Because we are into the greatest 12 weekends of the year, it is also time to remind some people of just who they are. In other words, we are taking the pre-season Dubsism Top 25 and reminding them that they suck. Let’s be honest, a big part of college football is trash-talking. This is exactly why I intend to go through the Top 25 and say awful things about every team and state involved.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Bear Bryant is dead, and it is high time you assholes quit running around in those houndstooth hats.
More importantly, with all the schools now getting caught for (insert NCAA violation here) it really just has to be a matter of time before Alabama gets caught (again). It’s been a program so dirty Mike Rowe should be investigating it.
If the world of college football were a bunch of children, Oklahoma would be the one you tell its OK to take candy from strangers. There really is nothing quite like the crap OU fans will put you through as they are reminding you what a storied program the Sooners are. Of course, they generally have to do this after Oklahoma’s most recent choke-job against (insert lousy Big 12 doormat here or crushing bowl game loss here).
Ten years ago, you didn’t need to pay attention to this team and its seizure-inducing uniforms. Now, since they’ve made it a point to recruit every Los Angeles street thug even USC won’t touch, we have to hear about them every year. Thankfully, now they’ve scheduled a real game in September, so hopefully we won’t need to hear about how great they are just because they can handle Washington State. Seriously, if you are going to pay to illegally obtain recruiting film, do it so you can beat somebody worthwhile.
As long as the state of Wisconsin exists, R.J. Reynolds will never go broke since they own Kraft Foods, Miller Beer and Marlboro cigarettes, which happen to be the three dietary staples in America’s Dairyland.
Honestly, Wisconsin is like Penn State and the SEC had an illegitimate child. Joe Paterno himself couldn’t construct a better offense based on gargantuan, sausage-fed offensive lineman and a bruising running back who eats contact like candy. Then, their is the Wiscy-level of drinking, which easily can put even the most moonshine-riddled southern peckerwood to shame.
LSUcks. I mean, they’ve won two titles in the last decade, but neither should count. The first was just Nick SabaNazi splitting the love with Petey Cheaty TrojanFace and the second was beating arguably the most over-rated (and by “over-rated” I also mean “terrible,” and by that I mean “Ohio State”) teams ever allowed in a BCS Title game. Not to mention Les Miles is a complete mental case.
Where do I start? First of all, there is the fact that finally this team is in a real conference, which means they get to go somewhere more interesting than the land of endless Kansas they’ve been imprisoned in for decades. Nothing can improve your situation more than never having to go to Kansas ever again.
Plus I still think Big Tweleveten should have deferred Nebraska’s admittance until they specifically defined what a “Cornhusker” really is. I’ve been told it is just a guy who beats off in a cornfield a lot, and I just don’t think that is appropriate. Not to mention it totally changes my view of “popcorn.”
Oh, and Tom Osborne molests collies.
7) Florida State
What can you say about an institution that makes the University of Florida look good? Florida State is the “strip mall” of universities, and it is exactly that level of non-sophistication which makes it perfect for Tallahassee, which is actually the capital city of Lower Alabamida.
8 ) Boise State
I’m so tired of this team. They’ve been playing this “David” bit against everybody else’s Goliath, and I’m totally over it. This is a team that has been living off that Fiesta Bowl win over Oklahoma a few years back, and they haven’t won anything meaningful since. Join a real conference and play a real schedule, otherwise you are just a western Notre Dame.
How can anybody have any respect for a school which is supposed to be full of the uber-smart, yet it can’t even figure out its own mascot. The nickname is the Cardinal, not the bird or the pope-in-training, but the color. Somehow, this color is represented by an ass-eating tree. No wonder I weep for the future of this country.
10) Oklahoma State
You almost want to feel sorry for Oklahoma State…almost. The only people who go to Oklahoma State are the ones who couldn’t get into Oklahoma. That’ s gotta hurt all by itself; it’s like going to Costco because you couldn’t even get a membership at Sam’s Club. Worse yet, imagine having to deal with that kind of rejection while living in Stillwater. Even people in Tulsa think Stillwater sucks.
Oklahoma State fans think somehow the success of their basketball team means anything to football fans. Their chants at football games are generally some unintelligent ramblings about the other teams love for male genitalia. Of course, the hoards of douchebag fans which inhabit Stillwater have nothing but time to be so creative as the average OSU female tends to prefer female genitalia. This is why it is metaphysical certitude one of them will start carving up hookers and dumping them under T. Boone Pickens Stadium.
