What We’ve Learned From This Football Season – The Aftermath Of “Black Monday” Edition of the 2012 Coaches Death Watch

sword of damocles

Let’s start with the college guys who still had jobs as of our last update:

Mike Price, UTEP

What We Said:

After going 8-4 in each of his first two years, Mike Price has clinched his seventh consecutive losing season at UTEP and has no contract for next year. Color him toast.

What Happened:

Price avoided the ax by retiring.

Paul Johnson, Georgia Tech

What We Said:

Johnson came into this job with some high hopes, and since winning the 2009 ACC title, he’s gone just 18-17 at Georgia Tech, including a 4-5 mark so far this season. Johnson biggest supporter, athletic director Dan Radakovich,  just left for Clemson.  The ground Johnson is standing on is shakier than Oprah Winfrey’s back fat.

What Happened:

Johnson seems to have survived for another season, but if what happened at this year’s Georgia-Georgia Tech game is any indication, things better turn around soon.

Paul Pasqualoni, UConn

What We Said:

It’s really must suck to be the football coach at UConn. First of all, you are completely overshadowed by even women’s basketball. Second, you just got cock-blocked out of joining the ACC. And if you are Paul Pasqualoni, you’ve gone 8-13 in the two years since Randy Edsall got the program into a BCS bowl.  Pasqualoni’s team is so fetid offensively that they couldn’t score in a women’s prison if you gave them a fistful of keys. Pasqualoni survives if nobody else wants the job, which is an even bet considering they have no momentum, recruiting is a fantasy, and they are mired in a dying conference.

What Happened:

I’m pretty sure the powers-that-be at UConn read the tea leaves and realize they would never get anybody to take this job if they fired Pasqualoni now.

Skip Holtz, South Florida

What We Said:

Let’s talk about a guy living off his dad’s reputation – no, not Lane Kiffin…we’ll get to him soon enough.  Holtz has somehow managed to keep getting his name mentioned for some other jobs despite the fact he has only racked up a mediocre mark of 13-12 in his first two seasons at USF. Now this year, the Bullks have only managed a 3-6 mark.  Indications are that Holtz is likely to remain on the USF sideline for at least one more season, but he does have a chance to fail upward.

What Happened:

Holtz got fired, but he didn’t fail upward; he failed laterally. Holtz was named the new head coach at Louisiana Tech.

Lane Kiffin, USC

lane kiffin deep thoughts

What We Said:

Let’s be honest. Lane Kiffin is dogshit as a coach. Here’s a guy who took a pre-season Top 3 ranked team and finished out the the rankings entirely.  Kiffin got a free pass when the team was dealing with NCAA sanction, but it is no likely he can take a potential national championship team, finish with five losses, be a complete douche-nozzle, and survive.  It really wasn’t supposed to be like this. USC was supposed to come out of the gate and just dominate, but have instead faltered, flubbed and failed.

What Happened:

Kiffin retains his job, but enters next season as the #1 guy on the College Coaches Hot Seat list.

Mack Brown, Texas

What We Said:

I get that things really aren’t that bad in Austin.  I get they’ve only lost three games, but those were to new in-state rival TCU, new kid on the Big 12 block West Virginia, and hated old-school rival Oklahoma. I just don’t know how much longer the Texas powers-that-be are going to tolerate mediocrity.  I also think a loss to Kansas State this weekend puts Brown in a shakier position than he’s ever been in before.

What Happened:

Winning their bowl game against Oregon State keep Mack Brown in Austin for at least one more year. But he better beat Oklahoma…

Jim Grobe, Wake Forest

mark may yawning

Mark May has the perfect summation of a Jim Grobe offense.

What We Said:

Welcome to “meh.”  Grobe isn’t great as a coach, and he isn’t terrible either. His big problem is that he once got the Nowhere-land that is Wake Forest football into a BCS bowl game, and now every once in a while he has to face people who still have expectations for the Demon Deacons. He likely survives this season, but he needs to make one of those low-end, 6-win bowl games next year.

What Happened:

Pretty much what we said. Grobe stays on at Wake Forest, but it is “bowl game or bust” in 2013.  He doesn’t even have to win, he just has to get the Demon Deacons in to a bowl game.

