearly a half-century. He took over a program that was destroyed by Glen Mason, and the rebuilding is going slower than most would prefer. That may not be realistic, but that’s the situation Brewster find himself in.

Saves His Job If: Somehow, he has to squeeze no worse than a 4-8 record out of a young and troublesome defense and an offense returning nine starters.

Gets Fired Because: Short of a big win in the rest of the conference schedule, the loss to South Dakota may have sealed his fate.

Paul Wulff, Washington State: Getting a Giant, Disfiguring Pimple Before a Big Date (or if you are over 40, suddenly discovering the importance of Viagra)

This poor guy took the job because he wanted to be a head coach, and this was the open job. But he can’t escape a 3-22 record.

Saves His Job If: He finds a way to come up with a conference win, double “saves his ass” points if it is against season-ending rival Washington. After losing the opener at Oklahoma State, the Cougars rebound with wins over Montana State and at SMU. At 2-1, Washington State will have some confidence as USC comes to town. If the Cougars can pull an upset at UCLA and against Arizona at home, a 4-8 season may be the best.

Gets Fired Because: He couldn’t meet even the minimal expectations in Pullman. Even in a short time, too many embarrassing losses have piled up during the Wulff era.

Dan Hawkins. Colorado: Toast Landing on the Floor Jelly-Side Down

How Hawkins survived after last season is a head-scratcher. It seems the “Friedgen Rule” might be in effect; Colorado can’t afford to gas him. Hawkins is 16-33 in four years in Boulder, and if there is another sub-par year in Boulder, they may have a telethon to raise money for the buy-out.

Saves His Job If: This team is made up of Hawkins’ players and they have all played a great deal over the past two or three seasons. If one can gamble one experience meaning anything, Colorado bets on catching a few breaks and reaches a bowl game.

Gets Fired Because: His bets don’t come in and Colorado decides it can’t have any more 52-7 losses at California heading into its first season as a member of the Pac-10.

Rich Rodriguez, Michigan: A Torrential Downpour When You’ve Left Your Sun Roof Open

I’m not sure we really need to belabor the point here…Rodriguez was expected to restore Michigan football glory, and it hasn’t happened in three years. Meanwhile, as previously mentioned Michigan alum is just upping the offer coming from his alma mater.

Saves His Job If: He has to either win a bowl game or beat Ohio State. Period.

Gets Fired Because:  Because nobody is going to get more than three years to win in Ann Arbor.  Jesus himself would be staying way from lumber stores in Michigan right about now…

Bob Toledo, Tulane: Having Your Drive-Thru Order Get Messed Up

Being that everybody took pity on New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, Tulane got a piece of that pity pie. But after five years, the bakery may be closing.

Saves His Job If:  Lets’ face it, short of Washington State, this team might have the lowest expectations on this list. The Green Wave has gone a swampy 9-27 in the last three years. All Toledo has to do is not finish last  in Conference USA again.

Gets Fired Because: He finishes last in Conference USA again.

Dennis Erickson, Arizona State: Getting Sunburned Even Though You Wore Sunscreen

Some coaches earn respect in this game to the point where there is a reluctance to fire them. Of course, it is a sliding scale. At one end is a guy like Ralph Friedgen, a guy who has not only effectively been fired, but he’s been fired like Milton from “Office Space.” They took his stapler, moved him into Sub-Basement B, but for some reason he still gets a paycheck. On the other end of that scale is Joe Paterno; statues are one thing, but when they put the coaches’ name on the library, they would have to find the Lindbergh baby in buried in his back yard, and even then they might only suspend him.

Erickson is a Hall of Fame caliber coach, so nobody at Arizona State wants to look as if they are giving him the bum’s rush. But he clearly hasn’t lived up to what the Sun Devil nation wanted. His National Championship experience was supposed to be reflected on the field. It wasn’t. His NFL experience was supposed to be reflected in recruiting. It hasn’t.

Saves His Job If: See Rich Rodriguez. Erickson either needs to get to a bowl game or beat the hated rival; in this case winning the ” The Duel in the Desert” looks like a tall order as Arizona is ranked an looks like they have a legitimate NFL quarterback leading them offensively.

Gets Fired Because: Right now, they are 3-3 with their only conference coming this past weekend on the road at Washington. That means they need to find three more conference wins out of this schedule:

Oct. 23 – @California
Oct. 30 – Washington State
Nov. 6 – @USC
Nov. 13 – Stanford
Nov. 26 – UCLA
Dec. 2 – @Arizona

The Sun Devils can forget about winning any of those road games. That also means they can’t count on the “beat the rival” card. Realistically, only the home date with Washington State is one they can feel confident about, nad UCLA is an honest “Maybe,” but other than that , the odds of picking up that third win look pretty slim.

Ron Zook, Illinois: Anybody who is a non-hot chick talking their way out of a speeding ticket

Many Chief Illiniwek lovers were hoping Ron Zook’s days in Champaign were over last year. However, it seems that getting the Illini into a Rose Bowl in 2007 was enough to get him another year. Besides, I think this weekend’s dismantling of Penn State in Happy Valley (for their Homecoming, no less) effectively saved his job. If he can get the Illini to beat in-state rival Northwestern in November, there’s no way he gets the gate.

Saves His Job If: He likely already has with the win at Penn State. This team has an outside shot a t a bowl game, with Big Eleven Ten puddles Indiana, Purdue, and Minnesota left on the schedule.

Gets Fired Because: The team completely collapses from here. If they fail to win another game and look ugly doing it, even the Penn State win won’t save him. But that isn’t likely to happen.

Lane Kiffin, USC: Data Insufficient, But There Is Cause For Concern

Honestly, I didn’t have Kiffin on this list until late Saturday night. I’m not sure how the loss to Stanford plays into the situation at Southern California, but it can’t help. The Trojan offense looks just fine; sophomore QB Matt Barkley has been solid, if unnoticed because of the Trojans’ fall from grace. However, he has completed 113 of 174 passes for 1,517 yards, 15 touchdowns, 4 interceptions. For whoever understands how this works, his passing efficiency mark of 162.03 is 14th best in the country.  Even in Saturday’s loss to Stanford, Barkley was 28-for-45 and a career-high 390 yards.

