Be warned the following post is Rated “R” largely because it includes an uncensored Rex Ryan…
The other day, the New York Jets introduced their new media sensation to the New York press. While that press conference was widely covered, the introduction between Tim Tebow and Jets coach Rex Ryan was kept largely under wraps. Until now.
Lets’ be honest…nobody really knows how this relationship is going to play out in the future, but we do know that you really couldn’t find two more divergent personalities. However, thanks to our vast network of spies, we here at Dubsism did manage to obtain a transcript of the first meeting of the two men who promise to dominate the New York football headlines for the immediate future.
TT: (knocks on office door) Coach Ryan, are you in here?
RR: What the fuck is up, kid? Come on in. (throws Tebow a beer) Have a brewski, kid!
TT: Uh, thanks Coach, but I don’t…
RR: (interrupts) Don’t you shit me now, boy! I ain’t never met a catholic yet who didn’t like to get good an’ fucked up. Now sit your ass down and have a beer with your new coach.
TT: (stares uncomfortably at the beer) But I’m not catholic, Sir. I’m a Christian.
RR: What the fuck ever. So, what can I do for you?
TT: Well, Sir…
RR: (interrupts) First of all, you’re gonna have to knock off that “Sir” bullshit. Call me either “Rex” or “Coach.”
TT: OK…well, Sir…er, I mean Coach Rex, I just thought I would come by, introduce myself, and maybe get a playbook.
RR: Well, don’t worry about the playbook quite yet. We really don’t quite know what the hell we are going to do yet.
TT: Whatever you say, Coach. I will do whatever the team needs.
RR: (cracks another beer) No, you’ll do whatever the fuck I tell you. You gonna drink that beer or are you waiting until you change your tampon?
TT: But, Coach, I tried to tell you that I don’t drink.
RR: (Leans forward in his chair) I told you to drink that fuckin’ beer. Now drink it.
TT: (cracks beer, pretends to take a sip) Uhhh, this stuff smells like Kyle Orton.
RR: That’s better. Now let me tell you what I’m thinking here. People like you, kid, and that’s gonna be a big help when they figure out the team isn’t any good. I can’t figure out why they re-signed that pile of monkey nuts Sanchez. God, he sucks (facepalm). Anyway, eventually I want you to do here what you did in Denver. I don’t have the first fuckin’ clue how you did that, but I will tell you this. Your relationship with the media and your off-field activities will be as important as what you do on the fuckin’ field.
TT: I’m not sure I understand what you mean, Coach…
RR: Listen here, Opie. You could get away with selling that “Charlie Church” routine out there in Denver, Punksylvania, but here in New York, the media is always going to be looking for cracks in your story, and somebody is eventually going to get some fuckin’ dirt on you. Nothing will kill you faster than getting caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. You don’t like feet by any chance, do you?
TT: Excuse me, Coach?
RR: Never mind. The point is that eventually your little altar boy routine is going to get blown up.
TT: But it’s not a “routine,” Coach.
RR: Yeah. Of course it isn’t, kid. And I can see my own dick without putting a mirror on the floor (chuckles).
TT: Honest, Coach. I’m not pretending for anything. I really believe in…
RR: (interrupts) Yeah, yeah, yeah…what the fuck ever. Look kid, just understand that here there will be tons of skanks who would love to be on the front page for suckin’ your guts out through the end of your dick. All it takes is one to fuck this whole thing up.
TT: That won’t be a problem, Coach.
RR: It better not be, or else this will happen to you (leans toward the door in his chair). HEY SANCHEZ!!! GET YOUR COCK-LOVING ASS IN HERE!!! NOW!!! (Sanchez enters the room in a Pulp Fiction-type “Gimp” outfit, complete with shock-collar)
RR: This here’s the deal, boy (pulls a remote control out of his desk). It’s one thing to be a shitty quarterback, hell, this league is full of them. But it’s another to be a shitty quarterback who is a liability off the field. See what he’s wearing? The outfit is all because this jerk-off got caught porking a 17-year old last year. So now, he gets to wear the “Suit of Shame” (presses button, at which time Sanchez becomes a screaming electro-convulsive pile of uncontrolled bodily functions). Some people just have to learn the hard way (looks down at Sanchez). Don’t they, Dipshit?
Sanchez: (screams muffled by leather zipper mask)
TT: (horrified, drops beer) Oh, my…I mean, I understand, Coach.
RR: You goddamn well better, kid. You’re here because Electro-Nuts down there doesn’t seem to get the message . I’d really hate to have to pump 50,000 volts through your Holy Trinity (hits button again).
Sanchez: (screams muffled by leather zipper mask)
What we know: Jamie Moyer will pitch once again this spring; he has been told he will pitch in an exhibition game against Seattle early next week.
What we don’t know: Will Jamie Moyer pitch after that?
