Today, we are going to learn how much pure sadism and hilarity can come from one sixteen-second video.
First of all, where does one find a school that would line up 9 boys heads down and their pre-pubescent taints exposed for prime soccer-ball damage? Not one of them seems to know what is coming; otherwise you might think they might put a hand or two over their little giblets.
Actually, that’s eight head down boys and one whose being a bit of a bitch. There’s always that one kid who just can’t play along, which is why he’s the one to keep your eye on in this clip.
Now comes the part that we can’t decide which is funnier…
The fact this girl wails a soccer ball full-on at these boys from about six feet away
The fact that she nails two taints, and still gets a full face shot out of the deal
The stance on the kid still standing really makes you want him to get nailed
The sad part is some Phys. Ed. teacher somewhere is probably going to lose their job over this, which is too bad, because then we will never know why thses boys got lined up against the wall.
It’s been a busy week here at the Dubsism offices. without going into great detail, the bottom line is we are a couple days behind a story we’ve been following all summer. In other words, America’s long national nightmare is over: The McCourt’s have finally reached a settlement in their divorce which kept the Los Angeles Dodgers in ownership limbo.
You read that correctly. The divorce which was baseball’s equivalent of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren now seems to have finally ended in a settlement last week. So, now we can get back the regular-scheduled business of heaping scorn and derision on the Dodgers…just as soon as we figure out who is going end up owning this team. Initial reports state Jamie McCourt as part of the deal relinquished any claim to the team.
Frank and Jamie McCourt have reached a divorce settlement under which she would get about $130 million and relinquish any claim to a share of the Dodgers, multiple people familiar with the agreement told The Times.
The settlement would remove Jamie McCourt as an obstacle to Frank McCourt’s plan to retain ownership of the team by selling the Dodgers’ television rights in U.S. Bankruptcy Court. The agreement also would appear to set up a winner-take-all court showdown for the Dodgers between Frank McCourt and Commissioner Bud Selig.
The key phrase in all of that is “winner-take-all court showdown.” While McCourt succeeds in wrestling claim to the Dodgers out of his ex-wife’s rat-like claws, he really is just setting himself up for more legal testicle-kicks.
Here’s the beauty of this…McCourt, having run the Dodgers into the financial crapper, manages to escape from what may very well be the costliest divorce in the history of the state of California history only to run right back into Osama Bud Selig’s buzz-saw.
Look at Frank McCourt’s situation now. Being rid of the ex-wife and any of her claims to the team is rumored to cost him about $130 milllion. The divorce itself racked up an additional $20.6 million in legal bills, and the pissing contest over whether the Dodgers were community property chalked up at least another $14 million.
By my finger-and-toe math, that is at a minimum additional $164.6 million down the drain. Why is that important? Because it adds to the total tab it is going to take to excise the butt-nugget known as Frank McCourt from baseball.
Here’s how this works…McCourt’s entire purpose for entering bankruptcy with the Dodgers into bankruptcy was to keep the team…he stated and acted like from Day One that he will give up the Dodgers when his cold, dead fingers are pried from the team. Part of that bankruptcy deal was the court ordered major league baseball to provide a $150 million loans for operating capital.
Now, two things have happened that will kill the viability of that arrangement. First, there is the aformentioned divorce settlement. Not only does it bring up the additional liabilities, it adds the complication that nobody seems to know if the Bankruptcy Court would allow McCourt to use money from any television deal to satisfy a divorce settlement. Bud Selig wouldn’t allow that, which is one of the main reasons he killed McCourt’s multi-billion deal television with Fox.
The McCourts had reached a tentative divorce settlement in June 17, but that agreement was contingent upon the approval of the proposed television contract between the Dodgers and Fox. Selig would not allow the use of funds from a Dodger telelvision to fund McCourt’s divorce; almost half of an immediate $385-million payment from Fox would have been diverted from the Dodgers to satisfying the divorce settlement.
That’s nut-kick number one.
If only McCourt knew how to shut up.
