Ten Pointless USB Devices Compared To Their Equally Useless Sports Figures

Being that the holiday season is upon us, there is a lot of thought begin given to gift-giving. If you are reading this, then you must be thinking, “Gee, what do I get for the sports blogger in my life?”

This allows for another of our comparison pieces with a list published by the good people at Listverse.  Since most sports bloggers spend a lot of time around their computers, and since most sports blogs (especially this one) are generally pointless, what better that a list of pointless USB devices and blogging it up by comparing it to a list of equally useless sports figures.

10) USB Fridge

“The time has come to stop forcing yourself to drink tepid Pepsi while forgetting yourself in the mountains of work at your desk! Plug the USB Fridge into your computer while you are working,  place a beverage inside and get ready to enjoy your choice of tasty liquid at a cool 47 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: Curtis Painter

What better way to represent a refrigerator which only holds one drink, and only partially cools it than with a quarterback who can’t complete passes and only gets close to winning?

9) USB Monitor Smasher

“As useful and compliant as your PC may be, at some point you probably just want to clobber it into a million tiny pieces. Here we introduce the device that will save you thousands of dollars and hours of cleanup time. The ScreenSmasher is a foam mallet that comes with a USB sensor. Take the stress relieving smack at your screen and your Windows Desktop will automatically display the image of shattered glass – also with a realistic crash sound effect.”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: The Regular Season in College Basketball

What better description is there for the college basketball regular season than a foam rubber mallet which allows you to expend a ton of time and energy and not get anywhere? Last sesson’s run by Connecticut proves it. The Huskies finished the regular season with a 9-9 record in conference play for a 9th place finish in the Big East. Yet, they hit a ten-game winning streak at just the right time, sweeping throught he Big East and NCAA tournaments. The 22 wins before that meant nothing.

8 ) USB Gold Flash Drive 

“True, the flash drive is a far cry from a bizarre USB device – but it is the price tag of this attractive accessory that puts it on this list. Introduced at the CeBIT show in Hannover, Germany, this exclusive USB key seems to be marketed mainly for its exquisite exterior – as its memory capacity wasn’t even mentioned at its premiere. It was later released that capacities will include 128MB, 256MB, 512MB and 1024MB. This gold-plated, diamond-encrusted USB memory stick is also adorned with a hefty price tag of 2,950-euro or $3,500!”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: The Ridiculously Over-Priced Free Agent

I’m not singling out Soriano per se, but he does make a perfect example of a guy who has been paid far more than he’s performed. Let’s be honest, every team that’s ever spent money has bought a $20 flash drive for $3,500 at some point.

7) USB Hampster Wheel

“Tired of your monotonous office work day after day, caught up in the rat race of the working world? Ready for the perfect way to lift your spirits and send laughter tearing through the office? Introducing the USB Hampster Wheel! Just plug it into your USB port, load the software provided and watch your furry friend as you type: the hampster gets running and spins the wheel around in the process, spinning even faster as your typing speed increases!”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: ESPN News

For a media outlet to continue to run a sports-news network that does little more than runs the same 30-minute show all damn day long suggest they a) don’t understand that now every sports fan in the world has a smartphone which obviates TV newscasts, b) never heard of the internet, and c) actually believe people want to see the same highlight clips 75 times per day.

6) USB Exercising Dog

“You’ve got to do something with your unused USB ports, so why not fill it up with something totally useless like these USB dogs? A more family-friendly version then its “humping dog” predecessor, you can watch the USB Exercising Dog as he works his washboard abs to perfection!”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: Pitching Coaches

What does a pitching coach do for a major-league moundsman? That is besides walking out to tell him “Uh, Skip’s thinking of pulling you if you don’t start throwing strikes…so, uh, you probably want to  start throwing strikes.”

5) USB Ghost Radar

“For the multitasking, facebook-addicted Ghostbuster, here is the USB device you’ve been searching for. The USB Ghost Radar supposedly does just as it says, detect ghosts. This gadget is actually quite complex. Using sensors and alert lights, and an algorithm it detects any paranormal activity – all the while factoring in biometric feedback from your skin, along with many other features. Plug in the USB Ghost Radar and it will beep in rhythm with specific light patterns depending on the paranormal activity around you. The volume and intensity of the beeps supposedly indicates how close your ghost is. The lights help you figure out the ghost’s position, movement, and the risk possibilities.”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: The Radar Gun Guy

Isn’t this guy’s job really to tell us what we already know? The first time I saw Justin Verlander’s fastball I said “Holy shit! That kid’s got a heater!” I didn’t say “Holy shit! I wish there was a radar gun guy around to tell me that kid’s got a heater.”

4) Mr. Tengu

“Wouldn’t it be nice to have a little buddy that could just sit right next to your computer and make stupid faces? Plug Mr. Tengu into your USB port and he will sit contently at your desk making weird faces with changes in sound, and will take naps when his daily face making routine becomes too exhausting.”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: Tim McCarver

Honestly, when I read the description “he will sit contently at your desk making weird faces with changes in sound, and will take naps when his daily face making routine becomes too exhausting,” I thought all they have to do is add “comment on the completely obvious” and Mr. Tengu would be a perfect McCarver-Bot.

3) Coffee Mug-Mouse

“Now I know what you’re thinking…. “Besides the high ‘coffee-spilling-all-over-the-desk’ chances, isn’t that going to be tough to use?” In fact, the MugMouse was created with the deliberate intention by SLOWEB Peripherals “to provide an alternative to the fast global flow of information”. This infrared mouse follows your movements and the mouse button at the bottom of the mug is clicked by pushing the whole mug towards the table; And as an added bonus, this handy mug not only holds 150mL of your favourite hot drink, but keeps it steamy with the built-in heater. So for those who are looking for a speed reduced computer mouse  that doubles as a coffee mug – this little diddy is for you!”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: The NFL Playoff Overtime Rule

Until I discovered this coffee-mug mouse, I thought having different rules for the regular season and the playoffs was the dumbest thing I ever heard. Even the officials can’t keep it straight.

2) Bowling Ball-Flash Drive

“Though this “heavy duty” memory stick is not yet patented and ready to sell to the public – I can’t help but applaud this device’s creator Chris Spurgeon for attempting to find the solution to our age’s miniature flash drives going missing. Converting his 16 pound bowling ball into a memory stick he asks himself “Let’s see if I send that through the laundry by mistake!” On the practical side though, I hope when using it he doesn’t attach it directly to his laptop…”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: A 96-team College Basketball Tournament Format

I can’t think of two better examples of taking a good thing so far over the top as to make it completely impractical.

1) USB Scan Toaster

“Ever wonder what it would feel like to see your face on a 5 dollar bill? A postage  stamp? How about a piece of toast? A finalist in the 2008 Electrolux Design Lap competition, the USB Scan toaster uses hot wires that rotate within a 30° radius to “burn” anything you want onto your piece of toast; the news, weather or snapshots – the delicious possibilities are endless!”

Equally Useless Sports Figure: The NFL Pre-Season

Remember the saying “neccessity is the mother of invention.” Whoever decided they needed to place their likeness on a slice of toast is likely the same type person who thought it was a good idea to schedule a slew of games every year that mean nothing, for which fans get to pay full ride only to see guys who will be loading trucks at UPS in a few weeks.

Top Salaries From Obscure Sports and What That Really Means

Esteban over at Total Pro Sports put together a thought provoking list. A while ago, that site did a list of the fattest paychecks in sports, and it’s what you would expect, except for the Formula 1 racing guys and Manny Pacquiao. Granted, I didn’t think of those guys at first, but it makes sense if you think about it.

Then, Esteban took that a step further by looking at some of the most bankable figures from sports which wouldn’t necessarily pop into your head. Originally, I was simply going to comment on his site, but the more I composed my thoughts, I realized this needed a Dubsism-style break-down. Let’s be honest, there some serious social commentary hidden in Esteban’s piece; commentary which really needs to be brought out.

Peruse his list understanding that his premise is ranking the entries on the list by “the disparity between the size of the salary and the obscurity of the sport.” Interspersed with Esteban’s list will be the hidden commentary which may only be visible to my bourbon-soaked brain.

13) Phillip Dalhausser/Tedd Rogers – Beach Volleyball: $387,700

Esteban Says:

“Beach Volleyball isn’t that obscure. It’s always one of the most popular events at the Summer Olympics (though, the bikini-clad women are the bigger draw). Still, it’s not particularly popular as a pro sport. You might catch a tournament here or there on ESPN2 at 11AM on a Wednesday, but that’s about it. And yet American duo managed to pull in over three-hundred grand last year. That’s almost as much as the minimum salary for a Major League Baseball player!”

Dubsism Says:

I re-read this three times before it dawned on me…it took two guys to make that amount of money, which means when you split it down the middle, they only made about $140,000 each. I’ve made that much in a year, which means this sport doesn’t really count in terms of a “professional” sport in which you can get rich…at least not for dudes.  Misty  May-Treanor could probably make that much just by letting dudes stick dollar bills in her volley-thong.

Properly utilized, that is clearly a $140,000 ass-et.

 12) Kelly Slater – Surfing: $516,000

Esteban Says:

“Just so we’re clear, Florida native Kelly Slater is a dude. A surfer dude, to be precise. And he’s doing well for himself. In fact, half a million is just about what I would have expected for the top pro surfer, which is why Kelly only ranks #12 on this list. He also makes a good chunk of change on endorsements and has a super hot girlfriend. So it definitely wouldn’t suck to be Kelly Slater these days. (Plus, do you get to see stuff like this when you go to work?)”

Dubsism Says:

If you recall the Dubsism test of what constitutes a sport, I’m not sure surfing passes. But let’s be honest, half a million and hot chicks…well, that’s hard to argue with. Besides, there’s always the off-chance he gets eaten.

11) Tim Don – Triathlon: $223,600

Esteban Says:

“This one is kind of mysterious. British triathlete Tim Don has never been ranked higher than #3 in the world, and he did that only once. In 2010 he finished 15th, and yet somehow he on top of the money list with over two-hundred grand. I guess he won the events with the biggest purses. Still, doesn’t really seem fair, does it?”

Dubsism Says:

I had no idea suicide could be profitable. Have you ever seen what the back-end of a triathlon looks like.? It’s a bunch of skinny exercise addicts who have so over-exerted themselves they are losing their bowel control while running.  I have no idea who would pay to see that.

10) Kane Waselenchuk – Racquetball: $300,000

Esteban Says:

“Where, exactly, is professional racquetball a popular sport? I assumed maybe in Europe or Asia, but all of the major events seem to be held in North America. That includes the most prestigious event, the U.S. Open, which is held in Minneapolis.”

“In any case, Canadian Kane Waselenchuk is the top-earning racquetball player in the world these days, pulling in a decent $300,000. (This figure, unlike the others presented here, is actually the sum of his winnings, appearance fees, and endorsements. So Waselenchuk’s salary is probably more like $150,000-$200,000.)”

Dubsism Says:

I tried to play racquetball once. I couldn’t understand the object of the game. It seems to me this whole game is about getting a ball to bounce off two walls before slamming into your opponent’s testicles at meteor-speed.

9) Darren Appleton – Billiards : $118,494

Esteban Says:

“With many or most of the sports on this list, it would almost seem like a waste to put so much hard work and effort into earning such paltry salaries. Sure, you can make $500,000 surfing, but how much of that do you have to spend on travel and other expenses? A whole lot, I’m guessing. And then one day you’ll be too old to make money surfing, and what will you have? (Sorry, Kelly Slater.)”

