Tebow-Mania Continued: Deadspin Poses Some Awesome Hypothetical Questions

Drew Magary is one of my favorite writers in all of the blogosphere. He is in more desperate need of a mental health professional than anybody out there, but that’s part of his charm. Anyway, he posted some interesting questions of a “what if” nature about the current mass psychosis surrounding the Bronco celebrity quarterback.  I would like to pose those same questions now, but with the inclusion of some decidedly Dubsist answers.

1) What if Tebow really were Jesus?

The Margary Answer:

This is unlikely, because Tebow is the youngest of five children and his mother has never insisted upon her own virginity. However, if Tebow came out and declared Himself to be God the Son, and then turned water into wine on national television, SHIT WOULD GET HEATED. You’d have people taking Him at his Word and becoming his disciples. Then you’d have cynical bastards like me saying He’s full of shit and that His water-conversion motion has poor mechanics and that everyone who buys His story is a wingnut freakshow. Then you’d have the wingnuts taking up arms and firebombing Bill Maher’s house. Then the violence would spread to the Middle East and beyond, with angry mobs burning Tebow in effigy and Tebow converts responding by throwing rocks and sticks and very small babies. Then World War III would break out and last for nine years until Tebow, at age 33, finally ascended to a mount and beseeched the world to end the bloodshed, begging all men to love each other and work together in peace and harmony.

And then He would be crucified. Then we’d have to wait another 2,000 years until another quarterback arrived with His skill set. God is cruel.

The Dubsist Position:

Margary is largely correct, but he leaves out one significant event which may hasten the destruction of the world. See, If Tebow really were Jesus, then it is conceivable that stadiums across the league would become de facto houses of the Lord.  You can’t charge admission to the house of the Lord; remember how pissed off Jesus got over that whole incident with the moneychangers in the temple. Once the NFL goes broke because it’s revenue source became a collection plate, it will dissappear. Then the only thing separating all those good Christians from having nothing better to do on Sundays besides fire-bombing mosques will be televised bowling.  It doesn’t take a biblical historian to tell you that the world will be in flames about a week after that.

2) What if Tebow were to win the Super Bowl?

The Margary Answer:

That can’t happen. I mean honestly, it can’t. We’d all die from ESPN-induced rage cancer. There are three Hall of Fame QBs playing in these playoffs. There’s no possible way that little Timmy Tebow’s team can knock off two of th… You know what? No. I’m not getting into that trap. This young man THRIVES on haterade. He laps it up like it’s Christ’s own blood. Anyone predicting his doom is just gonna end up looking like an asshole. Better to clam up, pretend to root for him, and then act all condescending when things go wrong. That’s what good Christians do to their neighbors.

Anyway, if Tebow wins the Super Bowl, we’ll all fucking die.

The Dubsist Position:

First of all, Tebow can’t win the Super Bowl on his own. He will need the 52 apostles known as the Broncos. Don’t forget that a major part of Tebow-mania has been a defense that keeps the Broncos close enough for the last-minute miracle.

More importantly, let’s not just dismiss the possibility. After all, if you had told me a year ago that Tim Tebow would lead the Broncos into the playoffs and Joe Paterno would lose his job over a sex abuse scandal, I would have rushed you to the nearest hospital as you must have had a stroke. Get the point?

Anyway, if Tebow were to hoist the Lombardi Trophy next month, it will take no time at all for three things to happen. First, most of the Tebow-haters will do an about face; but the ones who don’t defect will become even more fervent and maniacal. The second thing that will happen is a three-month long Tebow-gasm even worse than what we are living through today.  Forget about Wheaties boxes, Tebow’s face will be on everything from sneakers to shotguns. Third, and most hilarious especially for those afore-mentioned Tebow haters, will be an explosion of imitators. Get ready for a wave of Option/Single-Wing/Leather Helmet offenses across the NFL.

Worse yet, he will marry Kim Kardashian in a Pay-Per-View event guaranteed to give you retinal herpes.

3) What if Tebow were gay?

The Margary Answer:

It’s a hard truth that the most religious guy on your block is the one most likely to be sneaking out to truck stops at 3 a.m. so he can greedily lap up every last ounce of redneck jizz caked on the bathroom stall partition. Anyway, if Tebow were gay, a couple of things would happen. First off, Mike Silver would die from excitement. Secondly, Tebow would have an incredible opportunity to bridge the persistent divide in this nation between evangelical Christians and the gay community. I mean, honestly: It’s time for this matter to be settled. Tebow could get his followers to be more accepting of gays, and he could get filthy liberals to be more accepting of evangelicals. I think he and Von Miller would make the cutest gay couple ever.

The Dubsist Position:

The magical union Margary speaks between Christians and liberals has as much likelihood of happening as I do for becoming the world first Eskimo fighter pilot. The one thing they have in common also dooms such a healing; they are the two groups of people who turn on their own kind the fastest, and they have an inherent distrust of converts.  A gay Tim Tebow would be a “man without a country” faster than you can say “John Elway has horse teeth.”

