Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For…The New England Patriots

1) The Brady-Bieber Hair Postulate

Having hair that covers your face is only acceptable if you are an ass-kicking sheep-dog. It is not acceptable anywhere else, not even on teen heart-throbs and especially not on quarterbacks.

2) Their general sense of entitlement

As evidenced by this t-shirt. There are far too many Patriots fans who believe they were a simple lucky catch away from a perfect season four years ago. They seem to forget the “Helmet Catch,” which while key, was not a scoring play. The Patriots lost because they got beat.

3) Football players should not appear on non-sports magazine covers

This one ought to be self-explanatory.

4) Steven Tyler

It was bad enough when he got off the heroin and Aerosmith quit making classics like “Dream On” and stared pumping out sludge like “Love in An Elevator.” It was worse when he became the grayed-out, lecherous old rocker on American Idol. But what he did to the national anthem before the AFC Championship game was inexcusable.

5) Football players should not look like a six-year old girl on a water slide

This one should also be self-explanatory.

6) Colin Cowherd and his never-ending knob-slobbing of Tom Brady

There’s no shortage of sycophantery for Tom Brady and the Patriots, but there’s nobody worse than Colin Cowherd.  If Brady dropped his shorts and made his minions form a line to determine the order in which they would be allowed to service him, Cowherd would have the first fours spots at the head of the line.

7) Tom Brady isn’t the only Patriot committing “hair-crime”

We’ll consider Tiquan Underwood as an early entry for the 2012 Artis Gilmore Dubsy Award for Achievements in Hair Boldness.

-Dubsism is a proud member of the Sports Blog Movement

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12 responses

  1. Impressive list without one mention on how they cheat!

    1. I’ve always been a believer that everybody cheats. I think the Pates just got caught.

    2. Agree, many folks stick to that argument.

  2. On that whole water slide note, what about that video of Brady dancing at Rio?

    Hands above the head, Tom? Really?

    Isn’t Giselle Brazilian? Teach your boy how to dance some samba, babe.

    1. I knew somebody would come through with this!

      And I’m not sure if Gisele is Brazilian or has a full Brazilian.

  3. And I thought it was because of Gary Glitter…:D


    1. This marks the third Gary Glitter reference I’ve seen in the past two days…

  4. Haha great compilation! I think that other than Patriots’ fans, most will root for the Giants for all the reasons you said and the fact that the Giants are a great story.

  5. New England Patrette | Reply

    The GREAT STORY is NOT the giants….it’s the NE Patriots. A record setting, amazing team that is the ENVY of all others-especially NY (proof is this article!!). Face it…NY vs NE is a hate-fest. Whether it be football, baseball or whatever. I’m hoping for great game, that’s all.

  6. I really had my heart set on the Patriots and the 49ers…I guess I left my heart…in San Francisco.

    1. Unfortunately there, Mr. Bennett, Jim Harbaugh’s Boots Were Made For Walking.

  7. [...] There are plenty of reasons not to root for either one of the two teams left standing.  Geez, we just saw this act a few years ago.  Blogger Dubsism is happy to provide several reasons why you shouldn’t cheer for either the Giants or the Patriots. [...]

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