Signs We Are Near The End of Civilization: Live Broadcasting an Xbox Version of the NHL

This is why the National Hockey League is screwed.

I’m a big hockey fan, and I know I’m missing the game, but I also know that if Commissioner Gary Bettman would work on settling this shit rather than worrying about the remnants of his reputation, they might actually be hockey being played.

Now, if you are a hockey fan, you are already pretty much fucked, because life sucks when your favorite sport is locked out. Can you imagine what would be happeing in this country if the NFL were cancelling regular-season games?

Now, imagine you are a hockey fan, your sport is locked-out, and you live in Columbus, Ohio. If you’ve never been to Columbus, picture Cleveland without the glamour. In other words, there’s only three things to do in Columbus:

  1. Watching the Columbus Blue Jackets lose
  2. Knob-Slobbing Urban Meyer (or whoever is currently cheating at Ohio State)
  3. Drinking to the point of brain damage

Bad things happen if you take away one of those three.  The other night, Columbus Blue Jackets would have played the Vancouver Canucks.  But since the NHL is having a labor-related hissy-fit, that didn’t happen. So what did all those desparate, drunken Blue Jackets do instead?

Apparently, the R Bar (How’s that for a clever name?), which also happens to be the Blue Jackets “home” bar, held an XBox simulation of the game that was supposed to be played. In other words, they found a way to get people to watch other people playing video games.

This can only mean Columbus is the most boring city in America.

Just picture it…all 237 “die-hard” Blue Jackets fans, slouched over what cheap-shit beer they drink in Columbus, watching a couple dudes play Xbox.  Not only are they watching this, they are getting into it.

But wait, it gets better.  It seems there is such precious little to do in Ohio’s capital city that the real Blue Jackets announcers showed up to call this psuedo-game.  According to the video, the crowd went batshit when George Matthews and Bill Davidge showed up to call the Xbox simulation.

Blades of Steel was awesome, but cheering for any video game is a cry for help.

Seriously, watch the video.  Remember that you are watching people watching two dudes playing a video game.

In a weird way, I feel the Blue Jackets fan’s pain.  I miss the NHL too, and I’ve been to Columbus; I spent twenty years there one night. It’s not exactly an exciting place.  If I lived there, I could totally see myself showing up for this event. After all, what the fuck else is there to do in Columbus on a Friday night? You can only kill yourself once…

The good news is that clearly Columbus loves the Blue Jackets. Of course they do, what the hell else do they have?

The best part: you that even thought this was a video game, the Blue Jackets probably still lost.

About these ads

5 responses

  1. I’m gonna make Wayne Gretzky’s head bleed for Superfan number 99 over here.

  2. Blades of Steel simulation might be the Blue Jackets best chance of winning the Stanley Cup!

  3. I’m confused…isn’t watching the Columbus Blue Jackets lose and drinking yourself to the point of brain damage the same thing?

    Meehan

    1. No, but they do go hand in hand.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 120 other followers

%d bloggers like this: