Throughout life, we deal with units of measure. To me, the most interesting are scales; where a level of intensity is assigned to an event or quality based on a quantifiable measure. The world of weather brings us the Saffir-Simpson scalefor hurricane intensity or the Fujita scale for tornadoes. Seismologists categorizes earthquakes according to the Richter scale.
However, as a sports fan I’ve noticed there is a discernable level of jerk-like behavior present in NFL quarterbacks. Moreover, once I noticed the stratification of this behavior, I discovered that it too needed a rating scale so we may better understand the levels of douchebag present in any quarterback. It is crucial to note this rating scale is completely independent of on-the-field performance.
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After spending three hours of last Sunday watching what had to be the worst NFC Championship I can remember, I have had very few sports conversations that didn’t touch on the whole Jay Cutler saga. Just today, I’ve had at least three people parroting the line being heard all over sports media; the line about “it isn’t fair to question a player’s toughness.”
To all the players, coaches, commentators and sports fans who have said that, I have two words: Fuck you.
First of all, as a fan, I am the one who through his purchase of tickets, cable TV packages, various paraphanalia, and through his general interest even make Jay Cutler and any other professional athletes’ existence possible. So don’t tell me I cannot voice an opinion. Feel free to dispute my position via a reasoned argument, but don’t you dare go all Stalin on me by saying I have no right to express my thoughts.
Secondly, flash the clock back to November. Remember how everything then was about celebrating toughness? That was when the media sh0ved Brett Favre and that utterly meaningless consecutive games played streak down my throat. If toughness is a quality to be admired in one, its presence can be questioned in another. To that end, if there was ever a guy for whom these sorts of questions are fair, it’s Jay Cutler.
Face it, Cutler has built a reputation for himself that begs for this sort of skepticism.
It’s well-known that Cutler doesn’t handle the tough situations well. He’s at his worst as a quarterback in the red zone and in 3rd down situations. He rolled up in a pouty ball and demanded a trade when he didn’t get enough affirmation from the Broncos. Even Brian Urlacher, the guy who offered the most empassioned defense of Cutler after Sunday’s performance has been rumored to have called him a “pussy” on prior occasions.
Sunday before the “injury” spoke to his “big game” proclivities; afterward this could easily be what defines his career. But they both speak to his “toughness,” and you can’t tell me otherwise.
You shouldn’t cheer for the Chicago Bears anyway; we’ve documented that quite well over the past few weeks. However, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler exudes such a rare combination of smarminess and suckitude that no self-respecting fan should support him or the Bears, who also believe they are better than they are. Colin Cowherd made mention of this fact on Friday on his radio show. But this isn’t about how the Bears, should they win, would be the worst Super Bowl team ever. Rather this is about why you should want to see Cutler peeling bits of frozen Soldier Field dirt out of his facemask. After all, the resounding majority of you would not be Facebook friends with him.
1) Even Referees Don’t Like Him
Referees are supposed to be completely impartial, which is how you know that backhand bitch slap was perfectly accidental (wink, nudge…) It’s not like NFL officials have had to listen Cutler whine every time he gets picked off, throws an incompletion, or gets stapled to the turf, which by our count combined happens about 70 times a game.
2) Cutler is a Massive Crybaby
Refer back to Reason #1. Cutler routinely breaks out his crying towel for more than just officials. Just look a the sullen pout he pulls off during a post loss press conference; the one after the game against Washington when he made the Redskins’ DeAngelo Hall the all-time Bears’ leading receiver was my favorite example.
This is the big word Wikipedia uses for when a search term returns multiple topics. Google “Jay Cutler” and a lot of the hits you are going to get refer to the overly-bronzed side of beef shown above. It seems that as well as being a pick-throwing whiner, Jay Cutler is also a former Mr. Olympia who is clearly over-compensating for being the namesake of such a monumental tool.
4) The Kyle Orton Connection
It has been a long-established tenet here at Dubsism that Kyle Orton is the Greatest Athlete in the History of Ever. However, thanks to the trade between the Broncos and the Bears, Orton’s name is forever linked with Cutler’s. As far as quarterback play in concerned, this may be the classic example of a guy who isn’t flashy, but doesn’t make mistakes versus a guy who has that sexy big arm coaches fall in love with, but ultimately will get you killed through his complete cement-headed uncoachability.
