By J-Dub and Ryan Meehan
Editor’s Note: This article is a collaborative effort between J-Dub and Ryan Meehan from First Order Historians. Ryan also has his own blog, East End Philadelphia, which is featured in the Dubsism BlogRoll and it is well worth the read.
Every four years, the world governing body of soccer (FIFA) holds the pinnacle event in the sport; the World Cup. Just a few months back, we all saw what a spectacle it is; it is a global event second only to the Olympics. What many of you probably didn’t know is that basketball has a similar organization. The Fédération de Internationale de Basketball (FIBA) does the same for hoops as FIFA does for soccer. Similarly, FIBA also hosts a World Cup, which it is trying to make as large of an event as its soccer counterpart.
The trouble is this event has gone largely unnoticed in the country which is the king of basketball. The average American never even heard of the Basketball World Cup, until a few weeks ago when the Indiana Pacers’ Paul George did his best Barbaro impression during a Team USA scrimmage. The echo from his snapping leg bones hadn’t even stopped yet when the debate started. On one side, there is a school of thought in America which believes the basketball World Cup is incredibly pointless. On the opposite side is a group who see great value in international competition.
In this installment of Point – Counterpoint, Meehan takes up the cause of the “America First” crowd, which collides head-on with J-Dubs’ belief the growth potential of all sports, not just basketball, is in the global arena.
1) What Started All This: The Potential for Injuries
By J-Dub and Ryan Meehan
The Deep Six is another series from Sports Blog Movement that has found a new home on Dubsism. In its history, it has sometimes been written by J-Dub, sometimes by Ryan Meehan, and sometimes a collaboration. Sometimes it has appeared on Sports Blog Movement, and sometimes on Dubsism, but it has always been about delving deeply into the topics that live in the intersection of pop culture and sports.
In today’s installment, J-Dub and Meehan continue the long march toward the beginning of the real NFL season by taking a look at the people with whom we share that season. No, they are not here to discuss your drinking buddies; they are probably drunken reprobates like they are. Rather, this is about the television personalities we must all suffer during that enjoyment of football.
Here’s the premise. We all know the broadcaster ranks are full of people who don’t suck, like Gus Johnson. We all know those ranks are full of those who do suck; they are far too numerous to mention. But in between there is wide band of broadcasters no one just can’t definitively assign to either category. That why J-Dub and Meehan are going to look at people in four different broadcasting categories: Analyst, Color Commentator, Play-by-Play, and Sideline Reporter.
To help decide into which category these folks should be flung, J-Dub and Meehan are going to explore the pros and cons of each. Being that the theme of this series is the Deep Six, normally they would cover six members of each category. But since this is about football, they’ve decided to include the extra-point.
Without further adieu, here they are (in alphabetical order).
Sports Blog Movement may be gone, but the Blast-Cast has returned. Today’s episode is all about a preview of the upcoming NFL season that only J-Dub and Ryan Meehan can bring you. This is more than just which team is better than which…this is stuff you really need to know!
WARNING: This Blast-Cast gets a bit more R-rated and addresses some controversial subjects. This is because J-Dub and Meehan get into a discussion about how NFL Kommissar Roger Goodell is going to screw up the NFL somehow, and this leads to a point where J-Dub has a profanity-filled tirade and says some things that some may find objectionable. Granted, that’s not really news, but the point is that if you are easily offended, maybe you should skip this podcast and stick with something more NPR-ish. In other words, if you choose to listen to this Blast-Cast and hear something that pisses you off, don’t say you weren’t warned.
Click here to listen to or download the Blast-Cast (MP3 format)…The Blast-Cast is also available on Itunes.
Editor’s Note: Mr. Rockford is a private detective based in Malibu, California. We here at Dubsism have retained Mr. Rockford at his standard rate of two hundred dollars a day plus expenses to investigate matters of crime and other general shadiness in the world of sports, then report back to us when needed. If you would like to contact Mr. Rockford, at the tone, leave your name and number and he’ll get back to you.
Being a private investigator, I don’t believe in coincidences. Having said that, don’t think for a minute there is a coincidence between the death of James Garner and the death of Sports Blog Movement. To make a long story short, while SBM had great contributors and was the home to some awesome sports content, it proved to have one fatal flaw; it diluted that great content across too many outlets. That’s why while SBM has gone away, many of the features you had come to know at SBM will still be available on Dubsism.
For example, soon you will be hearing the Blast-Cast again, the podcasting partner ship between J-Dub and Ryan Meehan. As long as we a speaking of podcasts, Radio J-Dub will making a return soon. If you aren’t familiar, think of these casts as the antithesis of the useless self-manufactured fluff brought to you by the likes of ESPN, or as it is referred to on Dubsism, the World Wide Bottom Feeder.
In addition to that, many features that were once exclusive to Sports Blog Movement that will be making a new home on Dubsism.
- Sports Doppelgangers: The series for sports and celebrity look-alikes
- Tales of Depression and Sorrow: Stories of long-suffering fans of not-so-good teams
- Conversations Not Meant To Be Public: Great stuff unearthed by J-Dub’s investigative journalism division. DISCLAIMER: Buy “unearthed,” J-Dub may mean “completely fabricated.” But it some seriously funny stuff in any event
- The Deep Six: A Ryan Meehan joint (often featuring J-Dub) exposing the foibles of pop culture in sports
Not only will Dubsism be the new home of these features, but it will to continue to being you the finest in J-Dub’s sports-themed rants as it always has. But by now, you have to be asking yourself “what the hell does Jim Rockford have to do with all this?”Because another feature Dubsism has had since it’s inception is a long line of guest columns. There’s plenty of collaborations with the aforementioned Ryan Meehan, there’s a long list of informative pieces on the complexities of the business of sport by famed general manager Joe McGrath, and a host of contributions by King George VI, who explains all sorts of thing Americans generally don’t understand. I’m included in there as well; the world of sports has all sorts of seedy dealings in the shadows of the law. See, now that James Garner is gone, nobody is likely to sue Dubsism over the deal I just signed to be it’s exclusive investigatory contributor.So, if you are a sports fan, you will want to subscribe to Dubsism today. There’s going to be too much stuff available here that you simply can’t afford to miss!
I’m probably going to regret this collaboration. This is what SportsChump considers flattery, Besides, I don’t swear nearly as fucking much as he thinks I do:
I have a friend. His name is J-Dub. He’s kinda weird, an ornery fellow if I may. We’ve never officially met, but he runs a website just like mine, except his has a lot more curse words. He is one of the more creative minds you’ll find in cyberspace. He and I have collaborated before for some good times.
We’ve decided to do so again.
As we regularly read each other’s material and support each other’s sites, we often exchange ideas that readers might deem read-worthy. Renaming divisions in college and professional sports was one of those ideas. This idea was spawned when the Big Ten deciding to name its two divisions with the rather non-descript “Legends” and “Leaders.” That always struck us as odd. The idea has since been kicked to the curb with conference
officials opting for the more traditional East-West beginning in the 2014 season. Fortunately those in charge of naming the divisions never considered doing so after the conference’s most legendary coaches. We
know how that would have ended up.
That’s why I called upon J-Dub. Who better than to enlighten us with an answer to the pressing issues of our time? After all, East, West, Central are all so boring, not to mention, he’s done this before with college football. Besides, half the teams that play in those divisions don’t even reside in the part of the country they’re supposed to represent. The Dallas Cowboys play in the NFC East. The Denver Nuggets play in the NBA’s Northwest Division. Have you seen where those two cities are on a map?
There’s no rhyme or reason to any of this, which is why we’re here.
Editor’s Note:This article is a collaborative effort between Dubsism’s own J-Dub and Ryan Meehan from East End Philadelphia, which is featured in our BlogRoll and it is well worth the read.
Here’s the concept. Roger Goodell is such a blithering idiot that he very well could be the guy who fucks up the National Football League forever. Stop to think about what we are saying here. This guy could take a sports league which has been the unquestioned ruler of American sports for at least thirty years and have it saying “Yes, sir boss” to shit like NASCAR thirty years from now. Don’t think for a minute that can’t happen…think about where boxing ranked in the panoply of American sports before it fell under the spell of a guy who has a hair-style reminiscent of an electrocuted Q-Tip.
1) Captain of the Titanic
Editor’s Note: Mr. Rockford is a private detective based in Malibu, California. We here at Dubsism have retained Mr. Rockford at his standard rate of two hundred dollars a day plus expenses to investigate matters of crime and other general shadiness in the world of sports, then report back to us when needed. If you would like to contact Mr. Rockford, at the tone, leave your name and number and he’ll get back to you.
Have you seen the ESPN commercial that feature the two English soccer fans that have no idea they are indistinguishable? After you’ve seen that commercial, you may not realize that situation exists right here in America.
