The Dubsism 2013 NFL Draft Review – What We Told Them vs. What They Did vs. What ESPN Won’t Tell You

Things to Remember:

• References to the “Kiper Theory” are ironically based on our Dubsism Anti-Kiper NFL Draft Board. The “Kiper Theory” is the one that states teams must take the best player available, regardless of team needs.
• We rate drafts using the proprietary formula of the Dubsism Draft Quotient. This formula rates drafts picks based on rankings of players players based on overall ratings and within each position, balanced against team needs and when the pick was made.
• We refused to change our board based on hype, workouts, or whatever Todd McShay or any of those other hacks says. As the only draft prognosticators who actually watches college football games and not just film clips earlier than December, we based our rankings on something simple: the guy we thought would be the best NFL player. We covered as to why we reject conventional wisdom in our Team-by-Team warning about the NFL Draft.
• The more Mel Kiper disagrees with us, the more we believe we are right.  At the same time, we have undying respect for a guy we also think is a complete fraud. Kiper never stands behind things he says unless he happened to be right, and he changes his mind constantly in the run up to the draft. On the other hand, how can you not respect a guy who has made a whole career and millions of dollars out of saying “Trev Alberts sucks?”

The Dubscast, Volume 4: Minnesota Vikings’ Fans Need To Quit Whining About Losing Percy Harvin

As a Philadelphia Eagle fan, of all people I know what it is like to watch your team languish in the doldrums of mediocrity.  For example, I know what it is like to watch a team enter a season with Jeff Kemp as the starting quarterback (shudder).  But I also know what it is like to watch your team take a giant, cathartic, “morning after over-doing it at the Chinese-buffet” kind of dump. Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean, not just the kind of dump Ron White says makes your pants fit better, but the kind that makes you lose another waist size from plunging that sucker through the choke-point known as standard plumbing.

That’s why today’s installment of the Dubscast is a plea to fans of the Minnesota Vikings…embrace the departure of Percy Harvin.  Getting rid of him is exactly one of those dumps I’m talking about, and it came with that “makes a cloud feel like pepper-spray covered cinder blocks” roll of Charmin available only to God and the president of the Teamsters’ Union, and even that deity-worthy wipe was printed on a first-round draft pick.

In other words, the only thing that will bind you up worse than eating 29 cheese wontons is a bad salary cap commitment, and that is only one of five key numbers J-Dub breaks down on why the Vikings are dodging a bullet with Harvin’s departure.

The Dubscast, Volume 3: Randy Moss Needs To Retire

Today’s installment has a bit of a Sesame Street feel to it, as it is brought to you by the letter “R” and the number “36,” all of which have to do with the fact that future football Hall of Famer Randy Moss needs to realize his playing days are over.

Hat tip to Blog Surface whose piece inspired this rant…

 

With Their First Pick In The 1975 NFL Draft, The Redskins Select André René Roussimoff

Andre the Giant and Joe Theismann could have been the NFL’s best ventriloquist team ever.

No, those words never came out of Pete Rozelle’s mouth, but you must remember that 1975 was a very different time. Bell bottoms were still in fashion. Gas cost about 40 cents a gallon. And the internet didn’t exist yet to explode rumors into news reports. Otherwise, more people would have known about the time the Washington Redskins were so desperate for help they called the WWE to inquire about the availability of a guy named André René Roussimoff.

You probably know him better as Andre the Giant.

Let that sink in if you will…a 7′ 4″, 520 pound football player. Just imagine the possibilities.

That’s what then-director of player personnel for the Washington Redskins Tim Temerario was thinking that fateful day in 1975 when he called the offices of the World Wrestling Federation now (World Wrestling Entertainment), to inquire about the gargantuan grappler.

At nearly seven and a half feet tall, he would be like trying to kick a field goal over a tree. At over a quarter of a ton, he could have been an immovable object as a defensive lineman, or a super-sized version of a “Refrigerator” Perry-type goal-line bulldozer.

Andre was skeptical at best of the idea at first, if for no other reason that his wrestling career was paying more than any NFL lineman was making at the time.

But fellow wrestler George “The Animal” Steele knew it was a terrible idea; he shed some light on the issue during a podcast with UnderScoopFire.

“…the Washington Redskins wanted to sign Andre the Giant to play football,” Steele said. “And they wanted to sign him to play as a linebacker on field goals and extra points, to stand up and kind of wave like a giant. And it would be great publicity for them and us.

“And because I was a football coach and had played a little bit, Vince Sr. says Jim what do you think about this idea? I says I think it’s absolutely ridiculous. First of all, if you take Andre the Giant — as big and strong as he is — and stuck him in front of me, with his hands in the air waving or something, I’d take his knee out.