We here at Dubsism say he will. There’s some important reasons for that.
1) He still has the competitive fire
In the third inning yesterday against the White Sox, Moyer was clearly pissed at himself when he spiked one of signature soft hooks.
2) He is still the same Jamie Moyer who was effective in Philadelphia
In his second to last start before the end of spring training, Moyer never seemed to get into a rhythm, but he never got into big trouble either. Moyer dominated in his last start, but this time around, he labored through four innings, allowing three runs on seven hits. He also struck out four, walked three, and hit a batter. But he left the game with the Rockies only trailing 3-2.
3) His surgically rebuilt elbow looks to be ready
Despite his struggles; Moyer needed needed 89 pitches to record 16 outs. However, out of those 89 pitches, 51 were for strikes which is how he wriggled off the hook. Not to mention the fact he can throw nearly 90 pitches means the elbow is not a problem.
4) The Rockies need a veteran arm
Moyer has pitched 4,020.1 innings, which is exactly 3,000 more innings than his most seasoned competition Jeremy Guthrie (1,021.1). Moyer’s total is also 1,586 more innings pitched than Guthrie, Jorge de la Rosa (769.2), Jhoulys Chacin (342.1), Tyler Chatwood (142.0), and Esmil Rogers (159.0) combined. Even if you consider longshot Guillermo Moscoso’s 142 Major League innings pitched, it is clear this staff is going to need a seasoned arm to play that “crafty veteran/ersatz pitching coach” role.
The combination of Moyer’s performance (2.77 ERA in 13 innings) and the lack of depth on the Rockies’ pitching staff makes the 49-year old the favorite to secure the fifth spot in the rotation. As previously mentioned, Guillermo Moscoso is a longshot to make the starting five and Tyler Chatwood has struggled to keep his fastball down in the zone.
Right now, the Rockies’ order this spring has been Jeremy Guthrie, Moyer, Juan Nicasio, Jhoulys Chacin, and Drew Pomeranz. There’s an interesting possiblity in sandwiching Moyer’s “couldn’t break glass” fastball between two young fireballers.
Again, we don’t know for sure whether Moyer makes the club, but it looks like a safe bet at this point. Having Said that, let’s close on something about Moyer we do know for sure.
Jamie Moyer Fact: Moyer made his major league debut at Wrigley Field on June 16, 1986, which was the same week “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” opened in theaters.
Editor’s Note: Mr. McGrath has long and storied history in the management of professional sports franchises, most notably as the general manager of the Charlestown Chiefs of the now-defunct Federal League. Oh, and this is probably a good time to mention that Mr. McGrath’s views are his own, and do not necessarily reflect those of Dubsism, our staff, or anybody else whose house you might want to burn to the ground.
To be honest, there’s so much wrong with this story, I really don’t know where to start. I think the best way to make you understand where I’m coming from on this the to begin from today and work backwards.
First of all, somebody needs to explain why anybody thinks having Bill Parcells as an interim head coach is a good idea. I understand that if you are the Saints, you’ve lost your head coach for a year. But you simply just can’t replace him. The first problem you are going to have is why would anybody take the job on a temporary basis. You’re not hiring a temp secretary to re-organize your files; you are placing somebody in a leadership role for a multi-million dollar franchise. If you are the Saints, you really only have two choices – you replace Sean Payton, or you don’t.
If you feel the need to replace Payton, then fire him for being stupid enough to get himself suspended and hire a real, full-time coach. Think about it – what the hell is a temp head coach going to do considering all the current staff of assistants and coordinators will still be there? Speaking of which, why is nobody worried about replacing the others who were suspended? This team is not just without the head coach, it also has lost the general manager and another coach. Because they are taking the same approach they need to be taking with the head coaching spot – simply have somebody who is already on the staff take over for a season. Bringing in a temp will only screw things up worse.
Not to mention, why would anybody take the Saints head coaching job as a temp? Don’t forget, you take this job today, and tomorrow you are going to find out half your defensive players are going to be suspended. Screw that. Besides, there no upside to it for wither you as the temp coach as the team. Think about it, there’s really only two things that can happen. You either preside over a team that underperforms, in which case you say, “Well, what did you expect? I’m just a temp,” or worse yet, you win and now there’s a “coaching controversy.”
Now for the part I really don’t get at all. If you are going to do the “temp” thing, why in the hell would you want Bill Parcells? Does anybody really think Parcells is the kind of guy who would make a good “baby-sitter?” Not at all, he’s a control freak; he’s not going to just be your auto-pilot for a year. Besides, if you are the Saints, why do you want this 70-year old guy who hasn’t been relevant in the NFL in nearly 15 years?