Look at a map of the greater New York/New Jersey area. Pinpoint MetLife Stadium, it is right next to the Meadowlands Race Track, “Meadowlands” being a polite euphemism for “Dismal Jersey Swamp.” Draw a 50-mile circle around it, and it is the Jets and Giants fans who live within this zone I’m talking about. I know one of the contributors to Sports Blog Movement is a Giants fans who lives somewhere in the Midwest; I’m sure his life is already some soulless vortex of suck, so it’s important he knows I’m not talking about him.
So, if you were born within the 50-mile zone of exclusion, you were raised either a Jets or Giants fan. So, how can you tell the difference? In a word, you can’t, because to the untrained eye, like those soccer fans in that commercial they are the same. But unlike those soccer fans, they will change their colors depending on which team doesn’t currently suck. In 2007, their world turned blue based on one piece of blind luck from Eli Manning and that guy who could catch with his forehead. A year later, they all turned green when the Giants were nowhere to be found in January and Rex Ryan found a way to get to back-to-back AFC Championship games with another shit-heap of a quarterback. Last year, the NY/NJ football color pendulum swung back to blue because the New England Patriots are bigger gag artists than a runaway at her first porn audition.
That’s why now is the time to learn the subtle differences present in this seemingly infernally similar group of football derelicts; neither of these teams are in the play-offs so our January will for once be free of their mouthbreather fans. Seriously, the Jets/Giants fans I’m talking about are the most horrible people imaginable. They are worse than vegetarians and Patriot fans combined. One of the advantages of living in a city without an NFL franchise means these assholes aren’t coming here for road games.
But let’s talk about their home games. There more than just the fact they share a stadium that from the outside resembles the world’s largest parking garage. MetLife Stadium rises like a concrete sarcophagus out of the Jersey swamp, but it is in that football hell hole where you can start to see the differences between Giants and Jets fans.
As you may have noticed, the National Hockey League is currently not available for our viewing pleasure. This is largely because NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has a fundamental misunderstanding of what the business of sports is all about. After reading this piece, you will have more of an understanding of this business than Bettman does. Then again, you could pop a pimple and understand more than Bettman does.
Whether or not you like the NHL isn’t as important as the fact the current lockout the league is going through has some profound impacts, and not all of them are exclusively related to hockey. Follow us through the following six points, and you will see why what is happening in the NHL is bad for sports in general and those who depend on it either directly or indirectly.
Then, you can apply to be the next NHL Commissioner. After all, nobody can fuck it up any worse.
1) The NHL (When in Business) Helps Other Sports Entities
This gets a bit convoluted, but if you follow along, this will make sense. Stay with us on this; believe it or not, this can be explained.
A large portion of Canadians are hockey fans, and a large portion number of NHL fans happen to be Canadians. That need no be as confusing as it sounds, if you bear in mind that hockey is the de facto national sport of our neighbors to the north. The NHL is popular all across Canada; the same cannot be said of the U.S. We can pretty much guarantee you that if you live in the Mountain Time Zone and happen to be a huge hockey fan, there is an astronomically high probability you don’t have any friends. Not to get all 9th-grade algebra class on you, but the ratio of Canadians to hockey fans to complete drunks is best expressed in a Venn diagram.
So, why the hell does that matter? Right now, it is an incredibly safe bet a great number of Canadians couldn’t care less about any American sports media outlets, such as ESPN or the NBC Sports Network because the NHL is nowhere to be seen. What that means is every other sport is losing exposure to a market of close to 30 million people. While that might not sweat the NFL very much, that hurts smaller leagues who need all the exposure they can get, especially those like the NBA and Major League Soccer which both have franchises in Canada. Outside of those Canadian markets which have franchises, exposure across Canada gets more limited than Mel Gibson’s future career options.
In other words, picture what would happen to the exposure to European soccer in the U.S. if the English Premier League suffered a work stoppage. Most Americans would have nothing to ignore for two hours on ESPN before College GameDay on Saturday mornings.
There’s another reason the NHL matters in Canada to other sports leagues. The NHL keeps Canadians watching American sports leagues which have fucked Canada so often we are amazed we don’t owe the Great White North some serious back-owed child support. American sports leagues have all got vested interests in Canada, and more than one has had a colossal failure north of the border. From a business perspective, the Montreal Expos were a complete disaster and the Vancouver Grizzlies only lasted five years. So, without the NHL, what’s left? A Toronto baseball team which hasn’t won anything in twenty years, a Toronto basketball team which will never win anything, and one shitty Buffalo Bills’ game in Toronto every year. No wonder the Canadians are pissed off at us.
But wait; it gets better. When you take this back full-circle to the NHL, one really has to point out that the NHL is now, and has always been an American league. While every alcoholic hockey fan in Canada is now firing a Molson bottle through their monitor, stop to consider that once the NHL stabilized in the 1940’s (there was a nearly thirty-year period in which the number of franchises and their locations fluctuated almost yearly), out of the “original” six franchises, four were in the U.S. When the league’s first expansion occurred in 1967, all six new franchises were in the U.S.
In the “expansion” era, the first franchise to be added in Canada was the Vancouver Canucks in 1971. As it stands today, the league consists of 30 teams, and only 7 of them are in Canada; and it has been almost 20 years since a Canadian team hoisted Lord Stanley’s Cup.
To make a long story short, Canadians can’t be happy with how Americans are fucking up their game, a sentiment which carries over to other sports, which is why the Winnipeg Blue Bombers will always have a larger following than whichever shitty NFL franchise eventually ends up in Toronto.
2) The NHL Was Doing Quite Well Before This Idiotic Lockout
Speaking of Winnipeg, the “City of Opportunity” is the “canary in the coal mine” for the health of the NHL In other words, when the NHL does well in Winnipeg, the NHL does well in general. Conversely, a league that can’t succeed in the heart of Canada playing the de facto national sport doesn’t deserve to survive.
For lack of a better comparison, Winnipeg should be to the NHL as Green Bay is to the NFL. Green Bay has no business having a NFL franchise because it is a little town which comes nowhere near the market requirements to support a franchise; the entire population of Green Bay would fit inside Michigan Stadium. However, the NFL uses a model that allows team to remain in places where they are popular where the market may not support a franchise. Without the NFL’s current model, there would be no Green Bay Packers, Indianapolis Colts, Jacksonville Jaguars, New Orleans Saints, Buffalo Bills, St. Louis Rams, and others.
The NHL needs to figure out how make something similar work, and now is the time. At the conclusion of the 2011-2012 NHL season, the National Hockey League was getting about as much play in the American sports market as it’s ever going to get. Television ratings were through the roof, and with the Los Angeles Kings winning the Stanley Cup, all of a sudden we were starting to see celebrities at hockey games in the bigger markets. Even with the talk of the impending cancellation of this season, the casual sports fan was paying attention to the NHL. In a way, even the non-believers were still believing hockey would come back as opposed to ten years ago when they didn’t even care because they were all pre-occupied passing out in the hallways of their college dormitory after a full night of date-raping each other.
This means instead of having a pseudo-suicidal lockout, Commissioner Gary Bettman and the NHL owners should have been figuring out how to make franchises viable in places not only like Winnipeg , but other places in “hockey territory. ” Refer back to Point #1 for a minute. Nobody in the leadership ranks of the NHL wants to admit this, but hockey is a territorial sport, and it has limited appeal outside of that territory. That fact alone makes it all the more crucial WITHIN that territory, and that’s the big deal here.
What exactly is “hockey territory?’ Essentially, it anywhere that has a) real winters, b) a reasonable market for professional sports, c) anyplace where hockey is the “national sport,” and/or c) a city with a large population transplanted from “a” or “c.” In other words, this means Canada, the northeastern third of the U.S., and about four cities outside of that.
The key to all this is that once somebody figures out how to make the NHL viable in some of the smaller markets in “hockey territory,” many of the problems this league has will disappear overnight. Naturally, given how the leadership of the NHL has handled itself up to this point, if the individual who pulls that off comes from that group, then you are invited to come over for a sizzling, freshly-killed unicorn steak from the J-Dub/Meehan unicorn ranch, because let’s be honest…we are starting to get really fucking hungry over here, and we all tired of Thanksgiving leftovers by this point.
By focusing on the areas where hockey has popularity, the league can move franchises to cities where they would actually generate interest. If they have too many franchises, they can always contract a few. This is the part where we would apologize to all the Columbus Blue Jackets season ticket holders, but there’s only like 16 of them, and they are far more pissed that the NHL just butt-fucked them out of an All-Star game they had worked hours to get.
The bottom line is that the NHL is better off by dominating in smaller markets if need be than operating in an era of indifference in larger ones. There will always be the franchises that make more money than others; that happens in any league regardless of what any baseball purist may tell you. By putting the product in markets where it will generate interest, the NHL can begin to demand better money for national broadcasting rights. It won’t happen is because the NHL is run by a bunch of dumb-fucks who believe they can market a winter sport in places like Miami and Phoenix; this is the same bunch of mental midgets who don’ t understand by having this lockout, they are losing the golden opportunity to do this. Gary Bettman deservedly gets the blame for a lot of this as his sorry ass is the name at the top of the stationery.
3) The NHL Offers An Economic Impact At The Local Level
Whether you’re a hockey fan or not, it’s hard to argue with the fact that the NHL creates thousands of employment opportunities year after year. Directly, there’s the hundreds of jobs created by an NHL team, from the front office and marketing people all the way down to the guy who washes the jockstraps. Indirectly, there’s the arena parking attendants, the beer and peanut vendors, and several others whose jobs really rely on the presence of the NHL.
Let’s take a look at the impact the lockout has on various people connected to the NHL:
An NHL Owner:
Although it may seem difficult to believe, these shitheads have their servants buy their groceries at the same stores that we do. Sure, they make more money than any of us will likely see in a lifetime, and in America today we love to demonize rich people for no other fucking reason then they happen to be rich. But J-Dub made a great point about this in our piece on the recent election; the guy who signs your check is not on food stamps.
This is exactly why there is as much importance in being a rich guy at the top of the food chain as there is in being a poor guy at the bottom. Go take a look at what places look like where there are no rich people; they are absolute shit-ponds like Somalia, the Phillipines, and a Wal-Mart after 9 p.m. Rich people are the ones who foot the bill for business by putting their livelihoods on the line, so they should be rewarded accordingly. As far as the NHL goes, without the owners, there is no league.
Having said that, when there is no revenue coming in you can only imagine how much money they are losing. Let’s take a brief moment and explain that, because it is too easy to simply dismiss the problem here with the “ahhh, but they are a bunch millionaires” sort of class envy.
The class of wealth in which you find the type of guy who owns an NHL franchise never really needs to take stock of how much cash they have on hand because unlike you and us, they are investors and businessmen first, and consumers second. They always have a plan for next year, so if there is no next year (which essentially where this lockout is headed), they know they need to have either a lot of money to whether the storm, or to have other revenue-generating investments. If they don’t, you can bet their net worth is going to drop like Ol’ Dirty Bastard at his final recording session.
Naturally, that begs the question why would these guys deliberately stage this work stoppage. Because nobody ever said rich and smart went hand-in-hand. We can’t forget that it is the owners who got the league into this mess by spending huge amounts of money without having appreciable national television contracts in the U.S.
In other words, hating these guys just because they are rich misses the point. Hate them because they are stupider than Forrest Gump sticking his dick in a pencil-sharpener.
An NHL General Manager:
As a guy entrusted to run an NHL team, you face a day-to-day battle to make sure everything is in place. The owners know there are precious few decent and/or honest people with talent in whom one can trust to safeguard an enormous financial investment, which is when they find one, they are handsomely rewarded. Naturally, many who do not meet these criteria are also handsomely rewarded, which takes us right back to the stupidity of the owners.
In other words, being an NHL general manager means working for a guy who keeps sticking his dick into pencil sharpeners, and when you tell him to pull his dick out of the pencil sharpener, rather than following your advice, he starts an argument with you about how many times to crank the handle
An NHL Coach:
Before New York Rangers’ head coach John Tortarella’s outburst about the Pittsburgh Penguins getting special treatment from the league due to their superstar-laden line-up, it never really occurred to us how hard it is to be an NHL coach.
Think about it for a minute. You have to manage a bunch of grown men, who are primarily either Canadian, or Northern/Eastern European; two groups of people who even if they weren’t pucksters are prone to drink to the point of brain damage EVERY night. The minute you try to address that issue, even after the state troopers just peeled one of them of a roadside tree, all they do is get on Twitter and bitch to the media about what a self-righteous asshole you are.
The best part is these Budweiser-sponges on skates get away with this shit because the casual sports fan probably couldn’t name five current NHL coaches, and they think Barry Melrose and Don Cherry are the be-all, end-all of NHL knowledge. How’s that for fucked up?
But wait, there’s more. Not only do they have to deal with all that, but they get to do it under the constant, yet inconsistent leadership eye of Assholius Supremus Gary Bettman. Given that, why would anybody want to be an NHL coach? Because it’s just slightly better than making a living breaking into cars.
Remember when Ray Lewis said that if last year’s NFL lockout lasted into the regular season, there would be a rise in crime because people would start stabbing each other if they didn’t have football to watch? To that end, it’s probably not a very good thing to have a bunch of unemployed hockey coaches running around.
Stop and think about it for a minute…what would happen if all these people in dangerous and/or shitty professions suddenly were no longer able to channel their energy in some constructive form? Before you start listening to those right-wing nutcases bitch about (insert rapper they don’t like here) making a living in a manner they don’t like.
Well, when you think about it, hockey coaches top that list, even if you don’t realize it. Hockey is the only sport where you can see a players committing full-on felony aggravated assault while their coach is right behind them screaming “KICK HIS FUCKING ASS!” There’s a certain breed of lunatic who becomes a hockey coach, and we’d be willing to bet none of them are the type of guy who takes up knitting when they have nothing to do. Get the point?
An NHL Bench Player:
Bench players in basketball, baseball,l and hockey have pretty sweet jobs, so it’s difficult to feel too sorry for them, but this shit going on in the NHL affects them as well. Bench players across the sporting world get to see the whole country and every once in a while some third-world crapper your league think give a shit about your sport. Basically, your job is to stay somewhat ready for the day (which may never come) that due to injury and/or suckitude your number gets called.
This goes right back to the “Now what will they do?” question we posed in the previous segment. Do you know what most hockey coaches were before they became coaches? Bench players. This means the training ground for coaches is a world where guys drink their weight in beer, pass out every night, and occasionally piss themselves or on others.
In other words, today’s unemployed puckster center could end up being tomorrow’s coach; two groups of people which could easily spawn tomorrow’s most colorful serial killer.
You just can’t be too careful about these things.
An Arena Beer Vendor:
As two guys who drink quite a bit, we are the first to admit that most sporting events require the need to wet one’s whistle, and the men and women who allow that to happen are the most important people in the whole fucking building. If we take the time to pour some cheap-shit bourbon into empty hot sauce bottles, then it is only fair to buy a shitload of those nine-dollar beers as a chaser.
The arena beer guy doesn’t necessarily make a lot of money, but since it is usually base wage + commission job, as long as booze hounds like provide the volume, he’s at least got a shot to not end up faking car accident injuries for a living.
Just in terms of margin, if you pack an arena with J-Dub level drinkers (many people don’t know he is the one who taught Kitty Dukakis to love hand sanitizer on the rocks) and pump them full of suds at nine bucks a shot from a keg that dropped off of the truck onto the interstate and reloaded onto that same truck and sold to the arena for twenty bucks, the cash is just waiting to rain from the sky in “build a fucking cash Ark” proportions.
Double down on that with that tubularized mélange of beaks and rectums known as the hot dog, which costs four cents to make and once in an arena sells at T-bone prices, and that at some point even “last name ends in ‘-han’ level drinkers (Lohan, Meehan…you get the point…)” need to eat something they can vomit on to their shirt later, and it becomes obvious what a river of cash arena concessions can generate.
Then there’s the mortar which sticks those drunken bricks together…laziness. Who the fuck is surprised that the very same Americans who invented the drive-thru would be the same ones to bring you food and drink which is walked up to your very chair?
Let’s face, it is the American need to be constantly drunk and fatted up is the foundation upon which the job security of these concessionaires is built. If those people lose faith in the system, we might actually have to wait until there is a stoppage in play, get out of our seats, and (hold on, folks we’re about to experience some turbulence) actually go up to the concession stand and purchase that which will be lodging in our arteries ourselves.
Since the league is locked out now, these vendors may simply think that being a vendor is just not stable enough income to rely on every year (due to circumstances they will likely never understand) and when the league finally can put a product back on the ice after this situation is resolved in the summer of 2046, we won’t even have anybody to bring us our poison…sweet, delicious, poison.
Who the fuck are we kidding? We both will have been dead for decades by the time that finally goes down.
The Guy Who Washes The Jockstraps:
Here’s another example that exemplifies that all the links in the chain are important, whether or not they are at the top or bottom. Without the guy who washes the jockstraps, we would also have nobody to label them. This means we would have a league full of unsanitary undergarments being passed around the locker room like a roll of athletic tape.
In a world where the percentage of the general public who doesn’t have sexually transmitted diseases finds itself dangerously close to the percentage of the general public who is unemployed, making sure the right guy gets the right crotch-pouch is not only part of the job – it’s a safety measure. You don’t have to live inside of Colin Farrell’s medicine cabinet to know that the Center for Disease Control is one of the biggest failures in American history, right along with the war on drugs and Kitty Dukakis’ Vitalis-soaked liver (damn you, J-Dub).
