Editor’s Note: This article is a collaborative effort between J-Dub and Ryan Meehan from First Order Historians. Ryan also has his own blog, East End Philadelphia, which is featured in the Dubsism BlogRoll and it is well worth the read.
When a situation threatens to become a train wreck, much like the Florida State drama surrounding Jameis Winston will undoubtedly be, sometimes the facade keeping us from the inside truth starts to show cracks. As we have been prone to do in this series, we find those cracks and expose them to you, the blog-reading public.
It seems that several such cracks have surfaced in Tallahassee. It seems that
Criminole Seminole head football warden Jimbo Fisher is really struggling with the exploits of his star signal-caller as is evidenced by a series of conversations which were intercepted* by the investigative division of Dubsism.
*Legal Disclaimer – J-Dub and Meehan have a strange way of defining certain terms. “Intercepted” should be read as “completely fucking fabricated” by these two jamokes during yet another of their nights spent bombing Pine-Sol and Sterno shooters until 6 a.m. Despite that, we here at Dubsism would be willing to bet these guys probably aren’t far from the truth…
The scene opens with Jimbo Fisher in his office reading this morning’s newspaper, which as usual is filled with the exploits of Jameis Winston.
Fisher: (muttering to himself) “Hurting this team?!” Goddamnit all to hell (reaches for phone). Hey, did you read this shit today?
Undisclosed Florida State Official (UFSO): So, Captain Big Brain finally grabbed on to something about football? He’s finally figured out the tossing interceptions isn’t a good thing?
Even since the Jerry Sandusky scandal broke at Penn State three years ago, my position on this story has been both clear and consistent. You can research the Dubsism archives to see it for yourself, but for purposes of this discussion, it can be summed up in a single compound sentence. From Day One, people lost sight of what should have been the focus of this story should have been how we as a society need to protect our children.
All you had to do was to read the Freeh Report to know that was not going to be the case. Honestly, you had to be living on the dark side of the moon to not know it before then; the Freeh Report just became the perfect example of how even a tale this tragic can become just another vehicle for the advancement of a political agenda.
In particular, I was especially critical of the Freeh Report for several reasons, but most notably that it attempted to place Joe Paterno in a similar position of guilt as the three university officials who are facing federal charges. The reason why that was done was simply to put the face of Penn State football closer to the actual crime in order to make Penn State a more politically-acceptable whipping boy for the NCAA.
Every January since this blog was created, we here at Dubsism have given an award for achievements during the previous year in some under-recognized categories in the world of sports. In prior years, the nominations for the awards were done exclusively by an internal committee, but we’ve had so much success allowing nominations from the general public that we had no choice but to continue that. .
Between our committee and our valued readers, we had more quality nominations than we could ever possibly use. Thank you so much for that. When we received an outstanding nomination that proved to be a winner, we made sure to recognize those who submitted it. However, we did also receive nominations on multiple ballots that proved to be winners. If you see a winner that you nominated, and you weren’t credited, just know that you weren’t the only one who had the same idea.
With that, and after careful consideration, here are the winners of the Fifth Amnnual Dubsy awards.
As is prone to happen in December, the Dubsism College Football Heavyweight title has changed hands yet again. If you recall, two weeks ago, the Oklahoma State Cowboys wrested the belt away from the Baylor Bears. In turn, Oklahoma took it away from Oklahoma during their annual “Bedlam” rivalry game. Saturday marked the fifth time that the “Bedlam” game also served as a title fight, and they’ve historically not gone well for the boys from Stillwater.
- November 27th, 1954: Oklahoma 14 , Oklahoma State 0
- November 26th, 1955: Oklahoma 53 , Oklahoma State 0
- December 1st, 1956: Oklahoma 53 , Oklahoma State 0
- November 22nd, 2008: Oklahoma 61 , Oklahoma State 41
- December 7th, 2013: Oklahoma 33, Oklahoma State 24
Another thing that is prone to happen is the belt changes conferences in the bowl season. Say what you will, but that opportunity will arise again when Oklahoma meets Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. The fun fact in all of the 1,479 title fights there have been since the dawn of college football, the Sugar Bowl will mark the first time these two storied programs will meets with the Dubsism Belt on the line. That’s pretty amazing considering Alabama and Oklahoma combined have made have 135 appearances in such match-ups, with Alabama being in 74 (57 wins, 17 losses) and Oklahoma being in 61 (46 wins, 15 losses).
