The “Tebow Theory:” Eventually, Somebody Is Going To Build An NFL Offense Around a Quarterback Who Can’t Throw

13 06 2013

All Tebow Team

With the arrival of Tim Tebow in New England, this seems like as good as time as any to explore in detail a discussion I’ve had with several football fans.  The NFL of the past few years has become a league infatuated with the passing game to a point where several offenses in this league almost completely ignore the running game. The teams that do this have a luxury in today’s NFL…they have a quarterback who can throw the ball.

The team that has had the most success with this approach is obvious; the New England Patriots. In Tom Brady, New England currently has a guy who is clearly one of the great quarterbacks in the history of this league. Offenses built around the passing game, such as that of the current Patriots, the Peyton Manning-era Colts, or even their predecessors such as the Dan Marino-era Dolphins or the “Air Coryell” San Diego Chargers all shared a common trait; they all had top-flight quarterbacks. Hell, even the Los Angeles Rams of the 1950′s used two all-star quarterbacks (Bob Waterfield and Norm Van Brocklin) to set all kinds of early NFL passing records.

The problem with this approach is two-fold. First of all, not everybody can get an All-Pro quarterback. It’s not like they grow on trees.  That begs the question: What do you do if you can’t get one of these “big-time” quarterbacks? Right now in the NFL, there are far too many teams taking the square peg/round hole approach, meaning they are trying to turn guys who just don’t have the requisite skill sets into the ringmaster of an NFL aerial circus. This is why NFL fans get to watch far too much bad quarterback play.

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Trash-Talking The 2013 Sweet Sixteen

25 03 2013

stewie says you suck

Now that  my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a profanity-filled tirade about shit I don’t like.  This promises to be a particularly nasty edition since for the first time in the history of my filling out brackets, I’ve lost both teams I had playing on Monday Night in the first weekend tournament. So, since I can’t like this tournament anymore, here comes the bile…

In alpha-suck-abetical order:

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So, Urban Meyer Is A Hypocrite…In Other News, the Sun Rose This Morning

12 04 2012

Wow…somebody wrote an article saying Pope Urban I may not be so saintly.  Color me shocked.  Let’s face it, the guy is a big-time college football coach, which means he’s part politician, part used-car salesman, and complete sleazewad.  If you doubt that, look at a coach who has won a BCS game in the last ten years and tell me how many of them weren’t scumbags.

Honestly, Pope Urban I may really be just like some other popes from the era of corrupted indulgences.  In the Catholic church, the word “indulgence” originally meant kindness or favor; in post-classic Latin it came to mean the remission of a tax or debt.  In Roman law and in the Vulgate of the Old Testament (Isaiah 61:1) it was used to express release from captivity or punishment.  In theological language also the word is sometimes employed in its primary sense to signify the kindness and mercy of God.

However, none of those definitions match what an indulgence really is.  By the strict Catholic definition, an indulgence is the extra-sacramental remission of the temporal punishment due, in God’s justice, to sin that has been forgiven, which remission is granted by the Church in the exercise of the power of the keys, through the application of the merits of Christ and the saints, and for some just and reasonable motive.

Now, you may be asking yourself just what the hell does all this Catholic doctrine have to do with this have to do with Urban Meyer?

First of all, Urban Meyer’s reign as a big-time college football coach has some major similarities with his namesake’s reign as the Supreme Pontiff. The real Pope Urban I was consecrated in 222 A.D. and ruled until his death in 230 A.D.  And like Meyer, much Urban I’s life is shrouded in mystery, which has led to many myths and misconceptions.

In the case of Urban I, it was believed for centuries that he was martyred.  But recent historical discoveries lead scholars to believe that he died of natural causes. This is just like how Urban Meyer left Florida under the guise of “health reasons;” reasons that miraculously were cured by being an analyst at ESPN for ten months.

Urban I’s reign saw a great deal of freedom in the Christian community leading to the growth of the Roman Church, which led to the belief that he was a skilled converter. Urban Meyer had the job on the Florida sideline during a time of relative success, which meant there was little scrutiny from the NCAA, which allowed him to recruit without a lot of hindrance from the NCAA, which led to the belief he is a skilled recruiter.

Urban I’s time in Rome was borne of strife as his predecessor was under wide criticism and there was a divide in the Church as the schismist Hippolytus was still leading a rival Christian congregation.  Hippolytus also published the Philosophumena, which was little more than an attack on Urban I’s predecessor Callixtus.  Urban Meyer took over at Florida in the wake of the “Fire Ron Zook” era, many harsh words were penned about Zook, and once Meyer left Florida, along comes the Sporting News to be his version of Hippolytus.

So, it goes without saying that we here at Dubsism weren’t surprised by the article published by the Sporting News this week that leveled some pretty hefty allegations  at Meyer. To really understand our level of non-shockitude, it’s time for another patented Dubsism breakdown.

The uproar and controversy of Urban Meyer’s stunning recruiting coup at Ohio State settled in and Stefon Diggs, still on the Buckeyes’ wish list, was debating his future.

Diggs, the second-highest rated wide receiver in the country, had narrowed his list of potential schools to Maryland, Florida and Ohio State. For more than a week following National Signing Day on Feb. 1, and before Diggs eventually signed with Maryland, Meyer relentlessly pursued Diggs.

Multiple sources told Sporting News that Meyer—who won two national championships in six years at Florida and cemented his legacy as one of the game’s greatest coaches—told the Diggs family that he wouldn’t let his son go to Florida because of significant character issues in the locker room.

Character issues that we now know were fueled by a culture Meyer created. Character issues that gutted what was four years earlier the most powerful program in college football.

Whether we are talking about recruiting or converting matters little; it’s amazing how both will spark controversy.  If you are a missionary in the jungles of Outer Wherever, the wrong words can mean you end up as a shrunken head on some tribesman’s belt. If you are a football coach, you will say just about anything to get that recruit, even if those words are borne of blatant hypocrisy.

It was Meyer who declared the Florida program “broken” at the end of his last regular season game in Gainesville in November of 2010. But why was it broken?

“Over the last two years he was there,” one former player said, “the players had taken complete control of the team.”

Only now, through interviews with multiple sources during a three-month Sporting News investigation, do we see just how damaged the infrastructure really was and how much repair work second-year coach Will Muschamp has had to undertake in replacing Meyer—who has moved on to Ohio State less than a year after resigning from Florida for health reasons.

Meyer denies allegations that he cast Florida and its players in a dark light when he spoke to the Diggs family, and said, “I love Florida; I’ll always be a Gator. My motives were pure as gold when I left. We left Florida because I was dealing with health issues that I’ve since learned how to control.”

Hmmm… “Always be a Gator” said while wearing Ohio State gear. “My motives were pure as gold,” knowing full well there’s a big difference between 10 karat and 24 karat.  I bet it helps tremendously to believe in transubstantiation to buy that bilge.

But multiple former players and others close to the program say the timing of his departure was also tied to the roster he left behind. Remember it was Meyer who hinted the program that won 13 games in 2006, 2008 and 2009—and lost only 10 games from 2005-09—was flawed beyond the unsuspecting eye.

Now those issues have surfaced for all to see. Left in the wake of Meyer’s resignation were problems that can destroy a coaching career: drug use among players, a philosophy of preferential treatment for certain players, a sense of entitlement among all players and roster management by scholarship manipulation.

The coach who holds himself above the seedy underbelly of the game, who as an ESPN television analyst in 2011 publicly berated the ills of college football, left a program mired in the very things he has criticized.

Go back to my earlier statement about blatant hypocrisy.  Meyer is bordering on being the guy who kills his parents, then begs for mercy because he is a orphan.

Ironically, Florida’s downfall began at the height of Meyer’s success—the 2008 national championship season. Three seasons of enabling and pandering to elite players—what Meyer’s players called his “Circle of Trust”—began to tear away at what he’d put together.

“I’ve never heard of Circle of Trust before in my life,” Meyer said.

Former players, though, contend it was the foundation of Florida’s culture under Meyer. In the season opener against Hawaii, Meyer said a few elite players (including wideout Percy Harvin, linebacker Brandon Spikes and tight end Aaron Hernandez) would miss the game with injuries. According to multiple sources, the three players—all critical factors in Florida’s rise under Meyer—failed drug tests for marijuana and were sitting out as part of standard university punishment.

By publicly stating the three were injured and not being disciplined, former players say, Meyer was creating a divide between the haves and have-nots on the team.

There’s almost no better way to destroy a team than by playing favorites. But so many coaches do it because it solves short-term problems despite the fact that it creates far more long-term ones.  It sure looks like Meyer bailed when the long-term problems outweighed his ability to deal with them.  Not only that, does anybody else see the coincidence that Meyer got the hell out of Gainesville once Nick Saban rejuvenated Alabama, which had to suck a lot of the oxygen out of the room in the recruiting world of the SEC? But let’s get back to the destruction of a team mindset…

The biggest impact, former players say, was for those in the Circle of Trust. It wasn’t so much a focus on trust as it was a revelation of talent. If you could play and contribute, you were part of the chosen few.

“(Meyer) lost the team’s respect,” Thomas said. “That kind of stuff spreads through the players. They see what they can get away with, and they push it. Even the star players; they liked him because they were in the Circle of Trust. But it backfired on him. They didn’t respect him.”

Said Meyer: “Was I dealing with entitlement issues? Yes. But they were great kids. If they weren’t, I would’ve gotten rid of them.”

This begs the question “What do you do with the guys on the outside looking in?”

One way of ridding a program of undesirables is roster management. Recruiting is the lifeblood of all programs. A direct correlation exists between winning at recruiting and winning on fall Saturdays.