11) South Carolina
Gamecocks… What else do I need to say? The jokes write themselves. Feel free to contribute your own.
12) Texas A&M
Legend has it that the “A&M” in Texas A&M used to stand for “All-Male.” We’ve also noticed the” aTm” on the Aggies helmets represents a particularly nasty acronym, and I don’t mean “at the moment.” I’m just sayin’…
13) Virginia Tech
It used to be that Virginia Tech was the poster child for over-rated, waste-of-time East Coast football. Then Virginia Tech and Miami joined the ACC supposedly forming a superconference. That idea got so screwed up I’m surprised Barack Obama wasn’t involved in it. But since they are on the East Coast this team for some reason is always a “dark horse” national title contender. Tech is good for 10 painfully boring wins and an equally boring bowl victory. Honestly, watching a Virginia Tech game is like watching ice melt, except not as exciting.
There’s being a fan; then there’s going too far. Somehow you just know this is less about “supporting the team” and more about greasing the railsl for a serious discussion with the family about Daddy’s transvestism.
Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet. All this really accomplishes is to see which Christian Texas asshole school gets to lay claim to cookware. Big deal. What should really play happen is BYU should play Notre Dame every year so we can see which Christian asshole school won’t be a BCS buster.
- noun, often capitalized \ˈshä-dən-ˌfrȯi-də\
- Definition of SCHADENFREUDE: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others
- Origin of SCHADENFREUDE: German, from Schaden “damage” + Freude “joy”
- First Known Use: 1895
I’m going to enjoy this so much…words can’t describe how much I hate Lane Kiffin. He’s college football’s equivalent to that kid at your office who only has the job because he’s somebody nephew or frat brother or some other connection which has absolutely nothing to do with his crushing incompetence. I can’t even begin to describe how fun it is going to be watching this pompous pseudo-fruit hurtle over the NCAA cliff. I hope the they find out all the crap he did at Tennessee, then I hope they find more stuff he did at USC, then I hope they ban him from the game.
That won’t happen, but it would be fun to see Kiffin’s slime trail return USC to the Paul Hackett era, when the Trojans couldn’t beat TCU in the Sun Bowl. God, what a sweet time that was.
17) Ohio State
I should leave this section blank, because I was really raised to believe that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. But if I were to do that, then this whole article would be blank. What else can you say about Ohio, a state where the rivers catch fire and sodomizing a relative is considered a proper form of greeting? Seriously, Ohio is the reason why “To Catch A Predator” exists; 8 Saturdays a year 100,000 Buckeyes cram themselves into Ohio Stadium, which is the anus of the Big Ten. The best thing I can say about Ohio is somehow it manages to let those hillbilly dipshits from the SEC have self-esteem.
18) Michigan State
Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the Big Twelevten teams who aren’t Wisconsin, Ohio State, or Penn State. They all really do the same thing. They become bowl-eligible, and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Mississippi State “We Both Humped Our Sisters, But Our Accents Are Weirder” Bowl. What makes Michigan State different is their coach who enjoys having heart-attacks after game winning field goals.
Auburn has a long tradition of hiring mouth-breathers as coaches. There was the runt of the Bowden litter, then there was “Dumbo” Tuberville, and now there’s Gene Chizik. Chizik is an over-hyped bag of guts, which is perfect for a school full of frauds, closet racists, and over-inflated egos. Honestly, all that separates Auburn from being a southern-fried Notre Dame is the dark and barbarous Catholic Church.
20) Mississippi State
If you can’t play football, at least give us slutty, naked cheerleaders. This marks Mississippi State’s first measure of relevance in nearly a century.
Don’t be mislead by the production, this isn’t a book, it’s a pamphlet. You can’t fill a whole book with “Be ranked until you play Oklahoma.”
There’s a reason why they call it “UGAy.” Seriously, it doesn’t take much to figure out all those good, ol’ boys at Sanford Stadium secretly bat for the other team. After all, it was a dead give away when we noticed they love to wind down after their annual “Queer Beating” by doing the world’s biggest “elephant walk.” At least they aren’t playing “soggy biscuit” anymore…I think. Not to mention “Deliverance” was set in Georgia. I wonder if Georgia football makes Ned Beatty clinch up just a little.
