The Dubsism 2014 NCAA All-”Tractor” Traylor Memorial Team

robert tractor traylor

Raise your hand if you remember Robert “Tractor” Traylor. For those of you whose hands are at their sides, let me refresh you. Traylor was a McDonald’s high-school All-American the same year as Kevin Garnett, Vince Carter and Paul Pierce.  At the University of Michigan, Traylor’s impressive size (6’8″, and north of 300 pounds)  helped lead the Wolverines to the 1997 NIT title and was named the tournament’s MVP. Traylor cemented his status as a big-time big body in his junior year when he averaged 16.2 points and 10 rebounds while leading his team to the inaugural Big Ten Tournament championship.

After his career at Michigan (which ended under some controversy and NCAA sanctions for the Wolverines) Traylor was drafted by the Dallas Mavericks with the sixth overall pick in the 1998 NBA Draft, after which he was promptly traded to the Milwaukee Bucks for one guy you never heard of (Pat Garrity), and one guy you may know (Dirk Nowitzki).  Traylor’s NBA career also included stints with the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Charlotte/New Orleans Hornets, and even a failed trade to the New Jersey Nets. The stat line showed Traylor as a 14.3 minutes, 47% from the field, and 3.7 total rebounds per game.

Traylor’s planet-like girth also carried him tto the world of global hoops; teams like Antalya Kepez Belediyesi in the Turkish league, NSB Napoli in the Italian league, Halcones UV Xalapa in the Mexican league, and Cangrejeros de Santurce and Bayamon Cowboys in Puerto Rican league all got to have 5XL uniforms made to fit the “Tractor.”

Sadly, the “Tractor” passed away in 2011, but the first weekend of this NCAA Basketball Tournament showed us several guys who could easily match up to Traylor’s carriage. The trouble is that all of the guys we found in this yearr’ tournament have already had their “March Madness come to an end.  So, in case you missed them, here are the five starters on our All-”Tractor” Traylor Memorial team.

The Alanis Morrisette-level irony is that as heavy as this team is, it is also not-so-shockingly light on guards.

Continue reading →

Radio J-Dub, Volume 2 – How The Jim Irsay Situation Illustrates America’s Hypocrisy Toward Addiction

Radio JDub itunes header

In today’s episode, J-Dub talks about how Indianapolis Colts’ owner Jim Irsay’s arrest for driving under the influence and possession of a controlled substance has morphed from a story about a man and his demons to a pointed commentary on how America has a huge problem when it comes to addiction and how we as a nation view it.   This podcast was inspired by a piece posted on Sports Blog Movement by J-Dub’s regular collaborator Ryan Meehan.

You can subscribe to and download the podcast here, as well as get information on how to participate when Radio J-Dub is being recorded live. Radio J-Dub can also be found on Itunes.

Radio J-Dub, Volume 1 – NFL Free Agency and the Phil Jackson Saga

Radio JDub itunes header

We here at Dubsism are excited to bring you a new feature, an audio podcast to go along with the series of video podcast we produce.  In the inaugural episode, J-Dub talks about how NFL free agency is like having a girlfriend who is jet-screaming hot, but is also bat-shit crazy. He also puts to rest some misconceptions about the Phil Jackson as president of the New York Knicks saga, and lays out a reason you’ll never get from the dick-tards at ESPN about why a Jackson return to the Los Angeles Lakers is all but impossible.

You can subscribe to and download the podcast here, as well as get information on how to participate live when Radio J-Dub is being recorded live.

The Dubsism 2014 NCAA Basketball Tournament Bracket Challenge – Light Fuse and Stand Back

brackets

The day after Selection Sunday is historically the best for my brackets; it’s the one day there’s still hope.  Sometime between now and the end of the weekend, the hopes for my brackets have generally disappeared faster than a Malaysian airliner.  That’s precisely why this post comes with a disclaimer. It’s really not a question of whether you should stand back; it’s a matter of how far way you need to be avoid sucking in fatal amounts of smoldering wreckage when my bracket eventually collapses on itself.  That’s why I have provided you with the following Civil Defense chart, as the force of my collapsing bracket has been estimated by some serious science-type guys to be roughly that of a 1960′s era nuclear weapon.

blast radius

So, now that you’ve seen that, this is the part where I tell you (on the advice of my serious legal-type  guy) that you read further solely at your own risk.  So, while you putting on your helmet and goggles, putting batteries in your Geiger counter, and hoarding canned goods and beef jerky, I’ll break down a very breakable bracket.