“But with billiards it’s different. You can afford to make only $118,494 because the expenses are low relative to other sports, and you can be competitive well into your 50s or 60s (as long as you don’t get early onset arthritis). So Darren Appleton here might be okay.”

Dubsism Says:

I wonder if this guy gets paid in quarters. There’s three types of people who are always on the Jones for quarters: people who need them for laundromats, people who ride the bus, and guys who play a lot of bar pool.

And another thing…don’t be that guy who goes to the bar with his own cue. Even if you can end up as this guy, it’s not worth half a million quarters to be such a colossal douche-hammer.

8 ) Nick Matthew – Squash: $166,929

Esteban Says:

“I thought squash was just some game that rich people played as “the club.” I had no idea there was a Professional Squash Association (PSA) and a Women’s International Squash Players Association (WISPA). But there is. And as top dog Nick Matthew shows, you can’t count of squash to make you rich. So I guess you’d better be playing for the love of the game.”

Dubsism Says:

Is it just me, or does that guy look just a bit too much like Colin Cowherd? That in and of itself tells you this sport has an astronomically-high “Nancy-Boy” factor. Besides, the obvious point is well-taken…if this is a “rich guy club” sport, why does Colin up there  make less than almost anybody else on this list?

7) Trevor Brazile – Rodeo: $507,920

Esteban Says:

“I think I expected the top-earners from the world of Rodeo to earn a little more than this. The sport is pretty popular in certain regions (like Texas and Calgary), and the costs involved—well-bred horses and lots and lots of cattle—are pretty high. How much of that $507,920 does Texan Trevor Brazile get to put in the bank at the end of the year?”

Dubsism Says:

This is where Esteban and I part ways. I was shocked to see the top rodeo guy nets half a million bucks a year.  I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve it; I just had no idea there was that much money in it.

Not to mention, look at the look that horse’s eyes. You can just tell he thinks he deserves 57 percent of that half a million. In fact, I think Bryant Gumbel just called rodeo horses “slaves.”

6) Renato Nunes – Bull Riding: $1,594,527

Esteban Says:

“For most people, bull riding is a bit of a novelty. You see people do it on TV, or you hear about bars that have mechanical bull contests, but you kind of forget that this is an actual sport people pay money to watch. So that’s why bull riding ranks to high on the list. It’s certainly not because Brazilian Renato Nunes didn’t earn every penny of that $1.5 million. He most definitely did.”

Dubsism Says:

This guy doesn’t make nearly enough. For all of you NBA panty-wastes who bitch about being underpaid, try doing for one week what this guy does all year long. This event should be called “Professional Testicle-Smashing Which May Also Cripple You And/Or Get a Big Horn Rammed Up Your Anus.”

5) Hakuho – Sumo: $400,000

Esteban Says:

“See, now I thought the top-earning Sumo wrestler would make a hell of a lot more money that this. Though it’s totally a novelty here (like Rodeo), isn’t Sumo kind of a big deal in Japan? You’d think the top sumo wrestler could at least clear $1,000,000. After all, the average salary of a baseball player in Japan is about $450,000. And if they paid them more, maybe Sumo wrestlers wouldn’t have to resort to stealing ATMs.”

Dubsism Says:

This guy only makes $400,000? He eats that much at the $5.99 all-you-can-eat Asian buffet.

4) Walter Ray Williams, Jr. – Bowling: $152,670

Esteban Says:

“Given how much bowling is on TV compared to some of the other sports on this list (like Triathalon), I expected the top-earning pro bowler to be pulling down at least a quarter million, but probably something more along the lines of half a million. Now, I’m sure Walter Ray also has a solid income from endorsements; nevertheless, his actually salary seems shockingly low to me.”

Dubsism Says:

First, that name conjures images of dead girls in a windowless van. Second of all, have you ever watched bowling on television? If you had, you would notice every one of those tournaments which doesn’t happen in the off-Strip backwaters of Las Vegas takes place in exciting urban hot-spots like Columbus, Ohio and North Brunswick, New Jersey.

Besides, if you want to make the big money in bowling, you have to be willing to roll on Shomer Shabbos.

3)  John Baker – Dog Sledding: $50,400

Esteban Says:

“John Baker’s $50,400 dog sledding salary ranks 3rd on this list because it’s surprising in a couple different ways.”

“On the one hand, it’s rather amazing that you can make any kind of living on dog sledding. Everyone’sheard of the Iditarod, but no one knows when it is or who the hell has won it. On the other hand, it’s hard to believe people can afford to compete professionally when making only $50,000 a year.”

“Then again, all the competitions take place in Alaska and northern Canada, so the travel expenses would be relatively low. And you can probably get sponsors to give you dog food, so that takes care of another $10,000 in expenses. So given the low cost of living in the regions where these folks live, I guess they can get by pretty well on fifty grand.”

Dubsism Says:

It doesn’t shock me this guy makes less than I do. It doesn’t shock me this guy looks like his nuts are frozen to his leg.  What shocks me is how does this guy get this much press coverage? There’s nine people trying to get some video or a sound bite off of this guy, and those are just the ones you can see. Either this sport is more popular than we ever imagined, or every single person in Nome, Alaska really needs fresh blog content.

2) Joey Chestnut – Major League Eating: $218,500

Esteban Says:

“Is competitive eating a sport? My instinct says not, but ESPN says yes. And who am I to argue with ESPN?”

“In any case, I was absolutely shocked to learn than you can make this much money by making a complete ass out of yourself on a regular basis. But hey, whatever floats your boat, Joey Chestnut.”

Dubsism Says:

First of all, this is just f–king disgusting. Looking at that, you can just hear the diabetes. This guy must thank God everyday for the Heimlich maneuver.

1)  Phil Taylor – Darts: $1,044,000

Esteban Says:

“British darts champ Phil Taylor made a million bucks in 2010. That just blows my mind. Who knew spending too much time at the pub could become so lucrative?”

Dubsism Says:

We may have found the first guy with a seven-figure income who couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison if he had a fistful of keys. Want to know why? Remember the earlier comment about the guy who brings his own pool cue to the bar? He’s one notch up from the guy who brings his own darts.

Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Milwaukee Brewers

Sure, I know it’s all about baseball, and I know I just wrote a rant asking this guy to kill himself, which is why after you see this picture, you simply cannot want to see success by the Brewers.

Farve could find a way to be the first baseball player to throw three interceptions

That’s right, today brings us a “Hate Brett Favre” double-feature. The worst part is after we saw this picture, we weren’t sure if that was Favre or longtime REAL brewer Geoff Jenkins.

The Baseball Trading Deadline – The Shark Week Comparison

Whether it’s stocks, fantasy baseball, or the real thing, trading can be a dangerous proposition. There’s no guarantee that the deal will work; only time will tell whether your investment pays off or whether you get to sell you blood to make the rent this month.

But, one thing that is certain; where there’s trading there’s bleeding, and nothing draws the sharks like blood in the water. Since we here at Dubsism are at the same time not willing to wait for two years to see who the bleeders are and stuck in the middle of the Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week,” we’ve decided to give the rating of winners and losers a bit of a  ”swim with the sharks” twist.

Great White Shark: San Francisco Giants

Key additions:  SS Orlando Cabrera, 2B Jeff Keppinger, OF Carlos Beltran

Last season, the Giants were the Remora on this list.  It is only fitting that a team makes such a jump up considering the city is located on a peninsula the Spanish named “Tiburon;” their word for “shark.”  The Giants pitching staff is so dominant that any addition of offense makes them the apex predator in a seven-game series.

Tiger Shark: Texas Rangers

Key Additions: RHP Kohji Uehara, RHP Mike Adams

The one thing the Rangers needed was pitching. Since there really wasn’t a big-time starter available, the Rangers seriously upgraded their bullpen. This team now matches up favorably against anybody in the American League.

Bull Shark: Pittsburgh Pirates

Key Additions: 1B Derrek Lee, OF Ryan Ludwick

Yeah, I know, I can’t believe I’m writing about the Pirates in August.  Bull sharks are notorious for conducting the most attacks on humans; the Pirates in recent history have committed the most atrocities against baseball. The Bucs have been a bottom-feeder for nearly two decades, and even if they swim into a gill net and finish the season as baseball’s equivalent of waste at the tuna cannery, it won’t be because they didn’t give an honest effort.

Mako Shark: Atlanta Braves

Key Additions: OF Michael Bourn

This is a case of a shark that is the fastest in the sea, and a seriously feared predator.  If the Braves can stay healthy, the addition of a serious speed threat on the base paths mean Atlanta could easily blow past somebody.

Hammerhead Shark: Philadelphia Phillies

Key Additions: OF Hunter Pence

For the second year in a row, the Phillies are this odd, flat-headed creature. Just looking at a hammerhead, one gets the idea they are completely bereft of the ability to see either forward or backward. With some foresight, they might have seen that losing Jayson Werth would leave their line-up both far too-left-handed and with no protection for Ryan Howard.  However, this move solves a part of that problem; another rightie bat in the Phils’ line-up and/or a good bullpen guy would make them the most complete team in baseball.

Blacktip Reef Shark: Arizona Diamondbacks

Key Additions: RHP Brad Ziegler, RHP Jason Marquis

Timid and skittish, the blacktip reef shark seldom poses a danger in the National League West. And yet, this is the second time the D-Backs find themselves in this spot.  They find themselves here largely because two trades they made last year, and one they didn’t make this year.

This team entered 2011 looking like they needed to swim into a gill net and hope for a better lot in the next life.  But in last year’s Dan Haren deal alone, they unloaded $30 million in salary while getting four pitchers in return, including Joe Saunders, a not-that-long-ago former All-Star. When you add how they fleeced the White Sux for the perenially shaky Edwin Jackson (whose since been dealt twice), the D-backs boast an organization with nine of the top 80 picks from the 2009 draft. After all that, stop and think where this team might be if they  had traded Justin Upton.

Stingray:  Cleveland Indians

Key Additions: OF Kosuke Fukudome, RHP Ubaldo Jimenez

Much like nobody expected a guy who wrestled crocodiles and handled deadly snakes to meet his maker via a swimming carpet, anybody who saw the Indians as a buyer at the deadline is either a visionary or full of shit.  Not to mention, the Indians should get a mention for bringing up Jason Kipnis, who it seems hit about sixty home runs last week.

Nurse Shark: Boston Red Sox

Key Additions:  LHP Erik Bedard, RHP Josh Fields

Much like a nurse shark is a large fearsome looking creature that actually has the aggression level of Mickey Mouse on valium, the Red Sox look like a contender until you take a hard look at them. Seriously, once you look past that gawdy offense, you see right away this team has a pitching staff that is smoke and mirrors show in an intensive care unit. Granted, Josh Beckett seems to finally found a way to not suck, Lester is trying his hardest not to suck, but there’s a big drop-off after that…Tim Wakefield? John Lackey? Could somebody in Red Sawwwx nation be sure to let me know when the funerals for Daisuke Matsuzaka, Rich Hill, Bobby Jenks, and Clay Buchholz will be?

To that train wreck, the BoSox only add a questionable big-league starter who had given up 11 earned runs in his last 13 innings pitched before the trade, and a guy who is sporting an ERA over 6.00 in Triple-A.

At least the Yankees can’t pitch either.

Skate: Cincinnati Reds

Key Additions:  OF Bill Rhinehart, LHP Chris Manno

Much like the skate is hardly a shark, the Reds are hardly a contender. Granted, they have the reigning MVP in Joey Votto, and they have a Cy Young contender in Johnny Cueto (yeah, I can’t believe I just wrote that either). The problem is that’s only a pair in a poker hand that need three-of-a-kind at best to win.

