Ten Baseball Managers Who Could Be Fired in 2013

Let’s be honest, every major league baseball manager could get fired…that’s what they do.  They aren’t like popes who usually get to die in office; being a major league manager means having your ass welded to a revolving door. But there are some who simply have a much better chance of getting revolved out of town because they lead teams that have expectations which if not lived up to…well, somebody’s got to take the fall.

Having said that, there are a few managers who have almost no chance of being fired, because nobody expects anything from their teams. This includes guys like:

• Bo Porter, Houston Astros
• Mike Redmond, Miami Marlins
• Ron Gardenhire, Minnesota Twins
• Dale Sveum, Chicago Cubs

There’s also a group who are simply untouchable, because they’ve delivered lately.

• Bruce Bochy, San Francisco giants
• Joe Maddon, Tampa Bay Rays
• Mike Matheny, St. Louis Cardinals
• Fredi Gonzalez, Atlanta Braves

That leaves us with a group of ten managers I see as most likely to be looking for work by Opening Day 2014.  Somebody’s door is going to revolve, and here are the ten I see being the most likely to turn. 

What We’ve Learned From This Football Season – The Aftermath Of “Black Monday” Edition of the 2012 Coaches Death Watch

Let’s start with the college guys who still had jobs as of our last update:

Mike Price, UTEP

What We Said:

After going 8-4 in each of his first two years, Mike Price has clinched his seventh consecutive losing season at UTEP and has no contract for next year. Color him toast.

What Happened:

Price avoided the ax by retiring.

Paul Johnson, Georgia Tech

What We Said:

Johnson came into this job with some high hopes, and since winning the 2009 ACC title, he’s gone just 18-17 at Georgia Tech, including a 4-5 mark so far this season. Johnson biggest supporter, athletic director Dan Radakovich,  just left for Clemson.  The ground Johnson is standing on is shakier than Oprah Winfrey’s back fat.

What Happened:

Johnson seems to have survived for another season, but if what happened at this year’s Georgia-Georgia Tech game is any indication, things better turn around soon.

What We’ve Learned From This Football Season So Far – The Inaugural Edition of the 2012 Coaches Death Watch

Now that the regular season has ended for the majority of college football, many coaches heads have already rolled, and most of those are really no surprise.

• Joker Phillips, Kentucky
• Gene Chizik, Auburn
• John L. Smith, Arkansas
• Frank Spaziani, Boston College
• Tom O’Brien, North Carolina State
• Jeff Tedford, California
• Derek Dooley, Tennessee
• Danny Hope, Purdue
• Jon Embree, Colorado

John L. Smith was only in his first year, but his reign was such a train wreck that he managed to take a pre-season Top 10 team to a 4-8 finish. Chizik went 3-9 at Auburn only two years removed from winning a national championship. Guess the SEC is the ultimate “what have you done for me lately?” league.

But there’s a lot more guys in both the college and professional ranks who have the Sword of Damocles hanging over them. Here’s a list of the guys we will be watching.

Let’s start with the college guys:

Mike Price, UTEP

After going 8-4 in each of his first two years, Mike Price has clinched his seventh consecutive losing season at UTEP and has no contract for next year. Color him toast.

Paul Johnson, Georgia Tech

Johnson came into this job with some high hopes, and since winning the 2009 ACC title, he’s gone just 18-17 at Georgia Tech, including a 4-5 mark so far this season. Johnson biggest supporter, athletic director Dan Radakovich,  just left for Clemson.  The ground Johnson is standing on is shakier than Oprah Winfrey’s back fat.

Paul Pasqualoni, UConn

It’s really must suck to be the football coach at UConn. First of all, you are completely overshadowed by even women’s basketball. Second, you just got cock-blocked out of joining the ACC. And if you are Paul Pasqualoni, you’ve gone 8-13 in the two years since Randy Edsall got the program into a BCS bowl.  Pasqualoni’s team is so fetid offensively that they couldn’t score in a women’s prison if you gave them a fistful of keys. Pasqualoni survives if nobody else wants the job, which is an even bet considering they have no momentum, recruiting is a fantasy, and they are mired in a dying conference.

Skip Holtz, South Florida

Let’s talk about a guy living off his dad’s reputation – no, not Lane Kiffin…we’ll get to him soon enough.  Holtz has somehow managed to keep getting his name mentioned for some other jobs despite the fact he has only racked up a mediocre mark of 13-12 in his first two seasons at USF. Now this year, the Bullks have only managed a 3-6 mark.  Indications are that Holtz is likely to remain on the USF sideline for at least one more season, but he does have a chance to fail upward.

Lane Kiffin, USC

Let’s be honest. Lane Kiffin is dogshit as a coach. Here’s a guy who took a pre-season Top 3 ranked team and finished out the the rankings entirely.  Kiffin got a free pass when the team was dealing with NCAA sanction, but it is no likely he can take a potential national championship team, finish with five losses, be a complete douche-nozzle, and survive. -It really wasn’t supposed to be like this. USC was supposed to come out of the gate and just dominate, but have instead faltered, flubbed and failed.

Mack Brown, Texas

I get that things really aren’t that bad in Austin.  I get they’ve only lost three games, but those were to new in-state rival TCU, new kid on the Big 12 block West Virginia, and hated old-school rival Oklahoma. I just don’t know how much longer the Texas powers-that-be are going to tolerate mediocrity.  I also think a loss to Kansas State this weekend puts Brown in a shakier position than he’s ever been in before.

Jim Grobe, Wake Forest

Welcome to “meh.”  Grobe isn’t great as a coach, and he isn’t terrible either. His big problem is that he once got the Nowhere-land that is Wake Forest football into a BCS bowl game, and now every once in a while he has to face people who still have expectations for the Demon Deacons. He likely survives this season, but he need to make one of those low-end, 6-win bowl games next year.

Kirk Ferentz, Iowa

Iowa athletic director Gary Barta still loves Ferentz, and the Hawkeye faithful are still filling Kinnick Stadium, but there’s really no denying that Iowa football has taken a downturn.  The Hawkeyes suffered double-digit losses to teams they normally have owned under Ferentz (Penn State and Northwestern), they blew a lead in an ugly loss to lowly Indiana, and they finished this season 4-8…dead last in the B1G Legends Division and will miss out on a bowl game for only the second time in the last dozen years.  In fact, since they won the 2010 Orange Bowl, Iowa has been just barely better than a .500 team, going 19-16. The fans were turning on Ferentz even before the Indiana loss, and losing to Purdue at home for the first time at home since the first Bush administration didn’t help. If the fans quit showing up, look for a package deal where Barta and Ferentz both get the gate.

