Tag Archives: Kansas Jayhawks

Trash-Talking The 2013 Sweet Sixteen

stewie says you suck

Now that  my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a profanity-filled tirade about shit I don’t like.  This promises to be a particularly nasty edition since for the first time in the history of my filling out brackets, I’ve lost both teams I had playing on Monday Night in the first weekend tournament. So, since I can’t like this tournament anymore, here comes the bile…

In alpha-suck-abetical order:

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Trash -Talking the 2012 Sweet Sixteen

Now that  my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, and now that my teams are out, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a profanity-filled triade about shit I don’t like. And since I can’t like this tournament anymore…

In alpha-suck-abetical order:

Baylor

When the hell did Baylor start to mean anything in college sports? Whatever happened to the good old days when Baylor was just the “free square” in the bingo card that was the Big 12 schedule? I blame women’s basketball; after they gave up immolating religious whackos, that was the first sport anybody in Waco anybody paid any attention to until a few years ago, and it’s only gotten worse now that Joakim Noah plays for their womens’ team.

Cincinnati

If I were a doctor and were going to give the state of Ohio an enema, Cincinnati is where I would stick the nozzle.  What amazes me is that this miasma of suck has two universities, and both of them got into the Sweet Sixteen (more on that later).  Shit-cinnati is a subtle blend of all that is wrong with city-living and all the suck that bucolic splendor brings. Want to know what walking down a street in downtown Cincinnati is like? Dress all the zombies from “The Walking Dead” in Ohio State shirts, Bengals hats, all in various states of filth and mis-sized. If you get past this parade of freaks who will attempt to panhandle you to death, you get the upscale Cincinnatians who are all rude and pretentious just because they have reservations at the “Steak and Shake” that has tablecloths.

Florida

I think the above photo says it all.  That’s the university president.

Indiana

I know this may be hard for anybody under 50 to realize, but there was a time within the last 30 years where a college basketball team in Indiana could actually win something. Obviously, that was never Purdue or Notre Dame , and it got so bad in the land of basketball people were actually rooting for Butler…fucking Butler. Calling Butler “real college basketball” is like calling a hot dog “real meat.” Now that Indiana is back in the Sweet Sixteen for the first time in a decade, every in-bred slackjaw south of Fort Wayne is resplendent in his IU 1981 NCAA Champs t-shirt that he wore while doing a lube job on his 1985 Ford pick-up truck, because nothing hides your sister-mom’s DNA like a few quarts of Quaker State.

Kansas

The fundamental problem is that Kansas fans believe that they should win every single year, and when the Jayhawks don’t, their fans cocoon themselves in this layer of false history.  Jayhawk fans think the entire sport is their birthright; that its history is proprietary to Kansas simply because their legendary coach Phog Allen was rumored to be Dr. James Naismith’s gay lover.  To understand this fraudulent nature, let’s break down that history they love so damn much. First of all, while Naismith was the inventor of basketball, he didn’t invent it in Kansas. Do you know what did get invented in Kansas? Shooting people over slavery. But that’s not as “feel-good” as believing your basketball team is historically elite.

Kentucky

It says all you need to know about Kentucky to notice this is a program which replaced Tubby Smith with Billy Gillespie, then replaced him with career criminal John “Don’t Drop the Soap” Calipari. Think about that; this is a program so myopic they dumped the last guy to win anything for them and ultimately ended up with a guy who has managed to make Final Four appearances disappear at  two different schools because of NCAA violations. Despite the fact that other than last year, they hadn’t earned a trip to the Final Four in thirteen years, UK fans still believe they are relevant, and will continue to think that even after this season inevitably gets wiped off the books.  It must be a great time for bail bondsmen in Lexington.

Louisville

Dear Residents of Louisville,

Let me explain to you why nobody has any respect for your city.  First of all, to be a world-class city, you have to settle on a standard pronunciation. You would never see a sign the like the one above in a real city. Secondly, you keep describing your city as the “capital of Kentuckiana.” If it weren’t bad enough there is no such place, you’ve created one out of the two worst parts of two of the worst states in America. Combining Indiana with Kentucky is like joining infected, oozing hemmorhoids with a bowel obstruction.

Now, let’s talk about this basketball team for minute, shall we? Somebody in Louisville needs to tell Rick Pitino that coaching basketball in Kentucky in a building called the KFC Yum! Center while wearing white suits is just begging for “Colonel Sanders” jokes…and having a bird mascot doesn’t help.  I’ll get you started – “Cardinal basketball – a special blend of eleven secret fouls and turnovers.”

Marquette

Since Marquette is a catholic school in Wisconsin, insert your own “alcoholic pedophile” joke here.  That also means they really aren’t worth thinking about,  so here’s exactly what I said about them last year. I think you will find it is all pretty much still true.

This place ought to be renamed The University of Gutless.  Marquette’s basketball team used to be known as the Warriors, until every member of their board of trustees grew multiple vaginas and decided AGAINST the will of the student body and the alumni that the nickname was “insensitive to Native Americans.” Of course, this completely ignores the fact that a “warrior” is defined as a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate combatant class. There’s a whole range of cultures to which that applies, ranging from the Bushido Samurai to the Spartans. Yet, the pointy-heads at Marquette decided it could only apply to those who when they cash their government checks get blind-drunk on the “firewater,” then build casinos.

This begs another important question. Since when does the Catholic Church give a flying fuck about political correctness? Don’t forget that Marquette is a Jesuit school, and the Jesuits aren’t just garden-variety papists; they are the Waffen-SS of Catholicism. They can show up in any diocese and do whatever the hell they want, and the local bishop can’t say shit to them. In other words, these aren’t exactly the guys who cower at a bunch of soccer moms who think “we might be being mean to the Indians.”

If that weren’t enough, the Catholic Church as a whole isn’t exactly the “canary in the coal mine” when it comes to being sensitive to public opinion.  In fact, their only recent change on the position of contraception is it is acceptable to use a condom only when the altar boy has diarrhea.

Michigan State

Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the Big Twelevten in this tournament; Wisconsin, Ohio State, Indiana, and Sparty.   They all really do the same thing. They get into the tournament, and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Kentucky.  But Michigan State deserves a special layer of scorn and derision as they aren’t even an original member of the Big Tweleveten. They didn’t join until 1949 when it was still known as Michigan State Sit When You Pee College and Tire Care Center.

North Carolina

Once again, I will quote the good people at Deadspin since I can’t improve on the accuracy of their assesment.

No school has benefited more from having an archrival who happens to be even more haughty and douchetastic. I’m onto you, Tarheels. You think just because you hate Duke that you can sneak by without anyone hating your fucking guts. But you are WRONG. But the truth is that, if Duke didn’t exist, YOU would be Duke. You’d be the most hated program in the country, what with your gross sense of entitlement and Dickie V lapping up Roy Williams’ seminal fluid like it’s cereal milk. You people owe Duke a steak dinner for covering up so much of what makes you despicable.

