Radio J-Dub, Volume 1 – NFL Free Agency and the Phil Jackson Saga

17 03 2014

Radio JDub itunes header

We here at Dubsism are excited to bring you a new feature, an audio podcast to go along with the series of video podcast we produce.  In the inaugural episode, J-Dub talks about how NFL free agency is like having a girlfriend who is jet-screaming hot, but is also bat-shit crazy. He also puts to rest some misconceptions about the Phil Jackson as president of the New York Knicks saga, and lays out a reason you’ll never get from the dick-tards at ESPN about why a Jackson return to the Los Angeles Lakers is all but impossible.

You can subscribe to and download the podcast here, as well as get information on how to participate live when Radio J-Dub is being recorded live.





The Fifth Annual Dubsy Awards

9 01 2014

heisman guy

Every January since this blog was created, we here at Dubsism have given an award for achievements during the previous year in some under-recognized categories in the world of sports. In prior years, the nominations for the awards were done exclusively by an internal committee, but we’ve had so much success allowing nominations from the general public that we had no choice but to continue that. .

Between our committee and our valued readers, we had more quality nominations than we could ever possibly use.  Thank you so much for that. When we received an outstanding nomination that proved to be a winner, we made sure to recognize those who submitted it. However, we did also receive nominations on multiple ballots that proved to be winners. If you see a winner that you nominated, and you weren’t credited, just know that you weren’t the only one who had the same idea.

With that, and after careful consideration, here are the winners of the Fifth Amnnual Dubsy awards.

Read the rest of this entry »





Dubsism: One Million Site Views Later…

16 11 2013

one million Yes, you read that right. Dubsism has just passed one million site views. I never would have imagined getting that much attention for what was really supposed to be just an outlet for my sports rants. Originally, I put those rants into a blog because I was pretty sure nobody wanted to hear them. After all, the very first post on this blog was four years ago when I still lived in Minnesota, and I just couldn’t take the ridiculousness of the day the Vikings signed Brett Favre.

Many of the early electronic screeds on Dubsism remained on that very topic; I took it upon myself to warn Viking fans that the Favre thing would never end well for them, and as much as they didn’t want to hear it, they now have no choice bu to admit I was right.  It’s all there in electronic black and white. Since then, Dubsism has grown into much more than just reminding Minnesota of their inevitable football futility. Dubsism is the only place where you can get bizarre, yet incredibly relevant comparisons between sports and real life. Dubsism has also developed several other feature series, such as Signs We Are Near The End of Civilization, Teams/People Who Grind My Gears, and the Guest Columns, featuring such luminaries as legendary movie sports general manager Joe McGrath, television detective Jim Rockford, and King George VI. But the most important guest columnist on Dubsism has been Ryan Meehan, largely because it is the collaborations that I’ve done with him that led to the best blogging project I’ve had the pleasure to be involved with, Sports Blog Movement.

In any event, whether it is here on Dubsism or on SBM, it is humbling to know that there are people out there willing to take the time to read our work, and I thank you all for that.

Here’s looking forward to the next million…





Did Anybody Happen To Notice Jim Irsay Was Right? P.S. Tony Dungy Has His Head Up His Ass

16 10 2013

jim irsay

For all the media-generated bluster that has happened today over Indianapolis Colts’ owner Jim Irsay’s comments about his former quarterback, one thing that has bee largely forgotten is that everything Irsay said is true.  In case you missed it, here’s what he said in an interview with USA Today Sports. The context is Irsay is lamenting the fact the Colts had only one title to show for all their success with Peyton Manning.

“[Tom] Brady never had consistent numbers, but he has three of these [Super Bowl rings],” Irsay told USA Today. Pittsburgh had two, the Giants had two, Baltimore had two and we had one. That leaves you frustrated. You make the playoffs 11 times, and you’re out in the first round seven out of 11 times. You love to have the ‘Star Wars’ numbers from Peyton and Marvin [Harrison] and Reggie [Wayne]. Mostly, you love this ring.”

So, what Irsay is saying is a) the NFL is all about winning Super Bowls, and b) Peyton Manning is a horse-shit “big-game” quarterback.

Don’t even try to tell me that the first one isn’t true. Winning a Super Bowl is like becoming a Yokozuna in Sumo Wrestling. Once you have the ring, you are always a grand champion and no matter what, they can never take it away from you. The fact that Tony Dungy has one is the only reason anybody bothers to listen to the crap spewing from that little bat-faced, moralizing asswipe. I’ll come back to him in a minute.