Few do it better than Meyer. Few are as ruthless when it comes to recruiting—and when it comes to making room for recruits. Thomas was a four-star recruit from Zephyrhills, Fla., and had a series of knee injuries hinder his development.

After the 2008 season, Thomas says he was told he had to “move on” because he wasn’t in the team’s plans for 2009.

“I told (Meyer) I was on track to graduate, I wasn’t a problem and I did everything I was supposed to do—I just had a knee injury,” Thomas said. “I told them I wasn’t leaving, and if they tried to force me to leave, I was going to tell everyone everything.”

The next day, Thomas says he was given a medical hardship letter by position coach Chuck Heater stating Thomas had an injury that would prohibit him from playing football. The medical hardship scholarship doesn’t count against the NCAA limit of 85, and allows the affected player to stay on academic scholarship.

It also made room for another recruit. Meyer denied this tactic of roster management.

What a liar. I’ve been in management and business for close to twenty years, and I will tell you as a matter of fact that “roster management” is part and parcel to leading any team, whether you are running a supermarket or a football team. Where Meyer went wrong is he based his “weed-out” criteria on the wrong things.

Now, the question becomes how does this travel north to Columbus?

Before he walked on the field this spring to coach his first practice at Ohio State, Meyer ran into two more significant problems.

According to sources, Wisconsin accused Meyer and his staff of using former Ohio State NFL players to call high school recruits. Wisconsin also accused Meyer and his staff of bumping into offensive lineman Kyle Dodson, who was committed to the Badgers but eventually flipped and signed with the Buckeyes. The practice of “bumping” occurs when coaches accidentally “bump” into players during recruiting dead periods.

Both the alleged phone calls and bumping are NCAA violations.

When asked about the specific charges, Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema declined comment but told Sporting News a day after National Signing Day that, “I wasn’t upset with Urban because of a gentlemen’s agreement. It was something else that I don’t want to get into. I told him what I knew, and he said he would take care of it and he did.”

Frankly, there’s far more in this article from the Sporting News, and it links to much, much more.  More importantly, places like Ohio State and Florida have been the churches of college football for decades, and guys like Urban Meyer are the popes. But like the Catholic Church, the game of college football has some serious problems which need to be addressed.  To fix them is going to take more than prayer; we need a Crusade.





Trash -Talking the 2012 Sweet Sixteen

21 03 2012

Now that  my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, and now that my teams are out, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a profanity-filled triade about shit I don’t like. And since I can’t like this tournament anymore…

In alpha-suck-abetical order:

Baylor

When the hell did Baylor start to mean anything in college sports? Whatever happened to the good old days when Baylor was just the “free square” in the bingo card that was the Big 12 schedule? I blame women’s basketball; after they gave up immolating religious whackos, that was the first sport anybody in Waco anybody paid any attention to until a few years ago, and it’s only gotten worse now that Joakim Noah plays for their womens’ team.

Cincinnati

If I were a doctor and were going to give the state of Ohio an enema, Cincinnati is where I would stick the nozzle.  What amazes me is that this miasma of suck has two universities, and both of them got into the Sweet Sixteen (more on that later).  Shit-cinnati is a subtle blend of all that is wrong with city-living and all the suck that bucolic splendor brings. Want to know what walking down a street in downtown Cincinnati is like? Dress all the zombies from “The Walking Dead” in Ohio State shirts, Bengals hats, all in various states of filth and mis-sized. If you get past this parade of freaks who will attempt to panhandle you to death, you get the upscale Cincinnatians who are all rude and pretentious just because they have reservations at the “Steak and Shake” that has tablecloths.

Florida

I think the above photo says it all.  That’s the university president.

Indiana

I know this may be hard for anybody under 50 to realize, but there was a time within the last 30 years where a college basketball team in Indiana could actually win something. Obviously, that was never Purdue or Notre Dame , and it got so bad in the land of basketball people were actually rooting for Butler…fucking Butler. Calling Butler “real college basketball” is like calling a hot dog “real meat.” Now that Indiana is back in the Sweet Sixteen for the first time in a decade, every in-bred slackjaw south of Fort Wayne is resplendent in his IU 1981 NCAA Champs t-shirt that he wore while doing a lube job on his 1985 Ford pick-up truck, because nothing hides your sister-mom’s DNA like a few quarts of Quaker State.

Kansas

The fundamental problem is that Kansas fans believe that they should win every single year, and when the Jayhawks don’t, their fans cocoon themselves in this layer of false history.  Jayhawk fans think the entire sport is their birthright; that its history is proprietary to Kansas simply because their legendary coach Phog Allen was rumored to be Dr. James Naismith’s gay lover.  To understand this fraudulent nature, let’s break down that history they love so damn much. First of all, while Naismith was the inventor of basketball, he didn’t invent it in Kansas. Do you know what did get invented in Kansas? Shooting people over slavery. But that’s not as “feel-good” as believing your basketball team is historically elite.

Kentucky

It says all you need to know about Kentucky to notice this is a program which replaced Tubby Smith with Billy Gillespie, then replaced him with career criminal John “Don’t Drop the Soap” Calipari. Think about that; this is a program so myopic they dumped the last guy to win anything for them and ultimately ended up with a guy who has managed to make Final Four appearances disappear at  two different schools because of NCAA violations. Despite the fact that other than last year, they hadn’t earned a trip to the Final Four in thirteen years, UK fans still believe they are relevant, and will continue to think that even after this season inevitably gets wiped off the books.  It must be a great time for bail bondsmen in Lexington.

Louisville

Dear Residents of Louisville,

Let me explain to you why nobody has any respect for your city.  First of all, to be a world-class city, you have to settle on a standard pronunciation. You would never see a sign the like the one above in a real city. Secondly, you keep describing your city as the “capital of Kentuckiana.” If it weren’t bad enough there is no such place, you’ve created one out of the two worst parts of two of the worst states in America. Combining Indiana with Kentucky is like joining infected, oozing hemmorhoids with a bowel obstruction.

Now, let’s talk about this basketball team for minute, shall we? Somebody in Louisville needs to tell Rick Pitino that coaching basketball in Kentucky in a building called the KFC Yum! Center while wearing white suits is just begging for “Colonel Sanders” jokes…and having a bird mascot doesn’t help.  I’ll get you started – “Cardinal basketball – a special blend of eleven secret fouls and turnovers.”

Marquette

Since Marquette is a catholic school in Wisconsin, insert your own “alcoholic pedophile” joke here.  That also means they really aren’t worth thinking about,  so here’s exactly what I said about them last year. I think you will find it is all pretty much still true.

This place ought to be renamed The University of Gutless.  Marquette’s basketball team used to be known as the Warriors, until every member of their board of trustees grew multiple vaginas and decided AGAINST the will of the student body and the alumni that the nickname was “insensitive to Native Americans.” Of course, this completely ignores the fact that a “warrior” is defined as a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate combatant class. There’s a whole range of cultures to which that applies, ranging from the Bushido Samurai to the Spartans. Yet, the pointy-heads at Marquette decided it could only apply to those who when they cash their government checks get blind-drunk on the “firewater,” then build casinos.

This begs another important question. Since when does the Catholic Church give a flying fuck about political correctness? Don’t forget that Marquette is a Jesuit school, and the Jesuits aren’t just garden-variety papists; they are the Waffen-SS of Catholicism. They can show up in any diocese and do whatever the hell they want, and the local bishop can’t say shit to them. In other words, these aren’t exactly the guys who cower at a bunch of soccer moms who think “we might be being mean to the Indians.”

If that weren’t enough, the Catholic Church as a whole isn’t exactly the “canary in the coal mine” when it comes to being sensitive to public opinion.  In fact, their only recent change on the position of contraception is it is acceptable to use a condom only when the altar boy has diarrhea.

Michigan State

Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the Big Twelevten in this tournament; Wisconsin, Ohio State, Indiana, and Sparty.   They all really do the same thing. They get into the tournament, and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Kentucky.  But Michigan State deserves a special layer of scorn and derision as they aren’t even an original member of the Big Tweleveten. They didn’t join until 1949 when it was still known as Michigan State Sit When You Pee College and Tire Care Center.

North Carolina

Once again, I will quote the good people at Deadspin since I can’t improve on the accuracy of their assesment.

No school has benefited more from having an archrival who happens to be even more haughty and douchetastic. I’m onto you, Tarheels. You think just because you hate Duke that you can sneak by without anyone hating your fucking guts. But you are WRONG. But the truth is that, if Duke didn’t exist, YOU would be Duke. You’d be the most hated program in the country, what with your gross sense of entitlement and Dickie V lapping up Roy Williams’ seminal fluid like it’s cereal milk. You people owe Duke a steak dinner for covering up so much of what makes you despicable.

FACT: Every three seconds, a person in the North Carolina wilderness is being raped. I drove through the state once, and you see the forests on the side of the road and you just know, twenty feet in, someone has a penis inside them that they don’t want inside them. North Carolina is also the only state where it’s legal to rape someone and fish at the same time.

North Carolina State

Thanks to the fact that Georgetown’s John Thompson III is one of the shittiest tournament coaches in the history of shitty tournament coaches, I’m going to have to re-live this moment about a bazillion times between now and the time NC State wakes up and remembers they are NC State. 1983 was almost 30 years ago, Jim Valvano is dead, so is Lorenzo Charles, and NC State is still the school people only go to when they can’t get into to Appalachian State.

Ohio

According to the good folks at Listverse, Ohio University is the most haunted university in the country.