FACT: Every three seconds, a person in the North Carolina wilderness is being raped. I drove through the state once, and you see the forests on the side of the road and you just know, twenty feet in, someone has a penis inside them that they don’t want inside them. North Carolina is also the only state where it’s legal to rape someone and fish at the same time.

North Carolina State

Thanks to the fact that Georgetown’s John Thompson III is one of the shittiest tournament coaches in the history of shitty tournament coaches, I’m going to have to re-live this moment about a bazillion times between now and the time NC State wakes up and remembers they are NC State. 1983 was almost 30 years ago, Jim Valvano is dead, so is Lorenzo Charles, and NC State is still the school people only go to when they can’t get into to Appalachian State.

Ohio

According to the good folks at Listverse, Ohio University is the most haunted university in the country.

This should not be a surprise. It is well known and documented that Ohio University is perhaps one of the most haunted places in the world. From ghost teachers that talk to students, sounds and voices heard in sealed rooms, to an entire ghost basketball team, this campus is truly full of haunts. Nearly every single building on campus has at least one ghost associated with it. In a place literally full of ghosts, one manages to stand out among the rest. Wilson Hall is said to be one of the most haunted buildings in the United States, and was featured in the TV series “Scariest Places on Earth”. A female student practicing satanic rituals supposedly died violently in room 428. While this story has no real backing, what is true is that school officials have closed and sealed the room because no student could live in it peacefully. Voices are heard throughout the halls, doors lock and unlock, open and close on their own, and ghostly figures wander the building. The building is also dead center of a pentagram formed by five cemeteries which surround the campus. Rumor has it that this building itself was built on top of an old mental hospital cemetery, however this was proven to be untrue.

So in other words, this university has a student body that gets wigged out by the same kind of faux spooks that even Shaggy and Scooby-Doo could figure out in under 30 minutes. Perhaps this means we will see Daphne and Velma on the court for the Bobcats come this weekend.

Ohio State

Even though he was  a football guy, nobody was a more loyal Buckeye than Kirk Herbstreit, and even he was giving double-birds out the window on his way out the the shit-hole formerly known as Columbus.  In other words, even he had to split town because he only fellated the statue of Woody Hayes once a day rather than the expected thrice. This is exactly the problem with Buckeye fans; they have so little else that unless you swear your undying devotion and back it up on an hourly basis, they declare you a heretic and kill your house pets. In all honesty, the best description I’ve ever read about Ohio came from the good people at Deadspin:

“We make fun of Ohio here at Deadspin an awful lot, and with good reason. If you placed an electrified cupcake in the center of the state, half the population would be dead by morning. And the other half would be asking for extra sprinkles.”

What else can you say? These are the people who expect perfection while investing only idiocy; the kind of people who try to “return” foster children after they’ve raped them. Buckeye fans belong in that same circle of hell reserved for pederasts, people who run scams on the elderly, and deadbeat fathers.

Syracuse

Syracuse fans are always bitching because they feel they never get any respect. Half the time, they don’t deserve it, like when they kept trying to tell me Gerry McNamara was the best scorer in college basketball. The other half of the time they spend missing the point; like during all that McNamara twaddle they forgot they had Carmelo Anthony.

Then there’s this year.  First, longtime assistant and Jim Boeheim’s right-hand man Bernie Fine was accused of sexually molesting two young boys.  To top that off, it seems Fine’s wife may or may not have slept with players while they were members of the team.  Then it was revealed that the school violated its own drug policy and that the school may or may not have reported it to the NCAA years ago.  And if that weren’t enough, Fab Melo was ruled out of the tournament because may or may not have been academically eligible this semester.

Despite all that Syracuse, makes the big dance as a #1 seed, and advances to the sweet sixteen. The fun part: Earlier this season,  when Syracuse was #1 in the AP poll they received 61 out of 65 first-place votes, and Syracuse fans, after all the shit that team had been through, did nothing but bitch about the four writers who didn’t vote Syracuse first.

Fuck Syracuse.

Wisconsin

As long as the state of Wisconsin exists, R.J. Reynolds will never go broke since they own Kraft Foods, Miller Beer and Marlboro cigarettes, which happen to be the three dietary staples in America’s Dairyland. Sconnies drink and smoke on an Olympic level because Wisconsin basketball is to watch four sausage-fed forwards and one guard who doesn’t play like Herman Munster.  It’s hard to watch, hence the Wiscy-level of drinking, which easily can put even the most moonshine-riddled southern peckerwood to shame.  If you see a Badger fan on the street, crash him over the head with the nearly-empty whiskey bottle he’s carrying and bring him to the local hospital for a liver transplant. He will need it, trust me.

Xavier

Here’s a fun, yet useless fact I’ve been hearing all day: there are as many schools from the city of Cincinnnati (2) left in the tournament as there are from either the SEC (2), Big 12 (2), or ACC (2).  Here a more accurate statement. There are as many teams from those conferences that anybody gives a shit about as there are from the entire state of Ohio. Whats’ funny is that at the beginning of the season, Xavier and Cincinnati got into a brawl in a game for intra-city bragging rights. This is like two bums fighting over the least piss-stained raincoat at the Salvation Army.

-Dubsism is a proud member of Sports Blog Movement

Fourteen Curious All-Time Basketball Teams For Your Consideration

Everybody loves to put together lists of useless stuff, and certainly we here at Dubsism are no exception. This collection sprung from some holiday conversation revolving around which schools could really put together the best all-time team.  See, the catalyst for all of this is there are Kansas fans in this group, and we all know the Dubsism position on Jayhawk basketball.

For comparative purposes, this led to a listing of possible “All-Time” teams from the schools which have won 3 or more NCAA championships. This gave us an odd number, so we added the team with the most wins which was not on that list (Syracuse). Then to make it really interesting, we added teams comprised of some miscellaneous categories.

Peruse the list and let us know what you think.  Just remember, this is a true “All-Time” list, not the kind that ESPN does which only means the last 25 years or so.  Many of you born after 1985 may very well have never heard of some of these players. If you find yourself in that position, do yourself a favor and do some research. After all, somebody has to teach the children about George Mikan.