Not only are these guys vital to the community health, but if we don’t keep these guys employed, there is no doubt that within about 72 hours North America would be knee-deep in Kardashian-quality genital infections.
4) Basketball Doesn’t Pop Out Of The Box With Excitement
Seriously, the NBA season just started, and nobody gives a fuck. Tune in SportsCemter tomorrow, and all the NBA talk you are going to get is going to be some tired old wheeze about “What’s wrong with the Lakers?” – that is when they aren’t full-on fellating LeBron James.
Other than the sports themselves, this is where hockey and basketball differ greatly. They are both winter sports. They are often times played in the same arena. But the NHL knows how to be exciting early in the season; it DOES pop out of the box. In comparison, the early-season NBA just sort of lies there like an overly-roofied sorority girl.
Unlike the NBA, very few NHL players take games off which is impressive when you consider a) the brutal nature of the game and b) the liver-numbing amount of drinking which the hockey culture floats on. Couple that with the fact it all happens on ice skates, and it gets even more impressive. There was no better ankle-breaking device invented than the ice skate, and mastering them is an accomplishment unto itself, let alone playing a fast-paced and violent game while on them. If you would have put ice skates on Sean Kemp, he wouldn’t have been able to find his dick, let alone create a bazillion illegitimate kids (have fun trying to jackhammer that visual out of your head).
On top of all that, NBA players have almost no pressure from a developed minor league system. Every player in the NHL knows that the minute he stops producing, there are a ass load of guys toiling in shit holes like Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan and Moline, Illinois who would kill for the chance to play in bigger shit holes like Ottawa or Columbus, Ohio.
Now, we will admit there is the NBA’s D-League, which while having franchises in exciting metropolises like Fort Wayne, Indiana and Erie, Pennsylvania, it simply does not produce enough quality players to make NBA players feel like their jobs might be in jeopardy once they start to suck. Guys in the NBA couldn’t name one D-League player unless they are related to him, which we might also be able to pin on Shawn Kemp.
This is why even good NBA teams have roster full of shit heaps like Dexter Pittman, Boris Diaw, and Jodie Meeks on their rosters. If you want to doubt that, ask yourself this question: If the NBA had a solid system of feeder leagues, then why would wastes like Antawn Jamison and the fuckwipe formerly known as Ron Artest still be Los Angeles Lakers? Not to mention, just who the fuck is Jodie Meeks anyway?
5) Gary Bettman and the NHL Owners Have No Business Savvy
Mentioning the name Mitt Romney invariably brings up the election we just got past. Regardless of what you think about what just happened, the point here is that back in 2005, Romney and his multi-billion dollar empire made a bid to buy the entire league. From Deadspin:
It was March 2005, and the NHL’s owners didn’t know what to do. It had been six months since they’d locked out the players’ union, trying to force concessions, but the players were still refusing to bear the brunt of spending cuts. Two weeks earlier, the league had finally canceled the already-delayed season. No money was coming in, and none would be. For the first time since the Spanish Flu epidemic of 1919, no Stanley Cup would be awarded.
Now commissioner Gary Bettman told the owners that their meeting would have a visitor, from outside, who had something to say to them. The visitor came in with a number and a proposal: For $3.5 billion, he said, he was willing to purchase every single team in the league. His company, Bain Capital, wanted to buy the entire NHL.
Since its founding in 1984, Bain Capital had been swooping down on struggling businesses, buying them out with cheap debt, and using austere management to make them profitable—for the private equity firm and for Mitt Romney, the former partner whose 10-year retirement agreement would continue to pay out profits through 2009. What the businesses were hardly mattered. Bain’s holdings have included AMC Theaters, The Weather Channel, Toys “R” Us, Burlington Coat Factory, and Burger King, companies with nothing in common beyond the potential profits Bain saw in running them its own way.
And now, Bain saw a chance to buy low on professional hockey. The Toronto Star reported that on March 1, 2005, Bain Capital managing partner (and Boston Celtics co-owner) Steve Pagliuca, accompanied by Bob Caporale of Game Plan LLC (which specializes in facilitating sales of sports franchises), made a presentation at an owners meeting in New York. They had been invited specifically by Bettman. Bill Daly, the NHL’s chief legal officer, said afterward that “when someone’s offering over $3 billion, we felt we had an obligation to the board to have them, at least, hear it from the proposed purchaser.”
So, why didn’t this happen?
The Deadspin article will lead you to believe that the $3.5 billion offer Bain made was too far below the $4.9 billion Bettman and the owners thought the league was worth. While that may be true, what’s also true is that Bettman and the owner don’t understand their business model is fatally flawed. For starters, the NHL is spending big cash on salaries while not having a commensurate television revenue. Sure, they have a $2 billion deal with NBC, but that is small change compared to what the NFL is getting. What is comes down to is that Bettman and the NHL have an over-inflated view of the value of the NHL, and Bettman has a delusional view of the future of the league.
“Over-inflated” might be a bit of an understatement when you consider that the difference between $3.5 and $4.9 billion dollars makes it unfathomable to think that such a difference in estimates was made in error. But this is Gary Bettman, who can fuck things up worse than your mother suddenly appearing in your Sofia Vergara-based wet dream. That alone makes it not all that hard to believe he was off almost a billion and a half dollars. This genius couldn’t count his balls and get the same number twice.
You would think that there would be a baseline of mental competency to be the commissioner of a major sports league, but Bettman is only one of the four faces we would carve into Mount Commissioner Dipshit.
6) A rejuvenated NHL would piss off Alan Parkins, and nothing would make us happier than that
One of the great things about blogs is that they give anybody an outlet for what ever they want. Alan Parkins represents everything that can be terrible about that. About three years ago, we started to notice a lot of comments on our blogs from a man in Florida by the name of Alan Parkins, also known as “Tophatal.” At first, while his comments were difficult to understand, we appreciated him stopping by our sites site to discuss various topics in sports.
We knew a long time ago he had no love for hockey, but we have never been ones to discourage differing opinions; Hell, that’s the whole reason why we have a Comments section. However, it is one thing to have an opposing viewpoint, but it’s quite another to be a complete blog-dick. At first, his comments were easily dismissed as the ramblings of a lunatic. But then he took it upon himself to hijack the Comments sections of blogs he frequents, including ours. After a while, we grew tired of his constantly changing the subject and posting pictures of scantily clad women on our websites. We really grew thin of his bullshit when he questioned our sexuality when we told him to stop.
He would post some of the most insane responses to our articles and when he was wrapping up his free thought children that would have been better off aborted, he would bait us into responding by asking us questions that were about something completely different and were severely off topic. What was confusing about this is the guy would post pictures that could get us fired from work if the wrong person happened to be walking by while we were checking our comments for approval, but then he would censor his language with the context of the comment. If a guy is going to attach random pictures of what’s essentially softcore pornogrpahy to an article about football, we’re all going to laugh at him hysterically when he prints things like “What in the G****mn world is going on here?”
So, what the hell does this have to do with hockey? About a year ago, Parkins started arguing with Cal from First Order Historians on one of their hockey related threads. Based on nothing but his own opinion, Parkins started spewing a bunch of his usual bullshit about how hockey was pretty much dead and would never be a part of the sports culture again.
Again, it’s one thing to have your opinion, but Parkins showed what complete asswipe he is when his opinion was destroyed by inarguable facts, he simply played the “Well if I don’t watch it, it’s not important” card.
That’s why we hope the NHL comes back bigger and better than ever. Every time there’s an NHL story out here, we hope it is like a red-hot puck being slapped straight up Parkins’ ass. Every single goddamn time.
What Parkins’ too fucking stupid to realize is that we all know he is just a troll. Know how we know that, dipshit? If you are so dis-interested by hockey, then why did you spend so fucking much arguing about it? If hockey sucks like you say it does, then why do you care? Are you that bored? I suppose, you can only surf for so much porn…
One more thing, Al…and this is coming straight from J-Dub…I know exactly what kind of cowardly fuckface you really are. I know you will try to play the race card and say we are beating on you because you are black. From one black man to another, don’t you dare try that shit. If you do, I will make sure everybody can see the kind of ridiculous, hate-filled crap you’ve spewed. Also Al, if you want to try to call this some sort of cyber-bullying, most of the people’s blogs whom you’ve infected with your crap are too nice to say anything to you, but we’ve grown tired of you. There’s been a lot of people who have been more than patient with your pointless rhetoric for long enough, and we were trying to politely give you a hint that we no longer wanted you around. Since that didn’t work, we are left with no other choice than to spell it out for you. You represent everything that give bloggers a bad name, and you would do us all a tremendous favor if you took your own life in the most gruesome manner possible.
