The Dubsism Top Fifteen Sports Stories of 2012

Being that we are at the end of what has proven to be a tumultuous twelve months, why not take a look back at the biggest sports stories of such a year? After all, I’m pretty sure nobody else does these sort of retrospectives…

15) The Los Angeles Kings Win The Stanley Cup

These are NOT your father’s Kings.

For purposes of full disclosure, I have a bias on this one; I’ve been a Kings’ fan since I had to hold a puck with two hands. But there’s a couple of reasons why this win by the sole surviving original California hockey team (raise your hand if you remember the California Golden Seals) is a big story.

• The Kings are the first native Los Angeles  team (not relocated from another city) to win a championship (Anaheim is NOT Los Angeles).
• The Kings became the first NHL team to enter the playoffs as the 8th seed and eliminate the 1st and 2nd seeded teams in their conference.
• The Kings became the first team to win the Stanley Cup entering the playoffs as a #8 seed.
• The Los Angeles Kings ended one of the longest championship droughts (45 years) when they hoisted the franchise’s first Stanley Cup.

The moral of the story: Don’t look now, but the Golden State is slowly becoming hockey territory. In the last twenty years, California has won more Stanley Cups than Canada has.

14) Johnny Football Becomes Johnny Heisman

The rise of Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel had all the media hype of other stories you will see on this list, but it had one crucial difference. Johnny Football became the first freshman to win the Heisman Trophy, thus breaking one of the last barriers in the history of the 50-pound trophy awarded by the Downtown Athletic Club.  Manziel literally came from nowhere to the pinnacle of college football in a vote that was never really close.

The moral of the story: Until further notice, the Heisman is an award for quarterbacks and running backs only. If I had a vote, by sticking with the strict definition of the “best player in college football,” my ballot would have been as follows:

1. Barrett Jones, C, Alabama
2. Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M
3. Jarvis Jones, LB, Georgia

13) The Indianapolis Colts Cut Peyton Manning

The Peyton Manning era in Indianapolis came to a rather inglorious, if not completely anti-climactic end on March 7, when team owner Jim Irsay announced at a press conference that the team would release the man who had become the face of the Colts’ franchise.  A 2-14 season during which Manning never saw the field due to a neck injury illustrated the need for a consideration for the future in Indianapolis. Couple that with the economic reality; cutting Manning meant the Colts would save a $28 million roster bonus due on March 8, plus be free-and-clear of the remainder of his contract.  Add it all up, and it means this move surprised nobody, because it allowed the Colts to have money for the next franchise quarterback, #1 overall draft pick Andrew Luck.

The moral of the story: Even 4-time MVPs are no longer immune to the economic realities of sports.

12) Augusta National Adds Its First Female Members

To be honest, I’m an old-school guy who believes that private clubs should be able to pick and choose who they want  as members. That’s why when I first found out that Augusta had caved to a bunch of ball-busting feminists with chin-whiskers and married to sociology professors, my neanderthal heart sank a bit. But when I found out that the women Augusta picked would completely piss-off the “drives a Subaru with a rainbow bumper sticker” crowd, I had renewed faith in all that is right. Who better to do that that the hated George Bush’s Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Darla Moore, a woman who had the audacity to make a bazillion dollars in the world of corporate finance?

The moral of the story: Social activists, you too need to be careful of what you wish for.

11) The Resurgence of Notre Dame Football

Notre Dame last saw the top of the college football mountain in 1988. In the quarter-century since, the Irish have remained a media darling while simultaneously spending more time as a doormat than a contender. Since that last title, Notre Dame has appeared in exactly five BCS bowls, and has lost every single one of them by at least 14 points. They are 6-11 in bowl games overall in that time. There was a fifteen-year span between 1993 and 2008 where the Irish lacked a single post-season win.

But now they’ve managed to finish the regular season undefeated and ranked number #1, thanks largely to a  key goal-line stand in overtime against Stanford, Pittsburgh’s inability to make a clutch kick, and a complete meltdown by Oklahoma. After all that, the Irish are set to face defending BCS champ Alabama for the title.

The moral of the story: Despite all the media attention the Irish are gathering, you would be hard-pressed to hear Notre Dame is a ten-point underdog.

10) The Beginning of the End of the National Hockey League

If you needed a perfect model for how not to run a professional sports league, you need look no further than the NHL.  The latest example of their stupidity came with the latest failure to come to a collective bargaining agreement after two months of talks between team owners and the NHL Player’s Association broke down and the league entered its fourth work stoppage since 1992. I’ve never been the commissioner of anything bigger than a fantasy sports league, but even I know that in order to keep people interested in your sport, you need actually to play some games.  As of now, that hasn’t happened, and with every passing day, it looks more likely that hockey fans will be deprived of an entire season for the third time since 1994.

It’s time to understand that even die-hard hockey fans like myself are ready to wash their hands of this shit.  Idiotus Supremus Gary Bettman and the owners don’t get that they are killing a league over their insistence in making the players’ union pay for their complete lack of business sense. Fellow Sports Blog Movement member Ryan Meehan and I hit on this a while ago, but the keys remain in place.  The owners locked the doors because the players wouldn’t accept a new collective bargaining agreement that requires players to accept salary cuts and limits on free agency, despite the fact the owners were more than happy to give those provisions without any threat. The union wants a better revenue sharing plan that help the league’s struggling franchises.  Face it, the NHL needs to survive in the Winnipegs and the Buffalos of the world, because in North America, hockey is a regional sport with a limited appeal outside of that region.

The moral of the story: If Meehan, the players, and I can figure that out, what does it say for the future of this league that the owners can’t?

9) Lin-sanity

For 25 days last winter, an Asian Harvard graduate was the biggest story in all of sports. Think about that for a minute…Jeremy Lin had been sleeping on his brother’s couch, had been cut by two NBA teams, and was put into a game on February 4th by Mike D’Antoni, whose New York Knicks were so injury-depleted Lin was the only alternative left on the bench besides the towel guy.  Lin went on to score 25 points and seven assists leading a comeback over the then-New Jersey Nets.  Lin then lead the Knicks to seven straight wins, including one in which he hung 38 on Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers.  What began with a bang (perhaps literally, judging by the photo above) ended with a knee-injury and a quiet relocation to the Houston Rockets.

The moral of the story: All glory is fleeting.

8 ) Michael Phelps Becomes History’s Most Decorated Olympian 

As far as I’m concerned, any guy who won 19 gold medals can do all the bong hits he wants.  While most stoners can’t get past micro-waving a burrito and watching Scooby-Doo at the same time, this guy joined a frightfully short list of elite athletes while giggling stupidly at his own own reflection in a sheet of aluminum foil.

Phelps made the cover a Wheaties box in 2008 after he won eight Olympic gold medals in Beijing. but then came history’s most publicized bong toke. Phelps received a three-month suspension from USA Swimming and Kellogg’s said they would not renew their endorsement of the Olympian. which goes to show what dumb-asses they both are. USA Swimming finally re-instated Phelps and he went on to win nine more medals in London this past summer, his 19 medals surpassing the 18 won by Soviet gymnast Larisa Latynina.

The moral of the story: Somebody ought to start a cereal called Weed-ies.

7) The NFL’s Replacement Referee Debacle 

We all know what a debacle the NFL’s use of replacement referees was.  The biggest indicator of what dipshits sports commissioners in this country are is that they make me sympathetic to scumbag unions.

The moral of the story: This is just one reason people will look back at 2012 as the beginning of the downfall of the Kommissar Goodell regime.

6) Lance Armstrong Stripped of  Cycling Titles

While it isn’t an excuse, there is a shitload of truth in that quote in the above graphic.  There’s a huge double-standard about cheating in this country; it is OK when your guy does it. And nobody was more of “America’s Guy” then Lance Armstrong was when was routinely humiliating the French in the Tour de France. That’s really the only reason anybody in America gave a damn about cycling; it was an exercise in hating the perfectly hateable French.

Back in August, U.S. Anti-Doping Agency announced that it was stripping Lance Armstrong of his record-seven Tour de France titles and barred him for life from the sport after concluding he used banned substances.  On October 22, the International Cycling Union (UCI), cycling’s governing body, said that it had officially stripped Armstrong of his seven titles and banned him from cycling for life.

But then comes the part where the hypocrisy comes in again.

“He deserves to be forgotten,” UCI President Pat McQuaid said of Armstrong.

Give me a fucking break. Cycling is the dirtiest of the “dirty” sports when it comes to performance enhancing drugs; what’s going on in baseball might as well be the drug problem in pee-wee T-ball compared to cycling.  All the UCI and USADA did was to catch the best cheater in sport filled with cheaters whose lifeblood literally is cheating.

The moral of the story: There’s nothing wrong with anything that sticks it to the French.

5) Speaking of Hypocrisy, Let’s Talk About The NCAA

Question: Do you know what the Jerry Sandusky and Sandy Hook Elementary School situations have in common, besides the fact they both involve monsters whose own self-absorbed impulses were brought to bear on many innocent people? They are both examples of how we in America love to pontificate about horrible things, yet do nothing about them.

In the wake of both of these terrible stories, you didn’t hear one credible person come out and say stupid shit like “I’m glad this happened. We need more events like this to learn our lessons.” Anybody who would have said anything like this would have been stamped USDA Prime Whacko and their words would have been filed in the appropriate plastic-bag lined receptacle. But no matter how many times you let a train run over a coin, it still has two sides, and there were far too many people ready to get on the other side of the bombastic coin  from the stamped Whackos.

These were the people who took such a brave stand by table-pounding the obvious “we need to protect our children” reaction. There are lessons to be learned, and there are things as a society we need to do; the trouble is that we as society have completely missed the point.

The NCAA serves as the perfect microcosm of American society, and the ridiculous, pointless, and self-serving crap the NCAA does is a perfect reflection of the society in which it exists.  It’s numb-handed response to the Sandusky scandal at Penn State proves that.

After former FBI Director Louis Freeh released his report , the NCAA got into the fashionable “shitting on Penn State” and did it in a completely meaningless way. While Penn State may have received some of the harshest penalties in NCAA history, they were ultimately without real teeth. If you doubt that, let’s break them down:

• A 4-year bowl ban: Normally that would hurt, but at the end of the 2011 season, this team could only qualify for a low-rent bowl where they got smoked by a Houston team whose coach was on his way to making Texas A&M the Belle of the SEC Newbies ball.  Nobody saw the miracle incoming head coach Bill O’Brien pulled off; he literally made a team intended to be kicked off the B1G island and made it the second-best team in the conference.
• Loss of 20 scholarships: This does kill bench depth, but lets be honest…you can still win with only three punters on the depth chart. 65 scholarships is still plenty to field a winning team; NFL teams only have 53 roster spots. The only part that could sting is that Penn State can only sign 15 recruits per year rather than the usual 25.
• $60 Million Fine: Penn State has an endowment of nearly $2 billion and has an athletic department that generates cash in gorgon-like quantities. $60 million to them is the change you keep in your car’s cup holder for toll booths.
• Loss of shared conference bowl revenue for four years: This is estimated to be around $13 million per year. See above.

Faber College’s Dean Wormer: The perfect successor to NCAA President Mark Emmert

• Five years probation: That might as well be  Dean Wormer’s “double secret probation” from ”Animal House” since the NCAA really has no interest in handing out real punishments.
• Players were allowed to transfer without penalty: The team still won eight games.
• Vacating of all wins from 1998-2011: Record book hocus-pocus. This was only done to screw Joe Paterno, who was already dead by the time this move was made. Utterly pointless.

In other words, the NCAA didn’t do anything substantive after the Sandusky situation just like we won’t solve the problem after Sandy Hook.

The moral of the story: I can’t wait for NCAA President Mark Emmert to weigh in on gun control.

4) The Ongoing Tim Tebow Saga

Where do I start start with this? Here’s a guy who sold more jerseys than anybody before he even took a single NFL snap.  Here’s a guy who stays in the headlines despite the fact he’s only taken 50 snaps this season as a New York Jet. Here’s a guy who everybody keeps saying isn’t an NFL quarterback, and yet right now we are talking about where is the next place he “isn’t” going to be an NFL quarterback.

The moral of the story: I’ll buy lunch for the first person who can explain Tebow-mania to me in 50 words or less.

