Tag Archives: Green Bay Packers

What We Learned From Week One of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Ryan Meehan

Without any further fanfare, let’s just get to the stuff week one of the NFL season showed us.

1) Peyton Manning’s performance hid the fact the Broncos’ defense sucks.

If Thursday night taught us anything, it’s that the Broncos are indeed going to struggle on the defensive side of the ball.  By “struggle,” we’re talking something akin to a turtle on its back getting gang-raped by a group of Hell’s Angels all to an all Kenny G soundtrack. If you consider all of the mistakes that Baltimore made offensively, the fact that Denver gave up 27 points is pretty pathetic.  Ray Rice is a pretty solid “yards after contact” guy, but against the Ponies defense, he got more second chances than Robert Downey Jr.

Not to mention, we aren’t even counting the mistake made on the interception return that by all that is right in the football universe should have resulted in yet another Broncos’ touchdown. This is where Danny Trevathan had a “Honey Badger meets DeSean Jackson” level brain-fart. After making the pick, and cruising to what should have been the “pick-six” part of this, he inexplicably released the ball before he crossed the goal line in a momentary lapse of judgment reminiscent of a young DeSean Jackson.  As you would hope, Denver defensive coordinator Jack Del Rio ripped Trevathan’s ass open like he was Edward Norton in the prison shower scene in American History X, because Denver can’t expect Grandpa Manning to chuck 7 touchdowns every week.

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The 2012 Dubsy Awards

heisman guy

Every January since this blog was created, we here at Dubsism have given an award for achievements during the previous year in some under-recognized categories in the world of sports. In prior years, the nominations for the awards were done exclusively by an internal committee. This was the first year we allowed nominations from the general public.

Between our committee and our valued readers, we had more quality nominations than we could ever possibly use.  Thank you so much for that. When we received an outstanding nomination that proved to be a winner, we made sure to recognize those who submitted it. However, we did also receive nominations on multiple ballots that proved to be winners. If you see a winner that you nominated, and you weren’t credited, just know that you weren’t the only one who had the same idea.

With that, and after careful consideration, here are the winners of the 2012 Dubsy awards.

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The Dubsism Breakdown of the SB Nation Breakdown of the Seahawk-Packer “Hail Mary” Call for Packer Haters and Those Who Really Think This Is The Fault Of Replacement Referees

OK,  by now have seen what happened on Monday night. ESPN has “Zapruder Film“-ed this thing to death, and we are left with two conclusions. There’s those who saw the Packers get flat-out robbed, and there’s those who want Kommissar Goodell and his “Warren Commission” who would like you to believe the replacement referees didn’t egregiously blow that call.

There’s two problems with that latter theory. First of all, it completely ignores at three rules of the NFL.  Secondly, it lends itself to a set of ridiculous conspiracy theories, the leading one being advanced by those who hate the Green Bay Packers which is some sort of contrivance stating the NFL wanted the Packers to lose that game in order to make them victims, so the NFL could a) use that game to get out of this replace referee fiasco and b) use that victim status to help make the Packers the league’s most popular team.

The folks over at SB Nation did a breakdown of the controversial play in question, and subsequent to that, we here at Dubsism did our own review keeping those two alternate views in mind.

  • The SB Nation Take:

The replacement referees appeared to botch this call from start to finish, and if you’re banging your head on the desk for the regular refs to comeback then this is the best possible outcome you could’ve wished for. Apologies to those at Acme Packing Company who are feeling about as low as you can feel as a football fan right now, but we needed a massive replacement ref screw-up on the biggest stage — that’s you, Monday Night Football — to shine the spotlight on the NFL’s lockout of the referees.

It’s time to end it, Roger Goodell. Bring the regular refs back. You can’t possibly look at this play and come to any other conclusion than the referees got it wrong. Even if you watch the same thing I watch and come to a different conclusion, then you have to wonder why the replacement referees screwed up their mechanics on the biggest play of one of the biggest games.

They can’t handle the pressure. This game made it obvious (as if it wasn’t before).

Let’s take a look-see at why the NFL and the replacement referees are feeling the heat…


The Seahawks had one final play at the 24-yard line, which is far enough back from the end zone that it’s Hail Mary time. Teams have all different kinds of different versions of a Hail Mary, but at the end of the day you’re throwing it up there and hoping for a prayer.


Russell Wilson had fine protection. He had more than enough time to move around in the pocket and allow his receivers to get set up in the end zone. He releases the ball right at the 39-yard line and it lands near the back of the end zone so this pass was somewhere around 46 or 47 yards in the air.

  • The Conspiracy Theorists Believe:

At the point it became clear the Seahawks had a chance to win this game, the referees were instructed to call everything they could in favor of the Seahawks.

  • The Dubsism Take:

Organizing a conspiracy between Goodell and the replacement referees would be impossible, if for no other reason you have to able to consistently know how to make correct calls in order to be counted on to “fix” them.


  • The SB Nation Take:

This is how it all looks with the bail in the air. The Packer to focus on is M.D. Jennings (43) while it’s Tate for the Seahawks.

  • The Dubsism Take:

Actually, the Packer to look at in this frame is the guy (Packer Sam Shields #37) in front of Tate falling to his knees. This is because a split-second before before this picture, Tate gave him a full-on, two-handed shove in the back right before the ball arrived. Even the NFL in it’s wishy-washy defense of this call admitted this was clearly offensive pass interference.

  • The Conspiracy Theorists and Packer Haters Take:

“That kind of interference never gets called.” Like somehow that makes it right.

Suppose you blow through a school zone at 60 mph, and there’s no cop there? Were you still speeding? Suppose you were blowing through that same school zone and there is a cop there, but he just doens’t feel like pulling you over? Were you still speeding then?

Of course you were. It is the act that is illegal, not the resultant enforcement.  The fact that the refs didn’t call pass interference doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t have been called. The conspiracy theorists and the Packer haters know they have to answer for that non-call, because the Packer would have won the game the minute that yellow flag hit the Seattle turf.

Since a great deal of the Packer haters are Minnesota Viking fans, how does the memory of this non-call feel?


  • The SB Nation Take:

A key part of evidence can be seen in this screen shot — Jennings has the leverage on Tate. He makes contact with the ball at a higher point and has more control of the ball than Tate, who appears to only have his arm on it.  Jennings has both hands on the ball.

  • The Dubsism Take:

Here’s why the non-call on the pass interfenerce matters. Had Golden Tate not shoved Shields out of the way, neither Jennings or Tate would have touched that ball; Shields would have had the cleanest shot at it.

  • The Conspiracy Theorists Take:

Tate caught that ball. Oswald acted alone. And bullets can change direction in flight, too.


  • The SB Nation Take:

Another angle. See Jennings with both hands on the ball. Tate is behind him, and does not have both hands on the ball like Jennings does.

  • The Conspiracy Theorists Take:

Did we mention Tate caught that ball?  Oswald acted alone. And bullets can change direction in flight, too.


  • The SB Nation Take:

Yet another angle on the same moment. Jennings has both hands on the ball and appears to have control. Tate is getting both hands on the ball as well, but doesn’t appear to have the leverage Jennings does.

  • The Conspiracy Theorists Take:

Seriously, the government doesn’t want you to know that Tate caught that ball.  Oswald acted alone. And bullets can change direction in flight, too.


  • The SB Nation Take:

Jennings is pulling the ball towards his chest, a sign he has control of it. Tate is trying to pull it away but this screen shot shows Jennings not only had the ball but is now demonstrating possession by pulling it into his chest.

I think by now, you know what the conspiracy line is…


  • The SB Nation Take:

Look at the ball. Who has that? Not Tate. Jennings was pulling the ball into his chest as he came down and now he turns away from Tate and the ball goes with him. Jennings has that ball. Tate is just along for the ride.

  • The Conspiracy Theorist/Packer Hater’s Take:

Insert “Tate Caught Ball” mantra here.

  • The Dubsism Take: 

Remember those rules I said you had to ignore? Here they are:

  1. Jennings has sole possession of the ball
  2. Jennings has completed the act of making the catch
  3. Jennings is down in the end-zone by contact. If there were time left on the clock, this is the Packers ball at the 20-yard line.


  • The SB Nation Take:

One more look. Look at Tate’s arms. I mean, c’mon.

  • The Conspiracy Theorist/Packer Hater’s Take:

Insert “Tate Caught Ball” mantra here.

  • The Dubsism Take:

I can’t really say it any better.  In the words of SB Nation:

“Look at Tate’s arms. I mean, c’mon.”

Now see it in action:


And a little closer:


Would you be comfortable calling that a touchdown for the Seahawks? These refs were:


Actually, let me rephrase that. One referee makes a touchdown call. The other one signals for, um, a timeout? Two separate calls two feet away from each other on the biggest play of the only game going of the night. Communication is the most important aspect of a play like this for the referees — the white hat makes the call but he takes input from the others — and they completely blew it.

The referees went back to review the play after the fact, leading to a lengthy delay, but I’m not sure what they were reviewing. They can determine whether the ball was caught in bounds and all that but they cannot determine possession via replay. They said it was Tate’s touchdown — well, one of them did at least — and it wasn’t going to change via replay.

This is the kind of screw-up we needed to see. This is big enough — and it happened to a respected franchise like the Packers — that the NFL needs to seriously consider ending this lockout. The differences between the two sides is not big enough that you can’t go sit down with a federal mediator and hammer it down by lunch today.

I don’t want those at Acme Packing Company to think I’m putting them down; and I don’t want those at Field Gulls to think I’m ruining their night. That’s not the point of this. The game is done and the decision has been made but this is exactly the type of play we needed to kickstart an end to the referee lockout.

Let’s hope I’m right.

  • The Dubsism Take:

I’m with the SB people. This needs to be over, but let’s not forget the real referees are no manna from heaven either.  Sure, these replacement guys suck, but that’s only because they lack experience. These guys, as shitty as they are, are only about five years and a gym club membership away from being Ed “Maybe I should have called that fumble” Hochuli.

The conspiracy theorists and Packer Haters are this loose amalgamation of Viking fans who just hate Green Bay on principle and Patriot fans who hate Aaron Rodgers strictly because they hate Aaron Rodgers because he gets more media attention than Tom Brady does now.

You may ask yourself, “why do those people even matter?” Because they are the only groups of people who can fuck up the NFL more than Kommissar Goodell and his replacement stooges have.

All photos courtesy of SB Nation. 

Ask The Geico Guy: Does Jerry Kramer Belong in the Hall of Fame?

Does a former drill sergeant make a terrible therapist? Of course he does.

Even if the name Jerry Kramer isn’t familiar, you’ve seen him if you’ve ever watched NFL Films. Kramer is the man who threw arguably the most famous block in NFL history.  Kramer’s block on Dallas Cowboys defensive tackle Jethro Pugh in the 1967 NFL Championship cleared the way for Packer quarterback Bart Starr to score the touchdown which sent the Packers to Super Bowl II.

The game known as the “Ice Bowl” is an iconic piece of NFL history, and the setup to Kramer’s game-winning block is timeless. The Packers were trailing 17-14 with only 4:50 remaining. The Packers had the ball on their own 32-yard line, and the weather conditions were less than favorable for such a clutch drive; after, there’s a reason they called this game the “Ice Bowl.” This is the game that put the term “frozen tundra of Lambeau Field” into the NFL lexicon and gave us the moment where 13 was the magic number…the temperature was 13 degrees below zero, there were 13 seconds left on the clock, the ball was little more than 13 inches from the Cowboys goal line, and the Packers had no timeouts.

Quarterback Bart Starr called a play in the huddle that called for fullback Chuck Murcien to carry the ball behind a double-team block on Pugh thrown by Kramer and Packer center Ken Bowman. Starr kept the ball after the snap as he felt he could get better footing on the icy field. Kramer definitely had footing as he drove Pugh backward; Kramer was the first Packer in the end zone. Starr was the second, and that score led to the Packers second Super Bowl championship.

However, that wasn’t Kramer’s biggest performance in a championship game. That would come in the 1962 Championship Game, played against the New York Giants in Yankee Stadium. Many people thought the conditions that day were even worse than those of the “Ice Bowl.” Broadcaster Art Rust, Jr. called the weather that day “barbaric. ” Temperatures were in the single digits and the winds were gusting over 40 miles per hour. During the games conditions were so adverse one cameraman suffered frostbite while others resorted to lighting fires in the baseball dugouts to thaw out their cameras. Even Kramer himself was awed by the circumstances (From NFL.com):

Jerry Kramer surveyed the surreal scene as quickly as he could with the Giants waiting for the snap and the sounds of 64,892 fans in Yankee Stadium muffled by the howling winds gusting up to 40 mph.

Kramer, the team’s right guard, was in his first year taking over place-kicking duties and all he could think about were ghosts of Yankees legends like Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig.

“‘What are you doing in the middle of a baseball field against the New York Giants trying to kick a field goal?'” Kramer recalled. “It was great pressure for me.”

Even before the game, Kramer knew it was going to be an epic struggle, especially considering Packer head coach Vince Lombardi had been an offensive coach for the Giants.