That’s what this all really comes down to…Hockey is a blast to watch, and it will be even better to watch knowing it will completely piss off Alan Parkins. We are more than happy to defend one of the “big four” sports in America; it’s one of the “big four” for a reason.
-J-Dub and Meehan
Editor’s Note: This article is a collaborative effort between Dubsism’s own J-Dub and Ryan Meehan from First Order Historians. Ryan also has his own blog, East End Philadelphia, which is featured in our BlogRoll and it is well worth the read.
The United States of America offers to the rest of the world a classic example of what happens when a nation abandons the principles for which it stands. At the beginning of the 20th Century, America was a country on the verge of becoming a world power; a power built on the freedom and prosperity a constitutional republic allows. It was the same 20th Century that saw the rise of America into the most dominant socio-economic and military force the world had ever seen.
We’ve totally fucked it up since then, and not just “kinda fucked it up.” We’ve fucked it up on a “Ron Jeremy on a Thermos full of Viagra in a Thai flesh pit” scale. Let’s be honest, anytime you’re reading “Thai flesh pit,” that usually means that there is something seriously wrong.
If you don’t believe that, look around. We’ve got a nation full of dumbasses who think the government exists solely for their benefit, and don’t realize that at some point somebody has to provide all the shit the government gives away. To make a long story short, the freedom provided by that constitutional republic has also allowed America to grow within its own ranks a group of people who believe that very same freedom is pernicious to a modern, progressive society.
This is now why the only difference between a “conservative” and a “liberal” is which set of self-serving interests they are out to protect; neither of then give a shit about you or the future of the country, but they both are running campaigns designed to get you to believe they do. The filthy-ass “Occupy Something Except A Job” scumbag who wants to wallet-rape anybody who make five bucks a year more than he does so we can expand social “get money for nothing” programs and your sweet, cookie making grandmother who still votes for Ronald Reagan and who will stab you in the face with a knitting needle if you even mention touching her Social Security check…they are both cut from the same cloth…and it’s diaper cloth covered in that nuclear-waste green baby shit.
This is why constitutional republics like America get the kind of government they deserve. Hence, it’s no surprise we have a Congress that was empowered by an electorate that chugged a bottle of NyQuil about 40 years ago and has been drooling on it’s pillow ever since.
The Democrats pretend they care about the little guy, and yet every solution to a problem they’ve devised involves getting into the middle class pocket somehow. The party has been hi-jacked by the new American left, which is largely why the Democrats haven’t had an original idea in 40 years, and they haven’t had a good idea in 60.
So, fuck them.
Meanwhile, while the Republicans have a better grasp on foreign policy and the economy, for some reason they love to act just like Democrats, and until recently, they’ve caved anytime they’ve taken the slightest criticism.
So, fuck them too.
Having said all that, here’s our rundown on all that you need to know on all these political blow-job hacks and the media that covers them.
Editor’s Note: This article is a collaborative effort between Dubsism’s own J-Dub and Ryan Meehan from First Order Historians. Ryan also has his own blog, East End Philadelphia, which is featured in our BlogRoll and it is well worth the read.
Introduction By Ryan Meehan:
Far be it from me to boast about my vast knowledge from fashion. I’ve looked frumpy almost my whole life, wearing T-shirts inside out and whatever is easiest to slide on my feet without me having to bend over. I wear socks with clods, my shorts and pants are never ironed properly because I am terrified of fire. Since I haven’t been able to convince that part of my brain that an iron won’t get hotter after you unplug it, I have been the target of mockery from other individuals in this area for many years. To those people I would just like to say the following things:
- No, I don’t care what I look like and have no issue with dressing so plain.
- I’m so sorry that your life is so boring that you can’t come up with anything better to do than to talk shit about a person that just told you he doesn’t care what he looks like. I suggest that you go home and try to find something that you are good at, even though I’m quite sure you won’t do that.
- This is the gas station, not an Esquire magazine photoshoot. I’m buying milk and potato chips, do you see a fucking runway nearby?
- Even though I may not be fashionable, I don’t look ridiculous and consider myself rather proud of the fact that I can be neither of those things. Now, just because I’m not a fashion guru doesn’t mean that I don’t run across people who, for all intents and purposes, don’t have any business putting on their own clothes. These people are cultural criminals in the most serious sense of the classification (which may not be that serious when you consider I just came up with it) and they lower the collective intelligence of everybody that lays eyes on their sorry ass.
1) “YOLO” Shirts
For those of you who are lucky enough to never have run across this saying on a shirt, “YOLO” is an acronym for “You Only Live Once”. This pisses me off for several reasons, but the most important of those reasons is that it’s just a shitty slogan for a tennis shoe company. It’s not somebody who’s been given 5 years to live and really has to weigh each decision carefully only to eventually say “You Only Live Once!” and then decide that base jumping is the way to spend the last years of your life, only to not be paying attention to the parachute part of the training course.
The phrase “YOLO” was made famous by Canadian rapper Drake, who no one should ever take seriously as a hip-hop artist because he rose to fame on a Nickelodeon TV show. It was used in a song featuring Lil’ Wayne entitled “The Motto”, which does sort of make sense seeing as how LW’s face is covered in tattoos and even in the afterlife it would be hard to find a job with all of that artwork. Most recently, several shoe companies (Adidas) in particular are marketing shirts that bear the phrase and praise it’s aimless message of “Do anything you want and live life with reckless abandon and no care for others at all”. The only problem is, that wouldn’t fit on a T-shirt so they just ripped said acronym from said rap song and now America is full of young white kids with their hats tilted sideways (and we’ll get to that later) who are going to be driving home wearing a blindfold and might end up T-boning your new car. And even worse, if you do what you are supposed to do in that situation YOU’RE going to be the one charged with battery. It’s a very cruel and sad world we live in.
“You Only Live Once” is a stupid statement that is nothing more than just another excuse for young people to not wear condoms. And because they live the YOLO lifestyle and don’t choose to use latex to help preserve our already plummeting literacy rates, they are adding more mouths to feed for the generation that will follow. And because the deck was clearly stacked against them from a genetic standpoint, those kids will go out and buy shirts that say something similar and do things that are equally stupid. It’s a perfect example of how overpopulation is creating a whole lot of people who are guests on the Maury Povich show and have no plans to become architects. We are in some serious trouble here.
Another thing here – I don’t normally stand up for Hindu rights, but isn’t this extremely offensive to people who believe in reincarnation? I would hate for a young Hindu person to get in some terrible accident and one of the last things they remember be someone wearing a shirt that breaks the news to them about how they’ll never really be a cow. Of course the irony here is a Hindu person would never be caught dead in something like this, because they are very smart and all of those calls about redeeming credit card miles aren’t going to answer themselves.
Before this, I had no idea what “YOLO” even meant. From the first line of what he wrote, I knew this was pure, uncut bullshit. A Canadian Rapper? That’s like Bigfoot or a black guy with a job. Only sketchy evidence to support the existence of any of those things, but this “YOLO” shit really exists. And we are all worse of for it.
That’s really why I agreed to this. For those of you who normally read this blog, you know I primarily stick to sports. But this stuff is so important because we are not only are we creating a nation full of slack-jaws, through their clothing choices, they are willing to advertise that they barely have the IQs to find their own asses with both hands.
Like I told Meehan when he proposed this idea, I am probably old enough to be his father and it would take some work to bring my wardrobe up to “boring.” Not to mention, I don’t really use hashtags on Twitter; I need all 140 characters for my crabby old man rants. Face it, in the neighborhood of cyber-space, I am that guy who cuts up Nerf balls that land in his yards and gets a lot of flaming bags of dogshit on his front step. I mean, who the fuck even calls it “cyber-space” anymore? I do, and so do the other four swelled-prostate geezers who still use CompuServe…that’s who.
Anyway, at first I thought this was another one of Meehan’s “I had 14 vodka tonics” keyboard fuck-ups, but then I looked it up. It turns out it is an acronym for “You Only Live Once.” See, back in my day, “you only live once” was something you only heard really stupid people say in proximity to doing something really stupid.
It’s amazing how some things never change.
As I was researching this, I stumbled across this little gem from Robyn Dexter, campus editor of the Eastern Illinois University’s Daily Eastern News. Robyn actually gives me hope that not everybody Meehan’s age or younger is some mouth-breathing zombie-fuckwaste because she actually points out this is all about the justification of stupidity.
“When I see “YOLO” in a tweet, I know instantly that something unintelligent and cocky is going to follow,” she wrote. “There’s nothing wrong with taking risks in life and trying new things. I’m totally for that. But there’s a fine line between living your life to the fullest and making spur-of-the-moment, completely irrational decisions.”
