Be warned the following post is Rated “R” largely because it includes an uncensored Rex Ryan…
The other day, the New York Jets introduced their new media sensation to the New York press. While that press conference was widely covered, the introduction between Tim Tebow and Jets coach Rex Ryan was kept largely under wraps. Until now.
Lets’ be honest…nobody really knows how this relationship is going to play out in the future, but we do know that you really couldn’t find two more divergent personalities. However, thanks to our vast network of spies, we here at Dubsism did manage to obtain a transcript of the first meeting of the two men who promise to dominate the New York football headlines for the immediate future.
TT: (knocks on office door) Coach Ryan, are you in here?
RR: What the fuck is up, kid? Come on in. (throws Tebow a beer) Have a brewski, kid!
TT: Uh, thanks Coach, but I don’t…
RR: (interrupts) Don’t you shit me now, boy! I ain’t never met a catholic yet who didn’t like to get good an’ fucked up. Now sit your ass down and have a beer with your new coach.
TT: (stares uncomfortably at the beer) But I’m not catholic, Sir. I’m a Christian.
RR: What the fuck ever. So, what can I do for you?
TT: Well, Sir…
RR: (interrupts) First of all, you’re gonna have to knock off that “Sir” bullshit. Call me either “Rex” or “Coach.”
TT: OK…well, Sir…er, I mean Coach Rex, I just thought I would come by, introduce myself, and maybe get a playbook.
RR: Well, don’t worry about the playbook quite yet. We really don’t quite know what the hell we are going to do yet.
TT: Whatever you say, Coach. I will do whatever the team needs.
RR: (cracks another beer) No, you’ll do whatever the fuck I tell you. You gonna drink that beer or are you waiting until you change your tampon?
TT: But, Coach, I tried to tell you that I don’t drink.
RR: (Leans forward in his chair) I told you to drink that fuckin’ beer. Now drink it.
TT: (cracks beer, pretends to take a sip) Uhhh, this stuff smells like Kyle Orton.
RR: That’s better. Now let me tell you what I’m thinking here. People like you, kid, and that’s gonna be a big help when they figure out the team isn’t any good. I can’t figure out why they re-signed that pile of monkey nuts Sanchez. God, he sucks (facepalm). Anyway, eventually I want you to do here what you did in Denver. I don’t have the first fuckin’ clue how you did that, but I will tell you this. Your relationship with the media and your off-field activities will be as important as what you do on the fuckin’ field.
TT: I’m not sure I understand what you mean, Coach…
RR: Listen here, Opie. You could get away with selling that “Charlie Church” routine out there in Denver, Punksylvania, but here in New York, the media is always going to be looking for cracks in your story, and somebody is eventually going to get some fuckin’ dirt on you. Nothing will kill you faster than getting caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. You don’t like feet by any chance, do you?
TT: Excuse me, Coach?
RR: Never mind. The point is that eventually your little altar boy routine is going to get blown up.
TT: But it’s not a “routine,” Coach.
RR: Yeah. Of course it isn’t, kid. And I can see my own dick without putting a mirror on the floor (chuckles).
TT: Honest, Coach. I’m not pretending for anything. I really believe in…
RR: (interrupts) Yeah, yeah, yeah…what the fuck ever. Look kid, just understand that here there will be tons of skanks who would love to be on the front page for suckin’ your guts out through the end of your dick. All it takes is one to fuck this whole thing up.
TT: That won’t be a problem, Coach.
RR: It better not be, or else this will happen to you (leans toward the door in his chair). HEY SANCHEZ!!! GET YOUR COCK-LOVING ASS IN HERE!!! NOW!!! (Sanchez enters the room in a Pulp Fiction-type “Gimp” outfit, complete with shock-collar)
RR: This here’s the deal, boy (pulls a remote control out of his desk). It’s one thing to be a shitty quarterback, hell, this league is full of them. But it’s another to be a shitty quarterback who is a liability off the field. See what he’s wearing? The outfit is all because this jerk-off got caught porking a 17-year old last year. So now, he gets to wear the “Suit of Shame” (presses button, at which time Sanchez becomes a screaming electro-convulsive pile of uncontrolled bodily functions). Some people just have to learn the hard way (looks down at Sanchez). Don’t they, Dipshit?
Sanchez: (screams muffled by leather zipper mask)
TT: (horrified, drops beer) Oh, my…I mean, I understand, Coach.
RR: You goddamn well better, kid. You’re here because Electro-Nuts down there doesn’t seem to get the message . I’d really hate to have to pump 50,000 volts through your Holy Trinity (hits button again).
Sanchez: (screams muffled by leather zipper mask)
Throughout life, we deal with units of measure. To me, the most interesting are scales; where a level of intensity is assigned to an event or quality based on a quantifiable measure. The world of weather brings us the Saffir-Simpson scalefor hurricane intensity or the Fujita scale for tornadoes. Seismologists categorizes earthquakes according to the Richter scale.
However, as a sports fan I’ve noticed there is a discernable level of jerk-like behavior present in NFL quarterbacks. Moreover, once I noticed the stratification of this behavior, I discovered that it too needed a rating scale so we may better understand the levels of douchebag present in any quarterback. It is crucial to note this rating scale is completely independent of on-the-field performance.