Now, let’s get the the actual bounty thing. Boy, did we blow this all out of proportion. There were people out there who said these guys should get kicked out of the league forever. What a bunch of bullshit. Are bounties wrong? Yes. Is coaches being involved in it wrong? Very much so. Look at the crap I had to go through when that goddamn Reggie Dunlop took out a bounty on that goon from Syracuse Tim McCracken. I told him that you can’t place a bounty on a man’s head; that it could get us all tossed into the klinker. Know what he said to me? “Bullshit.”
Trouble is that asshole was right. Nobody is going to go to jail over this, and worse yet, whether it is football or hockey, there is a shitload of hypocrisy riding on this issue. Forget about the fact that the Charlestown Chiefs drew the biggest crowds in the Federal League after Dunlop turned the Hanson Brothers loose. Think about how this has happened in the NFL before, and it was celebrated. Remember the Bounty Bowl?
The Bounty Bowl was all about an incident in 1989 between bitter rivals in the Philadelphia Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys. The first game in Dallas was noted for allegations that the Philadelphia Eagles put a $200 bounty on the head of Cowboys’ kicker Luis Zendejas, who had been cut by the Eagles earlier that season. These accusations of bounties led to a media circus before the rematch in Philadelphia. The stage was set, between the smell of bounties in the air and those crazy-ass Philadelphia fans.
See, the problem is that everybody knew what was about to happen. The league knew what was about to happen. The players and coaches knew what was about to happen. And sure as shit the television people knew what was about to happen. They were counting on it.
It was CBS Sports who coined the term “Bounty Bowl,” and they went all out with the presentation of this being a shootout at the OK Corral. Their coverage came complete with wanted posters of the offending players with the bounty posted. NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue was in attendance. The stage was set for a melee, and that’s exactly what happened.
Being December in Philadelphia, a recent snowfall had blanketed Veterans Stadium, and the grounds crew did not remove the snow that had piled up for several days. The mix of beer, snow, and bounties created a pro wrestling-style crowd frenzy and those same crazy-ass Philadelphia fans started throwing everything within reach. Verne Lundquist and Terry Bradshaw announced the game for CBS, and they spentdodging snowballs aimed at the broadcast booth, at one point Lundquist stated on the air that an oral surgery a few days prior had not been as unpleasant as broadcasting an Eagles game.
When you go back and look at what happened there, and compare it to the Saints situation, one question becomes clear: Aren’t all defensive players essentially playiong for a bounty? Think about it…defensive players get paid to “blow guys up,” and they have been doing so for years. Players who consistently make “big plays” get paid, plain and simple. Why? Because ESPN loves “big plays;” they make good television.
As far as why bounties are wrong, it is because they are the purest illustration of the hypocrisy of the NFL. The league loves “big plays,” they make the league as television-friendly as it is. It really isn’t anymore complex than that. The NFL needs violence, but it also now is discovering that it needs to worry about the health and safety of the players. However, don’t think for a minute this is based on a legitimate concern for player safety. This is all about money.
See, the trouble is Roger Goodell finds himself straddling a straight razor, and on either side of it is a big lie Goodell and the league have perpetrated. On the one side, he knows that violence, a.k.a. “big plays” are what sells tickets. Goodell and the rest of the NFL leadership know what sells their product, and they also know now the value of star players has sky-rocketed. Look at the situation in Denver. Nobody is going to watch the Broncos if somebody converts Peyton Manning from a $90 million quarterback into a head-popped-off Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot. In other words, in a lot of ways, “player safety” just means “star player safety.”
But on the other side, he’s the commissioner of a league that is in the middle of a plague of lawsuits which are forcing Goodell to act in a manner consistent with a guy who is getting sued. In other words, Goodell is coming down hard on a bounty system not because it effects the “integrity of the game,” but rather because doing so lends creedence to his bullshit position that he cares about player safety. What he and the NFL owners care about is that player safety now threatens to become a major expense on the books. If it weren’t for the lawsuits, the Saints would just be this decade’s answer to the Buddy Ryan Philadelphia Eagles.
And those Eagles were good for business.
A lot of people know Jamie Moyer is the oldest player currently in spring training. If you’ve been following our Jamie Moyer coverage, you know that he’s got a pretty good shot at making the roster of the Colorado Rockies. But simply sticking to that one number obscures some real “WTF” type facts. Here’s 16 Jamie Moyer facts that you may not have known.
FACT: Jamie Moyer was born November 18th, 1962, which was four months before the Beatles released their first album in Britain.
FACT: Moyer was one year and four days old on November 22nd, 1963, the day John F. Kennedy was assasinated; and was six years old during the first moon landing on July 20, 1969.
FACT: Former Notre Dame head basketball coach and current ESPN talking head Digger Phelps is Jamie Moyer’s father-in-law.
FACT: You need to be careful when doing a web search for “Jamie Moyer.” A simple typo can lead you to a comedian named Jaime Moyer.