Then there is the issue of the Dodgers’ debt load and tax liability having increased to the point where repaying the $150 million loan assumed as part of the bankruptcy funding and meeting those liabilities could wipe out much — if not all — of whatever profit he would make if he is ordered to sell the team.
That’s nut-kick number two.
While it has been McCourts intention to keep the Dodgers, Bud Selig has asked the Bankruptcy Court to order the Dodgers sold. Now with his ex-wife out of the picture, there is really only one way McCourt can avoid being forced into a sale. First, he needs the Bankruptcy Court to deny Selig’s request. Then, he needs the same court to grant an auction of the Dodgers’ television rights, a move that would be legally opposed by both Selig and Fox Sports. After all that, he still needs to come up with $130 million free and clear of any Dodger money to keep the ex-wife from returning to the picture.
That’s nut-kick number three.
Even you have to know the rules, Frank…three nut-kicks and you’re out.
With such a full weekend of college and NFL action, let’s just cut to the chase…
1) We still don’t know if Notre Dame is any good
Every year, Notre Dame gets over-rated, and every year, they prove that by the time they get to Purdue. This year, they’ve done nothing but send a mixed message; lost to South Florida and Michigan, and now have won three straight. but honestly, those wins are over mediocre Michigan State and Pittsburgh, and most recently against West Lafayette Junior High Purdue. It doesn’t get any better since the Irish start their usual parade of service academies with Air Force this week.
2) Speaking of Purdue…
Yeah, I know Giant Drum A&M gets picked on every once in a while here, but they might get more respect if they quit doing things like this.
3) As long as we are in Indiana…
Memorial services for any hope of the Colts having a watchable season will be held Thursday at noon at Lucas Oil Field. When the most glowing reviews of Colts quarterback Curtis Painter are “not completely horrible,” it’s going to be a long season in Indianapolis.
4) The Detroit Lions – The Anti-Colts
Let’s face facts, this team has more upside that in all its previous 50 years combined. The Lions boast an emerging star at quarterback, a dominant weapon in Calvin Johnson, and a defense that is vastly improved, which is why they are the first team in NFL history to make two straight comebacks from 20+ points behind.
5) When is a fumble not a fumble, part III
First, there was the Rob Lytle “fumble” in the 1977 AFC Championship Game, then there was the infamous Tom Brady ”Tuck” rule from 2001, now there’s Victor Cruz fiasco this past weekend. Now I know why there is no coincidence between why Ed Hochuli is the best referee in the NFL and he just so happens to be an attorney; you need a law degree to even understand half the rules in the NFL anymore. Note to the Rules Committee…it is time to start simplifying.
6) Illinois – Your Cup-Check University
If picture is worth a thousand words, you would think an animated GIF would be worth more, yet this one is only worth two…
7) As The Romo Turns
With all the ups and downs, one would think you would find the “Romo-Coaster” at Six Flags over Texas rather than Cowboys Stadium. Week 1, he’s a choke-artist. Weeks 2 and 3, he showed “a rare brand of guts and leadership.” Now, he sucks again. Even ESPN doens’t know what to do with him.
There’s the “pro” side, as evidenced by Eric Mangini.
“But ex-Jets coach Eric Mangini said a couple of Romo’s picks against the Lions were not his fault. The gutsy Romo has also led the Cowboys to two victories this season despite playing with injured ribs.”
“Really, you saw the best of Tony Romo in a brilliant first half as he pushed Dallas to a 20-3 lead that swelled to 27-3 after the Cowboys took the second-half kickoff and drove for a touchdown. Then we witnessed the worst of Romo. He threw three second-half interceptions — two were absolutely awful decisions — providing the catalyst for Detroit’s comeback.”
