1) The Ravens’ Ring of Honor
Many teams do this, but nobody does it in such a fucked-up “we really have no history” manner. Just look at it.
- Earnest “The Fumble” Byner
- Johnny Unitas, who didn’t even play for this franchise. He’s here because he was a Baltimore sports legend. Cal Ripken, Jr, goes up on the Ring next year.
- Michael McCrary, who only played five season in Baltimore, and spent half of two of them injured.
- Peter Boulware, who was realeased TWICE by the Ravens.
- Jonathan Ogden, who is the best player on this list who actually played for the Ravens. nobody knows him because he was an offensive lineman.
- Matt Stover, a kicker whose main claim to fame in Baltimore is that he isn’t Billy Cundiff.
But nothing, and I mean nothing, is more pathetic than the Ravens putting another team in their Ring of Honor. Believe it or not, the Ravens have the Baltimore Colts – the team who literally sneaked out of town in the middle of the night in favor of the mouth-breathing fat-humps in Indianapolis – enshrined in their Ring of Honor. This is a bit too much like a guy who keeps a picture of the girlfriend who left him for a guy with a mullet and a minimum wage job.
2) Baltimore Is Far Too Much Like an Urban West Virginia
I can’t emphasize this one enough. The picture says enough, but when you stop to consider the Colts ditched this city for Indianapolis, it becomes clear that the levels of white-trashiness in Baltimore must be at Herculean levels. Baltimore is the kind of city where not only do people still wear Zubaz, not only do they wear them in camouflage patterns, but they wear them in Ravens camouflage colors. My brain can’t even get around how fucking idiotic that is. The whole point of camouflage is to blend into your surroundings, and the last time I checked, greater Baltimore was not located in a rain-forest of purple and black dipshit-ery.
The most damning thing I can say about Ravens’ fans is that they make Steelers fans look like Rhodes Scholars. Let that sink in for a moment. Baltimore gets out-classed and out-smarted by a city where every vehicle is legally required to have one of those stickers that has “Calvin” pissing on a Ravens logo and where they put cole slaw and french fries on everything. The regular consumption of Iron City Beer has been shown to lower I.Q. points by at least 60%, but the average Steeler fan is still Stephen Fucking Hawking next to a Balti-moron. Modern science really needs to find a way to make the ingestion of Maryland crab-cakes lower sperm counts below the levels needed for reproduction.
3) Joe Flacco Is The Best Quarterback Ravens Fans Hate
Seriously, Ravens’ fans have spent five years busting this guy’s balls (funny how that stopped after the Jacoby Jones touchdown catch in Denver), which is hard to believe considering the roster of his predecessors.
- Kyle Boller
- Troy Smith
- A washed-up Steve McNair
- Anthony Wright
- Jeff Blake
- Chris Redman
- Elvis Grbac
- An even more-washed up Randall Cunningham
- Tony Banks
- Super Bowl Champion Trent Dilfer (I still can’t fucking believe I can say that)
- Stoney Case
- Scott Mitchell
- Jim Harbaugh (forgot about him, didn’t ya?)
- Eric Zeier
- Vinny Testaverde
He may look and sound like Bert the Muppet, and he may need to invest in an eyebrow tweezer, but Flacco is the best quarterback to play in Baltimore since Bert Jones.
4) Two Words – Ray Lewis
I, for one, can’t wait for this phony asswipe to just go away, but I know he won’t, Even after his playing days are over, I know some media outlet will serve as the conduit for this “Tony Dungy on Deer Antler spray” to be an onmi-directional sludge pump for his “found Jesus after I covered the murders of two people and paid my way out of it.” There’s no fire of hell hot enough for this self-serving hypocrite.