FACT: In his 25 seasons in the Major Leagues, Moyer has pitched in a total of 49 different ballparks, including 14 that no longer exist.
FACT: Jamie Moyer was the starting pitcher for the Cubs on the last day Wrigley Field didn’t have lights (Wrigley didn’t have night baseball until 1988).
FACT: While most pitchers age like milk, Moyer aged like a fine wine. From ages 27 to 29, Moyer sported a record of 2-11. From ages 38 to 40, Moyer went 54-21.
FACT: Jamie Moyer is second in career wins after the age 40, with 103 (Phil Niekro is the record-holder at 121).
FACT: Jamie Moyer’s best fastball (most recently clocked at 82 mph) would have a hard time getting a speeding ticket in some counties in Texas.
FACT: The Colorado Rockies franchise is entering its 20th season. Jamie Moyer pitched in 141 Major League games before the Rockies ever played their first in 1993.
FACT: 46 players appeared in games for the Rockies in their inaugural season. Only seven of them are older than Jamie Moyer (49) is today.
- OF Dale Murphy, 56
- P Bryn Smith, 56
- P Bruce Hurst, 54
- 1B Andres Galarraga, 51
- P Mark Knudson, 51
- C Danny Sheaffer, 50
- P Jeff Parrett, 50
- OF Daryl Boston, 49
- P Gary Wayne, 49
- LF Jerald Clark, 48
- P Bruce Ruffin, 48
- P Greg Harris, 48
- P Mark Grant, 48
- RF Dante Bichette, 48
- SS Nelson Liriano, 48
- 3B Charlie Hayes, 47
- C Joe Girardi, 47
- OF Gerald Young, 47
- P Steve Reed, 47
- CF Alex Cole, 46
- CF Chris Jones, 46
- P Armando Reynoso, 46
- P Darren Holmes, 46
- P Mike Munoz, 46
- P Willie Blair, 46
- SS Freddie Benavides, 46
- 1B Jay Gainer,45
- 2B Eric Young, 45
- P Mo Sanford, 45
- P Scott Service, 45
- C Eric Wedge, 44
- P Andy Ashby, 44
- P Curt Leskanic, 44
- P Keith Shepherd, 44
- P Lance Painter, 44
- P Scott Aldred, 44
- P Scott Fredrickson, 44
- SS Vinny Castilla, 44
- UT Jim Tatum, 44
- C Jayhawk Owens, 43
- P Butch Henry, 43
- P David Nied, 43
- P Kent Bottenfield, 43
- IF Pedro Castellano, 42
- P Marcus Moore, 41
- 2B Roberto Mejia, 40
FACT: The average age of a Major League manager is now 50. Did you spot the two current managers in the above list? Those aren’t the only current major league managers to whom Moyer is senior. In addition to Eric Wedge and Joe Girardi, Moyer is older than:
- Fredi Gonzalez (Braves), 48
- Dale Sveum (Cubs), 48
- Ozzie Guillen (Marlins), 48
- Robin Ventura (White Sox), 44
- Manny Acta (Indians), 43
- Mike Matheny (Cardinals), 41
- Ruben Amaro, Jr. (Phillies), 47
- Kenny Williams (White Sox), 47
- Jeff Luhnow (Astros), 45
- Dayton Moore (Royals), 45
- Brian Cashman (Yankees), 44
- Jerry DiPoto (Angels), 43
- Neal Huntington (Pirates), 43
- John Mozeliak (Cardinals), 43
- Josh Byrnes (Padres), 42
- Michael Hill (Marlins), 41
- Jed Hoyer (Cubs), 38
- Chris Antonetti (Indians), 37
- Ben Cherington (Red Sox), 37
- Andrew Friedman (Rays), 35
- Alex Anthopoulos (Blue Jays), 34
- Jon Daniels (Rangers), 34
- Tyler Chatwood (27)
- Jhoulys Chacin (24)
- Esmil Rogers (22)
- Jorge de la Rosa (18)
- Jeremy Guthrie (16)
FACT: Moyer has pitched 4,020.1 innings, which is exactly 3,000 more innings than his most seasoned competition Jeremy Guthrie (1,021.1). Moyer’s total is also 1,586 more innings pitched than Guthrie, Jorge de la Rosa (769.2), Jhoulys Chacin (342.1), Tyler Chatwood (142.0), and Esmil Rogers (159.0) combined.
FACT: Not only do Jamie Moyer and Bear Grylls share a resemblance, they also share survival skills.
Originally posted on Sports Blog Movement:
10…9…8… Eventually you get the blinding flash, then the blast wave that crushes everything in its path for miles in every direction, then the radioactive fallout which poisons the landscape into a toxic nuclear wasteland where there simply is no survival.