After all the hand-wringing and gnashing of teeth, NBC’s Bob Costas probably has the best observation…
“Here’s a guy who see-saws between hero’s laurels and goat horns, seemingly game to game. And today, it was half to half. Romo had three TD throws in the first 33 minutes against the undefeated Lions, but then, three picks – two of them returned for touchdowns,” said Costas.”This has been the pattern of Romo’s season, and, as it’s shaping up, his career. At any moment he is apt to rescue his team with feats of daring do, often showing the presence of mind to improvise his way out of one crisis after another. And then, the next week, or maybe the next moment, he’ll turn in a performance or make a decision that sends Cowboys fans to the ledge.”
After all, good Romo or bad Romo doesn’t matter…Cowboys’ fans ripping their collective hair out is what’s important.
8 ) By The Way, Romo’s Not The Only Thing Wrong in Dallas
Remember that crap Rob Ryan was spouting about how Detroit’s Calvin Johnson would “be the third’ best receiver on the team” if he played for the Cowboys. Who else took comfort in watching Johnson pack that bilge firmly in Ryan’s “Head and Shoulders commercial wannabe ass? Did anybody else notice the part where Ryan’ s “vaunted” defense had 12 guys on the field and STILL didn’t double-cover Calvin Johnson?
What has two thumbs, Lynyrd Skynyrd-hair, and a football in his ass from Calvin Johnson? THIS GUY!!!
9) As long as we are in Dallas…
Remember last year when Jason Garrett became the poster-child for uptight, straight-laced white guys everywhere when he was the guy who saved the Cowboys? Remember how this was all supposedly due to Garrett’s being a “disciplinarian?”
So, can somebody explain to me why this Cowboy team looks as undisciplined as ever? Seriously, this team can’t even manage it’s own snap count, half the roster looks like they don’t even know the playbook, and nobody is calling out Howdy Doody Jason Garrett, the supposed Princeton Prince of Discipline.
Forget Jason Garrett...It was Mrs. Garrett who knew how to keep the girls in line.
10) Oh, and before I forget about the other Ryan brother…
Rex, you are one of my favorite guys in all of sports, but…
It’s “put up or shut up” time. I’ve watched your teams gag two straight AFC Championship games, and now your team is looking suspiciously over-rated. Start winning games you are supposed to win so I don’t have to start bashing you.
11) Speaking of “Time To Prove My Love” – The All-Pennsylvania Edition
The Eagles have managed in four short game to go from “The Dream Team” to “The Nightmare Team.” Two reasons – the hardest hit the offensive line has made all season was on their own quarterback, and in the immortal words of Jets’ linebacker Bart Scott, the defense “couldn’t stop a nosebleed.”
But the award for the worst offense in the Keystone State goes to Penn State. Don’t get me wrong, as a Nittany Lion fan, I’ve seen some Joe Paterno offenses that literally dated from the Paleozoic era, but this is the worst I’ve seen under the Galen Hall/Offensive Coordinator regime. With all due respect, GET RID OF THAT GODDAMN TWO QUARTERBACK SYSTEM!!!! I get they both suck, but pick one, shoot the other in the head and let’s move on.
12) Cam Newton Is Now A Poster Child
There’s new mentality in the football world…throwing the football is Nirvana, outcomes be damned. Cam Newton exemplifies this. The world is singing his praises as a young quarterback because in four games he has nearly 1,400 passing yard and 5 touchdowns.
But he also has 5 interceptions and more importantly, only one win as a starting quarterback. This makes him a stud in fantasy football, but not so much in the real game. But, for some reason, we let the fantasy mentality rule the day.
If you doubt that, look at it this way. This past weekend saw 11 quarterbacks post 300 passing yards, but only 4 of them won their games. In contrast, the running game (which has been relegated to the NFL scrap heap) saw 8 running backs rack up 100 rushing yards , and 5 of them played on winning teams.
13) The Dubsism Simplified College Football Top 25
A few days ago, San Francisco Giants reliever Jeremy Affeldt had his season end after he sustained a deep cut in his right hand while using a knife to separate frozen hamburger patties. The injury required surgery to repair nerve damage in the little finger of his non-throwing hand. While I’m not intending to poke fun at the suffering of others, it does put me in mind of some of the dumbest ways major-leaguers have incapacitated themselves. Here is a selection of my personal favorites.