Click here to see the full list.
- Dubsism is a proud member of the Sports Blog Movement
Several important football lessons were learned this weekend, both in the college ranks and in the NFL. So, without wasting time on a clever introduction, let’s just cut to the important stuff…
1) What Do Cam Newton and Notre Dame have in common?
To be blunt, they are both now officially over-rated. The Irish are getting all sorts of love for beating a Michigan State team that couldn’t stop shooting itself in the face, and Newton hung up another 400+ yard passing performance against a team that couldn’t put pass-rush pressure on him. The fun part is they are both over-rated for the same reason…they both committed three turnovers, which is NEVER acceptable. In the case of Notre Dame, the only reason they won is because Michigan State did a better job of beating themselves than the Irish did. When it comes to Newton, passing yard totals are nice, but one touchdown to three picks isn’t going to fly in this league…ever. A nice start for getting off the over-rated list would be for Notre Dame to beat a real team away from the shadow of “Surrender Jesus,” and for the Cam-shaft to win a ballgame, period.
2) The Early Leaders in Terrible
The Kansas City Chiefs, Indianapolis Colts, and the Minnesota Vikings. The Chiefs and the Colts just flat-out have no hope, and the Vikings found a way to blow a double-digit lead late. These three teams may not win 10 games combined.
As far as the NCAA is concerned, it was hard not to notice how overmatched Ohio State looked against Miami. For that matter, it was hard not to notice that most of the Big Twelevten looked generally shitty. There’s the aforementioned Michigan State debacle. Then there’s the Penn State offense, which looks like eleven shock-therapy patients whacked out on Goofenthal. The only Big Ten team which didn’t look lousy against real competition was Iowa, and that was only in the fourth quarter.
3) The Redskins are STILL not as good as they look
And that goes for the Bills and the Lions as well. There are teams with a 2-0 mark after two weeks; the Patriots, the Packers, the Jets, the Texans, the Bills, the Lions, and the Redskins. There’s no way all of those last three are making the playoffs. However, I’ve got to give credit to Mike Shanahan for one thing…even though Rex Grossman still sucks, he sucks less than Donovan McNabb.
4) Bronco fans are retarded
Check out the mindset behind this billboard.
“We believe in Coach Fox. We’re just tired of Kyle Orton. We were sitting around after Fox said he didn’t hear the chants for (Tim) Tebow and we figured if he’s deaf, we hope he’s not blind.”
It’s crap like this that makes me think Denver doesn’t deserve an NFL team. First of all, the Broncos have been mediocre at best for close to fifteen years. The last few years have been a long, slow descent into suckitude, and there’s no way Tim Tebow changes that.
If you don’t believe that, look at it this way. If you say you believe in John Fox, then it is time for you to remember he has coached a team in the Super Bowl far more recently than the Broncos have been there, and Fox damn near beat the Patriots with a hump like Jake Delhomme as his quarterback. That means John Fox has forgotten more than you will ever know about what it takes to be a quarterback in the NFL, Mr. Bronco Fan.
That also means if you believe in John Fox, then you would also believe that he’s correct in saying Orton is the better starting quarterback than Tebow. Instead, you are out putting up billboards showing off your idiocy.
If you hadn’t noticed, Tebow isn’t even qualified to handle the clipboard. Remember, John Fox knows more than you, and John Fox’s number two man isn’t Tebow…it’s Brady Quinn. Let that sink in for a moment; a guy who knows waaaaaay more than you about quarterbacks thinks even BRADY FREAKING QUINN rates better on the depth chart than Tebow. So, where’s the “Start Brady Quinn” billboard?
Pull your heads out of your collective asses and understand something about Orton. He has a winning record as a starting quarterback despite the fact he’s played for Lovie Smith and Josh McDaniels, two coaches who have combined for exactly two winning season since 2006, and Orton was the starting quarterback in BOTH of them. He has a record of 22-10 as a starter at home; he DOESN’T suck.
Tebow is your future for a host of reasons, not the least of which is this guarantees Orton leaves town as a free-agent, and no other decent quarterback will sign on to be the guy you boo in favor of Timmy Rah-Rah. But the future isn’t now, and you need to come to terms with that. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… Kyle Orton is not, repeat IS NOT the reason the Broncos suck.
5) Tony Romo showed some balls
I can’t believe I’m defending Tony Romo in two consecutive weeks, but all the people who piled on him last week now have to give credit where it is due. Leading a comeback in overtime after suffering a cracked rib counters everything that was said about Romo last week; namely he’s soft and he chokes in big-game moments. Granted, he needs to pull moments like yesterday more often, but he can only do it one Sunday at a time.
Without a bunch of fluff, it’s time to look at some things that happened last week that you won’t see again this week. In other words, let’s not go overboard on some things:
1) The Redskins are not as good as they looked, and the Giants aren’t as bad as they looked (but not by much). It’s hard to get a good read on the true state of the Giants defense without Justin Tuck and Osi Umenyora, not to mention the rest of the injuries the G-men have suffered. However, the offensive line couldn’t stop a conga line, which means Eli Manning could end up in a body cast just like his brother. Don’t swallow the hype, Rex Grossman isn’t the second coming of John Elway, no matter how delusional Mike Shanahan is.