But the Trojan defense has borne the brunt of the blame. The Stanford loss only underscored the fact the USC defense can’t get many stops, especially the crucial, late-in-close-games kind. The Trojans rank 100th in the nation in total defense, allowing 428.67 yards per game.

Here’s where this gets dicey. Since Pat Haden arrived as the new Trojan athletic director, it has become clear that Kiffin simply isn’t “his guy.” Kiffin has no real head-coaching credibility, and in the wake of the scandals that have brought down the Trojan program, Kiffin is seen as an embodiment of those days.

Saves His Job If: Being in his first year as the USC head coach, he has to maximize his “new guy” status. His big problem is all the time he spent under Pete Carroll as an assistant at USC. Plus, if the boosters chalk it all up to a “probation” year and aren’t in the mood for a pound of flesh, Kiffin lives to die another day.

Gets Fired Because: Haden judges him on the sins of the past and other off-the-field criteria. On the field, that defense needs to stiffen now, otherwise their may be at least four foreseeable losses in the upcoming schedule:

Oct 16:    California
Oct 30:    Oregon
Nov 6:   Arizona St.
Nov 13:    @Arizona
Nov 20:    @Oregon St.
Nov 27:    Notre Dame
Dec 4    @UCLA

Plus, losing to Notre Dame and/or UCLA certainly won’t help.

Trash-Talking the Top 25

Because we are into the greatest 12 weekends of the year, it is also time to remind some people of just who they are. In other words, we are taking the pre-season Dubsism Top 25 and reminding them that they suck. Let’s be honest, a big part of college football is trash-talking. This is exactly why I intend to go through the Top 25 and say awful things about every team and state involved.

1) Alabama

It has to pretty obvious when even Auburn fans get it.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Bear Bryant is dead, and it is high time you assholes quit running around in those houndstooth hats.  I understand he’s your legendary figure and all that crap, but there’s a reason why Tom Berenger made him sound like Forrest Gump in that shitty ESPN movie. Before some Alabamian opens his misshapen head to tell me that movie was set at Texas A&M, I would point out they couldn’t set the movie at Alabama because to fill any actor with enough whiskey to properly portray “the Bear” would have bankrupted ESPN.

Yeah, until they start a football league in Argentina.

As for your current asshole-in-charge, Nick Saban is little more than a spray-tanned Nazi whore. This is why you bunch of slack-jawed mouthbreathers ultimately end up in the Klan. Even though you won last year, this just means SabaNazi is just one goose-step closer to bolting for whatever job will pay him next.

2) Florida

The Doctrine of Papal Infallibility doesn't cover exploding cranial arteries.

Speaking of dead, Tim Tebow might as well be. He’s gone Gator Geeks, and he ain’t coming back. Besides, the best thing you can say about Gainesville is it happens to be the cultural capital of Lower Alabamida, meaning it’s port-a-cans have the best disinfectant cakes. Oh, and I am officially adding Urban Meyer to my “Finally has that brain-splattering stroke we’ve all been waiting for” list.  Any bets on whose first, Pope Urban I or Houston “Sometimes you feel like a” Nutt?

3) Ohio State

I should leave this section blank, because I was really raised to believe that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. But if I were to do that, then this whole article would be blank. What else can you say about Ohio, a state where the rivers catch fire and sodomizing a relative is considered a proper form of greeting? Seriously, Ohio is the reason why “To Catch A Predator” exists; 7 Saturdays a year 100,000 Buckeyes cram themselves into Ohio Stadium, which is the anus of the Big Ten. The best thing I can say about Ohio is somehow it manages to let those hillbilly dipshits from the SEC have self-esteem.

4)  Texas

Austin is just proof that even a state full of generally good people and places can fuck up. If Texas tried to build a version of San Francisco, Austin would be it. Austin gets all wrapped up in its indie movies, indie music, and generally a lot of other indie bullshit nobody cares about.  Of course, they also downplay their indie homicidal maniacs who like to climb bell towers or shoot up  shitty cafeterias.

To call Texas a bunch of pussies would be to insult pussies everywhere. In fact, it would be more accurate to call them old, worn out pussies considering how long they’ve been handling the “Big 12.”

5) Penn State

There is a rule out that says you can’t say anything bad about Joe Paterno, because he is the dean of college football. He is 643 years old, which is why he doesn’t seem to have the sense of urgency needed to beat a bunch of nipple-gummers like Iowa or Ohio State. The last time he had a sense of urgency was when he ran off the field to take a dump a few years ago. It matters little as he will win more Big Tweleveten titles, even if it means we see a robotic JoePa patrolling the sidelines of State College.

6)  LSU

Any man dressed as a bunny is likely willing to bleaux you.

LSUcks. I mean, they’ve won two titles in the last decade, but neither should count. The first was just Nick SabaNazi splitting the love with Petey Cheaty TrojanFace and the second was beating arguably the most over-rated (and by “over-rated” I also mean “shitty,” and by that I mean “Ohio State”) teams ever allowed in a BCS Title game. Not to mention Les Miles is a complete closet case.

7) Utah

I feel the same way about Utah’s football team as I do toward just about any team from Utah…(yawn). Utah is the most boring state in America, and that’s saying something in a collection that includes South Dakota. Honestly, I would love to see a Utah team win a title, because I would love to see what the celebratory riot in Salt Lake City might look like.

8 )  Iowa

Many people don’t know that “Iowa” is actually an acronym which used to mean “Individuals Out Watering Animals.” Now, thanks to the Hawkeyes, it now means “Imbeciles Overstretching White Asses.” Not only do their players rape innocent people, the whole team collectively rapes spectators on a weekly basis. Seriously, watching an Iowa game is like being that kid who gets sent to “Camp Second Chance” only to find out “juvenile rehabilitation” only means being on the receiving end of a surprise, unlubricated buggering behind the boat house. Plus, Iowa was the setting of “Field of Dreams,” and as a baseball fan I felt like Kevin Costner used that movie to give my eye sockets a two-and-a-half hour-long skull rape.