10) Tarps are not Cardinal-friendly
Coleman was doing his usual pre-game warm-up routine before Game 4 of the 1985 NLCS when he did not notice the automatic tarp had been deployed. As he didn’t see the giant roll of tarp rolling toward him, it rolled over him, breaking a bone in his leg and rendering him unavailable for the rest of the playoffs.
9) If only he had been named Parker Brothers…
It’s no secret Bradley has been the walking definition of anger-management issues, which is the major reason he also defines clubhouse cancer. As such, he has absolutely no ability to control his temper. Once, while in full tantrum while a s a member of the Padres, he was so out of control he blew out his ACL while being restrained by his own manager. Perhaps if his parents hadn’t named him after a maker of board games…
8 ) Maybe pitchers shouldn’t be allowed near sharp objects
If Jeremy Affeldt’s aforementioned kitchen escapades weren’t enough, consider the Padres’ Adam Eaton, who nearly committed hara-kiri with a paring knife while trying to cut the plastic wrapper off a DVD case.
7) Maybe pitchers shouldn’t be allowed near sharp objects, Part II
In the early 90′s the Phillies had a trio of tubby moundsmen; David West, Bobby Munoz, and Jeff Juden. However, Juden is the most memorable for purposes of this list for the time he was sidelined due to an infected tattoo.
6) Maybe pitchers simply need keepers
Tigers’ fireballer Joel Zumaya is no stranger to the disabled list, but the one that earns him a place on this list also is likely to happen again. Zumaya managed to exit himself from the 2006 playoffs by playing Guitar Hero. Guys, we can’t stress this enough, video games are dangerous. Forget about those first-person shooters, Guitar Hero can take your ass out by giving your tendinitis in your forearm when you become obsessed with how many Metallica songs you can play on “expert. ” Just ask Zumaya. Besides, how long will it be before we hear about a guy taking himself out with Wii Bowling?
5) Maybe pitchers just shouldn’t be allowed to touch anything
While the details are sketchy as to exactly how it happened, Florida Marlins reliever Ricky Bones strained his back to the point of landing on the disabled list either by simple watching television in the clubhouse or by changing the channel. Those remotes can be heavy.
4) Lift and Separate
To a baseball player, the protective cup is a potentially life-saving piece of equipment. Taking a shot to the nether regions is a universally grimacing moment amongst the males of the species; one that it made all the worse when that which is supposed to protect becomes the punisher.
Of all the balls Ken Griffey, Jr. hit in his career, none had the impact of his own when they were pinched by his cup during a game. The resultant swelling left him unable to play. It hurts just thinking about it.
3) Nightmare on Skydome Street
Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Glenallen Hill had a crushing fear of spiders. While Little Miss Muffet would just sit on her tuffet, Hill would have nightmares so bad that one night he lept straight out of bed, bounced off a wall, had a rough-an-tumble adventure with a flight of stairs, and ended up with an injured leg, various cuts, scrapes, and rugburns.
2) Employees Must Wash Hands
If you are cooking, be it for yourself or for others, the importance of hand-washing can’t be understated. It’s not just the transfer of disease one needs to worry about, it is that you can get things on your hands which may cause serious problems when they come in contact with sensitive body parts.
Enter Florida Marlins outfielder Bret Barberie. It seems he was making nachos and forgot to wash his hands after cutting some chili peppers. He failed to wash his hands, then went to insert his contact lenses. The effect of directly placing the pepper oil on the surface of his eye was like a mace-job on steroids. He burned his eye, ripped his contact lens, and earned baseball immortality.
1) Cordova Over Easy
The Marty Cordova monument in St. Paul
Here’s another cooking-related injury, but rather than the food being fried, it is the player who wound up as griddle grist.
While one might think baseball players would get enough sun during the season, Marty Cordova did not agree. So he oiled himself up and crawled into a tanning bed. He then fell asleep and so badly burnt his face he was under doctor’s orders to avoid all direct sunlight.
If there was a player today most like Clark, it would be Adrian Beltre, meaning he really knew how to turn it on during his contract years, not that he knew how to get hit in the junk.
Clark started out with the Giants, before moving on to the Cardinals. then he inked a big deal with the Yankees. The year before he signed with the Cardinals, he posted a .320 batting average with the Giants in only 57 games. If his season was not cut short, he would have done some serious damage. Before cashing in with the Yankees, he had a fantastic season, hitting .286 with 35 HR and 106 RBI. However, it was all downhill from there; Clark hit .242 with the Yankees and never could recreate his glory days.
34) Wally Joyner
While there isn’t really a stat for this, I always referred to Joyner as “Mr. Meaningless.” Of his 204 career home runs, It seemed like about 150 them came when it totally didn’t matter. Looking for a big Wally Joyner home run? Tune in for the 8th inning of a 9-1 ball game. Joyner is also the classic example of a guy who first seasons were the best, and he lived on reputation after that. In his rookie year, Joyner hits 21 homers and drives in 100 runs; his second season is his biggest, he smacks 34 taters and knocks in 117. But in the remaining 14 years of his career, he only ever hits 20 home runs once and never again drives in 100.
33) Steve Sax
Sax, shown here completing a throw to 1st Base via Row F.
Three words summate his career – “Steve Sax Syndrome.” When you get a syndrome with your name on it, you have reached a select rung of baseball infamy. Sax inexplicably became incapable of making routine throws to first base in 1983, committing 30 errors that season. This is when the term was coined, it being a the fielder’s variant of “Steve Blass disease,” named after the Pirates pitcher who suffered a similar breakdown of basic mechanics. As his accuracy suffered, fans sitting behind the first base dugout began wearing batting helmets. Even before his syndrome days, and after for that matter, he was never a premier defensive 2nd baseman.
32) Barry Zito
Zito is the poster child for inflated salaries for deflated performance. Since he signed the seven-year, $126 million deal with the Giants in 2007, he has never won more than 11 games in a season, he’s never had a winning percentage above .500, he’s never pitched 200 innings, never had an ERA under4.00, and never had a WHIP under 1.3. In fact since his Cy Young season in 2002 (23-5, 2.75 ERA), Zito has a higher ERA than Carl Pavano, a worse strikeout to walk ratio than Paul Maholm, and a higher WHIP than Ted Lilly.
31) Carlos Lee
Speaking of overpaid based on performance, Lee’s numbers from last year: .246 BA, 24 HR, 89 RBI, 67 R, 3 SB. Would you pay this guy $17 million per year? If you would, then you should work for the Houston Astros.
30) Graig Nettles
Graig Nettles was a sure-handed third baseman. If a ball was hit within 20 feet of him, Yankee fans knew that Nettles would be able to make the play. He will always be remembered for his ability to charge balls and make off-balance throws and for his post-season heroics. Other than that, Graig Nettles was average at best. Nettles had a knack for hitting when the games mattered the most. That is what made him a fan favorite in New York.
29) Carl Crawford
Now that he wear a Red Sox uniform, Crawford’s luster is onmly going to become more over-stated. The “All-Star” leadoff man has a career on-base percentage of only .331 and he’s only topped 100 runs twice. those numbers are a bit light for a supposed “table setter.” Some idiots like to compare Crawford to Rickey Henderson, which is ludicrous considering Henderson had a .401 career OBP and topped 100 runs five times in his first six full seasons.
28) Lou Boudreau
If you think Orlando Cabrera is a Hall-of-Famer, you must be a Lou Boudreau fan. Statisically, Boudreau and Cabrera are indistinguishable, and Cabrera doesn’t belong in any Hall of Fame.