Continue reading →

The NFL Has Become the Bullshit Penalty League – How Long Before They Get Sued Over Bad Calls?

nfl bullshit league

By J-Dub and Meehan

The NFL once was the ultimate gridiron struggle, but in recent years it’s become more of a contest to see who can get the zebras to give them the biggest advantage. We’ve all seen the offense line-up on 4th-and-short with no intention of snapping the football; rather it’s all about which yardbarker can draw the opposition offsides.  We’ve all seen the receiver who rather than making a play for the ball decides to mug for the cameras and the referees, begging for a penalty. The sad, but simple fact is that the NFL is now all about penalties, and pretty much everything about penalties is bullshit.

Watching penalties in the NFL is a lot like getting a speeding ticket when you’re in the middle of having a great day.  You have legitimate reasons for enjoying yourself, but some assbag with a badge has to yank you to the side of the road because you’re going 33 in a 30.  It’s not you were blatantly breaking the law; you didn’t blow through a school cross-walk at 85 mph and turn some kid into a hood ornament.  You were just jamming out to Rush’s “2112″ and trying to mind your own goddamned business; but you ran into Officer RadarGun who has a quota to meet and his wife refused to give him blowjob before he left the house that morning, so he’s going to ass-rape you instead.

In the NFL, Officer RadarGun is personified by the likes of zebras such as Ed Hochuli, Gene Steratore, and that black guy whose name we can’t remember.  The difference here is that in the case of the NFL, the bullshit nature of the enforcement of the rules isn’t the fault of nit-picky enforcers incentivized by straight-up quotas.  Think about how the NFL would look like if it referees were expected to call at least 6 holding holding penalties per game.

As ridiculous as that sounds, the NFL is really all about finding ways for the refs to employ some form of game-stoppage strategy.  If you doubt that, stop to consider all the ways a referee can stop a football game colder Hilary Clinton taking a cryogenic sitz bath.  But rather than dwell on that, we are here to look at penalties and the three reasons why most of the calls made in the NFL today are complete bullshit; the reason behind the calls, and the shit that comes from the people against whom the calls go.

To Continue Reading, Click Here…

The Definitive Sports Blog Movement Olympic Hockey Preview

Originally posted on Sports Blog Movement:

hanson brothers

By J-Dub and JSportsFan

As we said in our Practical Rundown of Every Winter Olympic Event, hockey is the only sport even more synonymous with Canada than curling. Hockey really is the only reason to watch the Winter Olympics, other than the non-jailbait hot chicks in curling. Hockey is the purest example of a sport in the Winter Olympics, and not just because it passes J-Dubs’ test for what is and isn’t a sport. Hockey is not only one of the four major-league American sports, it is also a world sport as well.  That’s important because it’s status as a world sport means it isn’t something that we Americans forced down the Olympic committee’s throat, like all that snowboarding bullshit.

Having said that, we here at Sports Blog Movement are out to give you a heads up on this world version of hockey; you will see a lot…

View original 3,640 more words

The Sochi Winter Olympics Are Another Perfect Example Of American Hypocrisy

sochi police arresting protestors

Now that the Sochi Winter Olympics are upon us, I’ve noticed lately that the bleating of the “politically correct” police over Russia’s laws banning the advocacy of homosexuality has died off.  A couple of months ago, you couldn’t turn on you television without hearing how the Winter Olympics in Sochi are going to be a bust because the west simply won’t tolerate such archaic thinking.  Granted, the Russians have been doing a masterful job of shooting themselves in both feet, but to say the Olympic Games will be a bust because of intolerance is a ridiculous statement.

At first glance, having a bunch of athletes claiming to be humanitarians is almost laughable on its face, not because nobody takes them seriously (which you know we really don’t), because they won’t put their money where their mouths are. I thought it was absolutely hilarious when U.S. Alpine Skier Bode Miller made a thinly-veiled threat about the Olympics.

Continue reading →

A Practical Rundown of Every Winter Olympic Event

Originally posted on Sports Blog Movement:

mario sonic winter olympics

By J-Dub and Meehan

Now that we find ourselves at the start of the 30th Olympiad, it is time for us to perform another public service by giving you a quick rundown on things you need to know about each event of the Winter Olympic Games. Let’s be honest, this is where you can learn a lot more about the Olympics than those moulyaks at NBC are going to tell you.