Robyn, I love you, even though you live in Mattoon, Illinois, which inherently means you are either fat, generally unattractive, or carry your cell phone around in your bra (more on that later). I’ve actually been to Mattoon; I spent 20 years there one night. Mattoon is the kind of town where people get married at the Days Inn, then spend 30 years bitching about not getting enough hours at the dog food factory, all while drinking themselves to death 30 cans of Busch Light at a time.
Robyn, for you prescience, I hope you graduate and escape the greater Charleston-Mattoon metroplex and become the greatest alumni Eastern Illinois ever produced, which shouldn’t be hard considering you only have to beat out Tony Romo and Mike Shanahan…wait, all bets are off if Sean Payton gets to eventually drink beer out of Roger Goodell’s hollowed-out skull.
But, the most telling quote I found was this gem from alleged comedian Jack Black.
“I’m fairly certain ‘YOLO’ is just ‘Carpe Diem’ for stupid people.”
Anything…repeat ANYTHING…that allows a crap-sewer like Jack Black to sound intelligent has to be more unholy than the Devil ass-raping the Pope on a pile of freshly-clubbed baby seals.
2) Hats (including, but not limited to baseball caps)
If you ever needed proof that we are finished as a nation, just look at our heads. Americans can’t even wear hats properly. Not only do we wear stupid hats, we can’t even wear them in a way that doesn’t make us look like a bunch of booger-eating morons. I don’t think it is a coincidence that most of these hat-crimes are exemplified by that Canada-tard Justin Bieber. Bieber is simply Canada’s revenge on us for making a star out of the multi-talentless Alan Thicke.
- The Bieber Hat
Forget for the time being those stupid fake “LeBron Glasses.” Forget for the time being those glasses make me want to buy a ladder, climb it, and kick LeBron James in his double dribbles. This is about hats, and in this case, it is those stupid “chicken pot pie” lids Bieber has foisted on every stupid American kid. Whenever I see a kid wearing one of these hats, it makes me wish Jerry Sandusky wasn’t in prison so these hat-criminals could spend a weekend at his house so they would learn what happens to irresponsible hat-wearers.
- The Stocking Cap
There’s only three legitimate times to wear one of these:
- It’s snowing
- It’s below 35 degrees
- You just had a brain tumor removed and your head has stitches in it like a baseball
Wearing these under any other circumstances means you are either a bank robber, a prisoner, or soon will be.
- The Full Winter Hat
This is just stocking caps on steroids. Wearing these in public in anything other than a blizzard means you are a complete dipshit who has greasy hair and those big neck pimples.
- The Kangol Hat
Nothing positive can come from a hat that does the impossible. It makes Terry Bradshaw look dumber. It makes him look like a talking penis with a bullet-hole chin.
Baseball caps offer so much potential for hat-crime they require their own sub-section.
- The Flipped-Up Bill
There’s only two people who can pull off this look. Gomer Pyle when he was still a gas-pump jockey on the old Andy Griffith show and some 1950’s stereotype black guy named “Pappy.” Either way, the flipped-up bill is a great way to tell people you are a functionally illiterate mouth-breather with 13 toes.
- The “Alternate” Cap
I’m sorry, as much as I hate the Yankees, and as much as it would warm my heart to picture all Yankees fans in some sort of less-than-masculine color scheme, the Yankees do not wear pastels…well, at least not in public.
- The Sideways Cap
It’s bad enough when broke-ass black guys do this, because they don’t need any more reasons to look stupid. Standing in line at the check-cashing place with one of their baby-mommas knowing they’ve got an expired ID does that well enough. But when white guys do it, you really just want to ask them if they a) have a good cross-over dribble move, b) can’t hold a job for more than three weeks, or c) do they really think wearing their cap sideways will give them one of those giant, Mandingo cocks?
- The Backward Cap
Unless you are a catcher, turn your fucking cap around right now. It should be legal to walk up to anybody wearing a backward cap in public and slam out their teeth with a pipe wrench. Or, leave your cap on backwards and end up as this guy…
Its’ your choice. Wear your hat correctly, or go to jail, or worse yet, end up as a Bieb-o-phile.
This is a little bit hypocritical for me because before I wised up and shaved my head last year I had worn a baseball cap my whole life. However, when it comes to baseball caps, I’m not the catalyst of the problem here. The trouble lies in the fact that somewhere along the line we decided that it was okay for everybody to display their creativity by wearing their hat titled in a certain way, instead of finding something that they are actually good at. For the record I have no problem with baseball caps if they are worn properly. Of course, most of the time they aren’t being worn properly. I never thought I’d live to see the day where someone can screw up placing a cap on their own head but here we are, gasping for air that is currently being overused by the people wearing the YOLO shirts.
A baseball cap either is worn straight, facing forward on one’s head. Sometimes when that person is doing work where the bill might get in the way, it is considered acceptable to wear it backwards. These are the only two ways to wear a hat. There are no others. The youth of America has bastardized the wearing of baseball caps in almost every possible way. The “sideways tilt” is the one that bothers me most. In a world where you can get shot simply by going to see a movie about a fucking comic book character, you’d think that more people would be on alert for the repercussions of wearing their hat titled sideways when you think of the thousands of people who have lost their lives because of this. But hey, You Only Live Once, right?
Now, this does not stop with baseball caps. There are several other sad and pathetic pieces of headwear that have somehow made their way into popular culture.
- The Bucket Hat
Simply put, bucket hats are fucking stupid. The Bucket hat (or “fishing cap” as those who have something personal against buckets and don’t usually go fishing have been known to call it) is a loose fitting hat that pretty much falls off whenever you bend over to pick anything up, make any sudden movements, or think about placing a phone call or text message. You may also be familiar with the bucket hat because inside every Dave Matthews Band concert there is somebody with a booth set up selling these pieces of shit to college students who are on spring break all year and still haven’t discovered that wearing Birkenstocks look ridiculous. But then again if you read either of our websites on a regular basis, you’d better not be at a Dave Matthews Band concert in the first place.
Unless you’re a pro athlete, there’s no reason to wear a headband. I also want to note here that this includes anyone who might be trying to pose as an athlete. Let me give you an example here: When I was in grade school we had a semi-pro basketball team around here who had this “mascot” who we’ll just call “Crazy Steve” that would go around to all of the different schools and perform tricks such as spinning basketballs on his hands and toes. As with anything that wanders into a grade school, you knew there was a message that came with this guy and it was to keep us free of drugs and alcohol. The irony in this story is the dude turned out to be a huge cocaine addict and was probably wearing the headband in the first place to absorb all of the ether that was coming out of the sweat glands on his head. It certainly wasn’t because of his repeated practice of such suggested anaerobic activites.
Back to actual athletes. Like I said, if you’re an athlete I don’t really have a problem with this because the technical term for a headband is a sweatband and it’s supposed to be used for the purpose of keeping the sweat out of your eyes. But if that’s the case, why do certain athletes need them while others don’t? If Kobe Bryant and LeBron James play the same sport, you’d think that either they’d both wear a headband or neither of them would wear one. I don’t understand that and I never will.
- Cowboy Hats
Obviously there was a time where wearing a cowboy hat was not only fashionable but sensible because it kept the sun out of ranchers’ eyes. 2012 is not one of those times, and I have a pretty good feeling 2013 isn’t going to be a big one either. Honestly there are a trillion possible jokes that could come of this, but why bother? It’s not like anybody who wears a cowboy hat poses a serious threat to your lifestyle is it? (If it does, number four on our list would probably not be a good place to skip ahead to in this article).
You know what? I take that back…now would be a GREAT time to make fun of all of these “dudes.” For the purpose of this piece I actually went to a local shop that sold western clothing, and I have determined that they think it’s okay to dress like that, because in their world it’s still 1871. It’s very possible that they could have just forgotten to tell hillbillies about the concept of using a calendar, and now we have to still deal with people who think it’s cool to have boots with spurs on them. I had to leave the store after a couple of minutes because I couldn’t deal with it. I could have been a good citizen and told the clerk that women can now vote but that might not have gained me anything but dirty looks, even from her. And if I wasn’t going to make that commitment, you’ve probably already guessed that I didn’t even begin to discuss the whole “We have a black president now” thing. That could have easily led to me dying behind a woodshed on a farm somewhere.
- Anything with a Feather in it
I couldn’t careless what your gender and/or sexual orientation happens to be, there is never an excuse for wearing a feather in your cap. In the famous Revolutionary war song “Yankee Doodle”, our hero came riding into town “a riding on a pony” and when he got there he “stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni”. The fact that that guy probably owned slaves, was in the tertiary stage of syphillis, and was really fucking bad at naming things that fell off of birds should tell you just how outdated this practice is.