2) Before we anoint Cam Newton as the greatest player in the history of ever, can I at least see him look like an NFL quarterback against an NFL defense? The Cardinals don’t count. They didn’t even bother pressuring Newton until the second half, and when they did, they decided not covering Steve Smith was a good idea. Who wants to take a bet that this season Cam Newton and Steve Smith don’t come anywhere near the numbers they posted last week?
3) Tim Tebow. Bronco fans need to quit bitching; Kyle Orton is not, repeat IS NOT the reason your team sucks. Until Orton plays defense, stop busting his balls.
4) Tony Romo won’t pull another choke job. As much as Romo has a reputation for being a choker, it’s Jerry Jones who can’t get Romo’s jock out of his throat. For some reason, Jones sees Troy Aikman when he looks at Romo. But to be fair, Aikman had a far better set of playmakers around him. Romo’s had the same pressure, and a hodge-podge, B+ at best supporting cast. Don’t get me wrong, Romo is still a mediocre at-best quarterback, but there are still a lot worse options out there. What do you think the Cowboy offense might look like with Donovan “39 passing yards” McNabb at the helm?
5) The Steelers won’t commit seven turnovers again. However, their performance last week begs a question: When did the Steelers get old? According to all the NFL punditry, they weren’t old in August, but they are old now? Did they age twenty years in the last three weeks?
There’s two weeks until the first weekend of the NFL regular season, and I’ve already got a belly full of the quarterback controversy in Denver. From the moment the Broncos used a first-round pick to draft Tim Tebow, both he and Kyle Orton have been joined at the hip in what has to be one of the silliest quarterback controversies ever. I understand that most of these controversies are borne of two factors; the idiocy of the average NFL fan and the need of the 24-hour sports media to keep those idiots tuned in. But it needs to stop.
That’s right…I just said the fan base of the most popular sport in this country is as dumb as a pail full of rusty hammers. Face it, everything that has that level of popularity has to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Nowhere illustrates this better that the Tebow-Orton story.
A month ago, Denver fans couldn’t wait (and probably still would like to see) Orton traded away. It won’t happen, and it shouldn’t happen. First of all, there’s the fact the Orton is 32-29 as a starter in this league. When you stop to consider that counts seasons with a mostly mediocre-at-best Bears team and a mostly-terrible Broncos squad, that’s at least worthy of note. It gets better when you consider Orton over his career has completed 58.8% (better than Hall-of-Famers Bart Starr, Len Dawson, Sonny Jurgensen, Fran Tarkenton, Roger Staubach, and some guy now in the Bronco front office named John Elway) of his passes and nets 11.3 yards per completion (better than fellow ex-Boilermaker Drew Brees). Whether you want to admit it or not, Orton is a legitimate starting quarterback in the NFL.
Most importantly, it won’t happen because the Broncos paid Orton. The Broncos knew that keeping Orton meant a contractual bump in his base salary from $2.6 million to $7.37 million ($5.35 million guaranteed) plus a guaranteed bonus of $1.5 million. In other words, if they were going to deal Orton, they would have done so before they were on the hook for over at least $7 million.
Believe it or not, the Tebow situation all comes down to money as well. Tebow’s base salary is $9.75 million spread over five years, but that is not the real problem when it comes to discussions of cutting him. The real problem is what is the perceived value of a first-round draft pick. That’s the real price of admitting drafting Tebow in the first-round was a mistake. Stop and think about it. Tebow represents a figure who has a huge fanbase (since he entered the league, more Tebow jerseys have been sold that Tom Brady’s), draws interest (love him or hate him), and he’s relatively cheap for a quarterback. The bottom line is the Broncos have nothing to lose by keeping him on the roster and everything to lose by getting rid of him.
The realities of the business of football are completely lost on the average brain-dead NFL fan. There’s a huge difference between being a real general manager in the NFL and running y0ur fantasy football team. In other words, there are considerations which whether you choose to see it or not go beyond on-the-field performance.
Take the jersey sales for an example. In that fact alone, Tebow provides both free advertising for the Broncos and provides a revenue stream for the league as a whole. Then there’s the fan base he brings. Tebow really is the only reason anybody give gives a frog’s watertight ass about the Broncos, who are going to be slightly worse than a last-place team. This was the reason he generated such interest last year when he started the last three games of the season, and the same is likely to happen this year. If you think for a minute the Broncos will cut Tebow to keep Brady Quinn and Adam Weber on the roster, you should be declared legally retarded.
This brings up another powerful indictment of the low -wattage in the brain bulbs of the average NFL fan. For all the “Orton and Tebow gotta go” talk, where’s the discussion of a viable alternative? I’m not hearing that groundswell for Brady Quinn. I didn’t hear the clamor to get another quarterback when so many of them were available. Football fans in this country have all suddenly acquired a knee-jerk, herd mentality. This means if more than two of the blow-dries at ESPN say something, suddenly it becomes fact. This is exactly how a month ago Orton was on the train out of town and Tebow was the chosen one and today Tebow’s stock is lower than the scrotum on an old man in a sauna.