George Mikan - The Blake Griffin of the 1950's

1) UCLA

Starters

  • C – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
  • F – Kiki Vandeweghe
  • F – Jamaal Wilkes
  • G – Reggie Miller
  • G –  Gail Goodrich

Bench

  • Bill Walton
  • Baron Davis
  • Marques Johnson

Coach

  • John Wooden

2) Kentucky

Starters

  • C – Sam Bowie
  • C/F – Dan Issel
  • F – Antoine Walker
  • F/G – Cliff Hagan
  • G – Rex Chapman

Bench

  • Jamal Mashburn
  • Rajon Rondo
  • Tayshaun Prince

Coach

  • Adolph Rupp

3) Indiana

Starters

  • C – Walt Bellamy
  • F – George McGinnis
  • F – Calbert Cheaney
  • G – Isaiah Thomas
  • G – Dick Van Arsdale

Bench

  • Tom Van Arsdale
  • Mike Woodson
  • Kent Benson

Coach

  • Bobby Knight

4) North Carolina

Starters

  • C/F – Bob McAdoo
  • F- James Worthy
  • F/G – Vince Carter
  • G – Michael Jordan
  • G – Walter Davis

Bench

  • Jerry Stackhouse
  • Billy Cunningham
  • Rasheed Wallace

Coach

  • Dean Smith

5) Duke

Starters

  • C – Mike Gminski
  • F – Christian Laettner
  • F – Elton Brand
  • G – Grant Hill
  • G – Jeff Mullins

Bench

  • Corey Maggette
  • Jack Marin
  • Carlos Boozer

Coach

  • Mike Kryzewzki
6) Connecticut

Starters

  • C/F – Emeka Okafor
  • F – Clifford Robinson
  • F – Caron Butler
  • F/G – Richard Hamilton
  • G – Ray Allen

Bench

  • Donyell Marshall
  • Caron Butler
  • Rudy Gay

Coach

  • Jim Calhoun

7) Kansas

Starters

  • C- Wilt Chamberlain
  • F- Clyde Lovelette
  • F- Danny Manning
  • F/G – Paul Pierce
  • G – Jo Jo White

Bench

  • Dave Robisch
  • Kirk Hinrich
  • Bill Bridges

Coach

  • Phog Allen

8 ) Syracuse

Starters

  • C- Rony Seikaly
  • F- Carmelo Anthony
  • F – Derrick Coleman
  • G – Dave Bing
  • G – Sherman Douglas

Bench

  • Danny Schayes
  • Billy Owens
  • Hakim Warrick

Coach

  • Jim Boeheim

9) The “All Never Went To College” Team

Starters

  • C – Moses Malone
  • F – Kevin Garnett
  • F – LeBron James
  • G – Kobe Bryant
  • G – Monta Ellis

Bench

  • Darryl Dawkins
  • Tyson Chandler
  • A’mare Stoudamire

Coach

  • Lawrence Frank (who never played high school, college, or pro basketball)

10) The “All Small School” Team

Starters

  • C – Bill Russell (San Francisco)
  • F – Karl Malone (Louisiana Tech)
  • F – Larry Bird (Indiana State)
  • G – John Stockton (Gonzaga)
  • G – Bob Cousy (Holy Cross)

Bench

  • David Robinson (Navy)
  • George Mikan (DePaul)
  • Walt Frazier (Southern Illinois)

Player/Coach

From North Dakota to New York...Pure Zen.

  • Phil Jackson (University of North Dakota)

11) The “All Europe” Team 

Starters

  • C – Arvydas Sabonis
  • C/F – Vlade Divac
  • F – Dirk Nowitzki
  • G – Peja Stojakavic
  • G – Drazen Petrovic

Bench

  • Andrei Kirilenko
  • Pau Gasol
  • Toni Kukoc

Coach

  • Borislav Stankovic

12) The All “Non-North America or Europe” Team

Starters

  • C – Yao Ming
  • C/F – Hakeem Alajuwon
  • F – Andrew Bogut
  • F – Serge Ibaka
  • G – Manu Ginobili

Bench

  • Dikembe Mutombo
  • Manute Bol
  • Anderson Varejao

Coach

  • Togo Renan Soares

 13) The “All Didn’t Make Any Other Lists” Team

Starters

  • C – Patrick Ewing
  • F- Julius Erving
  • F – Charles Barkley
  • G – Pete Maravich
  • G – Reggie Miller

Bench

  • George Gervin
  • Dominique Wilkins
  • Nate Thurmond

Coach

  • Lenny Wilkens

14) The “Overall #1 Draft Picks” Team

Starters

  • C  –  Shaquille O’Neal
  • C/F  – Tim Duncan
  • F  –  Chris Webber
  • G –  Oscar Robertson
  • G – Magic Johnson

Bench

  • Elgin Baylor
  • Bob Lanier
  • Allen Iverson

Coach

  • Doug Collins

We only included three bench players so that we would have plenty of room to add guys which you are sure to point out that we overlooked. Hell, if you feel so inclined, add a team all your own.

What We Learned From This Weekend in Football 10/9/2011

1) Minnesota might be the worst BCS Conference team I’ve seen since…well, Minnesota

The last time Gopher Football was relevant, Bobby Cox was their quarterback. Not the former Atlanta Braves' manager; but the age almost works.

The good news is the Golden Gophers found the end zone this week, and they didn’t need a Sherpa guide to do it.  The bad news is both of their trips to paydirt came after they were already down by six touchdowns, and once again they didn’t even look competitive in a game against Big Ten competition.  In two Big Ten games so far this season, the Gophers have been outscored by a total margin of 103-17.

2) I take that back, I forgot about Kansas

After six minutes, the Jayhawks led, 7-0.  At the half, Oklahoma State was in charge 56-7. By the time it was over, Kansas gave up up 10 touchdowns and 600 yards in total offense.

3) Why The NFL Drives Me Crazy – Part 6,452

Seriously, this league gets more exasperating every year.  First of all, There’s no clear cut great and complete teams anymore. I’ve spoke to this at length before, but honestly it’s getting worse.

Now, people keep trying to tell me that some teams are so great far too early in the season simply based on their won-loss record. I understand Detroit Lion fans are excited that their team is 5-0 for the first time since the Bobby Layne era, but let’s be honest…what happens in October doesn’t matter at all compared to what happens in January. Seriously, does anybody out there think the Lions are as good as the Packers? Does anybody think the Lions are better than the Patriots?

To illustrate my point, I’m going to use a phrase that makes my colon twist up like an over-used phone cord: “If the play-offs were to start today…” So, here’s what the post-season would look like (based on current play-off tie-breaking criteria)

AFC:

  1. San Diego (bye)
  2. Buffalo (bye)
  3. Baltimore
  4. Houston
  5. New England (wild-card #1)
  6. Oakland (wild-card #2)

NFC: 

  1. Green Bay (bye)
  2. San Francisco (bye)
  3. New Orleans
  4. Washington
  5. Detroit (wild-card #1)
  6. Tampa Bay (wild-card #2)

It is so plainly obvious this is NOT what the playoffs will look like come January. Yet, people get all whipped up saying ridiculous things based on what is happening a scant five games into the season. Again, I ask, does anybody really think Buffalo is the second-best team in the AFC? In fact, how many of the teams that I listed here won’t get a sniff of the playoffs?

4) What the Oklahoma Sooners have in common with the Detroit Lions

While thunderous and impressive, this still does not constitute a running game.

Primarily, this is a cautionary tale for both teams…both sides have a lot of positives, but those upsides are also obscuring some flaws that may haunt both of these teams later on down the road.

Schedule:

While both are 5-0 and have their fans at full-throat, neither team has played a “good” team yet. The Sooners have fatted up on the likes of a faded Texas rose and a fraudelent Florida State squad while the Lions won’t face a “good” team until the host the Packers on Thanksgiving Day.