“It was the coach’s backyard and his first time back in the big city in a playoff game. We knew how much it meant to him. There was considerable pressure and we understood it was going to be a substantial battle.”

The Packers won that hard fought battle 16-7; the difference being three field goals, all kicked by Jerry Kramer.  But like a lot of lineman, Kramer just didn’t get the love that day.

Kramer got voted for the team game ball, which he still has, while the writers picked linebacker Ray Nitschke as the MVP (he got a Corvette in “a classic example of what a lineman’s life is like,” Kramer quipped).

The lack of love, at least as far as the Pro Football Hall of Fame is concerned, continues for Kramer. This is why we here at Dubsism are taking up the cause to get Kramer the enshrinement in Canton he earned. Take the following from the website Jerry Kramer for Pro Football Hall of Fame

Jerry Kramer played right guard for the Green Bay Packers from 1958-1968. During these years the Packers dominated the NFL, winning 5 Championships (6162656667) in 7 seasons and the first two Super Bowls (III).

The heart of Green Bay’s offense was the Power Sweep. To Coach Lombardi it epitomized team work, requiring “all 11 men to play as one”. But the role of the guards was key and there was none better than Kramer, “the perfect prototype of a right guard”.

Three times a Pro Bowler (626367), five times an All-Pro, Jerry was named to the 1960’s All Decade Team, the Super Bowl Silver Anniversary Team, and, most notably, the NFL’s 50th Anniversary All-Star Team. Incomprehensibly, he is the only member of that team NOT in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. “I cannot believe he is not yet in the Hall of Fame,” wrote legendary sportswriter Jim Murray, “Neither can anyone he ever blocked for.” Packer teammate and Hall of Fame running back Paul Hornung concurs. “When you think of Hall of Fame guards, very few come to mind. However, when I think of great guards, I think of Jerry Kramer.”

Merlin Olsen may have said it best, “Good Lord, he should be in the Hall.”

Jerry Kramer leads the way for Elijah Pitts in Super Bowl I

Steve Sabol of NFL Films once referred to Jerry Kramer as “the lead boulder in the avalanche that was the Packer Power Sweep.” NFL Films also produced a video which makes Kramer’s case to be in Canton. Bleacher Report says Kramer is the greatest player to ever wear the number 64.  Even Sports Illustrated’s Peter King gets the power of the petition.

“Want to see Jerry Kramer get one of the Seniors nods? That’s the tenor of what I read and hear on Twitter. There are nine Seniors Committee members, and five of them meet every year in late August in Canton to determine who will get the two nominations. The best advice I can give those with the passion for Kramer is to write passionately to the Hall about his candidacy. Your voices will be heard.”

Want your voice to be heard? Start by going to the Jerry Kramer for Pro Football Hall of Fame website. There you can access the full story on Jerry Kramer, follow their Twitter feed, like them on Facebook, and sign the petition to get Kramer inducted.

Not only that, but you can contact the Senior Selection committee. These are nine veteran members of the Selection Committee who can nominate two members each year. Since Kramer is no longer on the regular ballot, he must be nominated by the Senior Committee. These members are:

  • Dan Pompei, Chicago Tribune
  • Rick Gosselin, Dallas Morning News
  • John McClain, Houston Chronicle
  • Ron Borges, Boston Herald
  • Bernie Miklasz, St. Louis Post-Dispatch
  • John Czarnecki, FOXSports.com
  • Dave Goldberg, AOL Sports/Fanhouse
  • Ira Miller, The Sports Xchange
  • Len Shapiro, Miami Herald

It isn’t hard to find Twitter feeds or email addresses for all of these people. Like Peter King said, if you want Jerry Kramer in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, it is time to let your voice be heard.

The 2012 NFL Playoffs – The Definitive Dubsism Oddsmaker’s View

1) Green Bay Packers

Why They Can Win:

In this case, there’s three good reasons. First, just like in boxing, you are the champs until somebody beats you, and to get to the Super Bowl, an NFC team is going to have to pull that off in Lambeau Field in January. Secondly, the Packers have Aaron Rodgers, who is Tom Brady before the very mention of his name drove me another notch toward rectal cancer. Third, and most simply, the Packers offense as a unit may be the most formidable weapon in the entire league.

Why They Can’t Win:

In what will prove to be a theme here, the Packers can barely run the ball, and their idea of defense is simply to outscore the opponent. They can make that work, but it is also an approach susceptible to failure.

Odds of Winning: 2.5 to 1

2) New Orleans Saints

Why They Can Win:

To be honest, I don’t have a good answer for this.  Last season, the Saints had two major flaws, First, Drew Brees tossed picks at a  near Favrian clip. That got fixed. The Saints also did not have a realistic offensive option coming out of the backfield. That got fixed too.

Why They Can’t Win:

They have to go on the road to get past Green Bay, which is going to be a tall order.

Odds of Winning: 4 to 1

3) Baltimore Ravens

Why They Can Win:

The worm has turned 180 degrees from this time last year, at which point I said the following:

“If you know the difference between Target and WalMart, then you know the difference between the Steelers and the Ravens. The shopping carts are little cleaner and they roll a little straighter at Target, but you get better prices at WalMart. The Baltimore Ravens are WalMart, and nobody loves to save a buck more than a Hot-Pocket eating blogger.”

Well, the Ravens are now Target, and the Steelers are now Walmart.  Target is better.

Why They Can’t Win:

Ray Rice remains the main offensive weapon of this team, as Joe Flacco still has  consistency issues. Any team that can force Flacco to be the play-maker has a puncher’s chance.

Odds of Winning: 8 to 1

4) San Francisco 49ers

Why They Can Win:

The 49ers might very well be the most complete and balanced team in this field. Alex Smith finally looks like an NFL quarterback, Frank Gore continues to deliver, and the defense is one of the best in the league.

Why They Can’t Win:

Jim Harbaugh may very well be the NFL coach of the year, but he’s still a Rookie head coach. Most of this team has never been down the playoff road before, and the way they got manhandled by the Ravens just seems like too much of a warning sign there’s a demon out there which will present itself during a playoff game.

Odds of Winning: 12 to 1

5) Pittsburgh Steelers

Why They Can Win:

The Steelers are are still very physical and still have playmakers.  Ben Roethlisberger is one those guys that makes anything possible.

Why They Can’t Win:

Like the rest of the team, Roethlisberger is beat up. Rashard Mendenhall is gone for the duration. The one guy this team absolutely cannot win without is Troy Polamalu, and he is nicked up as well.  Without him, the Steelers become the Aluminumers.