This is another thing the Broncos risk by cutting Tebow. Even the most ardent Tebow-haters say “he isn’t ready to be an NFL quarterback….right now.” The simple fact that nobody is willing to say “never” like when “the experts” were lining up to bury JaMarcus Russell is exactly why the Broncos are redicent to get rid of him. They’ve got four more cheap years to find out, and if they let him go and for some reason he does become a legitimate player somewhere else, the Broncos look even more foolish.
Having said that, don’t be “that guy” who writes me a comment telling me how stupid I am because I think Tebow can be a player int he NFL. I’m not saying that at all. Nobody really knows yet. What I am saying is that there is far more to this puzzle in both the case of Tebow and Orton than what happens on the field.
Despite what some dilcue like Merill Hoge says, it isn’t always true. While football is a sport, the NFL is a business. Sometimes, you have to look past what is coming out of the TV talking heads and look at the business realities of a situation.
An Open Letter to Denver Broncos Fans: Kyle Orton is the Greatest Athlete in the History of Ever REVISITED
Apparently, I have to dig this article out of the Dubsism archives. The fact that ESPN just will not leave the whole Orton-Tebow thing alone; in fact they are decidedly trying to inflame a situation that is clearly not a situation means I have no choice but to reprise this article originally posted on August 25th, 2009. Then, as now, the whole point is that Kyle Orton DOES NOT SUCK. To re-inforce that point, I’m simply going to quote myself, with some added (and pointed) commentary.
I’m not going to beat around the bush here, Bronco fans. You don’t have to like the trade that sent Jay Cutler to Chicago and brought the Neckbeard to the Mile High City. You don’t have to like his 3-interception performance in his Denver debut (and even I will admit that left-handed interception against Seattle was powerfully lame). You don’t even have to like the fact that your team has historically led the league in ugly-ass uniforms. But you have to like Kyle Orton.
OK, Bronco fans…look me in the eye and tell me you would have rather had Jay Cutler after last season. Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Sure, we could sit here and argue about a bunch of statistical stuff, but that isn’t really the point behind why you must like Kyle Orton. Rather, you must understand that Orton is what every moderately-talented and under-ambitious 20-something guy wishes he could be. He has the super-hero like quality to be mediocre yet successful, and most importantly, immune to criticism. Face it, Bronco-maniacs. You will never see Orton curled up in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably over the slings and arrows you may cast. You have to understand that the Neckbeard is born of different stuff than us mere mortals.
You also won’t see Orton pouting on the sidelines, or having his will to play questioned.
In short, he’s living the life you wish you could.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Even if Orton were the complete shitpile of a quarterback you dipshits want to think he is, he is still living a better life than you ever will.
Picture a gray November 1982 in that American Mesopotamia known as Iowa. A baby who will someday become the Neckbeard springs forth genie-like from a party-size jug of Jack Daniel’s. He is raised by an unsuspecting Iowegian family, who don’t realize the young Orton is different until they realize his talent to raise his arm and cast a football a mighty distance. It is an ability that is almost as impressive as his ability to double-fist alcohol in amounts heretofore unseen in those parts (legend has it he once consumed an entire stock dam filled with Grain Belt beer).
The powers given unto young Orton drew the attention of the Tiller-stache, who brought the prodigy to Purdue. Orton walked onto the field, pushed aside whatever slag-heap the Boilermakers were pretending was a starting quarterback, and filled the skies over Ross-Ade stadium with pigskin. When nearly 50% of those balls resulted in positive yardage, and when Orton threw only ten less touchdowns than interceptions, the Neckbeard was born.
Eventually, the Neckbeard outgrew West Lafayette; moving to the land of the NFL, and he has no idea how. By his own description, Orton awoke at the 2005 NFL Draft next to a crowd of spectators and large black man in a Bears jersey. Dumbfounded by the sudden rush of attention, he cast his road-map eyes into the crowd and said “Forget about Grossman, put your faith in the Neckbeard.”
Oh, here’s a fun little tidbit we overlooked originally…The Bears would have won that Super Bowl against the Colts if Lovie Smith had pulled his head out of his ass and yanked Rex Grossman off the field. Wanna know why? The Bears lost because “Sexy Rexy” coudln’t stop chucking picks; go look at Orton’s career touchdown-to-interception ratio.
He gained fame for his ability at first to out drink the entire Chicago Bears team, then the entire city. His fame only grew when his tales of mass consumption were combined with his exploits with the ladies of Chicago.
Now, Denver, the Neckbeard is all yours.
The whole point of that story is to make Bronco fans understand what they really have. Orton is considered to be one of the most laid-back and mediocre quarterbacks of all time. Orton is considered to be one of the legendary drinkers of our time. He is also noted for his prowess with the ladies, having earned the reputation as a master swordsman, thus ranking him as the greatest athlete in the history of ever.
If you are yet unconvinced that Kyle Orton is living your dream life, compare the average day in his life to yours.