Gainesville represents the epicenter of culture in Florida, which means they have log sculptures of Tim Tebow and they change the urinal cakes at the stadium once a season.
24) Penn State
There is a rule out that says you can’t say anything bad about Joe Paterno, because he is the dean of college football. He is 643 years old, which is why he doesn’t seem to have the sense of urgency needed to beat a bunch of nipple-gummers like Iowa or Ohio State. The last time he had a sense of urgency was when he ran off the field to take a dump a few years ago. It matters little as he will win more Big Tweleveten titles, even if it means we see a robotic JoePa patrolling the sidelines of State College.
25) Arizona State
These two tongue-lappers are a perfect representation of Arizona State. First, since they know they have been passed by Mississippi State on the slutty cheerleader scale, they get desperate for attention. This is the only reason girls like this make out with each other; so you’ll see past their sluttiness because they know every straight guy in America has that “two chicks” fantasy. The problem is they rarely will go all the way, much like Sun Devil football hasn’t seen a Rose Bowl since Jake “the Snake” Plummer.
Let’s face it, college programs cheat. There’s an old saying in college sports, “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.” Recently, we here at Dubsism hung a tag of “dirty program” on Auburn, but to be fair, they are far from the only one. Hell, they probably are all dirty; just because your school may not have been caught lately just means they are more discreet.
Plus, let’s be honest…getting away with it is a hell of a lot easier for some schools than others. If you doubt that, all you have to do is look at the NCAA’s precedent of deferring punishment for for moneymakers during money-making season; of course this refers to the bullshit punishments postponed until next season for Jim Tressel and Jim Calhoun. Plus, if you look at the following list, you’re going to notice a distinct lack of the real power-players in college sports.
10) Wisconsin Basketball and Football — Major Infractions: 7 Just months after its basketball program reached the Final Four in 2000, the Wisconsin athletic department imploded when 26 football players were suspended prior to the season opener after the NCAA uncovered that members of the Badgers’ football and basketball teams were given special credit arrangements at a shoe store (this “free shoes” tactic will appear again on this list). The Badgers were handed five years of probation, including the loss of scholarships in both football and basketball.
9) Memphis Basketball — Major Infractions:7 The program at Memphis has has two trips into the NCAA doghouse. The Final Four run in 1985 dissolved the following year when head coach Dana Kirk was fired after the NCAA uncovered recruiting violations and vacated the appearance. Then came John Calipari, who had the Tigers positioned to win the national title, but that later evaporated when Memphis got hit with three years of probation for Derrick Rose’s fraudulent SAT score and the $1,700 in free travel and lodging provided to his brother. Before penalties were levied, Calipari slithered off to Kentucky, which could soon find its way onto this list as the athletic program has six major infractions and the basketball program narrowly escaped the death penalty in 1989.
8 ) Florida State — Major Infractions: 7 Former Florida Gator coach Steve Spurrier once referred to FSU as “Free Shoes University,” which was really a reference to a 1993 scandal in which nine Florida State players went on an agent-funded shopping spree at Foot Locker. Then, in 1999 during a national championship run, Peter Warrick and Laveranues Coles were charged with felony grand theft for receiving $412.38-worth of clothes.
And in the sweetest moment ever, in 2009 Bobby “The Anti-Christ” Bowden was forced to vacate 12 victories because of an academic cheating scandal that also involved the men’s and women’s basketball, baseball, softball and men’s track and field programs. This not only is the best example of a program so corrupted it even torched the sports nobody cares about (a 2007 men’s track national championship was vacated), but these vacated wins meant Bowden would never catch Joe Paterno as the FBS’s all-time winningest coach.
7) Wichita State Baseball and Basketball — Major Infractions: 7 Wichita State’s baseball and basketball programs have flourished, largely because they can cheat with the big boys. The baseball program has been one of the most successful in recent history, winning the 1989 College World Series and finishing second in 1982, 1991, and 1993. The basketball program reached the Final Four in 1965, Elite Eight in 1981 and Sweet Sixteen in 2006. Of the seven infractions, mentioned here, my favorite involved the basketball team getting punted out of any tournaments after the Elite Eight run in 1981. Seems that the following year, WSU got caught handing out cash payments and and freebie airline tickets. The best part, at the time the penalties were imposed, Wichita State led the NCAA in major infractions. Suck on that, big boys.