Now, for the NFL guys who should be updating their LinkedIn pages right about now…

Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers

How many years am I going to have Norv Turner at the top of the “has GOT to get fired” hit parade, only to watch him not get fired?  Let’s face it, this butt-loaf should have been shown the door three years ago, but he always seems to wiggle his way off the hook.  My guess is Norv has picture’s of Chargers’ owner Alex Spanos fucking a water buffalo.  Even that sort of job security has to run out eventually.

Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles

Reid is the hard-luck king of the NFL over the past few years, and while I am life-long Eagles’ fan, it is time to part ways.  Frankly, the Eagles have done nothing to help Reid. He was the one smart enough to know the McNabb era was over.  The trouble was he never was given a quarterback to replace him with.  Reid knew Michael Vick was a veritable “bag of magic beans,” but what was his alternative after Kevin Kolb got hurt? Vince Fucking Young….let that sink in for a moment.

Vaya con dios, Andy. I wish you nothing but the best on the job you get 45 minutes after Philadelphia fires you.

Romeo Crennel, Kansas City Chiefs

There’s two reasons why Romeo Crennel keeps getting head coaching jobs.  One, because he had success as a coordinator under Bill Belichick in New England.  Two, because the “Rooney Rule” is just the NFL’s version of affirmative action.  Crennel is a well-liked guy, but he’s a shitty head coach. His stint in Cleveland is forgivable, because Vince Lombardi himself couldn’t win with that pile of dog barf the Browns were trotting on to the field.  But Kansas City is a different deal entirely.  The Chiefs have talent, they play in the weakest division in the NFL, and despite that, they define dismal.

Cue homage to Johnny Carson in 3..2..1…

The Kansas City Chiefs are sooooooo bad…

How bad are they????

The Kansas City Chiefs are so bad that when Dexter McCluster delivered a Meal-on-Wheels to an elderly shut-in, she told him ”Ya’ll better start winning some games.” In other words, here’s a woman who would be eating her own foot had McCluster not shown up, and yet she still verbally ball-tags him.

Rex Ryan, New York Jets

Here’s another guy who got no help from his general manager. Mike Tannebaum should be the one getting his walking papers in New York, but Sexy Rexy gets to be the fall guy for a GM who did nothing while a team that made two straight AFC Championship games got old and disintegrated right before our very eyes.

Thanksgiving night’s debacle against the Patriots officially marked the point when the New York Jets became the laughing stock of the NFL.

Rex Ryan will take the fall, but the sad state of the Jets rests squarely on the shoulders of Tannebaum and owner Woody Johnson. They are the ones who brought in Tim Tebow when Ryan made it clear he needed a quarterback. The fact that Ryan got this team into two AFC Championship games with Mark Sanchez was a minor miracle, even with the dominant defense the Jets had.

Tannebaum and Johnson also did nothing when that defense turned into a collection of graybeards. They did nothing when they realized the offensive line had two Pro Bowlers and three lunch wagons. They did nothing when it became clear the receivers couldn’t catch herpes if you stapled them to a Kardashian.

What was their solution for those problems? Tim Tebow.

This is why Sexy Rexy will have another job before his footprints out of town have a chance to get cold.

Pat Shurmur, Cleveland Browns

New owner Jimmy Haslem isn’t letting any grass grow under his well-shod feet. In no time at all since assuming control of the Browns, Haslem got rid of Team President Mike Holmgren and replaced him with former Philadelphia Eagles President Joel Banner.  Pat Shurmur can’t help but to keep shooting his own foot.  He’s got to be gone at season’s end.

Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys

Garrett is the wild card.  Jerry Jones has been know to hang on to failed coaches far too long, and it is clear Garrett has failed.  But Jerry Jones has also been known to hit the “international Enough Line” with little warning, at which point he starts whacking everybody like Robert DeNiro in GoodFellas.  This time next year, is Jason Garrett on the Cowboys’ sideline, or is he on a hook in the back of a freezer truck? Your guess is as good as ours.

What We Learned From This Weekend In Football 12/10/2011

1) This Tebow Thing Is Now Officially Out of Control

I watched the last three minutes of that Bears-Broncos game last night, and I still don’t believe what I saw. Sure, there’s all the stuff that surrounds Timmy Rah-Rah. You can see that on every other outlet out there. But the hype hides the unbelievable chain of events that led to the Broncos sixth straight victory.

To me, this all starts on the Broncos failed filed goal attempt in the 4th quarter when they are already down 10-0. That looked like the moment this run was going to end; after all, Denver was trailing 10-0 with 4:34 left. They had eeked out a mere 96 yards against one of the best defenses in the NFL and had no timeouts left. Worse yet, after the bears made it a two-possession game on Robbie Gould’s field goal, the next three Broncos’ offensive series yielded a mere two first downs and what seemed to be the dealing-sealing fumble.

Granted, Denver did score a touchdown after that, but the Bears have the ball with two minutes to go, and Denver has no timeouts. If Chicago can rack up a a first down, this ball game would have been over.

Then Marion Barber inexplicably runs out of bounds, stopping the clock and forcing the Bears to punt.

“Here it comes,” I thought to myself. “Here’s where it happens again…unbelievable.”

Sure enough, the Broncos got the ball back on their own 20-yard line with 53 seconds left, and after three of those wet Nerf-ball Tebow completions, Denver found itself on the Bears 41-yard line where Matt Prater nailed his first of two pressure-packed 50-plus-yard field goal attempts, the second being the game winner in overtime.

But even if you didn’t believe you were watching the Bronco magic happening again, you still had the failed on-side kick and the fact the Bears won the toss in overtime.

Then Marion Barber fumbled.

Everybody in the stadium knew what was going to happen next. Everybody watching on TV knew what was going to happen next. Dedicated Tebow haters like Stephen A. Smith and Colin Cowherd starting beating their wives in anticipation of what was going to happen. Even the Bears knew it was simply a matter of time at that point.

I can’t explain it, and I still don’t believe it…but you can’t argue with winning.

2) The Suckitude of Instant Replay Has Torn the Time-Space Continuum

Rod Taylor: Ahead of his time in time-stopping NFL officiating.

