So, Have They Changed The Name of the City to Los Puig-geles Yet?

So, in the last week, I’ve been forced to come to the realization that Roy Hobbs from The Natural is actually a 22-year old Cuban guy who is built like a Mack Truck and runs like a Ferrari.

America, meet Yasiel Puig, your next next honest-to-oh-my-fucking-goodness baseball phenom. The guy has been in the major leagues for one week, and so far he’s only managed to belt 4 home runs, drive in 10 runs, make two monstrous outfield assists, dive into first base to beat out an infield hit, and drew an intentional walk in his 4th game in the bigs.

It isn’t so much that he did these things, it’s how he did them. The home runs were such rockets that not only did they shatter the usually impenetrable night air of that fly-ball mausoleum known as Dodger Stadium, they got Puig a free pass to first base one day after he had his first 0-for-4 day at the plate.  He got his first intentional walk before he ever got hit by a pitch; before he got a regular walk. Think about that; they didn’t bother to hit this guy, they didn’t bother to pitch around him…they just put up four fingers and sent Puig down the first base line for free in his 18th major league at-bat. There’s guys who don’t even get hits in their first 18 at-bats.

It’s not just this kid’s bat. This guy hosed out two runners on throws that mean every third-base coach in the National League could now literally be replaced with a stop sign.

I’ve been watching baseball for forty years, and I’ve never seen anything like it. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen plenty of phenoms; I’ve seen them with varying outcomes. I’ve seen a guy nobody ever heard of become a guy named Albert Pujols. I’ve watched guys that were nothing but a non-stop hype show got from Rookie of the Year to out of the league two years later. Raise your hand if you remember Joe Charbonneau…

But I’m not the only old guy who can’t believe what he is seeing.

Vin Scully has been the voice of the Dodgers since 1951 and hes’ never seen anything like it. The Dodger offense was all but dead last Thursday against the Braves when Puig slammed a “grannie” to win the ball game in the eighth inning. Sunday, Scully went on an extended dialog about Puig as a five-tool player, and how he has never seen a player show off all five tools in one game. Scully has said just about all he can; I’m literally waiting for him to just throw his hands up in the air and exclaim “What the Fuck?!”

Right now, there’s a lot of people who want to put a Superman “S” on Puig’s chest. There are others who want replace Chuck Norris’ name in all those jokes with Puig’s. But Puig shares even more with the “Man of Steel” and “Walker, Texas Ass-Kicker.” None of them have yet to rescue the Dodgers from the NL West cellar.

As much as a phenom as Puig has been, Dodgers fans still get to live through eight other under-performing bats surrounding him.  If you are a Dodger fan, tell me how may times you’ve watched the likes of Mark Ellis strike out flailing at a pitch at his eyes with Puig on deck with runners on base in the late innings.

So, while Puig has given Dodger fans something to watch for rather than counting the days until Matt Kemp gets off the disabled list, there’s still a big question nobody in Dodgerland is ready to ask yet.

Just which way is this kid headed?

For all the signs of super-stardom he’s shown in the last week, he’s also show signs for concern in the past. This is a guy who bats .500 in the minors, and gets benched for not running out ground balls.  This is a guy who has been known to act out on the field when he disagrees with a sign. Ultimately, the Dodgers dispatched Manny Mota, who has long served as a mentor for the Dodgers’ young Latin American players, to meet with Puig.

Right now, what it all comes down to is Yasiel Puig is one hell of a story. Right now, whichever way this story goes only the future knows. Right now, what is for certain is that as dismal as the Dodgers’ season has been up this point , at least Yasiel Puig is a ray of hope to cut through what has been a season of Dodger blues.

Ten Baseball Managers Who Could Be Fired in 2013

Let’s be honest, every major league baseball manager could get fired…that’s what they do.  They aren’t like popes who usually get to die in office; being a major league manager means having your ass welded to a revolving door. But there are some who simply have a much better chance of getting revolved out of town because they lead teams that have expectations which if not lived up to…well, somebody’s got to take the fall.

Having said that, there are a few managers who have almost no chance of being fired, because nobody expects anything from their teams. This includes guys like:

• Bo Porter, Houston Astros
• Mike Redmond, Miami Marlins
• Ron Gardenhire, Minnesota Twins
• Dale Sveum, Chicago Cubs

There’s also a group who are simply untouchable, because they’ve delivered lately.

• Bruce Bochy, San Francisco giants
• Joe Maddon, Tampa Bay Rays
• Mike Matheny, St. Louis Cardinals
• Fredi Gonzalez, Atlanta Braves

That leaves us with a group of ten managers I see as most likely to be looking for work by Opening Day 2014.  Somebody’s door is going to revolve, and here are the ten I see being the most likely to turn. 