The Hidden Weaknesses:

Both teams have at least one, and nobody seems to want to pay attention to them.

Oklahoma has a serious special teams issue.  This came into play twice last Saturday against Texas, who gashed the Sooners’ kick coverage for two touchdown returns.  If not for a penalty on the second return, Oklahoma would have surrendered more points to the Texas kick return team than the Longhorn offense could manage.

Both the Sooners and the Detroit Lions have fraudulent running games.  Oklahoma did not generate much of a rushing game against the Texas defensive front, and the Lions had the same issue against the Bears. The problem is this is largely hidden by a few big runs by the Sooners’ Dominique Whaley and the Lions’ Jahvid Best. If you subtract any runs of 25 or more yards from the Sooners’ or Lions’ rushing totals, the lack of a real running game becomes apparent.

Any offensive coach worth his weight in Spam will tell you that while the “home runs” make for sweet fantasy football numbers (spoken as Jahvid Best owner), they do not make an effective running game. Teams that truly can run the ball can routinely get first downs on the ground.

5) The Philadelphia Eagles are finished

Not just this season, either. This team has a ton of talent, but it has a serious lack of leadership. At some point, Andy Reid lost control in Philadelphia, and unless he regains it soon, it may be time for the longest-tenured coach in the NFL to get a new mailing address…end of story.

6) The time to hit the “Panic Button” in Columbus is now

If you are an Ohio State fan, it’s time to get worried…very worried.  You just watched your team blow a three-touchdown lead to a team that got smoked like a cheap cigar the previous week by Wisconsin. Not only does that mean you are arguably a third-rung team in the Big Tweleveten, but the Tattoo-gate story still just won’t go away.

When this first broke, I thought this wasn’t going to be a big story. Now, Jim “Cheatypants McSweatervest” Tressel is gone, as is Terelle Pryor. Devier Posey’s suspension has been lengthened, and the digging isn’t over yet.

7) Today marks the beginning of the end of the Tebow era

This isn’t about hating on Tebow, this is about why Tebow is now the starting quarterback in Denver.  The perception is that John Fox and the Broncos’ organization caved to fan pressure. Nothing could be further from the truth.

This is actually a calculated move on the part of Fox and the Bronco front office which inherited Tebow from the previous regime. Think about it this way…

Fact #1: Tim Tebow isn’t an NFL quarterback…not yet, at least.

Fact #2: The Bronco fan base is desperate.

Fact #3: John Fox and John Elway aren’t “Tebow” guys, otherwise this move would have been made a while ago.

Fact #4: The Broncos spent a first-round pick on Tebow.

Fact #5: Tebow has a well-spring of unreasonable supporters who have been clamoring for his day under center.

So, what we have is a  back-up quarterback so popular he once led the league in jersey sales before he ever having took a single snap; popular with everyone except his coach and general manager. We have an unpopular starting quarterback, but he a proven winner in the NFL. Its’ apparent that the fans won’t shut-up about their wanting Tebow, and Kyle Orton is a free-agent after this season anyway.

So, Fox and Elway took the opportunity Orton presented them this week. When he had the off day everybody has at some point, the Bronco leadership decided to launch “Operation Timmy Fail.” That’s right, the plan is to throw Tebow to the NFL wolves and wait for the impending disaster.

The only way to get the Tebow era over is to get it started. He isn’t going to get any more prepared in the remainder of this season before Orton blows town, so why not get the ball rolling now? Frankly, the Broncos have nothing to lose.

First of all, the Broncos are already terrible, so Tebow can’t do any harm to a team which isn’t going to see a playoff run anytime soon. If Timmy is in fact terrible, it gives Fox and Elway want they really want; to be free and clear of the Tebow phenomenon. If he succeeds, they get to be heroes for pulling the plug on Orton.

The trouble is it is pretty clear they are gambling on the former.  Tebow is one of the most unprepared quarterbacks for this moment I’ve ever seen and the Broncos have made sure that is the case. The Broncos in turn are doing him a great disservice because they want him gone; they can’t cut him otherwise the Teb-o-philes will come after them with torches and pitchforks.

Frankly, I hope Tebow shoves this little scheme up Fox and Elway’s collective asses. He’s off to a nice start by managing to bring the Broncos back to a “puncher’s chance” to win against the Chargers.  He has guts and the team clearly responded to him. I want him to succeed, but I think it is a long shot simply because he doesn’t have the tools to play the position…someday he may, but he doesn’t now.

8 ) #OccupyGameDay

This hashtag is the Twitter home of the movement launched by fans of the Dan Patrick Show against “The Mothership.” It’s all about sneaking references to the Dan Patrick Show into the background of ESPN’s College GameDay.

From DanPatrick.com:

KEZI in Oregon ran a story on “Occupy GameDay” this week. Here is the text:

EUGENE, Ore. — Security at ESPN’s College GameDay in Eugene on Saturday will be on the lookout for more than the usual safety threats and foul language on signs. Now, they have references to radio host Dan Patrick’s broadcast to watch out for.

Last Saturday when GameDay was in Dallas, Texas for the Red River Rivalry between Oklahoma and Texas one sign in particular snuck through the crowd without oversight. The sign read: “Chris in Syracuse.”

For those unfamiliar with Mr. Patrick and the meaning of the term, the sign seems relatively harmless. For regular listeners of the show — and ESPN — the sign goes against what Patrick claims has been previously allowed in the crowd. On his show Patrick said that fans at the Oklahoma vs. Texas games were being turned away if they had signs or cutouts with obvious references to him or his show.

Patrick was an anchor at ESPN from 1989 to 2006 and his show was part of the ESPN family until 2007. He helped coin the nickname for ESPN’s flagship program SportsCenter with fellow anchor Keith Olbermann, calling it “The Big Show”. Patrick has stated several times that ESPN often does not allow current employees to appear as guests on his current radio show.

So what does “Chris in Syracuse” mean? The sign references a listener of Patrick’s show who calls in to offer his opinion on a daily basis. The caller — Chris, from Syracuse, New York — is part of the Dan Patrick Show canon of running gags and bits.

Patrick has made reference this week to the sign being held up on last Saturday’s show and seems to be encouraging his listeners to take part in trying to sneak past the College GameDay defenses repeating a simple message on today’s show, “Occupy GameDay. Eugene, Oregon.”

What signs and running gags can Eugene residents expect to see that may be related to Patrick’s followers? Here’s a list from the show’s WikiPedia page:

-Height and weight of a given person or player, a bit on the show.

-References to “Passion Bucket”, a running gag involving a quote from UCLA Bruins head football coach Rick Neuheisel.

-The quote “Against the Grain” a popular segment on the show.

-The phrase “What did we learn today?” another segment from the show.

-The “Best and Worst of the weekend” a segment from the show.

-References to “a well-listened-to radio show” a running gag based on a reporter reference to the Dan Patrick Show.

-References to “The Danettes” by group or by name (Patrick’s producers and employees): Paulie Pabst, Seton O’Connor, Andrew Perloff and Todd Fritz (Fritzy).