Even though I am a huge fan of Phil Mickelson, I can’t get behind the idea of a visor. Here is the problem with visors – if you bust the fabric ANYWHERE around the entire inscribed circle of the visor itself, there’s an 100% chance that whatever the hell is on the inside is made of is going to slowly cut its way into your skull to the sound of nobody feeling sorry for you at all. A visor is not a piece of clothing. Nothing that is a booby prize from a giveaway at a bank should ever be worn in public for any reason.
- Whatever the fuck you’d call what this guy is wearing
I don’t think I should need to explain why there’s no need for this.
3) “Cool Story Bro: Tell it Again” / “Cool Story Babe: Now Go Make Me a Sandwich” Shirts
Let’s start with the first one. To preface, if you ever hear me utter the word “bro” you have every right to stop what ever you are doing and kick me in the neck until it snaps. Then when that’s done you can put me in one of those sexy nurse costumes with a ball gag in my mouth, and dispose of the body by shoving a stick of high potency dynamite inside my asshole and lighting it. And I would deserve such a harsh penalty because there would be no excuse for my actions whatsoever.
I first saw this shirt on a young white male (notice a theme here?) and it had really obnoxious letters that appeared to be pink. Which is humorous, because pink is typically not what you think of when you think of getting tough on anybody. What the shirt is supposed mean is that the individual wearing the shirt wasn’t listening to whatever you were saying. This is fine by me, I really don’t give a shit. Anybody that would be wearing a phrase so insanely stupid is not in my target demographic. I write all of this stuff because I hope that people who might have a hold on where their life is going may read it and not only be entertained but also may think that they have similar ideas they’d like to get off their chest. I don’t write for people who wear cheesy taglines on their articles of clothing for all sorts of reasons, ranging from “They can’t read” to “You haven’t killed yourself yet?”
Now for the “Cool Story Babe: Now Go Make Me a Sandwich” half of this atrocity. If this isn’t the biggest precursor to domestic violence outside of NASCAR and Keystone Ice, I must be completely missing the point here. What’s the problem? Was the “Where’s my Dinner Bitch?” silkscreen broken that week so everyone just conveniently latched on to the PG version of that? How weak. and who’s to assume that I always want a sandwich? What if it’s a Friday and I’m craving pizza? Way to limit your options, douchebag. You were so hung up on your goddamned sandwich that while you were in the other room surfing the internet for neon shoelaces, your girlfriend packed up all of her shit and left you because she grew tired of your requests for preparing and serving you deli products. To make matters even worse, she’s going back to her ex-boyfriend who works at a sandwich shop. You feel awfully stupid now, don’t you?
Going out of your way to say that you weren’t listening to something is a lie in and of itself because you’re acknowledging that you heard whoever was talking to you but you were being a dick and not listening. Somebody that you call your friend was trying to tell you something that happened in their day and you were thinking about that Drake song instead of listening to what he was trying to share with you. And this is the time where he’s finally had enough of that happening, so now he isn’t going to be your friend anymore either. So you’re down a girlfriend and a friend as well, but the pain doesn’t stop there: That friend of yours is now going to an orgy that is being hosted by your ex-girlfriend and the sandwich guy, and he isn’t going to invite you. So you might wanna work on that note you’ll need to write to whoever cleans up the crime scene…”Sad story bro, tell my parents I’m sorry dog…”
This is another thing about which I had no idea, and for all of you who never bothered to tell me why this phrase existed, I offer the heartiest and most sincere of “Fuck Yous.” Seriously, knowing this existed would have saved my countless hours of my life, and possibly a couple of assault charges. Had I known I could have just said “Cool Story Bro” to somebody who just pissed away a non-returnable part of my life with some pointless “who-gives-a-fuck” story, then I wouldn’t have bashed in their faces with a coffee mug.
The roots of this are almost as nefarious as those of YOLO. The phrase “cool story” apparently got it’s pop-culture birth thanks to celluloid after-birth Owen Wilson in the 2001 film Zoolander. Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller…just typing that dropped my IQ forty points and made my colon twist like an over-used phone cord (for those of you little snot-nosed, dick-squeezers who remember phones with cords).
Worse yet, “Cool Story Bro” I’ve been told this bit of joy spread to real life through the MTV reality show Jersey Shore. Great. Like I need another reason to want to throat-fuck Snooki with a barbed-wire covered baseball bat. Now that I’ve heard that, the fact that I ever wanted to consider using that line probably means I have some sort of bronzer-based, nuclear-powered, flesh-eating herpes that springs from the oozing sores on my junk and turns into Mormons.
In fact, now I hate my life so much I don’t even give a shit about this anymore…I want to go medieval on Owen Wilson, Ben Stiller, and the cast of Jersey Shore. Not only do I want them dead, I want their entire families killed. I want anybody who ever sat next to them on a plane killed. I want anybody who even has the same names killed. And not just killed; I want their throats cut, I want them shot in the head 15 times while being burned alive, and all while they are being forced to watch re-runs of “Friends.” I want their house pets cooked and fed to the homeless. Then I want to get mean.
4) The Stupidity of Skinny Jeans and Baggy Pants
Here’s another tell on my age. I’m old enough to remember when a Big Mac could not be lifted out of its wrapper with one hand by an adult male. In my day, a Big Mac was something to behold; it was like the New Orleans Superdome covered with sesame seeds and stuffed with beef, those minced onions only McDonald’s can do, and an orgy of “special sauce” and wilted lettuce. It was a fucking gastronomic miracle, and even the most doomed bariatric case couldn’t gut two of them. But now, thanks to the corporate downsizing of everything, the Big Mac is just another fast-food pussy-burger which maintains its heart-clogging capabilities because the patties are anteater meat and the “special sauce” is made from aborted Guatemalan fetuses.
“Skinny Jeans” are the Big Mac of the clothing world. Whether its burgers or blue jeans, corporate executives in this country are increasingly cut from the “Snidely Whiplash” cloth; guys who are more interested in maximizing gross margin rather than providing a quality product. This is why you get a Big Mac that is now the size of a hockey puck and jeans made with half the fabric, but sold for a higher price because they’ve managed to con the consumer into believing that pants that turn your legs blue from lack of circulation are somehow “fashionable.” Not to mention, this is another area where Justin Bieber Bieb-fucked us; he helped to make skinny jeans a huge fashion nightmare.
Of course, there’s the other end of the spectrum…baggy pants. For some reason, wearing baggy pants became perfectly acceptable. For some reason, wearing baggy pants with your boxers sticking out of your waistband became perfectly acceptable. Frankly, I don’t have as big a problem with this as you might think. To be honest, is there a better way to tell who the stupid people are than ones who can’t even buy pants that fit? There’s no way you aren’t a complete dipshit if the waistband of your pants is below your ass and you have to continually hold your pants up with your hand.
The only problem I have with skinny guys bagging out is they make it harder for me to buy pants. I’m a big guy, and I need those 46-inch waist pants that were not intended to show off the boxers on some 150-pound zit-face.
Both skinny jeans and baggy pants have one thing in common: They offer up the possibility of me getting to know the genitals of a person that I wouldn’t even be able to speak to for fifteen seconds. Here again I can’t believe society has gotten so bad that I’m sitting here typing instructions on how to not where pants, but shit happens and remember you wanted to be a movie star and that never panned out did it?
Let’s begin with skinny jeans. How desperate do you have to be that you would ever want to wear pants that basically look like they are the only thing you got after you were kicked out of Trixter? This is the fault of a lot of these guys in “emo” bands with their pouty look – Their eyeshadow, the multicolored arm tattoos that are going to look like shit in twenty years, and their pants that are so tight you can almost smell their vaginas.
But it’s not just hipster toolbags and emo makeup monkeys that are wearing this stuff. I’ve seen people wearing skinny jeans in sports bars, and that’s just completely unacceptable and it comes down to two simple things: 1) If you’re wearing skinny jeans at a sportsbar, you’re asking for trouble and since you’re technically still a dude they can beat the shit out of you and feel no guilt at all. And, 2) There is a reason that most jerseys are loose fitting: Sports fans hate tight clothing. So in a room where everyone is there to watch the game, you’re probably going to want to get your iPhone with the app that allows you to control the jukebox and hightail it the fuck out of there before somebody hurts you. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.
Now let’s shift the focus to baggy jeans. I for one understand why someone would want to wear pants that are a little on the loose fitting side, but that’s not what we’re talking about here…I’m referring to the members of the younger generations that are usually white males (bet you didn’t see that shit coming) whose pants are around their knees so the rest of us can conveniently get to know their boxers. They also can be seen wearing hooded sweatshirts that will come in handy when they go to rob the KwikMart later this evening.
