Since it seems the college football world is about to undergo the tectonic shift of conference re-alignment we’ve all been waiting for, it may be time for us here at Dubsism to introduce you to a conference and its members with whom you may not be all that familiar.
When it comes to the Pac-10, everybody has seen USC; after all, it is the only team in the conference folks on the East Coast will stay up past 10 p.m. to see (well, maybe not now since the Trojans are about to get clipped, but that’s another story). While the fan bases of this conference are exceedingly loyal, those fans are going to see teams on their schedules in the near future of which they likely will know absolutely nothing.
Luckily, there is a way to prevent such a tragedy. All sports teams have a personality; we here at Dubsism intend to enlighten those of you possibly dawning a new era by comparing a team which you may know little about to a better-known entity; in this case characters from the popular sit-com “Scrubs.”
University of Southern California – Dr. Kelso
Trojan football has been at the top of the Pac-10 food chain since the dawn of time, and they are going to be there for just as long. See, Sacred Heart Hospital has the policy about retiring administrators at age 65, not the Pac-10.
Even after the NCAA exacts it’s pound of flesh for the whole Reggie Bush fiasco, USC will be around forever, much like Bob Kelso will always be the Chief of Medicine as long as re-runs exist. Like “Beelze-Bob,” USC has been there forever, Cal thinks they are Satan incarnate, and you could envision them getting a “Shanghai Surprise with a Happy Ending” and making you watch.
University of California – Dr. Cox
Nobody talks better than Cal…or Cal fans. Nobody can review the short-comings of everybody else, all while failing to see their own anger-management issues or borderline alcoholism. They’re just smart enough to be sarcastic, and just animated enough to be funny without being obnoxious. However, at the end of the day, they usually still have to deal with Kelso, but every once in a while, this happens.
Arizona State University – The Todd
Why is that in my mind, there was only one choice for a school best represented by a sexual deviant in an “I ♥ Vaginas” t-shirt and banana hammock? Oh yeah, it’s that whole porn star cheerleader thing…
Let’s be honest…Arizona State is a party school; it always has been, and it always will be. But party schools serve just as important a function as do the Harvards of the world, if not more so. You expect things from Harvard grads, but somebody has to matriculate the next purveyor of the “Miracle Five.” After all, do I really care if the guy who saved my life can summarize Proust?
Stanford University– JD
What else can say you about a school whose nickname is the Cardinal, and its mascot is a tree? If there is a rule, it is that your mascot should match your nickname. People in the Bay Area should know this better than after the San Francisco Giants tried to infuse Candlestick Park with some foam-rubber based enthusiasm in the form of, no, not a giant, but a giant crab.
Who the hell else would make the leap between a giant and a crustacean whose main lot in life is to be dunked in melted butter? The same people who would be delusional enough to connect cardinal red with an evergreen tree.
This is why JD represents everything that is Stanford…he’s smart, he’s nerdy, and he has internal monologues that in non-smart people are usually referred to as delusions. While most Stanfordians secretly wish they could be Dr. Cox, more often than not they have this effect. If you don’t believe, the proof is just a click away…
University of California – Los Angeles – Turk
For a while there, between Karl Dorrell’s firing and the rise of Barack Obama, Turk held the title of whitest black man in America, if for no other reason than it’s whiter to be a surgeon that a fat TV guy (yes, Bryant Gumbel, that was aimed at your 275-pound caramel-colored candy ass).
This, amongst other reasons, makes Turk the quintessential black L.A. professional. First of all, none of his friends are black. Think about it; when’s the last time you saw Turk hangin’ wit’ Snoop Dog Resident or Leonard, the hook-handed security guard (well, I give him a pass on that one because, honestly, who wants to hang out with a security guard?)
Second of all, his best friend is white, and he’s proud of that. But for the biggest qualification…Turk is not married to a black woman. We’re still not brave enough in America to let him be married to a white woman on television, but Latinas are A-OK, which is why Carla is Puerto Rican Mexican Illegal Dominican.
University of Arizona – The Janitor
If you’ve ever been in a place like Quartzite, Arizona, you know towns in rural Arizona only have three things:
- 14 recreational-vehicle dealerships
- 5 gas stations
- 300 guys who 100% bat-shit crazy
So, who better to represent the rural residents of Arizona than a guy who seems crazy enough to live in a sheet-metal box in the desert and invent things like the “Knife-wrench?” Let’s face it…the way you get that special kind of crazy is to live in a trailer under a steady stream of intense solar radiation, with enough time to allow the cerebral softening needed to concoct shit like the “Drill-fork.”
And face it, Arizonans…we all know you are cracked, otherwise, you would have never given us Evan Mecham.
University of Oregon – Snoop Dogg Intern Resident Attending
Autzen Stadium has become the epicenter of being black in the Pac-10. The Ducks are usually laden with talent, yet they can’t get any respect. The “man” is always keeping them down; the Dennis Dixon-led team of a few years ago was the first in the conference to enjoy any level of success with a black quarterback since the Rodney Peete-led Trojans. And don’t even get me started on what happened last year when LeGarrette Blount got disrespected.