Then there’s what happened to my bracket. This was beyond collapse; this may have been the worst bracket I’ve ever filled out. If you read any further, be warned that my bracket exploded with such ferocity that radiation may be seeping into your eyeballs at this very moment.
View original 320 more words
That headline is the classic exasperated utterance as the sheet on which any of my brackets were printed gets wadded into a ball and serves as yet another miss as it doinks off the rim of the wastebasket. Every year, I think the NCAA Hockey tournament can save my enjoyment of filling out brackets. Every year, I am FUCKING WRONG! Every year I sear I’m never filling out another bracket ever again, and every year I’m the moth the the college tournament bracket flame…because I’m an idiot.
As the Red/Green show above tells you, I gagged on three of the Frozen Four and have no shot at hitting the winner. The damn WCHA screwed me once again as out of the four teams the conference placed in the tournament, only the Minnesota Golden Gophers advanced to the Frozen Four. At least this is the last year that I need to worry about the WCHA as a factor in this tournament with the tectonic re-alignment that is coming to the college hockey world.
A while back, we here at Dubsism penned a primer comparing the members of the Western Collegiate Hockey Association (WCHA) to characters from The Simpsons to give you an insight into the best sports league you’ve never heard of. We even added the two newest members when the conference expanded. But now, with this league headed for obscurity, it may be time for the team that gave me a reason to watch this league to make a change.
As an alum of the University of North Dakota, I am required by law to be a college hockey fan. North Dakota prides itself on two things; that it is a leading research university, and that it is akin to the “New York Yankees” of college hockey. With seven national championships and 15 WCHA titles, the Fighting Sioux are amongst the old-school, traditional powers in the sport. With such a tradition of excellence, Sioux fans have become like Yankee fans; we expect championships on an annual basis, and when we don’t get them, we start screaming for heads to roll.
But there is another similarity the Sioux share with the boys from the Bronx; more often than not lately both sides don’t play to the level of their talent, and find themselves often living on reputation. You all can debate this point as far as the Yanks are concerned; I’m here to breakdown the Sioux.
Let me begin by saying that Sioux head coach Dave Hakstol is an enigma to me. Under his tutelage, his teams historically have had have some of the best talent in the country, but his teams play with a lack of discipline and interest for the front half of the season; during the back half they become the best team in the country, then lose in the playoffs because they revert to the style of the front half.
Last night’s NCAA West Regional Final was just another example. The Sioux spent large periods of that game playing some very stupid hockey. They gave away four power plays, at least two of two of which were just dumb penalties. They kept committing sloppy line changes, at times allowing the Gophers to roll through the Sioux zone like Von Runstedt’s panzers did through France. At times, the Sioux played very inattentive defense, letting the open man literally skate through the slot right up to the crease, and allowing them to enjoy a cup of coffee while waiting in front of the net for the puck. This helps explain how Minnesota had a 3-goal outburst in the second period that effectively ended all hope for the Sioux.
Nine days after erasing a 3-goal deficit against Minnesota in the WCHA Final Five title game to capture its 15th Broadmoor Cup, North Dakota found itself again needing to make a comeback. Behind 2-0 in the second period, North Dakota seemed to regain some momentum 1:43 in on Danny Kristo’s 19th goal of the season. That lasted about seven minutes, until the Gophers scored twice within five minutes. The first of those goals by Taylor Matson at 9:08 was the back-breaker. Matson scooped up a rebound on a Nate Schmidt breakaway, and went untouched through the center of the Sioux defense to make the game 3-1, a deficit from which Sioux would never recover.
As bad as the Matson goal was, it was worse that there was never a single coaching adjustment. The Sioux kept letting the Gophers camp in front of the crease. They spent two periods playing “dump-and-chase” on offense.
The bottom line is this. Once again, Sioux fans got a team that underperformed early in the season. Once again, Sioux fans had their hopes for that elusive national title dashed by a team that keeps shooting itself in the skate. Since Dean Blais led the Sioux to their last national championship in 2000, this most recent season under Dave Hakstol is a microcosm of the entirely of his career behind the Sioux bench; play well enough to get home ice in the conference tournament, win the conference tournament which gets either a #1 or #2 seed in the NCAA tournament, then blow it.
And of course, like a Yankee fan, all will be forgiven when the Sioux come home with their 8th national championship. But, the mercurial nature of Hakstol’s teams are begging the question how long will Sioux Nation wait.?
What Jamie Moyer is doing now is a quest to make history. If Jamie Moyer makes the Rockies’ rotation, and if he win a regular-season game, he will break a record that has been on the books for almost 80 years. On September 13th, 1932, Jack Quinn won a ball game for the New York Giants at 49 years, 74 days old.
At this point, Moyer is already two months older than Quinn.