The Reds really could have addressed some needs; every other team trying to win this shit heap of a division did so. Instead, the played the role of bottom feeder by trading an under-performer in Jonny Gomes for two serious “maybe in a few years” types. This is just another reason why the Reds in their current configuration never  should be taken seriously.

Dogfish: Detroit Tigers

Key Additions: RHP Doug Fister, RHP David Pauley,  3B Wilson Betemit

Yeah, I get the pseudo-irony of a team with a decidedly feline mascot being slapped with the Dogfish, but let’s be honest…two of the three guys they acquired are dogs.  Doug Fister might be a serviceable #3-#4 guy in a rotation, but who knows what Pauley is, and Betemit just plain sucks.

Remora: St. Louis Cardinals

Key Additions: RHP Octavio Dotel, RHP Edwin Jackson, LHP Marc Rzepczynski, SS Rafael Furcal, OF Corey Patterson

Yeah, we know a remora isn’t a shark, but you can’t watch Shark Week without seeing one. If you  aren’t familiar, a remora is one of those little fish that just hangs around, cleaning up whatever bits the big sharks leave behind. Lots of other sharks had a major feeding, and the Cards sucked up a lot of remnants.

Bathtub Toy Shark:  Milwaukee Brewers

Key Additions:  IF/OF Jerry Hairston, Jr., RHP Francisco Rodriguez

A 35-year old utility player who hits .250 with no power, and an over-priced and possibly washed-up reliever.  At least these type decisions are right at home in the NL Central.

The Chum Bucket: Los Angeles Angels & New York Yankees

"Yeah, I'd like to see you come down here and spoon out some of this slop..."

Just as you would expect, this would a a mish-mash of the assorted pieces left over from those who really didn’t figure out what the trade game is all about. For example, the Los Angeles Angels did NOTHING despite the fact they desperately need another bat.

As far as New York is concerned, re-read the above paragraph and replace the word “Angels” with “Yankees,” and replace the word “bat” with the phrase “solid starting pitcher.”

The Idiot Who Gets Bitten Because He’s an Idiot:

Again, this is something that no Shark Week would be complete without. You’ve all seen this guy, usually a fisherman who while trying to retrieve a 40-cent hook somehow forgets that even small sharks have mouths full of razor-sharp teeth that make an exceptionally efficient finger-removal tool.

Welcome to the world of the Houston Astros, a team who last year actually gave the Yankees, a.k.a. the richest team in baseball $4 million to put Lance Berkman in pinstripes, and this year proceeded to have a fire sale of such proportions that the Astros may lose 100 games a season for the next half-decade.

Five Current Events That Piss Us Off and Their Sports Equivalents

Editor’s Note: This article is a collaborative effort between Dubsism and Ryan Meehan from First Order Historians. Ryan also has his own blog, East End Philadelphia, which is featured in our BlogRoll and it is well worth the read.

Today’s world gives us no shortage of things which make us want to stab ourselves in the eyes. Many of us retreat into the world of sports to escape the fetid sewer that is current events. The trouble is that if you think about it, the world of sports is simply a reflection of that sewer; as if ESPN were a constipated horse who has been fed nothing but Taco Bell for a month finally letting loose on a big mirror.

Yeah, it sounds like a far-fetched concept until you consider the following:

1) People who believe we were wrong for killing Osama Bin Laden

We only have two words for you Prius-driving sanctimonious assholes who think your diet of tofu and sticks gives you the right to opine on a war in which your very own tree-hugging ass has a stake; those of you who believes there is a justification for having a moral, ethical, or tactical disagreement with how we went about killing the world’s moist infamous terrorist.

Fuck you.

Let’s break down your arguments; doing so opens a veritable Pandora’s Box of stupidity clad in Birkenstocks wrapped a sheath of completely hypocritical pussification.

First there’s the moral – this was a military mission to kill the world’s most dangerous terrorist, one who got that distinction by killing tens of thousands of innocent people of various cultures in hundreds of terrorist attacks against various targets in various countries. However, just because America is amongst the list of countries upon which these atrocities were inflicted, and because you happen to hate America, somehow your education consisting of three semesters of community college allowed you to justify the evil of Osama Bin Laden. In other words, your “morality” allows for the slaughter of innocent people just because you think Wall Street is responsible for your inability to get a “real” job. Wall Street isn’t what is keeping you a 35-year old guy waiting tables; the fact that you spend all day smoking dope and whining about shit you are never going to get off your ass to change is.

Then, there’s the ethical.  Bartender, set up a shot of 190-proof Truth – sometimes, there is no other way to deal with bad people than to turn them into dead people. That’s why the goal of the mission wasn’t to put Bin Laden into a “time out;” the goal was to kill him.

These people are our enemies for a reason: They dedicate their entire lives towards making sure that we live in fear by killing innocent people. Not to mention, you can’t negotiate with somebody who is willing to die in the process of killing you; fanatics don’t believe in peace, they believe in death.

Now for the shot of 190-Proof Irony – all you dumbfucks who think this war is somehow America’s fault and love to spend all your time protesting don’t understand that if America were to lose it’s freedoms to these kind of people, your Birkenstock-wearing asses would be the first ones to get marched down into a gravel pit and machine-gunned. Go wave your hippie protest signs on a street corner in Teheran and see how long it takes you to end up with a rope around your fucking neck.

See, the dirty little secret is that democracies rarely lose their freedoms to military conquest; rather they tend to give them away because we allow people who contribute nothing to society to have an equal say about matters of common concern. Chowski had a great thought about this: “If you’re a dictator that holds people in oppression your entire life, the chances that you will die peacefully in your sleep are very slim.” Truer words were never spoken, but the converse is equally true: A democracy which does not defend its freedoms against all threats both foreign and domestic is destined to lose them.

In other words, you need to understand these people want to kill you just as much as they want to kill us. If you want to wait like cattle for the slaughter, that’s fine; nobody needs you. But stay the fuck out of the way of those of us who value our lives.

The Sporting Equivalent: Now that Bin Laden is gone, can the Navy Seals take out Bud Selig?

Let’s look at the similarities between the late uber-terrorist and Osama Bud Selig: Bin Laden has led a decades-long war against the West, Selig has spent decades destroying baseball from within. Look at some of Selig’s shining accomplishments:

• Ushered into the ranks of ownership lowlifes like Frank McCourt, Fred Wilpon, and Tom Ricketts
• Defaulted the real seat of power in baseball from the Commissioner’s office to owners like the late George Steinbrenner and Jerry Reinsdorf
• Oversaw the explosion of salaries due to the irresponsibility of the owners, and blamed in on the players
• Allowed a work stoppage that cancelled a World Series and shortened two seasons
• Nearly allowed another work stoppage after the first fiasco
• Got rid of a bunch of terrible umpires, only to replace them with worse ones
• Threatened contraction – again blaming fans for the stupidity of owners
• Ignored the whole steroid problem, then tried to act like some pretentious defender of virtue once he got off his pock-mark ass

Show me a bigger threat to his sport than Selig, and we can call off the Seals. Until then, I want the Seals to bring me his hollowed-out skull.

2) The Casey Anthony Trial

Thanks to the NFL Lockout, you would think that infant killing became our new national sport. You would think the gruesome details of the malicious, intentional death of two-year old girl would be anything that you’d want to hear about. Yet, you can’t turn on your TV without hearing more minutia about how some high school dropout couldn’t take the pressure of changing a diaper, so she killed her baby.

Sorry, but it’s not fascinating; it’s horrible. The problem is there are people out there who have this kind of dysfunction in their real lives, and if you happen to know these people, you see the kind of suffering the sort of selfish sociopathic bitch like Casey Anthony can inflict. J-Dub happens to know somebody who wanted grandchildren more than anything else in this world, then had her daughter threaten to get an abortion if she wouldn’t provide free day-care. What do you think the odds are of that kid ending up duct-taped in a Hefty Cinch-Sack the first time “Mommie Dearest” wants to hang out with her lowlife, druggie friends?

It all comes down to this. It is a genuinely terrible thing it took those kids for everybody to realize what worthless pieces of shit their mothers are. It’s hard to tell which is the bigger crime, a mother who fucks up her whole life with bad decisions, covers herself in tattoos, and finally loses the respect of her family whom she used and abused her whole life, then tries to opt out of her responsibility by killing her own child, then acts shocked when she is hauled in front of a jury to answer for it, or that same jury deciding that her long list of manipulative lies are a good enough reason to let a murderer take a hike.

Regardless of whether you are a baby-killer or a sucker juror, did you really think we all wouldn’t notice what was really happening here?

To that end, here’s the letter Meehan sent to America’s new sweetheart:

Dear Casey:

You a misanthropic bitch whom no one should feel sorry for and you sincerely deserve all of the psychological torture that you have endured. It is truly a shame that you will miss the chance to be repeatedly raped with a mop handle before eventually being beaten to death with a tube sock full of batteries in prison.

Warmest regards,

Ryan Meehan

Of course, he fucked up by accidentally mailing the letter to Elizabeth Smart. Boy, was his face red!!!

The Sporting Equivalent: O.J. Simpson

Americans really have trouble with stereotypes.  Murderers aren’t supposed to be sports stars or the “girl next door.” Maybe this is why two clearly guilty people like Anthony and Simpson got away with murder. Or it could be because both cases had prosecutors who couldn’t convict a ham sandwich.

In either event, what matters is that the more you shine a camera on something, the more confused the picture gets. With Anthony, it all became about whether or not she was a “good mother” and “accidental death;” with Simpson it was all about “if it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.” It was all enough to make people forget about the victims, which is a crime in and of itself.

3) Anybody whose last name is “Kardashian”

First of all, why the fuck are these wastes of oxygen famous in the first place? Beside the facts their father was one of those scumbag lawyers that allowed O.J. Simpson to get away with murder, and their step-father is some ex-Olympic hero who has had enough bad plastic surgery to make him look like the wife of a Romanian goat farmer, we both have become convinced they exist only for those times when you are stuck standing in line at the supermarket where they assail you from the cover of every one of those brain-softening tabloids.

It's only takes 4.7 Rebounds and 5.6 Points Per Game to tap that ass.

For the unpardonable crime of trying to buy a gallon of milk, I have to live through the “news” that one of these multi-talentless bimbos is pregnant, one of them is tired of being called fat, and another one is getting yet another series of spooge injections into her ever-widening ass which has become little more than a dick pin-cushion for every 2nd-rate pro athlete. Stop wasting my time with these stupid bitches until the “news” is about a fatal car accident, complete with photos of their corpses impaled on a guardrail.

Oh, and a hearty “Fuck off and die” to every one of you late-night talk show hosts who perpetuate this plague by giving these morons a forum in which they are allowed to speak like they are some sort of role model. Anybody who thinks a Kardashian has anything meaningful to offer should have their genitalia removed with a hedge-clipper to save future generations from this mental gonorrhea.

Since they want to eye-rape all of us with their reality-show bullshit, here’s how we really give it some spice. We turn the show into a game-show style contest, where these three compete with each other doing what they do best, exploiting their own alleged sexuality. The stunts they have to pull become increasingly difficult as the game goes on, with the ultimate goal being like a “snuff” film; all three of them choking to death on a flaming railroad tie.

The Sporting Equivalent: Danica Patrick

Yeah, I know we’ve beat on her before, but she representative of the same problem. She exploits her supposed sexuality, which covers for the fact she’s never won a fucking thing, which covers for the fact she is about as important to racing as a quart of engine sludge.

Not to mention, I wouldn’t mind seeing her get the flaming railroad tie treatment.