5) He Hasn’t Destroyed Lovie Smith’s Career Nearly Fast Enough
I completely can’t figure this one out; it’s like Lovie Smith is Superman in Stupid World, but for some reason Stupid Kryptonite doesn’t kill Stupid Superman. What the hell else does a guy have to do to get fired? If it weren’t for his hatred of Kyle Orton, he’d have a Super Bowl ring by now. If he would have benched that shithead Rex Grossman in favor of Orton in the Super Bowl against the Colts, we wouldn’t be subjected to Tony Dungy’s bible-thumping assholery now. I wonder if he and Mike Shanahan get together and fondle themselves over pictures of “Sexy Rexy?”
The fact this Bears team has reached an NFC Championship team means offensive coordinator Mike Martz has been “legitimitized” for at least one more NFL job after the fraud that is the Bears’ offense is exposed and he gets the firing he so richly deserves. To that end, you would have thought trading for the fully-automated, hydraulically-powered interception machine known as Jay Cutler would have been the end of the Smith regime, but even accidental success is a savior.
6) If Wal-Mart Sold a Shitty, Guatemalan-Made Tom Brady…Cutler Would Be It
We all know what buying a knock-off is like. It offers all the promise, yet none of the price. Of course, the packaging hasn’t even made its way to the dumpster yet by the time you’ve discovered you just flushed your cash down the crapper. Who the hell buys Jay Cutler as a “GQ” guy like Tom Brady? Frankly, I can’t decide which screams “alternative lifestyle” more…the overly-coiffed fashion model look or the oiled-up bodybuilder? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
7) Jay Cutler Really Is the Most Interesting Douche In The World
8 ) His Incredibly Annoying Survivability
Cutler has made a living playing behind offensive lines that look more like the row of turnstiles in a subway station. Yet, he keeps coming back. Let’ s be honest, how he didn’t get yanked during that pick-fest against the Redskins is beyond me.
I mean, Tony Romo at least had the common decency to suffer a season-ending injury, and Lord knows the Giants gave Cutler every chance to do the same. But, no, Cutler couldn’t do the honorable thing; rather he has subjected us all to a season of barely competent quarterback play.
God help us all if the Bears beat the Packers on Sunday, because that would only serve to further the illusion that Jay Cutler and this band of frauds known as the Chicago Bears are a legitimate championship-caliber football team.
1) Lovie Smith is the Dumbest Coach Who For Some Reason Never Gets Fired
Let’s be honest..the only reason Smith isn’t the dumbest head coach in the NFL is because Jim Caldwell still has a job. How dumb is Lovie? Let me count the ways:
- Smith ran Ron Rivera out of town
- Smith brought Mike Martz to town
- Six words: Rex Grossman in the Super Bowl
Lovie defines inflexible. He sticks with a bonehead like Jay Cutler, he sticks with an asshole like Mike Martz, and he gets rid of anybody who doesn’t like it. That’s not Chicago, that’s North Korea. Just like North Korea, the people he gets rid of have talents, but they are’t kissing Lovie’s ass, so out they go. Not to mention, how many Bears games would feature the following lines in the next’s morning’s newspaper, all of which can be attributed to Smith’s idiocy/arrogance:
- Another loss caused by another crucial Jay Cutler interception
- Smith can’t manage the clock, losing a challenge after calling a timeout, thereby burning two on just one play
- An inept and stubborn gameplan from Mike Martz
- Offense again couldn’t establish the run
- Offensive line can’t pick up an outside blitz
2) Mike Martz is an Asshole Who Should Have Been Discredited Years Ago
Normally, when you hire a guy, you talk to his former employer. When the Bears were looking for an offensive coordinator, Charlie Armery, got wind of the Bears’ interest. Being Martz’s former boss in St. Louis, Armery was quick to disspell the notion that Jay Cutler may benefit from the “offensive master mind” that is Mike Martz.