This should not be a surprise. It is well known and documented that Ohio University is perhaps one of the most haunted places in the world. From ghost teachers that talk to students, sounds and voices heard in sealed rooms, to an entire ghost basketball team, this campus is truly full of haunts. Nearly every single building on campus has at least one ghost associated with it. In a place literally full of ghosts, one manages to stand out among the rest. Wilson Hall is said to be one of the most haunted buildings in the United States, and was featured in the TV series “Scariest Places on Earth”. A female student practicing satanic rituals supposedly died violently in room 428. While this story has no real backing, what is true is that school officials have closed and sealed the room because no student could live in it peacefully. Voices are heard throughout the halls, doors lock and unlock, open and close on their own, and ghostly figures wander the building. The building is also dead center of a pentagram formed by five cemeteries which surround the campus. Rumor has it that this building itself was built on top of an old mental hospital cemetery, however this was proven to be untrue.

So in other words, this university has a student body that gets wigged out by the same kind of faux spooks that even Shaggy and Scooby-Doo could figure out in under 30 minutes. Perhaps this means we will see Daphne and Velma on the court for the Bobcats come this weekend.

Ohio State

Even though he was  a football guy, nobody was a more loyal Buckeye than Kirk Herbstreit, and even he was giving double-birds out the window on his way out the the shit-hole formerly known as Columbus.  In other words, even he had to split town because he only fellated the statue of Woody Hayes once a day rather than the expected thrice. This is exactly the problem with Buckeye fans; they have so little else that unless you swear your undying devotion and back it up on an hourly basis, they declare you a heretic and kill your house pets. In all honesty, the best description I’ve ever read about Ohio came from the good people at Deadspin:

“We make fun of Ohio here at Deadspin an awful lot, and with good reason. If you placed an electrified cupcake in the center of the state, half the population would be dead by morning. And the other half would be asking for extra sprinkles.”

What else can you say? These are the people who expect perfection while investing only idiocy; the kind of people who try to “return” foster children after they’ve raped them. Buckeye fans belong in that same circle of hell reserved for pederasts, people who run scams on the elderly, and deadbeat fathers.

Syracuse

Syracuse fans are always bitching because they feel they never get any respect. Half the time, they don’t deserve it, like when they kept trying to tell me Gerry McNamara was the best scorer in college basketball. The other half of the time they spend missing the point; like during all that McNamara twaddle they forgot they had Carmelo Anthony.

Then there’s this year.  First, longtime assistant and Jim Boeheim’s right-hand man Bernie Fine was accused of sexually molesting two young boys.  To top that off, it seems Fine’s wife may or may not have slept with players while they were members of the team.  Then it was revealed that the school violated its own drug policy and that the school may or may not have reported it to the NCAA years ago.  And if that weren’t enough, Fab Melo was ruled out of the tournament because may or may not have been academically eligible this semester.

Despite all that Syracuse, makes the big dance as a #1 seed, and advances to the sweet sixteen. The fun part: Earlier this season,  when Syracuse was #1 in the AP poll they received 61 out of 65 first-place votes, and Syracuse fans, after all the shit that team had been through, did nothing but bitch about the four writers who didn’t vote Syracuse first.

Fuck Syracuse.

Wisconsin

As long as the state of Wisconsin exists, R.J. Reynolds will never go broke since they own Kraft Foods, Miller Beer and Marlboro cigarettes, which happen to be the three dietary staples in America’s Dairyland. Sconnies drink and smoke on an Olympic level because Wisconsin basketball is to watch four sausage-fed forwards and one guard who doesn’t play like Herman Munster.  It’s hard to watch, hence the Wiscy-level of drinking, which easily can put even the most moonshine-riddled southern peckerwood to shame.  If you see a Badger fan on the street, crash him over the head with the nearly-empty whiskey bottle he’s carrying and bring him to the local hospital for a liver transplant. He will need it, trust me.

Xavier

Here’s a fun, yet useless fact I’ve been hearing all day: there are as many schools from the city of Cincinnnati (2) left in the tournament as there are from either the SEC (2), Big 12 (2), or ACC (2).  Here a more accurate statement. There are as many teams from those conferences that anybody gives a shit about as there are from the entire state of Ohio. Whats’ funny is that at the beginning of the season, Xavier and Cincinnati got into a brawl in a game for intra-city bragging rights. This is like two bums fighting over the least piss-stained raincoat at the Salvation Army.

-Dubsism is a proud member of Sports Blog Movement





Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Spurrier Urban Wiley

14 12 2011

Certain people should never be allowed to have children. While there are many types, today we need to discuss those who name their kids after football coaches. If for no other reason, those kids have no future.  The following story more than illustrates that.

When Urban Meyer decided to take the Ohio State job less than a year after retiring from Florida, many Gator fans were upset with their former coach. But few more so than Jen Wiley, who named her son after Urban because of her and her husband’s allegiance to Florida.

Wiley’s son, now 4 years old, is actually named Spurrier Urban Wiley, after Florida’s two national championship winning coaches — Steve Spurrier and Meyer — but after Meyer’s move to the Big Ten, Wiley wants to change her son’s middle name.

“My husband and I got married in 1996, when Spurrier won the championships,” she said, “and then we conceived in 2006 when Urban Meyer won the championship.”

It was a seemingly perfect fit for these Florida fanatics, until now. So mom’s ready for a change.

OK, so mom decides because Urban Meyer moved on, it is time to double-down on the mistake she made naming the kid in the first place.  Let’s take a look at what that means…

1) Mom has a weak sense of commitment

First of all, there’s almost no chance this kids’ parents remain married until he reaches adulthood. Mom is out the door the first time Dad farts during dinner. Not to mention, what’s Mom going to do the first time the kid pisses her off? Shoot him?

2) Mom has a warped sense of gratitude

Urban Meyer did all he was going to do at Florida. Instead of being grateful for what he did, this particular Gator fan is bitter that it was time for him to move on. What did she want Meyer to do? Have some early success , then spend two decades as mushroom on the sideline a la Bobby Bowden?

3) Mom missed a major point

There’s a reason why one should wait until a person is dead before you start naming things after them. The story nailed the reason specific to this case.

Raise your hand if you thought Meyer was going to stay retired. Anyone? Anyone? Coaches lie, they change their minds, they switch jobs. The best thing fans can do is not get too emotional and name their kids after them.

So, what is Mom’s solution?

“I want to change his middle name,” she said…If he does, she’s thinking Tim after Tim Tebow, the great Gator quarterback who is becoming a star in the NFL.

Perfect…nothing like illustrating your weak sense of commitment by replacing the name of a coach with that of a current fad.

My sympathies are with you, Spurrier Urban Wiley, or whatever your name will end up being.  Not only did your mother give you a name which guarantees at least half the state of Florida will want to beat your ass on daily basis, she’s going to use you as her own personal platform.

Nothing like being only 4 years old when you realize you are screwed.





Trash-Talking the 2011 Top 25

2 09 2011

Because we are into the greatest 12 weekends of the year, it is also time to remind some people of just who they are. In other words, we are taking the pre-season Dubsism Top 25 and reminding them that they suck. Let’s be honest, a big part of college football is trash-talking. This is exactly why I intend to go through the Top 25 and say awful things about every team and state involved.

1) Alabama

It has to pretty obvious when even Auburn fans get it.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Bear Bryant is dead, and it is high time you assholes quit running around in those houndstooth hats.

More importantly, with all the schools now getting caught for (insert NCAA violation here) it really just has to be a matter of time before Alabama gets caught (again).  It’s been a program so dirty Mike Rowe should be investigating it.

2) Oklahoma

If the world of college football were a bunch of children, Oklahoma would be the one you tell its OK to take candy from strangers. There really is nothing quite like the crap OU fans will put you through as they are reminding you what a storied program the Sooners are. Of course, they generally have to do this after Oklahoma’s most recent choke-job against (insert lousy Big 12 doormat here or crushing bowl game loss here).

3)  Oregon

Ten years ago, you didn’t need to pay attention to this team and its seizure-inducing uniforms.  Now, since they’ve made it a point to recruit every Los Angeles street thug even USC won’t touch, we have to hear about them every year. Thankfully, now they’ve scheduled a real game in September, so hopefully we won’t need to hear about how great they are just because they can handle Washington State. Seriously, if you are going to pay to illegally obtain recruiting film, do it so you can beat somebody worthwhile.

4) Wisconsin

As long as the state of Wisconsin exists, R.J. Reynolds will never go broke since they own Kraft Foods, Miller Beer and Marlboro cigarettes, which happen to be the three dietary staples in America’s Dairyland.

Honestly, Wisconsin is like Penn State and the SEC had an illegitimate child. Joe Paterno himself couldn’t construct a better offense based on gargantuan, sausage-fed offensive lineman and a bruising running back who eats contact like candy. Then, their is the Wiscy-level of drinking, which easily can put even the most moonshine-riddled southern peckerwood to shame.

5)  LSU

LSUcks. I mean, they’ve won two titles in the last decade, but neither should count. The first was just Nick SabaNazi splitting the love with Petey Cheaty TrojanFace and the second was beating arguably the most over-rated (and by “over-rated” I also mean “terrible,” and by that I mean “Ohio State”) teams ever allowed in a BCS Title game. Not to mention Les Miles is a complete mental case.

6) Nebraska

What ever happened to Lawrence Philips?

Where do I start? First of all, there is the fact that finally this team is in a real conference, which means they get to go somewhere more interesting than the land of endless Kansas they’ve been imprisoned in for decades. Nothing can improve your situation more than never having to go to Kansas ever again.

Plus I still think  Big Tweleveten should have deferred Nebraska’s admittance until they specifically defined what a “Cornhusker” really is. I’ve been told it is just a guy who beats off in a cornfield a lot, and I just don’t think that is appropriate.  Not to mention it totally changes my view of “popcorn.”

Oh, and Tom Osborne molests collies.