You can try to deny the second point is untrue; doing so is to ignore a few crushing facts.

  • FACT: In three years at Tennessee, Peyton Manning never beat main rival Florida.
  • FACT: Peyton Manning owns a 9-11 playoff record as a starting quarterback.
  • FACT: In 8 of Manning’s 12 career playoff appearances, his team has failed to win a single game.
  • FACT: Manning is tied with Brett Favre for the most playoff losses by a starting quarterback in NFL history

Read the rest of this entry »





Why Don’t Americans Care About The America’s Cup?

27 09 2013

Americas Cup

On Wednesday, San Francisco Bay saw what may be the greatest comeback in the history of sports in a contest for what is the oldest trophy in the history of competitive sports.  No, we aren’t talking about Game 7 in a Stanley Cup Final or a World Series. Wednesday, the American’s mounted a most improbable comeback from an 8 race to 1 deficit against the challengers from New Zealand to keep the America’s Cup where it belongs…in America.

The cup was originally known as the Auld Mug and it was originally awarded 1851 by the British Royal Yacht Squadron as the trophy for winning a for a race around the Isle of Wight. This first race was won by the schooner America, at which time the cup was renamed in honor of the winning craft. The cup was then donated New York Yacht Club (NYYC) under the terms of the “Deed of Gift,” which made the Cup available for perpetual international competition. The Cup was held by the NYYC from 1857, when the syndicate that won the Cup donated it to the club, until 1983 when the Cup was won by the yacht Australia II of the Royal Perth Yacht Club,

Stop and think about that for a minute. From 1851 to 1983 represents a span of 132 years, which is easily the longest winning streak in the history of sports ever.  First, think about how old the America’s Cup is. The America’s Cup predates the first professional baseball team by 18 years, Lord Stanley’s Cup by 40 years, and the National Football League by 70.  The challenge for the Cup has always been an open competition; any yacht club that meets the requirements specified in the Deed of Gift has the right to challenge the yacht club that holds the Cup. If the challenging club wins the match, it gains stewardship of the cup.

There has only ever been one change to the way the stewardship of the Cup is challenged. From the first defense of the Cup in 1870 through the twentieth in 1967, there was always only one challenger.  Beginning with the twenty-first defense in 1970, there were multiple challengers.  At this time, the challengers were matched in what was essentially a “play-off” series of races now known as the Louis Vuitton Cup.  The purpose of these races was to determine the one yacht club that would have the opportunity to wrest the cup away from the previous winner.

By now, you have to be wondering why the fuck am I telling you all of this.  Because I honestly don’t understand why nobody in this country gives a shit about this event. Face it, it’s got everything Americans love.

Read the rest of this entry »





What We Know Now: Bo Pelini Must Be a Big Lee Elia Fan

18 09 2013

What We Know Now

Nebraska head coach Bo Pelini is fiery sort go guy. That’s not really a surprising characteristic for a football coach. It also seems that he may be a colossal dick, which again, isn’t exactly virgin territory for these guys. But it seems that Pelini crossed the Lee Elia line by having a profanity-filled tirade directed largely at the fans.

For those of you who don’t recall, Lee Elia was the manager of the Chicago Cubs in 1983, and he found himself with a typically shitty Cubs team. One day during that fetid summer, Elia was goaded into a obscenity filled tirade about the Cubs’ fanbase. While it may not have been the reason Elia was out of a job (a 54-69 record at the time the axe fell couldn’t have helped), the “Tirade” certainly helped see Elia cleaning out his office by the end of the season.

Flash the clock forward to 2011. The Nebrasks Cornhuskers have just scored a huge comeback win against Ohio State. The problem was that a big chunk of the fans had left before the comeback, which led head coach Bo Pelini having a very Elia-esque moment which was brought to light this week by the good people at Deadspin.

This is fun. Here we have an audiotape of Nebraska football coach Bo Pelini flipping his shit about both the media and the Cornhuskers’ fans after a 2011 game. Why are we getting this now? Well, our tipster was particularly exercised by Nebraska’s flameout against UCLA on Saturday, which has led to some awkwardness in Huskerdom. In the 2011 audio, Pelini says the word “fuck” a lot. He seems to have no idea he was being recorded.