Now, how are Moyer’s chances to pich in Colorado in a few weeks? Well, they are getting better by the day, even after he had his last start pushed back due to stiffness in his left leg. On Monday, Moyer pitched on a back field against some Diamondbacks’ minor leaguers and got shelled. Moyer gave up six hits and four runs (including back-to-back dingers on consecutive pitches) in less than two innings.
None of that showed on Thursday night when he chucked four perfect innings against the Giants. Moyer mixed his sub-80 mph fastball, sleight-of-hand change-up, nasty cutter, and slow curve, and just general craftiness to the Ginats batters off balance. He only got to a three-ball count twice in his four innings of work. Angel Pagan was the only hitter player to make solid contact; lining out to center field to open the game. Moyer also dealt four strikeouts, and did it all with only 45 pitches.
Stay tuned to Dubsism, your home for all things Jamie Moyer.
-Dubsism is a proud member of Sports Blog Movement
I should have known better. Every year, by the end of the first weekend of the basketball tournament, my brackets are just so much smoldering wreckage. Every year, I think the NCAA Hockey tournament can save my enjoyment of filling out brackets.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand that statistically speaking, my chances of picking a perfect bracket in a 64-team field are 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 to 1 (that’s 9.2 quintillion, sports fans – which means you are 24 billion times more likely to win the lottery). I mention this only because I discovered the flaw in my belief that a sixteen-team bracket would be far easier to predict. While technically it is, to do it perfectly is still leaves the odds at 380 billion to 1.
If you are an old geezer like me, you know that during World War II, the NFL ran so short of players because of the war that for three years between 1942 and 1945, the league merged the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Philadelphia Eagles into one team, the Phil-Pitt Steagles. With baseball season fast approaching, I though to myself, why not take a similar approach with my most hated baseball teams, the Los Angeles Dodgers and the New York Yankees.
The idea was to build an all-time team out of players who played for both teams, just like I’ve already done with my two favorite teams. I thought since I’d created a team from my favorites, why not create a natural rival for them from the two team I dislike the most?
With that, allow me to introduce the New Angeles Dodgekees:
- Joe Torre
- Russell Martin
- Dioner Navarro
- 1B Doug Mientkiewicz
- 2B Steve Sax
- 2B Willie Randolph
- SS Angel Berroa
- SS-3B Wilson Betemit
- 1b-3B Robin Ventura
- Darryl Strawberry
- Andruw Jones
- Kenny Lofton
- Raul Mondesi
- Ricky Ledee
- Mariano Duncan
- Jose Vizcaino
- Marcus Thames
- SP Kevin Brown
- SP Tommy John
- SP David Wells
- SP Rick Honeycutt
- SP Hiroki Kuroda
- RP Esteban Loaiza
- RP Mike Morgan
- RP Tanyon Sturtze
- RP Steve Howe
- RP John Wetteland
- RP Octavio Dotel
-Dubsism is a proud member of Sports Blog Movement
Now that my brackets are so much smoldering wreckage, and now that my teams are out, it is time for a big dose of what the original purpose of this blog was: a profanity-filled triade about shit I don’t like. And since I can’t like this tournament anymore…
In alpha-suck-abetical order:
When the hell did Baylor start to mean anything in college sports? Whatever happened to the good old days when Baylor was just the “free square” in the bingo card that was the Big 12 schedule? I blame women’s basketball; after they gave up immolating religious whackos, that was the first sport anybody in Waco anybody paid any attention to until a few years ago, and it’s only gotten worse now that Joakim Noah plays for their womens’ team.
If I were a doctor and were going to give the state of Ohio an enema, Cincinnati is where I would stick the nozzle. What amazes me is that this miasma of suck has two universities, and both of them got into the Sweet Sixteen (more on that later). Shit-cinnati is a subtle blend of all that is wrong with city-living and all the suck that bucolic splendor brings. Want to know what walking down a street in downtown Cincinnati is like? Dress all the zombies from “The Walking Dead” in Ohio State shirts, Bengals hats, all in various states of filth and mis-sized. If you get past this parade of freaks who will attempt to panhandle you to death, you get the upscale Cincinnatians who are all rude and pretentious just because they have reservations at the “Steak and Shake” that has tablecloths.
I think the above photo says it all. That’s the university president.
I know this may be hard for anybody under 50 to realize, but there was a time within the last 30 years where a college basketball team in Indiana could actually win something. Obviously, that was never Purdue or Notre Dame , and it got so bad in the land of basketball people were actually rooting for Butler…fucking Butler. Calling Butler “real college basketball” is like calling a hot dog “real meat.” Now that Indiana is back in the Sweet Sixteen for the first time in a decade, every in-bred slackjaw south of Fort Wayne is resplendent in his IU 1981 NCAA Champs t-shirt that he wore while doing a lube job on his 1985 Ford pick-up truck, because nothing hides your sister-mom’s DNA like a few quarts of Quaker State.
