Tag Archives: File Dump

File Dump: The Houston Nutt Edition

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of our File Dump, we here at Dubsism believe that when we have just too many good jokes about somebody that we haven’t gotten around to using, and then their career is over, we just can’t let all that good material go to waste.

According to several reports, Nutt has been informed by Ole Miss this will be his final season in Oxford. I’m not sure this comes as a surprise, given his 10-20 mark in SEC play, including 12 straight losses. It would seem Saturday’s 30-13 loss to Kentucky will be the proverbial final nail in Houston Nutt’s coffin.

First of all, I don’t think Nutt’s career is over; he’s going to get another job somewhere. But his next gig might be in a place where he doesn’t enjoy the visibility that failing in the SEC provides.  To that end, we must never forget that the Nutt is Blog and Photoshop gold. These very pages drip with Houston Nutt jokes; Francis Ford Coppola won Academy Awards on Houston Nutt jokes.

The beauty is that Nutt’s own biography lends itself to this.

Many people forget about Nutt’s service in Vietnam. Below he is shown leading refugees onto the evacuation choppers during the fall of Saigon.

After his stint “in country,” Nutt explored a career in entertainment; it only really had two moments of note. The first came during his guest appearance on the 60′s NBC cult-hit “Star Trek.”

The other came in Nutt’s riveting performance as the Wicked Witch in a Boise, Idaho dinner theater reproduction of the “Wizard of Oz.”

Another fact about Houston Nutt most people don’t remember is that at one time he was an Olympic contender in men’s gymnastics.

It was after Nutt’s Olympic failure that he moved to Spain and became a premier toreador, until an unfortunate goring incident cut his career short.

Even this failure couldn’t quell the spirit of Nutt, the Renaissance man. He left Spain for the elite art world of Italy, yet Nutt’s proclivity for “Beavis and Butthead” level humor led to yet another unceremonious exit, this time from a position as the curator of an art museum.

This sent Nutt back to the world of college football. Despite what has happened in Oxford in the past few days, Nutt has to resurface somewhere for two reasons. First of all, his resume is simply too good to fade away. Even if you don’t want to accept the things’ I’ve just mentioned, just look at his track record in football.

Don’t forget, he is the guy who started Boise State’s move to the big time.  In the land of the Smurf Turf, Nutt inherited a 2-10 team which had just made the jump to Division I-A football and wanted a recruiter to jump start their program. Before Nutt, Boise State was the lowest ranked of all Division I-A schools; Nutt took them to a  5–6 record in 1997 playing at the Division I-A teams with a roster comprised largely of Division I-AA players.

Despite that, Nutt’s team beat rival Idaho and almost pulled off an upset against Wisconsin. Nutt parlayed that success into a job in the best conference in the country, the SEC.  He became the head coach of the University of Arkansas in December 1997.

During his first press conference as coach, Nutt immediately mentioned a national championship as his goal and felt that Arkansas had the program to do it.  Of course, this resonated in the ears of Hawg Nation one. The Razorbacks had suffered through a long period of non-relevance under a succession of head coaches in the previous years.

While he never won that promised crystal football, he did restore the Razorbacks to some success.  Under Nutt, the Razorbacks were one of three SEC schools to play in three New Year’s Day bowls within five years.  In Nutt’s first six seasons, he led the team to a bowl game each year and averaged eight wins per season.  However, by the end, Nutt was being criticized for his ultra-conservative play-calling.

When the Arkansas days were over in 2007, Nutt moved downriver to Ole Miss. However, in between gigs, Nutt found time to briefly tour with AC/DC.

Once again,  Nutt’s time in Oxford started with a lot of promise, as his Rebels went 9-4 in each of his first two seasons and won consecutive Cotton Bowls.

Trouble was that the Rebs followed those Cotton Bowl wins with a 4-8 record in 2010, including a 1-7 mark in SEC play.  The 2011 Rebel record of 2-7 with the aforementioned  12 consecutive conference losses ended the Nutt regime in Oxford.