4) The “Angry Birds” app

Meehan works in the cell phone industry, which explains why the mere mention of this app causes him to turn purple and lose control of his body functions. For those of you who aren’t familiar, it consists of a slingshot on the left hand side of the screen. A bird is in the slingshot, and when you press the screen the bird flies across the screen and knocks bricks out of different structures.

That’s it. No explosions, no real mayhem, no large breasted comic-book style heroines flashing their wares. Just fucking birds.

Bea Arthur and Sam the Eagle -The original angry birds.

First of all, I’m shocked the ASPCA or PETA hasn’t gotten their collective tampons in a knot over this. They’d have no case, but neither do any of their other claims; but this is the perfect sort of meaningless shit they love to get all worked up over. If someone designed an application where you shot kittens out of a cannon, even if they landed on giant white fluffy pillows we’d never hear the end of it from either of those two groups.

So, basically Arkanoid wasn’t good enough, so we killed it, but people had the desire to shoot bird-like characters across the screen and to fill that need, we got this shit. Fuck that noise, Arkanoid was awesome.

The Sporting Equivalent: ESPN3.com

If you wanted proof ESPN really doesn’t get what its viewers want, just look at ESPN3.com, the World Wide Leader’s attempt at streaming sporting events on-line. Your viewing selections include (whenever the site isn’t locking up your browser) such exciting events like AAU basketball, FIFA’s Under-17 World Cup, the American Le Mans Series Northeast Grand Prix (Qualifying Rounds Only), and the World Netball Championships, whatever the fuck that is.

Show me Danica Patrick and Hannah Storm doing a guest spot on the new and improved Kardashian Flaming Railroad Tie Hour and I’m totally there.

5) Bruno Mars and that awful “Grenade” song

Exaggerating is something that even I find myself doing quite a bit, but Bruno Mars does it to a level that is just over-the-top dopey. The perfect example lies in this cocksmoking tool’s song “Grenade.” Basically, he is using this song to tell the world he’s just another guy who has fallen in love, and therefore relinquished any claim to his balls. In short, he dick-fucks your eardrums for three minutes regaling you with tales of all the shit he would suffer through would suffer through for this girl. To be quite honest, I wish these weren’t figures of speech because I’d love to see this guy do any of this stuff he mentions in the song.

“I’d catch a grenade for love”

This is just stupid. Nobody catches grenades. Nobody expects anybody to catch grenades. Not to mention, since when does a gesture of love require A) a third party and B) military-grade explosives. Ladies, if you are dating Bruno Mars, this line likely means he thinks it would be the “bomb” to have a three-way with you and his buddy who also couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison even if he had a fistful of keys. So, unless you want to end up on the old “spit-roast,” you need to ditch this clown. Face it, only a guy who can’t get laid would go to the extreme of grenade-catching.

“I’d jump in front of a train for love”

That actually sounds pretty hardcore, until you stop to think about the logical extension. The whole point of some sort of “Grand gesture of love” is to get some chick to come across with some action. Even if your “gesture” moves her so much to give you the best head you’ve ever had in your life, the exercise is a bit pointless if your junk ends up floating in a jar down at the County Hospital.

“I’d do anything for love”

If you’d catch a grenade or jump in front of a train for her love, by this point she knows you’re desperate. Saying “I’d do anything for love” just means she can’t wait to hear the next dumbass stunt you’re about to propose; meanwhile she’s thinking about all the practical stuff you will be doing for her just for the promise of a little trim. Next time she moves, guess who is going to get a fucking hernia lugging her shit up three flights of stairs? That would be you, “Mr. I would do anything for love.” Besides, Meat Loaf already covered this.

“I would die for you baby, but you won’t do the same…”

Well, not after that she won’t…You want to know why? You’ve already shown you aren’t worth dying for. Know what people die for? Things that matter, like the honor of duty for your country, or to save the life of another human being, not for some crybaby raisin-sac whose whole life seems to revolve around getting a piece of ass and making a complete douche-nozzle of himself in the process.

The Sporting Equivalent: Pay-Per-View Sports

This all starts back in the late 80’s, but it continues to this day. Today, it’s all that UFC, wrestling, and monster truck shit, but back in the day there was no better way to fleece the guy “who would do anything for sports” then to get him to pony up $50 for a Mike Tyson vs. Insert Future Corpse Here fight; one that inevitably only lasted 80 seconds.

See, the problem is since the guy “who would do anything for sports” is also “the guy who would do anything for love,” he’s blown all his dough romancing that chick who works at McBurgerQueen who has pimples and kind of a big butt, but has a first-class set of knockers. This means he’s invited all of his buddies over to watch the fight if they chip in on the cost.

It gets worse when the aforementioned lack of funds means he has to pass the hat for beer money, and while he’s hustling down to the Kwik-i-Mart in order to get back before the fight, the guy in line in front of him at the store is trying to buy something with a check, and by the time he gets back, Tyson’s opponent has long since been hit by the train, caught the grenade, or whatever other sort of analogy you wish to use for Tyson’s patented brand of “I’m gonna fuck you ‘til you love me”  prison violence.

Here’s the deal…Let that moment where you realize the replay just doesn’t have the same effect and you know it never will; let that moment be the one of clarity where you realize Pay-Per-View isn’t worth it, and neither is that chick at McBurgerQueen.

Stay tuned to Dubsism and East End Philadelphia for more up to the the minute advice on how to be undeniably awesome.

-J-Dub and Meehan

The Ten Most Disgusting Parasites and Their Equivalent Parasitic Sports Figures

Once again, the good people over at Listverse have given a list which in turn gave me pause to compare it to sports figures. Sports are a reflection of a world that is full of parasites, and so it seemed natural to compare those of the sports world to those of the real one.

#10) Bedbugs

Some of you may not know that bedbugs are actually more than just a cute little good night rhyme that your parents said to you before you went to sleep. They are as real as the other 9 entries. While they are not the worst or deadliest on the list they certainly have their share of difficulties.

Bedbugs have been on the rise lately and there are several theories as to why. Some point to increased international travel while others blame the lack of bedbug killing insecticides, most popularly DDT as well as the increasing use of gel-based insecticides. These gel-based insecticides are completely ineffective against bedbugs since bedbugs do not feed on anything other than blood. Control and elimination can only be achieved through repeated sprayings with an appropriate bug killer by a professional exterminator.

The bedbug is like a small tick that typically lives in and around the area of the mattress. They feed mostly during the night although they have been known to feed during any hour of the day. Due to their small size the bedbug can hide in mattresses, mattress seams, baseboards, headboards, screw holes, carpets, cracks in walls, bedroom clutter; practically anywhere in or around the bedroom. Bedbugs have been known to nest and walk as far as 100 feet in order to feed on their host.

The bites they leave are usually mistaken as mosquito or spider bite since the irritation and redness is very much the same. There is no scientific evidence that they spread disease although the bite sites may become infected due to scratching the bites. The misdiagnosis of the bites can also lead to a dramatic increase in infestation numbers before detection. The worst problems with bedbug infestations are not physical, but psychological. Once bedbugs are detected the host usually has heightened levels of anxiety, paranoia and fear.

Bedbugs are very difficult to detect and all too often a major infestation has occurred before detection. Their small size and elusive behavior only add to their difficult detection. Bedbugs are usually associated with lack of cleanliness and squalor, but this is not the case. Even the most posh and lavish hotels, apartments and homes have been infested with bedbugs. The bedbug can “hitch” a ride in clothes, luggage, purses, back packs and essentially anything that a small apple seed sized insect can work its way into. They are flat like a tick and can go over a year without feeding and still remain alive.

Another reason why bedbugs are a huge problem, aside from their detection difficulty and ability to live without sustenance for long periods of time, is their ability to breed rapidly. The female can lay over 500 eggs during a lifetime. Once the eggs hatch the bedbugs will immediately begin to feed. They usually feed once every several days and will pass through 5 molting stages, lasting 5 weeks before becoming a mature adult capable of breeding.

Representative Sports Figure: The Pittsburgh Pirates

In much the same way bedbugs are mistaken initially for other pests, The Pirates have been mistaken for a major league franchise for the better part of the last two decades.

#9) Lice

The human louse is an epidemic affecting both children and adults though children seem to be more susceptible to infestation. African Americans are less likely to get lice because of the characteristics of their hair. Other hair types seem to be more ideal and suitable to the louse.

There are many different types of lice. The most commonly known is the head louse though there is also the body louse and the pubic louse. These aforementioned lice species are the only ones that are solely reliant upon humans for blood. Other species exist, but are limited to other animals.

The life of the louse is somewhat short. The eggs will hatch within about 6-9 days after which the nymph will molt 3 times over a 7 day period before becoming an adult. The molted shells and egg shells remain attached to the hair near the scalp. The adults are very fast moving and will usually live for about a month while feeding on blood and continuing to breed and produce eggs. The female louse is able to produce between 7-12 eggs per day.

Lice are very little yet easily detectable. Noticeable itching and redness occurs around the infested area as well as the occasional pustule. A fine toothed comb or a louse comb can be used to capture eggs and the lice themselves. Over the counter and prescription medications can be used to rid the host of the lice. It is also advised that everyone within the household be checked for lice as well as recurrence is common.

Representative Sports Figure: Chris Berman

I don’t think anybody ever died from lice, much like nobody ever really killed themselves after being forced to listen to Chris Berman, although I’m sure they wanted to.  Berman was just kitschy enough to be interesting almost thirty years ago, but now he’s just become another bloated reason why the common perception is ESPN is out to suck the enjoyment out of sports one drop at a time.

Besides, he just makes me itch.

# 8 ) Leeches

One common misconception surrounding leeches is that all of them are completely reliant on blood from animals and humans. Blood-seeking leeches are only one type of leech. Some species of leeches feed on invertebrates and do not live in the water, but on the moist earthen floor and, under more dry circumstances, underground. Leeches are segmented worms closely related to the common earthworm.

The sanguivorous, or blood-sucking, leech is most often found in still or slowly moving water, but can also be found on land. The usual method of attachment to a host is by waiting on the ground or at the bottom of the floor of a body of water. Here they spend their time sensing movement or changes in light patterns. Upon sensing a potential host the leech will waver its body to and fro attempting to “fish” for the host.

The leech will use the sucker part of its mouth and the jawed leech will use its many toothed jaw to create an incision on the host. Afterwards the leech will secrete mucus like substances in order to remain attached to the host. The leech then relaxes its body after using anti-coagulants and a histamine to prevent clotting of blood and also to prevent the blood from turning indigestible. This is the amazing attribute of leeches that aids in using them for medicinal purposes.

The wound is not as bad as you might think. It may become irritated and ooze blood and fluid for several hours, but loss of blood is minimal. Infections are rare and although allergic reactions do happen they are usually nothing to concern one’s self about.

Representative Sports Figure: Agents

To borrow a line form a movie most famous for featuring an agent, “you had me at bloodsucker.”

# 7) Ticks

Ticks are classified as arachnids and there are many, many different varieties both hard and soft. The most commonly known are the black-legged tick, the lone star tick, the deer tick and the dog tick. The tick is capable of carrying diseases as well. The most well known are Rocky Mountain spotted fever and Lyme disease.

Ticks are usually found in areas with heavy underbrush and high weeds and grass as well as areas commonly traversed by deer and horses. The tick will wait in this type of environment as its host walks by where it will grab a hold and work its way toward a suitable area of the body, most often where an abundance of hair is present. On humans this is usually the scalp, but on other mammals this could be anywhere. This allows the tick to remain virtually undetected for several weeks as if gorges on the blood of the host.