Odds of Winning: 15 to 1

6) New England Patriots

Why They Can Win:

Because Tom Brady is still Tom Brady; one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history on the NFL, and he isn’t far enough past his prime to be discounted.

Why They Can’t Win:

To see the future in Foxboro, just look toward Indianapolis. Don’t look right this second, because you may notice the Patriots are beginning to get old before your very eyes.  They are the worst 13-3 team I’ve ever seen – they define over-rated.  They can’t run the ball and their defense couldn’t stop a Pop Warner team, yet somehow they are top-seed in the AFC.

All this team has is Tom Brady, and that’s just enough to hide the real defects in this team. There’s a reason I call this the “Manning Rule.”

Odds of Winning: 18 to 1

7) New York Giants

Why They Can Win:

Take a coin out of your pocket. This coin represents the streakiness of the New York Giants. Flip the coin. Heads, Giants win.

Why They Can’t Win:

That complete lack of consistency drives me batshit crazy. Flip that coin Again. Tales, Giants lose. Eli Manning is easily my favorite player to watch in the NFL; he is like a poker player who loses a shitload of $50 pots, and just enough $10,000 ones to stay above water.  This time, Eli is all in with two pair.

Odds of Winning: 20 to 1

8 ) Atlanta Falcons

Why They Can Win:

Matt Ryan is an up-and-coming young quarterback who has been compared to a young Peyton Manning, and the Falcons have one of the best receiving groups in the game, which means the Falcons are capable of hanging big numbers on anybody.

Why They Can’t Win:

Ryan lives up to the Manning comparisons.  If he does, expect the Falcons to fold because Manning has always been a terrible “big game” quarterback; Manning’s only Super Bowl win comes from Lovie Smith’s refusal to get Rex Grossman off the field. Eventually, I think Ryan will prove to be a “big-game” quarterback, I’m just not sold this is the year.

On the other side of the ball, the Falcons lack the pass rush or secondary to handle the lethal passing attacks in this postseason group.

Odds of Winning: 25 to 1

9) Houston Texans

Why They Can Win:

There is an inviolable rule about play-off football: never count out a team that can a) run the ball and b) play defense. This is the recipe the Texans used to get this far.

Why They Can’t Win:

The injury to Matt Schaub could be crippling. If Jake Delhomme is the answer, I don’t want to know the question.

Odds of Winning: 30 to 1

10) Cincinnati Bengals

Why They Can Win:

Andy Dalton and A.J. Green are going to be one the best QB/WR combinations in this league for quite some time. Not to mention, the Bengals can play a little defense as well.

Why They Can’t Win:

Because they are the Bengals. If you were going to spin a yarn about a NFL team with a curse, you’d start in Cincinnati. Even if you don’t buy that, winning three road playoff games and a Super Bowl with a rookie quarterback is the poker equivalent of hitting an inside straight three times in a row.

Odds of Winning: 35 to 1

11) Detroit Lions

Why They Can Win:

They can’t. Well, I take that back; everybody else’s plane could crash, there could be a plague of locusts, there could be a massive outbreak of food poisoning from the people who do all the NFL food handling.

Why They Can’t Win:

Even though they have Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson, I don’t buy this team and I never have.  This is a team that hasn’t even sniffed the playoffs in over a decade, hasn’t won a division title in nearly two, and hasn’t won a league title in over five.

This year’s version loves to act like a high-school junior varsity team. They run their mouths constantly. They have a complete lack of discipline, which comes from the coach on down. They implode the minute they face a challenge. They’ve been pretty good this season, but they have yet to show me they have the stones to make the move from good to great.

Odds of Winning: 50 to 1

12) Denver Broncos

Why They Can Win:

Two words: Tim Tebow.

Why They Can’t Win:

Two words: Tim Tebow.

Odds of Winning: 100 to 1

What We Learned From This Weekend in Football 9/18/11

Several important football lessons were learned this weekend, both in the college ranks and in the NFL. So, without wasting time on a clever introduction, let’s just cut to the important stuff…

1) What Do Cam Newton and Notre Dame have in common?

To be blunt, they are both now officially over-rated.  The Irish are getting all sorts of love for beating a Michigan State team that couldn’t stop shooting itself in the face, and Newton hung up another 400+ yard passing performance against a team that couldn’t put pass-rush pressure on him. The fun part is they are both over-rated for the same reason…they both committed three turnovers, which is NEVER acceptable. In the case of Notre Dame, the only reason they won is because Michigan State did a better job of beating themselves than the Irish did. When it comes to Newton, passing yard totals are nice, but one touchdown to three picks isn’t going to fly in this league…ever.  A nice start for getting off the over-rated list would be for Notre Dame to beat a real team away from the shadow of “Surrender Jesus,” and for the Cam-shaft to win a ballgame, period.

2) The Early Leaders in Terrible

The Kansas City Chiefs, Indianapolis Colts, and the Minnesota Vikings. The Chiefs and the Colts just flat-out have no hope, and the Vikings found a way to blow a double-digit lead late. These three teams may not win 10 games combined.

As far as the NCAA is concerned, it was hard not to notice how overmatched Ohio State looked against Miami. For that matter, it was hard not to notice that most of the Big Twelevten looked generally shitty. There’s the aforementioned Michigan State debacle. Then there’s the Penn State offense, which looks like eleven shock-therapy patients whacked out on Goofenthal. The only Big Ten team which didn’t look lousy against real competition was Iowa, and that was only in the fourth quarter.

3) The Redskins are STILL not as good as they look

And that goes for the Bills and the Lions as well. There are  teams with a 2-0 mark after two weeks; the Patriots, the Packers, the Jets, the Texans, the Bills, the Lions, and the Redskins. There’s no way all of those last three are making the playoffs. However, I’ve got to give credit to Mike Shanahan for one thing…even though Rex Grossman still sucks, he sucks less than Donovan McNabb.

4) Bronco fans are retarded

Check out the mindset behind this billboard.

“We believe in Coach Fox. We’re just tired of Kyle Orton. We were sitting around after Fox said he didn’t hear the chants for (Tim) Tebow and we figured if he’s deaf, we hope he’s not blind.”

It’s crap like this that makes me think Denver doesn’t deserve an NFL team. First of all, the Broncos have been mediocre at best for close to fifteen years. The last few years have been a long, slow descent into suckitude, and there’s no way Tim Tebow changes that.

If you don’t believe that, look at it this way. If you say you believe in John Fox, then it is time for you to remember he has coached a team in the Super Bowl far more recently than the Broncos have been there, and Fox damn near beat the Patriots with a hump like Jake Delhomme as his quarterback.  That means John Fox has forgotten more than you will ever know about what it takes to be a quarterback in the NFL, Mr. Bronco Fan.