There’s how the 49ers got somewhat jobbed against the Cardinals this week. There’s how the Giants got robbed last week. But nothing was worse than how the officials in yesterday’s Packers-Raiders game ground the world to a complete halt.  Seriously, it was as if Rod Taylor from “The Time Machine” popped in to be an NFL referee, because for ten full minutes, the time-space continuum stopped; the cosmos literally being flung into suspended animation while some joker in a striped shirt couldn’t decide a call which anybody watching saw on take number one.

Seriously, these guys pissed around for ten earth-no-longer-orbiting-the-sun minutes all over that “Tuck Rule” which is apparently only invoked when a star quarterback is involved and it dicks the Raiders.

If that weren’t enough, on the very next play, the Raiders successfully challenged a Mike Mitchell interception in the back of the end zone that had incorrectly been ruled incomplete. That challenge lasted four minutes, which means in fifteen full minutes, we saw two snaps.

3) Will Army Ever Beat Navy again?

Easy math here..Navy has won 10 in row and 13 of the last 15. Maybe next year, we should Army have rifles so they have a shot…

4) Tony Romo…The Anti-Tebow

Think about it. As much as Tim Tebow seems to have some sort of Midas-like magic around him which rubs off on his team in crunch time, look at how Tony Romo always seems to be on the team which chokes on its own feces when it matters.

If you saw the look on Jerry Jones face at the end of last night’s game, I get the feeling the end of the Romo era in Dallas may be very near.

5) Attention Recievers: You Can Stop Making Circus Catches Now – It’s Been Done To Perfection

If Montana State wide receiver Elvis Akpla were a musician, he just combined the real Elvis with the Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, and (insert five of your favorite awesome bands here) with this unbelievable catch.

6) Updated Coaches Death Watch

Newly deceased in bold…

• Houston Nutt, Mississippi
• Rick Neuheisel, UCLA
• Paul Wulff, Washington State
• Dennis Erickson, Arizona State
• Turner Gill, Kansas
• Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins (Miami Herald reports he’s gone at the end of the year, but he doesn’t get crossed off as long as he still has a key to his office)
• Neil Callaway, Alabama-Birmingham
• Mike Riley, Oregon State
• Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars
• Steve Fairchild, Colorado State
• Steve Spagnuolo, St. Louis Rams
• Frank Spaziani, Boston College
• Mike Sherman, Texas A&M
• Todd Haley, Kansas City Chiefs
• Luke Fickell, Ohio State (replaced, but retained on new head coach Urban Meyer’s staff)
• Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles
• Lezlie Frazier, Minnesota Vikings
• Jim Caldwell, Indianapolis Colts
• Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers

What We Learned From This Weekend in Football 12/4/2011

1) Stick a Fork in ‘Em… The Philadelphia Eagles  Turkeys are Done

Just by taking the Sgt. Joe Friday approach (“Just the facts”), one can see it is time to blow up this thing in Philadelphia. The Michael Vick thing was a mistake, DeSean Jackson is a cancer, and the whole “Dream Team” thing was an unmitigated disaster. It’s time to clean house from the general manager on down and start over.

2) Conference Championship Games are Meaningless

Name one thing that would have changed had Georgia beaten LSU? The BCS championship game was decided two weeks ago. The outcome of the Michigan State/Wisconsin game would have only re-arranged a few deck chairs on the BCS cruise ship…Wiscy was in the BCS no matter what, and Sparty would simply have taken Michigan’s place in the field; with Wisconsin going to the Sugar Bowl.  Remember, the BCS is more an exercise about conference affiliation and who will travel well. Keeping that in consideration, the fun question becomes what would the BCS have done had Penn State been the 2-loss Big Ten team rather Michigan?

Not to mention, the most exciting thing that happens in most of them is that silly halftime challenge where some guy from the stands tosses a football into a giant can for some sort of prize.  Yawn.

3) Instant Replay Still Solves Nothing

Today’s example of the uselessness of instant replay came from the SEC Championship game when Tyrann “Honey Badger” Mathieu apparently flipped the ball to the official before he has actually scored.

Now, instant replay caught this, but the officials charged with reviewing the replay completely missed it. In fact, nobody caught it except the announcers doing the game, and Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson didn’t catch this until at least five plays later when it was a completely moot point.  This is the perfect example of one of my biggest beefs with instant replay as an officiating tool. The supposition is that replay erases mistakes; it very obviously does not.

4) Updated Coaches Death Watch

• Houston Nutt, Mississippi
• Rick Neuheisel, UCLA
• Paul Wulff, Washington State
• Dennis Erickson, Arizona State
• Turner Gill, Kansas
• Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins
• Neil Callaway, Alabama-Birmingham
• Mike Riley, Oregon State
• Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars
• Steve Fairchild, Colorado State
• Steve Spagnuolo, St. Louis Rams
• Frank Spaziani, Boston College
• Mike Sherman, Texas A&M
• Todd Haley, Kansas City Chiefs
• Luke Fickell, Ohio State (replaced, but retained on new head coach Urban Meyer’s staff)
• Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles
• Lezlie Frazier, Minnesota Vikings
• Jim Caldwell, Indianapolis Colts
• Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers

5) Finally, A Minnesota Viking Fan I Can Relate To…

Honestly, I need to double-fist it to get through a Viking game as well…

What We Learned From This Weekend in Football 11/26/2011 – The Up-To-The-Minute Coaches’ Death Watch Edition

Lots of stuff has happened since we originally started this Coaches’ Death Watch a month ago. Some of it we saw coming, some of it we didn’t, and some of it is simply inexplicable.

There’s the guys who bought it before we ever published the inaugural death watch issue. Granted, we messed up when we listed New Mexico”s Mike Locksley as a certainty to be fired when in fact he had already been fired two weeks before hand.  But what difference does it really make? New Mexico is firmly rooted in the “Who Cares? conference.

Firings We Didn’t See Coming:

1) Joe Paterno, Penn State

Let’s be honest…nobody saw this coming a month ago. We need not get into the details here, we all know them.

2) Ron Zook, Illinois

Captain Coke-Machine Head Butt was 6-0 to start this season, and the Illini are going to a bowl game. Zook was the first coach to take the University of Chief Illiniwek to the Rose Bowl in about a bazillion years.

Trouble is they finished 0-6, going 2-6 in B1G conference play and that’s includes a season-ending 27-7 debacle at Minnesota.