9)  Oregon

What does it say about Oregon that quarterback-turned-thief Jeremiah Masoli left Oregon to hang out with a certifiable kook like Houston Nutt. It is likely not just because he is merely looking to see the field again, but he may be afraid of getting seizures from Oregon’s atrocious uniforms. Besides, I’m really tired of listening to you Oregon cry-babies…Let’s face it, you are perennially the Jan Brady to somebody else’s Pac-10 Marcia. Lately, that’s been USC, but who really doesn’t matter. Oregon is a mid-level “power conference” program, which means it has to win it’s conference or beat a big-name opponent in order go to a “big” bowl game. The Ducks generally do neither, so fuck them.

10) Boise State

Remember “The People vs. Larry Flynt?” Never mind Woody Harrelson is a dipshit who deserves to be fed to flesh-eating cockroaches; the point is that it is sad that in order to defend a point we hold dear as Americans, such as a constitutional right, often times we have to defend a complete feces-matted clump of ass hair. Much as porn merchant Flynt was that clump, so is Boise State in their Quixotic tilt against the evil BCS. Let’s be honest here, it was the kook Houston Nutt who put this team and it’s goofy blue turf on the college football map, and now after a decade-long campaign to be “America’s Sweethearts” they think they’ve achieved it. Well, I have news for you Boise State…nobody east of Pocatello or west of Nampa gives a rat’s ass about you or your stupid blue turf.

11) Mississippi

Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the SEC teams who aren’t Florida and Alabama because they all really do the same thing. They become bowl-eligible, and then somehow lose to some dipshit Big Tweleveten team like Iowa in the “We Both Fucked Our Sisters, But Your Accents Are Weirder” Bowl. What makes Mississippi different is the kook Houston Nutt. I have to admit – I just can’t get over the Nutt. Whether his team goes 4-8 or has them nationally ranked;  whether he is playing the role of Baptist minister or getting run out of town for banging the local news anchorette, the Right Reverend Houston Dale Nutt and the teams he leads are the embodiment of pure entertainment.

I love the Nutt, just because he’s like a jack-in-the-box two notes before it pops. And with Ole Miss looking suspiciously like a top ten team at this point (I really just wrote that…I know, I can’t believe it either), perhaps it happens during the LSU game which could make or break them. Maybe it happens early if the team disappoints. Either way, people of Oxford, be warned. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, the man is 100% batshit crazy. Remember those great seasons back in Fayetteville under the Nutt? Those should tell you there are a panoply of mind-boggling possibilities. Let’s face it. If you love Nutt-ball, you love a team that can’t pull off a three-yard run, but will hit a 65-yard bomb. You love a team that will break your heart with the stupidest penalties (raise your hand if you remember the defensive back coming onto the field a few years ago with no fucking pants!), but they find ways to win. You love a team that can dismantle Florida at Vaught-Hemingway, but can’t seem to get over the hump that is LSU.

Given all that, the sky is the limit. Could it be Nutt running on the field naked? Could it be Nutt finally having the brain-splattering stroke he always looks like he is about to have? Or could it be the Rebels shocking us all by winning the SEC West? Your guess is as good as mine; that’s the beauty.

12) Auburn

See #11 with the following changes:

  • Replace the word “Iowa” with “Michigan State.”
  • Replace the word “Sisters” with “Mommas.”
  • Replace the paragraphs about Houston Nutt with the following sentences. “Gene Chizik is an over-hyped bag of guts, which is perfect for a school full of frauds, closet racists, and over-inflated egos. Honestly, all that separates Auburn from being a southern-fried Notre Dame is the dark and barbarous Catholic Church.”

13) USC

From Merriam-Websters:

scha·den·freu·de

  • noun, often capitalized \ˈshä-dən-ˌfrȯi-də\
  • Definition of SCHADENFREUDE: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others
  • Origin of SCHADENFREUDE: German, from Schaden “damage” + Freude “joy”
  • First Known Use: 1895

To see the source of this picture, look up "Smarmy Fuckwad" in your dictionary.

I’m going to enjoy this so much…I can’t even begin to describe how fun it is going to be watching these pompous shitbags hurtle over the NCAA cliff. This may be a “deja vu” moment of the Paul Hackett era, when the Trojans couldn’t beat TCU in the Sun Bowl.  God, that was a sweet time that was.  Plus, is there a better guy to be driving the Trojan bus off the cliff than that smug pseudo-fruit Lane Kiffin. The only thing better than watching that bus full of vapid, self-absorbed, gonorrhea-dripping buttloafs plunging into the ravine of mediocrity they so richly deserve is to hear Kiffin’s beard “wife” got caught pulling a train the the Trojan locker room.

14) Georgia

There’s a reason why they call it “UGAy.” Seriously, it doesn’t take much to figure out all those good, ol’ boys at Sanford Stadium secretly bat for the other team. After all, it was a dead give away when we noticed they love to wind down after their annual “Queer Beating” by doing the world’s biggest “elephant walk.” At least they aren’t playing “soggy biscuit” anymore…I think.  Not to mention “Deliverance” was set in Georgia. I wonder if Georgia football makes Ned Beatty clinch up just a  little.

15)  TCU

Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet. All this really is to see Christian Texas asshole school this year gets to lay claim to cookware. Big fucking deal. TCU should really play BYU every year so we can see which Christian asshole school won’t be a BCS buster.

16) Georgia Tech

I may have to rethink this whole Georgia/homosexual thing. Plug the words “Georgia homosexual” into your search engine and what is the first hit you get? Something that links you to Georgia Tech’s financial aid department? Following the link gets you some really confusing stuff.

The Georgia Institute of Technology, one of the largest producers of Hispanic engineers in the world, offers students the opportunity to apply for The Goizueta Foundation Scholarship. Georgia Tech has established a comprehensive package to support students through a permanent scholarship endowment using a $2 million dollar gift from The Goizueta Foundation.

