A Dubsism Breakdown of SportsChump’s Ten Perfectly Valid Reasons To Hate The Los Angeles Lakers

Naturally, this all stems from the Dwight Howard trade. For purposes of full disclosure, SportsChump is one of the few bloggers we here at Dubsism have any respect for; in fact J-Dub been interviewed on his site, and has appeared on SportsChump’s podcast.

Having said all that, the Chump saw fit to launch a Scud Missile directly into the heart of Downtown Dubsylvania with his rantings on the Los Angeles Lakers; he came up with what he considers ten perfectly valid reasons to hate the Los Angeles Lakers.  Since SportsChump lives in the greater Central Florida area and therefore has allegiances to the Orlando Magic, he owns a tremendous level of butt-hurt over the trade that sent “Superman” to the shadow of the Sunset Strip.

Despite his personal stake in all of this, he still manages to make some valid points; yet points that nevertheless need a patented Dubsism breakdown.

10)  Their team is better than yours at pretty much everything.

Well, what can I say? The Lakers don’t suck and the Magic do.  That’s not the Lakers’ fault. I know it’s fashionable in this country now to play this “working class hero” game and cry about how the big guy got big by screwing the little guy, but nothing could be further from the truth, especially in sports.

First of all, the only reason anybody gives a dribbling fuck about the NBA is because of teams like the Lakers.  Face it, the NBA is a league which is literally carried by about 5 or 6 “big” franchises. You can bitch about salary caps and the like all you want, but at the end of the day, it is those “big” franchises that pay the freight for this league.  If you think that is a problem now, wait 20 or so years when the NBA has legitimate overseas competition. Wait until guys are bolting for Spain, Italy, or China as well as Los Angeles.

Here’s what it comes down to…Jerry Buss didn’t force Orlando to hire a knucklehead like Otis Smith or any other microencephalic the Magic have had in the front office.  Maybe if thew Magic had hired Ron Jeremy instead of his look-alike, they might now how to screw somebody.

9) Courtside tickets to home games cost more than you make in a month.

So, now all of sudden the Laker Haters want elbow-rubbing seats with Jack Nicholson? Puh-leeze. This is but one of many ways how the Lakers pay the electric bill for the league bottom-feeders.

8 ) Ron Artest still plays for them under perhaps the most, inappropriate pseudonym ever.

Completely, undeniably valid.  I can’t stand Ron Artest; I would personally pay for his ticket our of town if the Lakers could find a taker for this ass-loaf.  Furthermore, I refuse to use that stupid name he conjured up for himself.

7 ) Jack and Dyan

This one is pretty valid too, and not just because we’ve all grown really weary of the “celebrity in the seats” routine which Fox morphed into one of the most obnoxious cross-promotional tools ever.  Realistically, I couldn’t care less who is in the crowd, so long as they actually understand just what the hell they are watching.

However, I think this is on the Chump’s radar because  because nobody of any real importance ever lived in Orlando. If you were to put the three biggest Orlando celebrities in the crowd, get ready for Wayne Brady, Carrot Top, and Casey Anthony.

By the way, this point is only made worse by the fact that I hate John Mellencamp nearly as much as I hate Ron Artest. To top it off, I now live in Indiana, where I have to hear that fucking “Jack and Diane” song about 200 times a day, and each time it gives me hemmorhoidal flare-up so bad the veins in my ass throb like Neil Peart’s kick-drums.

6) Over the past forty years, they are the most successful team in terms of overall winning percentage in professional sports. It’s true, do the math.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. 

5 ) They got Mark Madsen and Isaiah Rider a ring but couldn’t get one for Gary Payton and Karl Malone.

This one is also undeniably true, but to be fair, Karl Malone really belongs on the list of guys all true Lakers fans should really hate. On another note, on behalf of Lakers fans everywhere, I apologize for unleashing the “Madsen Dance” on the world.

4) Steve Nash will reach 10,000 career assists in a Lakers uniform this season and then pass Magic Johnson for fourth all-time a few weeks after that. One of those assists will be to either Kobe or Dwight. He’ll celebrate by placing his bangs behind his ears.

Another utterly true statement. It’s also true that assist won’t be to Hedo Fucking Turkoglu. However, it is also true that by the time he gets to make that assist, Nash may be honestly mistaken for grayed-out punk rock icon Iggy Pop.

3) Laker fans have never, not for one minute, known an ounce of suffering. (Sorry, Bleed, Dub and JM, but you know it’s true.)

That’s not true. While it may be true that Laker fans have not known very much suffering, we have see some horrors, as evidenced in the following photo:

Yes, that is the one and only Don Nelson in his days as a Laker.  Many people forget about Don Nelson and his role in defeating  several Laker teams, especially the ones he played on from 1963-1965, which is hard to imagine considering he a) also played for the Celtics and b) coached every single team in the NBA except  the Lakers, and at least 40 or 50 in Europe. This, of course, led to a rule here at Dubsism: “If Don Nelson is the answer, I don’t want to know the question.”