3) Bob Toledo, Tulane

We’ll be honest…we really weren’t paying attention to Tulane football. They are in the same conference as New Mexico.

Firings We Totally Saw Coming (with Breaking News):

1) Houston Nutt, Mississippi

Houston, you have a problem. The million-dollar question: Is their really a difference between getting fired and being asked to resign? Not really, because for a coach, there’s still a contract buy-out involved.

2) BREAKING NEWS #1 – Rick Neuheisel, UCLA

As of right now, CBSSports.com is reporting Slick Rick is as gone as a cool breeze after the Pac-12 Championship.

UCLA was blown out 50-0 by USC on Saturday night to finish the season at 6-6 and 5-4 in the Pac-12, but thanks to some NCAA sanctions currently in place at USC, the Bruins will be playing in the inaugural Pac-12 Championship against Oregon on Friday. Which means that there’s a chance the 6-6 Bruins could end up playing in the Rose Bowl.

Though it doesn’t seem that is going to be enough to save Rick Neuheisel’s job at the school. According to a report in the Los Angeles Times, Neuheisel will meet with UCLA athletic director Dan Guerrero after the game to discuss his future at the school, and the report says the chances Neuheisel will retain his job are “bleak.”

Neuheisel is a dead man.

2) BREAKING NEWS #2 – Paul Wulff, Washington State

Again, it’s CBSSports.com as the bearer of bad news for at least one guy on the Pelouse…

Washington State head coach Paul Wulff is expected to be dismissed according to a local report, possibly as early Sunday or Monday.

The Seattle Times, citing sources close to the situation, report Wulff will be dismissed in a meeting with athletic director Bill Moos “barring a last-minute change of direction.” The Cougars finished their season with a 38-21 loss to Washington in the Apple Cup on Saturday.

If the reports are true, Wulff will finish with a 9-40 record in four years as the head coach in Pullman. His .184 winning percentage is the worst in college football, and the worst in Washington State school history. Moos has been WSU’s athletic director for 18 months, and reportedly has big plans to refresh and revive the football program. With an $80 million stadium remodeling project and new football offices in the plans, it’s not surprising they want to make a change to help encourage donations.

Wulff is a dead man. That end-of-season meeting with the AD is never a good deal.

2) BREAKING NEWS #3 – Dennis Erickson, Arizona State

Dennis Erickson reported to be fired. Not exactly a "Shocker."

CBSSports.com hits the Pac-12 trifecta, this time in Tempe.

Black Sunday in the college coaching ranks continues, with the latest coach on the verge of losing his job reportedly being Arizona State head coach Dennis Erickson. Multiple sources have confirmed to CBSSports.com Arizona State Rapid Reporter Craig Morgan that Erickson will be fired this week with a news conference coming as soon as Monday.

Erickson still has one more year left on his contract, and if he’s fired he’ll receiver half of the $1.5 million he was due in his contract. Though it’s also possible that both sides will work out another agreement.

Arizona State had a disappointing end to its season in 2011, as the Sun Devils began the season with a 5-1 record but limped to the finish line losing 5 of their last 6 games. Losing out on a golden opportunity to play for a Rose Bowl berth in a very winnable Pac-12 South Division.

While we don’t see a meeting with the AD yet, this can’t be a good development.

Guys Who Saved Their Asses

1) Mark Richt, Georgia

Richt’s survival in Athens is a combination of getting the Bulldogs into the SEC Championship combined with having a $7 million buy out. It will be forgiven if when Georgia gets crushed by LSU, but the Bulldogs really could stand to make a good showing in their bowl game.

2) Jeff Tedford, California (probably)

Like I said before, Tedford is like a Bay-Area version of Mark Richt. He’s a nice, well-tanned guy who started out strong, but has a bit of a “what have you done for me lately?” problem.  Since 2006 when Tedford led the Golden Bears to 10 wins and a share of a Pac-10 title, Cal hasn’t repeated that success, even in the light of USC’s troubles. Tedford was the most 50/50 guy on this list, and I think going 4-2 in his last six in Strawberry Canyon gets him off the hook, at least for one more year.

Guys Who Are Still Under The Sword of Damocles

• Turner Gill, Kansas
• Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins
• Neil Callaway, Alabama-Birmingham
• Mike Riley, Oregon State
• Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars
• Steve Fairchild, Colorado State
• Steve Spagnuolo, St. Louis Rams
• Frank Spaziani, Boston College
• Mike Sherman, Texas A&M
• Todd Haley, Kansas City Chiefs
• Luke Fickell, Ohio State (those Urban Meyer rumors just won’t go away)
• Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles
• Lezlie Frazier, Minnesota Vikings
• Jim Caldwell, Indianapolis Colts
• Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers

The Unkindest Cut of All

A tweet from Pete Thamel of the New York Times sums it up.

Man, there are some stone cold mofos in this world.

What We Learned From This Weekend in Football 10/22/2011 – The Inaugural Coaches’ Death Watch Edition

Former 49ers head coach and NFL legend Bill Walsh always said the four most powerful words in leadership were “I believe in you.” The irony is when a coach here’s those words coming from his owner or general manager, he might as well just packing up his office then.  Let’s be honest. We are deep enough into this years college and NFL seasons to see which coaches are getting those dreaded “votes of confidence.” In other words, the front-runners in the race to the unemployment office are emerging.

1) Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins

Odds of Getting Fired: May Actually Be Fired By The Time This Article Is Posted

If you are reading this, and it is later than 5 p.m. eastern time Monday, and Tony Sparano is still the head coach of the Dolphins, then he might survive for at least another week.  This guy defines the term “living on borrowed time;” Sparano has had the sword of Damocles hanging over his head ever since last year when Dolphins ownership tried to secretly hire Jim Harbaugh. There’s lots of reasons for that.

His judgement is questionable at best.  Sparano continually stood by quarterback Chad Henne, even after he proved beyond a doubt he lacked any semblance of leadership skills and a tendency toward inconsistent play and making impulsive (meaning horrible) decisions.

Then, he he brought in Reggie Bush to be a “feature running back.” Anybody with eyes  (I blame Sparano’s ever-present sunglasses) saw in New Orlaeas that Bush had no ability to a) carry the ball at a “feature” level b) run between the tackles and c) is little more than a “third down” back useful only in a screen-passing or perimeter role. Besides, he’s damaged goods.