7) Florida State

What can you say about an institution that makes the University of Florida look good? Florida State is the “strip mall” of universities, and it is exactly that level of non-sophistication which makes it perfect for Tallahassee, which is actually the capital city of Lower Alabamida.

8 ) Boise State

I’m so tired of this team. They’ve been playing this “David” bit against everybody else’s Goliath, and I’m totally over it. This is a team that has been living off that Fiesta Bowl win over Oklahoma a few years back, and they haven’t won anything meaningful since.  Join a real conference and play a real schedule, otherwise you are just a western Notre Dame.

9) Stanford

How can anybody have any respect for a school which is supposed to be full of the uber-smart, yet it can’t even figure out its own mascot.  The nickname is the Cardinal, not the bird or the pope-in-training, but the color.  Somehow, this color is represented by an ass-eating tree.  No wonder I weep for the future of this country.

10) Oklahoma State

You almost want to feel sorry for Oklahoma State…almost. The only people who go to Oklahoma State are the ones who couldn’t get into Oklahoma. That’ s gotta hurt all by itself; it’s like going to Costco because you couldn’t even get a membership at Sam’s Club. Worse yet, imagine having to deal with that kind of rejection while living in Stillwater. Even people in Tulsa think  Stillwater sucks.

Oklahoma State fans think somehow the success of their basketball team means anything to football fans. Their chants at football games are generally some unintelligent ramblings about the other teams love for male genitalia.  Of course, the hoards of douchebag fans which inhabit Stillwater have nothing but time to be so creative as the average OSU female tends to prefer female genitalia. This is why it is metaphysical certitude one of them will start carving up hookers and dumping them under T. Boone Pickens Stadium.

11) South Carolina

How is this not South Carolina's mascot?

Gamecocks… What else do I need to say? The jokes write themselves. Feel free to contribute your own.

12) Texas A&M

Legend has it that the “A&M” in Texas A&M used to stand for “All-Male.”  We’ve also noticed the” aTm” on the Aggies helmets represents a particularly nasty acronym, and I don’t mean “at the moment.”   I’m just sayin’…

13) Virginia Tech

Virginia Tech football is so boring, occasionally they will provide somebody who will shoot you in the head.

It used to be that Virginia Tech was the poster child for over-rated, waste-of-time East Coast football. Then Virginia Tech and Miami joined the ACC supposedly forming a superconference. That idea got so screwed up I’m surprised Barack Obama wasn’t involved in it.  But since they are on the East Coast this team for some  reason is always a “dark horse” national title contender. Tech is good for 10 painfully boring wins and an equally boring bowl victory. Honestly, watching a Virginia Tech game is like watching ice melt, except not as exciting.

14) Arkansas

There’s being a fan; then there’s going too far. Somehow you just know this is less about “supporting the team” and more about greasing the railsl for a serious discussion with the family about Daddy’s transvestism.

15) TCU

TCU sucks, which is likely more than you say about these girls.

Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet.  All this really accomplishes is to see which Christian Texas asshole school gets to lay claim to cookware. Big deal. What should really play happen is BYU should play Notre Dame every year so we can see which Christian asshole school won’t be a BCS buster.

16) USC

To see the source of this picture, look up "smarmy assloaf" in your dictionary.

From Merriam-Websters:

scha·den·freu·de

  • noun, often capitalized \ˈshä-dən-ˌfrȯi-də\
  • Definition of SCHADENFREUDE: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others
  • Origin of SCHADENFREUDE: German, from Schaden “damage” + Freude “joy”
  • First Known Use: 1895

I’m going to enjoy this so much…words can’t describe how much I hate Lane Kiffin. He’s college football’s equivalent to that kid at your office who only has the job because he’s somebody nephew or frat brother or some other connection which has absolutely nothing to do with his crushing incompetence.  I can’t even begin to describe how fun it is going to be watching this pompous pseudo-fruit hurtle over the NCAA cliff.  I hope the they find out all the crap he did at Tennessee, then I hope they find more stuff he did at USC, then I hope they ban him from the game.

That won’t happen, but it would be fun to see Kiffin’s slime trail return USC to the Paul Hackett era, when the Trojans couldn’t beat TCU in the Sun Bowl.  God, what a sweet time that was.

17) Ohio State

I should leave this section blank, because I was really raised to believe that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. But if I were to do that, then this whole article would be blank. What else can you say about Ohio, a state where the rivers catch fire and sodomizing a relative is considered a proper form of greeting? Seriously, Ohio is the reason why “To Catch A Predator” exists; 8 Saturdays a year 100,000 Buckeyes cram themselves into Ohio Stadium, which is the anus of the Big Ten. The best thing I can say about Ohio is somehow it manages to let those hillbilly dipshits from the SEC have self-esteem.

18) Michigan State

Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the Big Twelevten teams who aren’t Wisconsin, Ohio State, or Penn State.  They all really do the same thing. They become bowl-eligible, and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Mississippi State “We Both Humped Our Sisters, But Our Accents Are Weirder” Bowl.  What makes Michigan State different is their coach who enjoys having heart-attacks after game winning field goals.

19) Auburn

Auburn has a long tradition of hiring mouth-breathers as coaches. There was the runt of the Bowden litter, then there was “Dumbo” Tuberville, and now there’s Gene Chizik. Chizik is an over-hyped bag of guts, which is perfect for a school full of frauds, closet racists, and over-inflated egos. Honestly, all that separates Auburn from being a southern-fried Notre Dame is the dark and barbarous Catholic Church.

20) Mississippi State

If you can’t play football, at least give us slutty, naked cheerleaders. This marks Mississippi State’s first measure of relevance in nearly a century.

21) Missouri

Don’t be mislead by the production, this isn’t a book, it’s a pamphlet. You can’t fill a whole book with “Be ranked until you play Oklahoma.”

22) Georgia

There’s a reason why they call it “UGAy.” Seriously, it doesn’t take much to figure out all those good, ol’ boys at Sanford Stadium secretly bat for the other team. After all, it was a dead give away when we noticed they love to wind down after their annual “Queer Beating” by doing the world’s biggest “elephant walk.” At least they aren’t playing “soggy biscuit” anymore…I think.  Not to mention “Deliverance” was set in Georgia. I wonder if Georgia football makes Ned Beatty clinch up just a  little.

23) Florida

If your bedroom looks like this, you will never have sex.

Gainesville represents the epicenter of culture in Florida, which means they have log sculptures of Tim Tebow and they change the urinal cakes at the stadium once a season.

24) Penn State

There is a rule out that says you can’t say anything bad about Joe Paterno, because he is the dean of college football. He is 643 years old, which is why he doesn’t seem to have the sense of urgency needed to beat a bunch of nipple-gummers like Iowa or Ohio State. The last time he had a sense of urgency was when he ran off the field to take a dump a few years ago.  It matters little as he will win more Big Tweleveten titles, even if it means we see a robotic JoePa patrolling the sidelines of State College.

25) Arizona State

These two tongue-lappers are a perfect representation of Arizona State. First, since they know they have been passed by Mississippi State on the slutty cheerleader scale, they get desperate for attention. This is the only reason girls like this make out with each other; so you’ll see past their sluttiness because they know every straight guy in America has that “two chicks” fantasy. The problem is they rarely will go all the way, much like Sun Devil football hasn’t seen a Rose Bowl since Jake “the Snake” Plummer.





Trash-Talking the Sweet Sixteen

24 03 2011

Now that  my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, and now that my teams are out, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a profanity-filled triade about shit I don’t like. And since I can’t like this tournament anymore…

VCU:

Know what a “VCU” is? Fifteen years ago, it was that machine my post-stroke grandmother thought played movies, but instead constantly blinked “12:00,” as if it were mocking her inability to drool out “VCR.”Worse yet, if you make the mistake of asking anybody at VCU what that acronym actually means, you will get a 25-minute lecture on how the “C” stands for “Commonwealth,” because Virginia is technically a “commonwealth” and not a “state.” Of course, the people who say that are simply trying to pretend they don’t go a state school that by law has to admit every resident mouth-breather who can drop a Skoal-loogie on the correct spot on the application.

Wrong one...you're thinking of Virginia TECH.

Richmond:

Here’s a fun, yet useless fact I’ve been hearing all week: there are as many schools from Richmond, VA in the tournament as there are from the whole Big East (2). Here’s a more accurate statement. There are as many teams from Richmond that anybody gives a shit about as there are from the whole Big East (0).

Ooooh, spiders...I'm soooo scared.

Besides, how can anybody have any respect for a team whose mascot John Goodman knew how to eliminate 20 years ago?

Butler:

Thanks to the movie “Hoosiers,” Larry Fucking Bird, and now you assholes, everybody thinks any little piss-ant school from Indiana means something when it comes to basketball. Let’s do a rundown of the D-I basketball schools from Hoosierland and you tell me which ones matter.

  • Butler – A private, liberal arts college which is best-known for its dance program. This means there are two types of Butler students: meth heads whose daddies have too much money for Indiana State, and Daddy’s Little Fruitcup who will spend four years auditioning for “So You Think You Can Dance?”
  • Indiana – The school that brought you both the burly,  masculine assholery of Bobby Knight and the sheer once-a-month-crampy bitchiness of Myles Brand.  Once a proud program, but hasn’t been relevant in nearly a decade.
  • Purdue – Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, was a Purdue alum. This shows how far people will go to get the fuck out of West Lafayette.
  • Notre Dame – A great school with a great tradition, especially if you want to be gang-raped by drunken football players or sent careening to your death off a 70-foot scissor lift. If you happen to get gang-raped while falling off a scissor-lift, you will be honored by having your name etched on one of the mosaic tiles that forms “Touchdown Jesus’” ball-sack.
  • Indiana State – Located in beautiful Terre Haute, ISU competes for local talent along with two prisons and a mental institution. This is precisely why if you want to major in schizophrenia, meth production, or pumping out bastard children, ISU is for you.
  • Ball State – Too easy…Insert your own joke here. Better make sure those jokes are funny, because this walk-in VD clinic school has produced such comedy titans as Jim Davis, Joyce DeWitt, and David Letterman (who was funny once, but not since the Civil War).
  • Evansville – Another small liberal arts college; this one is known for its physical therapy and theatre departments. So, when the therapist who is helpinbg you after your stroke insists on putting his thumb in your ass, chances are he went to Evansville.
  • Valparaiso – Not even people who live in Valparaiso can tell you where the hell the campus is, and they sure as hell can’t tell you why it even exists.

