If you are my age, you remember Fotomat. If you don’t remember Fotomat, then you also likely don’t remember rotary dial phones, cars that had carburetors rather than fuel injection, and the days when McDonald’s didn’t pretend to care about your health.
You don’t remember the days when you never had to dial somebody’s area code unless you were calling long-distance (another concept you probably don’t remember; calling outside your area code used to cost money before “unlimited anytime/anywhere minutes”), muscle cars with those enormous four-barrel carburetors that burned through 75-cent-per-gallon gasoline like it was cheap, Chinese fireworks, or when drive-thru breakfast didn’t include the option of apple wedges and oatmeal.
What the hell does any of this have to do with football? Fotomat was all about when your camera wasn’t digital; when your pictures were saved on this stuff called “film,” and you had to ride your dinosaur up to these little huts which were in the entryways to strip malls, drop off your film and come back in a week to get your printed pictures. To take good pictures with those old film-based cameras, often you had to know how to set something called “exposure.” So many football facts were exposed this weekend you might need a city full of Fotomats to contain them all.
Besides, I’m old and I just wanted to bitch about that for a couple of paragraphs before I got to my point.
1) EXPOSED: Michigan Football Still Sucks
I like Brady Hoke. I think eventually he will accomplish great things in Ann Arbor. But this is the roadmap for Wolverine football until further notice:
- Get fat in September on (insert MAC school here).
- Legitimatize beating a parade of lesser talent by beating the perenially over-rated Notre Dame
- Get EXPOSED sometime early in the conference schedule
- Back into an 8-4 record, then get sodomized with a red-hot fireplace poker in one of those 36 Big Tweleveten/SEC New Year’s Day bowl games
2) EXPOSED: Denard Robinson is a Fraud as a Quarterback
I know Denard Robinson was on the receiving end of a bush-league cheap shot (Outrage: How did William Gholston not get kicked out of that game?), but that doesn’t eliminate the the fact the Michigan State defense exposed him.
Denard Robinson is one of the most exciting players in college football, except when it matters. With the sole exception of the 4th quarter of the Notre Dame game, Denard Robinson is a guy who a) disappears in crunch time and b) is just another running quarterback who can’t throw the damn ball.
Even in the Notre Dame game, he still threw three interceptions.
I understand he was last season’s Big Ten Offensive Player of the Year, but look at his 2010 stats from two perspectives. First, focus solely on his passing stats; remove his rushing totals from the picture. Second, look at when his passing touchdowns occur in relation to when his interceptions occur, then look at that compared to when Michigan wins.
What you are going to see is that Robinson posted a lot of his passing stats in “garbage time;” either in blow-out wins (Indiana) or in blow-out losses (Wisconsin, Ohio State, and Mississippi State). The go back to his rushing stats and note when the rushing touchdowns occur. What it also says is that if you want to beat Michigan, make Denard Robinson throw the ball. Michigan’s record since 2009 when Denard Robinson scores at least one rushing touchdown is 13-6; 6-6 when he doesn’t.
Back to that cheap shot for a moment… I’m an old offensive lineman, and I can promise you any dickweed who did that to my quarterback and stayed in the game would be taking his knees home in a bag.
3) EXPOSED: Speaking of Frauds, Cam Newton Is Not Ready To Be an NFL Quarterback
It’s time to face the facts…a guy who tosses nine picks in six games does not understand the primary job of an NFL quarterback is to take care of the ball. Not only that, but he easily could have three or four more; this guy makes some seriously bad decisions. In fact, I think we need an “equal time” rule; for every comment were are going to hear from now on about Tim Tebow not being ready to play quarterback in the NFL, there should be an equal amount of commentary dedicated to the fact Cam Newton isn’t either.
4) EXPOSED: ESPN creates its own hype
All you have to do to see this in action is take a critical look at the stories ESPN promotes when they don’t have “hard” sports news to cover. Here are my favorites from the past week.
- LeBron James playing in the NFL. LeBron James is not playing in the NFL. It may be one of the dumbest ideas I’ve ever heard.
- Jim Tressel will be the next coach of the Indianapolis Colts. Jim Tressel is not going to be the next coach of the Colts. Jim Tressel doens’t know the first thing about coaching in the NFL. Tell me the last time you saw a Tressel offense that looked even remotely like an NFL offense. Do you really expect me to believe we are going to take a surgically-rebuilt Peyton Manning and have him start running around like Terrelle Pryor?
- Urban Meyer is going to coach Ohio State in 2012. This one has been rolling for a while, but it’s just as dumb. Urban Meyer will not be the next coach at Ohio State. why in the world would a guy who left coaching due to the stress take on rebuilding Ohio State with that crazy-ass fan base hounding his every step? Not to mention he’s got nothing left to accomplish as a coach. He’s won two national championships. He’s produced a Heisman Trophy winner. He’s not looking to take on all the bullshit he’d have to endure in coaching in Columbus.
5) EXPOSED: Big Ten Offenses Not Named Wisconsin
By racking up 59 points on a hapless Indiana squad, the Wisconsin Badgers outscored every other ranked Big Ten offense COMBINED (#11 Michigan – 14 points, #16 Illinois – 7 points, #23 Michigan State – 28 points)
6) The BCS is a joke (again)
Does anybody really think Oklahoma is the third-best team in the country? I’m not even sure the Sooners are the best team in Oklahoma. Of course, its hard to tell because neither them or Oklahoma State have played anyone. Of course, I don’t think either of those teams could beat Wisconsin. The problem Wisconsin hasn’t beaten anybody either. Not to mention the team that gets the rap for not playing anybody (Boise State) might just be the best team in the country not currently in the SEC.
7) EXPOSED: ESPN Can’t Control @Occupy GameDay, They Can’t Even Contain It
The proof is in the signs…
Next up for the Dan Patrick Fans…East Lansing, Michigan.
8 ) EXPOSED: Jim Harbaugh is a Dick, and Jim Schwartz Is A Sore Loser
The minute I saw this I knew it was going to dominate Monday morning sports-talk radio. Let’s cut to the chase here. Harbaugh is a dick, and he’s always has been. You can tell this got started not over the handshake, but the shove in the back at which point you can tell Harbaugh said something to Schwartz. You knew it was intentional by the smirk when Harbaugh said during his press conference “It’s on me. I shook his hand too hard.” In other words, Harbaugh essentially called Schwartz a “pussy” on national television.
On the other hand, if you’re Jim Schwartz, you’ve got to learn how to be the bigger guy. Short of that, go catch up to Harbaugh in the tunnel where there are no cameras before you start looking like the average bar brawler.
By the way Harbaugh, I’d like to see you pull that move with a guy like Rex Ryan or Mike Tomlin just to see how fast you’d get your ass handed to you.