Now that I’m dead, I can finally tell the story about how I hate that smarmy little cocksucker Lane Kiffin.
First off, I should have never hired that little asshole. A lot of people tried to warn me about that move. I thought making that little shit the youngest coach in NFL history would put me back amongst the “movers and shakers” of the league. Maybe those people were right, maybe I was a pants-shitting, senile old fool. What the hell was I thinking putting a 31-year old in charge of an NFL franchise? A 31-year old kid hardly knows how to jerk off let run run a football team.
So, in his first eleven games, the little bastard goes 4-7, and it’s clear I made a mistake. So, I try to get him to resign, and that little son-of-a-bitch basically tells me to go fuck myself. I let it go, but when he takes the team to 1-3 in the start of the 2008 season, I had to fire him. Know what that little asshole did then? Takes me to court…well, not court, but some goddamn arbitrator who he fed some bullshit about “wrongful termination.”
Too bad Sonny Boy forgot the old man has a few lawyers of his own. I made sure that arbitrator heard about all the bullshit Kiffin pulled here; he broke all kinds of league rules and lied about all kinds of shit, which is why the arbitrator said my firing his ass was “with cause.”
If he does things at USC the same way he did them here, they’ll be dropping a net on him down there as well. Now, I know a lot of people think I’m just a bitter
old dead guy, and I know he probably hates me too, but I don’t give a damn because I’m not the only one who hated that little prick.
Start with those folks down at Tennessee. I wish they would have called me before they hired that guy. It was barely two weeks after that arbitrator’s ruling that I hear rumors that he is going to be hired at Tennessee. Sure as shit, they made the same mistake I did, except they didn’t get the chance to fire his ass. Barely a year later, he ran out of town on them to take the USC job.
To top it off, it seems Kiffin may have been pulling some skank duty and may have even had a DUI incident covered up while in Knoxville. I don’t know if any of that shit is true, but it wouldn’t surprise me. What I do know is that he left such an impression in Knoxville they wanted to name the sewage treatment plant after him.
Oh, and on top of that, he fucked them over again when the NCAA started investigating violations that were supposedly committed during his short time in Knoxville.
Tom Cable hated his ass too. Cable was Kiffin’s offensive line coach here in Oakland. Not only did Cable get stuck cleaning up the mess Kiffin made when he took the interim head coaching role. I probably shouldn’t have fired Cable, but that’s another story. So, not only did Cable get stuck cleaning up, but then Kiffin raided our coaching staff when he plucked James Cregg off our staff with two weeks yet to go in the NFL season.
Once he got to Tennessee, Kiffin pissed off people all over the SEC.
He didn’t win any friends in Alabama by swiping Lance Thompson. One of Kiffin’s key hires at Tennessee was nabbing linebacker coach Lance Thompson from Alabama less than a month prior to 2009’s National Signing day. This coach-poach was made worse by the fact that Thompson was a major player in Alabama recruiting, a fact Kiffin made sure he let people know about.
After making the hire, that little son-of-a-bitch took a potshot at Nick Saban when he said “Nick Saban should have started his press conference (regarding the Tide’s signing class) by saying, ‘Our great class that we signed, I’d really like to thank Lance because Lance signed eight of those guys.’” Worse yet, that little fucker let his new toady chime in with “Just for your information, Utah had no 5-star recruits, and they kicked the lining out of our tails.”
That was a nice shot in the shadow of the loss Utah handed Alabama in the Sugar Bowl just a month prior to his lipping off.
Then there was the crap he said about Urban Meyer. Kiffin basically publicly accused Meyer of violating NCAA rules by contacting a recruit while he was on another campus.
“I’m going to turn Florida in right here in front of you, as Nu’Keese (Richardson) was here on campus, his phone keeps ringing. And so one of our coaches is sitting in the meeting with him and says, ‘Who is that?’ And he looks at the phone and says, ‘Urban Meyer.’ Just so you know, you can’t call a recruit on another campus. But I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn’t get him.”
Of course, Meyer didn’t do anything wrong, but that little dicklicker made yet another enemy.
Then there’s what he said about Steve Spurrier and South Carolina. Even those jag-offs at ESPN reported this one. South Carolina had this top-buck recruit named Alshon Jeffery and that fuckwad Kiffin told him “If you chose the Gamecocks, he would end up pumping gas for the rest of his life like all the other players from that state who went to South Carolina.”
Naturally, that little worm denied it, but the kid’s high school coach was in on the call and confirmed the kid’s story. Kiffin denied the remarks, but it was confirmed by Jeffery’s football coach, who was in on the phone conversation. Besides, did you see the catch that kid pulled off in the Capital One Bowl? That kid ain’t pumping gas for anybody. In fact the Raiders don’t take him, I may have myself reincarnated as a rabid squirrel and run right up somebody’s pant-leg.
The bottom line is that Lane Kiffin is an asshole, and I don’t care now that I’m dead who knows it. Moreover, I’m not the only one who thinks that.