That also means if you believe in John Fox, then you would also believe that he’s correct in saying Orton is the better starting quarterback than Tebow. Instead, you are out putting up billboards showing off your idiocy.

If you hadn’t noticed, Tebow isn’t even qualified to handle the clipboard.   Remember, John Fox knows more than you, and John Fox’s number two man isn’t Tebow…it’s Brady Quinn. Let that sink in for a moment; a guy who knows waaaaaay more than you about quarterbacks thinks even BRADY FREAKING QUINN rates better on the depth chart than Tebow. So, where’s the “Start Brady Quinn” billboard?

Pull your heads out of your collective asses and understand something about Orton. He has a winning record as a starting quarterback despite the fact he’s played for Lovie Smith and Josh McDaniels, two coaches who have combined for exactly two winning season since 2006, and Orton was the starting quarterback in BOTH of them. He has a record of 22-10 as a starter at home; he DOESN’T suck.

Tebow is your future for a host of reasons, not the least of which is this guarantees Orton leaves town as a free-agent, and no other decent quarterback will sign on to be the guy you boo in favor of Timmy Rah-Rah. But the future isn’t now, and you need to come to terms with that. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… Kyle Orton is not, repeat IS NOT the reason the Broncos suck.

5) Tony Romo showed some balls

I can’t believe I’m defending Tony Romo in two consecutive weeks, but all the people who piled on him last week now have to give credit where it is due. Leading a comeback in overtime after suffering a cracked rib counters everything that was said about Romo last week; namely he’s soft and he chokes in big-game moments. Granted, he needs to pull moments like yesterday more often, but he can only do it one Sunday at a time.

The Dubsism 2011 Pre-Season NFL Power Rankings

As we find ourselves on the verge of another NFL season, it is time for the degenerate gambler in me to preview the carnage. Let’s face it, the NFL is comprised of  three classes: Really Good, Mediocre, and Lousy.  This means NFL predictions are pretty easy to get reasonably correct. For example, the online sports book experts find it easy to predict the AFC East standings each year. As long as quarterback Tom Brady is playing for head coach Bill Belichick in New England, that will be your division favorite. Another point that should be obvious is that if you are reading this article and expecting anything more clever than a sports book expert, maybe you shouldn’t be gambling in the first place.

Having said that, here’s how we see these teams come January (playoff teams noted in green).

Rankings by Division

AFC East

The Patriots looked invincible last season until the New York Jets found their Achilles’ heel. Once you take away the Patriots running game, their offense suddenly can’t create plays. However, the Pats’ seem to have addressed that by solidifying the offensive line.  Otherwise, the Patriots needed to make two major changes;  they needed help in the defensive secondary, and they needed size in the running game. Danny Woodhead is a great story, but he’s a munchkin, and teams had him figured out by the playoffs. Brandon Meriwether is a fraud, and has been for a while. This is why the Patriots drafted defensive back Ras-I Dowling and running back Shane Vereen. When you stop to consider the Patriots’ past success at player scouting and development (don’t make me break out the Tom Brady cliché yet again), it is safe to assume that the Patriots solved their problems.

Q: Who knew this looked a future Hall-of-Famer? A: Bill Belichick.

But don’t sleep on the Jets.  The Jets get the second spot in the AFC East by default; the Bills and Dolphins are both in that “Lousy” category. The Jets season hinges on two things: the defense has to live up to expectations by being the dominant unit it should be, and Mark Sanchez has to not suck. Frankly, it is time for Sanchez to prove he is worthy of the star status he has been accorded. If he finally shows us he is the “San-chise,” the sky is the limit for the Jets. If not, expect another playoff loss.

  1. New England Patriots
  2. New York Jets
  3. Miami Dolphins
  4. Buffalo Bills

AFC North

The Ravens defense used to be radioactive to offenses, but like all radioactive elements, eventually they pass their half-life and the decay becomes noticeable. This may not be the year that happens, but it is getting more likely with time. If the Ravens are going to make a move and snatch this division from the Steelers, that defense needs to stay healthy and give us one more season of nuclear-powered destruction. Anything short of that, and we may very well be seeing those damn Terrible Towels deep into the playoffs.

  1. Pittsburgh Steelers
  2. Baltimore Ravens
  3. Cleveland Browns
  4. Cincinnati Bengals

AFC South

This division goes to the Texans by default. Tennessee has a new head coach, and I have no faith that Matt Hasselbeck is the cure to all that ailed the Titans. Jacksonville is just plain bad, and I can’t sell on the Colts fast enough. If you saw Indianapolis in the pre-season, you saw the lack of Peyton Manning is only one problem this team has. The offensive line couldn’t block a hat, the defense acts more like the express lane at the toll-booth, and head coach Jim Caldwell couldn’t find his balls with both hands. However, in all fairness, it’s not like the Texans have ever shown they know where their balls are either; they’ve never once showed they have what it takes to win.

  1. Houston Texans
  2. Tennessee Titans
  3. Indianapolis Colts
  4. Jacksonville Jaguars

AFC West

Here’s another default situation that just drives me nuts. Every year, I get sucked in by the Chargers, only to watch them underperform. I honestly wish I could say with confidence San Diego can’t win this division, but who else can? The Raiders didn’t lose a division game last year, but they also have a new head coach, question marks all over the roster, and the usual Raider drama. The Chiefs showed what they were in that seal-clubbing they took at the hands of the Ravens in the playoff last season, and they didn’t get better since then. Do I even need to mention the Denver Tebows?

  1. San Diego Chargers
  2. Oakland Raiders
  3. Kansas City Chiefs
  4. Denver Broncos

NFC East

We could call this division the NFC Over-Rated. I swear to god, the next person who refers to the Eagles as “dream team” will get kicked in the neck (I say this as a lifelong Eagles fan). They have some serious issues on the offensive line, and I will give you even money Michael Vick proves to be a bust on that big contract he just got. Don’t forget he got the crap beaten out of him last season and lost five games due to injury, plus he got progressively worse as the season went on. Not to mention he is age-wise already north of 30, and I don’t know of too many athletes that aged like wine; running quarterbacks age like milk.

Then there’s the Cowboys. To buy this team, I need to do two things that make me nervous. First, I have to buy Tony Romo as a quarterback who can win a game that means something; that’s compounded by the fact he plays behind an offensive line that at times can look like five matadors in silver and blue. Secondly, I need to see head coach Jason Garrett take this team out of the gate as “the man;” last year I suspect he got a bump in performance out of that team just for not being fat Bob Newhart Wade Phillips.