Kirk Ferentz, Iowa

What We Said:

Iowa athletic director Gary Barta still loves Ferentz, and the Hawkeye faithful are still filling Kinnick Stadium, but there’s really no denying that Iowa football has taken a downturn.  The Hawkeyes suffered double-digit losses to teams they normally have owned under Ferentz (Penn State and Northwestern), they blew a lead in an ugly loss to lowly Indiana, and they finished this season 4-8…dead last in the B1G Legends Division and will miss out on a bowl game for only the second time in the last dozen years.  In fact, since they won the 2010 Orange Bowl, Iowa has been just barely better than a .500 team, going 19-16. The fans were turning on Ferentz even before the Indiana loss, and losing to Purdue at home for the first time at home since the first Bush administration didn’t help. If the fans quit showing up, look for a package deal where Barta and Ferentz both get the gate.

What Happened:

Ferentz has a similar situation to Grobe. Nobody seems to be in a big hurry to get rid of him, but he does need to deliver something to the Hawkeye faithful in 2013. It doesn’t have to be a Big Ten title, but a decent bowl game is in order.

Now, for the NFL guys who should be updating their LinkedIn pages right about now…

Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers

norv turner away

What We Said:

How many years am I going to have Norv Turner at the top of the “has GOT to get fired” hit parade, only to watch him not get fired?  Let’s face it, this butt-loaf should have been shown the door three years ago, but he always seems to wiggle his way off the hook.  My guess is Norv has picture’s of Chargers’ owner Alex Spanos fucking a water buffalo.  Even that sort of job security has to run out eventually.

What Happened:

Norv finally got fired today.

Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles

What We Said:

Reid is the hard-luck king of the NFL over the past few years, and while I am life-long Eagles’ fan, it is time to part ways.  Frankly, the Eagles have done nothing to help Reid. He was the one smart enough to know the McNabb era was over.  The trouble was he never was given a quarterback to replace him with.  Reid knew Michael Vick was a veritable “bag of magic beans,” but what was his alternative after Kevin Kolb got hurt? Vince Fucking Young….let that sink in for a moment.

Vaya con dios, Andy. I wish you nothing but the best on the job you get 45 minutes after Philadelphia fires you.

What Happened:

In a move that surprised nobody, the Andy Reid era in Philadelphia ended today.  Look for Andy Reid to be the new coach of the Chargers.

Romeo Crennel, Kansas City Chiefs

What We Said:

There’s two reasons why Romeo Crennel keeps getting head coaching jobs.  One, because he had success as a coordinator under Bill Belichick in New England.  Two, because the “Rooney Rule” is just the NFL’s version of affirmative action.  Crennel is a well-liked guy, but he’s a shitty head coach. His stint in Cleveland is forgivable, because Vince Lombardi himself couldn’t win with that pile of dog barf the Browns were trotting on to the field.  But Kansas City is a different deal entirely.  The Chiefs have talent, they play in the weakest division in the NFL, and despite that, they define dismal.

Cue homage to Johnny Carson in 3..2..1…

The Kansas City Chiefs are sooooooo bad…

How bad are they????

The Kansas City Chiefs are so bad that when Dexter McCluster delivered a Meal-on-Wheels to an elderly shut-in, she told him ”Ya’ll better start winning some games.” In other words, here’s a woman who would be eating her own foot had McCluster not shown up, and yet she still verbally ball-tags him.

What Happened:

The inevitable…Crennel was fired today.

Rex Ryan, New York Jets

What We Said:

Here’s another guy who got no help from his general manager. Mike Tannebaum should be the one getting his walking papers in New York, but Sexy Rexy gets to be the fall guy for a GM who did nothing while a team that made two straight AFC Championship games got old and disintegrated right before our very eyes.

Thanksgiving night’s debacle against the Patriots officially marked the point when the New York Jets became the laughing stock of the NFL.

Rex Ryan will take the fall, but the sad state of the Jets rests squarely on the shoulders of Tannebaum and owner Woody Johnson. They are the ones who brought in Tim Tebow when Ryan made it clear he needed a quarterback. The fact that Ryan got this team into two AFC Championship games with Mark Sanchez was a minor miracle, even with the dominant defense the Jets had.

Tannebaum and Johnson also did nothing when that defense turned into a collection of graybeards. They did nothing when they realized the offensive line had two Pro Bowlers and three lunch wagons. They did nothing when it became clear the receivers couldn’t catch herpes if you stapled them to a Kardashian.