A Typical Day at Kyle Orton’s House:
2:00 p.m. – Wake up, smoke a joint
3:00 p.m. – Call buddies, have them grab a couple of cases of beer on their way over to the crib
4:00 p.m. – Smoke another joint and watch Dr. Phil, because seriously that shit is hilarious
5:00 p.m. – Make up some excuses for missing practice
6:00 p.m. – Play Xbox, drink beer, and smoke up with buddies until it is time to go clubbing
9:00 p.m. – Head out to the club, drink enough liquor to float a moderately-sized naval vessel and select chicks for after-hours Neckbeard orgy
2:30 a.m. – Neckbeard orgy
5:00 a.m. – Send chicks home in a cab, smoke a joint, go to sleep
OK, so the only thing that really changed here is sometime during the night, Orton and his boys might pull some sort of prank on Tebow; the guy’s at Domino’s are figuring out that if Tebow orders 50 large pepperonis with extra cheese, its usually a gag.
Now, for the pay-off…
So, Orton makes $3 million dollars a year to play football, and gets to do nothing but drink constantly, hang out with his crew, and nail the sort of chicks over which you could only fondle yourself. Keep that in mind the next time your nine-dollar-an-hour-overnight-mall-security-guard ass wants to lip off.
UPDATE: 4/23/2010 – Kyle Orton Promoted to God
You shouldn’t cheer for the Chicago Bears anyway; we’ve documented that quite well over the past few weeks. However, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler exudes such a rare combination of smarminess and suckitude that no self-respecting fan should support him or the Bears, who also believe they are better than they are. Colin Cowherd made mention of this fact on Friday on his radio show. But this isn’t about how the Bears, should they win, would be the worst Super Bowl team ever. Rather this is about why you should want to see Cutler peeling bits of frozen Soldier Field dirt out of his facemask. After all, the resounding majority of you would not be Facebook friends with him.
1) Even Referees Don’t Like Him
Referees are supposed to be completely impartial, which is how you know that backhand bitch slap was perfectly accidental (wink, nudge…) It’s not like NFL officials have had to listen Cutler whine every time he gets picked off, throws an incompletion, or gets stapled to the turf, which by our count combined happens about 70 times a game.
2) Cutler is a Massive Crybaby
Refer back to Reason #1. Cutler routinely breaks out his crying towel for more than just officials. Just look a the sullen pout he pulls off during a post loss press conference; the one after the game against Washington when he made the Redskins’ DeAngelo Hall the all-time Bears’ leading receiver was my favorite example.
This is the big word Wikipedia uses for when a search term returns multiple topics. Google “Jay Cutler” and a lot of the hits you are going to get refer to the overly-bronzed side of beef shown above. It seems that as well as being a pick-throwing whiner, Jay Cutler is also a former Mr. Olympia who is clearly over-compensating for being the namesake of such a monumental tool.
4) The Kyle Orton Connection
It has been a long-established tenet here at Dubsism that Kyle Orton is the Greatest Athlete in the History of Ever. However, thanks to the trade between the Broncos and the Bears, Orton’s name is forever linked with Cutler’s. As far as quarterback play in concerned, this may be the classic example of a guy who isn’t flashy, but doesn’t make mistakes versus a guy who has that sexy big arm coaches fall in love with, but ultimately will get you killed through his complete cement-headed uncoachability.
5) He Hasn’t Destroyed Lovie Smith’s Career Nearly Fast Enough
I completely can’t figure this one out; it’s like Lovie Smith is Superman in Stupid World, but for some reason Stupid Kryptonite doesn’t kill Stupid Superman. What the hell else does a guy have to do to get fired? If it weren’t for his hatred of Kyle Orton, he’d have a Super Bowl ring by now. If he would have benched that shithead Rex Grossman in favor of Orton in the Super Bowl against the Colts, we wouldn’t be subjected to Tony Dungy’s bible-thumping assholery now. I wonder if he and Mike Shanahan get together and fondle themselves over pictures of “Sexy Rexy?”
The fact this Bears team has reached an NFC Championship team means offensive coordinator Mike Martz has been “legitimitized” for at least one more NFL job after the fraud that is the Bears’ offense is exposed and he gets the firing he so richly deserves. To that end, you would have thought trading for the fully-automated, hydraulically-powered interception machine known as Jay Cutler would have been the end of the Smith regime, but even accidental success is a savior.
6) If Wal-Mart Sold a Shitty, Guatemalan-Made Tom Brady…Cutler Would Be It
We all know what buying a knock-off is like. It offers all the promise, yet none of the price. Of course, the packaging hasn’t even made its way to the dumpster yet by the time you’ve discovered you just flushed your cash down the crapper. Who the hell buys Jay Cutler as a “GQ” guy like Tom Brady? Frankly, I can’t decide which screams “alternative lifestyle” more…the overly-coiffed fashion model look or the oiled-up bodybuilder? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
7) Jay Cutler Really Is the Most Interesting Douche In The World
8 ) His Incredibly Annoying Survivability
Cutler has made a living playing behind offensive lines that look more like the row of turnstiles in a subway station. Yet, he keeps coming back. Let’ s be honest, how he didn’t get yanked during that pick-fest against the Redskins is beyond me.
I mean, Tony Romo at least had the common decency to suffer a season-ending injury, and Lord knows the Giants gave Cutler every chance to do the same. But, no, Cutler couldn’t do the honorable thing; rather he has subjected us all to a season of barely competent quarterback play.