Alpine Skiing:

alpine skiiingThere’s two main disciplines here. Going down a mountain at freeway speeds (downhill), and going down a mountain at freeway speed while letting a bunch of flags bust you in the face (slalom). If we need to explain why travelling 85 miles per hour on what’s basically ice which slopes downward steeper than Obama’s approval ratings can end in massive hilarity, you’re not going to get the joke that this sentence could have…

View original 4,175 more words

Perhaps Peyton Manning Could Use The Heimlich Maneuver UPDATED

peyton-manning-choke

Honestly, this is just an update of some interesting numbers from a piece I wrote last year concerning Peyton Manning’s proclivity for gagging in big games.

  • FACT: In three years at Tennessee, Peyton Manning never beat main rival Florida.
  • FACT: Peyton Manning now owns a 11-12 playoff record as a starting quarterback.
  • FACT: In 8 of Manning’s 13 career playoff appearances, his team has failed to win a single game.
  • FACT: Peyton Manning is 0-4 in playoff games in temperatures below 40 degrees.
  • FACT: Manning is now has the most playoff losses by a starting quarterback in NFL history.

With all the talk about Manning’s legacy, you simply cannot gloss over his post-season failures.

The Best Thing About The Seahawks Super Bowl Win: Somebody Finally Calls Out Cris Carter

Doug Baldwin has heard enough of your bullshit, Cris Carter.

Doug Baldwin has heard enough of your bullshit, Cris Carter.

Hindsight being what it is, there a whole lot of football commentators who have a giant shitburger to eat this morning.  For purposes of full disclosure, I did not see such a complete dismantling of the Broncos as the outcome of Super Bowl XLVIII.  But I did see a Seahawks victory being entirely possible. There were lots of media types out there who did not, and some of them were downright dismissive of the NFC Champion.

It was pretty obvious last night that the Seahawks were out to prove something to the nay-sayers. Perhaps you don’t believe that. Perhaps you think last night’s manhandling of the Denver Broncos was just a function of another Peyton Manning big-game fold.  The post-game comments made by Seattle wide receiver Doug Baldwin blew that illusion out of the water.

Baldwin was just one of the Seahawks to come into the Super Bowl with a chip on his shoulder.  Baldwin had a major beef with ESPN blow-hack Cris Carter because he had said the Seahawks receivers “were appetizers because the team lacked a main course.” This led to a tasty post-game call-out of Carter; when someone asked Baldwin what he had to say about the criticism now that he was Super Bowl champion, the receiver didn’t pull punches. From the Everett Herald:

“OK, y’all listen to me loud and clear,” he said. “Y’all listening? Y’all hear me? For all y’all who called us, the receiving corps, average, pedestrian, appetizers—I’m not going to say any names, but he knows who he is—I respect what you did on the field, but stick to playing football, because your analytical skills ain’t up to par yet. You need to slow down and go back and not do it half-assed and put some effort into it, because you’re saying some stuff that didn’t really make sense.”

“That dude who said that we were appetizers, he told me to Google him, and I did Google him, but I didn’t see any Super Bowl appearances, and I also saw two losses in conference championships. I have a Super Bowl ring, and I would gladly show that to him. And if he doesn’t have time to come see it, tell him he can Google it.”

While Baldwin never let Carter’s name come out of his mouth, it was pretty obvious who he was talking about, especially when he referenced Carter’s lack of a Super Bowl ring. To be fair, there no law that says you have to have won a Championship to be a commentator, but Cris Carter is the last guy who should be talking about being an appetizer. I’m on record as saying he is underserving of his Hall-of-Fame status; largely because Carter defined a guy who was an “appetizer.” Sure, Carter never won a ring, but he also never was a “main course.”  In other words, Carter was a classic “possession” receiver, who is calling out other guys for being “possession” receivers.

Carter’s biggest problem is that he really believes he is one of the all-time greats, when is really isn’t.  The game has changed in the past thirty years, but we are determining greatness based on some old standards. Just because Cris Carter is 4th all-time in career receptions doesn’t make him the 4th best receiver of all-time; it means he played in a era when the forward pass was used far more than in previous eras. That false belief in his mind gives him license to sit on ESPN and say some of the stupidest whit ever heard, which is an accomplishment considering some of the electronic sewage that comes out of Bristol.

Regardless of what you think of Cris Carter, the most joyous thing to come out of the Super Bowl was the fact that somebody finally called out Carter on his bullshit. It’s been long overdue.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 122 other followers