3) The “Bounty-Gate” Debacle

Too bad NFL Commissioner Kommissar Goodell doesn’t have a paper towel good enough to clean up the mess he made.

Think about it for a moment. How many times have you seen a guy over-estimate his power, do something completely stupid because of that over-estimation, then need somebody to come in and clean up the mess. I guess former commissioner Paul Tagliabue is the one who had the big roll of paper towels.

To make a long story short, ”Bountygate” blew up in Goodell’s face when he mistakenly assumed the players he suspended would simply roll over and take his brand of “justice.” But when Jonathan Vilma, Anthony Hargrove, Will Smith and Scott Fujita were reinstated by a three-members appeals panel. which included former NFL head Paul Tagliabue. The panel overturned a ruling that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was within his powers to suspend the players for their alleged roles in a pay-to-injure agreement.

What it all boils down to is that in the end, Goodell managed to emasculate himself, and required Tagliabue to get him out of the mess he made for himself. In other words, the commissioner did not have the final say; the former commissioner did.  I don’t know of too many executive-level managers who stay employed after they need to be bailed out, especially when Tagliabue was only intended to review Goodell’s decision to impose suspensions on four New Orleans Saints players and instead found the action so flawed he had to vacate those suspensions.

The moral of the story: This is another reason people will look back at 2012 as the beginning of the downfall of the Kommissar Goodell regime.

2) Miguel Cabrera Becomes Baseball’s First Triple Crown Winner in 45 Years

Miguel Cabrera became the first player to win baseball’s Triple Crown since Boston’s Carl Yastrzemski in 1967, and just the 15th player ever. This puts Cabrera on a list with baseball royalty which includes Mickey Mantle, Ted Williams, and Lou Gehrig. Cabrera led  the American League with a .330 batting average, 44 home runs and 139 RBIs.

The moral of the story: Dude can hit.

1) The Los Angeles Dodgers Are The First Sports Franchise to Sell For $2 Billion

The Los Angeles Dodgers were sold to a group that includes NBA Hall of Famer Magic Johnson for a final sale price of just over $2 billion. That represents the highest price any sports team has ever sold for — by a wide margin.

Television money for live sports is skyrocketing, and it’s driving up the values of sports teams not just in the United States, but around the world as well.  People keep trying to tell me baseball is dead, and a baseball team just sold for a staggering amount of money. If one were to pay that $2 billion in cash, you would need sixteen standard shipping pallets stacked four feet square with $100 dollar bills. And the prices are only going up.

Want to buy a European soccer team? Soccer is the world’s most popular sport, so you’d better bring your wallet. Manchester United was the first team to break the the billion-dollar barrier, and that was a decade ago. Now, buying a top team in the English Premier League will easily cost you somewhere in the neighborhood of $2.5 billion.  If you still want a big-time European soccer club, but want to save your pennies, you might be able to get Real Madrid for just under $2 billion.  Even the Jacksonville Jaguars, arguably the least-valuable franchise in the NFL, just sold recently for $770 million.

The moral of the story: Television money is exploding sports as we know it.

What You Would Expect From A Dubsism Christmas Post

Let’s face it. For the regular six readers of this blog, I’m guessing a lot of you picture me as a Homer Simpson-ish character. Well, I don’t work at a nuclear power plant, Mrs. Dubsism does not have eight-foot tall blue hair, and you’d have to replace Homer’s love of Duff beer with some cheap-shit bourbon, but other than that, you wouldn’t be far off.

Having said that, it’s time to celebrate the season in a purely sporting manner, as you would expect from the worst sports blog you read.  This year’s theme: Athletes in Santa costumes…

Since Dubsism World Headquarters are located in Indiana, how could we not start off with the pride of French Lick?

Sticking with basketball, and since Chicago and northwest Indiana are indistinguishable, why not some Luol Deng Santa action?

Speaking of Chicago, the Cubbie’s favorite second-base Hall-of-Famer got in on the act with a minor-league “Christmas in July” gag.

What better baseball Santa could you have than a guy who p;itched a perfect game while battling a hang-over? Don’t tell me most mall Santas aren’t plowed most of the time, and only David Wells could make high-tops work with a Santa suit.

 

Sticking with pitchers, there’s two reasons why we included former moundsman Kris Benson and his Playboy Playmate wife Anna, and Kris isn’t one of them…if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

 

If you’ve been a reader of Dubsism, you know J-Dub has an eyeball-bursting hatred of Tommy Lasorda. But this is the season of brotherhood, kindness, and all that other holiday bullshit, so we are forced to wish a Merry Christmas to everybody.  LuolFace it, even the Grinch pussed out at the end.

Actually, we here at Dubsism wish all of you a Merry Christmas…even you, Tommy Lasorda.

The Dubsism 2012 World Series Recap

Game 1:

In the Dubsism World Series Preview, we said that for the Giants to win the World Series, they had to beat Verlander at least once, and that would preferably happen in Game 1.  Obviously, Pablo Sandoval reads Dubsism.

By joining the exclusive club of guys who have belted three homers in a World Series game (Babe Ruth, Reggie Jackson, and Albert Pujols), Sandoval did more damage to Detroit than the Edsel and Eminem combined.

We’d be lying if we said we saw a three-dinger day coming for the Kung Fu Panda, but a big performance shouldn’t have surprised anybody…the guy can flat-out hit.  Sandoval was the spark plug in games 5,6, and 7 in the NLCS when San Francisco faced elimination.  Game 1 of the World Series struck me as Sandoval being out to prove he should have been the NLCS MVP (although, let’s be honest…Marco Scutaro was a damn solid choice as well).

The problem is that Sandoval missed a perfect opportunity after his iuncredible Game 1 showing.  How awesome would it have been if he had pulled a Chico Escuela in the post game interview? Pablo, if you really do read this blog, give just us one ” Beisbol been berry, berry good to me.” We’d love you for life.

The thing we got wrong: With two solid pitching staffs and two pitcher-friendly ball parks where the ball just does not carry at night, we never thought we’d see five home runs in this whole series, let alone in the first game.

The Defining Moment: The fact that Sandoval hit a Verlander 0-2 fastball for a 410-foot moon shot, considering Verlander hand’t served one up on an 0-2 pitch all season.

The Fact That May Shock You: After Game 1, Justin Verlander’s all-time World Series record was 0-3 with a 7.20 ERA.

Game 2:

The World Series is a seven-game affair, and some people say seven is a lucky number.  While that may or may not be true, you can bet the Tigers now think two is their unlucky number.  Not only did their number two pitcher lose Game Two by two runs, but it was the second inning which seemed to doom Detroit.

The second inning started with  Prince Fielder getting nailed by a Madison Bumgarner pitch, which was followed by a Delmon Young two-bagger into the left field corner.  For some reason known only to Tiger third-base coach Gene Lamont, he gave the not-exactly-fleet-of-foot Fielder the “go” sign with no outs, and Fielder was cut down at the plate.

The real problem is that even had Lamont held Fielder at third and the Tigers had runners on second and third with nobody out, nobody did anything after that anyway.  Your odds of winning aren’t very good when you only scratch out two measly hits, and we tried to tell you the Tigers can’t score if Cabrera and Fielder don’t produce.

But the pitch that hit Fielder wasn’t the worst hit-by-ball incident to happen to Detroit in the second inning.  In the bottom half of the inning, Tiger pitcher Doug Fister took a Gregor Blanco liner directly to the side of his head; the ball hit so hard it caromed into shallow center field. We’ve all seen pitchers get damn near killed on hits like that, but Fister stayed in the ball game to pitch six solid innings of one-run ball.

The problem was that Madison Bumgarner – the same Bumgarner who got sent to the bullpen for his awful starts in the divisional series against the Reds – served up seven innings of shutout ball. Honestly, the only real threat the Tigers mounted was in the second inning, when they ran themselves right out of a potential rally.  The Tigers made another gaffe on the bases a few innings later when Omar Infante got picked off.

The Defining Moment: Oddly enough, it isn’t Lamont’s blunder sending Fielder in the second inning. It’s the fact that once again, the Tigers don’t give Doug Fister any support, and a pitcher who was on a bad streak (Bumgarner) gets healthy against the Motor City Kitties. C’mon Tiger fans, how many times have you seen that this season?

The Fact That May Shock You:  Madison Bumgarner struck out Austin Jackson and Omar Infante to start the game.  The only other Giants pitchers to do that in a World Series game were Hall-of-Famers Christy Mathewson in 1905 and Carl Hubbell in 1933.

Game 3:

Did we mention that “2″ seems to be the Tigers unlucky number? 2 games in a row, they’ve been shutout. 2 games in a row, they’ve lost 2-0. There haven’t been back-to-back shutouts in a World Series game since 1966, when the Baltimore Orioles blanked the Los Angeles Dodgers in games 2, 3, and 4. A National League team hasn’t twirled consecutive donuts since the Cincinnati Reds did it in 1919 against the notorious “Black Sox.” In other words, The last time an American League club posted back-to-back blanks in a World Series, that club was actually trying not to score.

In two of the first three innings, the Tigers had the crowd at Comerica Park on their feet by putting two base runners on with less than two outs.  Two times, Giants starter Ryan Vogelsong put the crowd quietly back in their seats by getting Tiger hitters to hit into inning-ending double plays — first Prince Fielder, then Quintin Berry.

That brings us to the Big 2 who had taken the “Big Sleep” up to this point in the series. Through Game 3, Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder went missing; they’ve combined for a scant three singles and two walks in 21 plate appearances.  The Tigers blew their best scoring opportunity in the fifth inning when Quintin Berry struck out with the bases loaded and one out. That meant Miguel Cabrera now had to face Vogelsong with two outs, and Vogelsong took advantage of the situation knowing a fly ball couldn’t bring in a run.  He challenged the Triple Crown winner with back-to-back inside fastballs, the second of which Cabrera popped up weakly to the shortstop.

The Tigers’ scoring threat, and essentially the game, ended there.

The Fact That May Shock You:  Ryan Vogelsong only gave up three runs on 16 hits in 24.2 innings this postseason.  His 1.05 ERA was the lowest by a starter over that many innings in a postseason since Orel Hershiser’s record-setting campaign in 1988.

The Defining Moment: Anytime the Tigers had runners in scoring position. Through Game 3, Detroit went 1-for-11 with ducks on the pond.

Game 4:

Is it irony that we had to wait until the final game to finally get a real game? Regardless of which team you wanted to win, Game 4 was all you could ask for in terms of a post-season baseball game.

As had been the case throughout this series, San Francisco drew first blood in the second inning (there’s that pesky Tiger thing about the number 2 again…) on Hunter Pence’s ground-rule double, followed by Brandon Belt’s triple into the right-field corner.

Just when Tiger fans were thinking “here we go again,’”  Miguel Cabrera emerged from his self-imposed batting exile to stroke a two-run homer in the third inning. Not only did Cabrera’s shot give the Tigers the first lead in the Series, it ended the Giants’ streak of 56 consecutive innings in which had the lead. San Francisco hadn’t trailed since losing Game 4 of the NLCS at St. Louis.

The Tigers kept the lead until the sixth, when Buster Posey had a re-emergence of his own, breaking an 0-for-8 streak by belting a 1-0 changeup for a two-run homer into the left-field seats .  It was Posey’s third post-season round-tripper and first extra-base hit in 40 at-bats since his grand slam in Game 5 of the NLDS in Cincinnati.

San Francisco’s leave was short-lived as Detroit quickly pulled even in the bottom of the sixth on Delmon Young’s two-out homer to right field.

Both team’s bullpens posted blank frames until the tenth inning, when it all came to an agonizing, albeit classic Giants’-style ending.  San Francisco’s Ryan Theriot reached on a soft single to right field, and Brandon Crawford moved him into scoring position with a sacrifice bunt. Then, NLCS MVP Marco Scutaro came up with yet another clutch hit, this one a single that drove in the game-winning run, and drove a stake into the heart of the Tigers.

This series had to be a killer for Detroit fans, and it likely wasn’t helped by the “too little, too late” scenario of Game 4.  It had to be sheer torture for the Tigers as not one, but two (there’s that pesky Tiger thing about the number 2 again…) Jhonny Peralta drives died at the warning track in a tie ball game;  the second one in the bottom of the ninth would have been a game-winner.  Before that, Tigers fans had to suffer through Jeremy Affeldt striking out the middle of Detroit’s lineup — Miguel Cabrera, Prince Fielder and Delmon Young — with the potential go-ahead run on base in the eighth after a walk to pinch-hitter Avisail Garcia.