God help us all if the Bears beat the Packers on Sunday, because that would only serve to further the illusion that Jay Cutler and this band of frauds known as the Chicago Bears are a legitimate championship-caliber football team.
Now that 2010 is in the books, it is time to recognize some truly great achievements in the world of sport that may otherwise go unnoticed. With that, I give you the 2010 Dubsy Awards.
The Mickey Klutts Award for Unfortunate Naming
Winner: Gregor Fucka
I don’t care if he’s almost 40 years old, an NBA team needs to bring Fucka to North America. Fucka is a 7’1″ center/forward who most recently played with Fortitudo Bologna in the Italian League. But this isn’t about talent, this is about all the great nicknames and headlines that a name like Fucka would bring. You know you would be lining up for you “Mean Mutha Fucka” T-shirt.
The Bobby KnightAward for Achievements in Dramatic Public Meltdowns
Winner: Lou Piniella
This award may have been the closest vote amongst the staff here at Dubsism, but in the end Cubs manager Lou Pinella prevailed for his tirade about White Sox broadcaster Steve Stone. In all honesty, Lou won over several qualified nominees because Lou not only raised the bar by calling out a fellow player who moved onto another facet of the game, he did so by producing another Pinella gem of a meltdown. Sure, he wasn’t chucking second base into the outfield or kicking dirt on an umpire, but it was classic Lou as only Lou can do.
Winner: Alphie the Wolf
What would make a perfect mascot for a team named the Aces? Well, if you are in Reno, the answer is a Grimace rip-off and a low-rent wolf borrowed from the local university who is headed for a workmen’s compensation claim.
The Budd Dwyer Award for Excellence in Career Suicide
Winner: Dan Hawkins
What do you call a coach who racked up a record of 19-39 over five seasons, never won more than six games in a season, never won a bowl game, and asked for a raise? A) Not likely to keep his job, and B) not likely to get another job.
Kyle Ringo of the The BOULDER (CO) DAILY CAMERA reports that Hawkins, who is under contract until 2012 and has gone 16-33 in his career at CU – 3-9 last season – recently confirmed on the record that he had requested a contract extension.
In a meeting of head coaches in the Colorado athletic department earlier this summer, a senior staff member asked the Buffs` head football coach if there was one thing the department could do to help his program succeed this season, what would it be? Multiple sources in the room that day told the Camera Hawkins responded by saying the school could give him a contract extension.
Nearly as stunning as his tone deaf request was Hawkins confirming the conversation on the record. Hawkins confirmed the story after practice Wednesday. When asked why he chose to answer the question the way he did, he said, “Just the continuity, stability.”
When Ringo cited the fact that Hawkins still had three years left on his contract, Hawkins said, “To some degree. But you`re talking to recruits and guys on your team and all that kind of stuff.” Ringo reported that in response to the request, Colorado Athletic Director Mike Bohn indicated, “he hasn’t had any discussions with Hawkins about an extension and there are no plans for such a discussion.”
Bohn quote: “Speculation about coach`s tenure is always a delicate issue.Our process involving approval from the chancellor followed by approval from the Board of Regents is well documented, and I have great confidence and respect for our long-term contracts. We support Dan and we will evaluate him and the football program at the end of the season just as we do with all of our coaches.”
That response is almost worthy of an award of its own for pure diplomacy, considering it was widely reported last year that Hawkins went over Bohn’s head to the school chancellor and board of regents to save his job after a 3-9 2009 season. But the last straw had to be after not having won a road game in nearly three years, the Buffaloes blew a 45-17 lead in only 12 minutes against the uber-crappy Kansas Jayhawks.
The Ed Hochuli Award for the Best Call
Winner: The guy holding the sign
Honorable Mention: Houston Astros field reporter Amy What’s-Her-Name for nicknaming this guy “Bo the Bailer.” Honestly, we’ve been big fans of Amy’s ever since she was accosted on live television by Jim Deshaies’ dad. We just wish we could remember her name.
The Jason Sehorn Award for Being Completely Overrated
Co-Winners: Tim Tebow and LeBron James
These two guys are really two sides of the same coin; that coin being having never accomplished anything at the professional level. Tim Tebow became the the most sold jersey before he ever took an NFL snap, and the only thing LeBron has ever done to this point is make the Cleveland Cavaliers not suck for a few brief years. Even now, Tebow is a rookie quarterback on a lousy team that isn’t likely to not be lousy anytime soon, and LeBron is a star, but in a dying league. Yet they both draw a monstrously inordinate amount of attention.
The Clinton-Nixon Award for Cover-Up Futility
Winner: Mike Garrett
Let’s face it…As the USC athletic director, Garrett’s attempt to make us all think Rome wasn’t burning was about as successful as the original attempt, minus the violin. It became very apparent early on that the whole Reggie Bush – OJ Mayo thing was going to become a monstrous problem. It is one thing to slip a kid some cash or even a car, but when you are buying houses for parents, that’s a bit harder to maintain the “discreet” factor at a level that won’t have the NCAA parachuting into your parking lot. The “smoking gun moment” came when head coach Pete Carroll skulked out of town Irsay-like in the middle of the night for the Seattle Seahawks’ job despite the fact he had already failed twice as an NFL coach.