Connecticut:

Can somebody explain to me why people in this town think women’s basketball is such a great thing? Between these assholes and those shit-eating, inbred, hillbillies in Knoxville who think Pat Summitt is actually a woman, they have convinced a disturbingly large enough segment of the sports-watching population that womens’ basketball ISN’T a bunch of six-and-a-half foot tall lesbians who can’t play basketball while looking like a boys’ high-school team somebody cut the nuts off of five years ago.

Wisconsin:

Do you know why Wisconsin is home to so many  great serial killers? Because somehow Wisconsinites have taken two great things like sports and booze and managed to completely fuck them up. As far as the University of Wisconsin is concerned, the sport they really are the best at is hockey, which is why they play every other sport like the are on the ice. Badger football is like an old-school NHL game; they get a big offensive line and just beat you into the boards for sixty minutes, Bucky hoop is like watching that adapted version of floor hockey they let the retarded kids play; lots of passes so bad they look like shots, and shots so bad they look like passes. Even the girls teams only change their pads every three periods.

Worse yet is their coach, Bo Ryan. Now that Bruce Pearl is toast at Tennessee, Ryan is the only guy left who makes it a point to color coordinate his blazers in some awful school color. This is a fact only made worse by his extreme resemblance to a modern-art nightmare.

BYU:

You know what the worst part of this college basketball season was? It wasn’t the fact that somehow you turned some nearly-albino virgin kid into the biggest white-guy basketball sensation outside of Duke. It was the fact that I had to defend your silly-ass honor code. I don’t have a beef with your having an honor code. I don’t even have a beef with you kicking that kid off the team over violating it. He knew the drill when he signed up, nobody put a gun to his head when he made the commitment to follow it, and nobody forced him to stick his dick in his girlfriend and screw his teammates by breaking the commitment he voluntarily made.

But what pisses me off to no end is the fact that you as a university made it a point to run out in front of the press and shout this story from the mountain top.  You didn’t have to tell the whole world the story; there’s some real honor in keeping “family business” inside the family. Instead, you decided you needed to show the whole world how honorable you are through humiliating this kid needlessly by putting his business in the street, and for that I offer you my heartiest of FUCK YOUs.

Marquette:

This place ought to be renamed The University of Gutless.  Marquette’s basketball team used to be known as the Warriors, until every member of their board of trustees grew multiple vaginas and decided AGAINST the will of the student body and the alumni that the nickname was “insensitive to Native Americans.” Of course, this completely ignores the fact that a “warrior” is defined as a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate combatant class. There’s a whole range of cultures to which that applies, ranging from the Bushido Samurai to the Spartans. Yet, the pointy-heads at Marquette decided it could only apply to those who when they cash their government checks get blind-drunk on the “firewater,” then build casinos.

This begs another important question. Since when does the Catholic Church give a flying fuck about political correctness? Don’t forget that Marquette is a Jesuit school, and the Jesuits aren’t just garden-variety papists; they are the Waffen-SS of Catholicism. They can show up in any diocese and do whatever the fuck they want, and the local bishop can’t say shit to them. In other words, these aren’t exactly the guys who cower at a bunch of soccer moms who think “we might be being mean to the Indians.”

If that weren’t enough, the Catholic Church as a whole isn’t exactly the “canary in the coal mine” when it comes to being sensitive to public opinion.  In fact, their only recent change on the position of contraception is it is acceptable to use a condom only when the altar boy has diarrhea.

Florida State:

Dear ACC,

You should be fucking embarrassed that a low-rent school like this represents your sorry-ass conference. With all the blather you spew about what  “hallowed” basketball institutions other members like Duke and North Carolina are, you have the unmitigated gall to subject us to the likes of the Seminoles. What can you say about Florida State that can’t be summed up in the phrase “FSU: The strip mall of universities.”

Florida:

If it weren’t for Florida State, Florida would be the Sunshine State’s’ supposedly “academic” collection Kool-Aid and cheap vodka drinkers, jean-short wearers, and hillbilly rapists.  If you’ve ever been to UF, then you know exactly what the statement “It took Tallahassee to make Gainesville look good” means.

Kansas:

I used to have nothing good to say about Kansas until I read that one of their state legislators actually proposed controlling the illegal immigrant population in the same manner they use for feral hogs; picking them off with rifles from helicopters. Once you get past the monstrous racism in that comment, you are struck with the realization that even its crushing stupidity, this represents a “man landing on the moon” advance in Kansan-type thinking. The only thing that is funnier is the people who think this guy gives Kansans a bad name; like they didn’t already have one.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure Bill Self molests collies.

Ohio State:

Even though he was  a football guy, nobody was a more loyal Buckeye than Kirk Herbstreit, and even he was giving double-birds out the window on his way out the the shit-hole formerly known as Columbus.  In other words, even he had to split town because he only fellated the statue of Woody Hayes once a day rather than the expected thrice. This is exactly the problem with Buckeye fans; they have so little else that unless you swear your undying devotion and back it up on an hourly basis, they declare you a heretic and kill your house pets. In all honesty, the best description I’ve ever read about Ohio came from the good people at Deadspin:

“We make fun of Ohio here at Deadspin an awful lot, and with good reason. If you placed an electrified cupcake in the center of the state, half the population would be dead by morning. And the other half would be asking for extra sprinkles.”

What else can you say? These are the people who expect perfection while investing only idiocy; the kind of people who try to “return” foster children after they’ve raped them. Buckeye fans belong in that same circle of hell reserved for pederasts, people who run scams on the elderly, and deadbeat fathers.

Kentucky:

This was a "high-water mark" in the history of Kentucky cleverness.

Kentucky tears me. On the one hand, I believe Kentucky bourbon is the definition of “manna from heaven;” single drinking-handedly I’m probably 40% of the economy of the Bluegrass State. If you ever see me on one of those “Intervention” shows, dump your stock in Jim Beam.  Don’t wait to call your stock broker in the morning, break into his house that night and get your money the fuck out NOW. But on the other hand, when it comes to basketball, these people still revere that racist asshole Adolph Rupp. They ran Tubby Smith out of town for no real reason, and brought in a snail-trail-leaver like John Calipari. The person who roots for Kentucky basketball also likely roots for the New York Yankees, the bad guys from the “Karate Kid,” and Moammar Khadafy.

North Carolina:

Once again, I will quote the good people at Deadspin since I can’t improve on the accuracy of their assesment.

No school has benefited more from having an archrival who happens to be even more haughty and douchetastic. I’m onto you, Tarheels. You think just because you hate Duke that you can sneak by without anyone hating your fucking guts. But you are WRONG. But the truth is that, if Duke didn’t exist, YOU would be Duke. You’d be the most hated program in the country, what with your gross sense of entitlement and Dickie V lapping up Roy Williams’ seminal fluid like it’s cereal milk. You people owe Duke a steak dinner for covering up so much of what makes you despicable.

FACT: Every three seconds, a person in the North Carolina wilderness is being raped. I drove through the state once, and you see the forests on the side of the road and you just know, twenty feet in, someone has a penis inside them that they don’t want inside them. North Carolina is also the only state where it’s legal to rape someone and fish at the same time.

Duke:

At once, I agree with the above statement about North Carolina and yet need to infuse it with my own hatred of Duke.  Oh, Duke, how do I hate thee; let me count the ways. Here’s two good ones.

  • Mike Krzyzewski himself. I get that he is a disciple of Bobby Knight, but there is a major difference. It is one thing to be an asshole; it is an entirely other thing to spend thirty years hiding you are an asshole.
  • Duke pretends it is a great place to send your sheltered, privileged kids all while it is located in an exceptionally dangerous neighborhood.

San Diego State:

San Diego is a wonderful town, but there are two things about it you cant trust: mid-westerners who move to southern California thinking it is a panacea, and any of its sports teams. The common problem is the beach…there is no such thing as a town that has both a fierce sporting tradition and a desirable beach. The only exceptions are the Miami Dolphins of the early 70′s and the Los Angeles Lakers of forever, both of whom are/were supported largely by transplants from other locales who are old enough to where beaches just present a source of irritating sand in various artificial joints and/or ostomy ports.

As far as the midwesterners who make the “fantasy” move, I have far too many examples in my personal life from which to make examples, but all of them sound pretty much the same. The problem is that almost all of them will bitch if they think I’m talking about them, when in reality I don’t give a frog’s watertight ass about them, other than their stories are at the same time predictable and hilarious. These are almost like those “novels” you read as a kid that allowed you to pick your own ending, the trouble the story is fucked up to begin with. For example:

  • Boy meets girl in (insert midwestern state here)
  • Boy and girl decide for what ever reason to move to SoCal
  • The plan works for one and not the other
  • If the plan works for the boy, skip to page 32
  • If the plan works for the girl, skip to page 48

PAGE 32:

Boy somehow becomes successful and realizes he has an opportunity to trade up from midwestern girlfriend. He does so, and midwestern girlfriend goes back to (insert midwestern state here), gets some job that pays by the hour and eats her way into a subscription from the Lane Bryant catalog.