6) Oklahoma Football — Major Infractions:7 If you have a program on probation, and you would like to see it stay that way, just hire Barry Switzer. Oklahoma forfeited nine games from the 1972 season because of violations that resulted from the alteration of players’ transcripts; and when Switzer left in 1988, the program was again on probation. Hard to imagine how one gets the the tag of “outlaw program,” considering there was the probation, oh, and a stretch in which there was a shooting and rape in athletic dorm, one player attempted to sell drugs to undercover agent, and another even player robbed Switzer’s home. In his defense, he likely robbed his own coach because he wasn’t in on the gravy train resulting from being paid by personal checks from Switzer, the scalping of game tickets, getting free airline tickets, or the usual money-pump stemming from the usual bidding wars during recruitment.
BONUS – Oklahoma basketball, brought to you by the scumbag formerly known as Kelvin Sampson. Kelvin Sampson, the same guy who later crippled the Indiana basketball program due to unethical recruiting practices, made 550 illegal calls to 17 different recruits, and that’s only what they could prove…but then again, cash is always hard to trace.
5) Texas A&M Football — Major Infractions: 7 They really should name an award for corruption after the old Southwest Conference. Between just SMU and Texas A&M, the SWC could have been the most corrupt entity in the history of college sports. Cheating was compulsory in the SWC during the 1980s; the theory was if you weren’t cheating, you didn’t matter. Hence, this is the reason why the Jackie Sherrill era in College Station was quite successful. It’s also no coincidence the Sherrill era ended in 1988 when Sherrill resigned after the NCAA discovered that assistant coaches and boosters were providing improper benefits to recruits — one was given a sports car and another’s father was offered medical treatment. When a booster was found paying players for “do-nothing” jobs in 1994, A&M was considered for the “Death Penalty” as well.
4 ) Auburn Football — Major Infractions: 7 At least for now, because this doesn’t even include whatever may stem from the Cam Newton situation. Nonetheless, Auburn has a reputation for “kicking one on to the fairway” with not such infrequent occasion. The best was in 1991, when 60 Minutes aired recordings of head football coach Pat Dye arranging a loan for a player. That bought Auburn two-year bowl ban, one-year television-free, and the loss of 13 scholarships over a four-year period.
3) Minnesota Basketball — Major Infractions: 7 This is what happens when your whole program hinges on a low-level clerical worker who decides she wants more money to do everybody’s homework, and you piss her off. For Gopher basketball fans, the name Jan Gangelhoff is forever tied to that of Coach Clem Haskins. Haskins literally had the majority of his career scratched from the books because he thought his players didn’t need to hit theirs. During his stint as Minnesota’s head basketball coach, Clem Haskins oversaw runs to the Elite Eight, Final Four and an NIT Championship. Today, however, only the Elite Eight appearance remains in the NCAA record books, as everything Haskins accomplished from 1993-1994 forward was vacated.
See, the problem is that prior to the Golden Gophers’ appearance in the 1999 NCAA tournament, Gangelhoff ratted out everybody. She sang a song about writing more than 400 papers for numerous basketball players over several years. That proved to be just the tip of the iceberg, Haskins was accused of paying players, persuading professors to inflate players’ grades and ignoring sexual harassment concerns. The NCAA administered massive sanctions, notably docking five scholarships over three seasons and instituting recruiting limitations. The entire athletic department suffered, as the Athletic Director, Associate Athletic Director, Vice President for Student Development and Athletics, and the Academic Counselor were all forced to resign due to the scandal.
The moral of the story – if you are going to cheat, PAY THE HELP! No wonder Gangelhoff rolled over on the whole scheme – for writing over 400 papers, she was paid the heft sum of $3,000 for her work.
2) SMU Football— Major Infractions: 8 Two words – Death Penalty. This is why SMU football is still the poster child for corruption in college sports. You just can’t have a secret fund to pay players; from 1974 to 1985, the school was penalized on five separate occasions. Because SMU was under such intense scrutiny from the NCAA, the powers that be had little choice but to levy the harshest penalty. As a result, the entire 1987 season was canceled, SMU was forced to cancel the 1988 season, 55 scholarships were smoked and the team was permitted to hire just five full-time assistant coaches instead of the regular nine.