I really need somebody who is more enlightened than I am to explain the connection, if any, between Hispanic engineers and homosexuality. While you’re at, O Enlightened One, explain to me the connection, if any, between Georgia Tech and a football team that can win anything meaningful.

17) Nebraska

What’s the difference between Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska? A year from now, Nebraska will be in a real football conference. Honestly, I would like the Big Tweleveten to defer Nebraska’s admittance until they specifically define what a “Cornhusker” really is. I’ve been told it is just a guy who beats off in a cornfield a lot, and I just don’t think that is appropriate. Not to mention it totally changes my view of “popcorn.”

18) Connecticut

It says a lot about Connecticut that it is now home to television bottom-feeders like Maury, Jerry Springer, and ESPN. You really wonder how the same UConn that has been a basketball powerhouse for decades will handle the spotlight in this new, brutish game with the oddly-shaped ball.

UConn, when it comes to a BCS Championship...you are NOT the father.

19) Pittsburgh

Ben Roethlisberger didn’t play for the Iowa Hawkeyes, did he? Oh wait, those charges were dropped, so I really can’t use the “rape” jokes. What do you mean that was the Steelers? You mean we aren’t talking about the Steelers? what do you mean “University of Pittsburgh?” That’s ridiculous, Pittsburgh isn’t even a state; shit, it’s hardly a city.

20) Tennessee

See #11 with the following changes:

  • Replace the word “Iowa” with “Purdue.”
  • Replace the word “Sisters” with “Cousins.”
  • Replace the paragraphs about Houston Nutt with the following:  “It is easy to see why Tennessee supporters have a bad case of “red-headed step-child syndrome.” The Volunteers have spent the last decade in the SEC getting a constant view of the tail-lights of Florida, Georgia, and LSU. Conversely, it is not so easy to get Vol fans to understand why; name the last time the Vols won without a quarterback named “Manning.”

21) West Virginia

I can’t decide which I love more, the mentality that celebrates victory with wanton couch burning, or a college tradition that gets so completely out of hand legislation is needed. Besides, I’m pretty sure some asshole in Morgantown stole my actual driver’s license from college to do this:

22) Brigham Young

When I was a kid, BYU was still hate-worthy, but at least they had Jim McMahon, so they were at least somewhat cool. But then they screwed  him over, which was just step number one in their progression toward complete sanctimonious assholery. First of all, you just have to love their propaganda posters; in an odd way they remind one of what Soviet propaganda would look like if they still existed and hired a top buck PR firm. But, the trip to Asshole City was complete when they made the decision to become independent. This makes them a Rocky Mountain version of Notre Dame; which of course means they can get on their knees and suck it.

23)  Michigan State


You almost want to feel sorry for Michigan State…almost. The only people who go to Michigan State are the ones who couldn’t get into Michigan. That’ s gotta hurt all by itself; it’s like going to Costco because you couldn’t even get a membership at Sam’s Club. Worse yet, imagine having to deal with that kind of rejection in East Lansing. Even people in Flint think East Lansing sucks. Michigan State fans think somehow the success of their basketball team means anything to football fans. Their chants at football games are generally some unintelligent ramblings about the other teams love for male genitalia. Of course, the hoards of douchebag frat boys  that inhabit East Lansing have nothing but time to be so creative as the average MSU female tends to prefer female genitalia. This is why it is metaphysical certitude one of them will start carving up hookers and dumping them under Spartan Stadium.

24) Oklahoma

If the world of college football were a bunch of children, Oklahoma would be the one you tell its OK to take candy from strangers. There really is nothing quite like the bullshit OU fans will put you through as they are reminding you what a storied program the Sooners are. Of course, they generally have to do this after Oklahoma’s most recent choke-job against (insert lousy Big 12 doormat here). Of course, while they are regaling you with history, they forget about the 1980′s, when the Sooners imported every lowlife thug they could find.

25) Virginia Tech

It used to be that Virginia Tech was the poster child for over-rated, waste-of-time East Coast football. Then Virginia Tech and Miami joined the ACC supposedly forming a superconference. That idea got so fucked up I’m surprised Barack Obama wasn’t involved in it. But since they are on the East Coast this team for some damn reason is always a “dark horse” national title contender. Tech is good for 10 painfully boring wins and an equally boring bowl victory. Honestly, watching a Virginia Tech game is like watching ice melt, except not as exciting.

The 2010 Dubsism Pre-Season College Football Rankings

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. There is a rule in the blogosphere that says if you tag more than three posts with “college football,” you are required to do a pre-season ranking. It’s really almost like a chain letter; failing to engage is such willful prognostication can mean your goodies will swell into purple soccer balls before they burst and drop right off. Not only that, but you are forced to sit in front of Lou Holtz without a spit shield. Since I can barely swim…

Granny's trying to wet the wettest whistle in the history of wet whistles (reaches for a squeegee).

Teams are rated within their conference, and the conferences are ranked in order of overall strength.

Plus, since here at Dubsism we are believers in the yin and yang of things, we felt it necessary not only to do the obligatory Top 25 list, but a comprehensive list as well. Why? Because for every team that should be admired for its prowess, there is one that should be pitied for its ineptitude.

Independents:

The special category for Army, Navy, and that school in Indiana that used to mean something. Every year, Notre Dame gets more attention than they deserve; a phenomenon that continues up to that point when the Irish get such a crushing loss that every the most ardent Notre Dame fan has no choice but to admit they simply aren’t very good. Even though the Irish have their typically soft schedule, the hype really should be over by the third quarter of the Purdue game.

Thankfully, there is an Independent worth discussing. The Navy Midshipmen have built a program that is now worthy of a discussion wondering how good they will be rather than if they will be any good. Top that off with quarterback Ricky Dobbs, who is the best player you’ve never heard of. His name would be on all our lips were he at a “traditional” football power rather than preparing to serve his country.