Our tipster says the recording was made on Oct. 8, 2011, just after Nebraska had come back from three touchdowns down to beat Ohio State in Lincoln. He or she only recently had come into possession of this audio before sending it our way. It was recorded moments before Pelini did his postgame radio interview with Greg Sharpe of the Husker Sports Network. Pelini sounded anything but relieved by the big victory.

In the recording, Pelini is talking to Sharpe and to a woman whose identity we’ve been unable to determine. Pelini initially seems upset with an unknown person who works at the Omaha World-Herald, whom he calls “a piece of shit.”

So, after you take in all that has happened, it is time for us to boil all the media bullshit off this story and get us back to the hard facts we all know are present here.

Read the rest of this entry »





The Riley Cooper Situation: Yet Another Exercise in the Exploitation of Racism for Profit

4 08 2013

espn klansman

Last week, steroids were the worst thing to ever happen in the history of the sports world.  Trust me, there was absolutely no hyperbole spewing from the mouths of the sports media gasbags when they were saying this. Never mind there were sandwiching the steroid conversation with talk about a guy who may have killed at least one person. Let’s be honest, it is common knowledge in the sports media world that steroids are definitely worse than murder. The disproportionate amount of coverage given to these topics bears that out.

That was until Philadelphia Eagles’ wide receiver Riley Cooper got caught on video saying the word “nigger.” In one fell swoop, racism became the worst thing ever in the history of the sports world.  It was worse than killing somebody, It was worse than the systematic use of illegal drugs. That’s right, a single word became the worst thing in the history of the sports world, and I have  a one-word answer for that.

Bullshit.

Forget about the ridiculousness inherent in a bunch of reporters blowing a story completely out of proportion; they do that anyway, so it all evens out. Forget about the idea that the systematic use of performance-enhancing drugs has become as issue that threatens to mess up the integrity of just about every sport out there (Has anybody been caught juicing in curling yet?) Forget about the idea that anybody is supposed to believe that the utterance of a single word is worse than that shooting somebody in the back of the head.  I’m not even going to get into the utter hypocrisy that if a white guys says “nigger,” he’s instantly somewhere between Adolf Hitler and the guy who changed the formula for Coca-Cola, and a black guy can say it with impunity (such as me exactly 24 words ago). Hell, Stephen A. Smith probably has “nigger” printed on his business card.

Read the rest of this entry »





Three Crucial Facts About The Aaron Hernandez Situation ESPN Is Conveniently Ignoring

11 07 2013

espn sucks

If you are a sports fan, you likely watch a lot of ESPN. Unless you spent the last three weeks at your time share on the dark side of the moon, you are nauseatingly aware of the situation embroiling former New England Patriot and current murder suspect Aaron Hernandez. But in the avalanche of the coverage the World Wide Bottom Feeder, there’s some really important stuff the blow-dries in Bristol would prefer you didn’t know. Of course, that is exactly why we here at Dubsism are pointing them out.

1) The only person at fault for what is happening to Aaron Hernandez is Aaron Hernandez

To understand this, you must realize that ESPN is in the business of idealizing athletes, which means nothing can ever be an athlete’s fault.  Since ESPN became a cash cow by filling SportsCenter with highlights, the focus of those highlights have to stay as squeaky-clean as possible. Of course, anybody with better than 20/6,000,000 vision and a reasonably functional cerebral cortex knows that’s a pantload of the first order.  That’s also happens to be the exact reason why there are millions of sports fans who lap up the swill ESPN puts out. That’s also why the omni-directional sludge pump known as ESPN has been floating the idea that somehow the fact Aaron Hernandez is footballs-deep in a murder investigation is the fault of everybody but Hernandez.

First, this was somehow Bill Belichick’s fault for drafting a guy the Patriots knew had a rail-car full of baggage coming out of the University of Florida. The fact that Hernandez was thug-a-licious all the way back clearly isn’t the fault of Emperor Palp-a-chick. But, right after they tossed that story out there, ESPN realized they’ve been sucking up to Belichick and the Patriots for the better part of the last decade.  Then they figured out that convincing America that Bill Belichick was right up there with the guy driving the white Bronco was bad for business. It was at that moment they realized they need to find another scapegoat.  Now, that isn’t to say that the Patriots (and specifically owner Robert Kraft) aren’t completely full of shit in the way they’ve handled this, but I will get back to that.

Emperor Palp-a-chick: Responsible for blowing the shit out of Alderaan, but Aaron Hernandez is not his fault.

Emperor Palp-a-chick: Responsible for blowing the shit out of Alderaan, but Aaron Hernandez is not his fault.