1) Arizona State Baseball— Major Infractions: 9. The classic example of the NCAA flexing its muscle on a program that largely doesn’t matter because it isn’t a huge revenue generator. Arizona State is primarily known for its baseball program, which has won five national championships and produced legends such as Reggie Jackson and fittingly, Barry Bonds. Last December, it was penalized for major secondary violations, resulting in three years probation and a one-year ban from the NCAA post-season. The NCAA Division I Committee on Infractions cited the athletic program for improperly recruiting one player and giving improper benefits to several others. In 2005, ASU was given two years probation for a “lack of institutional control” (Have you read that phrase enough in this piece?) and giving illegal financial aid.
Remember the aforementioned “lack of power player?” It’s that lack that makes me cast an eye at the following; if for no other reason that the “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying” rule.
Ohio State – The crap-storm now surrounding the football program and head coach Cheatypants McSweatervest doesn’t surprise me, in fact it validates a long-held belief of mine that Ohio States’ success in so many sports had to be coming at the expense of the NCAA rule book. See the Florida State Entry. Not to mention, guys like Maurice Clarett should be a warning sign.
Duke – I don’t care how much hate mail I get for this, but I’m convinced Mike Krzyzewski is like the church minister who secretly like little boys. He’s got all the respect of the people who could out him, but none of them do because, after all, he is the minister. Besides, he’s also that hypocritical asshole who preaches about character and discipline, then stomps around on the sideline like the biggest petulant shithead out there. Face it, how the hell else does this school now attract the “one and done” talent they now bitch about?
Alabama – I think the following picture speaks for itself.
USC – What’s happening now is just for openers. I would bet money there are skeletons in the Trojan closet we may never know about.
Since it seems the college football world is about to undergo the tectonic shift of conference re-alignment we’ve all been waiting for, it may be time for us here at Dubsism to introduce you to a conference and its members with whom you may not be all that familiar.
When it comes to the Pac-10, everybody has seen USC; after all, it is the only team in the conference folks on the East Coast will stay up past 10 p.m. to see (well, maybe not now since the Trojans are about to get clipped, but that’s another story). While the fan bases of this conference are exceedingly loyal, those fans are going to see teams on their schedules in the near future of which they likely will know absolutely nothing.
Luckily, there is a way to prevent such a tragedy. All sports teams have a personality; we here at Dubsism intend to enlighten those of you possibly dawning a new era by comparing a team which you may know little about to a better-known entity; in this case characters from the popular sit-com “Scrubs.”
University of Southern California – Dr. Kelso
Trojan football has been at the top of the Pac-10 food chain since the dawn of time, and they are going to be there for just as long. See, Sacred Heart Hospital has the policy about retiring administrators at age 65, not the Pac-10.
Even after the NCAA exacts it’s pound of flesh for the whole Reggie Bush fiasco, USC will be around forever, much like Bob Kelso will always be the Chief of Medicine as long as re-runs exist. Like “Beelze-Bob,” USC has been there forever, Cal thinks they are Satan incarnate, and you could envision them getting a “Shanghai Surprise with a Happy Ending” and making you watch.
University of California – Dr. Cox
Nobody talks better than Cal…or Cal fans. Nobody can review the short-comings of everybody else, all while failing to see their own anger-management issues or borderline alcoholism. They’re just smart enough to be sarcastic, and just animated enough to be funny without being obnoxious. However, at the end of the day, they usually still have to deal with Kelso, but every once in a while, this happens.
Arizona State University – The Todd
Why is that in my mind, there was only one choice for a school best represented by a sexual deviant in an “I ♥ Vaginas” t-shirt and banana hammock? Oh yeah, it’s that whole porn star cheerleader thing…
Let’s be honest…Arizona State is a party school; it always has been, and it always will be. But party schools serve just as important a function as do the Harvards of the world, if not more so. You expect things from Harvard grads, but somebody has to matriculate the next purveyor of the “Miracle Five.” After all, do I really care if the guy who saved my life can summarize Proust?
Stanford University– JD
What else can say you about a school whose nickname is the Cardinal, and its mascot is a tree? If there is a rule, it is that your mascot should match your nickname. People in the Bay Area should know this better than after the San Francisco Giants tried to infuse Candlestick Park with some foam-rubber based enthusiasm in the form of, no, not a giant, but a giant crab.