  1. Navy
  2. Notre Dame
  3. Army

11) Sun Belt Conference

Yeah, this is really Division I football, but it has a way to go to be the little brother of top-flight college football. Right now, it is more like a fetal version of a real conference; there are some signs of life beginning to develop. The Sun Belt has produced 9- and 10-win teams. Sun Belt teams have scored victories over big-conference teams; just a few years ago Louisiana-Monroe beat Alabama, Troy shocked Oklahoma State, and FAU took out a weak, but still BCS conference Minnesota all in the same season. Arkansas State upset Texas A&M in 2008 and in 2009 almost scored a road win over Iowa, falling 24-21.

The second trimester is denoted by a road win over a BCS conference team.

Another sign that this conference is developing is the fact it has an increasing number of top-quality players; this year’s class includes Middle Tennessee State’s Dwight Dasher, Troy’s Jerrel Jernigan and Florida International’s T.Y. Hilton.

  1. Troy
  2. Middle Tennessee
  3. Western Kentucky
  4. North Texas
  5. Florida International
  6. Arkansas State
  7. Louisiana-Monroe
  8. Louisiana-Lafayette
  9. Florida Atlantic

10) MAC

It’s easy to say the MAC is like a mini-me to the Big Ten, except the MAC doesn’t have bloated, over-rated teams that can’t get it done on the field (read that as “Michigan.”) Nine straight wins means there just might be a new “Golden Era” in Philadelphia. These aren’t the Temple Owls that stumbled affably toward, yet never achieving respectability. Now, the goal is to win the conference, which would’ve likely happened in 2009 had it not been for an injury to star running back Bernard Pierce.

  1. Temple
  2. Toledo
  3. Kent State
  4. Northern Illinois
  5. Akron
  6. Western Michigan
  7. Bowling Green
  8. Miami (OH)
  9. Ball State
  10. Central Michigan
  11. Buffalo
  12. Eastern Michigan
  13. Ohio

9) WAC

Boise State defines the term “big fish in a small pond.” While the Broncos enter the Dubsism pre-season rankings in the Top Ten, you have to scroll all the way to #65 to find the next WAC member. But this fish is no less dangerous just because it comes from a small pond; you wouldn’t fuck with Jaws just because he was in your hot tub.

We're going to need a bigger tub.

Don’t look now, but Boise State has won 26 of their last 27 games, including two man-handlings of Oregon and handing a very-good TCU it’s walking papers from the ranks of the undefeated.  They finished No. 4 in the AP poll last year, they are returning over 20 starters, and this is a program that has won two BCS Bowl games in the last four years, which means you have to consider this team, goofy blue field and all, a legitimate national championship contender.

  1. Boise State
  2. Fresno State
  3. Hawaii
  4. New Mexico State
  5. Nevada
  6. Idaho
  7. Louisiana Tech
  8. San Jose State
  9. Utah State

8 ) Conference USA

This may as well be the wild-card conference, because there’s just no telling what may happen once these teams hit the field. Houston is long on talent, but short on mental toughness and leadership. Central Florida returns 15 starters, has depth and talent in the receiver ranks, but the running game is suspect and there are questions about the quarterback position. Southern Miss is the model of consistency, yet can’t seem to crack seven wins, and East Carolina may start hijacking merchant ships.

Today's pirate: Less "Yarrrgh," more "Allah Akbar."

After all, we have a new face of piracy in the world, and perhaps it’s time ECU updated their look to be more in tune with the modern swashbuckler. After all, head coach Ruffin McNeill likely learned a lot about pirates from his last boss.

  1. Houston
  2. East Carolina
  3. Southern Miss
  4. UCF
  5. Memphis
  6. Marshall
  7. Tulsa
  8. Southern Methodist
  9. UTEP
  10. UAB
  11. Rice
  12. Tulane

7) Mountain West Conference

For a brief, shining moment, the Mountain West was poised to become the uber-”Small” conference. Unfortunately, right after Boise State made the announcement it was leaving the WAC to join, Utah bolted for the brights lights and the big city of the Pac-10.  All that does is remind us the tectonic shifting of conferences likely isn’t over yet; TCU is a prime pick to jump over that BCS fence if they were given an opportunity. Despite all that, for as long as it lasts, the Mountain West is still the best non-BCS conference out there.

  1. Utah
  2. TCU
  3. Brigham Young
  4. Air Force
  5. San Diego State
  6. New Mexico
  7. Wyoming
  8. Colorado State
  9. UNLV

6) Big East

Honestly, the Big East puzzles me. I never really have any respect for anybody in this conference, but there are always a couple of teams that look good…well, until they get to a bowl game. Since the Big East winner gets an automatic bid to the BCS dance, look for Connecticut to be the sacrificial lamb come January.

  1. Connecticut
  2. Pittsburgh
  3. West Virginia
  4. Cincinnati
  5. Louisville
  6. Rutgers
  7. South Florida
  8. Syracuse

5) ACC

Here’s another conference I don’t really understand. With a few exceptions, these teams are really all the same. Take the top seven teams in this conference, toss them up in the air and see which one lands first; North Carolina or Boston College could find themselves on top of this league as easily as one of the Techs. Likewise, the bottom five teams are all equally rancid; it is almost impossible to tell the difference between the level of awful going on at Maryland versus Duke.

  1. Georgia Tech
  2. Virginia Tech
  3. Clemson
  4. Miami (FL)
  5. Florida State
  6. North Carolina
  7. Boston College
  8. North Carolina State
  9. Maryland
  10. Wake Forest
  11. Virginia
  12. Duke

4) Pac-10

As emasculated as Oregon and USC have been by the justice system and the NCAA respectively, they are still better than anybody in either the ACC or the Big East. For those of you east coast people to whom football west of Texas is an unknown world, just wait for the inevitable bowl season when those conferences will give their usual dismal performance, whereas it will likely take the Big 10 winner to handle Oregon.

Asterisks or not, USC is still better than anybody in the Big East.

