Because we are into the greatest 12 weekends of the year, it is also time to remind some people of just who they are. In other words, we are taking the pre-season Dubsism Top 25 and reminding them that they suck. Let’s be honest, a big part of college football is trash-talking. This is exactly why I intend to go through the Top 25 and say awful things about every team and state involved.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Bear Bryant is dead, and it is high time you assholes quit running around in those houndstooth hats.
More importantly, with all the schools now getting caught for (insert NCAA violation here) it really just has to be a matter of time before Alabama gets caught (again). It’s been a program so dirty Mike Rowe should be investigating it.
If the world of college football were a bunch of children, Oklahoma would be the one you tell its OK to take candy from strangers. There really is nothing quite like the crap OU fans will put you through as they are reminding you what a storied program the Sooners are. Of course, they generally have to do this after Oklahoma’s most recent choke-job against (insert lousy Big 12 doormat here or crushing bowl game loss here).
Ten years ago, you didn’t need to pay attention to this team and its seizure-inducing uniforms. Now, since they’ve made it a point to recruit every Los Angeles street thug even USC won’t touch, we have to hear about them every year. Thankfully, now they’ve scheduled a real game in September, so hopefully we won’t need to hear about how great they are just because they can handle Washington State. Seriously, if you are going to pay to illegally obtain recruiting film, do it so you can beat somebody worthwhile.
As long as the state of Wisconsin exists, R.J. Reynolds will never go broke since they own Kraft Foods, Miller Beer and Marlboro cigarettes, which happen to be the three dietary staples in America’s Dairyland.
Honestly, Wisconsin is like Penn State and the SEC had an illegitimate child. Joe Paterno himself couldn’t construct a better offense based on gargantuan, sausage-fed offensive lineman and a bruising running back who eats contact like candy. Then, their is the Wiscy-level of drinking, which easily can put even the most moonshine-riddled southern peckerwood to shame.
LSUcks. I mean, they’ve won two titles in the last decade, but neither should count. The first was just Nick SabaNazi splitting the love with Petey Cheaty TrojanFace and the second was beating arguably the most over-rated (and by “over-rated” I also mean “terrible,” and by that I mean “Ohio State”) teams ever allowed in a BCS Title game. Not to mention Les Miles is a complete mental case.
Where do I start? First of all, there is the fact that finally this team is in a real conference, which means they get to go somewhere more interesting than the land of endless Kansas they’ve been imprisoned in for decades. Nothing can improve your situation more than never having to go to Kansas ever again.
Plus I still think Big Tweleveten should have deferred Nebraska’s admittance until they specifically defined what a “Cornhusker” really is. I’ve been told it is just a guy who beats off in a cornfield a lot, and I just don’t think that is appropriate. Not to mention it totally changes my view of “popcorn.”
Oh, and Tom Osborne molests collies.
7) Florida State
What can you say about an institution that makes the University of Florida look good? Florida State is the “strip mall” of universities, and it is exactly that level of non-sophistication which makes it perfect for Tallahassee, which is actually the capital city of Lower Alabamida.
8 ) Boise State
I’m so tired of this team. They’ve been playing this “David” bit against everybody else’s Goliath, and I’m totally over it. This is a team that has been living off that Fiesta Bowl win over Oklahoma a few years back, and they haven’t won anything meaningful since. Join a real conference and play a real schedule, otherwise you are just a western Notre Dame.
How can anybody have any respect for a school which is supposed to be full of the uber-smart, yet it can’t even figure out its own mascot. The nickname is the Cardinal, not the bird or the pope-in-training, but the color. Somehow, this color is represented by an ass-eating tree. No wonder I weep for the future of this country.
10) Oklahoma State
You almost want to feel sorry for Oklahoma State…almost. The only people who go to Oklahoma State are the ones who couldn’t get into Oklahoma. That’ s gotta hurt all by itself; it’s like going to Costco because you couldn’t even get a membership at Sam’s Club. Worse yet, imagine having to deal with that kind of rejection while living in Stillwater. Even people in Tulsa think Stillwater sucks.
Oklahoma State fans think somehow the success of their basketball team means anything to football fans. Their chants at football games are generally some unintelligent ramblings about the other teams love for male genitalia. Of course, the hoards of douchebag fans which inhabit Stillwater have nothing but time to be so creative as the average OSU female tends to prefer female genitalia. This is why it is metaphysical certitude one of them will start carving up hookers and dumping them under T. Boone Pickens Stadium.
11) South Carolina
Gamecocks… What else do I need to say? The jokes write themselves. Feel free to contribute your own.