Sure, Oregon may be one of the whitest states in the union, but the Ducks know how to get their groove on. Sadly, the only team who gets their struggle is Dr. Kelso.
Oregon State University– Ted
Where is the irony in the fact that Oregon State would get the pick as the creepy loser, considering the fact that the team name is the Beavers, and yet these guys couldn’t get near a beaver with an arsenal including 18th-century French-Canadian trappers and a suitcase full of rohypnol?
But, let’s be honest…orange does illicit hostile behavior, even in those forced to wear UCLA blue…
University of Washington – Elliot
Husky football throughout history has been the uptight, hot blond of the Pac-10. They have been competent enough generally to be successful; even finding their way into private practice. They are hot enough to make you want to see them naked, but they somehow find a way to make the experience of de-clothing the easy hot blond less than satisfying. That pretty much makes UW “Purple and Gold” medal winners in “moment killing.” (Aside: note Turk/UCLA’s Neil Diamond impression…yet another log on the “black guy who is really a white guy” bonfire if you ask me, but I digress).
Washington perfects moment killing by being annoying in that special way only really bound-up white chicks can do. College football teams do this by looking like a winning team, then failing to cover the spread EVERY FUCKING TIME you bet on them. In other words, you find yourself at the end of the day asking “Why couldn’t they be married to Dr. Cox?”
Washington State University – Doug
One of the beautiful things about “Scrubs” is that it accurately reflects the social strata of a hospital. The sad truth is that in the medical caste system, there is only one guy who ranks below the security guard; and it takes a trail of corpses to do it.
Enter Doug Murphy. He cowardly hits dead guys with fire extinguishers. He may have killed more people than a CIA agent. He may need to be sealed “airtight” with baby carrots. In fact, much like Doug, Washington State only gets sarcastic “respect” when the upper-classmen of the Pac-10 are making fun.
1) Hotty Toddy Gosh Almigh…FAAACK!!!
When Houston Nutt’s Ole Miss Rebels travel to Columbia for a showdown with the South Carolina ‘Cocks of the “Ol’ Ball Coach,” and you put it on national television, entertainment should abound. First of all, there’s at least three good Beavis and Butthead-types jokes in the prior sentence alone. Then there’s always the side-bets…How many visors will Steve Spurrier fire into the turf? Will Nutt finally have the brain-splattering stroke he always looks just on the verge of having? Anytime the Nutt gets exposure, you never know just what could happen.
As for the game itself, one could be in for a ridiculous multi-overtime affair with each team scoring north of 60 points. Or just as likely, one could be treated to a cro-magnon yet exquisitely brutal old-school SEC mud-and-blood defense-fest. The only way it could suck is getting neither.
Nutt’s Rebels must have decided that a #4 ranking was a bit much, as they really offered a gripping demonstration as to why they believe so. Granted, winning on the road in the SEC is never easy (unless you are in Knoxville), but when you have the offensive guruistry of the Nutt armed with a big-time quarterback in Jevon Snead and a Percy Harvin-type playmaker in Dexter McCluster, you must put more on the board than two field goals in the first thirty minutes.
Sometimes you win like a Nutt and sometimes you don’t, but to win you always gotta score touchdowns on the road.
2) Who Wants to be Jan Brady?
If you are my age, you remember the “See and Say.” It taught you what noises various animal made. What Oregon showed us on Saturday is that a Duck can make a Bear say “FAAACK!” Cal made this utterance collectively while having their traditional title-hopes-ending loss a week early, as they really looked like a team concentrating on losing to Southern Cal this week.
Of course, this just delays Southern Cals’ triumphant return; the clubbing they put on the closest rival for the title. Now, we all wait until the end of October for Oregon to take it’s turn as one of the Pac-10 troika that rotates playing Jan Brady to Southern Cal’s Marcia.
3) A World Simultaneous “FAAACK!” Record
All the way from Lexington you could hear it. A full-throated, this-is-the-end-of-days type roar erupting from the freaked-out face of every Florida Gator fan at the precise moment Tim Tebow hit the turf at Commonwealth Stadium. It looked bad in live action, but thanks to instant replay, you got the Zapruder-like imagery needed to determine exactly how close Tebow came to being killed. First, you were amazed that his head didn’t actually come off. Then you were convinced he was going to be paralyzed. As happy as you were to see him walk off the field, you still couldn’t believe it was happening.
4) The FAAACK-ing FAAACK-Eyes!
So, now it’s official. Iowa now gets “the red circle of seething hatred” on my Penn State football schedule; the very same usually permanently reserved for Ohio State and Michigan. The Hawkeyes will remain that third circle every fall until the Nittany Lions actually beat this team.
Not even a Tarantino-style “going medieval on their asses” will suffice. This calls for the ultimate; a Sam Peckinpah-esque slo-mo orgy of death.