The fundamental problem is that Kansas fans believe that they should win every single year, and when the Jayhawks don’t, their fans cocoon themselves in this layer of false history. Jayhawk fans think the entire sport is their birthright; that its history is proprietary to Kansas simply because their legendary coach Phog Allen was rumored to be Dr. James Naismith’s gay lover. To understand this fraudulent nature, let’s break down that history they love so damn much. First of all, while Naismith was the inventor of basketball, he didn’t invent it in Kansas. Do you know what did get invented in Kansas? Shooting people over slavery. But that’s not as “feel-good” as believing your basketball team is historically elite.
It says all you need to know about Kentucky to notice this is a program which replaced Tubby Smith with Billy Gillespie, then replaced him with career criminal John “Don’t Drop the Soap” Calipari. Think about that; this is a program so myopic they dumped the last guy to win anything for them and ultimately ended up with a guy who has managed to make Final Four appearances disappear at two different schools because of NCAA violations. Despite the fact that other than last year, they hadn’t earned a trip to the Final Four in thirteen years, UK fans still believe they are relevant, and will continue to think that even after this season inevitably gets wiped off the books. It must be a great time for bail bondsmen in Lexington.
Dear Residents of Louisville,
Let me explain to you why nobody has any respect for your city. First of all, to be a world-class city, you have to settle on a standard pronunciation. You would never see a sign the like the one above in a real city. Secondly, you keep describing your city as the “capital of Kentuckiana.” If it weren’t bad enough there is no such place, you’ve created one out of the two worst parts of two of the worst states in America. Combining Indiana with Kentucky is like joining infected, oozing hemmorhoids with a bowel obstruction.
Now, let’s talk about this basketball team for minute, shall we? Somebody in Louisville needs to tell Rick Pitino that coaching basketball in Kentucky in a building called the KFC Yum! Center while wearing white suits is just begging for “Colonel Sanders” jokes…and having a bird mascot doesn’t help. I’ll get you started – “Cardinal basketball – a special blend of eleven secret fouls and turnovers.”
Since Marquette is a catholic school in Wisconsin, insert your own “alcoholic pedophile” joke here. That also means they really aren’t worth thinking about, so here’s exactly what I said about them last year. I think you will find it is all pretty much still true.
This place ought to be renamed The University of Gutless. Marquette’s basketball team used to be known as the Warriors, until every member of their board of trustees grew multiple vaginas and decided AGAINST the will of the student body and the alumni that the nickname was “insensitive to Native Americans.” Of course, this completely ignores the fact that a “warrior” is defined as a person experienced in or capable of engaging in combat or warfare, especially within the context of a tribal or clan-based society that recognizes a separate combatant class. There’s a whole range of cultures to which that applies, ranging from the Bushido Samurai to the Spartans. Yet, the pointy-heads at Marquette decided it could only apply to those who when they cash their government checks get blind-drunk on the “firewater,” then build casinos.
This begs another important question. Since when does the Catholic Church give a flying fuck about political correctness? Don’t forget that Marquette is a Jesuit school, and the Jesuits aren’t just garden-variety papists; they are the Waffen-SS of Catholicism. They can show up in any diocese and do whatever the hell they want, and the local bishop can’t say shit to them. In other words, these aren’t exactly the guys who cower at a bunch of soccer moms who think “we might be being mean to the Indians.”
If that weren’t enough, the Catholic Church as a whole isn’t exactly the “canary in the coal mine” when it comes to being sensitive to public opinion. In fact, their only recent change on the position of contraception is it is acceptable to use a condom only when the altar boy has diarrhea.
Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the Big Twelevten in this tournament; Wisconsin, Ohio State, Indiana, and Sparty. They all really do the same thing. They get into the tournament, and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Kentucky. But Michigan State deserves a special layer of scorn and derision as they aren’t even an original member of the Big Tweleveten. They didn’t join until 1949 when it was still known as Michigan State Sit When You Pee College and Tire Care Center.
Once again, I will quote the good people at Deadspin since I can’t improve on the accuracy of their assesment.
No school has benefited more from having an archrival who happens to be even more haughty and douchetastic. I’m onto you, Tarheels. You think just because you hate Duke that you can sneak by without anyone hating your fucking guts. But you are WRONG. But the truth is that, if Duke didn’t exist, YOU would be Duke. You’d be the most hated program in the country, what with your gross sense of entitlement and Dickie V lapping up Roy Williams’ seminal fluid like it’s cereal milk. You people owe Duke a steak dinner for covering up so much of what makes you despicable.
FACT: Every three seconds, a person in the North Carolina wilderness is being raped. I drove through the state once, and you see the forests on the side of the road and you just know, twenty feet in, someone has a penis inside them that they don’t want inside them. North Carolina is also the only state where it’s legal to rape someone and fish at the same time.