As far as the Giants are concerned…well, let’s just say the difference between Tony Romo and Eli Manning is pure, uncut luck. Without one David Tyree catch against his helmet as the best possible time, we are likely dogging the drunken, non-misshapen-headed Manning as badly as we dog Romo now. Besides, that one catch lengthens the time before I will see Tom Coughlin standing by a freeway on-ramp holding a sign which says “will be an asshole for food.”

One of these quarterbacks is probably not a homosexual. The other is Eli Manning.

The only thing for sure about this division is that the Redskins will be a vortex of inter-galactic suckittude; the kind that generates such a gravitational pull it threatens to collapse under its own mass.

  1. Philadelphia Eagles
  2. New York Giants
  3. Dallas Cowboys
  4. Washington Redskins

NFC North

The Packers return better as defending champs not because they added tons of talent in the off-season; rather because they are entering with all the talent they lost due to injury. Let’s face it, the 2010 Packers were so beat up last year they looked like the battered women’s shelter by Mike Tyson’s house. If they can learn to slip that “I’m off my Lithium again” left-hook the NFL season can throw, the Packers will prove to be more than a Buster Douglas-type one-trick pony.

Meanwhile, three hours to the south lies the enigma known as the Chicago Bears. How can a team have so many ex-head coaches on its staff (Mike Martz, Rod Marinelli, and Mike Tice) and not know that a key to a successful offense is not letting the other team turn their quarterback into lawn mulch? It is easy to beat on Jay Cutler, but’s let’s be fair, he could sue his offensive line for non-support. If there’s a guy in Chicago who should be getting called out, it’ s Lovie Smith. He’s done the least with the most talent of nearly any coach in this league, and yet his job never seems to be in danger. One can make an argument that a coach who didn’t have his head up his ass could have won two Super Bowls with the Bears during the Lovie regime, but nobody ever seems to mention that…

If Wal-Mart made a cheap, Guatemalan-made version of the New York Jets, it might just be the Detroit Lions. Let’s look at the common components:

  • A team that will likely have a bone-shattering defense
  • A team designed around a “ball-control” offense
  • A team with a young quarterback who needs to prove he’s the real deal
This will be the first year of the post-Favre debacle in Minnesota; an era that will be marked by 6-win seasons and a continued failure to understand the value of the quarterback position and the talent required to make a winner.
  1. Green Bay Packers
  2. Chicago Bears
  3. Detroit Lions
  4. Minnesota Vikings

NFC South

The NFL Lockout really was a cover story so Drew Brees could hang out with Seal Team 6 and waste some bad guys.

The Saints may very well be the most complete offense in the NFC. Drew Brees and Sean Payton make the brainiest quarterback-coach combination since Joe Montana and Bill Walsh. Not only did the running game get better simply by the subtraction of Reggie StolenHeisman-KardashianReject,  the addition of running back Mark Ingram and “I’m gonna smash you in the mouth” center Olin Kreutz, makes for a physical ground game to go with the Brees and Company Flying Circus.

Every since draft day, we’ve known the Falcons think they are “that one piece away,” and they think that piece is wide receiver Julio Jones. Honestly, I would be more concerned about the impending breakdown of running back Michael Turner; in the past few seasons he’s touched more balls than the lady who does the lottery drawings.

  1. New Orleans Saints
  2. Atlanta Falcons
  3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
  4. Carolina Panthers

NFC West

Welcome to the NFC 7-9 Division, or as I like to call it, the “Somebody’s got to win it” Division. Honestly, I loved all the belly aching that went on about how a team with a losing record shouldn’t be in the playoffs despite the fact the SeaHacks won under the architecture provided, and the people who bitched the loudest about the NFL playoff system are the same ones who beat on college football for not having a playoff. Plus, it was these very same people who bitched about my solution for the college playoff issue who stole the line form the “Poll and Bowl” crowd about this being about the “best teams, not just those who win a bad division.”

That was until the SeaHacks knocked out the Saints. Then it all stopped. It really doesn’t matter, because one of these teams will be in the playoffs whether you like it or not.

  1. St. Louis Rams
  2. Arizona Cardinals
  3. San Francisco 49ers
  4. Seattle Seahawks

Overall Rankings

  1. New England Patriots
  2. Green Bay Packers
  3. Philadelphia Eagles
  4. Pittsburgh Steelers
  5. New York Jets
  6. New Orleans Saints
  7. San Diego Chargers
  8. Atlanta Falcons
  9. Baltimore Ravens
  10. New York Giants
  11. Houston Texans
  12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
  13. Dallas Cowboys
  14. Chicago Bears
  15. Miami Dolphins
  16. St. Louis Rams
  17. Tennessee Titans
  18. Detroit Lions
  19. Indianapolis Colts
  20. Arizona Cardinals
  21. Oakland Raiders
  22. Cleveland Browns
  23. Kansas City Chiefs
  24. Jacksonville Jaguars
  25. Seattle Seahawks
  26. Minnesota Vikings
  27. San Francisco 49’ers
  28. Buffalo Bills
  29. Denver Broncos
  30. Cincinnati Bengals
  31. Washington Redskins
  32. Carolina Panthers

Famous Sports Rivalries In Which I Hate Both Sides

The sporting world is full of rivalries which engender so much passion there are clear battle lines drawn between the camps. But what happens to those of us who may feel animus toward both sides? Here’s a list of several such examples that make the collective colon here at Dubsism slam shut like a steel bear trap.

12 ) Chicago Cubs vs. Chicago White Sox

It is almost impossible to find two teams that exemplify their shit-hole of a city more. Where better to put the two retarded little brothers of baseball who while steeped in history have accounted for one championship in 90 years than in one of the largest cities in the world that matters the least to anybody?

11) LeBron James vs. the City of Cleveland

Sometimes, you really have to wonder if we have completely succeeded in this country in growing a generation of complete morons we’ve put on pedestals. Nobody in the world would have blamed LeBron James for leaving Cleveland; nobody wants to be in Cleveland.  It’s little more than a “Mini-Me” to Chicago; a rust-belt, blue-collar city that nobody wants to be in; Cleveland’s population has been dropping steadily for 80 years. All he had to do was not be a douche-bag about it.  It really leaves you in a situation where you can’t figure out who is dumber, LeBron for screwing up a move millions of Clevelanders have made themselves or those same Clevelanders for managing collectively to sound like a bitter ex-wife.