-References to nicknames on the show including: McLovin (Perloff), Sequin/The White Swan/Soft O’Connor (Seton O’Connor) Danny Jawface (Patrick).

-”ROAR!” the result of a lost bet on the part of O’Connor wherein he must shout “ROAR!” before speaking on microphone during the show.

As Dan himself says, we don’t condone this activity, but we do celebrate it. Considering this whole “What We Learned” bit is completely ripped off from a respectful tribute to the Dan Patrick Show, what else could I say?

P.S. Jarrett Lee does eat boogers.

Trash-Talking the Sweet Sixteen

Now that  my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, and now that my teams are out, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a profanity-filled triade about shit I don’t like. And since I can’t like this tournament anymore…

VCU:

Know what a “VCU” is? Fifteen years ago, it was that machine my post-stroke grandmother thought played movies, but instead constantly blinked “12:00,” as if it were mocking her inability to drool out “VCR.”Worse yet, if you make the mistake of asking anybody at VCU what that acronym actually means, you will get a 25-minute lecture on how the “C” stands for “Commonwealth,” because Virginia is technically a “commonwealth” and not a “state.” Of course, the people who say that are simply trying to pretend they don’t go a state school that by law has to admit every resident mouth-breather who can drop a Skoal-loogie on the correct spot on the application.

Wrong one...you're thinking of Virginia TECH.

Richmond:

Here’s a fun, yet useless fact I’ve been hearing all week: there are as many schools from Richmond, VA in the tournament as there are from the whole Big East (2). Here’s a more accurate statement. There are as many teams from Richmond that anybody gives a shit about as there are from the whole Big East (0).

Ooooh, spiders...I'm soooo scared.

Besides, how can anybody have any respect for a team whose mascot John Goodman knew how to eliminate 20 years ago?

Butler:

Thanks to the movie “Hoosiers,” Larry Fucking Bird, and now you assholes, everybody thinks any little piss-ant school from Indiana means something when it comes to basketball. Let’s do a rundown of the D-I basketball schools from Hoosierland and you tell me which ones matter.

  • Butler – A private, liberal arts college which is best-known for its dance program. This means there are two types of Butler students: meth heads whose daddies have too much money for Indiana State, and Daddy’s Little Fruitcup who will spend four years auditioning for “So You Think You Can Dance?”
  • Indiana – The school that brought you both the burly,  masculine assholery of Bobby Knight and the sheer once-a-month-crampy bitchiness of Myles Brand.  Once a proud program, but hasn’t been relevant in nearly a decade.
  • Purdue – Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, was a Purdue alum. This shows how far people will go to get the fuck out of West Lafayette.
  • Notre Dame – A great school with a great tradition, especially if you want to be gang-raped by drunken football players or sent careening to your death off a 70-foot scissor lift. If you happen to get gang-raped while falling off a scissor-lift, you will be honored by having your name etched on one of the mosaic tiles that forms “Touchdown Jesus'” ball-sack.
  • Indiana State – Located in beautiful Terre Haute, ISU competes for local talent along with two prisons and a mental institution. This is precisely why if you want to major in schizophrenia, meth production, or pumping out bastard children, ISU is for you.
  • Ball State – Too easy…Insert your own joke here. Better make sure those jokes are funny, because this walk-in VD clinic school has produced such comedy titans as Jim Davis, Joyce DeWitt, and David Letterman (who was funny once, but not since the Civil War).
  • Evansville – Another small liberal arts college; this one is known for its physical therapy and theatre departments. So, when the therapist who is helpinbg you after your stroke insists on putting his thumb in your ass, chances are he went to Evansville.
  • Valparaiso – Not even people who live in Valparaiso can tell you where the hell the campus is, and they sure as hell can’t tell you why it even exists.

Connecticut:

Can somebody explain to me why people in this town think women’s basketball is such a great thing? Between these assholes and those shit-eating, inbred, hillbillies in Knoxville who think Pat Summitt is actually a woman, they have convinced a disturbingly large enough segment of the sports-watching population that womens’ basketball ISN’T a bunch of six-and-a-half foot tall lesbians who can’t play basketball while looking like a boys’ high-school team somebody cut the nuts off of five years ago.

Wisconsin:

Do you know why Wisconsin is home to so many  great serial killers? Because somehow Wisconsinites have taken two great things like sports and booze and managed to completely fuck them up. As far as the University of Wisconsin is concerned, the sport they really are the best at is hockey, which is why they play every other sport like the are on the ice. Badger football is like an old-school NHL game; they get a big offensive line and just beat you into the boards for sixty minutes, Bucky hoop is like watching that adapted version of floor hockey they let the retarded kids play; lots of passes so bad they look like shots, and shots so bad they look like passes. Even the girls teams only change their pads every three periods.

Worse yet is their coach, Bo Ryan. Now that Bruce Pearl is toast at Tennessee, Ryan is the only guy left who makes it a point to color coordinate his blazers in some awful school color. This is a fact only made worse by his extreme resemblance to a modern-art nightmare.

BYU:

You know what the worst part of this college basketball season was? It wasn’t the fact that somehow you turned some nearly-albino virgin kid into the biggest white-guy basketball sensation outside of Duke. It was the fact that I had to defend your silly-ass honor code. I don’t have a beef with your having an honor code. I don’t even have a beef with you kicking that kid off the team over violating it. He knew the drill when he signed up, nobody put a gun to his head when he made the commitment to follow it, and nobody forced him to stick his dick in his girlfriend and screw his teammates by breaking the commitment he voluntarily made.

But what pisses me off to no end is the fact that you as a university made it a point to run out in front of the press and shout this story from the mountain top.  You didn’t have to tell the whole world the story; there’s some real honor in keeping “family business” inside the family. Instead, you decided you needed to show the whole world how honorable you are through humiliating this kid needlessly by putting his business in the street, and for that I offer you my heartiest of FUCK YOUs.

Marquette:

This place ought to be renamed The University of Gutless.  Marquette’s basketball team used to be known as the Warriors, until every member of their board of trustees grew multiple vaginas and decided AGAINST the will of the student body and the alumni that the nickname was “insensitive to Native Americans.” Of course, this completely ignores the fact that a “warrior” is defined as a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate combatant class. There’s a whole range of cultures to which that applies, ranging from the Bushido Samurai to the Spartans. Yet, the pointy-heads at Marquette decided it could only apply to those who when they cash their government checks get blind-drunk on the “firewater,” then build casinos.

This begs another important question. Since when does the Catholic Church give a flying fuck about political correctness? Don’t forget that Marquette is a Jesuit school, and the Jesuits aren’t just garden-variety papists; they are the Waffen-SS of Catholicism. They can show up in any diocese and do whatever the fuck they want, and the local bishop can’t say shit to them. In other words, these aren’t exactly the guys who cower at a bunch of soccer moms who think “we might be being mean to the Indians.”