What it all comes down to is the Giants did what thy needed to do and the Tigers didn’t. As we said in the Series preview, this would come down to a few key points:

The Bottom Line:

The Tigers Win If:

• Verlander wins both of his scheduled starts, and Jose Valverde re-establishes himself in the Tiger bullpen (Didn’t happen, he didn’t even get two starts)
• The Tigers wrap it up early. If this series gets to the last two games in San Francisco, the odds are against them (Giants didn’t need the last three games)
• Somebody besides Cabrera and Fielder provides some offense (Clearly didn’t happen)

The Giants Win If:

• They beat Verlander at least once, particularly in Game 1 (They didn’t just beat him, they blew him up)
• The clutch hitting continues and/or Buster Posey returns to his MVP form (Sandoval, Scutaro, and Hunter Pence…thank you very much)
• Bumgarner and/or Lincecum remembers it’s October (Check, please…)

The Dubsism Prediction:

San Francisco wins in six games (I really thought the Tigers would beat Cain in Game 4, and Verlander would be Verlander in Game 5…so much for that)

The Defining Moment: Miguel Cabrera striking out looking to end Game 4.  It was a microcosm of the entire Tigers team in this Series; as a team, they never got the bats off their shoulders.

The Fact That May Shock You:  If Buster Posey and Miguel Cabrera go on to win the MVP awards in their respective leagues, it would be the first time both MVP winners hit home runs in a World Series game since Kirk Gibson and Jose Canseco did it in Game 1 in 1988.

Project Rebuild: The Minnesota Twins

In this series, we here at Dubsism will investigate failing franchises and assume the role of general manager in order to return these franchises to past glory. In today’s installment, J-Dub will tackle the challenges facing the Minnesota Twins.

Granted, the Twins are already making roster moves; for example, they’ve already declined the option on Matt Capps and have made some moves on the 40-man roster.  Regardless of what the Twins have already done and may do in the future, this is what I would do with the team as it existed at the end of the regular season to turn this team around.

The Problem:

Over the last five years, the Twins have gone from a high-talent, low-payroll team to a low-talent, high payroll team.

The Solution:

As obvious as it sounds, this team needs a top-to-bottom overhaul. This team needs to get out from under some heavy contracts, get some new leadership, and a revamp in the “on the field” philosophy.

The Plan:

The General Manager:

Terry Ryan is not the guy for this job long-term; that’s obvious. My plan of action here is to form a search committee to find a general manager who knows how to do the following:

1. Get people who know how to spot and acquire talent
2. Get another group of people in the minors who know how to develop talent
3. Be a manager who can control a budget

That sounds like a pipe-dream, but there are some guys out there right now who have a proven track record in those three areas. I’m a big believer in executive talent, and I’m willing to spend the money to get the right guy.

• Ned Colletti

I’ll admit, my odds of getting this guy to leave the Dodgers now that he has ownership with unlimited resources are somewhere between slim and none.  Colletti built a winner in San Francisco in the late 90s with an owner who didn’t want to spend money. He also laid the foundation for the Giants club which won the 2010 World Series and made the NLCS this season.

Since 2005, Ned Colletti has been the general manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers. He’s largely responsible for the Dodgers remaining credible on the field during the disastrous Frank McCourt era.

• Neal Huntington

This is the guy who I think I could get on the reasonably cheap.  Huntington is a general managers who has taken more of a “sabermetrics” approach to valuing players and it has paid off for the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Like it or not, the team has improved since he took over in 2008.

• Doug Melvin

In Texas, Melvin created the Rangers team that reached the playoffs for the first time in franchise history.  Melvin is also responsible for the Brewers’ team that made the playoffs for the first time in 30 years in 2011.

The Manager:

The Twins have already fired all their coaches, but they didn’t go far enough.  Ron Gardenhire’s time in Minnesota needs to be over.  It’s too late to hire Terry Francona, and I have no idea why the Twins just gave him a two-year contract extension. I really don’t want to buy out a manager’s contract on a team I’m not expecting to contend in the next two years, so Gardenhire stays as a lame-duck, at least until the next time I need a scapegoat.

There’s one thing the Twins have done correctly regardless of the performance on the field. They have had only two managers in the past 25 years, and it is far easier to do the kind of rebuilding this team needs on a stable platform. That’s why I’m undertaking a two-stage, long-term approach.

Stage One involves hiring a manager who will have the job from the end of the Gardenhire era until my future manager-in-training is ready for the job.  The guy I want for that job is Paul Molitor. I’m not going to make the same mistake the Cubs made with Ryne Sandberg.   Right now, I’ve got a Hall-of-Famer who has been a part of the organization for over a decade who would make a great manager for a rebuilding team. The deal would be Molitor is the face of the team in the dugout, then when it is time to transition to Stage Two, he gets a big-time front office job.

Stage Two involves getting my manager-in-training into the organization in either 2013 or 2014.  The ideal candidate is a recently or soon-to-be retired player with at least a decade of major league service time, had been in several organizations so he’s seen various ways of doing things and can pick the best traits from each, and catchers will have a preference because I want a long-term guy who know how to handle young pitchers, because not only is he going to deal with a lot of them in the minors while he is the manager-in-training, but once he gets to the show, he will still be dealing with them because one of the ways I will be controlling payroll is to make the Twins farm system to young pitchers what mountain slopes in Peru are to cocaine (Chairman Marple, here’s your shot at some “Molitor” jokes placed on a tee for you…)

The candidate I have in mind for this manager-in-training role is Rod Barajas (details come later, since he is still under contract to the Pittsburgh Pirates).  He meets all the criteria, plus unlike the rest of the Twins’ leadership structure, he isn’t lily white. This matters because the future of baseball isn’t lily white either. The important part is that Barajas is well-respected in baseball circles, and is considered by many to ba a manager waiting to happen.  The plan is to get him into the organization now, so that when he retires as a player, he can go directly to coaching in the minors with the goal of eventually becoming the skipper of the big-league club.

The Team:

The over-arching philosophy is I’m building this team around pitching and defense.  That means there are going to be some big changes.

• Part One: Joe Must Go

I know this is the part that will make Twins’ fans think I’m just trolling for some nasty comments, but as a general manager tasked with rebuilding this team, I’m faced with one over-arching fact. I get Joe Mauer is top-shelf talent. I get the fact that he is the home-town hero. But I also get that I’m rebuilding a team with limited payroll, and I can’t afford having 25% of my total payroll stuck in one player.

The hard financial fact is that I’m committed to $23 million a year through 2018 on Mauer, and my total payroll is now at $94 million. That has to change, because as great as Mauer is, he can only fill one spot in the batting order.

The Deal:

In an off-season deal, I’m making the following trade with the San Francisco Giants.

The Giants get:

1. Joe Mauer, C/1B – (2012: .319, 10 HR, 85 RBI); Contract: $23 million per year through 2018
2. Denard Span, CF – (2012: .283, 4 HR, 41 RBI); Contract: 2012:$3 million, 2013: $4.75 million, 2014: $6.5 million, 2015: $9 million club option with a $500,000 buyout

The Twins get:

1. Madison Bumgarner, SP – (2012: 16-11, 3.37 ERA); Contract: 2012: $560,000, 2013: $750,000, 2014:$3.75 million, 2015: $6.75 million, 2016: $9.75 million, 2017: $11.5 million, 2018:  $12 million club option with a $1.5 million buyout (2018 option guaranteed with 200 innings pitched in 2017  or 400 innings pitched combined in 2016 and 2017, options increase to $14 million with top 3 finish in the Cy Young vote anywhere between 2012 and 2017, or to #16 million if he wins the Cy Young award in that time), 2019: $12 million club option.  Contract has limited no-trade protection; Bumgarner may block deals to eight clubs.
2. Sergio Romo, RP – (2012: 4-2, 14 Saves, 1.79 ERA); Contract: 2012: $1.575 million, 2013: arbitration eligible). To avoid arbitration, offering 3 years, $9 million with option for 2016. 2013: $2.25 million, 2014: $2.75 million, 2015: $4 million, 2016: club option for $5.5 million, option becomes mutual if Romo saves more than 45 games in any season from 2013 to 2015 or if he is traded.  No buyout on options unless it becomes a mutual option, at which point the buyout becomes $5 million.
3. Pablo Sandoval,3B/1B (2012: .283, 12 HR, 63 RBI); Contract: 2013: $5.7 million, 2014: $8.25 million

Why This Deal Works:

Believe it or not, this trade was conceived before Sandoval’s historic performance in last night’s World Series Game 1. The Giants have a ton of pitching, but they have struggled with consistency in production at first base and could use a defensive upgrade in center field.  Both teams have bad contracts they would love to get rid of, but both would live with a bad contract in an area they sorely need. Not only do the Twins need pitching of all sorts, but Bumgarner could always be moved at a trade deadline despite his limited trade protection, not to mention the buy-out option in 2018.  I’m even willing to restructure Sandoval’s deal until at least 2018, so long as the club gets a buyout clause which allows a buyout of his contract at that season’s major-league minimum salary if his weight exceeds a certain number.

• Part Two: Let’s Make A Deal

Let’s be honest, there’s really no point in waiting until July to entertain offers for Justin Morneau. In fact, I’m not sure why Terry Ryan didn’t push the deal to the Dodgers that was on the table before Los Angeles blew all their money on the Red Sox quarter-billion dollar salary dump.

Playing GM of the Twins, Morneau means a guy to whom  I’m paying him a ton of money ($15 million this year, to be exact), he’s a valuable commodity, he’s a free agent after this year, and let’s be even more honest…I’m not in the market to gamble on a concussed former MVP who just can’t seem to stay healthy.

The Deal:

Morneau is a used car, and I’m willing to make a deal. He’s relatively low mileage, and he’s got a performance engine, but there have been some major repairs, and we just don’t know how reliable he’s going to be down the road.  I’m not at “best offer” territory yet, but the rest of the world knows that I get closer to that point with every passing day, because on July 31st, 2013, Morneau’s trade value starts depreciating rapidly due to the “desperation factor.”

In an off-season deal, I’m making the following trade with the Tampa Rays.

The Rays get:

1. Matt Capps, RP – (2012: 1-4, 14 Saves, 3.68 ERA); Contract: 1 year, $4.75 million (with cption for $2.5 million for 2013,, exercising the option and trading him)
2. Sam Deduno, SP – (2012: 6-5, 4.44 ERA); Contract: 2013: 1 year, $480,000
3. Justin Morneau, 1B/DH – (2012: .267, 19 HR, 77 RBI); Contract: 6 years, $80 million: 2013: $14 million
4. Anthony Swarzak, RP – (2012: 3-6, 5.03 ERA); Contract: 2013: 1 year, $480,000

The Twins get:

1. David Price, SP – (2012: 20-5, 2.56 ERA); Contract: 1 year, $4.35 million, 2013: arbitration eligible.  To avoid arbitration, offering 4 years, $52.5 million with incentives on innings pitched and wins; all salary numbers increase by 20% for all years after a Cy Young and/or MVP win.  No-trade clause expires after 2015, can be re-instated with a $3 million buy-back on 2016 salary. 2013: $9.5 million, 2014: $11.75 million, 2015:  $14.75 million, 2016: $16.75 million
2. Burke Badenhop, RP – (2012: 3-2, 3.03 ERA); Contract: 1 year, $1.075 million, 2013: arbitration eligible. To avoid arbitration, offering 3 years, $5 million. 2013: $1.25 million, 2014: $1.75 million, 2015: $2 million
3. Hak Ju Lee, SS (Minors)

Why This Deal Works:

The Rays are afraid of arbitration with Price, who just won 20 games. The Rays also have a ton of young pitching talent whom they have under contract. This deal allows them to upgrade at first base while not re-signing Carlos Pena. Realistically, it only costs them a young reliever and a prospect.  In return, along with a one-time MVP, they get two decent young pitchers and a veteran presence in Capps.

• Part Three:  The Daily Double – A Veteran Back-up Catcher who is also the Manager-In-Training

In an off-season deal, I’m making the following trade with the Pittsburgh Pirates.