There was a lot of talk that this week’s game against the Broncos would be a referendum on Sparano’s reign in Miami. After all, how many times have you seen a situation in which the visiting team’s starting quarterback is the attraction that sells out your stadium? You can’t honor the University of Florida’s 2008 national championship team without showering roses on Tim Tebow, and doing it with Sparano standing on the sideline only adds Heisman to injury.

Let’s be honest…yesterday’s overtime loss; letting Timmy Rah-Rah lead a comeback in the 4th quarter to beat the Dolphins in overtime…well, that simply can’t help.

Can Save His Job By:  Getting Tim Tebow to personally plead for his future and winning 75% of his remaining games. Even then, he will need to invent a 3-in-1 cure-all for cancer, erectile dysfunction, and the Dolphin defense.

2) Rick Neuheisel, UCLA

Odds of Getting Fired: The Same as Dr. Phil Waking Up Bald Tomorrow

Frankly, I think the blow-out loss at Arizona was the final nail in the Neuheisel coffin.  For all his swagger, Neuheisel never engrained that same attitude in his teams in Westwood, which is  really why he was brought into Bruin Land on the first place.

Neuheisel is 18-26 in three and a half seasons with the Bruins, he is in the fourth year of a five-year contract, and he just got the afrementioned “vote of confidence.”

Bruins athletic director Dan Guerrero told ESPNLosAngeles.com late Thursday night that replacing Neuheisel after Thursday’s loss “isn’t even a remote possibility,” his strongest statement to date on Neuheisel’s immediate future.

“Rick is my coach,” Guerrero said after watching the lopsided loss. “I don’t know who is talking about him being relieved early, but it’s certainly not me. He’s a great Bruin. I want to see him succeed.

“We’ll evaluate at the end of the year like we always evaluate and make determinations (of) what we’re going to do at that point. But right now, all this talk about him staying or him going, that does nothing for our team that is trying to regroup and go out there every week and play hard and try to win football games.”

Neuheisel is a dead man.

Can Save His Job By:  Having incriminating photos of Dan Guerrero.

3) Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars

Odds of Getting Fired: Right Now, Moammar Qaddafi Has A Better Chance of Keeping His Job, and He’s Dead

Actually, it would be a more relevant use of space to discuss the proper spelling of “Qaddafi.” Lord knows I wouldn’t want to inadvertently disrespect a murderous, terrorist-supporting dickweed. I’d like to make sure it was intentional. However, that isn’t the point here.

In eight years, Del Rio has one playoff win.  His own players don’t believe in him anymore,  and his handling of the David Garrard situation is reason enough to show him the door.

Realistically, the Jags are 1-5, are currently on a five-game skid and have a realistic chance to enter their bye week at 1-7.

4) Houston Nutt, Mississippi

Odds of Getting Fired: It’s Not That They Don’t Want To…

The following quote is from Ole Miss Athletic Director Pete Boone back on September 19th after the Rebels’ 30-7 drubbing at the hands of Vanderbilt.

The fullness of the Ole Miss football experience that you deserve and have generously invested in, has not lived up to expectations recently. Coach Nutt and I met today and discussed the current state of Ole Miss football. Both of us are extremely disappointed in our performance this year. We agreed that to be successful, this disappointment must be met head on with solutions for improvement. We discussed several areas that needed improvement and I support Coach Nutt in his effort to correct those areas.

As I have said, Saturday’s performance and our running two-season SEC record are unacceptable. Our commitment to compete at a championship level is as strong as ever and we will succeed! We need your continued support of the team as Saturday is another SEC weekend and we need you here!

Considering since then, the Rebels have only managed a win against Fresno State and are 0-4 in SEC play, they would love to put Nutt on the next train out of town.  However, Ole Miss doesn’t have $6 million to buy out Nutt’s contract, so expect Boone to keep blowing this kind of smoke for a while.

Can Save His Job By:  Keeping the Boosters From Ponying Up To Get Rid Of Him

5) Steve Spagnuolo, St. Louis Rams

Odds of Getting Fired: As soon as they find somebody who wants the job…

Spagnuolo might be a victim of expectations set too high. The Rams won one game in Spagnuolo’s first year and seven games in his second year. Everybody thought with a combination of Stephen Jackson and Sam Bradford  this might be the “breakout” year. Well, the Rams are 0-6  and are staring down a date with New Orleans.

Can Save His Job By:  Getting his offense to score more than 9 points per game

6) Mark Richt, Georgia

Odds of Getting Fired: Decrease exponentially if he beats a ranked team

Georgia has a real problem. Its fan base expects the bulldogs to be in contention for the SEC East every year, and every year those dreams dissolve either after the South Carolina or Florida game.

But it might be the Boise State loss that really sealed Richt’s fate.  The way the Bulldogs fell behind by three touchdowns after a 28-point Boise State romp that chewed up nearly half the game; that made Georgia look so over-matched you could tell the Bulldog alum had seen enough of the Richt show. Georgia just comes up short too often against the big-name competition, was simpluy isn’t going to keep the faithful in Athens happy.

Can Save His Job By:  Starts by beating Florida, but his $7 million buy out helps

7) Jeff Tedford, California

Odds of Getting Fired: The most 50/50 guy on this list

Tedford is like a Bay-Area version of Mark Richt. He’s a nice, well-tanned guy who started out strong, but has a bit of a “what have you done for me lately?” problem.  Since 2006 when Tedford led the Golden Bears to 10 wins and a share of a Pac-10 title, Cal hasn’t repeated that success, even in the light of USC’s troubles.

Guys we didn’t list because their firing is more of certainty than Moammar Qaddafi’s:

• Mike Riley, Oregon State
• Mike Locksley, New Mexico State
• Paul Wulff, Washington State

Guys who can coach their way on to the list:

• Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers
• Todd Haley, Kansas City Chiefs
• Danny Hope, Purdue
• Gary Kubiak, Houston Texans
• Steve Fairchild, Colorado State
• Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles
• Lezlie Frazier, Minnesota Vikings
• Jim Caldwell, Indianapolis Colts

Open Letter to Football Teams Firing Their Head Coach: Why You Should Hire Me

Let’s start with who I am…I’m a guy who played football at the D-II college level; I’m a middle-aged professional now who has 15 years experience in management. I am an engineer, and I make a living diagnosing problems and devising solutions. If you will, here are those skills described in a quasi-BS  “elevator speech” said entirely in Corpo-speak. Brace yourself…

In nearly 15 years of professional experience, I have successfully directed dynamic programs and projects of all sizes involving mission-critical products in both the medical and technology industries that are based largely on designing and implementing processes to promote strategic partnerships, improve production efficiency, product quality and usability, and foster the growth of internal and external teams.