If that weren’t enough, the Catholic Church as a whole isn’t exactly the “canary in the coal mine” when it comes to being sensitive to public opinion.  In fact, their only recent change on the position of contraception is it is acceptable to use a condom only when the altar boy has diarrhea.

Florida State:

Dear ACC,

You should be fucking embarrassed that a low-rent school like this represents your sorry-ass conference. With all the blather you spew about what  “hallowed” basketball institutions other members like Duke and North Carolina are, you have the unmitigated gall to subject us to the likes of the Seminoles. What can you say about Florida State that can’t be summed up in the phrase “FSU: The strip mall of universities.”

Florida:

If it weren’t for Florida State, Florida would be the Sunshine State’s’ supposedly “academic” collection Kool-Aid and cheap vodka drinkers, jean-short wearers, and hillbilly rapists.  If you’ve ever been to UF, then you know exactly what the statement “It took Tallahassee to make Gainesville look good” means.

Kansas:

I used to have nothing good to say about Kansas until I read that one of their state legislators actually proposed controlling the illegal immigrant population in the same manner they use for feral hogs; picking them off with rifles from helicopters. Once you get past the monstrous racism in that comment, you are struck with the realization that even its crushing stupidity, this represents a “man landing on the moon” advance in Kansan-type thinking. The only thing that is funnier is the people who think this guy gives Kansans a bad name; like they didn’t already have one.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure Bill Self molests collies.

Ohio State:

Even though he was  a football guy, nobody was a more loyal Buckeye than Kirk Herbstreit, and even he was giving double-birds out the window on his way out the the shit-hole formerly known as Columbus.  In other words, even he had to split town because he only fellated the statue of Woody Hayes once a day rather than the expected thrice. This is exactly the problem with Buckeye fans; they have so little else that unless you swear your undying devotion and back it up on an hourly basis, they declare you a heretic and kill your house pets. In all honesty, the best description I’ve ever read about Ohio came from the good people at Deadspin:

“We make fun of Ohio here at Deadspin an awful lot, and with good reason. If you placed an electrified cupcake in the center of the state, half the population would be dead by morning. And the other half would be asking for extra sprinkles.”

What else can you say? These are the people who expect perfection while investing only idiocy; the kind of people who try to “return” foster children after they’ve raped them. Buckeye fans belong in that same circle of hell reserved for pederasts, people who run scams on the elderly, and deadbeat fathers.

Kentucky:

This was a "high-water mark" in the history of Kentucky cleverness.

Kentucky tears me. On the one hand, I believe Kentucky bourbon is the definition of “manna from heaven;” single drinking-handedly I’m probably 40% of the economy of the Bluegrass State. If you ever see me on one of those “Intervention” shows, dump your stock in Jim Beam.  Don’t wait to call your stock broker in the morning, break into his house that night and get your money the fuck out NOW. But on the other hand, when it comes to basketball, these people still revere that racist asshole Adolph Rupp. They ran Tubby Smith out of town for no real reason, and brought in a snail-trail-leaver like John Calipari. The person who roots for Kentucky basketball also likely roots for the New York Yankees, the bad guys from the “Karate Kid,” and Moammar Khadafy.

North Carolina:

Once again, I will quote the good people at Deadspin since I can’t improve on the accuracy of their assesment.

No school has benefited more from having an archrival who happens to be even more haughty and douchetastic. I’m onto you, Tarheels. You think just because you hate Duke that you can sneak by without anyone hating your fucking guts. But you are WRONG. But the truth is that, if Duke didn’t exist, YOU would be Duke. You’d be the most hated program in the country, what with your gross sense of entitlement and Dickie V lapping up Roy Williams’ seminal fluid like it’s cereal milk. You people owe Duke a steak dinner for covering up so much of what makes you despicable.

FACT: Every three seconds, a person in the North Carolina wilderness is being raped. I drove through the state once, and you see the forests on the side of the road and you just know, twenty feet in, someone has a penis inside them that they don’t want inside them. North Carolina is also the only state where it’s legal to rape someone and fish at the same time.

Duke:

At once, I agree with the above statement about North Carolina and yet need to infuse it with my own hatred of Duke.  Oh, Duke, how do I hate thee; let me count the ways. Here’s two good ones.

  • Mike Krzyzewski himself. I get that he is a disciple of Bobby Knight, but there is a major difference. It is one thing to be an asshole; it is an entirely other thing to spend thirty years hiding you are an asshole.
  • Duke pretends it is a great place to send your sheltered, privileged kids all while it is located in an exceptionally dangerous neighborhood.

San Diego State:

San Diego is a wonderful town, but there are two things about it you cant trust: mid-westerners who move to southern California thinking it is a panacea, and any of its sports teams. The common problem is the beach…there is no such thing as a town that has both a fierce sporting tradition and a desirable beach. The only exceptions are the Miami Dolphins of the early 70’s and the Los Angeles Lakers of forever, both of whom are/were supported largely by transplants from other locales who are old enough to where beaches just present a source of irritating sand in various artificial joints and/or ostomy ports.

As far as the midwesterners who make the “fantasy” move, I have far too many examples in my personal life from which to make examples, but all of them sound pretty much the same. The problem is that almost all of them will bitch if they think I’m talking about them, when in reality I don’t give a frog’s watertight ass about them, other than their stories are at the same time predictable and hilarious. These are almost like those “novels” you read as a kid that allowed you to pick your own ending, the trouble the story is fucked up to begin with. For example:

  • Boy meets girl in (insert midwestern state here)
  • Boy and girl decide for what ever reason to move to SoCal
  • The plan works for one and not the other
  • If the plan works for the boy, skip to page 32
  • If the plan works for the girl, skip to page 48

PAGE 32:

Boy somehow becomes successful and realizes he has an opportunity to trade up from midwestern girlfriend. He does so, and midwestern girlfriend goes back to (insert midwestern state here), gets some job that pays by the hour and eats her way into a subscription from the Lane Bryant catalog.

PAGE 48:

Girl falls into a pattern that starts with “look at how cool I am because I live in California” and ends with “I will out spend anybody to maintain my ‘look at how cool I am’ mindset.” Despite what she earns, she outspends it several-fold, until the boyfriend says ‘no mas’ and pulls the rip-cord. He heads back to (insert midwestern state here), while she now invests in a string of “relationships” all of which are designed to continue the life-style choices she has made.

PAGE END:

None of these douche-hammers give a shit about sports, which is why San Diego gets no fans for anything.

Teams That Grind My Gears: The Kansas Jayhawks

Remember the movie “The Day After?” In case you don’t, this 1983 classic cultural phenomenon was a brutally graphic, entirely disturbing account of the effects of a nuclear war on the people of Lawrence, Kansas. It was no accident the makes of this film picked Lawrence; anybody who has been that close to the meltdown known as Jayhawk basketball are well versed in the effects of thermonuclear implosion and toxic radioactive fallout.

