First of all, we need to define “butt-chugging.”
From Urban Dictionary:
Butt Chugging – The act of ingesting alcohol through one’s rectum. The idea is to increase the alcohol’s effect and the speed with which one becomes intoxicated.
OK, now that you know that, you likely won’t be shocked to discover the story which spawned post originated in a college fraternity. If you are familiar with the SEC, you won’t be shocked to heat the fraternity in question is at Tennessee (or your shocked it wasn’t at Georgia, but that’s another story).
Now that you understand the premise here, you’ve likely already figured out there are two ways to cover this story. First, there is the serious way, because there are some serious implications here. From USA Today:
The University of Tennessee has indefinitely suspended a fraternity for allegedly giving a 20-year-old student an “alcohol enema” that sent him to the hospital last weekend, WBIR-TV reports.
Pi Kappa Alpha pleaded guilty to seven charges of misconduct related to underage drinking Sept. 22 and two charges for an Aug. 31 incident. Monday, the university and the international fraternity took initial steps to suspend the Knoxville “Z chapter” of the “Pikes.” The chapter surrendered its charter today.
I’m not going to get all “After-School Special” here, but underage drinking, particularly this sort of binge drinking, does get people killed. There’s nothing funny about that.
The university said in a statement that it “will not consider allowing the fraternity to reorganize at UT until spring 2015. The university reserves the right to extend the suspension as deemed appropriate.”
Early last Saturday, Alexander “Xander” Broughton was brought to the university medical center with a blood alcohol level of .448, more than five times the legal limit, says the station, which owned by Gannett, USA TODAY’s parent. Police believe he and other fraternity members were given alcohol “enemas,” in which rubber tubing is inserted into the rectum to bypass the liver and speed the effects of booze.¹ Photos showed the frat house littered with boxes of wine, trash and blood.²
I refuse to make jokes in this section, which is why passages here have been foot-noted for later reference. Again, this kid could have ended up dead or brain-damaged from a blood alcohol content that high, and again, there’s nothing funny about that.
Broughton and his family have denied the “enema” claims, however, according to WBIR, a.k.a. 10News.
Broughton’s father, Mark, told 10News that his son’s medical records show his son’s liver was “fried,” proving to him that his son drank the wine rather than ingested it via an enema.
Mark Broughton said the wine was all consumed during a game of “Tour de Franzia,” a wine-chugging game also noted in the police report. During that game, players pass around the bags from boxes of wine and chug the alcohol, seeing who can finish first without vomiting.
Both Broughton’s father and the police report note that Xander Broughton won the game that night.³
Mark Broughton also told 10News that fraternity members are gathering signed affidavits to dispute the information that has been released. Those affidavits reportedly deny that the alcohol enemas took place on the night in question or ever.
Based on Broughton’s injuries when he arrived at the hospital, campus police initially believed he had been sexually assaulted.
There’s a key to all of this hidden in those last two sentences, and if you are a regular reader of this blog, you know I’ve got little chance of going much farther with this topic staying on the serious side. That brings us to the Dubsism way to cover it, because for all that other stuff we said isn’t funny, there an ass-load of stuff that is (yeah, that pun was totally intended…)
First, here’s the list of jokes I refused to make in the “serious” section, BUTT you know damn good and well I couldn’t pass them up.
- “Police believe he and other fraternity members were given alcohol ‘enemas,’ in which rubber tubing is inserted into the rectum to bypass the liver and speed the effects of booze.” Seems times have changed. Back in my day, you gave college girls booze so you could get more than a rubber tube into them.
- “Photos showed the frat house littered with boxes of wine, trash and blood.” Not so much on the blood, but you could easily get pictures of my house littered with empty wine containers as Mrs. Dubsism lover herself some wine. But I would never let her “butt-chug” it, not because there’s anything weird about that, it’s just when she’s drinking, at least she’s not fucking talking.
- “Both Broughton’s father and the police report note that Xander Broughton won the game that night.” Congratulations, dumbass. There are no winners in a game in which the “winners” end up in the emergency room. Even guys like Rob Dyrdek, who makes a living off people taking serious skateboard-related groin damage know that.
Second, let’s just boil this down to the essentials here, because no matter in which order you put the cars, this train is headed to Bad Shit Happening City.
This story takes place at a college fraternity, which is just an incubator for bad shit.
This story involves alcohol, which is just steroids for bad shit.
As we go through this story, no matter whose version you believe, somebody got something stuck up their butt, and more often than not, that situation either starts out bad, and even if it doesn’t, it has far too much potential to go horribly wrong, at which you are right back in Bad Shit Happening City.
Having said all that, let’s look at a style of coverage more in tune with the Dubsism philosophy.
The University of Tennessee had quite the scandal […] when a member of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity was accused of butt chugging wine. The alleged butt chugger was hospitalized with a reported .4 BAC, and the fraternity was eventually suspended. Today, the entire fraternity held a press conference to deny accusations that the accused butt chugger, Alexander P. Broughton, actually butt chugged any wine.
Tongue twister time: How much wine would a butt-chugger chug if a butt-chugger butt-chugged wine?
Somebody wants us to believe the answer is none. I’m willing to buy that, because thankfully, I wasn’t there. I don’t know for sure what happened. But I do know there was a belief amongst law enforcement and/or medical personnel based on professional observation that something had been stuck in this kid’s butt.
If it wasn’t wine, then what was it? And if it wasn’t wine, then why did the story take the following twist?
As Outkick the Coverage notes, it’s hard to determine which part is the funniest/most shameful for the fraternity and their lawyer, Daniel McGehee. But I’m going to go with the part where, within the first two minutes, McGehee adamantly denies that that the alleged butt chugger is gay.
“Mr. Broughton denies each and every allegation whatsoever that has been inferred that he may have been a gay man. He is a straight man. And he thinks the idea and concept of butt chugging is repulsive.”
I’m not going to cast any aspersions here. Just go to the video at the bottom of this page and see it for yourself. Right below that video, commenter MauryCompson offers the perfect summation of that press conference.
“And now to prove that he is not a homosexual butt chugger, my client will have this box of pink Zinfandel poured into his anus. Look at him folks! Does he appear to be enjoying this? Does that look like a man who is a homosexual butt chugger? Look how the wine erupts from his sphincter! Look at his grimace! Not convinced? Watch as his fraternity brother rubs his genitals on my client’s face. Does he look happy? Does he look aroused? I invite any male member of the press to come up and fondle his penis and balls! Go ahead place it in your mouth, tickle his balls! He will not get erect! I would now like to answer any questions the media might have.”
What’s not a mystery is this kid got a lot of booze into his body via some route of entry, the lab reports don’t lie. But the real mystery here isn’t how this kid ended up with a blood-alcohol content north of .4; the real question here is two-fold.
First of all, why is this kid so worried about the gay thing? It does sound a bit like “thou dost protest too much.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
Second of all, what was actually was in this kid’s butt? I’m certainly no expert on this subject, but thanks to on of my former jobs, I can definitely nominate a full-blown expert in the field. Once upon a time, I was a an IT security dude, a gig which largely consisted of cleaning up and tracking all the porn you perverts download at work. To make a long story short, I’ve seen it all, and while I’m not necessarily happy about that, it does allow me to offer the perfect person to solve this mystery.
Enter porn star Ava Devine. If you aren’t familiar with with woman’s work, let me put it this way. If there were a “Sticking Things In Your Butt Hall of Fame,” Devine would easily slide in on the first ballot. Jokes aside, there can’t be anybody on the face of the planet who would know more about rear entry and the results thereof.
Having said that, I’m not she has ever butt-chugged. Well, not wine, anyway.