27) Bruce Sutter
I have a problem with relievers; I honestly think closer may be the single position in all of sports whose value has been so grossly inflated that it has almost no meaning. Nothing proves this more than Willie Hernandez winning both the Cy Young and the MVP in 1984, and Dennis Eckersley winning both those awards in 1992 and neither Hernandez or Eckersley pitched more than 95 innings in those seasons.
It is that inflation in value that allowed the floodgates of relievers into the Hall of Fame. After the floodgates opened on letting relievers in, Sutter was inducted. I’m even willing to let you have the “great closers,” like Rollie Fingers, Goose Gossage, and from this generation, Mariano Rivera and maybe Trevor Hoffman. Of course, this means you have to define great ones, which means I have to point out Lee Smith has 178 more career saves than Sutter and isn’t in Cooperstown.
26) Jose Canseco
We’re not even going to mention the word “steroids.” I always knew Canseco was overrated; the majority of his thump as a “great” player comes from his being the first 40 HR/40 Stolen Base player. While in a 17-year career he drives in more than 90 runs 8 times, for a power/speed combo platter he only scores more than 90 runs 3 times. This is largely due to his mediocre career batting average of .266, with an also blase on .353. Then there’s that whole “home run that bounced off his freaking head” issue.
25) Jorge Posada
Posada has been overrated both offensively and defensively. For someone who is allegedly a “great hitting catcher,” his career average for a season is a scant 15 HR and 60 RBI career average is middle of the road. He has only ever hit 30 HR or 100 RBI once in his 17 year career. Defensively, in 2006, he threw out 37 percent of potential runners, which was a career high. Over the course of his career, he has only had a 27 percent success rate in throwing players out.
24) Kirk Gibson
Kirk Gibson has been immortalized due to his World Series heroics for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1988. That one-legged homer in Game 1 against the A’s has defined his mediocre career, a career in which Gibson:
Never hit 30 Home Runs in season.
Never drove in more than 100 runs.
Scored in 100 runs in a season only once.
Stole more than 30 bases only once.
23) Bernie Williams
The meaningful part of Williams’ career happened in October; his 80 RBI and 51 extra-base hits both stand as postseason records. However, he may have been one of the weakest-armed outfielders in the modern history of the game. He needed a cut-off man to play catch.
22) Alfonso Soriano
“Mr. Clutch,” Soriano struck out 11 times in 30 at-bats during the 2003 ALCS. Once he signed the huge contract in 2004, he has been a massive financial black hole. His batting average, RBI, and stolen base totals have continued to slide throughout the years. He may personify the usual terrible Cubs-type personnel decision.
21) Chuck Finley
Chuck Finley was once known as a Yankee killer…and then Tawny Kitaen beat the shit out of him. That’s right, the model/actress/basket case did one thing the Yankees couldn’t; hit Chuck Finley. A look at his stats is all you need. In 1996, he went 4-0 with a 0.57 ERA in 31.1 innings. In 1998, in 20 innings, he posted an ERA of 1.80. From 1999-2000, in 27.2 innings, Finley had an ERA of 1.31 against the Bronx Bombers. Otherwise, Finley only had three seasons that were worth noting. From 1989-1991, he went 48-27 with a 2.92 ERA. In comparison during his Yankee-killing years, he only went 54-47.
20) Derek Jeter
Jeter has been far and away the most overrated player in the Major Leagues during his career. You know why? Because he plays in New York. Jeter always gets hyped because of his defense, but that is usually because he makes one highlight-reel play for every twenty balls he boots.
19) Denny McClain
In 1968 and 1969, McLain went 31-6 and 24-9, respectively. He won the Cy Young and MVP during his incredible 1968 season. Other than those two years, McLain was far from stellar. If you remove those two years from his career, he finishes with a career record of 76-76, and his ERA balloons to over 4.00.
18) Dave Stewart
Dave Stewart was dominant for only a short stint. Stewart won 20-plus games in four straight years from 1987-1990. He was average at best throughout the rest of his career. After 1990, he didn’t win more than 12 games, and his ERA was under 4.00 only once over the next five seasons.