10) Montreal Canadiens vs. Toronto Maple Leafs

Hate is actually too strong a term for this. The problem is the “Rhett Butler” approach is too weak, but it is closer to accurate.  Let’s face it;  I don’t really give a damn. I spent big chunks of my childhood in Southern California, which isn’t exactly where you develop strong feelings about Canadian hockey teams, and even though I loved the old-school Los Angeles Kings (seriously, we are talking about the pre-Gretzky Kings with the purple and gold uniforms that clothed an NHL retirement home; the Kings of my childhood featured such past-their-prime legends like Butch Goring and Marcel Dionne), you couldn’t watch the 12-team NHL of the 1970’s without knowing these two teams hated each other.  All I cared about in those days is that both of these teams arrived at the L.A. Forum with a boatload of Canadians who weren’t past their prime and put as ass-whipping on the Kings.  Even to this day, all I can say is “screw both of them; Canada sucks.”

9) Manchester United vs. Manchester City

For those of you not familiar with the English Premier League, picture this rivalry with the Red Devils of Manchester United as the New York Yankees with Manchester City as the old Brooklyn Dodgers. You perhaps didn’t really like the Dodgers, but they made a perfect underdog foil to those goddamn Yankees. But then the Dodgers went Hollywood, started winning and blew their lovability in the process, much like the Los Angeles Dodgers. 15 years ago, Man City was lovable in their feebleness, but then new ownership pumped that team full of money, and now they are every bit as douche-tastic as their cross-town rivals.

8 ) Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins

As a Philadelphia Eagle fan, this one is really a no-brainer. There’s an old saying that culture in an organization comes from the top down, and Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder are a marvelous reflection of that. While we here at Dubsism have postulated that Al Davis makes the Oakland Raiders the “North Korea of the NFL,” Jones and Snyder are both in line to ascend to the NFL’s “Crazy Old Man Owner” throne. Thankfully, their leadership (or lack thereof) has made these two franchises combine for a grand total of three playoff wins in the past 15 years.

7) Oklahoma Sooners vs. Texas Longhorns

Our Proposed Logo for the "Red River Rivalry"

The way these two preen over that silly Saturday in October…well, it really is sad to think either of these two believe anybody gives a shit about them or their “make-believe” rivalry.  It’s really sad that a couple of goofy-ass schools like Nebraska and Colorado are the ones who figured out the Big 12 is a repository for football nobody cares about.

6) Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings vs. Chicago Bears

This is much like the “love triangle” situation outline in the 1980 J. Geils’ Band hit “Love Stinks.” The Vikings think the Packers are their main rival, The Packers think the Bears are their main rival, and neither the Packers or the Bears even know who the Vikings are.

5) Arsenal vs. Chelsea

More from the English Premier League, so I will make another baseball reference…Earlier I compared Manchester United to the Yankees. Continuing on this theme, Arsenal would be the Red Sox and Chelsea would be the Mets, only if the Mets didn’t suck. They are two of the biggest clubs in the league, and they can buy pretty much any player they want. Whenever these two get together, it is an exercise in dysfunction that somehow manages to be successful, like a photo negative of the Dallas Cowboys.

4) Auburn vs. Alabama

When these two compete in the annual “Iron Bowl,” they are battling for the bragging right for the entire state of Alabama. This is like two bums fighting over the least piss-stained raincoat at Goodwill. Do you know what the best thing that ever came out of the state of Alabama was? An empty bus.  Alabama is just a collection of bimbos whose boyfriends still think Bear Bryant is alive, and Auburn thinks it is a real university.

3) Duke vs. North Carolina

What can we say about Duke that we haven’t said before? No matter their record, no matter their talent, no matter anything, Duke sucks.  As much as we have beat on Mike Krzyzewski for being a pompous ass-hat, North Carolina’s Roy Williams is in the same league, and not just figuratively. My favorite was last spring when Williams compared having a losing ACC record to the earthquake in Haiti.

“Our massage therapist told me, ‘You know, coach, what happened in Haiti is a catastrophe. What you’re having is a disappointment,’ ” said Williams. “I told her that depends on what chair you’re sitting in. It does feel like a catastrophe to me, because it is my life.”

I’m not sure what the state of North Carolina did to deserve such a pair of pure, uncut assholes, but better them than the rest of us.

2) Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees

The Yankees – Red Sox rivalry is one of the oldest, most famous and fiercest rivalries in North American professional sports.  For over 100 years, Major League Baseball’s Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees of the American League have been intense rivals.  For nearly as long, fans of both teams have thoroughly annoyed the living shit out of the rest of us.

The rivalry is sometimes so polarizing that it is often a heated subject, like religion or politics, in the Northeastern United States.  In fact, since ESPN is also based in the Northeastern US, they believe the Yankees and the Red Sox are the only two teams in Major League Baseball, judging by their broadcast schedule.

1) Michigan Wolverines vs. Ohio State Buckeyes

College football gives us the twelve greatest Saturdays of the year, and it also give us the two greatest evils in sports. Ohio State and Michigan both represent all that is wrong with college football, and every evil that it contains.  Recent events have shown that Jim Tressel, a.k.a. Cheatypants McSweatervest is a disingenuous, lying prick, and the Michigan fan base just hasn’t come to terms with the fact they are not an elite program anymore. I can only hope and pray that the NCAA grows the balls to make an example out of Ohio State, but they likely won’t, and I hope it takes Michigan at least three more head coaches before they figure out that “elite” programs don’t get man-handled by Purdue.

The Super Bowl: The Definitive Preview

Let’s start with my original playoff predictions:

Pittsburgh Steelers

Why They Can Win:

The “Big Ben” episode from the beginning of the season seems to be ancient history, and this team is very quietly playing like the elite team they are, even if they are on the “Rodney Dangerfield” list for not getting any respect.

Why They Can’t Win:

This team can win without Ben Roethlisberger. This team can win without a lot of people; Troy Polamalu isn’t one of them. The strength of this team is its defense, and Polamalu is the backbone of the entire unti. Without him, the Steelers become the Aluminumers.

Odds of Winning: 3 to 1

Green Bay Packers

Why They Can Win:

In short,  three reasons: Aaron Rodgers, who once he wins his first playoff game may just win three more, a superb vertical passing game, and a play-making ball-hawk defense.

Why They Can’t Win:

In what is clearly becoming a theme here, the Packers may be the purest example of the “can’t really run” team. It’s like everybody suddenly thought the “Dan Marino” model was the way to go. It’s like everybody forgot how many championships Marino won.

Odds of Winning: 8 to 1

Now that we are down to a head-to-head matchup, there are three categories to analyze.