 

The next stop on the scapegoat train was former Florida coach Urban Meyer. Sure, the Gator coaching staff knew he had a track record. Sure, they knew about plenty of incidents while he was at Florida. So what? Let’s cut through he crap here.  Football coaches aren’t in the business of being parole officers, social workers, or nannies. They are in the business of winning football games. There’s a precise term to define football coaches who don’t win games. It’s called “fired.”

The same applies to Belichick. Football is a “what have you done for me lately” world, which means that coaches will recruit, sign, and play Lucifer himself if he can bring wins. You don’t want to admit that, but it’s true. In other words, both Belichick and Meyer knew what they had on their hands – a guy who could help them win football games. Everything wasn’t there problem, because there is just one rule in big-time college football and the NFL. In the immortal rules of Al Davis, “Just Win, Baby.”

There’s a reason for that. The very same fan who is right now contemplating his comment to me about that “athletes are role models” bullshit is the same guy who calls sports radio shows bitching about his team’s coach. The math works like this. Football coaches are under pressure to win, and that pressure comes from fans who are every bit as tolerant of bad behavior as long as they think the bad guy is good with a football.  The minute Cam Newton threw for 4,000 yards in the NFL, everybody forgot about his sordid past. O.J. Simpson had a track record of bad behavior all the way back to his community college days in San Francisco.  So, before anybody starts shifting the blame for Aaron Hernandez away from Aaron Hernandez, they may want to take a look in the mirror.  It’s only a logical extension once you say Hernandez is the result of the action of another individual to then say the actions of those other individuals are the result of the pressure to when exerted by the fans.

Not to mention, if ESPN is reticent to blame the athletes they glorify, there sure as shit aren’t going to blame the viewers they need to stay in business.

2) Aaron Hernandez is not the only bad guy in the sporting world right now

aaron hernandez wide receiver

I could run the list of bad guys in sports today from here to the end of the interwebz, but because murder is sensational, and because Hernandez happens to have been associated with one of the flagship franchises in the NFL, this will undoubtedly be one the stories which will consume the sports world for the foreseeable future. But there are all sorts of other stories out there that simply don’t get the coverage. We’ve already forgotten about the Jovan Belcher tragedy in Kansas City, and right now I would bet that 75% of you can’t tell me who Ausar Walcott is.   In fact, did you know that 27 NFL players have been arrested since the Super Bowl?

The example which ties this point perfectly with the first one is Ray Lewis. No only were there a ton of football fans who have forgotten Lewis’ involvement in a double-homicide, many of them completely ignored it because Ray delivered on the field.  That’s why ESPN hired Lewis, because they know those same fans will tune in football fans together .

To be fair, this isn’t happening only in the NFL.  Police blotters are full of college athletes, NBA players, and NHL players. Even today, the news came out the a pitcher for the San Francisco Giants not named Cain or Lincecum was arrested for allegedly being a drunken pervert.  But since he’s not a marquee name. and since he doesn’t pitch for the Yankees or the Red Yankees Red Sox, you haven’t seen his name anywhere other than a slight blurb on ESPN’s crawl.

The point here is we love to be selective with our moral outrage. You can use all the steroids you want, unless you play baseball, in which case you are the moral equivalent of a Nazi cannibal.  Being a cheat,  a liar, and a thief  is perfectly acceptable as you are a politician with the correct affiliation, and you can literally get away with murder if you are a star athlete with a dubious story you can sell to an even more dubious jury.  If you doubt that,  don’t forget that all it takes to screw the entire judicial system is one misguided Patriots’ who simply will not vote to convict regardless of the evidence presented.

3) The fertilizer value of Robert Kraft’s “We Were Duped” story could end world hunger as we know it

Col. Nathan Jessup knows what Robert Kraft can't handle.

Col. Nathan Jessup knows what Robert Kraft can’t handle.

Yeah, I can see it now…another round of attacks coming from the “Tommy Boy and Sully” Patriots fan crowd because I have dared to besmirch the name of Saint Bob. Bring it on. If you can’t handle the truth about Saint Bob, stop reading right now, tune in Boston sports radio and wait for the latest “let’s all blow Bob-fest,” which I think they are currently running about every two hours or so.

I first pointed this out the other day about the bovine scatology kn own as the “Patriot Way.”