What was their solution for those problems? Tim Tebow.

This is why Sexy Rexy will have another job before his footprints out of town have a chance to get cold.

What Happened:

In a moment of clarity, the Jets retained Ryan and fired Tannebaum.

Pat Shurmur, Cleveland Browns

What We Said:

New owner Jimmy Haslem isn’t letting any grass grow under his well-shod feet. In no time at all since assuming control of the Browns, Haslem got rid of Team President Mike Holmgren and replaced him with former Philadelphia Eagles President Joel Banner.  Pat Shurmur can’t help but to keep shooting his own foot.  He’s got to be gone at season’s end.

What Happened:

Shurmur was fired today.

Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys

Jason Garrett: He's no Tom Landry.

Jason Garrett: He’s no Tom Landry.

What We Said:

Garrett is the wild card.  Jerry Jones has been know to hang on to failed coaches far too long, and it is clear Garrett has failed.  But Jerry Jones has also been known to hit the “international Enough Line” with little warning, at which point he starts whacking everybody like Robert DeNiro in GoodFellas.  This time next year, is Jason Garrett on the Cowboys’ sideline, or is he on a hook in the back of a freezer truck? Your guess is as good as ours.

What Happened:

Whatever is going to happen hasn’t happened as of this writing. Last night’s debacle, yet another season-ending loss, really can’t help Garrett’s future.

There were also a few guys who got fired today who we didn’t mention…

Chan Gailey, Buffalo Bills

There really isn’t any reason to fire Chan Gailey if you were stupid enough to hire him in the first place. You hired the idiot, now take your medicine like a man. I’ve been a long-standing detractor of Gailey’s all the way back to his earliest days as an offensive coordinator. Let’s just hope we’ve all learned our lesson and we are done with this butt-loaf permanently.

Ken Whisenhunt, Arizona Cardinals

Remember that team that went into Foxboro and beat the Patriots and was 4-0 at one poin?. Yeah, nobody else does either, largely because that team was apparently kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a junior high team. Since that 4-0 start, the Cards went 1-11 and defined the term “terrible.” Simply nothing worked for Arizona, and while it may not have all been Whisenhunt’s fault, somebody had to be the “fall guy.”

Lovie Smiith, Chicago Bears

Don’t buy all the crap you hear coming out of the dopes at ESPN about how “this was a surprising move” and “that Smith didn’t deserve to get fired.”  He totally deserved to get fired, and if you are a regular reader of Dubsism, you knew why he deserved it three weeks ago.

6 responses

  1. Love how on point you are with so many of your NFL guys. I’m only a casual college viewer so I can’t comment on those ones. But I definitely think Jason Garrett has to go. Little mistakes all the time and he gets outcoached all the times. It’s hard to believe that he is all that bright. Certainly not suited to lead a team. If a team he head coaches ever wins, it won’t be in large part because of him.

  2. Lovie deserves to be toast. His lack of energy shot through that organization and created a culture of laziness and mediocrity. 7-1 and not playing in January? Ouch.

    Whisenhunt surprsies me because he’s the most recent coach with a Super Bowl appreance that did get it in the can. Lovie was a whole two years before him.

    But was that Arizona Cardinals team better than the team that Whishenhunt though he was coaching? Of course it was, they were good because they were good. Their collapse this year was epic. I’m not sure he deserved it but I can see why they did it.

    On the other hand, Chan Gailey deserved it. Gailey also had a lot of explaining to do because they got Mario Williams from a great team and they still got ran on defense all fucking year long.

    Do you think that if Andy Reid relocates to San Diego he will finally start to lose some goddamned weight?

    Meehan

  3. One metric on Reid…he had achieved 64 career regular season wins by Christmas 2004. He only had 66 more after that date. Bottom line was 64-30 early on…66-63-1 down the stretch. Philly has been more than patient. Not that the national media will tell anyone. He’s been a .500 coach in a sometimes “flabby” NFC East for awhile now.

    1. That’s a pretty brutal stat…

  4. I’m starting to think Lane Kiffin is Dan Quayle’s doppleganger. Can you dredge up some photos to make that happen?

    1. I’ll pass that on to our Doppelganger Research team.

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