Who the hell else would make the leap between a giant and a crustacean whose main lot in life is to be dunked in melted butter? The same people who would be delusional enough to connect cardinal red with an evergreen tree.
This is why JD represents everything that is Stanford…he’s smart, he’s nerdy, and he has internal monologues that in non-smart people are usually referred to as delusions. While most Stanfordians secretly wish they could be Dr. Cox, more often than not they have this effect. If you don’t believe, the proof is just a click away…
University of California – Los Angeles – Turk
For a while there, between Karl Dorrell’s firing and the rise of Barack Obama, Turk held the title of whitest black man in America, if for no other reason than it’s whiter to be a surgeon that a fat TV guy (yes, Bryant Gumbel, that was aimed at your 275-pound caramel-colored candy ass).
This, amongst other reasons, makes Turk the quintessential black L.A. professional. First of all, none of his friends are black. Think about it; when’s the last time you saw Turk hangin’ wit’ Snoop Dog Resident or Leonard, the hook-handed security guard (well, I give him a pass on that one because, honestly, who wants to hang out with a security guard?)
Second of all, his best friend is white, and he’s proud of that. But for the biggest qualification…Turk is not married to a black woman. We’re still not brave enough in America to let him be married to a white woman on television, but Latinas are A-OK, which is why Carla is Puerto Rican Mexican Illegal Dominican.
University of Arizona – The Janitor
If you’ve ever been in a place like Quartzite, Arizona, you know towns in rural Arizona only have three things:
- 14 recreational-vehicle dealerships
- 5 gas stations
- 300 guys who 100% bat-shit crazy
So, who better to represent the rural residents of Arizona than a guy who seems crazy enough to live in a sheet-metal box in the desert and invent things like the “Knife-wrench?” Let’s face it…the way you get that special kind of crazy is to live in a trailer under a steady stream of intense solar radiation, with enough time to allow the cerebral softening needed to concoct shit like the “Drill-fork.”
And face it, Arizonans…we all know you are cracked, otherwise, you would have never given us Evan Mecham.
University of Oregon – Snoop Dogg Intern Resident Attending
Autzen Stadium has become the epicenter of being black in the Pac-10. The Ducks are usually laden with talent, yet they can’t get any respect. The “man” is always keeping them down; the Dennis Dixon-led team of a few years ago was the first in the conference to enjoy any level of success with a black quarterback since the Rodney Peete-led Trojans. And don’t even get me started on what happened last year when LeGarrette Blount got disrespected.
Sure, Oregon may be one of the whitest states in the union, but the Ducks know how to get their groove on. Sadly, the only team who gets their struggle is Dr. Kelso.
Oregon State University– Ted
Where is the irony in the fact that Oregon State would get the pick as the creepy loser, considering the fact that the team name is the Beavers, and yet these guys couldn’t get near a beaver with an arsenal including 18th-century French-Canadian trappers and a suitcase full of rohypnol?
But, let’s be honest…orange does illicit hostile behavior, even in those forced to wear UCLA blue…
University of Washington – Elliot
Husky football throughout history has been the uptight, hot blond of the Pac-10. They have been competent enough generally to be successful; even finding their way into private practice. They are hot enough to make you want to see them naked, but they somehow find a way to make the experience of de-clothing the easy hot blond less than satisfying. That pretty much makes UW “Purple and Gold” medal winners in “moment killing.” (Aside: note Turk/UCLA’s Neil Diamond impression…yet another log on the “black guy who is really a white guy” bonfire if you ask me, but I digress).
Washington perfects moment killing by being annoying in that special way only really bound-up white chicks can do. College football teams do this by looking like a winning team, then failing to cover the spread EVERY FUCKING TIME you bet on them. In other words, you find yourself at the end of the day asking “Why couldn’t they be married to Dr. Cox?”
Washington State University – Doug
One of the beautiful things about “Scrubs” is that it accurately reflects the social strata of a hospital. The sad truth is that in the medical caste system, there is only one guy who ranks below the security guard; and it takes a trail of corpses to do it.
Enter Doug Murphy. He cowardly hits dead guys with fire extinguishers. He may have killed more people than a CIA agent. He may need to be sealed “airtight” with baby carrots. In fact, much like Doug, Washington State only gets sarcastic “respect” when the upper-classmen of the Pac-10 are making fun.