17) Don Drysdale
While his earned run average was 2.95, Drysdale’s numbers are far from dominant. He only had two years where he won more than 20 games. He also only had two full seasons where he lost fewer than 10 games. His win percentage was .526, but he played for a team which hadthe best win-percentage in the National League during his tenure.
16) Nomar Garciaparra
From 1997-2000, Nomar Garciaparra held the title as the best shortstop in the majors, based largely on his .357 and .372 seasons in 1999 and 2000. But his career went downhill after that. Garciaparra was never the same.; the rest of his career was ravaged by injuries.
15) Rabbit Maranville
We’ve all heard it…“Why can’t (insert player here) get in the Hall of Fame, if Rabbit Maranville can?” Maranville seems to be the standard-bearer for this cause as he is arguably the weakest Hall-of-Famer who wasn’t a Yankee (see Phil Rizzuto). Granted, he was a solid defensive shortstop, but baseball has been full of those, and a lot who hit better than .258 lifetime.
14) Rube Waddell
Today, Waddell would either be “eccentric” or tested for metal retardation. He had the metal acuity of a child; he could be distracted by puppies and by the sound of firetrucks. Imagine what airplanes would do to him? The reality is Waddell only won 197 games and drank himself out of the league.
13) Pete Rose
Probably the only time Rose hit for power.
He’s got the most hits in baseball history, but that doesn’t make him the greatest hitter in baseball history. His hits record is greatly overplayed; he couldn’t carry Ty Cobb’s jock when it came to hitting:
Rose: batting average .303; on-base percentage .375; slugging percentage .409, career high of 82 RBI, 198 career stolen bases
Cobb: batting average .366; on-base percentage .433; slugging percentage .512, seven seasons of 100 or more RBI, 892 career stolen bases
12) Sandy Koufax
In my mind, Sandy Koufax’s career stacks up comparably to Dave Stewart. He is largely terrible at the beginning of his 12-year career; he only has an ERA under three in 5 of those seasons, wins 20 games in only three of those seasons, which is as many seasons as he loses more than 10 games.
11) Reggie Jackson
For a guy who was supposed to crush the baseball, he was only a .262 career hitter with .490 slugging percentage. He only ever scored over 100 runs once, and only struck out less than 100 times twice. Oh, but wait…I forgot it all gets magnified if you do it in October as a Yankee.
10) Phil Rizzuto
Let’s be honest; the only reason Rizzuto is in the Hall of Fame is because he was a Yankee. This is why Rizzuto is the worst player in the Hall of Fame.
Another solid defender with no bat, Rizzuto was a .273 hitter with 38 career home runs, a .351 on-base percentage, and never a stolen base threat. Other than he was a Yankee, what about that screams Cooperstown?
9) Don Mattingly
Its no accident this list is heavy on Yankees. “Donnie Baseball” was the one of the premier American League first basemen for the back big chunk of the 1980′s. From 1984-1989 he hit for average and hit for power. He was the cornerstone of a the Yankee team. After 1989, Mattingly didn’t hit over .300 again until 1994, but his season was limited to 97 games.
8 ) Steve Garvey
Garvey, shown here with two of his estimated 4,000 illegitmate children.
I won’t even get into his “Mr. Clean” image which dissappeared when he got caught impregnating half the female population of Southern California. Rather, lets’ talk about a guy who was converted from a third basemen who couldn’t throw into a first baseman who was a “great clutch hitter.” Granted, he did retire with National League Championship Series NLCS career records for home runs (8) and RBI (24) and was named LCS MVP in both 1978 and 1984. Of course, this fails to mention his anemic World Series performances, where in 28 career WS games he drove in a paltry six runs.
7) Don Sutton
Sutton owes all of his career number to one factor: longevity. The only reason he racked up 324-256 record and over 3500 strikeouts was the fact he pitched 23 seasons in the major leagues.
In all that time, Sutton only won 20 games only once and “Garvey-ed” come World Series time, where he went 2-3 with a 5.26 ERA.