4) What if Tebow were assassinated while out on the field?

The Margary Answer:

Then I think you would see the Jesus scenario from Question 1 unfold. I also think his sperm would be harvested and given to willing congregants for mass breeding.

The Dubsist Position:

Pardon the pun, but God help us if this happens, and not just to Tebow. Collectively, we didn’t learn from the Monica Seles incident of twenty years ago. Mark my words, this is going to happen someday, and it won’t be funny when it does.

5) What if Tebow were secretly a serial killer?

The Margary Answer:

Then I think it would seriously compete with the O.J. scandal and the Penn State scandal for the title of Worst All Time. Tebow would be arrested, tried, and perhaps acquitted due to a sympathetic jury, with a sizable fraction of the populace convinced that he couldn’t possibly be guilty of such heinous crimes. Meanwhile, he’d be banned from football forever, which would mean we’d never have to hear about whether or not he has what it takes to be a winning pro QB ever again. It’s a win-win situation. Except for the murder victims. They’d get the short end of the stick.

The Dubsist Position:

It’s funny Margary mentions the Penn State scandal. Now that Mrs. Dubsism thinks she has some sports credibility, she mentioned this same thing about Drew Brees. Her theory was that since Brees has such an clean image and seems like such an all-around good guy, someday we will find out he eats babies.  The proof of such a theory: again, if you told me a year ago that Joe Paterno would lose his job over a sex abuse scandal, I would have had you committed. Now, I’m willing to believe anything, including when they find Tebow’s freezer full of girl scouts.

6) What if Deadspin were to find a Tebow dong shot?

The Margary Answer:

We can and WE WILL! I don’t think it would change anything about where people stand on Tebow, only now we’d have a penis to stare at. I think that would really add to the conversation.

The Dubsist Position:

Odds are Visanthe Shiancoe won’t be envious.

7) What if Deadspin were to find a picture of Tebow taking a bong rip?

The Margary Answer:

I’d totally start rooting for him.

The Dubsist Answer:

We could make a Mt. Rushmore of sports stoners: Michael Phelps, Ricky Williams, Tim Lincecum, and Tebow. How awesome would that be? I’d settle for a picture of Tebow and Kyle Orton baked at White Castle.

What if Tebow were a very nice man and an occasionally effective quarterback?

The Margary Answer:

Pfft. That’s stupid. TOTALLY UNREALISTIC.

The Dubsist Position:

Know what Tim Tebow would be if he were a womanizing drunk who was an occasionally effective quarterback? Joe Namath.

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11 responses

  1. Who’s this Tebow you speak of?!? I’m pulling for him to either be gay or renounce his religion at some point. What do you think the reaction would be if he loses this weekend and then renounces his religion due to the man upstairs not watching over him and helping him get the win?

    1. If the Broncos lose, I will send Tebow a copy of Motley Crue’s 1983 classic “Shout at the Devil” and a bottle of Mezcal.

      1. Is it a little weird that I shit my pants just be reading the word “Mezcal”?

        Meehan

  2. If the Broncos win the Super Bowl everyone will be Tebowing at the same time. If the Broncos lose this weekend, Slayer will be played at full volume in Foxboro. Brilliant post!

  3. With the ups and downs, the hardships, the triumphs, and letdowns I think it is entirely plausible that he is Jesus or God having some fun on Earth (aren’t they one in the same though?). I guess what that means is Tebow…I mean God will suck against the Pats and bring all the non-believers out of the closet just so that there will be drama throughout the offseason.

  4. And still we wait for some big-name active athlete to come out of the closet and it has yet to happen.

    Personally, I think the backlash of such an announcement would be far less if Tebow said it than if someone else were to.

  5. Hahaha! I love the ‘Tebow as Jesus” one! There truly has never been such an overanalyzed, overpraised, and over criticized athlete as Tebow.

  6. Tim Tebow ripping four footers would actually be a great thing for football altogether. It would mean that he’s actually got some humanizing characteristic that we’ve I’m sure all had at some point in our lives.

    Meehan

  7. The Broncos are losing to the Patriots with the score of 45-10. It’s a blowout, even Jesus himself couldn’t save Tebow from this loss. The Tebow/Jesus comparison is so funny. Nice one as always JW.

  8. Magary has a very intriguing Twitter page background. In the background right now my television is playing interviews with various Denver Broncos about whether or not Tebow should be their QB next season. Like they have any say in it. Ha. This is all pre-ordained.

  9. [...] five hypothetical questions about Tim Tebow.  These questions were so interesting they required a Dubsism response.  Now that Tebow continues to be an NFL version of a lighting rod in cleats, perhaps it is time to [...]

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