1) What Vegas Thinks

Anybody who loves to bet knows professional gamblers pay attention to five key categories:

  • Yards Rushing per Game –Steelers 120.1, Packers 103.2
  • Yards Rushing Allowed Per Game – Steelers 61.6, Packers  107.7
  • Points Scored Per Game – Packers 25.2, Steelers 23.9
  • Points Allowed Per Game – Steelers 15.3, Packers 15.3
  • Ratio of Points Scored to Points Allowed – Steelers 1.68, Packers 1.56

Advantage: Steelers

2) The On-the-Field Matchups

  • The Battle of the Trenches

This comes down to a Steeler offensive line which let Ben Roethlisberger get sacked 43 times, not to mention how many times he’s been hit. That shot that busted his beak wasn’t a sack, and it wasn’t the only time he’s taken a shot to the head. Ben’s protection doesn’t figure to be any better with Maurkice Pouncey removed from that line. Granted, Pittsburgh has some some cold killers on the defensive side, but the Packers O-line isn’t dinged up and Aaron Rodgers can prove to be quite elusive.

  • The Battle of the Quarterbacks

Rodgers and Roethlisberger…sounds lees like two elite quarterbacks and more like a 19th-century songwriting team.  Honestly, these guys are complete opposites who at the end of the day both can extend plays. The difference is that Rodgers has quick-strike capabilities; if the Packers get a two-touchdown lead any point, the game is over. The Steelers simply don’t have the ability to play catch-up, and they can’t win a shootout. Ultimately, this will be one of those games where you tell me the score, and I will tell you the winner. If the final score ends up being 12-10, that a Steeler victory; whereas if it ends at 31-17, that means the title went back to Titletown.

  • The Battle of the Non-Over-Rated Bullshit

The Steelers don’t throw the ball particularly well; the Packers don’t run the ball particularly well. Both sides have big-time defenses, big-time quarterbacks, and guys with hair and beards that are way past “out of control.” This game is evenly matched; it will come down to which team doesn’t shoot itself in the foot and capitalizes on opportunities. The Steelers’ turnover differential was +17; the Packers’ +10. Meanwhile the Packers get into the end zone 63.08% of the time when entering the “red zone,” and 75 % of the time during the playoffs; while the Steelers have matched that in the playoffs, they still only managed touchdowns on only 51.72% of their trips inside the 20, and that number drops to 45% away from Heinz Field.

Advantage: Packers

3) A Comparison of the Cities

Really, comparing Green Bay to Pittsburgh is like comparing a green turd to a brown one. The bucolic land of beer and cheese against a “Rust Belt” city where people put fries and slaw on their sandwiches. A small, reasonably clean midwestern town of 100,000 against a decaying metropolitan miasma of 2.5 million. The “frozen tundra;” the hallowed ground of the NFL against a stadium named for ketchup.

Advantage: Packers

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For…The Green Bay Packers

There are several key storylines which require all media outlets to discuss in the days leading up to the Super Bowl. Seriously, any media outlet, even penny-ante blogs, are required to cover them, lest they have their noses flayed and their genitals set on fire. As usual, to meet our blogospherical canons before the upcoming event, we will inform you, the blog-reading public about why you should not support the Green Bay Packers.

1) Their fans need an  instruction manual

Let’s be honest; Packer fans aren’t very bright. Aside from climate, there is only one difference between Wisconsin and Arkansas; the accents. The fact that how to be a football fan needed to be written down for these people only underscores the general lack of intellignece rampant in America’s Dairyland. Even better yet: nobody catches the irony of writing a book for a group which has a shockingly high rate of illiteracy.

2) Lynn Dickey

Lynn Dickey is the best quarterback Packer fans have completely forgotten.  In 1996, when the Big Eight expanded to the Big 12 Conference, the Associated Press named Dickey as the All-Time Big Eight Quarterback.  Kansas State University has retired the No. 11 to honor Dickey; it is the only number retired by the program.  Dickey is a member of the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame and the Kansas Sports Hall of Fame.

Yet, there isn’t a single Packer fan who knows who he is.  If you doubt that, ask any Packer fan who holds the team record of passing yards in a single season. You can ask that question all day long before you get the correct answer.   The high point of Dickey’s NFL career came in 1983 when he powered the Packers’ offense to a then-team record 429 points.  He threw for 4,458 yards, which remains a team record.  Other Packers records that Dickey holds includes highest completion percentage in a game (90.48%), most passing yards in a game (418), and highest average gain in a season (9.21).  Yet he is completely forgotten by a franchise that hangs its cheesehead on history.

3) Brett Favre

America blames you, Packer Nation, for foisting this ass-clown upon us. Specifically, if the Packers would have gotten rid of Favre after the 2005 season when it was clear the end was coming, none of us would have had to live through all his bullshit drama in the years since.

4) More Brett Favre

Want to see the 2nd dumbest guy in America? Look for a guy in a Green Bay Packer Brett Favre jersey.  Want to see the dumbest guy in America?  Look for a guy in a Minnesota Viking Brett Favre jersey.

5) The Cheesehead

There’s not very many ways to look dumber than a guy with a foam-rubber wedge of cheese on his head; although painting the “G” on your face backward is one.

6) The Cheese Bra

Honestly, I’m not sure what to say about this. other than it is so blatantly, so purely wrong. Good thing its not cheese panties, lest the jokes head off in a very bad direction very quickly.

7) Vince Lombardi is not God; Packer fans are all going to hell

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; you shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.”

8 ) Tony Mandarich

Or as I like to call him, the George Washington of the steroid era; Mandarich was the first guy to bring performance enhancing drugs to the forefront in big-time American sports. The Packers ignored all the warning signs surrounding this horse-juice pin-cushion when they wasted the second overall draft pick on him in 1989.  Sure, he may have been a physical specimen, but the rumblings were out there his physique came courtesy of the syringe; he may have been a first-team All-American, an Outland Award finalist and a two-time Big Ten Lineman of the Year, but he was also a first-class tool. This was evidenced by his challenging then-heavyweight boxing Champion Mike Tyson to a fight, and constantly missing scheduled public appearances due to being drunk or hungover.

9) These Guys

Man, am I worn thin of all of these guys tricking out firefighter gear for their teams.  The Jets ‘ Fireman Ed was the first, and he pre-dated 9/11.  All the rest of you are just pretenders. Don’t get me wrong, every firehouse house in the world has two types of  firefighters; there will be eight who are the best people on the planet, and there will be two douche-nozzles who bust everybody’s balls over whether the cupcakes are gluten-free.  Guess which these two are?

10) Jessica Biel is a Packer fan

Honestly, Biel’s football allegiances matter little, other than her declarations during Super Bowl week just served as a reminder that I’m likely never going to tap that, and for that alone, I can say fuck the Packers.


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