Maybe it was better that it ended this way. A prolonged exit may have made have made Nutt flash back to his days as a light-heavyweight contender; the kind who doesn’t know when he’s beat and that it is time to move on to a new fight.

"I WANT PACQUIAO!"

The other reason Nutt must resurface somewhere is purely selfish…the man is a well-spring of material. Like you didn’t already figure that out.  The real beauty is that he doesn’t even require photographic tomfoolery to look 100% batshit crazy. To that end, I offer the following completely unretouched photos.

This begs the question…what’s next for the Nuttiest coach in college football?  He does have a bit of “redneck deputy sheriff in him.”

Of course, the other side of that same coin is the Nutt also has a bit of “Cool Hand Luke” in him.

What if the Nutt went back to his entertainment roots?

But…given the way certain other stories in college football are breaking right now…what if???

 

 

 

 

File Dump: The Jim Tressel Edition

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of our File Dump…in short, we here at Dubsism believe that when we have just too many good jokes about somebody that we haven’t gotten around to using, and then their career is over, we just can’t let all those good shots go to waste. Since today was clearly not a beautiful day  day in Mr. Tressel’s neighborhood, we bring your our farewell homage to Cheatypants McSweatervest.

Of, course, we never really knew what to do with the “Mr. Rogers” gag, since most Ohio State fans seem to be not allowed near children after they meet Chris Hansen from Dateline.

As disgusting as that may be, there are other heinous ways to abuse the children of Ohio.

But, at the end of the day, it was simply the act of being dishonest that got Tressel into trouble. So many people, Tressel included,  should have learned by now that the cover-up is always worse than the crime.

Somehow, this whole mess all started with tattoos.

Then came the signings and the endorsements…These guys would sign any memorabilia, even prosthetic limbs.

Then it got ridiculous…Tressel started going  all “Ricky Bobby.”

After a while, Tressel became the “Opulence…I has it” guy.

But like all good things, the salad days in Columbus had to end…we just never saw the “South Park” thing coming. OMIGOD, THEY KILLED JIMMY!!!

Just remember one thing, Jimmy. Lying can be considered a “failure to communicate.”

From One Campaign To Another: Vote Jamie Moyer in 2012!

Jamie Moyer turns 48 on November 18th. Now, thanks to the Phillies cutting their ties with the veteran left-hander, he’s a free agent.  The team placed him on waivers last month to clear a spot on the 40-man roster and hasten Moyer’s move to the open market.  Moyer has 267 wins and 2,405 strikeouts in his 24-year career and was an effective pitcher for a great portion of last season. However, his age and the fact that he ended the season on the disabled list with a sprained elbow meant his prospects for offers this winter were limited at best.

To increase his odds, Moyer was rehabbing the elbow in winter ball in the Dominican Republic with the hope of joining a team. Now even that hope seems distant as Moyer re-injured his pitching elbow on Saturday.

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that Dubsism is your home of the Jamie Moyer for the Hall of Fame Campaign. While we know that Moyer’s induction into Cooperstown is a bit of a long-shot, there is no denying that his career numbers put his name next to many baseball immortals. Moyer has made 686 appearances in a 24-season big-league career, starting 628 games and winning 267 since his major league debut on June 16, 1986.

However, we are not the only people who think Moyer might have a shot at the Hall of Fame.  Stretcthing a bit perhaps, but when you look at the wins and strikeout totals and the names that are around him, one does wonder.

However, stats are but one part of the Jamie Moyer story. Another feature of this blog is the File Dump, a bit of a twisted salute when we go through the bits and pieces we have amassed over the years. Clearly, Moyer’s is one of the most interesting, because there’s so much about the man he deliberately kept out of the limelight, However, File Dumps are usually like a eulogy; in this case it is a metamorphasis.