North Carolina State
Thanks to the fact that Georgetown’s John Thompson III is one of the shittiest tournament coaches in the history of shitty tournament coaches, I’m going to have to re-live this moment about a bazillion times between now and the time NC State wakes up and remembers they are NC State. 1983 was almost 30 years ago, Jim Valvano is dead, so is Lorenzo Charles, and NC State is still the school people only go to when they can’t get into to Appalachian State.
According to the good folks at Listverse, Ohio University is the most haunted university in the country.
This should not be a surprise. It is well known and documented that Ohio University is perhaps one of the most haunted places in the world. From ghost teachers that talk to students, sounds and voices heard in sealed rooms, to an entire ghost basketball team, this campus is truly full of haunts. Nearly every single building on campus has at least one ghost associated with it. In a place literally full of ghosts, one manages to stand out among the rest. Wilson Hall is said to be one of the most haunted buildings in the United States, and was featured in the TV series “Scariest Places on Earth”. A female student practicing satanic rituals supposedly died violently in room 428. While this story has no real backing, what is true is that school officials have closed and sealed the room because no student could live in it peacefully. Voices are heard throughout the halls, doors lock and unlock, open and close on their own, and ghostly figures wander the building. The building is also dead center of a pentagram formed by five cemeteries which surround the campus. Rumor has it that this building itself was built on top of an old mental hospital cemetery, however this was proven to be untrue.
So in other words, this university has a student body that gets wigged out by the same kind of faux spooks that even Shaggy and Scooby-Doo could figure out in under 30 minutes. Perhaps this means we will see Daphne and Velma on the court for the Bobcats come this weekend.
Even though he was a football guy, nobody was a more loyal Buckeye than Kirk Herbstreit, and even he was giving double-birds out the window on his way out the the shit-hole formerly known as Columbus. In other words, even he had to split town because he only fellated the statue of Woody Hayes once a day rather than the expected thrice. This is exactly the problem with Buckeye fans; they have so little else that unless you swear your undying devotion and back it up on an hourly basis, they declare you a heretic and kill your house pets. In all honesty, the best description I’ve ever read about Ohio came from the good people at Deadspin:
“We make fun of Ohio here at Deadspin an awful lot, and with good reason. If you placed an electrified cupcake in the center of the state, half the population would be dead by morning. And the other half would be asking for extra sprinkles.”
What else can you say? These are the people who expect perfection while investing only idiocy; the kind of people who try to “return” foster children after they’ve raped them. Buckeye fans belong in that same circle of hell reserved for pederasts, people who run scams on the elderly, and deadbeat fathers.
Syracuse fans are always bitching because they feel they never get any respect. Half the time, they don’t deserve it, like when they kept trying to tell me Gerry McNamara was the best scorer in college basketball. The other half of the time they spend missing the point; like during all that McNamara twaddle they forgot they had Carmelo Anthony.
Then there’s this year. First, longtime assistant and Jim Boeheim’s right-hand man Bernie Fine was accused of sexually molesting two young boys. To top that off, it seems Fine’s wife may or may not have slept with players while they were members of the team. Then it was revealed that the school violated its own drug policy and that the school may or may not have reported it to the NCAA years ago. And if that weren’t enough, Fab Melo was ruled out of the tournament because may or may not have been academically eligible this semester.
Despite all that Syracuse, makes the big dance as a #1 seed, and advances to the sweet sixteen. The fun part: Earlier this season, when Syracuse was #1 in the AP poll they received 61 out of 65 first-place votes, and Syracuse fans, after all the shit that team had been through, did nothing but bitch about the four writers who didn’t vote Syracuse first.
As long as the state of Wisconsin exists, R.J. Reynolds will never go broke since they own Kraft Foods, Miller Beer and Marlboro cigarettes, which happen to be the three dietary staples in America’s Dairyland. Sconnies drink and smoke on an Olympic level because Wisconsin basketball is to watch four sausage-fed forwards and one guard who doesn’t play like Herman Munster. It’s hard to watch, hence the Wiscy-level of drinking, which easily can put even the most moonshine-riddled southern peckerwood to shame. If you see a Badger fan on the street, crash him over the head with the nearly-empty whiskey bottle he’s carrying and bring him to the local hospital for a liver transplant. He will need it, trust me.
Here’s a fun, yet useless fact I’ve been hearing all day: there are as many schools from the city of Cincinnnati (2) left in the tournament as there are from either the SEC (2), Big 12 (2), or ACC (2). Here a more accurate statement. There are as many teams from those conferences that anybody gives a shit about as there are from the entire state of Ohio. Whats’ funny is that at the beginning of the season, Xavier and Cincinnati got into a brawl in a game for intra-city bragging rights. This is like two bums fighting over the least piss-stained raincoat at the Salvation Army.
-Dubsism is a proud member of Sports Blog Movement