The Pirates get:

1. Jeff Manship – RP (2012: 0-0, 7.89 ERA); Contract: 2013:  1 year, $480,000
2. P. J. Walters – SP (2012: 2-5. 5.69 ERA); Contract: 2013: 1 year, $480,000

The Twins get:

1. Rod Barajas – C (2012: .206, 11 HR, 31 RBI); Contract: 2013: club option for $3.5 million with no buyout; option becomes mutual if Barajas is traded.  Matching the option number plus add a provisional contract as a minor league coach with a 5 year guarantee at $500,000 per year with a time line that Barajas either becomes the major league manager or is released after the coaching contract expires.

Why This Deal Works:

The Twins get a veteran back-up catcher who still has a little thump left in his bat, and the Pirates get to ditch a salary in exchange for two prospects.

• Part Four: Adios, Muchachos…

1. Scott Baker, SP – (DNP in 2012); – Contract: 4 years, $15.25 million (with club option for $9.5 million for 2013) – Declining the option
2. Sean Burroughs, 3B – (2012: 18 Plate Appearances);  Contract: 1 year, $480,000 – Outright release
3. Brian Duensing, RP – (2012: 4-12, 5.12 ERA); Contract: 1 year, $515,000, 2013: arbitration eligible – Outright release
4. Liam Hendriks, SP – (2012: 1-8, 5.59 ERA); Contract: 1 year, $515,000 –  Outright release
5. Carl Pavano, SP – (2012: 2-5, 6.00 ERA); Contract: 2 years, $16.5 million – Not re-signing

• Part Five: Guys I’m Stuck With, But Who Likely Will Be Getting Their Mail Somewhere Else in 2014

1. Nick Blackburn, SP – (2012: 4-9, 7.39 ERA); Contract: 4 years, $14 million, 2013: $5.5 million, 2014: club option for $8 million  - Opens 2013 season as fifth starter.
2. Alexi Casilla, IF – (2012: .241, 1 HR, 30 RBI) ; Contract: 2012: 1 year, $1.38 million, 2013: arbitration eligible.  To avoid arbitration, offering 1 year, $2.55 million
3. Jamey Carroll, IF – (2012: .268, 1 HR, 40 RBI);  Contract: 2 years, $6.75 million;  2012:  $2.75 million, 2013: $4 million 2014: option for $2.5 million; option becomes player option with no buyout if Carroll gets 401 or more plate appearances in 2013)

• Part Five: Guys That Are Staying On The Roster

1. Jared Burton, RP – (3-2, 2.18 ERA); Contract: 2012: 1 year, $750,000. Offering 2 years, $2.25 million, 2013: $1 million. 2014: $1.25 million
2. Drew Butera, C – (.198, 1 HR, 5 RBI); Contract: 2012: Minor League Contract, 2013: arbitration eligible.  Will not avoid arbitration, outrighting Butera to AAA Rochester after arbitration, keeping him on 40-man roster.
3. Cole De Vries, SP – (5-5, 4.11 ERA); Contract: 2012: 1 year, $480,000. Offering 3 years, $4 million with club options in 2016 and 2017. 2013: $750,000, 2014: $1.5 million, 2015: $2 million, 2016: club option at $2.75 million with no buyout, 2017: club option for $3.25 million with $500,000 buyout
4. Scott Diamond, SP – (12-9, 3.54 ERA); Contract: 2012: 1 year, $480,000. Offering 3 years, $4 million with club options in 2016 and 2017. 2013: $750,000, 2014: $1.5 million, 2015: $2 million, 2016: club option at $2.75 million with no buyout, 2017: club option for $3.25 million with $500,000 buyout
5. Brian Dozier, SS – (.234, 6 HR, 33 RBI); Contract: 2012: minor leagues, 2013: 1 year, $480,000
6. Eduardo Escobar, IF – (.227, 0 HR, 6 RBI); Contract: 2012: 1 year, $480,000 2013: 1 year, $480,000.  Outrighting Escobar to AAA Rochester, keeping him on 40-man roster.
7. Casey Fein, RP – (2-1, 2.06 ERA); Contract: 2012: minor leagues, 2013: 1 year, $480,000
8. Darin Mastroianni, OF – (.252, 3 HR, 17 RBI); Contract: 2012: minor leagues, 2013: 1 year, $480,000
9. Chris Parmalee, 1B/3B – (.229, 5 HR, 20 RBI); Contract: 2012: minor leagues, 2013: 1 year, $480,000
10. Trevor Plouffe, 3B – (.235, 24 HR, 55 RBI); Contract: 2012: 1 year, $480,000. Offering 3 years, $4 million with club options in 2016 and 2017. 2013: $750,000, 2014: $1.5 million, 2015: $2 million, 2016: club option at $2.75 million with no buyout, 2017: club option for $3.25 million with $500,000 buyout
11. Ben Revere, OF – (.294, 0 HR, 32 RBI); Contract: 2012: 1 year, $492.000 - Offering 3 years, $4 million with club options in 2016 and 2017. 2013: $750,000, 2014: $1.5 million, 2015: $2 million, 2016: club option at $2.75 million with no buyout, 2017: club option for $3.25 million with $500,000 buyout
12. Kyle Waldrop, RP – (0-1, 2.53 ERA); 2012: 1 year, $480,000, 2013: 1 year, $480,000

• Part Six: Free Agent Shopping List

1. Mike Napoli, C/1B – (.227, 24 HR, 56 RBI); Contract: 2012: 1 year, $9.4 million (Texas Rangers) – Offering 2 years, $22 million; 2013: $10 million, 2014: $12 million. Incentive clauses that kick in at .275 batting average, 25 home runs, 80 RBI, or 400 at-bats.
2. Cody Ross, OF – (Stats); Contract: 2012: 1 year, $3 million (Boston Red Sox) – Offering 3 years, $14.25 million; 2013: $4.25 million, 2014: $4.5 million. 2015: $5.5 million

The Bottom Line:

After enacting these moves the Twins would have several positive factors they currently do not have:

• A proven general manager
• The payroll has been cut from $95 milllion to $71 million, while adding more bats, pitching, and defense
• The Mauer Dividend: future financial commitments have been cut by 50%, allowing for the resigning of current talent and/or being active on the free-agent market
• A plan for a long-term manager and front office team

Let’s face it…anything’s is better than spending nearly a million dollars per loss.

 

The Dubsism 2012 World Series Preview

 Now that the League Championship Series are complete, it is time to look forward to tomorrow night when the 2013 World Series will begin. The Giants will be making their 19th World Series appearance; their second in the last years and third in the last ten.

They will be facing the Detroit Tigers, who are in the Fall Classic for the eleventh time, and this appearance is their first since 2006, and only their second since their most recent World Series win in 1984.

Despite the fact these are two of the oldest franchises in baseball, this marks the first time they have met in the World Series.

Despite all that, it is time for a patented Dubsism breakdown of what we can expect from these two teams competing for Major League Baseballs’ ultimate prize.

We’ve been covering baseball all season, so it only makes sense to see what we’ve been saying about these teams all season long.

San Francisco Giants:

What We Originally Said:

Upside: The San Francisco Giants have one of the best pitching staffs in baseball. Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, and Madison Bumgarner form one of the best 1-2-3 combinations in the game.

Downside: The San Francisco Giants have one of the worst offenses in baseball. With the losses of Cody Ross and Carlos Beltran, this team may find itself relying on a 3-4-5 heart of the order consisting of Pablo Sandoval, Buster Posey, and Brandon Belt.

The Mid-Season Haiku:

Pitching carries team

Even though Lincecum sucks

Melky keys offense

The Late Season Run-Down:

When Melky Cabrera got suspended, the prevailing wisdom was the Giants’ offense would implode. Rather, the Giants hit a season-high on Monday being 19 games above .500, and offense is having no problems scoring despite the fact they are last in the National League in home runs.  Matt Cain said it best:

“All these guys are finding different ways to get on base, drawing out the at-bats or getting a hit or walk. They’re doing a good job getting timely hitting.”

Detroit Tigers:

What We Originally Said:

Upside: Last season, the Motor City Kitties finished in the top four in runs scored, batting average, on-base and slugging percentage. The numbers can only get better with the off-season acquisition of first baseman Prince Fielder, who just happens to be a career .282 hitter averaging over 32 home runs and 93 RBI per season over the last six years.

Downside: How does the move of Cabrera back to third base work out? What will be the impact of losing DH Victor Martinez? And I’m not sold on the rotation beyond Justin Verlander and Doug Fister.

The Mid-Season Haiku:

Slugger’s paradox

Cabrera and Fielder

Yet team lacks power

The Late Season Run-Down:

Rick Porcello needs to sue the Tigers offense for non-support.  Porcello hasn’t seen a Tiger touch the plate in 23 innings in which he’s pitched. The shutout run began with the sixth inning of Porcello’s start Aug. 12 at Texas, continued through the next 17 innings of three starts and through the first five innings of a start at Comerica Park against Cleveland.

Steroids Prove America Is A Nation of Selective Over-Reacters

 

I’ve said multiple times on this blog that I think the whole steroid argument is a bunch of crap.  Whether or not you believe that, there’s no denying the current situation with Lance Armstrong, when viewed against some other past instances, proves the typical American sports fan is a selective over-reactor when it comes to this subject.

To illustrate that point, this argument is broken into three distinct parts:

1) The Part Where We Feign Moral Outrage:

This part is defined by two words…Lance Armstrong.

Here’s a guy who we Americans elevated to hero status not because anybody gives a shit about cycling, but because he was good at pointing how much the French suck at everything.  They can’t even cheat properly.

In June 2012, the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) charged Armstrong with having used performance enhancing drugs, and in August they announced a lifetime ban from competition as well as the stripping of all titles. This sanction however has yet to be ratified by the Union Cycliste International (UCI), the sports international governing body. At this point, that seems like a formality, but ultimately it really doesn’t matter.

What matters is that Armstrong’s name now goes right next to those of Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, namely as guys who became selected targets to be whipping boys in sports that were awash in PEDs. Just like the Mitchell Report and Jose Conseco blew the whistle on the rampant using of PEDs in baseball, such activities in cycling are not news, nor are they a secret; here’s the list of just the guys we know about.

• Alex Zülle – Part of the Festina affair, a doping scandal surrounding the 1998 Tour de France. He admitted to taking EPO (but only to make his sponsors happy, he said).
• Jan Ullrich – He was banned from the Tour de France in 2006 amid doping speculation, and was stripped of his 2005 third-place finish as a result. Was named in the Operación Puerto (Operation Mountain Pass) case, a doping network run by Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes. In 2012, Ullrich admitted to working with Dr. Fuentes, saying it was a mistake.
• Joseba Beloki –  Implicated in the 2006 Operación Puerto doping case (though was later cleared).
• Andreas Klöden –  Allegedly visited the Freiburg University Clinic during the 2006 Tour de France for an illegal blood transfusion.
• Ivan Basso  - Involved in the Operación Puerto doping case, banned two years for “attempted doping.” He eventually “widely acknowledged his responsibilities” in connection with Operation Puerto and offered “full cooperation.”
• Alberto Contador – Stripped of his 2010 title after he was found guilty of doping. That title then went to Andy Schleck … whose brother, Frank, found himself in his own doping controversy during this year’s Tour.

Then, there’s the Floyd Landis case. Not only was this guy a PED user, he may also very well be a con artist.

What gets lost in all of this hub-bub over steroid and doping first surfaced during the Landis case…fund-raising under what may be less than honest circumstances.  Landis is also in deep with the Justice Department because Landis established the Floyd Fairness Fund, which was intended to be little more than a donation fund for his defending against doping charges, which he falsely claimed were untrue.  It is very possible he may go to jail over this matter.

“Landis ‘knowingly participated in a scheme or plan to defraud … money or property by means of false or fraudulent pretenses, representations or promises.’  Had he told the truth about his past, extensive use of doping, the prosecutors reasoned, at least some donors would not have been willing to help fund his defense.”

Now, look at Armstrong’s situation. On Wednesday, he announced he was stepping down as chairman of the Livestrong Foundation, which is reported to have raised in the neighborhood of $500 million for cancer research, treatment and support.

To really understand the Armstrong, let’s walk through it step-by-step.

First off, after two years, federal prosecutors dropped their doping investigation of Armstrong in February, with no charges filed.  But then in June, the USADA picked up where they left off, accusing Armstrong of using EPO, blood doping, testosterone, corticosteroids, and masking agents. The USADA claimed they had blood samples from 2009 and 2010 that were “fully consistent with blood ma­nipu­la­tion including EPO use and/or blood transfusions.”