This is why the level of denial in Jayhawk is at once admirable and pathetic; noble yet completely blind. After all, if you lived in such a wasteland, you would need a serious set of coping mechanisms as well, but to invest so much in such a fraudulent program as Kansas basketball is just sad beyond all description. This is because there are only two types of Jayhawk seasons. There’s the ones where they win (there have only been three of those), and there’s the ones when they don’t; the ones in which Kansas fans go through some seriously torturous mental gymnastics to atone for not winning.

The fundamental problem is that Kansas fans believe that they should win every single year, and when the Jayhawks don’t, their fans cocoon themselves in this layer of false history.  Jayhawk fans think the entire sport is their birthright; that its history is proprietary to Kansas simply because their legendary coach Phog Allen was rumored to be Dr. James Naismith’s gay lover.

To understand this fraudulent nature, let’s break down that history they love so damn much. First of all, while Naismith was the inventor of basketball, he didn’t invent it in Kansas. Do you know what did get invented in Kansas? Shooting people over slavery. But that’s not as “feel-good” as believing your basketball team is historically elite.

Then there’s the championships, all three of them. In the grand scheme of college basketball, that put’s you one notch above such traditional hoops powerhouses like Cincinnati, Louisville, San Francisco, and Oklahoma A&M (now Oklahoma State). As far as history is concerned, there are four historically elite programs: UCLA, Kentucky, Indiana, and North Carolina; with Duke on the verge of joining that group.  Kansas is just in the discussion for “best of the rest.”

Let’s say you don’t want to talk about history; let’s talk about this year’s Jayhawk squad.  Let’s talk about how over-rated KU basketball really is. This isn’t a #1 quality team; they are certainly a decent team, but they aren’t top-level good.

1) This year’s team only has two above-average players; the Morris Twins. Take those two guys off the table what’s left? A bunch of guys who play less than seven minutes per game, and of the guys who actually get on the floor more than that, there’s only one who has a FG% over 55%, and there’s only one who snags more than five rebounds a game.

2) Bill Self is the one of the worst “big-time” coaches I’ve ever seen. This past week represented the fifth time during his eight seasons at KU in which the Jayhawks have been ranked #1.  In fact, Kansas spent 15 weeks ranked at the top last season. How did that end again? Two words: Northern Iowa.

3) Never play K-State on the day KU gets named to the #1 spot. KU has done that twice, and is 0-2 in those games.

4) When it comes to the tournament, look at the AP top 25 poll last week in which Kansas was #1. Of the teams in the top 5, you’ve already lost to Texas, there’s no way KU could beat Ohio State or Pittsburgh away from Allen Fieldhouse, and while Duke doesn’t impress me, Coach K could coach circles around Bill Self.

5) Still don’t believe Kansas is over-rated? Look at recent history under Bill Self. Sure, there is an NCAA Championship in 2008, but that is off-set by what are three of the most embarrassing early-round losses in tournament history:

  • 2005 –  #3 KU gags against #14 Bucknell.
  • 2006 – #4 KU gags against #13 Bradley.
  • 2010 – #1 KU gags against #9 Northern Iowa.

The bottom line: regardless of whether you are talking yesterday or today, be careful when quoting history as a KU fan; there’s a lot of it that doesn’t work in your favor.

File Dump: The Mangino/Fulmer Edition

Originally, this was just going to be a good-bye to my favorite corpulent coach, Mark Mangino, formerly of Kansas. But  lo and behold, somehow in the process we also unearthed an archive of goodies on another fat coach, Phil Fulmer of the hated Tennessee Volunteers. In either event, we found ourselves with a ton of stuff now about as useful as a salad fork in either of these guys’ place setting. However, this stuff is just far too precious to die in a file folder somewhere.

Mark Mangino:

The hilarity of Baby Mangino must never be forgotten.

It really is too bad the guy got fired. Where else can you get such pure meltdowns as only he could deliver. Its a good thing he isn’t hanging out at one of those eating contests, because he clearly doesn’t care for hot dogs, so much so that he vomited up the entire Orange Bowl.

Although to be fair, perhaps Mangino could use a wee bit of purging.

After all, when he left Lawrence, I bet Southwest Airlines hoped Mangino didn’t have a Twitter account.

Phil Fulmer:

The sad part about when a coach gets fired is nobody seems to remember the days when he didn’t suck. Fulmer didn’t suck as recently as 2007, but we are still going to make a lot of “fat jokes.”

Sometimes, you get a sandwich named after you. But that pales in comparison to getting your own drive-thru.

And as long as one is working the restaurant side of the street, a buffet joke can’t be far.

There is a rule when making fat jokes: At some point, there MUST be a donut reference.

With a doofus like Fulmer, two donut jokes are required.

No, make that three.

Of course, a diet of donuts, drive-thru and buffets will necessitate some very large pants.

At least since leaving Tennesee, Fulmer has found a rewarding career entertaining children the world over…at least the ones with blind faith and blanket-attachment issues.

Understanding the Conference That Was The Big 12 Through a Comparison to Stuff in My Kitchen

Since it seems the college football world is about to undergo the tectonic shift of conference re-alignment we’ve all been waiting for, it may be time for us here at Dubsism to introduce you to a conference and its members with whom you may not be all that familiar.

When it comes to the Big Twelve, everybody has knowledge of the big dogs;  Texas, Oklahoma, and Nebraska have all seen there share of the national television spotlight.  While the fan bases of this conference are seemingly enduring a diaspora, those fans are going to see teams on their schedules in the near future of which they likely will know absolutely nothing.

Luckily, there is a way to prevent such a tragedy. All sports teams have a personality; we here at Dubsism intend to enlighten those of you possibly  dawning a new era by comparing a team which you may know little about to a better-known entity; in this case everyday items found in my kitchen.

Iowa State – Ketchup

And not just for those idiotic all-red uniforms. Sure, it’s bland, only good for one thing and taken for granted, but the hamburger that seemingly was the Big 12 wouldn’t be the same without it. After all, Baylor’s gotta beat somebody on the road.

Nebraska –Vodka

Honestly, I can’t stand vodka. I only keep it around because so many other people seem to like it. That’s probably the same reason the Big 12 kept hanging on to these corn-wearing knuckleheads. At least the Callahan years turned most Husker fans into this guy (not really safe for work, but hilarious nevertheless).

Colorado – Maxwell House coffee

Another thing that isn’t my favorite, but some people just ain’t gonna get the fresh-ground Kona roast. The usually mediocre Buffaloes were perfect for the Big 12 to serve up to a bowl game to which they make the obligatory “morning-after” promise to call, but never do.

Kansas – Pasta

To get you there on this one requires a sub-reference – pasta can be like women; good top-quality pasta is the “girl you take home to Mom.” Every once in a while, the Jayhawks make you fall in love, like with a Gayle Sayers, John Riggins, or more recently Mark Mangino’s offense. At times like this, Kansas is certainly that kind of woman who gets the candles and the soft music to seal the deal. The trouble is at other times, Jayhawk football can make the quality of the pasta irrelevant, as they made it overcooked and uselessly limp.

Kansas State –  Spaghettio’s

Known to be fond of a hard (throwing) Lynn Dickey.