PAGE 48:

Girl falls into a pattern that starts with “look at how cool I am because I live in California” and ends with “I will out spend anybody to maintain my ‘look at how cool I am’ mindset.” Despite what she earns, she outspends it several-fold, until the boyfriend says ‘no mas’ and pulls the rip-cord. He heads back to (insert midwestern state here), while she now invests in a string of “relationships” all of which are designed to continue the life-style choices she has made.

PAGE END:

None of these douche-hammers give a shit about sports, which is why San Diego gets no fans for anything.





The Dubsism 2010-2011 College Football Bowl Matchups: How Wrong Our Predictions Were

8 12 2010

Bowl Championship Series:

BCS Championship:

  • Monday, January 10th; Glendale, Arizona;  University of Phoenix Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: #1 vs. #2
  • The Prediction: Alabama (SEC #1) vs. Ohio State (Big Ten #1)
  • The Actual Matchup: 1# Auburn (SEC#1) vs. Oregon (PAC-10 #1)
  • Payout: $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

First, the canned commentary:

This is the matchup that nearly everyone in the country wanted to see, and they’re getting their wish. Both teams will be putting their perfect records on the line in this matchup. Cam Newton—the nation’s top ranked passer and 15th best rusher—appears to be a lock for the Heisman trophy and will be leading the charge for Auburn.

LaMichael James—leads the nation in rushing—is another Heisman hopeful, who will be paired in the backfield with Oregon’s Darron Thomas. Thomas—who took over for Jeremiah Masoli at quarterback—has led the Ducks and their spread-option offense to one blowout win over another.

Expect nothing short of a shootout as both squads feature high-powered offenses that will be making multiple trips into the end zone on game day.

Now, the real commentary:

Auburn will win this game, and two years from now Oregon will be the BCS Champion when the Cam Newton thing finally hits resolution and Auburn has the title stripped.

Fiesta Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Glendale, Arizona;  University of Phoenix Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big 12 Champion/BCS vs. BCS At-Large
  • The Prediction: Texas (Big 12 #1) vs. Boise State (WAC #1)
  • The Actual Matchup: Oklahoma (Big 12 #1) vs. Connecticut (Big East #1)
  • Payout: $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

It might be more interesting to talk about the prediction that the actual matchup here. I don’t think we have ever picked at team to be in the BCS that didn’t even crack the 6-win bar of bowl eligibility.  Meanwhile, Boise State could have easily been in this game for the want of two lousy field goals. Instead, we get this complete and total mismatch.  Connecticut will be overmatched on nearly all fronts, and this should be a blowout win for Oklahoma.

But, how sweet would it be should the Sooners blow yet another bowl game?

Rose Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Pasadena, California; Rose Bowl
  • Matchup: Big Ten Champion/BCS vs. Pac-10 Champion/BCS
  • The Prediction: *Penn State (Big Ten #2) vs. Oregon (Pac-10 #1) * Penn State replaces the Big Ten Champion (Ohio State) which will be in BCS Championship
  • The Actual Matchup: Wisconsin (Big Ten #T-1) vs. TCU (MWC #1)
  • Payout : $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

Wisconsin has scored 70 points three times this season. Wisconsin is going to once and for all end this silly notion that a team that goes undefeated against a schedule full of Roast Beef State and South Southern Oklahoma Vo-Tech can be considered on the same plane with a program that deals with a conference where even the terrible teams are still big-time programs. Face it, if TCU played Purdue 10 times, TCU would lose at least four of those games. Just this year, TCU struggled to beat an Oregon State team that only won five games.

Orange Bowl:

  • Monday, January, 3rd; Miami, Florida; Dolphin Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: ACC Champion/BCS vs. BCS At-Large
  • The Prediction:  Georgia Tech (ACC #1) vs. Connecticut (Big East #1)
  • The Actual Matchup: Virginia Tech (ACC #1) vs. Stanford (Pac-10 #2)
  • Payout: $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

The Hokies usually don't need a shooter; they do it themselves.

Don’t look now, but in the last two seasons, Stanford has produced a Heisman runner-up (Toby Gerhart) and a lead-pipe cinch #1 overall draft pick (Andrew Luck). Couple that couple with the fact the Cardinal have taken on the identity of their pugnacious coach and have become a “smashmouth” team. This new-found toughness-meets-talent combination has Stanford ranked eighth in offense and eleventh in defense. This will prove to be too much for Virginia Tech, who will see an end to their 11-game winning streak.

Sugar Bowl:

  • Tuesday, January 4th; New Orleans, Louisiana; Superdome
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: SEC Champion/BCS vs. BCS At-Large
  • The Prediction: *Florida (SEC #2) vs. Utah (MWC #1) * Florida replaces the SEC Champion (Alabama) which will be in BCS Championship
  • The Actual Matchup: Arkansas (SEC #T-2) vs. Ohio State  (Big Ten #T-1)
  • Payout: $18,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

There’s one fact that tells this story.  Ohio State has a terrible  history against SEC teams in Bowl games (0-9).  That streak is going to continue.

Other:

Capital One Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Orlando, Florida;  Florida Citrus Bowl Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: SEC #2 vs. Big Ten #2
  • The Prediction: *LSU (SEC #3) vs. *Iowa (Big Ten #3) *LSU and Iowa are in this game as both #1 and #2 from the Big Ten and the SEC will be in the BCS.
  • The Actual Matchup: Alabama (SEC #5) vs. Michigan State (Big Ten T-1)
  • Payout: $4,250,000

The Silly Prediction:

Welcome to the Close, But No Cigar Bowl. The Alabama Crimson Tide are sure to be disappointed after watching their season take an unexpected turn after their second half meltdown against the Auburn Tigers.  Michigan State may not have made it into a BCS Bowl game, but they get the next best thing. The trouble is that Alabama is a fan base with larger expectations, and they will not accept losing to a “lesser” program. Alabama has everything to lose, which is why they will not lose.

Cotton Bowl Classic:

  • Friday, January 7th; Dallas, Texas; Cowboys Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big 12 #2 vs. SEC #3
  • The Prediction: Nebraska (Big 12 #2) vs. Mississippi (SEC #4)
  • The Actual Matchup: Texas A&M (Big 12 #5) vs. LSU (SEC #4)
  • Payout: $3,575,000

The Silly Prediction:

This is where disappointment meets surprise. LSU is disappointed about Arkansas killing their BCS hopes, while Texas A&M is surprised to be playing on New Year’s days rather than Texas. But the Aggies earned it; Texas A&M started the season slow, but they played strong in the second half which included a six-game winning streak. Two of those victories came against opponents ranked in the top 10.  Meanwhile, LSU found itself out of contention for a BCS Bowl game after losing to Arkansas; the Tigers’ offense is seriously inconsistent and quarterback Jordan Jefferson has led that poor play.  The Aggies should carry the day.

Insight Bowl:

  • Tuesday, December 28th; Tempe, Arizona; Sun Devil Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big 12 #4 vs. Big Ten #5
  • The Prediction: Oklahoma State (Big 12 #4) vs. Wisconsin (Big Ten #6)
  • The Actual Matchup: Missouri (Big 12 #4) vs. Iowa (Big Ten #4)
  • Payout: $3,325,000

The Silly Prediction:

Missouri is a pretender, but Iowa dropped their last three games and nearly lost to Indiana before that.  In a battle of the poser against the seemingly out-of-gas, look for Iowa to squeak by on fumes.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 31st; Atlanta, Georgia; Georgia Dome
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: ACC #2 vs. SEC #5
  • The Prediction: Virginia Tech (ACC #2) vs. Georgia (SEC #6)
  • The Actual Matchup: Florida State (ACC #2) vs. South Carolina (SEC #2)
  • Payout: $3,250,000 ACC; $2,400,000 SEC

The Silly Prediction:

Welcome to the Beavis and Butthead Bowl, because you can’t say “Seminoles” and “Cocks” in the same sentence without chuckling like an eighth-grade boy.  Both teams are coming off losses in conference championship games, and they both boast top-notch defenses. However, South Carolina features some potent offensive weapons; Marcus Lattimore will give Florida State a handful on the ground, while Ashlon Jeffrey will do the same through the air. Gamecocks will romp as they have something to prove after the beating they took from Auburn.

Outback Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Tampa, Florida; Raymond James Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big Ten #3 vs. SEC #4
  • The Prediction: Michigan State (Big Ten #4) vs. Auburn (SEC #5)
  • The Actual Matchup: Penn State (Big Ten #5) vs. Florida (SEC #7)
  • Payout $3,100,000

The Silly Prediction:


We’re not sure what to call this one…First of all, we are ignoring the whole “Urban Meyer quits” story. You can thank Brett Favre for that. Don’t forget, Meyer took a powder last year, and yo-yoed right back. If we do address this story it will be at a later date when we really know what is happening.

Now, back to the business as hand. This could be the Generation Gap Bowl, with octogenarian Joe Paterno meeting youngster Urban Meyer. It could be the Bible Bowl, with Moses Paterno and Pope Urban I. Or, it could be the Surprise Bowl, since I don’t think either team saw themselves ending up here back in September. After all, both teams had less than stellar seasons; both winding up at 7-5. The post-Tebow era in Gainesville finds the Gator offense to be ham-handed and failing time and again to find the end zone with any consistency. This means Florida was a surprise inclusion in the Outback Bowl, but they should come into the game with a strong home field advantage as the game is played in their backyard. However, that won’t be enough to beat the man with more bowl victories than anybody else. Penn State wins ugly, if there’s rain or cold weather this game could end 9-7.