It’s really hard to ignore the fact that if the “Patriot Way” wasn’t just a bunch of lip service, guys like Aaron Hernandez would have never worn the Patriot uniform in the first place.  I love the fact that I-285 likens the “Patriot Way” to an “Al Davis mantra,” because it really means “Just Win, Baby.”  The fact this all comes down to sloganeering is yet another example of how this is really all about image.

Consider that Kraft whole approach to marketing the image of his team died right about the same time Odin Lloyd did. That’s why Kraft’s most recent comments are beyond laughable.

Two days after returning from a vacation in Europe and Israel, Patriots owner Robert Kraft finally broke his silence Monday about Aaron Hernandez’s arrest on a murder charge and subsequent release from the team.

“No one in our organization was aware of any of these kind of connections. If it’s true, I’m just shocked,” Kraft said in his office at Gillette Stadium. “Our whole organization has been duped.”

Kraft, who has owned the Patriots since 1994, said he was “limited” in what he could discuss because of “an ongoing criminal investigation, as well as other potential civil proceedings,” yet spoke to reporters despite being advised not to by his attorneys. It is unclear if the family of Odin Lloyd, the victim in Hernandez’s murder case, will attempt to sue the Patriots.

But Kraft said it “is important that our fan base hear directly from our organization.” Kraft said the team knew Hernandez was “immature,” but didn’t think his off-field activities ever would lead to a murder charge.

So, let’s break that down. Kraft is smart for not wanting to say anything that could fuel a civil case against the Patriots, but the fact he is concerned about that means he knows there is a potential problem here. I’m not a lawyer, and I’m certainly not going to get into what it takes to get sued in this country, but I will say this. You know damn good and well Saint Bob got the word of several lawyers before he said a public word on this matter. If you doubt that, consider the following.

In fact, the Patriots were willing to draft Hernandez because they believed he had owned up to his past. Kraft disclosed a letter Monday that Hernandez sent to the Patriots on April 16, 2010, six days before the NFL draft.

In the letter, addressed to Patriots player personnel director Nick Caserio and written with help from Hernandez’s agents at Athletes First, Hernandez admitted to recreational drug use while at the University of Florida and said he would “willfully” submit to biweekly drug testing during his rookie season if the Patriots were willing to draft him. Hernandez also offered to make a monetary atonement stemming from his $200,000 rookie signing bonus for any failed drug test.

“In addition, I will tie any guaranteed portion of my 2010 compensation to these drug tests and reimburse the team a pro-rata amount for any failed drug test,” Hernandez wrote.

Right there, Kraft’s “Duped” story starts taking on water. I understand this letter only focuses on Hernandez’ alleged history of drug use, but think about it for a minute. If you are the Patriots, and you are considering drafting this player who has a trail of stuff behind him a mile long, and he’s already tacitly admitting there’s credence to the drug concerns, wouldn’t you do a bit of homework on him before you drafted and gave him multiple millions of dollars? Of course you would.

So, when Kraft uses the term “duped,” he is saying one of two things. Either the Patriots simply took Hernandez at his word and ignored everything else, or they simply didn’t do the homework on this guy.  If they chose to turn a blind eye to everything other than the drug concerns, then there is no where they can claim they were “duped.” If they didn’t bother to do the due diligence, the can’t claim they were “duped.” Ane they did take the effort to check out Hernandez’ background, they surely didn’t do a very good job of it.  In any event, Kraft and the Patriots were not “duped.” They either knew what they were getting and didn’t care, or they didn’t bother to find out.

A Patriots spokesman said he could not say whether the team took Hernandez up on his offer. Most NFL players are drug tested twice per year — once between August and April, and again between April and August — but the Globe reported in 2010 that Hernandez would face additional testing from the league because of marijuana issues he had at Florida.

Several media outlets, including the Globe, have reported that Hernandez failed multiple drug tests during his three seasons at Florida. But before the 2010 draft, Hernandez told teams he had failed just one, and a Florida spokesman told the Globe Monday that “we do not dispute his claims in this regard.”

Kraft said the Patriots felt comfortable drafting Hernandez in the fourth round after receiving this letter, and did not believe he had any other major off-field issues.

“Here’s a guy writing a letter, taking responsibility,” Kraft said. “The only thing I ever heard on Aaron Hernandez was he was very young, immature, and potentially had problems presented in this letter. Never saw signs of anything else.”

Again, there is no way the Patriots can claim they didn’t know about the marijuana issues. But this isn’t about some sort of “marijuana, the killer weed that makes people kill people;” this is about why would you take action on a tacit admission of one set of concerns and ignore the others? All of the stuff coming out of Florida subsequent to Hernandez’ arrest in Massachsetts was all pretty easy stuff for an investigation to find. Police reports can be obtained, court proceedings are public record, and good, old-fashioned knocking on doors and asking a few questions would have dug up a lot of this stuff.  It begs the question why that never happened?

Kraft said all he knew about Hernandez is what happened inside the practice facility at Gillette Stadium, and that for three years Hernandez was a model football player. He noted that coach Bill Belichick said that Hernandez had the best training camp of any Patriots player last August, after Hernandez had signed his contract extension.

The fact that Kraft is sticking to “I didn’t know anything” after his statements about playing it all close to the vest because of current and possible legal entanglements are a complete contradiction. If he really doesn’t know anything, then say that and move on. But to say, I don’t know anything, but I can’t comment,” raises red flags, and deservedly so.

“I only know what goes on inside this building. We don’t put private eyes on people,” Kraft said. “When he was in this building, I was never exposed to anything where he was not positive. He was always polite, respectful. Kraft didn’t say whether the team will be less willing in the future to take on players with character risks, but “you can be sure we’ll be looking at our procedures and auditing how we do things.”

Forget about “private eyes.” It wouldn’t have taken Jim Rockford to bird-dog this guy, especially in light of how quickly this stuff surfaced after Hernandez was arrested. But at least we now know which route the Patriots took; they weren’t “duped,” they didn’t do their homework despite the fact they had every reason to do so. They seemingly didn’t even do the same background check one would be subject to trying to get a job at Wal-Mart.

Kraft certainly wishes he had done more research on Hernandez’s off-field activities before giving him the extension last August, but he felt at the time that signing Hernandez to a long-term deal was the best move for the team. Hernandez’s rookie contract was supposed to run through the 2013 season, and the Patriots felt like they could get better value if they had signed him to a long-term deal before he reached free agency.

“If you let the best players go to free agency or get to the last year, you usually pay more,” Kraft said. “It was a business decision. We were paying for performance. He was undervalued his first two years, then we wanted to get him in range.”

Just what performance were they paying for? Take a look at Hernandez’ stats over the past three seasons: He’s only played in 29 of 38 possible games, which means he misses about one game in four. So his durability is questionable. On average, he’s worth about 56 catches a year for about 650 yard and right around 6 touchdowns. Is that really worth 5 years and $37.5 million?

That’s why I think there’s more to this. In a previous piece, I mentioned that “the Patriot Way” was all about image, and I really believe that Robert Kraft so wanted to be seen a s a guy who can rehabilitate wayward youth that he was using Hernandez as a show pony. That’s why the decision was made so quickly, and the efforts to sever the ties were so demonstrable. The Aaron Hernandez story meant more to Robert Kraft than simply having a player get into trouble.

What it all boils down to for Saint Bob is this. You can tell me you didn’t do your homework. You can tell me you saw something in Hernandez that wasn’t there. You can even tell me that you wanted to use the “rehabilitated Hernandez” story as a feather in your tri-cornered Patriot hat.

But don’t tell me you were “duped.”

 





Signs We Are Near The End Of Civilization: Major League Eating Exists

4 07 2013

End of World Sign

So, here I am channel-surfing on July 4th, the birthday of the greatest nation on earth, and what do I see? An unmistakable sign that the future of this country is a dark and barbarous place that hopefully I won’t live to see. In a country which already has a rampant obesity problem, we are celebrating a national holiday by watching a bunch of guys attempt to eat their weight in hot dogs.

Think about that for a minute.

First of all, aren’t we as a nation fucking fat enough? Just for purposes of full disclosure, I’m part of that problem. I will admit that I am a middle-aged guy who is bigger around the middle than he should be, but there was a day when I decided that needed to change. Over the last couple of years, I’ve made it a point to make sure there is 40 pounds less of me. Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t going to be one of those preachy-ass “mommy blogs” about how I’m only feeding my family quinoa and organic soybeans. Fuck that noise. As a matter of fact, the really ironic part is as I’m writing a blog pointing out the completely fucked-up nature of a hot-dog eating contest, Mrs. Dubsism is grilling bratwursts for lunch.

Yes, this really exists.

Yes, this really exists.