For example, you know Moyer is a World Series Champion, but you don’t know that he donated all his World Series champagne to starving children in Darfur.

Naturally, one would expect such a level of responsibility and awareness of world events in a man with Moyer’s massive intellect. Moyer’s IQ is so far off the chart that his wife became a jet-screaming genius just by being near him.

Moyer’s academic prowess led to his Doctorate of Baseball Stuff and it should come as no surprise he is a firm believer in continuing education.

Moyer is also a Renaissance Man, being the inspiration for a classic American work of art.

Back to baseball, Moyer’s humility led to the under reporting of some of his noteworthy career. Many people don’t know of Moyer’s exceptional athletic prowess; Moyer was so feared as a baserunner he was never intentionally walked in 24 years.

Moyer is also the only player in baseball history with at least 40 hits, 20 runs scored, 10 runs batted in, and 500 home runs allowed.

In other words, Jamie Moyer is the kind of man who only comes along once in a generation. This means we here at Dubsism are shifting gears a bit; we feel the Hall of Fame simply is not a lofty enough goal for a man of Moyer’s caliber. Therefore, we here at Dubsism are beginning the Jamie Moyer for President campaign.

Face it, America. None of us are getting anywhere with the current class of dopes we keep electing, so why not?

Goodbye, Sweet Lou…

Piniella with Portland of the Pacific Coast League, 1966

After announcing that his retirement originally scheduled for the end of this season was moving up to today, it is time to give Lou Piniella the send-off he richly deserves. 18 years as a player, 23 years as a manager, three World Series rings; his 1,835 wins as a manager rank him behind only Tony LaRussa, Bobby Cox, and Joe Torre (three lead-pipe cinch Hall-of-Famers) for active managers, and ranks him ahead of Hall-of-Famers Tommy Lasorda, Dick Williams, and Clark Griffith. As a player, Piniella was the American League Rookie of the Year for 1969, and while he wouldn’t make Cooperstown from his efforts on the field, he’d certainly make the Hall of Pretty Damn Good.

Piniella during the five at-bats he collected as a Cleveland Indian in 1968.

Piniella during his Rookie of the Year season.

With that, I would like to offer the Dubsism version of the Dean Martin Roast, the photo retrospective known as the File Dump.

Many people are unaware that in addition to his baseball prowess, Piniella excelled at basketball at the University of Tampa.

Throughout his managerial career, Piniella often liked to show off his passing ability.

Lou was known to be a tad bit excitable. During his time as a Yankee, he developed a warm loving relationship with Red Sox catcher Carlton Fisk. During a 1976 match, Piniella slid hard into Fisk, who bluntly expressed his displeasure, and the love fest began.

Naturally, once Piniella matured into a leadership role, he mellowed.

Actually, not even being in his sixties mellowed “Sweet” Lou.

Actually, it was his down time at the salon that he used to calm his temperament.

Salons not withstanding, Lou always has a sense of cool.

Of course, Piniella’s sense of style is one of the reasons why he remains as part of the Yankee family to this day.

But in all seriousness, Piniella’s World Series win at the helm of the underdog Cincinnati Reds rates as one of the all-time managerial achievements of all time.

Mr. Piniella, you were a pleasure to watch both on the field and in the dugout and baseball fans everywhere owe you a sincere tip of the cap and a wish that your retirement offers you as much enjoyment as your career gave us.

File Dump: The Mangino/Fulmer Edition

Originally, this was just going to be a good-bye to my favorite corpulent coach, Mark Mangino, formerly of Kansas. But  lo and behold, somehow in the process we also unearthed an archive of goodies on another fat coach, Phil Fulmer of the hated Tennessee Volunteers. In either event, we found ourselves with a ton of stuff now about as useful as a salad fork in either of these guys’ place setting. However, this stuff is just far too precious to die in a file folder somewhere.

Mark Mangino:

The hilarity of Baby Mangino must never be forgotten.