  1. Oregon
  2. USC
  3. Arizona
  4. California
  5. UCLA
  6. Stanford
  7. Oregon State
  8. Washington
  9. Arizona State
  10. Washington State

3) Big 12

Considering the Big 12 is in its swan song as a conference, this might not be the best time to point out Nits lameness. But I must; I may not have another  chance. First, there’s the supposedly-dominant Longhorns (yes, the same ones that were manhandled by Alabama) have lost to Kansas State twice in the last five years.   Nebraska has been consistenly the class of the Big 12 North, which is really the Kazakhistan of  BCS conference football, which qualifies them to be a red, western version of Michigan State once they join the Big Tweleveten. And then there’s Oklahoma. The Sooners are always a darling in August, and that “belle of the ball” status usually dies after the annual loss to Texas.

This is usually what an OU fan looks like after the Texas game.

  1. Texas
  2. Nebraska
  3. Oklahoma
  4. Oklahoma State
  5. Missouri
  6. Texas A&M
  7. Texas Tech
  8. Baylor
  9. Kansas
  10. Iowa State
  11. Kansas State
  12. Colorado

2) Big 10

Everybody loves to be down on the Big 10; every year we hear stuff about how the conference is really the the Big Three and the Insignificant Eight. Let’s not forget the Big Ten won two BCS bowl games last year, but that this conference produces at least four good football teams each season. Look for depth in this conference; the Big 10 will produce at least 7 bowl teams.

  1. Ohio State
  2. Penn State
  3. Iowa
  4. Michigan State
  5. Purdue
  6. Wisconsin
  7. Northwestern
  8. Minnesota
  9. Michigan
  10. Illinois
  11. Indiana

1) SEC

Clearly the best conference in the country, the SEC is the only conference other than the Big 10 that won two BCS games last year and will produce more than 6 bowl teams this year. The bottom line is since its inception in 1998, the SEC has owned the BCS. An SEC team has won 6 of the twelve title games, including the last four. You could have an all SEC title game if it weren’t for the SEC’s own championship game, which you can expect to be a Florida and Alabama affair again.

  1. Alabama
  2. Florida
  3. LSU
  4. Mississippi
  5. Auburn
  6. Georgia
  7. Tennessee
  8. South Carolina
  9. Arkansas
  10. Mississippi State
  11. Kentucky
  12. Vanderbilt

Overall Rankings:

  1. Alabama
  2. Florida
  3. Ohio State
  4. Texas
  5. Penn State
  6. LSU
  7. Utah
  8. Iowa
  9. Oregon
  10. Boise State
  11. Mississippi
  12. Auburn
  13. USC
  14. Georgia
  15. TCU
  16. Georgia Tech
  17. Nebraska
  18. Connecticut
  19. Pittsburgh
  20. Tennessee
  21. West Virginia
  22. Brigham Young
  23. Michigan State
  24. Oklahoma
  25. Virginia Tech
  26. Oklahoma State
  27. Cincinnati
  28. Arizona
  29. Purdue
  30. Clemson
  31. California
  32. UCLA
  33. Wisconsin
  34. Miami (FL)
  35. Florida State
  36. South Carolina
  37. Missouri
  38. Texas A&M
  39. Stanford
  40. Northwestern
  41. Minnesota
  42. Texas Tech
  43. Arkansas
  44. Oregon State
  45. Mississippi State
  46. Washington
  47. Navy
  48. North Carolina
  49. Kentucky
  50. Air Force
  51. Arizona State
  52. Baylor
  53. Boston College
  54. Michigan
  55. Illinois
  56. North Carolina State
  57. Vanderbilt
  58. Houston
  59. Louisville
  60. Kansas
  61. San Diego State
  62. Iowa State
  63. Kansas State
  64. East Carolina
  65. Maryland
  66. Fresno State
  67. Southern Miss
  68. UCF
  69. Rutgers
  70. South Florida
  71. New Mexico
  72. Wake Forest
  73. Colorado
  74. Wyoming
  75. Memphis
  76. Hawaii
  77. Notre Dame
  78. Virginia
  79. Temple
  80. Duke
  81. Marshall
  82. Tulsa
  83. Southern Methodist
  84. Toledo
  85. Colorado State
  86. Troy
  87. Indiana
  88. Kent State
  89. Middle Tennessee
  90. UTEP
  91. Syracuse
  92. Northern Illinois
  93. UNLV
  94. New Mexico State
  95. Washington State
  96. UAB
  97. Akron
  98. Nevada
  99. Idaho
  100. Western Kentucky
  101. North Texas
  102. Louisiana Tech
  103. Florida International
  104. San Jose State
  105. Western Michigan
  106. Arkansas State
  107. Rice
  108. Bowling Green
  109. Miami (OH)
  110. Utah State
  111. Ball State
  112. Central Michigan
  113. Tulane
  114. Louisiana-Monroe
  115. Buffalo
  116. Eastern Michigan
  117. Louisiana-Lafayette
  118. Army
  119. Ohio
  120. Florida Atlantic

I May Finally Have To Admit Joe Paterno Is Old

I’ve been saying for years that while Joe Paterno is chronologically 83 years old, he only gets called old when his detractors have a criticism. JoePa hasn’t been old since the Orange Bowl win in 2006, but it seems to some he is getting old again. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find an article on Penn State football that doesn’t reference Paterno’s age or start bringing up examples. I’ve heard these sorts of rumbles before; a cornucopia of rehashings of four years ago when JoePa sprinted off the field in the middle of the game at Ohio State because he had to go to the bathroom. Then’s there’s two years ago when his bad hip wouldn’t allow him to stand on the sidelines.

These calls of “Joe is old” always come from those who have wanted the elder statesman of college football to step aside; those calls peaked in concert with Penn State’s struggles at the beginning of the decade, waned with the resurgence of the Nittany Lions in the middle of the decade, and his incapability of walking the sidelines for games is now furthering them. Paterno’s defenders, such as myself, point out that Penn State is coming off consecutive 11-win seasons for the first time since 1985-1986, and is facing a schedule in 2010 making Penn State the first team to face three teams that won BCS bowls (Ohio State, Iowa, and Alabama) in the previous season. That doesn’t look or sound like the doings of an “old” man.

Then I saw Paterno at the Big Tweleveten’s  annual media day.

I was literally shocked at what I saw.