Ticks have a fascinating lifecycle. There are three different types of ticks so far as the lifecycle is concerned. The one host female tick lives off of one single host for its entire life before dropping off and laying its eggs. Then there are the two host and three host ticks which live off of either two or three hosts in its lifecycle.

Many people have had ticks and many people have had to remove one. There are common misconceptions on how to remove ticks. Some people say to use the hot end of a match on the tick or spread a salve or petroleum jelly on the tick so that it will be unable to breathe and remove itself. These methods are both ineffective and unsafe as the tick could become agitated and regurgitate into the area in which it is attached thus increasing the possibility of disease or infection.

The best method of tick removal is to take a pair of tweezers and pinch as close as possible to the mouth of the tick, the point at which its head meets the area where the tick is lodged. Slowly and steadily pull the tick out. Avoid twisting or wrenching. After removal it is advised to either flush the tick down the toilet or put it in a container full of isopropyl alcohol to both kill it and preserve it just in case an illness befalls the host shortly after. This way it can be taken to a doctor and identified so that proper treatment can be administered.

Representative Sports Figure: The International Olympic Committee

Lies in wait for an unsuspecting host to come along, then latches on and sucks the blood out of it. Just ask any city that has been a host.

#6) Fleas

The flea is another common parasite. These things easily reproduce and can become a very big problem in only a short amount of time. Have you ever heard of The Black Plague? You can thank the flea for that.

Like the mosquito, fleas need blood from mammalian hosts in order to reproduce. Fleas will lay their eggs on the host which usually leads to an infestation of fleas originating around where the host most often resides, such as a pet’s sleeping area. Once the eggs hatch, typically within a few days to a few weeks, the larvae will spend their time in the larval stage consuming any available organic material such as dead skin cells and fecal remnants. The larval stage will last anywhere from 1 week to 2 weeks.

After three separate larval stages, the flea will create a silk-like cocoon and emerge after an additional 1-2 weeks. It is now time for the flea to find a host and begin providing blood for a new generation of offspring. In the small life of the flea, usually a few weeks, the female can lay several hundred eggs. This can lead to a severe infestation in almost no time at all.

The fleas are very versatile. Their bodies are flattened laterally to allow them to move easily on their host and also avoid being crushed. Their ability to jump is also a marvel. They have been known to jump over 100 times their body length. The fleas that typically bite humans are often cat fleas.

Representative Sports Figure: Randy Moss

Much like a flea, Moss is known for his jumping ability, his attitude can easily infest an entire team in no time, and he provides a general level of irritation. But unlike fleas, we may be done with Randy Moss.

# 5) Mosquitoes

I’m sure that most of us have been bitten by a mosquito before. These pesky flying insects are not only a nuisance but also a deadly health threat. They can carry many different types of parasites and diseases which cause conditions such as West Nile Virus, malaria, yellow fever and can even inject a parasite which causes elephantiasis. Mosquitoes are responsible for millions of deaths due to their ability to carry disease from host to host.

The mosquito needs blood in order to reproduce. Thus, it is the female of the species that is responsible for biting mammals. Interestingly enough, both the male and female mosquitoes regularly feed on nectar from flowers and fruits. However, the female requires the necessary proteins from blood to reproduce.

The mosquito’s life begins with the already mature female laying her eggs on fresh and stagnant water in groups of up to fifty. With enough blood she can produce these groups of eggs every three days for her entire lifetime. The female must lay her eggs in still standing water which is why it is recommended that you eliminate any free standing water around your property to minimize the possibility of a mosquito infestation.

Once the eggs have been laid they hatch in a mere 48 hour period. The larvae will live near the surface of the water anywhere from 1-2 weeks depending upon the temperature of the water in which they live. After this period they become pupa and will pupate in only a few days afterwards becoming adult mosquitoes.

The mosquito is attracted to a person’s body heat and also their scent, if you will. It is advised that you avoid heavy perfumes and colognes since they are attracted to sweet smells. However this is not a complete deterrent.

The female mosquito uses a complex proboscis coupled with an anti-coagulant within its saliva to draw blood from its host. Most often the host has no idea that it has been bitten until it is too late and the trademark itchy bump appears. These lesions are extremely itchy and easily irritated. Scratching can lead to infection so an anti-itch ointment should be applied to minimize the itch.

Representative Sports Figure: Roger Goodell

The $10 million salary Goodell draws from the NFL might as well be blood.  Considering where he is taking the NFL, he might as well be the mosquito that give the league a fatal case of malaria.

# 4) Mites

Mites are a very common type of organism. There are many classifications of mites including, but not limited to, dust mites, fowl mites, dog mites, deer mites, chigger mites and scabies mites just to name a few. There are even mites living on you right now called hair follicle mites that are feeding on the oily secretions from your hair and scalp, but don’t worry. These mites are a normal part of the living process for us humans and those of us with good hygiene will never even notice that they exist since they are microscopic and completely harmless. Most of the time mites do not pose any type of threat or problem for humans, but the mites will feed on the blood of humans if its usual host is unavailable.

The most common mites that cause problems for humans are scabies. These microscopic parasites can cause extreme itching and red lesions on infected areas as they live their lives in and on the skin. Often times the infection is diagnosed as parasitic dermatitis and can be easily treated with prescription topical ointments.

Representative Sports Figure: Frank and Jamie McCourt

Normally, we would never have to care about these two morons, until they decided to a) buy a baseball team and b) make that team a part of their monstrous divorce proceedings.  At least they are destroying the Los Angeles Dodgers, which proves even parasites can be helpful.

#3) Human Botflies

Botfly is a rather broad term given to any species of fly whose larvae live as parasites within the body of mammals. This can include anything from horses to sheep and deer and, as the title indicates, humans.

The human botfly maggot is contracted by mosquitoes and is most often found in Central and South America. The fly will capture the mosquito and lay several eggs on its body. Eventually, the mosquito will find a human and, during feeding, the eggs will fall onto the person and hatch. The botfly maggot will then chew its way into the host’s body. There it remains for approximately 5-6 weeks until it becomes engorged with flesh, all the while carving a hole in its hungering wake. At this stage, if left undetected, the maggot will pop its way out of the small hole that it has eaten inside of the host and fall to the ground where they pupate into an adult botfly in about 20 days time. Thus, the life cycle begins all over again.

The symptoms of a botfly maggot are not very difficult to detect. As the maggot begins to feed on the flesh of its host it will become bigger and bigger as the days pass often becoming red and swollen. The hole in which the botfly maggot has carved itself in the host’s tissue serves as a breathing passage for the larva. Every few minutes the larva will have to quickly and partially emerge from the hole to breathe.

Extraction of the botfly maggot is difficult and care must be taken when removal is being attempted. This process should be undertaken by a doctor or surgeon since trying to remove the larva without professional help can result in the maggot bursting, subsequently leading to serious infection.

Representative Sports Figure: The NCAA

If there were ever an organization that has burrowed its way so deeply into a sports it may never be able to be removed, it is the NCAA. The entirety of college sport is infected by the NCAA, and without professional removal, it will continue to be a parasitic influence on collegiate athletics.

#2) Tapeworms

Tapeworms are similar to hookworms. They are intestinal parasites that can be transmitted through soil and fecal matter, but most often are ingested by humans through undercooked meats that have not been adequately cooked to kill the tapeworm eggs. The tapeworms set up shop in the muscles of the host animal after being ingested through the feeding of grass or contaminated vegetables. The animal is eventually slaughtered and becomes food for us as humans.

The human host will ingest the tapeworm egg and as digestion of the food occurs the egg will eventually hatch and grow from a larva to an adult while feeding on blood and nutrients via the intestinal wall. The adults, being hermaphrodites, can then produce more eggs which will be released from the body through the stool. The eggs can linger around the toilet bowl or can even be flushed down the commode where they can infest the soil through sewage and irrigation water, thus, beginning the cycle all over again.

The symptoms of a tapeworm infection are very difficult to spot as there are often no outward symptoms to indicate an infection for a very long period of time. This can lead to the tapeworm growing up to 30 feet in small, segmented lengths resulting in a bloated stomach and malnutrition, amongst other conditions. These parasites have been known to live for a few decades if left untreated.

Representative Sports Figure: The WNBA

Face it, what started as a way for some arena owner’s to fill some dates in the summer has become a useless drain on the NBA, which can sorely afford any drains right about now.

# 1) Hookworms

The hookworm is transmitted through fecal matter. The eggs will hatch within about a week and grow into larvae which can live for close to a month within the soil of the earth or the feces which bore them. Upon contact with humans, usually through the foot, the worm will work its way through the host’s veins, into the heart and eventually the lungs. After entering the lungs they are sometimes expelled through mucus during a cough or simply swallowed by themselves. This gives the worm a one way ticket into the small intestine.

After setting up residence in the intestine the worm will attach itself to the intestinal wall and begin feeding on the host’s blood. If left undetected and untreated the hookworm can reproduce resulting in a serious intestinal infestation. This can lead to anemia, extreme abdominal pain, diarrhea, constipation, fatigue and even a bizarre hunger for inedible things like dirt and mud. The life cycle of the worm begins anew when the host releases more eggs through bowel movements.

Representative Sports Figure:  Donald Sterling

Sterling represents all that is parasitic about a bad owner; he’s taken a bad team and made it the worst organization ever. Worse yet, he’s found a way to make money, and his model has been replicated all over professional sports.

Ten Famous Deaths By Radiation Poisoning and Their Equivalent Sports Firings

Over on Listverse, there has been another great-yet-odd list compiled. While the subject doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that I found it comparable to a somehow-sports-related screed, it is really hard to resist a list of people who were killed by radiation. Just think, the same power that heats up your lunch in 90 seconds can also reduce you to a pile of symptoms like severe nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, rapid hair loss, infections, edema, high fever, and coma and/or death.

Of course, terrible sports coaches and managers are another force that can turn you into a retching pile of guts. So, it only seems natural to compare 10 great deaths by radiation sickness with 10 notorious sackings of sports leaders.

#10) Cecil Kelley

On December 30, 1958 an accident occurred in the Los Alamos plutonium-processing facility. Cecil Kelley, an experienced chemical operator was working with a large mixing tank. The solution in tank was supposed to be “lean”, typically less than 0.1 grams of plutonium per liter. However, the concentration on that day was actually 200 times higher. When Kelley switched on the stirrer, the liquid in the tank formed a vortex and the plutonium containing layer went critical releasing a huge burst of neutrons and gamma radiation in a pulse that lasted a mere 200 microseconds.

Kelley, who had been standing on a foot ladder peering into the tank through a viewing window, fell or was knocked to the floor. Two other operators on duty saw a bright flash and heard a dull thud. Quickly, they rushed to help and found Kelley incoherent and saying only, “I’m burning up! I’m burning up!”. He was rushed to the hospital, semiconscious, retching, vomiting, and hyperventilating. At the hospital, Kelly’s bodily excretions were sufficiently radioactive to give a positive reading on a detector.

Two hours after the accident, Kelley’s condition improved as he regained coherence. However, it was soon clear that Kelley would not survive long. Tests showed his bone marrow was destroyed, and the pain in his abdomen became difficult to control despite medication. Kelley died 35 hours after the accident.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Bum Phillips Being Fired by the Houston Oilers

All Bum Phillips did was usher in the “Luv Ya Blue” era for the Oilers; you know, that fleeting glimpse of time when pro football in Houston didn’t suck. But much like Kelly, Phillips’ demise wasn’t his own fault. Phillips got the gate in Houston because he was unable to do something nobody in the 70′s could; beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.