2) Players from those 1980s championship teams STILL don’t have to buy a drink in that town.

Well, of course they don’t.  One of them now owns the Dodgers and another became one of the only guys to be in one of the greatest comedies of all time and fight Bruce Lee on screen.

1)  Oh yeah…. Dwight friggin’ Howard.

Ok, I’ll take another “rich get richer” shot, but be honest, it’s not like Howard wasn’t leaving anyway.  Face it, Orlando…you were just Howard’s high-school girlfriend. You may have had some tender moments in the back seat of his car, but once he hit the big-time, handjobs with Bon Jovi on the radio just weren’t going to cut it anymore.

That’s not your fault, Orlando; it really isn’t anybody’s fault. It’s just the way it is.

11 responses

  1. I feel vindicated, yet still somehow dirty.

    Oh, and Tiger Woods is a Magic fan, or at least he used to be when he was hanging out at the local Perkins.

    1. The waitress at that Perkins says both Tiger Woods and Hedo Turkoglu dribble before they shoot…(rimshot)

  2. 0. Stupid frickin name for a California team.

    1. Also true. The worst has to be “Utah Jazz,” however.

  3. Chump’s was better… and sorry, you don’t know suffering if suffering means “we lost a bunch… in the finals”. Lakers fans have been on top of the NBA since they took the team away from Minneapolis.

    1. Los Angeles didn’t take the Lakers away. Minneapolis gave them away. Here’s why.

      1) Even when the Minneapolis Lakers were winners, they never really had a home. In their 12 years in Minneapolis, the Lakers had three homes: The Minneapolis Auditorium, with 10,000 seats. The Minneapolis Armory, with 7,000 seats, and The St. Paul Auditorium, with 8,000 seats. Worse yet, at times they would rotate amongst these venues during the same season. It was not uncommon for ticket-holders to show up at the wrong arena, or to have games moved on short notice due to scheduling conflicts. They spent the majority of time in the Minneapolis Armory, which was drafty, had a leaking roof, and was generally one of the worst arena ion the league.

      2) When the Lakers’ championship run was over, the Minneapolis fans stopped showing up.

      3) Minneapolis was by far the least popular stop in the league. Spend a weekend there in February and you’ll quickly see why.

      4) Minneapolis Laker owner Bob Short wanted out of Minnesota for the above reasons. He was ready to go to either Chicago or San Francisco, but when the Dodgers moved to Los Angeles and became a huge financial success, the days of ignoring Los Angeles as major league sports city were over.

      5) Minneapolis is a terrible basketball town. The Lakers left, the ABA failed there, and the Timberwolves are by far the red-headed step child of Twin Cities’ sports. The winter sports in Minnesota is hockey, and basketball will never be able to compete with it there. There’s a reason why the NBA stayed out of Minnesota for thirty years, and have almost left twice since then.

      1. So bad they got another team. 10k seat arenas in the 50’s are not exactly terrible. I suspect in another 50 years people will say the same things about Seattle. And LA fans have still never suffered. They think they have but that’s after years of being spoiled. The worst LA period ever was highlighted by Nick Van Exel with Vlade Divac and/or Kobe/Odom/Butler followed by a Kobe/Odom team that actually played better. The franchise even started in LA with Elgin Baylor AND Jerry West. Continued on to Connie Hawkins, Gail Goodrich, West, Chamberlain. Spent one season without West and THEN got Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Then added Magic, James Worthy, Michael Cooper, Byron Scott and rode all those guys till the 90’s. After that they still had Worthy, along with Sedale Threatt, Divac, Anthony Peeler, Scott and Sam Perkins. Then had ‘rock bottom’ with a super young team of Divac/Van Exel, George Lynch, Doug Christie, still rounded out by Worthy/Threatt. One year later they got Eddie Jones and Cedric Ceballos and were back around 50 wins. Two years later they had Shaq. The entire franchise has spent what, 90% of the time stacked? It’s really crazy when you look at everything.

  4. I love how you put Casey Anthony in there, classic!

    After living in LA for six years, I softened my stance on the Lakers. Also, why wouldn’t a player want to go there. There’s so many stars there, they can pretty much live a normal life. The weather is unbeatable, and they aren’t allergic to the luxury tax. Once again the CBA helped nobody that they were trying to help….

    1. You know I grew up in various Southern California locales, but I always wondered why the Bay area couldn’t have been host to Lakers North? Granted, there is a weather difference, but you can’t tell me The Bay is without it’s charms. There has to be a guy who would love to be the Jerry Buss of San Francisco.

      1. The Niners and Raiders were pretty strong for a long time, but with hoops we got screwed with Cohan for the last couple decades. Maybe Ellison was that guy, but he didn’t take the other group bidding on the W’s serious enough and missed the deadline…

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