Since the Blue-White intrasquad scrimmage in April, there has been a seriously noticeable decline in JoePa’s health. Paterno fought a couple of health issues over the summer; he had a dental infection that required antibiotics, and he had a reaction to those medications. Normally, those tend to be minor issues, but they seemed to take a major toll on an 83-year old. Media day was his first public appearance since the intrasquad game in April, and he seemed so much more like an “old” man then he ever has.

You know what they say, the cane always adds 20 years.

I get that he looked “old” a few years ago when he was being shuttled on a golf cart or ambling about with that cane, but that was when he was in obvious pain from an arthritic hip and/or a knee taken out by a Badger tight end. Then, he wore the frown of a tough guy fighting pain. Now, he shows no pain at all. Nor does he show his usual disdain for media events. Rather, his speech was slow, slurred, and featured none of JoePa’s usual sharp wit or incisive commentary. In fact, he seemed a bit of a doddering old man who just rambles on about whatever pops into his head. “Old” or not, that’s never been Paterno’s style.

Paterno’s modus operandi has always been one of incredible energy; energy that has always outstripped what it seemed his slight frame could contain. Before the knee injury he suffered during the Wisconsin game in 2006, Paterno was the only octogenarian I knew who ran from the tunnel onto the field every Saturday with his team. Paterno press conferences were at once an exercise in humility and a display of Paterno’s sense of sarcasm illustrating his disdain of the pointless and silly. Nobody could rip apart a reporter asking an inane question and still seem grandfatherly like Paterno. Now, he just seems like a grandfather.

That’s not an insult; nor am I suggesting that it is time for Joe to go. Rather, I would ask you to think about the cherished elders of your own family. The memories you hold most dear are when they were at their most vibrant. If you are my age, everybody’s house had a picture of one or both grandfathers in uniforms from World War II. If you are my age, you’ve never seen a sunrise under which Joe Paterno was not the head coach at Penn State. And if you are like me in your belief that Joe Paterno may be the single-most important figure in the history of college football, you were so busy watching him quietly become a larger-than-life figure that you missed the gradual downslope, especially since it was masked by so much success in the past few years.

Can't you just picture JoePa in the Marlon Brando role in "The Wild One?"

As much as I would like it to be, there aren’t two Joe Paternos; there is not both the legendary coach who in the minds of all true Penn State fans can still ride into your town on a Harley, take all your women, drink all your beer, and still find time to destroy your football team who then morphs into the kindly-yet-stern, occasionally temperamental grandfather. Even if there were two Paternos, they would both be made of the real Joe, which sadly is not immortal unlike the legacy he will ultimately leave.

And it is that legacy that compels the “Joe should go” crowd to, for lack of a better term, shut the fuck up. A lot of the squawking you’ve heard this week hasn’t really been about Paterno’s health at all. Instead, it is coming from a collage of self-centered boosters, fans, and alumni echoed by some reporters who care only of the won-loss record, and not for the man who built that which they cherish.

When Joe Paterno first arrived in State College as an assistant coach in 1950, Penn State was a “cow college” of which nobody had ever heard stashed away in the coal-mining and logging hills of central Pennsylvania. Now, The Pennsylvania State University is one of the pre-eminent research universities in the world and boasts one of the largest football stadia in this country; Joe Paterno played a major role in building both of them. As he built the football program into one of the best in the land, he was paid handsomely. However, with that income, Paterno in turn has donated millions to the university; so much so they named a library for him. You can’t swing a dead cat in a BCS conference without hitting a statue of an immortalized coach, but it’s hard to fire a guy whose name is on the library.

Trust me, it has a hell of a lot more than playbooks.

The man may have slowed down, but the program is still riding a wave of energy Paterno has been building for 60 years. It is easy to forget when Paterno started, television barely existed, and therefore was not a factor. In fact, when television began its relationship with college football,  there were coaches and NCAA officials who were worried it would kill attendance. It is that same energy that makes what he has accomplished in the latter part of his career possible. Paterno’s Nittany Lions have won at least nine games each year since 2005; three times they’ve notched at least 11 victories, and have been to the Rose Bowl once. Remember that all of this came after the dark years at the beginning of the decade when the “Joe should go” chants were the loudest.

Given all that success, one of the most impressive things Paterno has done is keep his coaching staff largely intact. People always talk about “coaching trees,” as in how many of a coaches’ disciples move on to head coaching jobs of their own. For example, even though Pete Carroll left town before Southern Cal landed in the NCAA’s doghouse (somewhere a Paterno team has never been, by the way…), he opened the doors for many of his staff to join the head coaching ranks. Lane Kiffin, Ed Orgeron, Steve Sarkisian, and Norm Chow (to name a few) all had their careers furthered by their association with Carroll. What better career builder could there possibly be in college football than having “Paterno” on your resume?

Don’t forget having “Paterno” on a resume means being associated with not only a living legend, but more bowl wins than anybody, two national championships (which should be at least three, and most likely four, but I don’t want to get into that argument here), five undefeated seasons, scores of All-Americans, a Heisman trophy winner, and a sizeable number of Hall-of-Famers, both at the collegiate and professional levels. Oh, and don’t forget JoePa is on the verge of 400 career wins, a number reached by nobody at the Division I level, and only reached by fellow legends Eddie Robinson of Grambling State (408) and John Gagliardi of St. John’s (Minnesota) (471).

What does this all mean? Simply stated, it means Paterno doesn’t need to be patrolling the sidelines, he doesn’t need to be on Twitter, and he’s doesn’t need to be in every living room on recruiting trips. He built the Penn State program into what it is; in fact he played a major role in building the whole damn university into what it is. He’s built a resume that no coach will ever again build, and anybody who is foolish enough not to relish the opportunity to draw water from the deepest well of knowledge in the history of the game isn’t worthy of wearing Penn State blue.

In short, as long as JoePa is JoePa, he should be revered and treasured for what he has done for Penn State and college football in general. I’m more than willing to admit that Joe may be showing the signs of age, but he still remains as the most important figure in the history of college football.

As it should be.