#9) Harry K. Daghnian, Jr.

Harry K. Daghlian, Jr. was an Armenian-American physicist with the Manhattan Project. On August 21, 1945 he was conducting an experiment attempting to build a neutron reflector by manually stacking a series of tungsten carbide bricks around a plutonium core. As he was moving the final block over the assembly, neutron counters alerted Daghlian to the fact that the addition of this brick would render the system supercritical. As he withdrew his hand, he accidentally dropped the brick onto the center of the assembly. The addition of this last brick caused the reaction to go immediately supercritical.

Daghnian panicked immediately after dropping the brick and attempted to knock off the brick without success. He was forced to partially disassemble the tungsten carbide pile to halt the reaction causing him to receive a lethal dose of neutron radiation. He died 25 days later. Daghlian was violating safety regulations by working on the assembly late at night and alone in the laboratory.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Dennis Green Being Fired By the Minnesota Vikings

Nothing defines the Dennis Green era in Minnesota quite like pure, uncut incompetence. Green clearly Sadly, Green’s death took longer than 25 days; Denny lingered for ten years, a decade that saw the Vikings win absolutely nothing despite having monstrously talented teams. But as we know now, nothing destroys talent quite like stupidity.

#8 ) Louis Slotin

Louis Slotin was a Canadian physicist and chemist who took part in the Manhattan Project that created the first atomic bombs. He participated in criticality testing of plutonium cores, often referred to as “tickling the dragon’s tail.”

On May 21, 1946 Slotin and seven other colleagues performed an experiment that involved the creation of one of the first steps of a fission reaction by placing two half-spheres of beryllium around a plutonium core. Slotin was stabilizing the upper beryllium sphere with his left hand using the blade of a screwdriver to maintain the separation between the two half-spheres in violation of experimental protocol. At 3:20pm the screwdriver slipped causing the upper beryllium sphere to fall creating a prompt critical reaction and a burst of radiation. Scientists in the room observed a blue glow around the spheres and felt a heat wave.

Slotin instinctively jerked his left hand upward, lifting the upper beryllium hemisphere and dropping it to the floor, ending the reaction. However, Slotin had already been exposed to a lethal dose of radiation, equivalent to the amount that he would have received had he been 1500m away from an atomic bomb detonation. He was rushed to the hospital immediately, but the damage was irreversible and he died nine days later on May 30, 1946. The core he dropped was the very same core dropped by Daghnian the year before – causing it to be named the Demon Core.

Slotin’s story is integrated in the movie, “Fat Man and Little Boy” starring Paul Newman and John Cusack.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Anybody who hired, then fired Gene Mauch after 1964.

Nobody seems to learn the lesson; safety regulations exist for a reason. Somebody somewhere somewhat smarter than you already knew that you shouldn’t stand on the top rung of the ladder, nor should you grab the overhead wire.  That’s why there is usually a sign or a label; some sort of warning that what you are about to do is a bad idea.

Gene Mauch should have come with just such a label. Clearly, the other signs were not visible enough…the collapse of the 1964 Phillies, the malaise that was the Montreal Expos in the early 70′s, and the Angels’ playoff choke-jobs in the 80′s…Mauch kept a level of respect in baseball that he kept getting hired even after just having been fired for complete ineptitude.

#7)  Eben McBurney Byers

Eben McBurney Byers was a wealthy American socialite, athlete, and industrialist. In 1927 while returning via chartered train from the annual Harvard-Yale football game, Byers fell from his berth and injured his arm. He complained of persistent pain and a doctor suggested that he take Radithor, a patent medicine containing high concentrations of radium. Byers drank nearly 1400 bottles over three years. By 1930, when Byers stopped taking the remedy, he had accumulated significant amounts of radium in his bones resulting in the loss of most of his jaw. Byers’ brain was also abscessed and holes were forming in his skull. He died from radium poisoning on March 31, 1932. He is buried in Allegheny Cemetery in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in a lead-lined coffin.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Kevin McHale Being Fired by the The Minnesota Timberwolves.

Minnesota Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor seems to have been drinking the Radithor for years. While Kevin “McFail” was busy taking that franchise from the conference finals all the way to the bottom of the lottery, Taylor just sat idly by, obviously letting something eat through his brain. It might as well be radium. Not only that, but when you get mistaken for the handicapped kid from “Glee,” you should just give it up.

#6) Hiroshi Couchi

Japan’s worst nuclear radiation accident took place at a uranium reprocessing facility in Tokaimura, northeast of Tokyo, on September 30, 1999. The direct cause of the criticality accident was workers putting uranyl nitrate solution containing about 16.6 kg of uranium, exceeding the critical mass, into a precipitation tank. The tank was not designed to dissolve this type of solution and was not configured to prevent eventual criticality.

Three workers were exposed to lethal radiation doses. One of these workers, Hiroshi Couchi, was transferred to the University of Tokyo Hospital and three days after the accident he could talk and only his right hand was a little swollen with redness. However, his condition gradually weakened as the radioactivity broke down the chromosomes in his cells.

The doctors were at a loss as to what to do. There were few precedents and proven medical treatments for victims of radiation poisoning. A local television crew followed the story for 83 days until Hiroshi died. Their observations are chronicled in the book, “A Slow Death: 83 Days of Radiation Sickness.”

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Jimy Williams Being Fired by the Toronto Blue Jays.

Tony Kornheiser explained this with his coining of one of the great baseball nicknames of all time. In the 80′s, Jimy Williams found himself with a dilemma. It seemed the Toronto outfield wasn’t large enough for all-star George Bell and a rookie nobody had ever heard of. Williams was instrumental in Bell’s departure for Chicago, and his eventual firing should tell you how well that worked. This is how Jimy “I’ve got to make room for Sil Campusano” Williams essentially killed himself.

#5) Marie Curie

Marie Sklodowska Curie was a physicist and chemist and a pioneer in the field of radioactivity. In fact, it was Curie that coined the term radioactivity, though Henri Becquerel discovered the phenomenon years earlier. Curies research into the properties of two different uranium ores, pitchblende and chalcolite. led to the discovery of radium and polonium, other radioactive elements. Curie’s husband, Pierre, was so intrigued by her research that he decided to suspend his own research to join her.

The Curies undertook the arduous task of separating radium out of pitchblende ore. From a ton of pitchblende, one-tenth of a gram of radium chloride was separated. Unfortunately, the Curies were unaware of the deleterious health effects of repeated unprotected radiation exposure. Pierre Curie died in 1906 after being hit and run over by a horse drawn carriage, however Marie lived for another 28 years continuing her research and eventually winning two Nobel prizes. She often carried test tubes containing radioactive isotopes in her pocket and stored them in her desk drawer, remarking on the pretty blue-green light that the substances gave off in the dark.

Marie Curie died on July 4, 1934 due to aplastic anemia contracted from exposure to radiation. She is interred at the cemetery in Sceaux, alongside her husband Pierre. Her laboratory is preserved at the Musee Curie. Due to their levels of radioactivity, her papers from the 1890’s are considered too dangerous to handle. Even her cookbook is highly radioactive. They are kept in lead-lined boxes, and those who wish to consult them must wear protective clothing.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Houston Nutt Being Run Out of the University of Arkansas.

Radiation exposure would explain Nutt's obvious insanity.

There’s a link between being a genius innovator and succumbing to your own success. There’s also something to be said for getting caught banging the local news anchorette. But much like the Curies and their relentless search for radium, Nutt never seems to be satisfied with whatever job he currently holds. The aforementioned wandering eye at Arkansas contributed to an early departure. The same was true at Murray State and Boise State where Nutt always seemed to be interviewing for the next job instead of focusing on the current one.

#4) Alexander Litvinenko

Alexander Litvinenko was a former KGB officer who escaped prosecution in Russia and received political asylum in the United Kingdom . In November of 2006 he suddenly fell ill and was hospitalized. He died three weeks later and post-mortem tests showed he had been given a lethal dose of Polonium-210 via a cup of tea. On his deathbed, Litvinenko accused Russian president Vladimir Putin of being behind his death.

Subsequent investigations by British authorities into the circumstances of Litvinenko’s death led to serious diplomatic difficulties between the British and Russian governments. Unofficially, British authorities asserted that “we are 100% sure who administered the poison, where and how”. However they did not disclose their evidence in the interest of a future trial. The main suspect in the case, a former officer of the Russian Federal Protective Service (FSO) Andrei Lugovoy, remains in Russia. As a member of the Duma, he now enjoys immunity from prosecution.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Tubby Smith Being Fired by the University of Kentucky.

Tubby Smith clearly fell out of favor with the politburo in Lexington. But what can you say about the Soviet-style delusion of the University of Kentucky. How do you exile into the gulag a guy who won you a national championship, who wins nearly eighty percent of his games, and is universally respected?

#3)  Soviet Submarine K-19

K-19 was one of the first two Soviet submarines equipped with nuclear ballistic missiles. Several people had died during its construction earning it the nickname “Hiroshima” among naval sailors and officers. On July 4, 1961 under the command of Captain Nikolai Vladimirovich Zateyev, K-19 developed a major leak in her reactor coolant system causing the reactor temperature to rise to a very dangerous 800 deg. Celsius. Due to poor design and failure to have a backup cooling system installed, Captain Zateyev had no choice but to order a team of seven engineering officers in crew to undertake a repair despite the lethal rates of radiation exposure.

The repair crew was successful in stopping the leak however all seven were dead within a week. The incident contaminated the entire boat and within a few years twenty more crew members were dead attributed to the incident at sea.

The Soviet Navy made extensive repairs to boat and it later returned to service. It did, however, continue to experience horrible accidents including an at-sea collision in 1969 and a fire in 1972 killing 28 sailors. It was finally decommissioned in 1991.

The movie “K-19: The Widowmaker” starring Harrison Ford and Liam Neeson is loosely based on the nuclear accident on the K-19.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Manny Acta Being Fired by the Washington Nationals.

Blaming a manager for the woeful performance of the Washington Nationals is like shooting out all your light bulbs to make the sun go down. How do you expect anybody to manage anything with no pitching and an opening day lineup consisting of Daniel Cabrera, Elijah Dukes, Adam Dunn, Jesus Flores, Cristian Guzman, Anderson Hernandez, Nick Johnson, Lastings Milledge, and Ryan Zimmerman? Sure, Jim Riggleman wriggled more wins out of this roster, but this team still hasn’t cracked the 70-win mark, unless they win three of their last five in 2010.

#2) Chernobyl

On April 26, 1986 a nuclear accident occurred on the Number 4 reactor at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in Ukraine. Workers at the plant were planning a test to determine how long turbines would spin and supply power to the main circulating pumps following a loss of main electrical power. Due to another regional power station going offline, the test was delayed and as a result, the test was conducted over the night shift where the workers had not been trained on the test procedure. Several subsequent errors, including a decision to disable automatic shutdown mechanisms, led to an unstable reactor configuration with nearly all of the control rods removed.

The reactor SCRAMed (rapid insertion of all control rods) but a flaw in the design of the control rods actually caused the reaction rate in the lower half of the core to increase. At this point, a massive power spike occurred and the core overheated. The precise subsequent course of events was not registered by instruments; it is known only as a result of a mathematical simulation. What is known is that there was a large steam buildup in the core that eventually exploded releasing tons of radioactive steam and fission products into the air. Radiation levels in the vicinity of the reactor core after the explosion were 30,000 times the lethal limit.