“I said first of all, I think you’re making a mockery of the game. And he’s outstretched, he can’t protect himself, I’d cripple him. And I said every guy in the NFL would do that. He has no business doing that. I don’t know if you know that or not, but they had made the offer, and it almost went to signing, and that’s why they didn’t do it. Because it wasn’t the right thing to do for Andre, for wrestling, and really for football.”

Apparently, the talks went so far as to as to spawn a press conference Washington, D.C. by Andre and up-and-coming wrestling executive Vince McMahon. But nothing ever came of the Redskins interest in Andre the Giant, and contrary to popular belief, no tryout ever took place, and no contract was ever offered. 

Besides, can you imagine what Roger Goodell would be doing now if  the full body slam were a legal football move?

The Dubscast, Volume 1

Welcome to a new era in the bullshit to which Dubsism exposes it’s six regular readers. We’ve now entered the video world, and here’s our first video podcast, and as terrible as it may be, it’s a “Neil Armstrong” giant step for this crappy, uncensored, independent sports blog.

The subject of this initial cast is a blog written by fellow Sports Blog Movement member Ryan Meehan in which he broached the topic of homosexuality in sports. While that is a touchy topic, it was a commenter on that post that led to this podcast, which offers a “gut-punch” honest assessment of the entire issue.

Click here to view the entire podcast, but be warned it is a big dose of unvarnished truth…be offended at your own risk.

Another Thing Danica Patrick Isn’t The First To Do – Add A Layer To The “Donovan McNabb Is A Dumbass” Argument

Last week at this time, Danica Patrick had just become the first woman to secure the pole position for the Daytona 500 today. Yesterday, she didn’t become the first pole-sitter to win the “great American race.”

Despite that lead-in, this isn’t about Patrick. Rather, this is about another thing she wasn’t the first to do; provide an opportunity for Donovan McNabb to prove what a dumbass he is.

Last week at this time, McNabb congratulated Patrick for being the first woman to win the Daytona 500, which would have been seriously awesome accomplishment, considering the actual race wasn’t run until yesterday. So, either Danica Patrick has a Chevy that can time-travel, or McNabb is a dipshit. To be honest, I waited to write this piece until today just to be sure the McNabb isn’t a psychic, but now that she didn’t win the race, it is safe to tee off on the former Eagles quarterback.

 

I think it is a safe bet that Danica Patrick’s car is not capable of ripping through the space-time continuum until I see either Albert Einstein or Captain James T. Kirk in her pit crew. That leaves us with the option that McNabb has his head up his ass.

Here’s a guy who lobbied for the Eagles to sign Michael Vick, then put on his pouty-pants when he lost his job to Vick.

Here’s a guy who said he would vote for himself for the Hall of Fame, when he is so clearly not a Hall of Famer.

Here’s a guy who as an NFL quarterback didn’t even bother to learn the overtime rules. He had no clue that NFL games went into “sudden death” and can end in ties.

But as an Eagles fan, my all-time favorite McNabb moment was a game against the Oakland Raiders where McNabb channeled his inner “Chris Webber” by calling time outs that didn’t exist.

With the ball on the Oakland Raiders 15-yard line with just 27 seconds remaining in the first half, the ingenious McNabb called a non-existent time-out. He was then penalized for doing so, bringing the ball back to the Raiders 20.

McNabb continued to shine from that point on, as he got sacked on the next play by Oakland’s Richard Seymour, and the Eagles were forced to kick a field goal. The score was then 10-6 with Oakland leading, instead of a very possible 10-10 tie at the break. The Raiders went on to win the game, hanging on for a pathetic 13-9 victory over Philadelphia.

But the thing that always drove me the craziest about McNabb was his using the “race card” to deflect any of his well-deserved criticisms. It all started with that Rush Limbaugh situation, which because of Limbaugh’s controversial nature allowed McNabb to dodge legitimate questions about his abilities as an NFL quarterback.

Donovan McNabb is the poster child for the complete bullshit argument that “black quarterbacks get criticized more than white quarterbacks.” The fact is black quarterbacks don’t get criticized because they are black, they get criticized because they are quarterbacks.

An NFL quarterback is probably the most visible position in all of professional sports, and NFL quarterbacks carry more of the weight of team performance than any other position. That criticism isn’t just reserved for the guys who can’t play. For every bad quarterback that has ever stepped under center, there’s a John Elway who “couldn’t win the big game” until the very end of his career. Peyton Manning just re-affirmed that long-standing knock on his tenure in the NFL. Jim Kelly is in the Hall of Fame and still has to hear about never winning a Super Bowl.