12) Texas A&M
Legend has it that the “A&M” in Texas A&M used to stand for “All-Male.” We’ve also noticed the” aTm” on the Aggies helmets represents a particularly nasty acronym, and I don’t mean “at the moment.” I’m just sayin’…
13) Virginia Tech
It used to be that Virginia Tech was the poster child for over-rated, waste-of-time East Coast football. Then Virginia Tech and Miami joined the ACC supposedly forming a superconference. That idea got so screwed up I’m surprised Barack Obama wasn’t involved in it. But since they are on the East Coast this team for some reason is always a “dark horse” national title contender. Tech is good for 10 painfully boring wins and an equally boring bowl victory. Honestly, watching a Virginia Tech game is like watching ice melt, except not as exciting.
There’s being a fan; then there’s going too far. Somehow you just know this is less about “supporting the team” and more about greasing the railsl for a serious discussion with the family about Daddy’s transvestism.
Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet. All this really accomplishes is to see which Christian Texas asshole school gets to lay claim to cookware. Big deal. What should really play happen is BYU should play Notre Dame every year so we can see which Christian asshole school won’t be a BCS buster.
- noun, often capitalized \ˈshä-dən-ˌfrȯi-də\
- Definition of SCHADENFREUDE: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others
- Origin of SCHADENFREUDE: German, from Schaden ”damage” + Freude “joy”
- First Known Use: 1895
I’m going to enjoy this so much…words can’t describe how much I hate Lane Kiffin. He’s college football’s equivalent to that kid at your office who only has the job because he’s somebody nephew or frat brother or some other connection which has absolutely nothing to do with his crushing incompetence. I can’t even begin to describe how fun it is going to be watching this pompous pseudo-fruit hurtle over the NCAA cliff. I hope the they find out all the crap he did at Tennessee, then I hope they find more stuff he did at USC, then I hope they ban him from the game.
That won’t happen, but it would be fun to see Kiffin’s slime trail return USC to the Paul Hackett era, when the Trojans couldn’t beat TCU in the Sun Bowl. God, what a sweet time that was.
17) Ohio State
I should leave this section blank, because I was really raised to believe that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. But if I were to do that, then this whole article would be blank. What else can you say about Ohio, a state where the rivers catch fire and sodomizing a relative is considered a proper form of greeting? Seriously, Ohio is the reason why “To Catch A Predator” exists; 8 Saturdays a year 100,000 Buckeyes cram themselves into Ohio Stadium, which is the anus of the Big Ten. The best thing I can say about Ohio is somehow it manages to let those hillbilly dipshits from the SEC have self-esteem.
18) Michigan State
Really, I should just write a generic bit for all the Big Twelevten teams who aren’t Wisconsin, Ohio State, or Penn State. They all really do the same thing. They become bowl-eligible, and then somehow lose to some peckerwood SEC team like Mississippi State “We Both Humped Our Sisters, But Our Accents Are Weirder” Bowl. What makes Michigan State different is their coach who enjoys having heart-attacks after game winning field goals.
Auburn has a long tradition of hiring mouth-breathers as coaches. There was the runt of the Bowden litter, then there was “Dumbo” Tuberville, and now there’s Gene Chizik. Chizik is an over-hyped bag of guts, which is perfect for a school full of frauds, closet racists, and over-inflated egos. Honestly, all that separates Auburn from being a southern-fried Notre Dame is the dark and barbarous Catholic Church.
20) Mississippi State
If you can’t play football, at least give us slutty, naked cheerleaders. This marks Mississippi State’s first measure of relevance in nearly a century.
Don’t be mislead by the production, this isn’t a book, it’s a pamphlet. You can’t fill a whole book with “Be ranked until you play Oklahoma.”
There’s a reason why they call it “UGAy.” Seriously, it doesn’t take much to figure out all those good, ol’ boys at Sanford Stadium secretly bat for the other team. After all, it was a dead give away when we noticed they love to wind down after their annual “Queer Beating” by doing the world’s biggest “elephant walk.” At least they aren’t playing “soggy biscuit” anymore…I think. Not to mention “Deliverance” was set in Georgia. I wonder if Georgia football makes Ned Beatty clinch up just a little.
Gainesville represents the epicenter of culture in Florida, which means they have log sculptures of Tim Tebow and they change the urinal cakes at the stadium once a season.
24) Penn State
There is a rule out that says you can’t say anything bad about Joe Paterno, because he is the dean of college football. He is 643 years old, which is why he doesn’t seem to have the sense of urgency needed to beat a bunch of nipple-gummers like Iowa or Ohio State. The last time he had a sense of urgency was when he ran off the field to take a dump a few years ago. It matters little as he will win more Big Tweleveten titles, even if it means we see a robotic JoePa patrolling the sidelines of State College.
25) Arizona State
These two tongue-lappers are a perfect representation of Arizona State. First, since they know they have been passed by Mississippi State on the slutty cheerleader scale, they get desperate for attention. This is the only reason girls like this make out with each other; so you’ll see past their sluttiness because they know every straight guy in America has that “two chicks” fantasy. The problem is they rarely will go all the way, much like Sun Devil football hasn’t seen a Rose Bowl since Jake “the Snake” Plummer.