Regardless of my role on a team, I have always employed the philosophy of combining the most effective use of resources and the continual education of and communication with teammates to achieve departmental and/or organizational objectives. The bottom line to my philosophy is increasing the quality of internal and external customer interaction can be as much of a revenue driver as the product itself.

If you are done vomiting, let me explain why this makes me the ideal candidate for your open head coaching position. Please allow me to begin by translating that utter BS into plain ol’ English.

I’ve got a 15-year track record of knowing how to get things done. I know how to spot a problem, I know how to develop and implement a plan, and I know how to get that plan to a successful completion. Along the way, we are going to find who the performers are on the team, and we are going to build a culture that turns performers into leaders, and leaders into winners.

I will be the first to admit that I am no better than the average arm-chair, play-calling coach when it comes to college or professional football. My limited experience with the game on the field is twenty years old, therefore of limited usefulness. In fact, I am on record as saying that such  arm-chair coaches are largely full of hot air. But my reasons for believing I should be your next head coach have little to do with what I will do; rather they revolve around what I won’t do.

As your head coach, I will not…

• …be afraid to delegate responsibility. I am not the “Xs and Os” guy. That’s the role for coordinators and position coaches. I’m also not going to be the guy filling the Gatorade bucket or folding towels. Rather, it is my role to make sure everybody in the organization knows their role, understands its importance, and executes its duties with zeal and dedication. People perform far better when you give them the ownership over their duties.
• …call out a member of my organization publicly, or tolerate a team member who does. Teams must have accountability not only to their leadership, but to each other. Teams must have the ability to “keep each other in line,” but making “family business” public is never acceptable.
• …make decisions based on personal gain rather than team needs. I don’t care what the blowhards on the local sports radio station think, I’m playing guys who I think give the team the best chance to win. Since I’m the guy in the locker room, I’m going to assume I know more than guys who aren’t. I will not make a decision to asguage public pressure, nor to curry public favor. If I am proven wrong, then it is incumbent upon me to own that.
• …ever let a team member think I don’t have his back. Whether you are a coach or a player, my philosophy is that I chalk out boundaries based on your role, and within those boundaries you are free to make any decision you feel is necessary. I will never question a judgement call;  all I ask is that you feel able to defend your action if needed.
• …pretend that I make the difference in the team’s performance. Because I don’t; my role is no more important that anybody else’s in the organization. I believe that importance to a team is based not on your responsibilities, rather on the impact your failure would have on your teammates. This means on a true team, everybody matters. It also means everybody must believe they make a difference. People who don’t believe their contribution matters don’t perform.
• …shrink away from recruiting duties. This likely applies on a larger scale to the college game insofar as you must take in active role in acquiring on-field talent. But in the professional game you certainly must recruit your off-field team; you can’t draft position coaches, coordinators, trainers, equipment managers, clubhouse managers, and all the other people who make a complete sports franchise.
• …fail to honor contractual obligations. I will not be the guy who storms out of press conferences just because I didn’t like a question. I will not be the guy who refuses to show up at ribbon-cutting ceremonies. I will not be the guy who won’t let players appear at public events and/or sign autographs. In fact, all those things are a central theme to a role as a public figure; failing them means I likely have failed several other points on this list.
• …obfuscate the truth. In my professional life as an systems engineer, I literally have had thousands of chances where I had to tell a design engineer “your baby is ugly,” and yet still need that guy to work with me. Patting somebody on the head who is failing, holding someone to a different set of standards than the rest of the team, and giving vague, non-descript, politically-correct answers to requests for constructive criticism or inquiries from the media or public are all examples of insulting people’s intelligence, which always leads to failure and it is a terrible reflection on you.

Take a critical look at the head coach you are contemplating firing, and you likely see the reason you are faced with this decision is because they did not adhere to one of the principles I’ve listed.  I’m not saying I will never make a mistake; mistakes are defined largely by a mixture of situation, perception, and outcome. What I am saying is that I will not violate what I consider to be the basics of leadership.

Coaches’ Death Watch: The Universal Football Edition

Since we last visited this topic, there have been many changes. Tim Brewster at Minnesota did indeed bite the dust with the rare mid-season canning; while some have gotten closer to being next, while others have likely saved their skins. But just for fun, since some of the coaches who are clearly under fire are NFL guys, we’ve have decided for the first time to include them in the Death Watch.

Those Who Have Likely Saved Themselves:

Ron Zook, Illinois Fighting Illini

The Illini are a lock to go to a bowl game at this point, since they only need one win to be eligible and have cupcakes like Minnesota and Fresno State still on the schedule. Besides, how many teams do you know that score 65 points and lose?

Ralph Friedgen, Maryland Terrapins

Don’t look now, but the Terrapins who were 2-10 last season are already bowl-eligible with a shot at winning the Atlantic Division of the ACC. Plus, when the athletic department can’t afford to buy you out, and you are retiring after next year anyway…

Still Can Save Themselves, But…

Rich Rodriguez, Michigan

He either has to win a bowl game or beat Ohio State. Period.  Because nobody is going to get more than three years to win in Ann Arbor. Jesus himself would be staying way from lumber stores in Michigan right about now…

Dennis Erickson, Arizona State

Erickson is a Hall of Fame caliber coach, so nobody at Arizona State wants to look as if they are giving him the bum’s rush. But he clearly hasn’t lived up to what the Sun Devil nation wanted. His National Championship experience was supposed to be reflected on the field. It wasn’t. His NFL experience was supposed to be reflected in recruiting. It hasn’t.

Erickson either needs to get to a bowl game or beat the hated rival; in this case winning the ” The Duel in the Desert” looks like a tall order as Arizona is ranked and looks like they have a legitimate NFL quarterback leading them.

Bob Toledo, Tulane

Lets’ face it, short of Washington State, this team might have the lowest expectations on this list. The Green Wave has gone a swampy 9-27 in the last three years. All Toledo has to do is not finish last  in Conference USA again.

So Incredibly Fired It Isn’t Funny

Dan Hawkins, Colorado

The Dan Hawkins Death Spasm: Coming Soon to a D-II school near you.