Stop me if any if this (cough, Roger Clemens’ case, cough…) sounds familiar.

Armstrong responded with the accusation that the USADA was violating their own rules while one of the doctors implicated in case denied the claims, claiming “These charges are the same as those which the Justice Department decided not to pursue after a two-year investigation.” Lance filed a lawsuit against the USADA on July 9, but it was thrown out by a judge the same day.

So Armstrong filed another lawsuit the very next day , but that suit got tossed on August 20.  It needs to be noted that the judge who threw out the lawsuit also was suspicious of the USADA, saying “It is difficult to avoid the conclusion that USADA is motivated more by politics and a desire for media attention than faithful adherence to its obligations.”

I didn’t realize Bud Selig and Roger Goodell were members of the USADA. But I digress…

As a result of the dismissal of the lawsuit, Armstrong had until Thursday night to enter arbitration, but instead he opted to simply drop the case, releasing a statement on his website essentially saying “enough is enough.”

“I have been dealing with claims that I cheated and had an unfair advantage in winning my seven Tours since 1999. Over the past three years, I have been subjected to a two-year federal criminal investigation followed by Travis Tygart’s unconstitutional witch hunt. The toll this has taken on my family, and my work for our foundation and on me leads me to where I am today – finished with this nonsense.”

After all this, the following day the USADA pounced.  Despite never showing any physical evidence, and by securing testimonies of other riders in exchange for lessened penalties (cough, Jonathan Vilma’s case, cough…), and ignoring the fact  some of those riders had personal vendettas against Armstrong, and despite the fact the USADA’s jurisdiction to act on this matter is questionable at best, they stripped Lance Armstrong of his seven Tour de France titles and banned him for life.  I’m not sure what point banning a retired guy makes, but I know the crucial point it misses.

In the finest traditions of Selig, Goodell, the NCAA, and any of the other hypocritical and ultimately impotent regulatory bodies ruling sport today, the USADA has simultaneously acted while completely failing to address the problem.

Unless the USADA has a time-machine, their decision does not change what happened years ago.  It sure as hell doesn’t help clean up cycling.  All it really does is show they are capable of making an example out of a supposed cheater.

In other words, even if the allegations about Armstrong prove to be true, that means the USADA made an example out of Armstrong the cheater, who beat all the other cheaters. Now that they stripeed him of those seven titles, there’s no way of knowing they didn’t just hand that so-called victory to another juicer.

So what’s this all mean? In short…not a goddamn thing. Why? Consider the following.

What happens if the allegations against Armstrong prove true? What happens if it turns out Livestrong was used as a front to fund a world-class organized doping operation? You would think this country would be up in arms over somebody using a cancer charity for a nefarious and/or self-serving purpose. But Americans won’t care about that. They will pretend to care about the “integrity of sport,” but won’t give a frog’s watertight ass about exploiting human suffering and death profit.

How do I know that? The NFL has been awash in PEDs and profiting from breast cancer for years, and nobody gives a shit.

2) The Part Where We Don’t Care: The NFL

For those of you who don’t remember, Houston Texans linebacker won the 2010 Defensive Rookie of the Year Award.  He then that award stripped when it was discovered he had tested positive substance.  But when the same writers who are so adept at creating the steroid boogie-man were give a chance to re-vote the award, they gave it it to Cushing AGAIN.

First of all,  Cushing is the third winner of the NFL’s Defensive Rookie of the Year Award to test positive for the use of PED’s  in the past ten years (Julius Peppers and Shawne Merriman).

Second, many people don’t know that it took nearly a year for the NFL to act on Cushing’s positive test.  Prior to the 2009 NFL regular season and we find that Brian Cushing failed a test in September for a substance on the NFL’s banned list, but thanks to various appeals and general red tape, no action was taken until after the season. Compare this to baseball, where there is such a rush to be seen to act that due process and proper procedure is tossed out the window.  Even ESPN’s own coverage of this story almost breaks it’s own leg running to make sure you know steroids are really a cycling and baseball problem.

Thanks to ESPN and it’s ilk, football is portrayed as having it’s PED house in better order than baseball, despite the NFL can’t pass the “look how yoked up those dudes are” test that gets applied so liberally to baseball.

Granted, it isn’t hard to figure out that the sheer violent nature of football allows the “survival of the fittest” mentality from those who, from the safety of their sofas, demand entertainment through sheer brutality; a quality baseball most assuredly does not provide.  This may be why steroids have been a tolerated part of the NFL since the 1960s.

Make no mistake, they were then, and still are tolerated. Baseball players who test positive get calls for asterisks next to their names, or that they be banished all together. I have yet to hear such calls for the Pittsburgh Steeler dynasty of the 1970s, where there was widespread use of PEDs. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for them, either.

Trusting these two guys to solve a problem is like shooting out all your light bulbs so the sun will go down.

To be honest, it is the guy on the couch who IS the asterisk.  They are the reason there is no outrage about steroids in football. The reason is rather simple. Most football fans don’t understand baseball, so by using the same suppositions which have been proven true about football, they get to think they have something meaningful to say.

To put it simply, football is a sport about bigger, stronger, faster.   The very nature of football relies on size and raw strength.  Steroids definitely help those qualities. To gaze upon your average NFL player and see nothing but the work of genetic good fortune and hours in the weight room requires a level of blindness only bias can provide.

In contrast, baseball is a sport which relies on hand-eye coordination, which steroids definitely do not help.  If that weren’t true, ask yourself this question. How is it during the steroid era, not one average player suddenly became a Hall-of-Famer?  Barry Bonds won 4 MVP awards before the “steroid era,” and Mickey Morandini stayed Mickey Morandini.

What really ought to concern football fans is that steroids will ultimately destroy the game.  Let’s be honest, there has to be a correlation between the use of anabolic steroids for purposes of creating bigger, stronger, and stronger football players and the increase in the number and severity of on-field injuries. PEDs can turn a man into a 250-pound mass of turbo-charged muscle, but the don’t help the brain protect itself from the impacts those leviathans dish out.

Boil it all down to gravy, and what you get is the fact that while the NFL does test for PEDs, but when those tests turn up positive, it’s back-page stuff; there’s none of the screaming for immediate execution like you get when it happens in baseball.  Not only was there the aforementioned Brian Cushing situation, but Shawne Merriman was elected to the Pro Bowl after testing positive in 2006.

After all that, the point remains…despite what we know about steroid use in football, it’s the baseball players who are subjected to public scorn and derision far than anybody in the NFL. If Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire were football players, they would be in the Hall of Fame, no questions asked.

To make a long story short, the problem the baseball steroid moralists ignore is that PEDs in football most definitely have a greater effect on competitive integrity than they do in baseball, they’ve been around far longer in football, which is why they certainly are a contributing factor to football being a far more dangerous game than it was 30 years ago.

Where’s the outrage over that?

3) The Part Where We Over-React: The Melky Cabrera Situation

FACT: Melky Cabrera broke the rules.

FACT:  Melky Cabrera got caught, and served his sentence.

FACT: Melky Cabrera is not the first, nor will he be the last, because…

FACT:  Sports are now, have always been, and always will be, based on cheating.

Melky Cabrera tested positive for testosterone, and he got suspended.  But for too many of the self-appointed steroid moralists, that just isn’t good enough.

For some (usually those who turn their back on the same stuff in football) want Bud Selig to channel his inner Roger Goodell and just start making up Draconian punishments “for the good of the game.”

As an example, I offer CBS Sports pointy-head Gregg Doyel, who never met a blanket assertion he didn’t love.

Have the Giants known all season that Cabrera was juicing? I can’t say that. But I can say this: They didn’t want to know.

Seriously, what good would it do the Giants in May, as Melky Cabrera was embarking on the hottest month of his mediocre career, to wonder aloud how in the world he was doing it? That month Cabrera hit .429 with an OPS of 1.104. Hone in a bit more, and from May 4 to June 1 he hit .445 with a 1.175 OPS. For a month, middling Melky Cabrera was Mickey Freaking Mantle. When the month was over, Cabrera’s batting average — for the season — sat at .376.

To repeat, Melky Carew Cabrera was hitting .376 on June 1. Hell, he was still hitting .346 when it was announced that he had failed a drug test and would be suspended 50 games.

There’s two big assertions right off the bat, so to speak. First, Doyel admits he has now way of knowing whether or not the Giants knew about Cabrera, but that doesn’t stop him from braking the the “guilt by association” broad brush.  I can’t wait to see how many comments I get that will do exactly the same thing.

Then there’s the part where Doyel shows his general ignorance of baseball. He compares Cabrera to Rod Carew, then to Mickey Mantle.  That ‘s is comparing apples, to oranges, to a lugwrench. Either way, Doyel uses those stupid comparisons to ignore the fact that Cabrera’s performance could easily be explained by the fact that as a Giant, he’s playing the majority of his games in NL West parks, all of which are huge and have huge alleys, which are well-suited to a gap-hitter like Cabrera. After all, it isn’t like all of a sudden he was hitting 40 homers.

But, wait…Doyel gets even more self-righteous.

No team should be able to reap the rewards of a cheating player. Not anymore. Not in today’s baseball, which claims to be trying so hard, and caring so much, about the integrity of its game.

You want to show integrity, baseball? Don’t just punish the player when he gets caught cheating. Punish the team that won all those games unfairly.

Don’t forget Doyel already admits that he has now way of knowing that a team would be aware of a player’s cheating, but he still wants to punish everybody, lumping in the guilty with the innocent and tossing them all into the steroid moralists’ prison.

Not to mention, I would love to see how this sort of punishment gets past the player’s union in ANY sport, let alone baseball.

Then there’s the really fun part. When will I see this same call applied to football? I’ll die waiting for that to happen.

For the life of me, I can’t understand why any of these dopes don’t see the real problem. You can wave a magic wand and asterisk the whole record book if you want, it still doesn’t hit the real motivation…money.  Sport is the purest meritocracy there is, and if you want to remove the concept of cheating for purposes of financial gain, you have to make the risk far outweigh the reward.

You want to end the use of PEDs in sports? Forget about suspensions. Go with real punishments, say something like a $10 million fine for a first offense, and no chance of re-instatement until the fine is paid.  Yeah, don’t bother telling me about how the unions would never go for that…but that brings us to the point of what needs to happen if you really want this problem solved.  Through whatever means, the leagues, the owners, the unions, and more importantly the fans, all have to get on the same page. Crying about the use of PEDs in sports while you keep buying tickets rings a bit hollow.

Generalizations and over-reactions don’t help, and being selective about which sports in which you will accept cheating makes it even worse.

Is Derek Jeter The Greatest Yankee Ever?

Apologies in advance for the “Mothership“- style lead, but this question came up in a conversation and I really  think it has some probative value.

At first it sounds ridiculous, but if you stop to think about it, no matter what you think of Derek Jeter and the Yankees, there’s really no question that the current Yankee captain is headed for the Hall of Fame and the Yankee’s Monument Park.  Having said that, it seems logical to wonder where does Jeter rank amongst those Yankees of yore?

First of all, this is about everyday players, not pitchers.  Let ESPN try to convince you that Andy Pettitte is the greatest Yankee pitcher ever because he won the most post-season  games.

Secondly, this list only considers players who spent at minimum something at least close to half their careers in pinstripes.  That’s why there’s no Reggie Jackson on this list. To make the list of ten finalists, both myself and Dick Marple, the Chairman of the Dubsism Advisory Board compiled a list of who we thought could be considered as the greatest Yankees ever.

Third, and most importantly, don’t forget that both J-Dub and Marple are avowed haters of all things Yanqui. But the question has been asked on several other outlets, and so we felt it necessary to settle it.

Marple’s List:

1. Babe Ruth
2. Lou Gehrig
3. Mickey Mantle
4. Joe DiMaggio
5. Yogi Berra
6. Derek Jeter *
7. Robinson Cano**
8. Bill Dickey
9. Don Mattingly
10. Tie – Earle Combs, Tommy Henrich, Bob Meusel, Tony Lazzeri, Phil Rizzuto

* Shoot me now. I really do want to see him die on the field after being struck by lightning.