“Mr. Kiffin, we have some good news, and some bad news…”
It’s not like Tennessee-Florida is a rivalry with enough heat in it, Lane Kiffin seriously upped the ante when he took the Volunteers’ top job. Upon arriving in Knoxville last winter, he immediately stoked Vol Nation with promises of singing “Rocky Top” in Gainesville all night long after beating the Gators. If that weren’t enough, Kiffin also riled up Florida with his allegations of NCAA violations by Pope Urban I.
Tennessee lost; but Kiffin managed to eat the eighty-pound breakfast burrito comprised of his own words, surviving both the girth and the spice being force-fed to him. While he won the “Man vs. Food” challenge by getting the Vols to make a respectable showing against Florida, having to digest the rest of the campaign through the SEC may cause Kiffin’s colon to burst.
Don’t You Hate It When Your Trojan Breaks?
If you were waiting for Southern Cal’s annual gag-job, wait no longer. Washington quarterback Jake Locker did his best emulation of what Matt Barkley did during Southern Cal’s game-winning drive in Columbus, leading the Huskies to their first win over the Trojans since 2001 and their first win over a ranked BCS conference team since 2003, all a week after ending the nation’s longest losing streak.
The Heisman is Supposed To Go To The “Best” Player
Prior to every season, there are touted hopefuls; those who all expect to see at the at the Downtown Athletic Club in December – this years crop included Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford. Once the season begins, one of the anointed always drops out of the picture. Then there’s the guy who pops into the discussion.
Enter California running back Jahvid Best. Since Bradford went down with a shoulder injury, Best has racked up a nation-leading nine touchdowns, including this past weekend’s signature five-score showing at Minnesota.
Granted, there is a lot of football left in this college season, but Best faces some long odds on winning the Heisman at this point. He is not a quarterback, who 8 of the 9 most recent winners have been, and the last west coast player to win the award who wasn’t a Southern Cal Trojan was Oregon State’s Terry Baker (also a quarterback) in 1962.
“Coach Hawkins, The Governor is on Line 1…”
Flanked by a priest and two badges carrying shotguns, Dan Hawkins is walked into a dark room somewhere deep in the bowels of Folsom Field. Only a creaky wooden chair connected to industrial strength wiring sitting under a single light saves the room from complete emptiness. The priest turns to Hawkins, whispering “It’s time, coach” in his ear.
Losing at home to in-state rival Colorado State for the first time in 23 years got the leather straps put around his wrists and ankles. Getting clubbed by Toledo got the wiring attached; a hand on the switch. Then came the awkward silence; the waiting for the clock to strike the appointed hour, a silence shattered in an instant shattered by the ringing of a red phone on the wall. One of the shotgun-toting badges glares at Hawkins from under the visor of his cap pulled low while he reaches for the phone.
“Hello?…Yes, Governor…I understand. Your order will be carried out,” the badge grunts disapprovingly out of the side of his grizzled mouth. “Take him back to his cell. The Governor says today is not the day.”
Why the reprieve after the aforementioned futilities and posting a 13-26 record in 3 seasons-plus at Colorado? Let’s face it…if your job depends on beating the hapless Wyoming Cowboys, the stay of execution is just that; a stay. Now, it just seems a matter of when the switch will be thrown, as the schedule doesn’t favor Hawkins and the Buffaloes. The next three games hold most-likely unwinnable trips to West Virginia and Texas, followed by a visit from the Kansas Jayhawks.
Even the kids can’t wait to throw the switch.
Circus Maximus at Autzen Stadium?
Two weeks ago, the Oregon Ducks looked like a team flirting with an implosion on the scale of the last days of the Roman Empire. Their star running back was suspended indefinitely after the brawl he tried to start in the aftermath of the 19-8 loss at Boise State. Last week, the Ducks needed some late game heroics to stave off a home loss to Big Eleven Ten doormat Purdue. The season looked to hold the peril usually carried by throngs of “Attila the Hun” types thundering over the horizon.
What a difference a week makes. Oregon rebuffed the enemy at the gates by bringing about on Saturday the decline and fall of Utah’s national-best 16-game winning streak.
Duck head coach Chip Kelly avoided becoming a green and yellow Romulus Augustus, side-stepping overthrow at the hands of Odoacer by keeping his team together in the face of the Hun onslaught. The win against the Utes coupled with Southern Cal suffering an early-season conference loss sets the stage Saturday for a showdown with California in Strawberry Canyon; the winner having the inside track to win the Festival of Consualia known as the Pac-10.
Get Ready for the Over-Rating of Michigan
The University of Michigan has nearly 400,000 alumni world-wide, all of whom believe the maize and blue represents the greatest program not only in the history of college football, but in the history of everything ever. This is how a team that went 3-9 last year can claim national ranking after beating the likes of Northern Michigan, Southern Michigan Eastern Michigan, Western Michigan, and an over-hyped Notre Dame squad.
If Michigan gets all the to Penn State with only one loss (consecutive road games at Michigan State and Iowa offer the loss potential; The Wolvies aren’t likely to lose to Indiana and Delaware State in the “Big House”), brace yourself for a Wolvie-gasm that’s been two years in the making. It’s been at least that long since the “Go Blue” crowd has had anything to get excited about, and they may just begin erupting like sailors on shore leave.