I don’t know how many “final nails” I’ve pounded into this guy’s coffin; add “letting the sorry-ass Kansas Jayhawks hang up 35 unanswered points in the 4th quarter” to the list. I wouldn’t be shocked if he gets “Brewster-ed” and spends Sunday morning cleaning out his office.

Paul Wulff, Washington State

Wulff’s problem isn’t the fact that his Cougars are 1-8, its that they haven’t been closer than two scores in any of them.  He couldn’t even  beat SMU, and four losses of 20 or more points means it is time for Wulff to wave bye-bye.

Mike Locksley, New Mexico

This absolute joke of a D-I program is sinking to historic depths. This is the program Purdue fans look at to feel better about themselves. It is no longer a question of if he Lobos will lose; it’s just a matter of how much. An 0-12 season seems like a lock at this point. Things are so bad in Albuquerque the Lobo faithful have constructed a list of excuses worthy of Minnesota Viking fans; the refs are out to get us, we’re too young, blah, blah, blah. Locksley can’t assemble talent on the coaching staff or on the field, which is why neither the players or the athletic director have any respect for him. Combine that with the fact that Locksley has had some off-the-field issues which seem like they are just another note on the jack-in-the-box from springing back into the headlines, and his departure must be a foregone conclusion.

Brad Childress, Minnesota Vikings

What can you say here that hasn’t already been said? The latest example of Childress’ fading grasp on the controls came in the form of yet another player altercation.  According to Judd Zulgad of the Minneapolis Star Tribune, Brad Childress got into an argument with Percy Harvin during Friday’s practice. The report states that Childress questioned Harvin’s effort this season, creating an even darker cloud around the team. The relationship between Childress and Harvin is already shaky, so it isn’t surprising they would have a blow-out, not to mention Harvin was “livid” over the release of Randy Moss.

Besides, when word gets out the owner wanted you gone, its time to piss on the campfire.  It’s funny this whole Moss thing started over a caterer, because Childress is the kind of guy who burns dinner, serves it anyway, and then bullies you into telling him it is delicious. He was a shitty offensive coordinator in Philadelphia, which helps to explain why a Childress offense with the greatest running back to hit this league in 25 years still can’t run the fucking ball. The guy is just an incomprehensible choad. He needs to go back to coaching high school kids where his “look at what a tough guy I am” bullshit still works.

Wade Phillips, Dallas Cowboys

Phillips is the anti-Childress; he is both an exceptional defensive coordinator and by all accounts one of the genuinely nicest guys in the league. But like Childress, he really has no business being a head coach. This isn’t an indictment of Phillips, rather just an observation that he simply doesn’t have the skill set to be a head coach. He now is clearly in over his head with the complete collapse of the Cowboys; he even admitted this in last week’s post-game presser when he said “If I knew what to do, I’d be doing it.”

And much like Childress, his job is safe through the end of the season for one big reason. Firing a coach means hiring a new one, and nobody wants to hand somebody a new job knowing there’s a lock-out coming next season. Don’t kid yourself, there’s going to be a work stoppage, and it is likely going to be a long one. Who better to play care-taker to a do-nothing job than a guy who isn’t in your future plans anyway?

Welcome to the Hot Seat Club

Danny Hope, Purdue

The honeymoon has got to be over in West Lafayette.  Everybody in Boiler Nation now has to admit that Danny Hope isn’t the savior they thought he was. Boiler fans heard a lot of stuff about what a great recruiter he was, and how he was going to take Purdue to the promised land of the upper division of the Big Ten. While he has upped the talent pool a bit by getting more kids from Florida and less of the home-grown stiffs like Jason “AARP” Werner, he simply is not a very good game-day coach. He makes some of the most bizarre decisions and can’t even make the simplest in-game adjustments. A Hope game plan better work from the jump, because there is no ability to tweak it.  A great case in point comes from Saturday’s loss to Wisconsin. All you have to do is follow the Tweets of the local beat writer who covers Boilermaker football.  See if you can spot when Wisconsin made an adjustment Hope couldn’t handle…

• #Purdue only had 64 yards in the first half at Illinois last week. #Boilermakers have 93 yards right now.
• Could we see a repeat of last year’s Ohio State game? #purdue #boilermakers
• Two things Wisconsin has done well this season: No sacks and no turnovers. Today, 2 sacks, 1 turnover. #purdue #boilermakers
• Wisconsin has now scored 10 points off #Purdue turnovers. #boilermakers
• #Purdue only 13 yards in 2nd half. Badgers third drive starts at their own 49 after starting at Purdue 18 and Purdue 49.

You would think Purdue fans would be so used to this they would see it coming, but they never do.

Marvin Lewis, Cincinnati Bengals

Let’s be honest, it is time somebody got held accountable for this team’ s complete underperforming. They’ve run through all the other excuses short of calling out Carson Palmer.  Besides, it is easier  to fire a coach than to come to terms with the fact the problem is cultural and systemic and may take years to fix.

Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers

See the entry above for Marvin Lewis and replace the words “Carson Palmer” with “All the holdouts.” Also, add a sentence that says something to the effect of “only Norv Turner can have a quarterback on a pace to have 5,000 passing yards and still lose.”

Open Letter To Football Fans: You Could Not Be A Coach Despite How Good You Are At Madden

We have a critical problem in this country. We have far too many people who think they are perfectly qualified for jobs that they don’t have the first clue how to do. You can thank video games for that. Would you pay to listen to a Guitar Hero concert? Would you trust a pilot trained only on Flight Sim? We can’t find any guys who will play a few games of HALO then go take on some real bad guys, but we have a whole nation full of couch-ass-groove-makers who think just because they can win at Madden Football they could replace (insert failing NFL coach here).

I understand the frustration that fans of terrible football teams face; I’m a lifelong Philadelphia Eagle fan. This is why I was doing nude cartwheels around my back-yard when we finally off-loaded Brad Childress on the Vikings. Even though he was not the head coach in Philadelphia, you could tell he had all the perfect qualities to make him a huge failure in the top job. But even a complete waste of a headset like Childress would kick your ass as a coach, and make your wife hold his coat while he did it.  Face it, guys like Childress are head coaches because they’ve dedicated 30 years of their lives to nothing but football.  You have no background at all in coaching football, and even if you did, unless you are a coach right now,  you are completely starting over while a guy like Childress has been eating, breathing, and sleeping this stuff for decades.

As hard as it is to believe, this idiot is still a better coach than you will ever be.

