Rex Ryan and Tim Tebow: The Introduction

Be warned the following post is Rated “R” largely because it includes an uncensored Rex Ryan…

The other day, the New York Jets introduced their new media sensation to the New York press. While that press conference was widely covered, the introduction between Tim Tebow and Jets coach Rex Ryan was kept largely under wraps.  Until now.

Lets’ be honest…nobody really knows how this relationship is going to play out in the future, but we do know that you really couldn’t find two more divergent personalities. However, thanks to our vast network of spies, we here at Dubsism did manage to obtain a transcript of the first meeting of the two men who promise to dominate the New York football headlines for the immediate future.

TT: (knocks on office door) Coach Ryan, are you in here?

RR: What the fuck is up, kid? Come on in. (throws Tebow a beer) Have a brewski, kid!

TT: Uh, thanks Coach, but I don’t…

RR: (interrupts) Don’t you shit me now, boy! I ain’t never met a catholic yet who didn’t like to get good an’ fucked up. Now sit your ass down and have a beer with your new coach.

TT: (stares uncomfortably at the beer) But I’m not catholic, Sir. I’m a Christian.

RR: What the fuck ever. So, what can I do for you?

TT: Well, Sir…

RR: (interrupts) First of all, you’re gonna have to knock off that “Sir” bullshit. Call me either “Rex” or “Coach.”

TT: OK…well, Sir…er, I mean Coach Rex, I just thought I would come by, introduce myself, and maybe get a playbook.

RR: Well, don’t worry about the playbook quite yet. We really don’t quite know what the hell we are going to do yet.

TT: Whatever you say, Coach.  I will do whatever the team needs.

RR: (cracks another beer) No, you’ll do whatever the fuck I tell you. You gonna drink that beer or are you waiting until you change your tampon?

TT: But, Coach, I tried to tell you that I don’t drink.

RR: (Leans forward in his chair) I told you to drink that fuckin’ beer.  Now drink it.

TT: (cracks beer, pretends to take a sip) Uhhh, this stuff smells like Kyle Orton.

RR: That’s better. Now let me tell you what I’m thinking here. People like you, kid, and that’s gonna be a big help when they figure out the team isn’t any good.  I can’t figure out why they re-signed that pile of monkey nuts Sanchez. God, he sucks (facepalm).  Anyway, eventually I want you to do here what you did in Denver. I don’t have the first fuckin’ clue how you did that, but I will tell you this. Your relationship with the media and your off-field activities will be as important as what you do on the fuckin’ field.

TT: I’m not sure I understand what you mean, Coach…

RR: Listen here, Opie.  You could get away with selling that “Charlie Church” routine out there in Denver, Punksylvania, but here in New York, the media is always going to be looking for cracks in your story, and somebody is eventually going to get some fuckin’ dirt on you. Nothing will kill you faster than getting caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. You don’t like feet by any chance, do you?

TT: Excuse me, Coach?

RR: Never mind. The point is that eventually your little altar boy routine is going to get blown up.

TT: But it’s not a “routine,” Coach.

RR: Yeah. Of course it isn’t, kid. And I can see my own dick without putting a mirror on the floor (chuckles).

TT: Honest, Coach. I’m not pretending for anything. I really believe in…

RR: (interrupts) Yeah, yeah, yeah…what the fuck ever. Look kid, just understand that here there will be tons of skanks who would love to be on the front page for suckin’ your guts out through the end of your dick. All it takes is one to fuck this whole thing up.

TT: That won’t be a problem, Coach.

RR: It better not be, or else this will happen to you  (leans toward the door in his chair). HEY SANCHEZ!!! GET YOUR COCK-LOVING ASS IN HERE!!!  NOW!!! (Sanchez enters the room in a Pulp Fiction-type “Gimp” outfit, complete with shock-collar)

RR: This here’s the deal, boy (pulls a remote control out of his desk). It’s one thing to be a shitty quarterback, hell, this league is full of them. But it’s another to be a shitty quarterback who is a liability off the field.  See what he’s wearing? The outfit is all because this jerk-off got caught porking a 17-year old last year. So now, he gets to wear the “Suit of Shame” (presses button, at which time Sanchez becomes a screaming electro-convulsive pile of uncontrolled bodily functions).  Some people just have to learn the hard way (looks down at Sanchez). Don’t they, Dipshit?

Sanchez: (screams muffled by leather zipper mask)

TT: (horrified, drops beer) Oh, my…I mean, I understand, Coach.

RR: You goddamn well better, kid. You’re here because Electro-Nuts down there doesn’t seem to get the message . I’d really hate to have to pump 50,000 volts through your Holy Trinity (hits button again).

Sanchez: (screams muffled by leather zipper mask)

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4 responses

  1. I wish I could do fiction stuff. This was fuckin’ funny.

    Meehan

  2. Kadrice Roberts | Reply

    As always dub, you crack me up man. Keep ‘em comin’ …. ( that ” came ” out wrong ) goddamnit …. What Meehan said !

  3. Best part is, Ryan didn’t need to buy Sanchez that gimp outfit.

    He had it from back in his USC days.

  4. The question when will Tebow get tired of his “happiness,” flip out and reveal the true demons that he hides. Cheers!

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