** Could end up as high as 6 or even 5-if he stays healthy, stays in NY and doesn’t turn into a total asshole.

*** Can’t vote for anyone who became a Y because of their economic advantage over other teams who discovered talent. Therefore no A-Rod, Dave Winfield, or Reggie Jackson.

****Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but I liked Bernie Williams as a player and fantasy league guy, but I just don’t think he was a big impact player.

Editor’s note: It should be noted that less than 48 hours after we posed this question to Mr. Marple, Jeter shattered his ankle.

J-Dub’s List:

1. Babe Ruth
2. Lou Gehrig
3. Mickey Mantle
4. Derek Jeter
5. Joe DiMaggio
6. Tie -Alex Rodriguez, Bill Dickey
7. Yogi Berra
8. Dave Winfield
9. Don Mattingly
10. Bernie Williams

From those lists, a list of ten finalists was assembled.  Here’s the synopsis on those finalists, presented in alphabetical order:

1) Yogi Berra:

No single player in baseball history has more World Series rings than Yogi Berra.  Having played 18 seasons as a Yankee, Yogi played in 14 World Series and won 10 of them, making him the winning champion in Major League Baseball history.

Berra was a fan favorite; he was one of the most beloved players in all of New York sports history. To this day he is an icon to Yankee fans everywhere, largely because he was  one of the greatest catchers of all time.  Berra hit 358 home runs and knocked in 1,430 RBIs. He won three MVP titles, including back-to-back awards in 1954 and 1955. He also played in 15 consecutive All-Star games.

2) Joe DiMaggio:

DiMaggio is obviously one of the greatest hitters of all time; his greatest achievement being his legendary 56-game hitting streak, which is believed by many to be an unbreakable record.  A three-time MVP, DiMaggio hit .325 with 361 home runs and 1,537 RBI. Unfortunately, his  career was interrupted by WWII, his military service took three years out of his baseball career.

In 13 seasons as a Yankee, DiMaggio won nine World Series championships, and he was an All-Star in every season of his career. However,

3) Lou Gehrig:

Lou Gehrig was often over-shadowed by the monstrous numbers of Babe Ruth, but make no mistake…Gehrig was one of the all-time greats in all of baseball all on his own. Gehrig hit 493 home runs and drove in 1,995 runs while scoring 1,888 runs himself.  He had a .340 career average with 2,721 hits over his 17 seasons as a Yankee.  He won two MVP awards and played in only seven All-Star games, but you have to remember the All-Star game wasn’t around until Gehrig’s last seven seasons.

4) Derek Jeter:

Before his ankle injury the other night, Derek Jeter was considered by many to be the next player to be able to reach 4,000 hits.  Regardless of what happens regarding the rest of his career, Jeter has become as much of a Yankee icon as any other on this list.

Of all the accomplished players on this list, Jeter is the only member of the 3,000 hit club.  He was named the 11th captain of the Yankees in 2003, making him the first since Don Mattingly retired in 1995.

Jeter also holds several Yankee franchise record, including most hits and plate appearances, most games played, and stolen bases.

5) Don Mattingly:

The 1985 MVP, Mattingly played his entire career with the Yankees and was the captain of the team from 1991 through the end of his career in 1995. Unlike the other players on this list, Mattingly played in a down for the Bronx Bombers. Despite his individual success, the team did not endure the same success.  The 1980s were the only decade so far in which the Yankees did not win a World Series title.

6) Mickey Mantle:

“The Mick” was the end of a line of legendary Yankee heroes, from Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, through Joe DiMaggio, and to the end of his career.  No one was there to pick up where Mantle left off in the late ’60s and the Yankees went into a World Series drought, not winning one from 1962 till 1977.  Mantle belted 536 home runs with 1,509 RBI, while scoring 1,677 runs, and was arguable the greatest switch-hitter of all time.

7) Alex Rodriguez:

Forget about the steroid thing for a minute…of you are a regular reader of this blog, you know what I think of the whole steroid issue. Alex Rodriguez is one of the greatest players of all-time, regardless of how the writers and the other self-appointed steroid moralists care to view him. To date, he has 2,901 hits, 647 home runs and 1.950 RBIs.

8) Babe Ruth:

It’s pretty hard to argue that Babe Ruth is not the greatest player to ever wear the pinstripes. Before he became a Yankee, Ruth was a pitcher for the Red Sox who had a record of 89-46 with a 2.19 ERA.

Then the Yankees figured out he might be able to hit.  Over his 15 seasons in the Bronx, Babe Ruth hit 659 home runs, had 1,971 RBI, scored 1,959 runs, walked 1,852 times, and hit .349. That pretty much says it all.

9) Bernie Williams:

Bernie Williams played his entire 16-season career in pinstripes and was a key member to the recent dynasty years, winning four World Series titles with the Yankees.  Williams hit .297 with 287 home runs and 1,257 RBI.   He also scored 1,366 runs and had 2,336 hits.  His 449 doubles ranks third on the Yankees all-time list. He appeared in five straight All-Star games and won four Gold Gloves.

10) Dave Winfield:

At 6’6″ Winfield was a giant of a man, but he was also a true “five-tool” player athlete who never spent a day in the Minor Leagues.  While Winfield played for six major league teams in 22 seasons, the prime years of his career were spent in New York.  Like Mattingly, Winfield earned six All-Star appearances with some pretty bad Yankee teams of the 1980′s.

If you are more of a numbers guys, compare the career stats of the ten finalists.

To remove the skew for guys like Winfield and Rodriguez who didn’t play there entire careers in New York, compare what the average single-season numbers for these players are.

Note that Jeter compares favorably with DiMaggio in hits and doubles, and leads in stolen bases.

So, having considered all that, where does Derek Jeter fit in terms of all-time Yankee greats?

In Honor Of The Oakland A’s, I’m Eating A Major Dose of My Own Words

There’s a lot of people in the sports media who will make prediction and will only shout from the rooftops when they are right. I’m one of the few that will tell you about the ones I totally blew, and back in February, I wrote a piece about the Oakland A’s that I need to eat.

If you hadn’t noticed, I kept writing off the A’s as dead as recently as July. Well, they just won 94 games, good enough for the second-best record in the American League and the American League West crown.

But before all that, I called out Nico at Athletics Nation on an article he wrote in which he claims the A’s weren’t as bad as people thought they were.  I did one of my patented Dubsism break-downs essentially ridiculing that possibility, and this morning I’ve come to know what it feels like to have 1,500 words jammed in my ass.

I’m not the only one who didn’t come to praise the A’s, but came to bury them. I’m not the only one;  Baseball Prospectus picked the Oakland A’s to finish 73-89. But will you see a mea culpa from them? Probably not.

Honestly, It has been a wild ride for the A’s, and to really understand it, let’s look back at things I’ve said about them throughout this season.  Let’s start with my basic initial assumption of the A’s:

Let’s take the Brad Pitt-fueled legend of Billy Beane. I know the A’s went to the playoffs in four straight years from 2003 to 2006, but their pinnacle of achievement was losing to the Tigers in the 2006 American League Championship Series. Since then, the A’s have not made the playoffs again, in fact they’ve never finished above .500 since then.  That doesn’t look to change this season.

Ok, so I was wrong…way wrong. But I wasn’t wrong before July 1st, when this team was 38-42, 13 games back and seemed to be headed for their usual summer fade to oblivion.

All the signs were there. After all, here’s what I originally said about the A’s coming into the season.

Upside:  America’s favorite breakfast cereal, Coco Crisp,  will still man the Oakland outfield after signing a $14 million, two-year contract with a club option for 2014 after hitting .264 with eight home runs, 54 RBI and 49 stolen bases last season. Then there the Cuban grab-bag known as Yoenis Cespedes. This kid could be the real deal.

Downside: The A’s are without many of their pitchers who brought success to the team in recent years. Trevor Cahill, Gio Gonzalez, and Josh Outman are out of the starting rotation, while Craig Breslow and Andrew Bailey are no longer in the bullpen. The one proven offensive power bat in the lineup has also departed; Josh Willingham hit 29 home runs and 98 RBI in 2011, but is now part of the Minnesota Twins.

At the end of April, it was a minor miracle this team managed to win eleven games while being last in the league in average, slugging percentage, and hitting with runners in scoring position. We’ve already discussed where they were at the end of June.

But then July happened.

While baseball fans were all paying attention to the Chipper Jones farewell tour and debating the plan to shutdown Stephen Strasburg, the A’s quietly went 19-5; fueling a turnaround that led to the following incredible splits.

• Since July 1st, the A’s posted a record of 56-30, including taking 8 of their last 10 games, which also meant knocking off the division-leading Texas Rangers for four of those final wins.
• Overall, The A’s went 50-31 at home (only the Yankees were better in all of baseball).
• The A’s went 44-37 on the road (4th best in all of baseball; all the teams with better road records are also in the play-offs).
• The A’s had a better record than anybody against the AL East (28-18).

Somewhere along the way, Oakland triumphed with a roster of mid-level draft picks, a Cuban defector (who had a  136 OPS+ in case you were wondering), and ironically a shitload of failed Red Sox, like Brandon Moss, Josh Reddick, Coco Crisp, and George Kottaras.

Somehow once again, the A’s cobbled together a miracle in the pitching staff with a cadre of nobodies –  who ever heard of Tommy Milone, Jarrod Parker, A.J. Griffin, Travis Blackley, and Dan Straily before this year – who pitched well enough to carry a hit who largely can’t hit, except for Cespedes.  The bullpen showed up when it mattered, getting big contributions out of left-overs like  Grant Balfour, and potential “could-bes” like Ryan Cook and Sean Doolittle, plus a whole cast of yet more anonymous A’s hurlers.

There’s a ton of reasons why most of you woke up this morning to see the A’s had completed this amazing run that you hadn’t been aware of until now. There’s the aforementioned distractions, there’s the fact that ESPN doesn’t realize baseball exists west of the original 13 Colonies, and there’s the fact the A’s, for better or worse, are the “little brother” of Bay Area baseball.

Unlike Bernie, the A’s aren’t dead.

The A’s rank 12th out of 14 American League teams in term off attendance.  But the people who do show up are what you would expect from Oakland fans. If you show up at the Oakland A’s ballpark in San Francisco Giants gear, you may be eaten by Cujo.  Here’s a team who had a major motion picture released about them in 2011, and the best “guy throwing out the first pitch” they can get is Terry Kiser; otherwise known as the dead guy from Weekend at Bernie’s.

Sleeping with Bea Arthur was what killed Bernie. He choked on her thick, meaty penis.

But there are other factors that get lost in this prototypical “underdog” story that led to this turnaround.

1) Bob Melvin

Here’s what I originally said about the A’s skipper.

Then there’s Bob Melvin.  This guy defines “Jekyll or Hyde” as a manager. Here’s a guy who won 93 games with Seattle, and lost 95 with the same team the next season. Then he won 90 games with the Diamondbacks, and got fired less than two seasons later. He’s got a .481 winning percentage as a manager. The Mets hired Terry Collins as manager over Bob Melvin. Let that sink in for a moment…Terry Fucking Collins.

There’s nothing wrong with a “Jekyll and Hyde” sort of guy so long as you know how to ride the oscillations. All that means is after A’s fans are done enjoying this ride up the standings, what happens next?

2) The Pitching and the Defense

Go back and look at what I said at the beginning of the season. There’s not too many staff that let a 20-game winner and possible Cy Young winner like Gio Gonzalez walk and get better.

• The A’s are second in the AL in team ERA and total earned runs allowed
• The A’s are fourth in the AL in hits allowed
• The A’s are third in the AL total errors committed

3) There Has To Be Something To This “MoneyBall” Thing

So, I have to admit…when they use Brad Pitt to play you in the movie, you’ve done something right. This may the biggest chunk of crow I have to eat in all of this, because the payroll numbers in baseball tell an interesting story when balanced against team wins.

The average playoff team in 2012 won 93.4 games, had a total payroll of $106,234,601, and spent $1,141,609 in payroll per game they won.

In contrast, the average non-playoff team won 74.75 games, had a total payroll of $93,915,559, and spent $1.264, 946 in payroll per game they won.

According to that, logic would dictate the difference between a winner and a loser is  $123,337 in payroll per game; which means to go from 74 wins to 93 requires spending an additional $2,300,236 per season.