Remember, Brad Childress has forgotten more about football than you will ever know. That is only one reason why you as an NFL coach is completely preposterous. Even if the Vikings fired Brad Childress tomorrow, there’s a bazillion guys more qualified who would get the call before you did. Let’s look at the complete list of candidates:

• Any other current head coach
• Anybody who has been a head coach in the last ten years
• Any current offensive or defensive coordinator
• Anybody who has been an offensive or defensive coordinator in the last ten years
• Any current or former college coach or coordinator
• Any coach or coordinator from the Canadian Football League (as long as somebody keeps reminding him we have FOUR downs)
• Any actor who has played a football coach more than twice
• Burt Reynolds and/or Lee Corso, depending on who returns the call first
• Any postal worker
• Everybody who has beaten you at Madden
• You

Even if they got through all those better candidates and still hired you, the only thing that is going to happen is the entire world will be watching at the precise moment you realize you are in waaaaaaaaaaay over your head. In other words, you will screw up just like the guys who spent their whole lives coaching football. The difference is they know how to handle failure in real-time; Brad Childress doesn’t have the option of pausing an NFL game to take a dump, smoke a cigarette, rub one out or whatever it is you do for forty minutes while you decide whether or not to run a screen pass on third down.

That’s only a taste of what a real football coach has to do.  Let’s look at all the balls you get to juggle all while worrying about play-calling with millions of people watching you.

Play-Calling: As a head coach, you can either call the plays yourself or delegate that to a coordinator. If you keep play-calling as your responsibility, realize that you have to evaluate the personnel on the field, the game situation, the team position on the field, make a decision on which play to run and communicate that successfully in less than ten seconds. If you delegate it, you then have to be strong enough to get criticized for plays you didn’t call. It really doesn’t matter since you don’t know the first thing about running an NFL offense or defense, which means you will fail on your own and you couldn’t evaluate a good coordinator to fail for you.

Game Management: The next NFL game you watch, I want you to maintain absolute focus on what is happening at all times. Don’t lock yourself in a room to do it; in fact, let your wife have one of those pyramid-scheme parties where they sell crap like cheap jewelry and make-up in the same room with you.  Do everything you can to simulate being on a sideline where there are 100 people all doing different things simultaneously. Remember, you are the head coach and it is your job to know exactly what is happening with those every one of those 100 people for every single second.  Keep in mind that amongst all this chaos, you need to do all the little things like making sure you and your quarterback are reading plays from the same armband, that your headset is tuned to the right place so you aren’t listening to local air traffic control, and not trip over the chain gang all while running a football game for three and a half hours. This is the part I think every person who believes they could out-coach (insert any failing coach here) seriously overlooks. You are the head coach, EVERYTHING is your fault. It doesn’t matter whose job it is to fill the Gatorade bucket, if your star quarterback cramps up and shreds a hamstring because it was empty, you are the one who will take the rap for it.

Public Relations: Consider this to be a concentrated version of “You are the head coach, EVERYTHING is your fault.” When you screw up at Madden, there aren’t going to be seventy-five reporters in your living room questioning every single thing you did. You aren’t going to get in your car on Monday morning, turn on the radio and hear an endless stream of reasons why you are an idiot and should be fired. You aren’t going to pick up the newspaper just to see a column explaining that your head actually is not physically up your ass, it just seems that way. After listening to a steady diet of that crap, you have to graciously and professionally face the media and public that spends 83 hours a day trashing you. No matter how much you want to, you don’t get to tell one of those reporters to eat a bag of shit and die. God forbid you say something like that to a fan. In other words, you have to eat it, no matter what. You can only say a lot of nondescript crap like  “We just gotta play them one game at a time,” otherwise you will become a YouTube video forever.

Dealing with the Front Office: If you have a player in the NFL who sucks, you can’t just edit his settings. In fact, you most likely can’t even control who is on your team; you have a general manager for that. Much like any manager, more often than not you are not going to agree with him on player personnel decision, therefore you have to make do with whatever players he gives you, and remember, no matter what, is YOUR fault if you can’t win with a team of stiffs.

Leadership: This is a word you will hear a lot when you lose with the aforementioned team of stiffs.  It won’t matter that the team has no talent and lacks the ability to be coached, the word will be you have no ability to lead. You may be the average dimwit we call a leader now in America, or you may be the greatest leader in the history of leadership, it won’t matter.  Never forget, you are the head coach, EVERYTHING is your fault.  However, in this case, the lack of leadership charge will most likely be legitimate. This is a problem throughout America today; the complete lack of leadership ability has run rampant. This country is full of people who think leadership is all about intimidation, yelling, and screaming or worse yet, the “soft leader” who wants everybody to like them and believes everybody needs to have their input valued. Think of this as a contrast between an unconscionable asshole like Tom Coughlin or a marshmallow like Wade Phillips. Like you, neither of these guys could lead a pack of hungry wolves to fresh meat, which is why neither one of them has ever been able to lead a team that needed real leadership. Why are they like you? Because as a Madden oficianado, you are either a college kid or an accountant at a Dunder-Mifflin type place who is hanging on to those college days. This means you’ve never had a chance to discover what real leadership is, which is going to be a problem when you have to deal with a pissed-off 340-pound lineman who is trashing the locker room because you benched him for getting three holding penalties in one quarter of football. This also means the first time that guy gets in your face you are going to drop to the ground, curl up in the fetal position and soil yourself. It’s hard to lead from the locker room floor coiled in your own poo.

Hasn't pooped his pants...yet.

The Actual Job: What most people don’t realize about being a head coach is that it is a seriously shitty job. This is why you have to pay people who can actually do it a lot of money.  Head coaches work 18-hour days at least six days a week. They study game film constantly. How would you like to watch instant replays for twelve straight hours? You’d carve your eyeballs out with a linoleum knife.  Even when you aren’t busting your ass with football stuff, there’s the never-ending parade of contractual media engagements and personal appearances. That stuff only gets worse the more successful you are. Right now, Sean Payton has what was left of his spare time eaten up by having to do photo opportunities at a grade school or being at a ribbon-cutting ceremony opening another goddamn supermarket somewhere.

In other words, before you are willing to shatter the fan illusion that you would be a better head coach than the Brad Childress’ of the world, you might want to consider all the crap being an NFL head coach means. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a defense of Childress, Wade Phillips, Tom Coughlin or any other horrible coach out there, rather an attempt to illustrate that you wouldn’t do any better because you couldn’t even handle the part you know about, let alone the rest of the job.