The Charles O. Finley Award for Achievements in Cheap
Winner: The Pittsburgh Pirates
The Pirates made nearly $29.4 million in 2007 and 2008, according to team financial documents, years that were part of a streak of futility that has now reached 18 consecutive losing seasons. The team’s ownership also paid its partners $20.4 million in 2008. The documents offer a rare peek inside a team that made money by getting slightly less than half its income (about $70 million) from MLB sources — including revenue sharing, network TV, major league merchandise sales and MLB’s website. The team also held down costs, keeping player salaries near the bottom of the National League, shedding pricier talent and hoping that untested prospects would blossom. By 2010, the Pirates had baseball’s lowest opening-day payroll; $34.9 million or just $2 million more than in 1992, the club’s last winning season. It’s no coincidence the Pirates run of consecutive losing seasons is now the worst in the history of major American pro sports teams.
The Joe Kapp Award for Being Run Out of Town
Winner: Ralph Friedgen
Named in honor of the former NFL quarterback who was made the highest-paid player in the league by the then-Boston Patriots in 1970, only to be literally locked out of training camp the following season. This is an honor bestowed upon someone who gets the “bum’s rush” despite success. This year’s winner took a 2-10 Maryland club to a 9-4 mark, including a convincing bowl win over East Carolina. For his trouble, he was both named ACC Coach of the Year and fired.
The Bobby Layne Award for Best Performance While Drunk
Winner: Pat McAfee
Despite the fact they barely got under the wire into the playoffs, this has not been a good year for the Indianapolis Colts. First, there was the choke job in the Super Bowl by franchise quarterback “Fetushead” Manning. Then there has been the rash of injuries that reduced the Colts to the Ponies. But nothing tops having the Indianapolis police fish your drunken punter out of a canal.
McAfee seemed to be taking advantage of the Colts’ bye week by getting good and hammered, then taking a refreshing dip in an Indianapolis city canal. He had difficulty explaining to police why he was completely wet and half-naked as he stood in a popular neighborhood primarily known for its nightlife; other than “I am drunk.” The cops said that McAfee’s blood-alcohol content level was 0.15, when McAfee was taken into custody around 5 a.m. It seems McAfee was so bombed when police arrived, McAfee reportedly told them that he was waiting for a friend to come get him, but then told the officers that he was planning on taking a taxi home, and on story number three said he was walking home. That was when Indianapolis police decided the decision shouldn’t be left up to McAfee, so they arrested him. It also seems McAfee was so drunk that they had to help him stand up and take the the breathalyzer test; police became aware of the situation when they recieved a 911 call from a frantic woman, who said that a shirtless man approached her car. The woman apparently thought that McAfee was trying to get in her car, so she ran a red light and dropped a dime on McAfee.
The Artis Gilmore Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness
Winner: Troy Polamalu
This is a category that is never, ever short of qualified nominees, but the clear choice has to be Troy Polamalu, if for no other reason he has broken a barrier by introducing us to hair insurance.
The Kyle Orton Award for Achievements in Partying
Winner: Tim Lincecum
A major part of winning this award is building a solid reputation as a party animal. Lots of people get busted for possession of a little weed; and Dock Ellis broke the “pitching while wasted” barrier. But when you are on the cover of Sports Illustrated blasting champagne, you were picked because everybody knows you can party. Let’s be honest, that SI cover just ain’t working with Joe Paterno on it.
The Vinko Bogotaj Award For Epic Failure
Winner: Dee Dee Jernigan
Again, this is a category literally dripping with outstanding and well-deserving contenders. But to take home an award as prestigious as a Dubsy, you must set yourself apart in your category. Honestly, there really can’t be another winner than Xavier’s Dee Dee Jernigan. There is almost nothing more fundamental in basketball than a lay-up, and there can’t be anymore of a monumental failure than Jernigan’s bricking 2 undefended lay-ups in less than 12 seconds to cost her team a trip to the Womens’ Final Four.
The Gene Mauch Lifetime Achievement Award
Winner: Bud Grant
This award is given annually to somebody who has been around forever, but never won anything. This year, we finally got around to the legendary Minnesota Vikings head coach, who was notorious for banning heaters at outdoor games in Minnesota and forbidding players to have contact with their wives the night before a game. He’s the only guy in both the Canadian and American football Halls of Fame, but he’s also 0-4 in Super Bowls, which is why he so richly deserves this award.
When you are a kid, two things that get your juices going are music and sports. Face it, being good at either was the ticket to Chick-town, and since I was 14 with enough testosterone surging through my veins to kill a man in his 50’s, I got involved in both because I was taking any ticket I could.
Fast forward to that age where you start realizing that to remain visible to the 23-year-old residents of Chick-town will require investment in a sports car, and you start flashing back to the salad days. If you are as deranged as I am, you start noticing that the two have more parallels which have only become visible through the prism of age.
Dunk that prism in a Sea World sized-tank of bourbon and impending mid-life doom, and I came to realize in between the bouts of pre-suicidal sobbing that the bass players and drummers that influenced me shared characteristics with the sports figures I idolized.
1) Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker: Cream
Don’t be fooled by Jack Bruce’s skull pelt and the skeletal remains of Ginger Baker, together they formed the backbone of the greatest jam band of all time. Forget that its 1966, forget the heroin stupor, and remember that every garage band MUST pay homage to these guys.
Sports Figure Comparison: The Bambino
Sure, lots of guys had a breakfast of a quart of bourbon, five ball-park hot dogs, and two hookers, then slugged three homers, but Babe Ruth was the first. Just like all the bands that bands snorted God-knows-what up through a cymbal stand, then just flat-out rocked it for two hours, Cream not only did it before you, but did it better.
2) Roger Glover and Ian Paice: Deep Purple
Keeping the rhythm behind The Purp’s keyboard-and-axe assault was no easy task, but Glover’s ability to seamless bridge that assault and Paice’s monstrously-underrated drum chops more than got it done, it laid the groundwork for the rock riff so classic it made some serious cultural leaps.
Sports Figure Comparison: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Despite the fact that Glover and Paice define what a rock rhythm section should be, they played behind such a wall of “showtime” that their classic status often went unnoticed. Jabbar was also overshadowed by the “Showtime Lakers,” even though he was the classic old-school NBA center and is still that league’s all-time leading scorer. Besides, the soccer scene in this video is a reminiscent morsel of the cheesy hilarity of Jabbar’s fighting Bruce Lee.
3) Geddy Lee and Neil Peart: Rush
Let’s face it – Canada is simply an odd combination of Europe and North America. The recipe for a Mountie is equal parts British Redcoat, horse, and Smokey the Bear hat. But when it comes to music, they got the combination right. Rush found a way to take the musicianship of the Europeans and mix it with a dose of good ol’ North American power-trio. But, it still isn’t cool to like them because being Canadian automatically costs them 20 style points. Well, here’s my 20 points and you can freakin’ eat me…RUSH RULES!
Sports Figure Comparison: Youppi
The 1994 Montreal Expos were massively talented, on a roll toward the playoffs, and God screwed them by placing a baseball strike squarely in the path of Canada’s third straight World Series title. Why? Because they are Canadians. See, even though the Expos fielded some very good teams, they consistently drew about nine fans. This explains Youppi, the best mascot that never got his props.
4) John Entwhistle and Keith Moon: The Who
No two musicians in rock history had such diverse styles, yet blended so seamlessly. Entwhistle was a student of music, and his bass work was melodic and richly architected. Moon was a rock stars’s rock star, and his drum lines were savage. But the differences came together in a surprisingly rhythmic fashion.
Sports Figure Comparison: Bert Blyleven
The pure smooth that only Bert’s knee-buckling curveball brought, yet with zing brought by a guy whose off-day past-times are rumored to have included setting Tom Kelly’s shoelaces on fire. It’s the same odd combo that can sell you a house while dropping the F-bomb. If Keith Moon were a pitcher, you just know he’d do stuff like this on the road, and if Bert were a drummer, he’d be rocking the goldfish.
5) Geezer Butler and Bill Ward: Black Sabbath
When they first hit ears across the world in 1969, Black Sabbath had a sound like no other heard before; they were musical, yet raw. There was something beautiful, but at the same time frightening about them. Sabbath was the music for the “bad kids,” and even though you might not have been a badass, you couldn’t get enough.
America’s bicentennial year may have been the high-water mark for the Oakland Raiders and its bad boy mystique. John Madden played the hulking maniacal leader of this bunch of escapees from a southern chain gang. Ken Stabler fulfilled the role of gun-slinger quarterback, but it was the overlooked defense that set the tempo and supplied the power for this team, with such scary figures as Jack Tatum, Otis Sistrunk, and Ted Hendricks raining destruction on offenses across the NFL.
6) Tom Petersson and Bun E. Carlos: Cheap Trick
If you are my age, there was a solid five-year span where Cheap Trick may have been the perfect band to play the soundtrack of your life. If you aren’t my age, catch a re-run of “That 70’s Show” and you’ll get the idea. Cheap Trick is the quintessential American Rock N’ Roll band; good times just seem to break out wherever their music is played.
Sports Figure Comparison: Kyle Orton
It is well-established that we here at Dubsism believe Kyle Orton is the greatest athlete is in the history of ever, because he is living the life you would kill to live. If you couldn’t be Kyle Orton, you’d be Cheap Trick. They both kick ass where it matters; Orton wins football games and Cheap Trick flat-out rocks. They are both famous enough to live the “rock star” lifestyle, but not so famous their fame becomes an all-consuming black hole of douchebaggery (see Tom Brady).
Those of you who actually read these rants know here at Dubsism we tabbed Tim Tebow as a saint back when he was anointing lepers and circumcising Filipino orphans. You also know we have been dying to see where the combination of Saint Tebow and the Holy Orton would lead us. Apparently just as we expected, Tebow has taken his first steps toward sainthood by becoming a monk.
Sure, most media outlets dismissed the “Friar Tuck” look as just so much rookie hazing. But here at Dubsism, we know better (as we light candles and chant “Salve Regina“).
The power of Tebow compels you…