If Joe Paterno wants the end of his run to come on the sideline, or in the press booth, or in the president of Penn State’s office, he’s earned that right.  Meanwhile, you assholes who have been surfing the wave of success in the ocean Paterno created while saying he is no longer fit for the job need to shut your mouths until you get the gravitas having a library named after you brings.

Until then, shut your mouth or I will come to your house and shut it for you, most likely by hitting you in the face with a shovel.

College Football Week 3 – Stuff You Hopefully Already Know

“Mr. Kiffin, we have some good news, and some bad news…”

It’s not like Tennessee-Florida is a rivalry with enough heat in it, Lane Kiffin seriously upped the ante when he took the Volunteers’ top job. Upon arriving in Knoxville last winter, he immediately stoked Vol Nation with promises of singing “Rocky Top” in Gainesville all night long after beating the Gators. If that weren’t enough, Kiffin also riled up Florida with his allegations of NCAA violations by Pope Urban I.

Papal mercy: disemboweling, but no immolation.

Papal mercy: disemboweling, but no immolation.

Tennessee lost; but Kiffin managed to eat the eighty-pound breakfast burrito comprised of his own words, surviving both the girth and the spice being force-fed to him. While he won the “Man vs. Food” challenge by getting the Vols to make a respectable showing against Florida, having to digest the rest of the campaign through the SEC may cause Kiffin’s colon to burst.

 

Don’t You Hate It When Your Trojan Breaks? 

If you were waiting for Southern Cal’s annual gag-job, wait no longer.  Washington quarterback Jake Locker did his best emulation of what Matt Barkley did during Southern Cal’s game-winning drive in Columbus, leading the Huskies to their first win over the Trojans since 2001 and their first win over a ranked BCS conference team since 2003, all a week after ending the nation’s longest losing streak.

 

The Heisman is Supposed To Go To The “Best” Player 

Prior to every season, there are touted hopefuls; those who all expect to see at the at the Downtown Athletic Club in December – this years crop included Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford. Once the season begins, one of the anointed always drops out of the picture. Then there’s the guy who pops into the discussion.

jahvid best 

Enter California running back Jahvid Best. Since Bradford went down with a shoulder injury, Best has racked up a nation-leading nine touchdowns, including this past weekend’s signature five-score showing at Minnesota.

Granted, there is a lot of football left in this college season, but Best faces some long odds on winning the Heisman at this point. He is not a quarterback, who 8 of the 9 most recent winners have been, and the last west coast player to win the award who wasn’t a Southern Cal Trojan was Oregon State’s Terry Baker (also a quarterback) in 1962.

 

“Coach Hawkins, The Governor is on Line 1…”

Flanked by a priest and two badges carrying shotguns, Dan Hawkins is walked into a dark room somewhere deep in the bowels of Folsom Field. Only a creaky wooden chair connected to industrial strength wiring sitting under a single light saves the room from complete emptiness. The priest turns to Hawkins, whispering “It’s time, coach” in his ear.

Losing at home to in-state rival Colorado State for the first time in 23 years got the leather straps put around his wrists and ankles. Getting clubbed by Toledo got the wiring attached; a hand on the switch. Then came the awkward silence; the waiting for the clock to strike the appointed hour, a silence shattered in an instant shattered by the ringing of a red phone on the wall. One of the shotgun-toting badges glares at Hawkins from under the visor of his cap pulled low while he reaches for the phone.

“Hello?…Yes, Governor…I understand. Your order will be carried out,” the badge grunts disapprovingly out of the side of his grizzled mouth. “Take him back to his cell. The Governor says today is not the day.”

Dan Hawkins, pictured here as a small dog, delays the inevitable.

Dan Hawkins, pictured here as a small dog, delays the inevitable.

Why the reprieve after the aforementioned futilities and posting a 13-26 record in 3 seasons-plus at Colorado? Let’s face it…if your job depends on beating the hapless Wyoming Cowboys, the stay of execution is just that; a stay. Now, it just seems a matter of when the switch will be thrown, as the schedule doesn’t favor Hawkins and the Buffaloes. The next three games hold most-likely unwinnable trips to West Virginia and Texas, followed by a visit from the Kansas Jayhawks.

Even the kids can’t wait to throw the switch.

 

Circus Maximus at Autzen Stadium?

Two weeks ago, the Oregon Ducks looked like a team flirting with an implosion on the scale of the last days of the Roman Empire. Their star running back was suspended indefinitely after the brawl he tried to start in the aftermath of the 19-8 loss at Boise State. Last week, the Ducks needed some late game heroics to stave off a home loss to Big Eleven Ten doormat Purdue. The season looked to hold the peril usually carried by throngs of “Attila the Hun” types thundering over the horizon.

What a difference a week makes. Oregon rebuffed the enemy at the gates by bringing about on Saturday the decline and fall of Utah’s national-best 16-game winning streak.

Duck head coach Chip Kelly avoided becoming a green and yellow Romulus Augustus, side-stepping overthrow at the hands of Odoacer by keeping his team together in the face of the Hun onslaught. The win against the Utes coupled with Southern Cal suffering an early-season conference loss sets the stage Saturday for a showdown with California in Strawberry Canyon; the winner having the inside track to win the Festival of Consualia known as the Pac-10.

 

Get Ready for the Over-Rating of Michigan

The University of Michigan has nearly 400,000 alumni world-wide, all of whom believe the maize and blue represents the greatest program not only in the history of college football, but in the history of everything ever. This is how a team that went 3-9 last year can claim national ranking after beating the likes of Northern Michigan, Southern Michigan Eastern Michigan, Western Michigan, and an over-hyped Notre Dame squad.

Even people without ESPN know the truth.

Even people without ESPN know the truth.

If Michigan gets all the to Penn State with only one loss (consecutive road games at Michigan State and Iowa offer the loss potential; The Wolvies aren’t likely to lose to Indiana and Delaware State in the “Big House”), brace yourself for a Wolvie-gasm that’s been two years in the making. It’s been at least that long since the “Go Blue” crowd has had anything to get excited about, and they may just begin erupting like sailors on shore leave.

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