This season, the Washington Nationals are adding a new contestant to their President’s Race. While we all know this move is just adding to the field so that Teddy Roosevelt remains the president who almost never wins, we can’t figure out why they picked William Howard Taft. Taft was the only president who also served as a Supreme Court Justice, but he also was the fattest Chief Executive ever. Well over 300 pounds, Taft once got wedged in the White House bathtub. A man of such girth doesn’t seem to be a likely candidate to out run anybody.
That means there were plenty of other choices; let’s review a few who didn’t make the cut, but probably should have.
1) John F. Kennedy: Nobody can outrun a 1963 Lincoln convertible, but this would cause some other problems when the Texas Rangers come to town.
2) Franklin D. Roosevelt: Forget the fact he was crippled by polio. His desire to consistently beat his cousin Teddy combined with a Hoveround would make him unbeatable. Not to mention, there could be all kind of ad revenue possibilities on those “Senior Segways.”
3) George W. Bush: C’mon…the “won the race based on a recount in Florida” gags write themselves.
4) Andrew Jackson: The odds-on choice of the Washington Redskins, because the sight of Jackson winning the race while killing an entire Indian nation by bludgeoning them with a musket butt would make everybody forget about any “insensitive” nicknames.
5) Richard Nixon: You know “Tricky Dick” would be the king of “race fixing.” Picture him having his guys break into Teddy’s office late some night for purposes of rigging a race he should win anyway.
6) Ronald Reagan: I want Ronnie in this race for no other reason than to watch the liberal shitbags who now run this country all die from rage-induced strokes.
7) Barack Obama: The inverse of Reagan…this is where we get Rush Limbaugh to trot his “McNabb” line about how “there is a social agenda in this country that wants a black president to succeed.” Not to mention, you know the black guy is out-running any of these old, white dudes.
8) Jimmy Carter: Not sure how well he would run, but getting the costume would be easy; all you need is an old “Mr. Peanut” outifit with some minor modifications.