Should Alabama win the Sugar Bowl, it would mark the first time in two years the Dubsism Belt didn’t rest in the hands of a Big 12 team since West Virginia took it away from the ACC in the 2012 Orange Bowl. The ACC held the belt for a ten-game stretch in 2011 when Clemson took it from Auburn after a regular season win versus Auburn in September. Other than that ten-game span, the belt has been in the hands of either the Big 12 or the SEC since January 2007 when Florida won it from Ohio State in the BCS Championship Game.
If you aren’t familiar with the 1954 film classic “A Star Is Born” starring Judy Garland and James Mason, then the jokes here are going to be completely lost on you. But rather than telling you to move along, you may want to consider giving the following movie parody a read, because it was written four years ago and essentially predicts Sarkisian’s rise to the top. It stars all the same characters; Sarkisian as Esther Blodgett/Vicki Lester, former USC head coach Pete Carroll as Norman Maine, and who could forget the recently departed Ed Orgeron as Matt Libby?
Having said that, here’s the Dubsism version of “A Star Is Born.”
Long-time readers of Dubsism know that we have our own way of determining who is the best in college football; we do it the same way boxing does. You are #1 until somebody beats you, the team that beat you is #1. It’s that simple. Rather that wait for some bullshit poll, this way gives you immediate results.
In other words, we went all the way back to the first college football game in 1869 and followed the winners to see every #1 in history under this method. Just like in boxing, ties do not result in the champion losing the title, and there were certain games that were either exhibitions or matches outside of Division I football which were not eligible to be title matches. Since the dawn of college football, there have been 1,473 “title fights;” and last night’s resulted in the crowing of a new college football heavyweight champion when Oklahoma State knocked out Baylor.
Having said that…here’s how we got to the point of Oklahoma State becoming the champion for the second time (the first being in 2008). If you are in for some power-scrolling, there’s a list of every single title game after the jump.
Well, it seems that you just are not allowed to lose a t USC. After the Trojans went 4-7 in their last 11, including Saturday night’s seal clubbing at Arizona State in which the Trojans were busted for 62 points, it was clearly time for head coach Lane Kiffin to get fired.
When I say fired, I don’t mean “Hey, Lane, the athletic director wants to see you in his office 9 a.m. sharp Monday morning.” I mean the story is being reported that USC AD Pat Haden pulled the trigger on Kiffin at 3 a.m. Sunday after the team had returned from the slaughter in Tempe.
There’s so many parts to this story to love, I simply have no idea where to start with them all.
Nebraska head coach Bo Pelini is fiery sort go guy. That’s not really a surprising characteristic for a football coach. It also seems that he may be a colossal dick, which again, isn’t exactly virgin territory for these guys. But it seems that Pelini crossed the Lee Elia line by having a profanity-filled tirade directed largely at the fans.
For those of you who don’t recall, Lee Elia was the manager of the Chicago Cubs in 1983, and he found himself with a typically shitty Cubs team. One day during that fetid summer, Elia was goaded into a obscenity filled tirade about the Cubs’ fanbase. While it may not have been the reason Elia was out of a job (a 54-69 record at the time the axe fell couldn’t have helped), the “Tirade” certainly helped see Elia cleaning out his office by the end of the season.
Flash the clock forward to 2011. The Nebrasks Cornhuskers have just scored a huge comeback win against Ohio State. The problem was that a big chunk of the fans had left before the comeback, which led head coach Bo Pelini having a very Elia-esque moment which was brought to light this week by the good people at Deadspin.
This is fun. Here we have an audiotape of Nebraska football coach Bo Pelini flipping his shit about both the media and the Cornhuskers’ fans after a 2011 game. Why are we getting this now? Well, our tipster was particularly exercised by Nebraska’s flameout against UCLA on Saturday, which has led to some awkwardness in Huskerdom. In the 2011 audio, Pelini says the word “fuck” a lot. He seems to have no idea he was being recorded.