Having said that, let’s look at McNabb and why he might take some heat. He was the face of Philadelphia team known best for gagging 3 consecutive NFC championship games. He was the face of a Philadelphia team that upon finally winning a trip to the Super Bowl completely rolled over in crunch time against the Patriots.  Under McNabb’s lead, the Eagles simply seemed to be going through the motions after they feel behind, but the game was still in reach. Sure, Philadelphia fans are known to be harsh; after all these are the people who throw batteries and boo Santa Claus, but you tell me a fan base who would be forgiving of their quarterback giving up in the biggest game of his career.

When you combine all those layers, the NFL dumbassery of Donovan McNabb looks certain to be matched by his posrt-career stupidity, thanks to the NFL Network’s giving him yet more opportunities to prove what we already knew.

Project Rebuild: The Dallas Cowboys

In this series, we here at Dubsism will investigate troubled franchises and assume the role of general manager in order to return these franchises to past glory. In today’s installment, J-Dub will tackle the challenges facing the Dallas Cowboys

For purposes of full disclosure, I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan, and the fact that the Cowboys have slid into such a dismal state brings joy to my heart. Jerry Jones has taken the luster off one of the NFL’s flagship franchises. While he has made them an economic juggernaut, that hasn’t’ translated to success on the field, which is really the point.

So, why would a guy who has been an Eagles fan all the way back to the Roman Gabriel days want to offer a plan to rebuild the hated Dallas Cowboys? It is because I happen to know all seven Cowboys fans who aren’t sub-literate mouth-breathers, and part of me feels a bit sorry for them.  They are the seven people who honestly don’t deserve to watch their team be to the NFL what the Muppets’ Swedish Chef is to hauté cuisine.  In fact, one of them is a fellow Sports Blog Movement member who also did a very good piece on this subject. 

The Problems:

Jerry Jones as the De Facto General Manager:

Today’s “No Kidding” Moment: Former New York Jets’ GM Regrets Extending Mark Sanchez’s Contract

Let’s just cut through the crap here. I have no idea what the Jets were thinking last off-season, but it is clear it will take years to get out from under the mess they’ve created.  In order to understand this, we need to do a Sgt. Joe Friday-style breakdown of the facts involved in this catastrophe.

FACT: Last March, the New York Jets’ general manager Mike Tannenbaum thought Mark Sanchez was their quarterback of the future.

FACT: This was after the Jets traded for Tim Tebow, which was Tannebaum’s reponsse to Rex Ryan’s request for help at the quarterback position.

FACT: Tannebaum gave Sanchez an extension, making his contract worth more than $58 million over five years. This was after the Jets committed to at least $2 million per year (which could escalate with incentive clauses) with Tebow. That means the Jets are currently paying  in the neighborhood of $14 million dollars per year for quarterbacks they are desperate to unload on somebody. That’s number gets even more painful when you look at guys who are getting paid the same or less than the roughly $12 million the Jets are paying for Sanchez. Just for starters, look at the next six guys in terms of salary…

What If Roger Goodell Held Different Jobs Throughout History?

Editor’s Note:This article is a collaborative effort between Dubsism’s own J-Dub and Ryan Meehan from East End Philadelphia, which is featured in our BlogRoll and it is well worth the read.

Here’s the concept. Roger Goodell is such a blithering idiot that he very well could be the guy who fucks up the National Football League forever. Stop to think about what we are saying here. This guy could take a sports league which has been the unquestioned ruler of American sports for at least thirty years and have it saying “Yes, sir boss” to shit like NASCAR thirty years from now.  Don’t think for a minute that can’t happen…think about where boxing ranked in the panoply of American sports before it fell under the spell of a guy who has a hair-style reminiscent of an electrocuted Q-Tip.

1) Captain of the Titanic

What Your Team Needs To Do With It’s 2013 NFL Draft Pick

Now that we are finally past the Super Bowl, it is time to address the needs of your team heading into the NFL Draft. Everybody has a “mock draft or a “big draft board,” and we are no different…well, except we here at Dubsism are not interested in being the next Mel Kiper; we are more interested in making your team better rather than listening to ourselves blather on or getting some face time four our increasingly-odd pompadour.

In other words, we wholeheartedly reject the “Mel Kiper theory” which states you always draft the best player available. Sometimes, you are better off making a move to help your team. Be advised that as you peruse this list, “The Kiper Theory” is based on an aggregate of several mock drafts and Kiper’s own board. Then, we will give you the best available player according to the Dubsism Big Board. After that, we will give you the straight dope on what we believe your team really needs to do to best address its needs.  Be advised that we here at Dubsism really don’t care what Mel says, and we really don’t care that much about workouts, combines, and the silliness of those college “all-star ” games which are really just glorified scrimmages. Instead, we are all about realistic football solutions.