But that logic is flawed, and the A’s are the best example of it.  Be warned, there’s some heavy math coming here…

Start with the number of team wins. If all teams play every one of their 162 scheduled games, the average number of team wins will be 81, because every game will have one winner and one loser.  Therefore, team wins divided by payroll won’t be the best indicator of who gets the most bang for their payroll dollar.

The second indicator is in terms of total average payroll. That of the average playoff team in 2012 was $106,234,601, whereas the average non-playoff team had a total payroll of $93,915,559. This suggests the difference between a winner and a loser is approximately $13 million dollars.

What that doesn’t account for is ineffective spending. The two best ways to illustrate that are to look at the payroll of each play-off team and their median salaries. First, look at the top ten teams in terms of total payroll (based on figures from the beginning of the season; playoff team noted in bold type):

1. New York Yankees $197,962,289
2. Philadelphia Phillies $174,538,938
3. Boston Red Sox $173,186,617
4. Los Angeles Angels $154,485,166
5. Detroit Tigers $132,300,000
6. Texas Rangers $120,510,974
7. Miami Marlins $118,078,000
8. San Francisco Giants $117,620,683
9. St. Louis Cardinals $110,300,862
10. Milwaukee Brewers $97,653,944

Note that only five of them are playoff teams, and that three of the top five missed the post-season altogether.

Now compare that against the total payrolls of the ten playoff teams.

1. New York Yankees $197,962,289
2. Detroit Tigers $132,300,000
3. Texas Rangers $120,510,974
4. San Francisco Giants $117,620,683
5. St. Louis Cardinals $110,300,862
6. Atlanta Braves $83,309,942
7. Cincinnati Reds $82,203,616
8. Baltimore Orioles $81,428,999
9. Washington Nationals $81,336,143
10. Oakland Athletics $55,372,500

Not only do the A’s have the lowest payroll of any playoff team, but note the almost $30 million gap between the Braves and the Cardinals. The payrolls of three of the worst teams in baseball fit in that gap.

• Minnesota Twins $94,085,000
• New York Mets $93,353,983
• Chicago Cubs $88,197,033

Now for the piéce d’resistance, let’s look at teh median payrolls of team. You must understand the difference between average and median. Average is the sum of all salaries divided by the total number of salaries being paid, where the median is the dividing point at which half the salaries being paid are under the median number and the other half are over the median number. By looking at the median payroll, one can eliminate the skew caused by a few inordinately large contracts.

The Twins are a perfect example of this. While they are “big payroll” team with a total in excess of $94 million, their average salary is over $3.4 million dollars. However, that number is skewed by the big contracts of Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau, as the Twins’ median payroll number is only $750,000. When you break that down to median payroll per win, every time the Twins won a game, half the players on the field made less than $11,538 for that game; half made more than that.

When you stop to consider the Twins’ were dreadful, and that their median payroll is amongst the lowest in the league, you would not expect to find playoff teams spending at near or less than Minnesota. But you would be wrong. Here’s the bottom ten; playoff teams again noted in bold, and don’t forget teh major league minimum salary is $480,000 per year.

1. Colorado Rockies $482,000
2. Oakland Athletics $487,500 
3. Houston Astros $491,250
4. Seattle Mariners $495,150
5. Chicago White Sox $530,000
6. Atlanta Braves $577,500 
7. Minnesota Twins $750,000
8. Washington Nationals $800,000 
9. St. Louis Cardinals $800,000 
10. Cleveland Indians $800,000

There’s some fun in the numbers when you break down all of baseball in terms of median payroll per win.  Again, I will use the Twins as a baseline and note how many playoff teams spent less per win than they did.  But also look at the total number of wins (playoff teams in bold):

1. Oakland Athletics 94 wins $5,186
2. Atlanta Braves 94 wins $6,144
3. Chicago White Sox 85 wins $6,235
4. Seattle Mariners 75 wins $6,602
5. Colorado Rockies 64 wins $7,531
6. Washington Nationals 98 wins $8,163
7. Houston Astros 55 wins $8,932
8. St. Louis Cardinals 88 wins $9,091
9. Los Angeles Dodgers 86 wins $10,174
10. Minnesota Twins 65 wins $11,538
11. Pittsburgh Pirates 79 wins $11,603
12. Cleveland Indians 68 wins $11,765
13. New York Mets 74 wins $11,824
14. Cincinnati Reds 97 wins $11,856
15. Kansas City Royals 72 wins $12,083
16. Detroit Tigers 88 wins $12,500
17. San Francisco Giants 94 wins $13,564
18. Baltimore Orioles 93 wins $13,978
19. Tampa Bay Rays 90 wins $15,833
20. San Diego Padres 76 wins $15,888
21. Arizona Diamondbacks 81 wins $20,062
22. New York Yankees 95 wins $20,395
23. Chicago Cubs 61 wins $20,697
24. Miami Marlins 69 wins $21,739
25. Boston Red Sox 69 wins $22,554
26. Philadelphia Phillies 81 wins $23,148
27. Milwaukee Brewers 83 wins $23,870
28. Toronto Blue Jays 73 wins $24,229
29. Los Angeles Angels 89 wins $35,393
30. Texas Rangers 93 wins $36,962

I can’t tell which fact I like more; that 4 playoff teams have a median payroll per win number under $10,000 (which includes the team with the best regular-season record), or the fact that the team with the largest number and the smallest number are not only in the same division, but the small-money team ran down the big money team and beat them head-to-head when it mattered.

A’s fans, I hope you can enjoy what your team has just accomplished. You’ve done everything to get that “team of destiny” tag, and here’s hoping your team can pull it off.  The bottom line here is that those of us who had the A’s on the DOA list all have a big shit-burger to eat, and it’s time for all of us to admit we were wrong. Here’s my admission…how long will I be waiting for the others?

The Top 10 Bizarre Books and The Sports Figures Who Could Have Written Them

It’s time for another one of our patented Dubsism comparisons with another gem we found over at Listverse. As the title suggests, we found a list of ten books that literally defy explanation, until you realize the sports world is full of figure who could have easily written such strange stuff.

10) How to Abandon Ship – Written by Phil Richards and John J. Banigan

Apparently, getting off a sinking ship is more complicated than you’d think! First published in 1938, this novel little volume was written from the voice of experience since one of its authors was forced by the Nazis to abandon the Robin Moor before they torpedoed it in 1941. While the authors do discuss the necessity of departing one’s ship in an orderly fashion due to a variety of circumstances, they also explore concepts like buoyancy and open sea boatmanship. Just in case you thought jumping off was a matter of counting three and hoping for the best, give this informative survival guide a try if you have any plans to go sailing.

Could Have Been Written By: Bobby Petrino

Honestly, who knows more about jumping ship than Petrino?  He bailed on Louisville, then bailed on the Atlanta Falcons before the season was even over, then bailed on his wife which ultimately got him tossed over overboard at Arkansas.

9) Gangsta Rap Coloring Book – Written by Anthony “Aye Jay” Moreno

Many adults do enjoy coloring and this is certainly a selection better suited to a grown-up than a kid since it features a cover-size gun, well, right on the cover. Many of hip-hop’s most memorable and, indeed, colorful rappers are depicted by thick black illustrations that await the bold hand of an artist. Biggie dares you to color him pink. Thugs to some and musical superstars to many, these rappers will have you sharpening your kids’ Crayolas in no time (see bizarre book selection #3 for assistance). Since this book was published in 2004, copies are still widely available from venues like Amazon.com.

Could Have Been Written By:  Ron Artest

While not an exact match, it isn’t hard to imagine that a guy just enough off-center to pen a rap shout-out to his therapist might be the same guy to make a gangsta coloring book.   It makes about as much sense as celebrating an NBA Championship with a song written long before Artest joined the Lakers.

8 )  The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices – Written by Brenda Love

This book might stifle conversations as much as it starts them depending on who you invite over. In general, this is not mother-in-law material, so hide it from the coffee table when she visits. With 700 entries that include everything from love potions to the most unusual sexual practices on earth, this book does contain and portray some highly unusual stuff that is not for the faint of heart. Anyone interested in the bizarre or, at least, highly unusual practices of humans will be both shocked and entertained to learn what floats some people’s boats when it comes to sexuality.

Could Have Been Written By:  Rex Ryan

The explanation here is best summed up in two videos…the first being Sexy Rexy’s foot fetish footage, and the second being Wes Welker’s riffing on it.

7) Urine Therapy! Confessions of a Mad Pee Drinker - Written by P.P. Powers

One would expect this to be a joke book given the pseudonym of the author, but urine drinking for health benefits is a real concept and this isn’t the only book devoted to it – just the one with the best title, book jacket, and personal reflections. Published in 2007, this intriguing “self-improvement” book, as described by its own author, suggests that drinking one’s own urine over a period of time can cure chronic ailments. The author describes his own experiences drinking “midstream morning urine” and how the practice cured his depression, fatigue, dandruff, irritable bowel syndrome, bad skin and fibromyalgia (many readers will be wondering if he’s on Match.com). According to P.P., the fountain of youth may truly be inside each and every one of us.

Could Have Been Written By:  Ray Lewis

In a world full of performance-enhancing drugs, Lewis is claiming to have found a fountain of youth in some unknown vegetable juice concoction. I’m not casting any aspersions here, but I’ve always been suspicious of “miracle” diets and vitamin supplements…especially ever since the Jim Carrey Juice Weasel.

6) Manifold Destiny – Written by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller

It’s true that twenty-first century vehicles are far better insulated than twentieth century cars, making this a nearly-obsolete cookbook unless you have a vintage car – probably anything pre-1990. On the other hand, if your engine runs hot, this cookbook is still in print and filled with many great recipes that you can make right on your car engine. Ideal for traveling cooks who don’t mind cooking with fumes, this book covers one-of-kind cookery. One reviewer maintained that engines steam everything and always leave his vegetables al dente, but if you can discover the knack of this vehicular art, you’ll never have to pull into a greasy roadside diner again! You can crank open your hood and run your own!

Could Have Been Written By:  Prince Fielder

Prince’s dad traveled everywhere…Toronto, Detroit, Japan, New York.  Prince has logged a few lies himself between Milwaukee and Detroit. You would think a couple of big guys putting on some big miles might have tried a manifold burger at some point…especially since I never swallowed that “Prince Fielder is a vegetarian” twaddle.

5) Natural Bust Enlargement – Written by Donald L. Wilson

Published by the Total Mind Power Institute in 1979, this book takes the “I think I can, I think I can” concept to a surprising new level. One must assume that there might be a few glitches contained in this highly unusual do-it-yourself book or the cosmetic surgery industry wouldn’t be booked quite so solid with breast enhancement appointments. As an odd publication, it does, however, have its place in lists of bizarre books. Kudos to the book’s cover, as well.

Could Have Been Written By:  Morganna, The Kissing Bandit

Obviously, there’s two reasons why Morganna is the choice for authoring this book.

4) If We Can Keep a Severed Head Alive – Written by Chet Fleming

Published in 1988, this book also contains the author and inventor’s patent for a device that keeps the head of a mammal alive. A considerable portion of this book provides an explanation as to why this inventor, who is also a practicing attorney, devised a patent he says he does not intend to use. It’s unclear as to whether or not Fleming advocates the practice of keeping severed heads alive or simply wants to explore the possibilities that the marvels of science and technology may provide in the future.

Could Have Been Written By: Dick Vitale

Honestly, has there been a better example of a severed head being kept needlessly alive that Dickie V?

3) How to Sharpen Pencils – Written by David Rees

If you’ve ever lamented that you stuck your pencil into a cheap twenty-five-cent plastic sharpener – those children’s gadgets that break more tips than they sharpen – this book is for you! Painstakingly crafted and nearly exhaustive in its coverage of an unusual subject, this author treats pencil sharpening seriously and, upon reading it, you’ll take it more seriously, too. Witty and informative, this highly irregular volume may seem bizarre unless you happen to be sitting there with a broken pencil and are unsure how to best sharpen it for use again.

Could Have Been Written By:  Vince Young

Anybody with a Wonderlic score of 6 obviously is a dumb ass who might need a step-by-step to sharpen a pencil.

2)  C is for Chafing – Written by Mark Remy

A child’s alphabet book of running, this strange little book and its correspondingly disturbing cover is about the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly sides of running. The title, of course, simply dares the onlooker to open this book up and give it a whirl, but some of the subject matter, like vomiting after a race, is about as gross a topic as that covered in Walter the Farting Dog: Banned from the Beach by William Kotzwinkle, an honorable mention and runner up for this list of bizarre books.