That’s right. Despite my objection to this bacchanalian orgy of cylindrical meat, I too love a collection of meat-like substances loaded with nitrates and shoved into a tube. Why? Because I’m a goddamn American, that’s why. I don’t give a shit what kind of animal it was; if you grind it, spice it, and shove it in a casing, I’m there. But you know what? When you start sweating pork grease and your pulse becomes more erratic than the drummer in a high-school garage  band, it is time to dial it back.

Seriously, just go to any supermarket in America and see how many people you see who are roughly the size of a Ford F-150. Look at how many people you see who are so fucking fat they get winded driving their motorized shopping cart. I saw a guy the other day who was so corpulent he needed to use elastic bandages to keep the skin on his legs from exploding. Then look at the shit they buy.  Better yet, look at how they buy it.

One of the things that drives me absolutely fucking crazy is when I have to listen to this bullshit about “hungry” people in this country. This country is floating on food, and the fact that we’ve made eating a sport only proves that. Doubt that? When you are at the supermarket counting the truck-sized people, make a note of how full of food those giant buildings are. Then note how many trucks there are behind it bringing even more food. Then, to top it off,  make note of how many of those human beachballs are filling their motorized shopping carts with absolute shit, then paying for it with some sort of welfare.  Add it all up, and it becomes clear that we don’t have a hunger problem in this country, we have an epidemic of bad decision-making.

Yeah, I know right now, some bleeding-heart asshole out there is getting ready to tell me all about malnutrition in America and claim some wholly unprovable statistic. Not too long ago, I saw such a bit on a local news program, and every single one of the people they claimed were “suffering from hunger” and depended on a food bank all weighed at least 300 pounds.  Besides, you can always buy a giant bag of potatoes for four bucks.

Who knew the solution to world hunger would be a Wii game?

Who knew the solution to world hunger would be a Wii game?

For comparison, let’s look at a place where there is real hunger. Pick your favorite third-world country; you know the kind where they are telling me they can feed some poor kid on only cents per day. Now, those people look hungry; they’ve got ribs sticking out and they have flies walking on their faces. You simply cannot look hungry with part of a McNugget stuck in your neck fat.

By now, you are asking just what the hell does this have to do with competitive eating?  There’s another comparison that answers that question. Logic would dictate that a guy who make a living eating 60 hot dogs would know all about the benefits of elastic-waist pants? Seriously, how can one be involved in a sport which keeps statistics like “dogs per minute” and not weigh as much as an NFL offensive line?

The day America died - When the movie "Meatballs" foretold our future.

The day America died – When the movie “Meatballs” foretold our future.

You’re going to have to follow me close on this one. First, keep in mind these guys clearly aren’t eating because they are hungry of all; they eat because there’s money in it.  Better yet, they aren’t eating any of that quinoa-soybean shit either. These guys are making a living gutting tacos, pizza, and all the other processed death stuff you see the scooter set buying.  But if you see these competitive-gorgefests, you can’t help but notice  the professional eaters aren’t aren’t morbidly obese; in fact several of them appeared to be in pretty damn good shape.

When you put it all together, it spells doom for America. Not only have we turned a basic survival instinct into competitive sport, we have a nation full of people who are eating at a professional level and not getting paid for it.  Worse yet, these amateur face-stuffers aren’t even any good at it; i’st an eating “fail” if you can eat 60 hot dogs and somebody still thinks you are hungry.

Happy Birthday, America! Enjoy it while you still can.





NBC Sports Network Is Moving In The Right Direction – Here’s Some Suggestions To Keep That Going

9 04 2013

dog peeing on espn.com

I’m all in favor of anything that chips away at the dominance the World Wide Bottom-Feeding Four-Letter Network has over the sports world. That’s why I found this press release from the NBC Sports Network so refreshing.

Buoyed by seven of the 10 most-watched NHL games in the network’s history, NBC Sports Network viewership rose 14% in the first quarter compared to first quarter in 2012, according to data released by The Nielsen Company. Additionally NHL programming, including the newly-created Wednesday Night Rivalry games, was up 58% compared to Q1 in 2012, the best start in the network’s history; The Dan Patrick Show viewership is up 58% compared to time period in 2012 Q1; the opening IndyCar telecast rose 78%; and MLS games are up eight percent over last year.

That opening paragraph gives one a brief shot as to what NBC sports Network is doing right; the rest of the release gives some details. We here at Dubsism intend to use those details to offer some suggestions as to how this network can continue it’s growth. Read the rest of this entry »








Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 119 other followers