It really is too bad the guy got fired. Where else can you get such pure meltdowns as only he could deliver. Its a good thing he isn’t hanging out at one of those eating contests, because he clearly doesn’t care for hot dogs, so much so that he vomited up the entire Orange Bowl.

Although to be fair, perhaps Mangino could use a wee bit of purging.

After all, when he left Lawrence, I bet Southwest Airlines hoped Mangino didn’t have a Twitter account.

Phil Fulmer:

The sad part about when a coach gets fired is nobody seems to remember the days when he didn’t suck. Fulmer didn’t suck as recently as 2007, but we are still going to make a lot of “fat jokes.”

Sometimes, you get a sandwich named after you. But that pales in comparison to getting your own drive-thru.

And as long as one is working the restaurant side of the street, a buffet joke can’t be far.

There is a rule when making fat jokes: At some point, there MUST be a donut reference.

With a doofus like Fulmer, two donut jokes are required.

No, make that three.

Of course, a diet of donuts, drive-thru and buffets will necessitate some very large pants.

At least since leaving Tennesee, Fulmer has found a rewarding career entertaining children the world over…at least the ones with blind faith and blanket-attachment issues.

File Dump: The Charlie Weis Edition

Being a Notre Dame hater meant collecting files full of material on Charlie Weis, their ass-bag former coach who we can be pretty sure will never patrol a college sideline again. That being the case, we have a ton of stuff that now is about as useful as Coach Fatbag’s NordicTrack. However, this stuff is just far too precious to die in a file folder somewhere.

First of all, one needs to understand how easy it is to hate Notre Dame. As I have lived in Big Eleven Twelve Ten territory for many years, I have been surrounded by fans of the Fighting Irish. There is a distinct procedure for becoming a lover of the South Bend Failures; flowcharting it illustrates exactly what sort of asshole roots for Notre Dame.

Of course, there are the obvious fat jokes, largely because Weis is so obviously fat.

And when one steals enough sandwiches, one will eventually outstrip the maximum capacity of even the most robustly forged piece of furniture.

And it is a good thing that Weis did find another job. Hopefully, being the offensive coordinator for the Kansas City Chiefs will keep him gainfully employed so that we don’t have to see him become one of those unemployed humps that goes on a shooting spree.

Although, on second thought, if he wanted to shoot up South Bend…at least he’s not shooting…uhhh…never mind.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

File Dump: The Bobby Bowden Edition

It is an official position of Dubsism that Bobby Bowden is an Anti-Christ; he represented all that was wrong with college football, and many things that are just wrong in the universe in general. This means we here at Dubsism had lots of material in our files on Bowden; a lot of material that became quite likely to never get used upon his retirement. However, some of this stuff is just far too precious to die in a file folder somewhere.

Now, I understand being a Penn State fan puts me in a bit of a “Glass Houses” situation when it comes to old coaches and possible incontinence issues, but at least Joe Paterno never needed anybody to wake him up and tell him what was happening during the game.

Granted, this is another one of those “Glass Houses” moments, but look at the upside, Seminole fans…Bowden has already outdone Bear Bryant’s post-retirement lifespan.

Of course, the secret to staying healthy in retirement is staying active. So, stop by the Tallahassee Wal-Mart to say “Howdy, Dadgum-it” to Bobby.

One of the reasons why we here at Dubsism believe Bowden is an Anti-Christ is that he clearly made a deal with the dark forces to win that BCS championship.

An important part of any crooked program is a crooked leader. Granted, Bobby didn’t drive any of the getaway cars, but he clearly turned a blind eye to far too many criminal exploits.

After all, Bowden’s players were such a large part of the Florida penal system they also found it necessary to immortalize the coach.

In any event, now that Bowden is gone and Florida State has been relegated back to the mediocrity it deserves, we can all rest assured safe in the knowledge that we will never have to suffer the elder Bowden on the sidelines again.

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