6) Dizzy Dean
See Rube Waddell and Sandy Koufax – in the Waddell piece, replace the phrase “197 wins” with “150 wins;” in the Koufax bit, replace the word “begininng” with “end” and you basically have all you need to know about Dean.
5) Brooks Robinson
If Reggie Jackson was tagged as being a one-dimensional player as a slugger, Robinson needed to wear such a tag as a fielder. The only skill Brooks Robinson had was as a fielder. Robinson was a career .267 hitter, bolstered by the anomaly of 1964 in which he hit .317.
4) Tony Gwynn
Gwynn was often considered the best pure hitter of his era. He is tied with Honus Wagner with eight batting titles. But unlike Gwynn, Wagner was never a fat guy who hit a lot of useless singles so he could be the front end of a lot of double plays.
3) Wade Boggs
Boggs could be just like Tony Gwynn with three major differences. Boggs could field at third base, Boggs actually hit 20 homers in a season once, and Boggs was just slow, not fat and slow.
2) Lou Brock
Other than the fact Brock could steal bases at a blistering rate, his career is largely unremarkable. Yeah, I get that he passed 3,000 hits, but clearly the longevity in his 19-year career aided that (it only takes 158 hits per year to do it over 19 years). Otherwise, Brock was an average outfielder who lacked power.
If you haven’t guessed by now, this blog is less about which teams I love; it’s more about why your team sucks. Granted, I’m certainly not alone when it comes to a hatred of the New York Yankees. But I had a special sort of bile-spewing, eyeball-popping rage for Hideki Matsui.
If I ever needed to see an RBI double into the gap or a clutch two-run homer, all I needed to do was wait for a Matsui at-bat against the Twins or Angels. He routinely stomped their pitching staffs and wore their entrails as a trophy. And let’s not forget his single-handed destruction of the Philles in Game 6 last year. I quit counting after his fifth RBI. It really seems sometimes the only thing that can stop Matsui is being strafed by the Japanese air force.
Another great moment in the history of schadenfreude.
For some reason, the Angels have a knack for bringing in guys that drove me absolutely batshit crazy. I managed to get over Mike Scioscia’s days behind the plate in Dodger blue. I got over Bobby Abreu coming from the Bronx evil empire to Orange County. Now, I have to get over it with Hideki Matsui.
December 16th, 2009: A date that will live in infamy.
The fact he already has three homers and is hitting .370 still hasn’t gotten me used to seeing Matsui in Angel red. I’m sure I’ll deal with it eventually; I’m not one of those war veterans who took his hatred of the enemy to the grave. The fact I’ve already seen him continue his Twin killing ways doesn’t really help, but 30 dingers and 100 RBI for the Angels certainly would.
No matter what the NCAA does with the basketball tournament, this will always be the time of year where I break out my George Mason sweatshirt. Thanks to the miracle tournament run a few years back, this is the time of year we are reminded the name “George Mason” is synonymous with “lowest seed to make the Final Four.”
Whenever I hear that, it makes me wonder what has become of the stars of that team. Jai Lewis, the 6′ 7″, 300-pound mass of muscle that controlled the paint for the Patriots abandoned his attempt to become an NFL player and is now playing basketball in the Phillipines. Folarin Campbell also found foreign shores, hitting the hardcourt for an Italian team. Sports Illustrated cover man Lamar Butler is playing the point in the D-League. And Tony Skinn still destroys scrotums everywhere he goes.
Does a 10-pound bag of flour make a really big biscuit? He certainly seems to be as today’s installment shows Joe at a flag football game paying homage to Hans Moleman and his epic “Man Getting Hit by Football.”
You really have to feel bad for the victim. It’s bad enough he is the one so shitty at even the most-watered down version of football he gets stuck with camera duty. For his gallant lens service, the Ravens’ quarterback gives him a pointed leather dick-punch from 15 yards away.
Now, if Derrick Mason could just grow hands out of his jock…