We all know this is closer to the “whore” end of the pasta spectrum, resplendent in its cheap, yet tantalizing sauce, and waving those firm, round, oh-so-fake “meatballs” in your face.  K-State football so wants the respect pasta gets, but with this girl, a hummer in your Ford F-150 could only be six to eight MGDs away. Worse yet, you know you’re going to feel guilty for doing it, but you’ll do it anyway.

Missouri – Bumble Bee Tuna

Dependable for 7 no-matter-what wins, and always a good combination with lots of other stuff on this list, but at the end of the day, it ain’t Boardwalk or Park Place; it’s more like Marvin Gardens.

Oklahoma – Hot Sauce

Not just any hot sauce, but that special Asian liquid-plutonium instant-death sauce that is so enticing but always leaves you feeling gastrointestinally raped. And not just raped, rather like somebody gave you a 5-gallon napalm enema and dragged a flaming tumbleweed through the entire length of your digestive tract.

Put ‘em in a Hooters outfit, and you are soooooo ordering the “Tumbleweed Platter.” Don’t try to deny it, either.

You are always suckered in by the Sooners, and you spend the whole off-season being reminded of it by the scorch-marks in your Fruit-of-the-Looms.

Oklahoma State – Bourbon

Much like Cowboy football in September, that first glass of bourbon is filled with promise. But by November, you’re just another drunk whose week-long hangover has prompted yet another pledge to never drink again. But September always comes back…

Texas Tech – Ham

If there were ever a perfect reason to break up a conference, the fact that Texas Tech bum-rushed Mike Leach out of Lubbock would be it. How can you not love a pirate-loving quote machine such as Leach? If there were ever anybody who embodied my love of the strange comparison, Leach and his off-the-wall “Ham and Eggs” comment would also have to be it.

“It’s a little like breakfast – you eat ham and eggs. As coaches and players, we’re like the ham. You see – the chicken’s involved but the pig’s committed. We’re like the pig, they’re like the chicken. They’re involved, but everything we have rides on this.”

Coach Leach, we here at Dubsism salute you and your commitment, which hopefully happens soon.

Baylor – Mayonnaise

Perhaps they should refrigerate Floyd Casey Stadium.

Creamy, white Baptist kids who only need three hours in the sun to become fatally rancid.

Texas – Chicken of the Sea Tuna

Dependable for 9 no-matter-what wins, and always a good combination with lots of other stuff on this list. While the Longhorns are consistently better than Bumble Bee, at the end of the day…sorry, Charlie.

Texas A&M – Coffee Maker

Aggie football is usually non-descript, but it performs a crucial function; giving me a steady buzz of huge, bruising fullbacks.

See Also: Understanding the Conference That Was The Big Ten Through a Comparison to Classic Game Show Hosts

Understanding the Conference That Was The Pacific 10 Through a Comparison to “Scrubs” Characters

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Kansas Jayhawks

Obviously, because you can’t anymore. But really, it’s time for all of us to be done with Kansas basketball and its history of Bradley, Bucknell, and now Northern Iowa-type debacles. I really expected I could wait until the Final Four before I needed to write about why Kansas wouldn’t win, but once again the Jayhawks screwed me.

To quote John Lennon, I’m not the only one. The only reason Lennon didn’t get consistently shafted by Kansas is because some kook decided to shoot him. On second thought, it wouldn’t surprise me at all to find out Mark David Chapman was a KU alum.

Ok, so maybe Kansas doesn’t produce psycho security guards (at least not that we’ve heard about yet), but it certainly seems that KU alum are popping up in a profession known for screwing.  In other words,  being a porn star gets you on the VIP list for tickets in Lawrence these days.

Samantha Ryan: The one Jayhawk who won't choke on it.

If Kansas had any smarts, they would recruit the porn star alum as a gag-reflex management coach. Until the Jayhawks learn to swallow, any bracket with them going past the second round isn’t worth spit.

Don’t Worry, There’s Always Another Bracket You Can Collapse

It's a good thing the Gophers went out in the first round; Minnesota has already had its share of collapses.

If you are like the rest of America today, you woke up noticing those giant, smoldering piles of rubble everywhere. Once you realized those were merely the remains of everybody’s NCAA Basketball bracket, you pretty much went on with your day. If you bothered to do the crash-scene investigation, you might have noticed what killed everybody.

Kansas losing shouldn’t shock anybody. The fact that so many ignored the “Rock-Chalk-out in the 2nd round” recent history of the Jayhawks should (myself included…expletive deleted.) It was as if somehow the memory of Bucknell and Bradley suddenly faded from our collective sports psyches. But even as big as it is, Kansas is only one team. All year long, college basketball fans have been treated to a never-ending cacophony about the Big East being the best conference; that fact being reflected in the Big East getting 7 teams into the tournament. Only one (Syracuse) remains; as many as the unusually terrible Pac-10. Meanwhile, the allegedly weak Big Eleven Ten sees its three regular-season co-champs all advance to the Sweet Sixteen. Toss in the fact your bracket isn’t likely one of the three out there with Northern Iowa, Cornell, and St. Mary’s still alive and it should become clear that it is time to focus on a bracket that hasn’t crumbled yet.

To talk about the NCAA Hockey Tournament seeding means talking about this past weekend’s Western Collegiate Hockey Tournament (WCHA) Broadmoor Trophy action. North Dakota took the trophy once again, and the top four seeds in the WCHA were all selected into the sixteen-team field, with both Denver and Wisconsin getting top spots in the national tournament.

Top spots not withstanding, it is now official. The Dave Hakstol tradition at North Dakota is to have a terrible start, then play like the best team in the country in the second half of the season, then steamroll through the conference tournament, collect the hardware and get a #2 seed in the national tournament.

Undoubtedly the favorite album of Hakstol and the selection committee.

It also is apparently a key part of this tradition is the Sioux heading east for a potential match-up with Boston College.

East Region:Albany, New York Frozen FourDetroit, Michigan National Champion
#1 Denver #1 Denver #1 Denver #1 Denver   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#2 North Dakota

#4 Rochester Institute of Technology
#2 Cornell #2 Cornell
#3 New Hampshire
West Region:St. Paul, Minnesota  
#2 St. Cloud State #3 Northern Michigan #1 Wisconsin
#3 Northern Michigan
#1 Wisconsin #1 Wisconsin
#4 Vermont
Northeast Region:Worcester, Massachusetts  
#1 Boston College #1 Boston College   

 

#2 North Dakota

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#2 North Dakota

#4 Alaska-Fairbanks
#2 North Dakota #2 North Dakota
#3 Yale
Midwest Region:Fort Wayne, Indiana  
#1 Miami (OH) #1 Miami (OH) #1 Miami (OH)
#4 Alabama-Huntsville
#2 Bemidji State #2 Bemidji State
#3 Michigan

But, the three big questions are: Is this the year the Sioux can finally get past the BC Eagles? How long will it take this bracket to be so much wreckage? More importantly, will you have the guts to try a bracket of your own?

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