“Baggy” shouldn’t mean that you look homeless. There’s nothing wrong with loose fitting clothes but when you take it to the point where you are guilty of indecent exposure the entire time you’re going food shopping, things have gotten way out of hand. (Don’t you know there are kids here? There are tons of them – their parents are the YOLO people, I thought we covered this earlier…) If the crotch is in the same horizontal level as your socks, it’s time to head on over to Kohl’s and buy a goddamn belt. That way if you can’t figure out how to use it to hold your pants up, you can always use it to strangle yourself.
5) Women Who Keep Their Money/Cell Phones, et cetera in their Bra
At the risk of sounding a little gender biased, this one is all your doing ladies. Now, I’m sure there are transgendered individuals and guys who “haven’t paid for the surgery yet” that are just as guilty of this as you are, but this is mostly practiced by women. The main issue I have here is that this is simply unfair to all men, and I’ll explain why…
Let’s just say by comparison I went up to the counter at my local grocery store and set down my usual stockpile of milk and laxatives. After ringing up what’s somehow become almost 100% of my diet the clerk tells me my total, and I immediately stick my hand down my pants. I’d be in and out of jail so fast they wouldn’t even have time to tow my car. And don’t give me any of this shit about how keeping my wallet next to my balls is much different than you carrying your money in your over the shoulder boulder holder, I’m just not going to listen to that. You are required by law to cover up your breasts in public, and the government has the same rules regarding my scrotum. That’s all I need to know, and my point is neither one of us should store our valuables there.
I’ve heard all sorts of poorly constructed arguments defending this one, and the most common one is that there are some women who refuse to carry a purse because they are afraid that someone will steal it. My counter to that would be that a purse is the greatest weapon (that doesn’t say Smith & Wesson on the side of it) that has ever been devised to protect women from theft. Seriously think about it – There’s nothing tougher (or funnier) than beating some purse snatcher to death with your purse, and if the guy does make it there’s no way he’s going to ever be able to press charges against you no matter how badly you beat him up because no adult male is going to admit to being purse-whipped.
I’m aware that there is plenty of disgusting germs on money, but even with that being said I’d much rather have blow on my money than trailer trash tit sweat. Figure out another effective way to transport the things you need and stop rubbing your nipples everytime you head to the vending machine. There has to be an alternate method.
As a bonus comment, I’d also like to add here that if you’re over the age of nine you shouldn’t be allowed to carry money in your sock and/or shoe. I hate to be such a “traditionalist” about this, but good Lord guys can’t we just use the methods that are already in place? Why do we continue to do things that are so disgusting that even cavemen wouldn’t do them?
OK, so here’s my problem on this one. I’m a man, which means I don’t have tits or clothes that don’t have pockets, so I completely don’t understand this issue. Moreover, it seems that attractive women don’t have this problem either. I say that because every woman I’ve ever seen who is ready to pull something out of her bra has boobs that look like without the aforementioned bra they might resemble a giant bowl of cottage cheese filled with big, blue veins and dumped down a hill. I can’t imagine being one of those poor guys who works at the mall and getting handed a wad of damp cleavage cash that smells like chest-ass.
Really, how hard it is to buy clothes with pockets? Those fanny-pack things, as dorky as they may be, are better than looking like a hooker from a 1940’s movie. Women will tell you this is all about not having a choice, because there are times when they just don’t want to wear pockets, carry a bag, and yet still carry a cell phone. That gets about a 9.6 on the Bullshit-o-meter.
First of all, just where do you intend to keep your keys and your driver’s license? There aren’t many places you can go where you don’t need at least one of those items, and I don’t see you chicks stuffing a key ring in between your tits.
Not to mention, it’s not like they don’t have an alternative. I discovered something called the JoeyBra, a bra complete with a side pocket to store a cell phone and other necessities.
This means all you women are now on notice. If you keep stuffing crap in your cleavage, I will keep calling you a trashbag who makes trashbag decisions. You’ve got choices. Start making some smart ones.
6) Guys Who Wear Sport Coats With Jeans
Here’s another trend that only is seen in two types of guys; there’s the 45-year old limp-dick who thinks he’s being “hip” and/or “trendy” and the 23-year future limp-dicks who try to look like them. There’s a reason why the youngsters are trying to swipe this look; it’s because the old guys who do it are college professors or other creeper-types who fancy themselves attractive to the same kinds of women the 23-year-olds are after. So, if you see a guy wearing this outfit, he either wants to have sex with women half his age, or believes there is an advantage to mimicking the hunting patterns of a sexual predator. Either way, it spells douchebag.
Whenever I see this look, the first thing that pops in my head is “youth pastor.” Even if you’ve never been to church, I’m sure at some point you have overheard one of these guys talking to a future member of their youth group in a public place. “Oh so, you skateboard? That’s way cool. I read this book everyday about a dude who was so cool he died for the sins of the world. A dude named Jesus! He’s far out!”
Out of all of these, this one is closest to representing the individual who’s wearing it. It’s an out of touch, confused, busybody who can’t get his shit together. So he thinks he can wear both of these things without being mocked, and that’s simply not an option.
And how schizophrenic does your taste in clothing have to be to have one half of you dressed a certain way, and then the other half dressed another? “Well, I want people to see the suit and know I mean business but I also want them to be aware of my love for country music! Plus, I lost my cowboy hat a few days back, so…” (we would like to take a brief moment to let you know that if you ever see a guy in a cowboy hat wearing a sport coat with blue jeans, we here at EEP and Dubsism would like to encourage you to conveniently forget everything you know about your state’s laws when it comes to throwing furniture at people) If you’re gonna do a suit, do the whole suit. Wear a tie, and do the whole thing otherwise you look like a little bitch.
This bothers us because not only is it poor taste, it’s obviously someone who isn’t as hip as he used to be (that’s assuming he was ever hip in the first place, which is highly unlikely) going out of their way to re-establish their relevance. It’s never going to happen, and that whole thing I said in the intro about finding something you’re good at, strike that…There probably isn’t anything you’ll find during that search.
Conclusion by J-Dub:
19th Scottish satirist Thomas Carlyle once said “The first purpose of clothes… was not warmth or decency, but ornament…. Among wild people, we find tattooing and painting even prior to clothes. The first spiritual want of a barbarous man is decoration; as indeed we still see among the barbarous classes in civilized countries.”
Why am I quoting some long-dead Scotsman? Because he saw how utterly fucking stupid fashion could be even then, and just walk down any street in America and you will see this country needs some serious smartening up when it comes to the shit we wear.
In his introduction, Meehan makes it clear he has his way of dressing, and it suits whatever quirks he has. That means who knows who he is, and has managed to present himself to the world in such a manner to get accepted to a college, get a job, and generally not have any real reason for fucking up his life like he has. And whatever those reasons are, they don’t have shit to do with his clothes.
I’ve got a full, complete share of respect for that, not only because “boring” never goes out of style, but “boring” means stable. Airline pilot uniforms are “boring” for a reason. Nobody wants to get on a plane and see the pilot wearing a clown wig and Crocs. You’d swim out the toilet hole to get off that plane if you had to.
See, whether you like it or not, the clothes we wear are as much a form of communication as the shit we say. The very same people who would never dream of walking into a room full of people and shouting “completely disregard me as I’m a totally useless mouth-breathing dumbfuck” don’t realize they can do EXACTLY that simply by what they wear. I know, there’s those stupid self-serving ass-loafs out there who want me to believe that discriminating against people with tattoos is wrong, but that’s the same mentality that allows some of the shit we’ve just mentioned to happen.
If you think we are wrong, let me put it this way. Would you go to a doctor who wore a “YOLO” shirt? Would you trust your life savings to a financial planner who kept her cell phone in between her tits? There’s no fucking way you would, because at the end of the day, even the most self-absorbed dipshit on earth knows that image matters.
The worst part is that when you go out into the world looking like a full-on dilweed, you don’t even realize that it isn’t the fault of the winter hat you are wearing in 95 degree temperatures. It’s that the rest of the world knows anybody wearing a fur-lined hat in weather that could scorch the scrotum off a camel couldn’t even beat-off successfully without a 15-page instruction manual they couldn’t read anyway.
Let’s face it. Dressing yourself isn’t even that hard. It’s really about three simple rules:
- Clothes are to be clean with no holes.
- Hats are to be worn in the manner they were intended.
- Wear shit that fits, and that doesn’t make you look stupid.
Having said that, when you go to a job interview in baggy jeans and a sport coat that doesn’t fit, you can’t blame the hiring manager who won’t hire you, because you’ve just told him that you can’t handle the most basic of functions and that even something as menial as letting you run the french-fry machine at an Arby’s means you are likely to burn down the whole fucking store before your first cigarette break.
In other words, don’t get mad at us for thinking you are a dipshit. We are just following what you are telling us.
Oh, and contrary to what Meehan tells you, if you do happen to bump into me on the street, there’s no way I’m going to show you my dick…well, not for free anyway.
-J-Dub and Meehan