One person was killed immediately and his body was never found. Another died that same day as a result of injuries received during the explosion. Acute radiation sickness was originally diagnosed in 237 people on-site and involved with the clean-up and it was later confirmed in 134 cases. Of these 28 people died within weeks of the accident, six of whom were firefighters tasked with attending the fires on the roof of the turbine building. Nineteen more subsequently died between 1987 and 2004. Nobody off-site suffered from acute radiation effects, although a large proportion of childhood thyroid cancers diagnosed since the accident is likely to be due to intake of radioactive iodine fallout. Subsequent studies in the Ukraine, Russia, and Belarus estimate over 1 million people were affected by radiation from Chernobyl, however the extent of its effects may never be truly known.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Any coach who was fired by the Detroit Lions during the Matt Millen years.

Can you think of a bigger sports meltdown than the Lions?  Millen was President and CEO of the Detroit Lions from 2000 until 2008, an era that saw the worst eight-year record in the history of the modern NFL (31-97). The coashes under Millen (Gary Moeller, Marty Mornhinweg, Steve Mariucci, Dick Jauron, and Rod Marinelli) might as well have been the firefighters at Chernobyl.

#1) Hiroshima and Nagasaki

The atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan at the end of World War II have been the only time in history such weapons have been used on people. The justification for the bombings has been hotly debated since, but no doubt the memory of their destruction has been a large reason why they have been not used since.

On August 6, 1945 the uranium bomb, “Little Boy”, was dropped on Hiroshima killing 70,000-80,000 people immediately. Three days later, the plutonium bomb, “Fat Man”, was dropped on Nagasaki killing an estimated 40,000-75,000 instantly. Those that survived the initial blasts were then subject to severe radiation and thermal burns, radiation sickness and related diseases all aggravated by the lack of medical resources. It is estimated that another 200,000 people had died by 1950 as a result of health effects of the bombings.

Surviving victims of the bombings are known as hibakusha, a Japanese word that literally translates to “explosion-affected people.” As of March 31, 2009 235,569 hibakusha were recognized by the Japanese government. The government of Japan recognizes about 1% of these as having illnesses caused by radiation.

Equivalent Manager/Coach Firing: Lou Holtz Running Out on the New York Jets.

If there was anybody that needed to be bombed in order to save lives, it was Lou Holtz’ NFL career. Every NFL general manager should be forced to print that picture and place it in a prominent space as a constant reminder of the danger of hiring college coaches. Every once in a while you get lucky with a Jimmy Johnson, but odds are you get another Pete Carroll, Steve Spurrier, Nick Saban, Bobby Petrino, Barry Switzer, Dennis Erickson, Butch Davis, or Lou Holtz; who mere months after signing a five-year contract quit with three games left in the season, leaving the Jets to finishe 3-13.

The Ten Greatest “Power” Running Backs and Their Locomotive Equivalent

Football fans love a big, bruising runner; as a football fan, I’m no different. But I’m also a train geek, and I couldn’t help but notice that people love to use train-related terms when referring to the big bruisers. So, in my twisted mind, it makes perfect sense to compare the great big bruisers to the great locomotives. The beauty is since this is such a pure premise, I really don’t need to waste time writing a big, fluffy, largely bullshit introduction. Having said that…

10) Jim Taylor:  Mikado “2-8-2″

If the Mikado 2-8-2 had been a computer, it would have been an IBM clone. If it had been a car, it would have been a VW Beetle; the original, not those bullshit “MacPherson strut, curved windshield” post-1974 “Super Beetles” or those catalytic-converter equipped chick-mobiles we see now.  The bottom line is that for the longest time, this locomotive was the primary freight mover in North America; a total of 9,500 having been built for service in the United States, plus 97 that served on the Canadian National and another 253 that bore Canadian Pacific service markings. Even Nacionales de Mexico purchased many 2-8-2s; they had 40 models with the 57-inch driver wheels  locomotives in 1921.

Regardless of the ancestry, the 2-8-2 became the principal freight locomotive in North America; much like the buzz-cut offensive “hand-grenade” became the trend in the NFL. Sure, the Packers had Jim Taylor, but in short order every team in the league featured guys like Bill “Boom Boom” Brown or Hugh McIlhenny. Hell, they weren’t even limited to offense, as there were plenty of bristle-headed psychopaths like Dick Butkus who completely fit the model. If it weren’t for the horrors of male pattern baldness, Green Bay’s own Ray Nitschke would be on this list.

9) Christian Okoye: Union Pacific “Big Boy 4-8-8-4″

The “Big Boys” were the only locomotives to have the 4-8-8-4 wheel arrangement, combining two sets of eight driving wheels with both a four-wheel leading truck for stability entering curves and a four-wheel trailing truck to support the large firebox. This also explains Okoye’s configuration; while humans are limited to two “driving wheels,” Okoye rolled like he had multiple sets.  The “Big Boys” were specifically designed to pull a 3,600 ton freight train over the long 1.14% grade of the Wasatch Mountains in Utah. Christian Okoye was drafted to plow through the defenses of the AFC West.

Before the arrival of the “Big Boy,” Union Pacific freighters needed helpers to cross this mountain range. Before the arrival of “The Nigerian Nightmare,” the Chiefs needed help just getting first downs.  For such a plodding power unit to be worthwhile, it had to be faster and more powerful than the lugs that preceded them. Both Okoye and the “Big Boy” were built with a heavy margin of reliability and safety in mind;  they both normally operated well below their optimal speed, rather they operated for optimal optimal tractive effort, which occured at about 10 mph. Despite the lack of speed, they both generated unstoppable momentum.

8 ) Bronko Nagurski: Electro-Motive Division “DDA40-X”

The EMD DDA40-X was a 6,600 horsepower behemoth which still remains as the longest single-unit diesel locomotive ever built.  It also remains the most powerful single-unit diesel locomotive ever built. Engineers actually feared operating this unit, much like defenses feared the legendary strength of Nagurski. Tales of yore of his super-human strength say that Michigan was a contiguous state until Nagurski ripped it in half; that he once used nothing more than his jaw to halve a sapling tree, and that he once watched two Julia Roberts movies back-to-back without killing himself.

7) Larry Csonka: Pennsylvania Railroad “GG-1″

At least Marion Motley made it honest; he wore an offensive lineman’s number. Larry Csonka was a line-smashing fullback who was bigger than many of the lineman in front of him.  Csonka was like a dynamo driving the Miami Dolphins’ dominating ball-control offense, much like the 770,000-pound GG-1 dominated passenger routes on the Northeast Corridor.

6) Jerome Bettis: Electro-Motive Division ” F7-A”

The classic look of a F7-A cab gave it the appearance of having a smile. Jerome Bettis almost always had a smile on his face, unless he was getting ready to run over you. Bettis enjoyed a long career, largely by being low-maintenance and economical fo output. These are two key reasons why the F7-A can be considered the zenith of the “cab unit” freight diesel, as it was commonplace on North American railroads (a total of 2,366 were built) for close to 40 years.

5) John Riggins: Electro-Motive Division “SD40-2″

How fitting is it that a guy nicknamed “The Diesel” is represented by a locomotive that was the workhorse for almost every mainline railroad for decades. Riggins wasn’t the fastest, nor was he the most powerful. He was just consistently the best for a long time, which is also the perfect description of the SD40-2. Riggins played 175 games in 14 seasons(which is forever for a running back), amassed 13,442 total yards and became only the second player at the time to rush for over 100 touchdowns. He had five 1,000-yard seasons and 35 100-yard games.

The SD40-2 was first introduced in 1972 and was a technological improvement over any model before it. Although it was not a high-horsepower locomotive, its 3,000-horsepower 16-645-E3 engine made it very reliable and economical, plus it featured an easily exchangeable, modular electronic control system similar to those of the experimental DDA40X, which made for a control cabinet that improved availability, efficiency, and ease of maintenance. Within a decade, the SD4-2 could be found everywhere in North America, as well as Brazil, Guinea, Yugoslavia, Korea, Iran, Morocco, Peru, Pakistan, and Zimbabwe. You can still see SD40-2s today on Class I railroads, although they are becoming a rare sight in mainline service. These venerable units now mostly see road or yard switcher duty, or have been sold to regional “short-line” railroads.

4) Mike Alstott: Great Northern Railway “S-Class 4-8-4 Northern”

Alstott was one of those rare combinations of speed and brute force; he could run over you then run away from your help. The “Northerns” aristocratic look with its power and speed made it the perfect fit for the Great Northern Railway’s top-shelf passenger trains like the “Empire Builder” and “Oriental Limited.” In later life they powered GN fast freights on eastern districts, and were roller bearing-equipped in 1945. In a similar show of versatility, Alstott was also a devastating blocker and later in his career became an effective pass-catcher as well.

3) Marion Motley: Electro-Motive Division “SD90MAC-H”

In terms of generating horsepower, the SD90MAC-H  are today’s most powerful diesel locomotives; they are rated at 6,000 HP). In terms of tractive effort, the SD90MAC-H is most powerful (200,000 pounds starting, 170,000 pounds continuous). In terms of running backs, Motley was a similarly imposing figure. Being more the size of a lineman meant the constant threat of him hurtling up the middle kept the defenses honest. Marion was the All-American Football Conference’s all-time rushing leader, and after the AAFC merged with the NFL, Motley led his new league in rushing his first NFL season in 1950.  In a game against the Pittsburgh Steelers that year, the powerful Motley rushed for 188 yards on just 11 carries for a 17.1 yards-per-carry average.

2) Earl Campbell – Electro-Motive Division “E8-A”

The E8-A and Earl Campbell were both the perfect combination of power and speed. Campbell really was just a flesh-and-bone locomotive; he ran like hidden somewhere in his massive thighs the actually was an E8-A with its 2,250-horsepower engine geared for running at 117 miles per hour.

1) Jim Brown:  Electro-Motive Division “FT”

Jim Brown broke the mold. Brown was the first of the big, powerful, athletic running backs that have become the norm in the NFL. When Brown hit the league in the 1950′s, he spelled the end of the days of three-back sets and the death of the ham-footed fullback.

The FT also broke the mold. When the FT hit the rails in 1939, its The FT’s flexibility, modularity and ease of maintenance spelled the end of the steam era. Many rail historians consider the FT one of the most important locomotive models of all time. They were generally marketed as semi-permanently coupled A-B sets (a lead unit and a cabless booster connected by a solid drawbar) making a single locomotive capable of producing 2,700 horsepower. Many railroads used pairs of these sets back to back to make up a four-unit A-B-B-A locomotive rated at 5,400 HP, while others purchased semi-permanently coupled A-B-A three-unit sets of 4,050 HP.

“Old School” Rhythm Sections and Their Sports Figure Comparisons

The picture that spawned this bit of lunacy.

When you are a kid, two things that get your juices going are music and sports. Face it, being good at either was the ticket to Chick-town, and since I was 14 with enough testosterone surging through my veins to kill a man in his 50’s, I got involved in both because I was taking any ticket I could.

Fast forward to that age where you start realizing that to remain visible to the 23-year-old residents of Chick-town will require investment in a sports car, and you start flashing back to the salad days. If you are as deranged as I am, you start noticing that the two have more parallels which have only become visible through the prism of age.

Sadly, the groupies got older too...

Dunk that prism in a Sea World sized-tank of bourbon and impending mid-life doom, and I came to realize in between the bouts of pre-suicidal sobbing that the bass players and drummers that influenced me shared characteristics with the sports figures I idolized.

1) Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker: Cream

Don’t be fooled by Jack Bruce’s skull pelt and the skeletal remains of Ginger Baker, together they formed the backbone of the greatest jam band of all time. Forget that its 1966, forget the heroin stupor, and remember that every garage band MUST pay homage to these guys.