“He’s a terrible…coach, and he would ruin that kid like he ruined Kurt Warner and drove him out of St. Louis. He’s the worst thing that could happen to any young quarterback,” Armery said. He later went on to say that it would be an “absolute mistake” for Bears coach Lovie Smith to hire him.
Of course, this almost guaranteed the Bears hiring Martz, which they inexplicably did. You really had to wonder about this move not only for that, but for the fact that Lovie Smith thinks his team “gets off the bus running,” and Martz has a reputation for being a coach who loves to fill the skies with footballs? The blatant truth is that since his early success in St. Louis, Martz can only get hired to second-or-worse rate jobs (San Francisco, Detroit, Chicago), because in the years since working for the Rams, Martz has had exactly zero success, largely because he is an inflexible “smartest guy in the room” type asshole.
He managed to incite a player revolt in Detroit when he refused even to entertain changing his unbalanced offense, pass-happy, and largely unsuccessful approach. That got him fired. He managed to fall out of favor with 49ers management, including then-head coach Mike Singletary, because he refused even to entertain changing his unbalanced, pass-happy, and largely unsuccessful approach. That got him fired. And on more than one occasion, he nearly got his quarterback killed in Chicago because of his refusal even to entertain changing his unbalanced, pass-happy, and largely unsuccessful approach.
Remember the game against the Giants this past season…the one where Jay Cutler got sacked about a billion times before New York finally knocked him out of the game? Remember how Martz kept throwing the ball with a 78-year old Todd Collins at quarterback? Remember how that ended for Collins (he too needed to be peeled off the field). Martz got so many quarterbacks killed that night I was waiting for the Bears to thaw out Bob Avellini. Again he showed refusal to change his unbalanced, pass-happy, and largely unsuccessful approach, and he should have been fired that night.
3) George Halas Was a Miserly Prick
People love to speak glowingly of Halas as he was one of the founding fathers of the NFL. I understand that as a businessman, he started with hardly a pot to piss in. I get the early years were tough; the Bears lost $71.63 in their first year. However, by the time Halas retired in 1968, he and the Chicago Bears franchise were both worth multiple millions of dollars.
Despite his success, Halas was ruthless, dictatorial, vindictive, and phenomenally tight-fisted. He could squeeze a penny so hard he could make Abe Lincoln fart. As a rookie, George Blanda was signed by the Chicago Bears for $600 in 1949, an amount owner George Halas demanded back when he made the team. Blanda would eventually end up as a record setting quarterback, place-kicker, and Hall-of-Famer, yet Halas saw fit to use him as a linebacker. It would not be until 1953 that Blanda would emerge as the Bears’ top signal caller, but an injury the following year effectively ended his first-string status. For the next four years, he was used mostly in a kicking capacity. Later commenting on his testy relationship with Halas, Blanda noted “he was too cheap to even buy me a kicking shoe.” Blanda later reflected that by the 1950s the pro game had moved beyond Halas, which explains why of Halas’ seven NFL Championships, only one came after 1947.
4) Jay Cutler Is a Douchebag
The Proof: There’s a Facebook group to that effect, and if it’s on Facebook, it has to be true. Face it, Jay Cutler has quickly become the NFL’s favorite whipping boy, and there’s one person to blame: Jay Fucking Cutler. I will be the first to admit, at first I thought the kid had brass ones, but that was based solely on his performance in college when he led Vanderbilt into overtime on the road against the at-the-time seemingly invincible Florida Gators. The problem is Cutler later proved himself to be a spoiled, rich-bitch-kid, prep school quarterback who emits that “I am the shit” persona heavily salted with his own special flavor of douchebaggery. To summarize Cutler would be to say he is the sort of guy who believes Albert Einstein couldn’t have been all that great because he never threw for 4,000 yards.
Seriously, if it weren’t for the good people at Failbooking.com, we may never have seen this pure bit of delight. Sure, it pre-dates Cutler’s current Chicago reign of suckitude, but who can resist cheap shots at Vanderbilt AND Duke…
My personal favorite: “Jay Cutler is a Dallas Cowboys fan.” What more proof is there of extreme douchitude?