The Dubsism 2013 Pre-Season Baseball Power Rankings: What You Need To Know About All 30 Teams

It’s that time again. With Opening Day less than a week away (for the record, we will never count those games played in Japan as the real opener (if for no other reason Opening Day is about consuming your weight in hot dogs and beer, not sushi and sake), it is time to give you some solid opinions on all 30 Major League teams from somebody who actually watches baseball.

Ask The Geico Guy: Is it Hilarious That a Little League Group Is Raffling An Assault Rifle?

Absolutely.  It is  pants-shittingly funny for a whole host of reasons. , and on so many levels. Let’s just go through the story to see why.

An Illinois town’s little league program is raffling an AR-15 assault rifle to raise money.

Atwood Armory is raising money for the Atwood-Hammond Little League program to replace old equipment.

“We could have went with a basic shotgun or something simple,” league commissioner Steven McClain told WCIA-TV. “But obviously it’s not going to draw the attention, not going to draw the volume we’re hoping to make.”

How this story isn’t happening in Florida or Ohio is just a flat-out shock. Beyond that, the idea that a gun shop is helping to sponsor a little league team seems like something straight out of the Bad News Bears.  Secondly, you have to love the idea that real thought went into this. They knew they couldn’t raise money with a “basic shotgun,” so they upped the ante with a 5.56mm semi-automatic rifle. The story goes on to make it clear that previous raffles did not do so well.

The little league program only raised $10 last year in a raffle so owners of the gun shop decided to step in.

“If we were to sell that gun in store with all the accessories and ammo with it, it would be well over $2,000,” Atwood Armory co-owner Charidy Butcher told WCIA.

What the hell were they selling that they only came up with ten lousy bucks? The Girl Scouts get three and half bucks a pop for boxes of cookies. You could sell rocks and make more that a ten-spot. But it seems the AR-15 did the trick.

According to the gun shop’s Facebook page, the little league raffle has raised $1,600 so far.

Co-owner Bryan Butcher says they are not trying to send any type of message through the raffle.

“It was never a political agenda. It is what it is,” Butcher told WCIA.

Well, maybe not for you, but you know damn good and well that once this story gets out, the shrieky anti-gun crowd will have an absolute brain hemorrhage. How can they not? You’ve got guns, kids, and that Connecticut school shooting is still a bit too recent for them to not go completely apeshit over this. Once they do, you can bet they will go find a liberal judge to grant them some sort of injunction to stop the raffle, which would be a real shame, because the only losers will be the kids who little league team gets screwed over some idiotic political power play.

If you are interested, tickets for the raffle are $20 each and they can be purchased until June 28. Kee in mind, howver, that even if you win the raffle, you will still need to pass a background check before they will give you the rifle.

The Dubsism Ten Worst Baseball Free Agent Signings

Free agency came to baseball in the 1970′s, which coincidentally happens to the same decade in which I became a baseball fan. In that time, I’ve watched many team make great moves in to secure that “one piece they needed” to win. I’ve also seen lots of complete gag-jobs; a team drives a dump truck full of money off a cliff over some guy who immediately after signing his contract completely forgets how to play the goddamn game, or better yet blows every joint in his body.

Bear in mind, these may not be the ten worst deals of all time, but they are ten of my personal favorites.

10) Chan Ho Park – Signed by the Texas Rangers in 2002, Five Years, $65 million

I distinctly remember this guy pitching in Dodger Stadium, and loving the fact that it may be one of the most forgiving ball parks for a meatball artist like Park. He manage two season in Los Angeles in which he posted records of 18-10 and 15-11. This “success” prompted the historically-pitching thin Texas Rangers to cough up one of the fattest contracts ever given to a pitcher at that time.  Of course, the Rangers forgot that home plate in their ball park outpaces Cape Canaveral for the number of moon-shots which have been launched there. This is why Park posted ERAs in Texas of 5.75, 7.58, 5.74, and 5.66. Those number very well could have been worse had a slew of injuries not kept him off the mound for big chunk of his time in Arlington. At least he had a sense of humor.

9) Gary Matthews Jr. – Signed by the Los Angeles Angels in 2006, Five Years, $50 million

The inverse of Park…If you think signing a 31-year-old guy who just had a great year  (.313, 44 doubles, 19 home runs, 79 RBIs, and an .866 OPS) in a great hitters’ park (Texas, oddly enough), you should probably have your checkbook locked up.  The Angels signed Matthews to that fat deal on the basis of his best season ever, only to watch him become a  .247 hitter with marginal power. The proof the Angels knew they blew it came the very next year when they signed Torii Hunter for $90 million to take Matthews place in center field.

Presidents the Washington Nationals Could Have Chosen Rather Than Taft

This season, the Washington Nationals are adding a new contestant to their President’s Race. While we all know this move is just adding to the field so that Teddy Roosevelt remains the president who almost never wins, we can’t figure out why they picked William Howard Taft. Taft was the only president who also served as a Supreme Court Justice, but he also was the fattest Chief Executive ever. Well over 300 pounds, Taft once got wedged in the White House bathtub. A man of such girth doesn’t seem to be a likely candidate  to out run anybody.