Sports Figure Comparison: The Bambino

Sure, lots of guys had a breakfast of a quart of bourbon, five ball-park hot dogs, and two hookers, then slugged three homers, but Babe Ruth was the first. Just like all the bands that bands snorted God-knows-what up through a cymbal stand, then just flat-out rocked it for two hours, Cream not only did it before you, but did it better.

2) Roger Glover and Ian Paice: Deep Purple

Keeping the rhythm behind The Purp’s keyboard-and-axe assault was no easy task, but Glover’s ability to seamless bridge that assault and Paice’s monstrously-underrated drum chops more than got it done, it laid the groundwork for the rock riff so classic it made some serious cultural leaps.

Note: Guitar Hero doesn’t make you Ritchie Blackmore.

Sports Figure Comparison: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Despite the fact that Glover and Paice define what a rock rhythm section should be, they played behind such a wall of “showtime” that their classic status often went unnoticed. Jabbar was also overshadowed by the “Showtime Lakers,” even though he was the classic old-school NBA center and is still that league’s all-time leading scorer. Besides, the soccer scene in this video is a reminiscent morsel of the cheesy hilarity of Jabbar’s fighting Bruce Lee.

3) Geddy Lee and Neil Peart: Rush

Let’s face it – Canada is simply an odd combination of Europe and North America. The recipe for a Mountie is equal parts British Redcoat, horse, and Smokey the Bear hat. But when it comes to music, they got the combination right. Rush found a way to take the musicianship of the Europeans and mix it with a dose of good ol’ North American power-trio. But, it still isn’t cool to like them because being Canadian automatically costs them 20 style points. Well, here’s my 20 points and you can freakin’ eat me…RUSH RULES!

Sports Figure Comparison: Youppi

The 1994 Montreal Expos were massively talented, on a roll toward the playoffs, and God screwed them by placing a baseball strike squarely in the path of Canada’s third straight World Series title. Why? Because they are Canadians. See, even though the Expos fielded some very good teams, they consistently drew about nine fans. This explains Youppi, the best mascot that never got his props.

4) John Entwhistle and Keith Moon: The Who

No two musicians in rock history had such diverse styles, yet blended so seamlessly. Entwhistle was a student of music, and his bass work was melodic and richly architected. Moon was a rock stars’s rock star, and his drum lines were savage. But the differences came together in a surprisingly rhythmic fashion.

Sports Figure Comparison: Bert Blyleven

The pure smooth that only Bert’s knee-buckling curveball brought, yet with zing brought by a guy whose off-day past-times are rumored to have included setting Tom Kelly’s shoelaces on fire. It’s the same odd combo that can sell you a house while dropping the F-bomb.  If Keith Moon were a pitcher, you just know he’d do stuff like this on the road, and if Bert were a drummer, he’d be rocking the goldfish.

5) Geezer Butler and Bill Ward: Black Sabbath

When they first hit ears across the world in 1969, Black Sabbath had a sound like no other heard before; they were musical, yet raw. There was something beautiful, but at the same time frightening about them. Sabbath was the music for the “bad kids,” and even though you might not have been a badass, you couldn’t get enough.

Sports Figure Comparison: The 1976 Oakland Raiders

America’s bicentennial year may have been the high-water mark for the Oakland Raiders and its bad boy mystique. John Madden played the hulking maniacal leader of this bunch of escapees from a southern chain gang. Ken Stabler fulfilled the role of gun-slinger quarterback, but it was the overlooked defense that set the tempo and supplied the power for this team, with such scary figures as Jack Tatum, Otis Sistrunk, and Ted Hendricks raining destruction on offenses across the NFL.

6) Tom Petersson and Bun E. Carlos: Cheap Trick

If you are my age, there was a solid five-year span where Cheap Trick may have been the perfect band to play the soundtrack of your life. If you aren’t my age, catch a re-run of “That 70′s Show” and you’ll get the idea. Cheap Trick is the quintessential American Rock N’ Roll band; good times just seem to break out wherever their music is played.

Sports Figure Comparison: Kyle Orton

It is well-established that we here at Dubsism believe Kyle Orton is the greatest athlete is in the history of ever, because he is living the life you would kill to live. If you couldn’t be Kyle Orton, you’d be Cheap Trick. They both kick ass where it matters; Orton wins football games and Cheap Trick flat-out rocks. They are both famous enough to live the “rock star” lifestyle, but not so famous their fame becomes an all-consuming black hole of douchebaggery (see Tom Brady).

Your Colin Cowherd Moment of the Day – Rex Ryan vs. Tony Dungy: A Study In Leadership Styles

The other day, a flap came about between former NFL head coach Tony Dungy and current New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan because Ryan “swears too much.” Today, ESPN’s Colin Cowherd asserted what he thinks the core of the issue is. Cowherd’s belief is that swearing when used “sparingly” has an impact; that volume works, and aggression wins. In other words, we are tapping on the old adage that “nice guys finish last.”

Lets’ compare and contrast. Dungy is a soft-spoken guy who has relied on his “nice guy” image for the majority of his career. Ryan is brash, vocal, and undeniably charismatic. Being a “nice guy” has provided cover for Dungy’s having become a self-appointed crusader who out of one side of his mouth is willing to be a bible-thumping self-moralizer while out of the other he is espousing the virtues of cretins like Michael Vick. In contrast, Ryan is a guy with no pretenses who has players e-mailing ESPN saying they wish they could play for him.

In fact, Jets linebacker Bart Scott offered an impassioned defense of Ryan, claiming Dungy should mind his own business and turn the channel if he takes exception to Ryan’s style.

“If you don’t want your kids to see Andrew Dice Clay or Bernie Mac, tell them to go see Bill Cosby,” Scott told ESPNNewYork.com. “You can’t suggest for somebody to tone it down or say, ‘He wouldn’t coach for me’ and ‘I wouldn’t hire him.’ Why are you farming someone else’s land? Farm your own land.”

This is the part where it is important to notice that Dungy doesn’t draw such visceral defense. Instead, supporters of Dungy talk of what admiration they have for his “Quiet Strength,” what respect they have for him.  Ryan get people who are willing to “throw down” for him.

What Cowherd misses is this really comes down to a difference in leadership styles. There are as many different styles as there are leaders, but they largely boil down to two types; those who lead from the rear, and those who lead from the front. “Lead from the rear” types spout a lot of platitudes about respect and loyalty; “lead from the front types” breed and instill those qualities rather than talk about them.

In my non-blogger life, I’ve been a manager or a consultant for nearly 15 years. True leaders aren’t born, they are made; but neither being soft-spoken or being a guy who drops F-bombs are indicators of who makes a good leader. Dungy is on record as saying he wouldn’t hire “a guy like that,” whereas Ryan says “just because somebody cusses doesn’t make him a bad person. Just because a guy doesn’t cuss doesn’t make him a good person. I’ll stand by my merits.”

It all begs the question “What are the characteristics of a good leader?” I’m a firm believer that personality matters little; “brash and vocal” can lead just as well as “quiet strength.” I’ve also never believed in success as a measure of a leader; teams have succeeded with weak leadership, and history is full of great leaders that had dysfunctional teams. Rather, I’ve always been a fan of a system for determining leadership qualities developed by FedEx. It is their belief that the best leaders share nine personal attributes – which they specifically define.

Just for fun, let’s settle the Ryan vs. Dungy debate with a hypothetical exercise supposing I am going to hire one of them, and that I am going to score them according to FedEx’s 9 Faces of Leadership.

1) Charisma – Instills faith, respect, and trust. Has a special gift of seeing what others need to consider. Conveys a strong sense of mission.

This one goes to Ryan hands down. Ryan, while expressing it in a manner some find coarse and brutish, has his team showing an undeniable singularity of purpose. Meanwhile, Dungy exudes an air of “knowing what’s right;” sanctimony breeds contempt, not leadership.

Advantage: Rex Ryan

2) Individual Consideration – Coaches, advises, and teaches people who need it. Actively listens and gives indications of listening. Gives newcomers a lot of help.

While I give credit to Tony Dungy for trying to help Michael Vick, it is only partial credit because he was nowhere to be found during Vick’s latest brush with the “dark side” stemming from the shooting incident at his 30th birthday party. True mentors switch to active mode when they see their mentee in trouble. The fact that the New York Jets are a fashionable pick to go deep in the playoffs with a roster predominantly populated with younger players speaks to Ryan’s ability to understand and teach.

Advantage: Rex Ryan

3) Intellectual stimulation – Gets others to use reasoning and evidence, rather than unsupported opinion. Enables others to think about old problems in new ways. Communicates in a way that forces others to rethink ideas that they had never questioned before.

Dungy wins this category, not because I think he has a more intellectual approach than Ryan, but because I believe getting football players even to consider things from a Christian-centric point of view embodies “communicates in a way that forces others to rethink ideas that they had never questioned before.”

Advantage: Tony Dungy

4) Courage – Willing to stand up for ideas even if they are unpopular. Does not give in to pressure or to others’ opinions in order to avoid confrontation. Will do what’s right for the company and for employees even if it causes personal hardship.

This is a tough category. One on hand, Dungy going to bat for Michael Vick in puppy-hugging liberal America took major-league guts, but I always got the whiff Dungy did it for his own gain, in much the same way that a defense lawyer would gain fame for defending Osama Bin Laden. On the other hand, Ryan is willing to show exactly who he really is in a country where strong leaders are out of fashion, even in the NFL.

Advantage: Tie

5) Dependability – Follows through and keeps commitments. Takes responsibility for actions and accepts responsibility for mistakes. Works well independently of the boss.

This could have been another “tie” category, except for one thing. I’ve never known a devoutly religious person who is willing to make a move without consulting God, the “boss,” or whomever else scares them.

Advantage: Rex Ryan

6) Flexibility – Functions effectively in changing environments. When a lot of issues hit at once, handles more than one problem at a time. Changes course when the situation warrants it.

This is another category in which a devoutly religious guy isn’t going to score well. Flexibility doesn’t factor for a guy who lives by ten inviolable commandments, which lead to a whole host of similarly inviolable “God told me I couldn’t” rules. As much as nobody wants to admit this, there are times in the heat of battle, one must be willing to kick a ball back on to the fairway.

Advantage: Rex Ryan

7) Integrity – Does what is morally and ethically right. Does not abuse management privileges. Is a consistent role model.

While it is hard to beat a devoutly religious person in this category, Ryan proves that a “guy who cusses” can make it viable. But Dungy is nothing if he is not consistent.

Advantage: Tony Dungy

8 ) Judgment – Reaches sound and objective evaluations of alternative courses of action through logic, analysis, and comparison. Puts facts together rationally and realistically. Uses past experience and information to bring perspective to present decisions.

All I had to hear to know which way I would value this category came from Dungy when he said “I wouldn’t hire someone like that” based on a television appearance by Ryan that Dungy admits he didn’t even see. Going with second-hand information rates an instant “fail” here.

Advantage: Rex Ryan

9) Respect for others – Honors and does not belittle the opinions or work of other people, regardless of their status or position.

In all honesty, it is hard for me not to rule against Dungy in this category considering he wanted to the commissioner of the NFL to impose some sort of sanction against Rex Ryan simply because he used language Dungy doesn’t like.

Advantage: Rex Ryan

Winner: Rex Ryan 6-2-1

What does this all mean? To me, it means that Dungy is a man who can get respect, but Ryan is a man who gets loyalty. Respect gets people to give their all; loyalty gets people to give their all even when they think they can’t.