Gator Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 1st; Jacksonville, Florida; Jacksonville Municipal Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big Ten #4 vs. SEC #6
  • The Prediction: Purdue (Big Ten #5) vs. Tennessee (SEC #7)
  • The Actual Matchup: Michigan (Big Ten #7) vs. Mississippi State (SEC #5)
  • Payout: $2,750,000

Has getting Michigan to a New Year’s Day Bowl game saved Rich Rodriguez’ job? Has getting Mississippi State into a New Year’s Day Bowl game made Dan Mullen a hot property for another job? Only time will tell, but the signs point to Mullen being the guy with the brighter future after this game.

Alamo Bowl:

  • Wednesday, December 29th; San Antonio, Texas, Alamodome
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Pac-10 #2 vs. Big 12 #3
  • The Prediction: *Arizona (Pac-10 #3) vs. Oklahoma (Big 12 #3) *Arizona replaces USC due to USC’s bowl ineligibility
  • The Actual Matchup: Arizona (Pac-10 #5) vs.  Oklahoma State (Big 12 #3)
  • Payout: $2,225,000

The Silly Prediction:

Picture a shootout, OK Corral style between two of the game most exciting quarterbacks. Look for Arizona’s Nick Foles to lead Arizona to 300 passing yards and 30 points, only to be bested by Oklahoma States Brandon Weeden’s 400 yards and 40 points.

Holiday Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 30th, San Diego, California; Qualcomm Stadium
  • Matchup: Pac-10 #3 vs. Big 12 #5
  • The Prediction: California (Pac-10 #4) vs. Missouri (Big 12 #5)
  • The Actual Matchup: Washington (Pac-10 #4) vs.  Nebraska (Big 12 #2)
  • Payout: $2,200,000

The Silly Prediction:

The Rematch Bowl: Nebraska ass-raped the Huskies 56-21 earlier this season. This  outcome won’t be any  different.

Champs Sports Bowl:

  • Tuesday, December 28th, Orlando, Florida;  Florida Citrus Bowl Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big East #2 vs. ACC #3
  • The Prediction: Pittsburgh (Big East #2) vs. Clemson (ACC #3)
  • The Actual Matchup: West Virginia (Big East #2) vs. North Carolina State (ACC #3)
  • Payout: $2,130,000

The Silly Prediction:

Get ready for an old-fashioned shootout between quarterbacks Russell Wilson of NC State and Geno Smith of West Virginia. However, West Virginia has a significant advantage on the defensive side of the ball and will exploit that fact.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 30th; New York City, New York; Yankee Stadium
  • Matchup: Big East #3 vs. Big 12 #7
  • The Prediction: West Virginia (Big East #3) vs. Texas Tech (Big 12 #7)
  • The Actual Matchup: Syracuse (Big East #4) vs. Kansas State (Big 12 #7)
  • Payout: $2,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

The most interesting thing about this game is it that it is yet another example that baseball-only ballparks make horrible football stadiums.  Check out how far away from the field the seats on the 50-yard line are, then think about what some poor slob paid for them in Yankee Stadium. As far as the game goes,  Syracuse’s offense is like watching the slow kid in kindergarten be spellbound by alphabet blocks, and they could get blown out if they can’t find a way to consistently put up points. Meanwhile, the Wildcats have a “Wal-Mart” version of that prototypical “gunslinger” Big 12 offense, led by quarterback Collin Klein and running back Daniel Thomas. K-State rolls in a snoozefest.

Sun Bowl:

  • Friday, December 31st; El Paso, Texas; Sun Bowl
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Pac-10 #4 vs. ACC #4
  • The Prediction: UCLA (Pac-10 #5) vs. Miami, FL (ACC #4)
  • The Actual Matchup: Notre Dame vs. Miami, FL (ACC#4)
  • Payout:  $1,900,000

The Silly Prediction:


Twenty years ago, this could have been a championship game. Now, it’s just a sad reminder of how neither of these programs really have any status anymore. Whoever is Miami’s new coach gets his first win against a Notre Dame team that despite its showing at USC just isn’t that talented.

Liberty Bowl:

  • Friday, December 31st; Memphis, Tennessee; Memorial Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: C-USA #1 vs. SEC #8
  • The Prediction: Houston (C-USA #1) vs. Arkansas (SEC #9)
  • The Actual Matchup: Central Florida (C-USA #1) vs. Georgia (SEC #9)
  • Payout: $1,700,000

The Silly Prediction:

Who do you like? The small program with the well-coached, well-rounded team, or the big program that has better athletes? In this case, we’re taking the jocks, but wouldn’t be surprised to see Central Florida pull off an upset signature win.

Music City Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 30th; Nashville, Tennessee; LP Field
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: ACC #6 vs. SEC #7
  • The Prediction: North Carolina (ACC #6) vs. South Carolina (SEC #7)
  • The Actual Matchup: North Carolina (ACC #6) vs. Tennessee (SEC #7)
  • Payout: $1,600,000

The Silly Prediction:

On the surface, this seems to be a perfect regional match. In fact, North Carolina wanted to schedule a Tennessee home-and-home series, but Volunteers weren’t volunteering, so the bowl selection committee pushed the issue.  North Carolina had the talent to be one of the top-tier teams in the nation, but an agent-tampering scandal cured that.  Despite that, the Tar Heels will be motivated to show what they have on a national stage against a faded-glory-not-quite-yet rebuilt Tennessee squad.

TicketCity Bowl (Dallas Football Classic):

  • Saturday, January 1st; Dallas, Texas, Cotton Bowl
  • Matchup: Big Ten #7 vs. Big-12 #8
  • The Prediction:  Northwestern (Big Ten #6) vs. Baylor (Big 12 #8)
  • The Actual Matchup: Northwestern (Big Ten #8) vs. Texas Tech (Big 12 #8)
  • Payout: #1,200,000

The Silly Prediction:

This match could have been interesting prior to Northwestern quarterback Dan Persa tearing his Achilles.  Now the Wildcat offense is in shambles and their defense could be declared legally dead in 19 states. Texas Tech should have no trouble disposing of Northwestern.

Independence Bowl:

  • Monday, December, 27th; Shreveport, Louisiana; Independence Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MWC #3 vs. ACC #7
  • The Prediction: BYU (MWC#3) vs. Boston College (ACC#7)
  • The Actual Matchup: Air Force (MWC #3) vs. Georgia Tech (ACC #7)
  • Payout: $1,100,000

The Silly Prediction:

The over/under on total forward passes in this game might be as low as 15. Air Force and Georgia Tech both love to run the football, and that’s really all they can do; neither can really stop it. Expect Georgia Tech to run over Air Force as both teams rack up over 300 yards in rushing yards.

Military Bowl:

  • Wednesday, December 29th; Washington, D.C.; RFK Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MAC #3 vs. ACC #8
  • The Prediction: Kent State (MAC #3) vs. *Wyoming (MWC#7) *Wyoming is in this game as the other Traditional/Contractual participant (ACC #8) will not be bowl eligible
  • The Actual Matchup: East Carolina (C-USA #5) vs. Maryland (ACC #4)
  • Payout: $1,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

Today's pirate: Less "Yarrrgh," more "Allah Akbar."

Well, we were right about the ACC having problems getting enough team bowl-eligible to meet its contractual obligations, but we had no idea the usually weak conference would be so putrid that even the teams that made six wins would get no respect. Maryland should handle the ECU Pirates, who really need to upgrade their logo to more accurately reflect a modern pirate.

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl:

  • Wednesday, December 22nd; Las Vegas, Nevada; Sam Boyd Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MWC #1 vs. Pac-10 #5
  • The Prediction: *TCU (MWC #2) vs. Stanford #(Pac-10 #6) *TCU is in this game as MWC#1 (Utah) will be in the BCS.
  • The Actual Matchup: Utah (MWC #2) vs. Boise State (WAC #2)
  • Payout: $1,000,000

The Silly Prediction:

There will be blood. This will not even be close; there will be no talk of field goals deciding things. Remember when Utah faced TCU a few weeks ago? Remember how Utah nearly gagged on it against a  mediocre San Diego State team. All season, Utah posed as a Top 10 contender, but now Boise State is looking to exact some revenge on anybody who gives non-AQ teams a bad name.

Meineke Car Care Bowl:

  • Friday, December 31st; Charlotte, North Carolina; Bank of America Stadium
  • Matchup: ACC #5 vs. Big East #4
  • The Prediction:  Florida State (ACC #5) vs. Cincinnati (Big East #4)
  • The Actual Matchup: Clemson (ACC #8) vs. South Florida  (Big East #5)
  • Payout: $1,000,000

Clemson and South Florida could not be any more evenly matched. They are both pretty mediocre, but at the end of the day, Clemson is slightly less bland. The Tigers will flourish on New Year’s Eve.

Beef O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl:

  • Tuesday, December 21st; St. Petersburg, Florida; Tropicana Field
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big East #6 vs. C-USA #4
  • The Prediction:  Northern Illinois (MAC #4) vs. Central Florida (C-USA #4) *Wyoming is in this game as the other Traditional/Contractual participant (ACC #8) will not be bowl eligible
  • The Actual Matchup: Louisville (Big East #6) vs. Southern Mississippi (C-USA # 3)
  • Payout: $1,000,000

You will be challenged not to bring up your Beef O’Bradys over this match, and for several reasons. First, this is clearly the worst bowl name ever, easily outpacing the Poulan Weedeater Bowl.  It will also feature two teams with contrasting styles that will still find a way to remain crushingly uninteresting.  Southern Mississippi has the 15th highest scoring offense in the nation, while Louisville sports the 11th ranked defense. Despite all that, about 19 people will be watching.

