If the mere thought of the “Dubs-eteria” doesn’t inspire gastronomic terror, then the following menu items certainly should. The only defense we can offer is that these dishes still aren’t as lousy as anything you can get at Olive Garden.
The Baseball Writer’s Association of America “Poo-Poo” Platter
It doesn’t even come with a plate. You give us $29.95 and our head waiter will act like an self-righteous asshole “poo-pooing” deserving Hall of Famers while having security escort you to your car. Afterward, our head waiter will post an article on your Facebook page telling you how stupid you are for disagreeing with him.
The Katherine Webb Southern-Fried Mini-Tacos
Spicy hot, but not without that old-fashioned southern charm. Makes an awkward combination with the Brent Mus-”Burger.”
The “Thurman Munson Fiery Crash” Hot Wings
A menu holdover from the first Dubs-eteria which opened in 1979 in Canton, Ohio. These wings are Rookie of the Year and MVP quality, but unfortunately they fly as well as Munson did.
The Lance Armstrong “Truth-Buster” Steak
This 72-ounce behemoth started as a six-inch strip steak until our own Chef McSteroid got a hold of it. Comes with the soft-tossed Oprah Interview Salad and “Livestrong” baked potatoes. Tour de French Fries available as a substitution if you give us with a credible admission.
The Tony Romo Frittata
Calling this dish a “frittata” is how we get away with not having a breakfast menu, because we know out of the Dubsism readers who aren’t currently locked up, none of them get out of bed before 2 p.m. This dish is really a four-egg omelette that really looks like it should be satisfying, but always seems to disappoint. Includes ham, beef, and a heavy helping of drama. Even Jessica Simpson couldn’t get fat on this dish.
The “Tiger Woods Club” Sandwich
This isn’t your daddy’s club sandwich. This one gets swung at your head by a pissed-off Scandinavian babe.
The “Stern-Bettman” Special
Locks you out of the restaurant for half the night, then charges you double price for a baloney sandwich. Gives you soggy, cold fries and calls it “fan appreciation.”
The Brent Mus-”Burger”
A full-pound of aged ground Montana beef covered in liver spots and cheesy expressions, flame-broiled by hypocritical media types who want you to believe they never “objectified” a woman. Served with fries and our special “Sour Lesbian Feminist Cream.”
The Manti Te’o “Catfish” Platter
Just enough deep-fried catfish to create the appearance of credibility served with our “Hard-To-Believe” Irish Potatoes and our patented Giant Crock of Beans. Extra baloney available with an undeserving Heisman vote or a bogus Facebook account.
The NFL “Rooney Rule” Turkey Sandwich
All white meat. No substitutions unless you are willing to hire Lovie Smith. Double meat if you are willing to hire Romeo Crennel.
The “Tim Tebow-ne” Steak
The most hyped steak in the league despite the fact it can only be fried and not broiled. Always run to your table because it is incapable of being thrown. Only restaurants which need a side-show attraction will be carrying this steak in the near future.
The Jerry Sandusky “Back-Door Sausage Surprise”
Aged, smoked sausage that at first looks friendly, but gets fed to you in a very unwanted manner. Comes with “all-you-can-eat” misplaced shame and guilt. At least the sausage is good and greasy. No longer available on the Kids’ Menu.
The Peyton Manning Choker Sandwich
There’s way too much neck bone and tasty false hope in this this sandwich to ignore it. Comes with options for the “Tony Dungy Play-off Fail Sauce,” the “John Fox-ed It All Up Sauce,” or my personal favorite, the “Bronc-Horsey Ignore All Else Sauce.”