That means there were plenty of other choices; let’s review a few who didn’t make the cut, but probably should have.

1) John F. Kennedy: Nobody can outrun a 1963 Lincoln convertible, but this would cause some other problems when the Texas Rangers come to town.

2) Franklin D. Roosevelt: Forget the fact he was crippled by polio. His desire to consistently beat his cousin Teddy combined with a Hoveround would make him unbeatable. Not to mention, there could be all kind of ad revenue possibilities on those “Senior Segways.”

3) George W. Bush: C’mon…the “won the race based on a recount in Florida” gags write themselves.

4) Andrew Jackson: The odds-on choice of the Washington Redskins, because the sight of Jackson winning the race while killing an entire Indian nation by bludgeoning them with a musket butt would make everybody forget about any “insensitive” nicknames.

5) Richard Nixon: You know “Tricky Dick” would be the king of “race fixing.” Picture him having his guys break into Teddy’s office late some night for purposes of rigging a race he should win anyway.

6) Ronald Reagan: I want Ronnie in this race for no other reason than to watch the liberal shitbags who now run this country all die from rage-induced strokes.

7) Barack Obama: The inverse of Reagan…this is where we get Rush Limbaugh to trot his “McNabb” line about how “there is a social agenda in this country that wants a black president to succeed.” Not to mention, you know the black guy is out-running any of these old, white dudes.

8) Jimmy Carter: Not sure how well he would run, but getting the costume would be easy; all you need is an old “Mr. Peanut” outifit with some minor modifications.

The Last Word on the Jamie Moyer Update?

For the first time since Ronald Reagan’s first term as president, spring training has opened without Jamie Moyer in somebody’s camp.

Every spring since 1984, Jamie Moyer was toeing the slab for a major or minor league squad.  But at age 50, this might finally be the end of the road. Last year at this time, Moyer was considered an important component of the Colorado Rockies starting rotation.  At first, Moyer pitched well in Denver; he became the oldest pitcher to post a major league win. Moyer posted a 2-5 mark with a 5.70 ERA in 10 starts before the Rockies designated him for assignment.

After Colorado, Moyer signed with the Baltimore Orioles, who assigned him to Triple-A Norfolk. The trouble came when after Moyer pitched well in the minors, it became clear the Orioles weren’t committed to calling up Moyer for their play-off run. steam),” said Moyer. That prompted Moyer to ask for his release, which the Orioles granted.

The next stop for the Moyer train was signing with the Toronto Blue Jays, who then assigned him to their Triple-A affiliate in Las Vegas. Things didn’t go so well in Las Vegas; in two starts Moyer got lit up for He allowed 17 hits, including three home runs, in 11 innings. His stint in Las Vegas ended with Moyer tallying one win, one loss, and an 8.18 ERA. This time, Moyer didn’t have to ask for his release.

The Disparity In Class In America Summed Up In Two Pictures

America is a country capable of incredible acts of class, and is also capable of the exact opposite.

The Highlight: It was pure class the way the St. Louis Blues paid tribute to baseball icon and St. Louis legend Stan “The Man” Musial.

The Lowlight: The asswipes at PETA using the Manti Te’o situation to advance their idiotic agenda.

 

Here’s the saddest part. I will be the first to admit I’ve made my fair share of Manti Te’o jokes, but there’s two problems here. First, the longer this story plays out, it is morphing from odd through funny into pathetic, and it isn’t over yet. The second problem is PETA isn’t joking; they really think this is going to help their cause.

 

If Dubsism Were a Bad Restaurant…Get Ready For Sports Stories as Menu Items

If the mere thought of the “Dubs-eteria” doesn’t inspire gastronomic terror, then the following menu items certainly should. The only defense we can offer is that these dishes still aren’t as lousy as anything you can get at Olive Garden.

Appetizers:

The Baseball Writer’s Association of America “Poo-Poo” Platter

It doesn’t even come with a plate.  You give us $29.95 and our head waiter will act like an self-righteous asshole “poo-pooing” deserving Hall of Famers while having security escort you to your car.  Afterward, our head waiter will post an article on your Facebook page telling you how stupid you are for disagreeing with him.

The 2012 Dubsy Awards

Every January since this blog was created, we here at Dubsism have given an award for achievements during the previous year in some under-recognized categories in the world of sports. In prior years, the nominations for the awards were done exclusively by an internal committee. This was the first year we allowed nominations from the general public.

Between our committee and our valued readers, we had more quality nominations than we could ever possibly use.  Thank you so much for that. When we received an outstanding nomination that proved to be a winner, we made sure to recognize those who submitted it. However, we did also receive nominations on multiple ballots that proved to be winners. If you see a winner that you nominated, and you weren’t credited, just know that you weren’t the only one who had the same idea.

With that, and after careful consideration, here are the winners of the 2012 Dubsy awards.