BBVA Compass Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 8th; Birmingham, Alabama; Legion Field
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big East #5 vs. SEC #9
  • The Prediction: Marshall (C-USA #6) vs. Akron (MAC #5) *Marshall and  Akron are in this game as the other Traditional/Contractual participant (Big East #5 and SEC#9) will not be bowl eligible.
  • The Actual Matchup: Pittsburgh (Big East #3) vs. Kentucky (SEC #10)
  • Payout: $900,000 SEC; $600,000 Big East

The Silly Prediction:

Dion Lewis and Ray Graham are top-notch running backs who should put on a show. Other than that, expect a slog-fest with Pittsburgh emerging on top, notching a win for new Panther Head Coach (insert name here).

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 30th; Dallas, Texas; Gerald J. Ford Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: C-USA #3/Army vs. MWC #4
  • The Prediction: Southern Mississippi (C-USA #3) vs. Air Force (MWC #4)
  • The Actual Matchup: Southern Methodist (C-USA #2) vs. Army
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:

While this may not scream “Must Watch TV,” it will provide a dramatic. Following in the Paul Johnson/Navy mold, Army has finally figured out that a service academy can compete by using an option running game. Army will take on SMU’s pro-style “Run and Shoot” offense with its own triple option attack which is ranked ninth nationally. SMU likely has too many athletes for Army to carry the day, but in any event look for an offensive show.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl:

  • Saturday, January 9th; San Francisco, California; AT&T Park
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: WAC #1 vs. Pac-10 #6
  • The Prediction: *Fresno State (WAC #2)  vs. Oregon State (Pac-10 #7) * Fresno State replaces the WAC Champion (Boise State) which will be in BCS
  • The Actual Matchup: Nevada (WAC #1) vs. Boston College (ACC #7)
  • Payout: $750,000 WAC; $825,000 Pac-10

The Silly Prediction:

Nevada’s Colin Kaepernick runs their “Pistol” offense with near perfection. Together with running back Vai Taua, they form one of the most menacing rushing combos in the nation. This should make for an “irresistible force vs. immovable object” showdown with BC’s stalwart rushing defense. Look for Kaepernick’s passing prowess to make the difference.

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl:

  • Sunday, December 26th; Detroit, Michigan; Ford Field
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MAC #1 vs. Big Ten #9
  • The Prediction: Temple (MAC #1) vs. Tulsa (C-USA #7) *Tulsa is in this game as the other Traditional/Contractual participant (Big Ten #8/9) will not be bowl eligible.
  • The Actual Matchup: Toledo (MAC # 3) vs. Florida International (Sun Belt #3)
  • Payout: $750,000

Perhaps we should call this “Replacement Bowl.” The Pizza people don’t get the MAC champion like they usually do, and they don’t get the usual bad Big Ten team because there just aren’t enough bad Big Ten teams to go around.  Instead, they get two teams that weren’t expected to go to Bowl games. The real question is will friends and family outnumber the scant few die-hard fans in attendance? Oh, and the Rockets carry the day, in case you care.

GoDaddy.Com Bowl:

  • Thursday, January, 6th; Mobile, Alabama; Ladd Peebles Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: MAC #2 vs. Sun Belt #2
  • The Prediction: Toledo (MAC #2) vs. Middle Tennessee State (Sun Belt #2)
  • The Actual Matchup: Miami, OH (MAC# 2) vs. Middle Tennessee (Sun Belt #2)
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:

If you were waiting for a Sun Belt vs. MAC clash, count your lucky fucking stars, because this is only the back half of a double-header between these storied leagues. Just about the time your intestinal discomfort has healed from watching the New Orleans Bowl, break out the Sam’s Club size bale of toilet paper and the donut pad, because three and half hours of this WILL cause uncontrollable anal leakage. If you can stomach it, expect the Redhawks of Miami to roll.

Hawaii Bowl:

  • Friday, December 24th; Honolulu, Hawaii; Aloha Stadium
  • Matchup: C-USA #2 vs. WAC #3 or Hawaii
  • The Prediction: East Carolina (C-USA #2) vs. Hawaii (WAC #3)
  • The Actual Matchup: Tulsa (C-USA #2) vs. Hawaii (WAC #3)
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:

Tulsa’s defense has been so unseen it might as well be on a milk carton. Tulsa’s team gets to be in Hawaii rather than Tulsa. Don’t think Tulsa gives a shit about this game. Expect the Fighting Rainbows of Hawaii to roll.

Humanitarian Bowl:

  • Saturday, December, 18th; Boise, Idaho; Bronco Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: WAC #2 vs. MWC #4
  • The Prediction: Idaho (WAC #6) vs. New Mexico (MWC #6)
  • The Actual Matchup: Fresno State (WAC #4) vs. Northern Illinois (MAC #2)
  • Payout: $750,000

First of all, what the fuck we were thinking with New Mexico? Seriously, I have no idea what we might have seen to think this team could win six games, but as long a s Mike Locksley is the head coach, this team couldn’t win a free oil change at Jiffy Lube let alone get to a bowl game.

About this game, it begs the question “How bad is Boise?” Jerry Kill bails on Northern Illinois to head for the frozen wasteland known as Minnesota just so he doesn’t have to go to Boise. What does that tell you? It tells me Kill knows that Fresno State has little chance to stop Chad Spann and the Huskies rushing attack, so why not go get a BCS job, even if it is the sorry-ass Gophers.

New Mexico Bowl:

  • Saturday, December 18th; Albuquerque, New Mexico; Universtiy Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: WAC #3/#4 vs. MWC #5
  • The Prediction:  New Mexico State (WAC #4) vs. San Diego State (MWC #5)
  • The Actual Matchup:  Texas-El Paso (C-USA #8) vs. BYU (MWC #5)
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:

This is a game of two teams going two completely different directions. BYU is playing solid football lately as of late, while UTEP looks like a fraternity team well into its third keg of beer. On top of that, UTEP’s main offensive weapons are both hobbled with injuries, and if they aren’t healthy by bowl time, BYU might have this one salted away by halftime.

Poinsettia Bowl:

  • Thursday, December 23rd; San Diego, California; Qualcomm Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Navy vs. MWC #2/WAC #5  OR MWC #2 vs. WAC #5
  • The Prediction: Navy vs. Nevada (WAC #5)
  • The Actual Matchup: Navy vs. San Diego State (MWC #4)
  • Payout: $750,000

The Silly Prediction:


Navy has a tremendous running game, and San Diego State will lack the athleticism to stop it.  Besides, Navy head coach Kent Niumatolo might just bite the Aztecs in half.

Texas Bowl:

  • Wednesday, December 29th; Houston, Texas; Reliant Stadium
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Big 12 #6 vs. Big Ten #7
  • The Prediction: Texas A&M (Big 12 #6) vs. Minnesota (Big Ten #8)
  • The Actual Matchup: Baylor (Big 12 #6) vs. Illinois (Big Ten #6)
  • Payout: $612,500

The Silly Prediction:

Problem #1: Illinois does not travel well. Problem #2: Illinois head coach Ron Zook’s job may depend on a win. Problem #3: Baylor will be playing what is essentially a home game. Baylor has been a tough opponent all year and sometime following the latest Illinois disaster, Zook will be fired. Last year, fans and boosters were asking for Zook’s head amidst their fourth losing season in five years, which means this will be the last stand for Zook. When the Illini lose, it is all but over.

New Orleans Bowl:

  • Saturday, December 18th; New Orleans, Louisiana; Superdome
  • Traditional/Contractual Matchup: Sun Belt #1 vs. C-USA #5
  • The Prediction: Troy (Sun Belt #1) vs. Memphis (C-USA #5)
  • The Actual Matchup: Troy (Sun Belt #1) vs. Ohio (MAC #4)
  • Payout: $325,000

The Silly Prediction:

What can you say about a game in which the participants are a 7-5 conference winner (Troy) and a team selected as a replacement because they seem to be more interesting than a middle of the pack Conference USA team? Take Ohio to win, but more importantly, don’t tell anybody you watched this game.





I’ve Got Five…Do I Hear Six?

1 11 2010

In our on-going quest to cover the College Football Heavyweight Champion, we have been all over the map this season. In the last calendar year, the title has changed hands five times, going from Florida, to Alabama, to South Carolina, to Kentucky, To Georgia, and now thanks to the Gator’s overtime win at the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, back to Florida.

Even though Florida is decidedly in a post-Tebow hangover, they still have a 4-1 record against Georgia under Urban Meyer. Looking forward, Florida travels to Vanderbilt this week. Barring a meltdown in Nashville, this sets up a battle in The Swamp on November 13 that is not only a Heavyweight Title Fight, but may mean who wins the SEC East as well.

Grab your wiener and stay tuned, America…





The “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” Is Now A Title Fight

27 10 2010

If you recall, we here at Dubsism have gone through the history of college football to determine a number #1 team in the style that boxing uses, namely, you are #1 until somebody beats you, then that team becomes #1.

Artist's rendition of what the Georgia - Florida title fight may look like.

Last week, for the first time ever, the heavyweight title of College Football belonged to the University of Kentucky Wildcats, who earned the title by defeating the South Carolina Gamecocks. However, the Wildcats grip on the belt was broken by the Georgia Bulldogs’ 44-31 victory in Lexington. This means the ‘Dawgs take the belt into their annual showdown in Jacksonville with the Florida Gators.

Granted, the ‘Dawgs need little in terms of extra motivation when it faces border rival Florida, but the game between the schools takes on added significance with both teams trying to stay alive in the SEC East title race. Once given up for dead, the Bulldogs (4-4, 3-3 SEC) have turned their season around with three straight wins. Meanwhile, Florida (4-3, 2-3 SEC), is heading south by having chalked three straight losses.

The question is: Can Florida stop its skid and reclaim the title it lost to Alabama in last years SEC Championship game? If they succeed, the Gators will be the fifth team to hold the belt this season.








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