Could Have Been Written By: Olympic Speedwalkers

If that walking motion doesn’t give you a chafing problem, then it doing with a load in your shorts must guarantee a dose of “fire crotch.”

1) Gadsby – Written by Ernest Vincent Wright

It’s unclear what the author had against this most popular of vowels when he wrote this novel of constrained writing, but there is, indeed, no trace of this letter in the work. Considering all the English verbs that require the –ed ending, this is a remarkable, albeit bizarre, achievement. This self-published work is a highly collectible book in spite of its unusual treatment of a popular letter.  Published in 1939, this odd novel is perfectly readable and contains a reasonable plot, proving that the letter “e” is not as e-ssential as one might have thought.

Could Have Been Written By: Former Baltimore Ravens Head Coach Brian Billick

Not only does his name also have no “e” in it, he won a Super Bowl with no “O.”

A Kubrick-Style Breakdown of Minnesota Twins’ GM Terry Ryan’s Descent Into Madness

It’s no secret that the advisory board here at Dubsism is laden with fans of the Minnesota Twins. The Chairman of that board, the esteemed Dick Marple, is our man on all things Twins, and the newspaper article he pointed out was simply to good not to share.  To appreciate this, you don’t need to be a fan of the Twins; hell, you don’t even need to be a baseball fan. But, if you love a breakdown of a Jack-Nicholson-in-”The Shining” style descent into complete madness, then we have a treat for you, courtesy of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune.

The article lists several bullet points, but the original piece doesn’t put them in an order in which they really show how bat-shit crazy Ryan really has become. By a simple  re-ordering of these points in terms of how insane they are, the picture becomes clear.

Redrum.

The Bullet Point:  ”Doubts he will pursue any elite free-agent pitchers this winter, saying it will be a “thin” market and that he’s averse to signing such pitchers to the long-term deals required to land them.”

“Shining” Crazy Level:  Just getting to the hotel, not crazy yet.

The Rationale: Ryan is actually right about this. If you stop and think about it, especially while perusing the list of pitchers likely to be available, there are precious few exceptions to the original author’s ludicrous use of the word “elite” to describe any of these guys. From Cot’s Baseball Contracts:

* – Player whose current contract includes 2013 option

• Scott Baker *
• Erik Bedard
• Joe Blanton
• Bartolo Colon
• Aaron Cook
• Kevin Correia
• Jorge De La Rosa *
• Ryan Dempster
• R.A. Dickey *
• Scott Feldman *
• Gavin Floyd *
• Jeff Francis
• Freddy Garcia
• Zack Greinke
• Jeremy Guthrie
• Rich Harden
• Dan Haren *
• Roberto Hernandez *
• Tim Hudson *
• Edwin Jackson
• Hiroki Kuroda
• Colby Lewis
• Francisco Liriano
• Kyle Lohse
• Derek Lowe
• Paul Maholm *
• Shaun Marcum
• Jason Marquis
• Daisuke Matsuzaka
• Brandon McCarthy
• Kevin Millwood
• Jamie Moyer
• Roy Oswalt
• Carl Pavano
• Jake Peavy *
• Anibal Sanchez
• Jonathan Sanchez
• Ervin Santana *
• Joe Saunders
• James Shields *
• Carlos Villanueva
• Chien-Ming Wang
• Kip Wells
• Randy Wolf
• Chris Young
• Carlos Zambrano

It gets a little better if you want to try to shore up the bullpen, but there will still a lot of slag-heaps out there.

• David Aardsma
• Jeremy Accardo
• Mike Adams
• Jeremy Affeldt
• Luis Ayala
• Grant Balfour *
• Miguel Batista
• Matt Belisle
• Rafael Betancourt *
• Jonathan Broxton
• Taylor Buchholz
• Sean Burnett *
• Tim Byrdak
• Shawn Camp
• Matt Capps *
• D.J. Carrasco
• Randy Choate
• Todd Coffey *
• Jose Contreras *
• Francisco Cordero
• Juan Cruz
• Octavio Dotel
• Chad Durbin
• Kyle Farnsworth
• Pedro Feliciano *
• Jason Frasor
• Brian Fuentes *
• Mike Gonzalez
• Sean Green
• Kevin Gregg *
• Jason Grilli
• LaTroy Hawkins
• Clay Hensley
• Livan Hernandez
• J.P. Howell
• Hong-Chih Kuo
• Casey Janssen
• Bobby Jenks
• Brandon League
• Brad Lidge
• Matt Lindstrom *
• Mark Lowe
• Brandon Lyon
• Ryan Madson
• Shawn Marshall
• Dustin McGowan
• Guillermo Mota
• Peter Moylan
• Brett Myers *
• Pat Neshek
• Will Ohman
• Darren Oliver *
• Juan Carlos Oviedo (aka Leo Nunez)
• Vicente Padilla
• Tony Pena
• Brad Penny
• Joel Peralta
• J.J. Putz *
• Chad Qualls
• Ramon Ramirez
• Jon Rauch
• Francisco Rodriguez
• Mariano Rivera
• Fernando Rodney
• J.C. Romero
• Takashi Saito
• Joakim Soria *
• Rafael Soriano *
• Hisanori Takahashi
• Robinson Tejeda
• Jose Valverde
• Carlos Villanueva
• Jamey Wright

Sure, there might be a few guys that might be interesting, but it isn’t crazy to say “I’m not going to be the guy who gives R.A. Dickey $12 million.”

The Bullet Point:  “Would consider re-signing pending free-agent pitchers Scott Baker and Carl Pavano.”

“Shining” Crazy Level:  The writer’s block is just setting in; he’s more frustrated than crazy.

The Rationale: Unless you are going to take a Louisville Slugger to the piggy-back, why not stick with the devil you know versus the one you don’t?

“You have to be open to a lot of things when you’re looking for starting pitching,” he said. “You’ve going to have to take some risks and you’re going to have to look at all markets, not just free agency, but trades and waivers and Rule 5s. But if you want to do it the correct way, that’s going to provide stability over the long haul, you’re going to have to draft and develop guys, too.

“Even when we had rotations that were darn good, we got them from about every avenue. We have to do the same thing moving forward here.”

After all, it isn’t like the Twins are climbing out of the crapper in 2013, so why blow money now on what could easily be another flame-job?

The Bullet Point:  “Insists that he, not the previous general manager, the manager or ownership, should take the blame for this season.”

“Shining” Crazy Level: He’s now talking to Lloyd the invisible bartender; welcome to Warning Sign City.

The Rationale: Terry, it’s time to realize a few basic facts here. The Twins didn’t go from perennial-division winner to the Blue Astros overnight. There was a progression involved here, and on that started long before you stepped back in the general manager’s seat.  Now, having said that, let’s look at some examples of your work from both stints as the general manager:

• Butch Huskey
• Rondell White
• Tony Batista
• Ruben Sierra
• Ramon Ortiz
• Sidney Ponson
• Joel Zumaya

Now, Terry, before you try to hoggy-pants all the blame for what has gone wrong in Minnesota, let’s take a look at what your immediate predecessor Bill Smith did.

His two best moves:

• Carl Pavano (now, if he cost $16.5 million for two years, imagine what some of the guys on the aforementioned list might get…)
• Jim Thome (once for $3 million, then again for $1.5 million, then traded for the dreaded “player to be named later”)

But then there’s this list of Smith signees…

• Orlando Hudson – one year, $5 million
• Joe Crede – one year, $2.5 million
• Luis Ayala – one year, $1.3 million
• Nick Punto – two years, $8.5 million
• Livan Hernandez  - one year, $5 million
• Mike Lamb –  two years, $6.6 million
• Adam Everett – one year, $2.8 million

Shelley Duvall could be the typical weak-hitting middle-infielder of the Bill Smith era.

Ryan goes on to the following quote:

“We have not played well,” Ryan said. “And everything comes underneath my umbrella. So I’ll go through the next month and we’ll see exactly where we stand here, but sooner rather than later Mr. Pohlad has got to get a decision out of me. I know he can’t go on forever with this setup.”

There’s enough blame to go around here, Terry. Trying to pretend this is all your doing won’t help it get fixed.

The Bullet Point:  ”Wants people to stop blaming Joe Mauer for the team’s problems.”

“Shining” Crazy Level: Making out with the naked ghost of Room 237

The Rationale: Forget about it Terry. It’s never going to happen.

“Does the eight-year, $184 million contract belonging to his other former MVP, Mauer, make his job more difficult? “No, it does not,” he said. “We’ve got to quit blaming Joe Mauer for any ills we have. If you took his name off the line and just looked at the statistics, you’d say, geez, this guy is really good.”

When a quasi-anonymous assistant football coach gets caught raping kids, the famous head coach takes the fall. When a team goes from division-winners to cellar-dwellars, the $23 million dollar singles-hitter is going to take the blame, fairly or not.

To quote the aforementioned Chairman Marple: ”Minneapolis man reports several years of being butt-fucked by Jim Pohlad, Bill Smith, Terry Ryan, and Ron Gardenhire.”

“Come and play with us, Danny Valencia.”

The Bullet Point:  ”Considers Justin Morneau a “core” player whom he expects to thrive next season.”

“Shining” Crazy Level: The hallway, the elevator full of blood, and those creepy twins

The Rationale: Time for some brutal honesty. Justin Morneau is never again going to be the MVP caliber player he once was.  The concussion issue has taken its toll, and despite the fact he is having a respectable season, he’s making MVP money.  That’s the problem.

“Morneau has been the subject of trade rumors. Ryan spoke of him as a key part of next year’s team.”

“I look at this as a transition year for him, because last year he didn’t get enough at-bats,” Ryan said. “I’m pleased with his progress. There was a time this spring when we didn’t think he was going to play any first base for us. We’ve come a long way from that point.”

While it is true “they’ve come a long way,” it is also true that they haven’t come back nearly to the height of the original fall.  Think about it this way. The Twins couldn’t unload Morneau on the Dodgers, a team who later ate nearly a quarter-billion dollars in salary to take on risks like Carl Crawford and Josh Beckett.

“I think his numbers are going to return. I think he’s a core guy. He’s a former MVP who’s what, 31? He’s one of the most important people in this organization, no doubt.”

Twins fans are all too familiar with big. slugging, Canadian lefties who show off a brief period of huge promise, then concussions end it all.  Raise your hand if you remember Corey Koskie.

The Bullet Point: “Won’t force Gardenhire to make changes to his coaching staff.”

“Shining” Crazy Level:  He’s coning through the door with the axe.

The Rationale: Two more dead-give away quotes:

“The most likely scapegoats in any baseball organization are the major league coaches. Ryan said he would never force Gardenhire to make a change. “It’s not that I would force him or he would force me,” Ryan said. “It would never come to that. If we need to make a change, in my opinion, I would recommend it to him. If he felt the need to make a change, he would bring that to me. Then we would discuss it.”

“I don’t think either one of us should independently make that call. I wouldn’t want to force-feed a coach on a manager. That never works in a clubhouse.”

Somebody ought to put George Stienbrenner’s grave on full Roll-Over Alert.

That leads to the piece d’resistance…

The Bullet Point: “Will not fire manager Ron Gardenhire.”

“Shining” Crazy Level: Dude just got it with the axe.

The Rationale: The following two quotes illustrates the problem:

“I’ve never fired a manager because I’ve never had to. That’s as simple as I can put it. I have no interest in changing managers. I don’t see where Ronnie is the problem here.”

“Ryan did not fire Tom Kelly when Kelly was in the midst of eight consecutive losing seasons. He doesn’t plan to fire Gardenhire after two. “Gardy has a good track record,” Ryan said. “We’ve had a couple of tough years. Am I opposed to firing people? No. I’ve fired people in my life. Quite a few, in different departments. You have to do that on occasion. You don’t like to, but sometimes you have to.”

The fact that he’s comparing Tom Kelly, a manager who lived from 1993 on with essentially a Triple-A line-up, to Gardenhire, a manager who couldn’t win with two MVP-caliber players and a host of All-Stars is “makes little snowmen out of his own poop” crazy.

Now, if we could just get Terry Ryan to spend the winter at an isolated resort in the mountains somewhere…