Our tipster says the recording was made on Oct. 8, 2011, just after Nebraska had come back from three touchdowns down to beat Ohio State in Lincoln. He or she only recently had come into possession of this audio before sending it our way. It was recorded moments before Pelini did his postgame radio interview with Greg Sharpe of the Husker Sports Network. Pelini sounded anything but relieved by the big victory.
In the recording, Pelini is talking to Sharpe and to a woman whose identity we’ve been unable to determine. Pelini initially seems upset with an unknown person who works at the Omaha World-Herald, whom he calls “a piece of shit.”
So, after you take in all that has happened, it is time for us to boil all the media bullshit off this story and get us back to the hard facts we all know are present here.
Back in 2005, the NCAA declared that Native American mascots were “hostile and abusive” and outlawed them. Eight years later, the fact they are still around may be the perfect example of why the NCAA is the standard by which one measures ineffective and hypocritical organizations. The fact the debate spread beyond that is even more of a damning statement.
In today’s installment of the Dubscast, J-Dub takes a critical look at how the NCAA really isn’t interested in “hostile and abusive” because it clearly makes decision based on other criteria it won’t tell anybody. It is important to understand this IS NOT a discussion as to whether these mascots are “offensive,” you will need to get past that debate in order to see the bigger picture in play in this issue.
In other words, after checking out this episode of the Dubscast, you will need to decide for yourself why the NCAA either cannot or will not enforce its own rules.
First, there was the news that for the first time in 600 years a sitting Pope would resign from office. Now, the Catholic Church is taking advantage of that situation to completely revamp it’s leadership structure.
During this rare “sede vacante,” the Catholic Church announced on Saturday that it would take unprecedented steps in its search for a new leader in order to move the church in a new, growth-centered direction.
One of the major changes announced by Camerlengo Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone was the creation of the office of Commissioner. The duties of this office are to handle many of the operational and administrative functions, while Benedict XVI’s successor in the Papacy would still retain the position as the Supreme Pontiff.
“The next Pope will function more like a Chairman of the Board,” said Cardianl Bertone. “The business operations of the church needed more focused attention. This is just a smart business decision that will allow us as an organization to better synergize our efforts.”
To fill the new Commissioner position, the Catholic Church appointed Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany. The 65-year old Delany has been at the helm of the Big Ten since 1989.
“Delany was really our choice for this position all along,” Cardinal Bertone said. “Delany has an established track record of growth during his time with the Big Ten. Mr. Delany’s experience in organization building, finance, and sports marketing are a perfect fit for the directions that we need the Church to go. To become the world’s pre-eminent religion again, we need to grow like an American sports league. He [Delany] saw right away that as an organization, we have been focusing our efforts in some areas that tend to lead us away from our core competencies.
Some of Delany’s accomplishments while with the Big Ten:
- The creation of the Big Ten Network
- The expansion of the conference to 14 schools with the addition of Penn State University in 1990, the University of Nebraska in 2011 and the University of Maryland and Rutgers University in 2012.
- Guaranteed participation for Big Ten schools in seven different bowl games
- Development and implementation of the first college football instant replay system
- An increase in average Big Ten football game attendance from 58,000 per game to 72,000 per game by 2005
- Negotiations with CBS to achieve a $6 billio,n 11-year contract for men’s basketball NCAA tournament games
Given that list, it should come as no surprise that according Cardinal Bertone, Delany’s primary agenda will be to “reposition the Church to be aggressively market-driven.” Along this line, one of Delany’s first major changes in Church philosophy was to permanently rescind the traditional “blessed” status of the world’s meek.
Marking a dramatic shift in church doctrine, the historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old pro-Meek stance signals a major change in the focus of the church toward being a more revenue-focused organization.
“Your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, ‘Blessed are the Meek,'” said Delany in a conference call with the College of Cardinals. “However, there has always been a tacit understanding between the Church and the Meek that this ‘blessed’ status was conditional upon their inheritance of the earth, an event which seems unlikely to happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship, therefore, must be terminated.”
Citing “Two millennia of inaction and non-achievement” by the world’s impoverished and downtrodden, Delany contended that the Meek’s historic unwillingness and/or inability to improve their worldly status constituted “bad faith that violates the spirit of the agreement on their part.”
“Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for them to inherit the earth,” the Pope said in a statement supporting Goldbaum’s move. “For years, the Catholic Church has made every effort to help them, but at some point, enough is enough. We are patient, but, Jesus Christ, when do you draw the line?” Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the decision.
“The Meek have abused their blessed status for far too long now,” said Sean O’Malley, Archbishop of Boston. “From the Renaissance to the Industrial Revolution to the current Global Information Age, the Meek have always somehow managed to sit on their asses and do nothing while others worked hard to make advances and improve their lives. They have collected the Catholic Church’s spiritual welfare checks for long enough. Everything about the Meek, from their simple garments, to their quiet demeanors, to their utter lack of can-do spirit, goes against Church philosophy. Sitting back and expecting the Lord to provide you with Marlboros and cheap liquor is not the type of behavior for which the Church should be rewarding its followers.”
The change in policy toward the Meek is also rooted in financial considerations. Quoting Vatican statistics, Delany stated because more than 80 percent of the world’s Catholics live below the poverty line, the Catholic Church receives less than 2 percent of its annual earnings of $395 billion from such people.
“It is plain to see that being so heavily involved with the Meek offers almost zero return on investment,” Delany stated. “By divesting ourselves here, we open up pipelines for far more productive revenue streams, much more interesting market segments, and ultimately, major growth potential.”
“The Meek’s blessed status was originally bestowed upon them by Jesus Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His gospels and teachings to allow us discretion in this manner, especially in light of the financial goals of the Church as it seeks to establish itself in the 21st century,” Delany said, offering the theological justification for the move. “From this day forward, the Church position shall be, Blessed are the Affluent for they have indeed inherited the Earth. Not to mention, they are the ones who will buy season tickets.”
In an effort to move away from its traditional Meek core demographic and attract more upscale worshipers, Vatican officials announced a number of big-time sports related changes for the Gospels. Among the changes:
- Christ is now said to have been born in state-of-the-art training facility, not a manger.
- The amount of gold bestowed upon Him by the Wise Men has been quadrupled, the frankincense replaced by a BCS Bowl-quality gift bag, including deluxe Calvin Klein Obsession® toiletry kit with a Gucci carrying case, and myrrh was replaced with a full-ride scholarship.
- Judas shall no longer be viewed as a traitor, but instead shall be viewed as a demonstration of the pitfalls of not keeping your boosters in line.
- It shall henceforth be as easy for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven as it is for him to pass through the Stadium Club entrance.
- The episode between Christ and the Moneylenders in the temple from now on is to be interpreted as an internecine argument over appropriately aggressive alumni fund-raising tactics.
Changes have also been made to the Sacraments, according Cardinal Bertone. Among the changes:
- Baptism is now done with bottled water, available only through licensed staduim concessions.
- Extreme Unction is now available in exchange for an alumni donation instead of actually having to deal with any sick people.
- A new bonus Sacrament has been added, Indulgent Consumption. This is achieved upon purchase of your first four-seat of Club Level® season-ticket package and can be used as a substitute for any other Sacrament.
In addition, Bertone went on to outline the new Catholic Church Staduim Club/BlessedPerks® plan, under which blessedness and God’s everlasting love are free of charge to members once a baptism/membership fee has been paid. Once this fee is paid, members begin accruing FrequentPrayer® points. Points can be accrued, for example, by attending mass, making donations to the Church, purchasing items from the news line of licensed Church gear and by using the new ChristBuxx® credit card at selected retailers.
After completion/purchase of the Sacraments, for an additional fee, Catholics can become Gold Circle® members of the Church, entitling them to such upgrades as forgiveness, sainthood and reserved priority seating at the right hand of the Holy Father upon death, depending on the number of FrequentPrayer® points they wish to redeem. In explaining the root of these changes, Bertone went on to add that this was strictly a business decision
“We do not wish the Church to become completely exclusionary,” Bertone said. “If any of the former Meek wish to change their ways, they may certainly do so. But it won’t be the free ride they got before, I can promise you that.”
“The Lord will provide, of course,” Delany said. “But He also knows the Church needs to build a new stadium first.”